Original subtitles

Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians, Slimy Stuarts

Vile Victorians, Woeful Wars Ferocious Fights, Dingy Castles

Daring Knights, Horrors that defy description, Cut-throat Celts

Awful Egyptians Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crimes

Punishment from ancient times Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless

Cavemen Savage, fierce and toothless, Groovy Greeks

Brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

Gory Stories, we do that

And your host's a talking rat

The past is no longer a mystery

Welcome to Horrible Histories. #

Queen Victoria's Coronation was a truly grand occasion,

as you'd expect,

but there were a few hiccups. Good day.

You join us on the splendid summer's

day in 1838 in London's Westminster Abbey, to celebrate

the Coronation of our new Queen Victoria, at the tender age of 18.

Now, the ring.

The Archbishop now moves to place the Coronation ring

on Victoria's finger.

Ow! That's the wrong finger.

Sorry.

Oh dear! The ring would seem to be well and truly stuck.

Ow! Archbishop, you're hurting me. Ow!

Terribly sorry.

And now, with the ring on the right finger,

Victoria receives the Royal Crown.

I now pronounce you Queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain

and Ireland,

the Duke of Lancaster and the Duke of Cornwall.

- Really? - That's what it says here.

And next, in accordance with the great traditions of the land,

it's time for the British lords to touch the new Queen's crown.

Congratulations, Ma'am.

Thank you. Now, get lost.

And coming up the stairs, it's 82-year-old Lord Rolle.

Congratulations, Ma'am. Ooh!

And there goes Lord Rolle, rolling down the stairs.

And now, as is customary, the Queen's Treasurer scatters gold

and silver medals amongst the lordly congregation.

Ow!

Touching scenes, indeed.

One is most terribly amused.

As a child, Victoria suffered from episcophobia, a fear of bishops.

Just as well she got over it before she was crowned

or her coronation would have been even sillier.

"Oh, help, it's a bishop! Oh, help, it's a bishop! Ooooh!"

"Calm, calm, calm, dear!"

In 1840, Victoria married Prince Albert,

and he wasn't a very popular choice. Oh no.

HE SMIRKS

Cedric, look. Have you ever seen anything

so ridiculous in your entire life?

Oh my giddy aunt! Don't these people have mirrors?

And he's married to the Queen!

Maybe moustaches are big in Germany.

Well, they're certainly not over here.

And he wonders why he's so unpopular with the British public,

wandering around with that ludicrous bogey buffer

stretched across his face.

Oh look! Army types. They're always up for a laugh. Come on.

I say, chaps! Have you seen Prince Albert's ludicrous moustaaaah...

I beg your pardon?

I said, hoooowww ahhhh you?

No, you didn't. Do I look like an idiot to you?

A little bit. Around the lips.

Sort of. And this area here, sort of thing.

For your information, gentleman,

moustache is the very height of fashion.

THEY LAUGH

Clearly, you chaps haven't been involved in the Crimean campaign.

Skin infections caused by razor cuts had our soldiers

dropping like flies over there, so us officers stopped shaving,

grew our facial hair. Soon, the men followed suit,

and now we're back here, the craze is spreading like wildfire.

You were saying?

Dear Cedric, it would appear that you

and I are, suddenly, deeply unfashionable.

Speak for yourself, mate.

Gentlemen...

Hi, I'm a shouty man and I'm here to tell you about New Roman Dog,

the cuddly companion who puts the fur into multifurpose.

Do you have a wart?

Oh! I'll take that as a "yes".

But don't worry. Help is at paw.

Simply mix some wee-wee from New Roman Dog with some mud,

apply to the affected abomination

and your wart will disappear,

meaning urine great shape. I made a joke with words!

It's still there.

It's only a little dog, mate.

And if your affliction is more serious than a wart,

then Roman Dog is here to help.

An all-over body rub down with a puppy is the perfect canine cure

for all manner of illness.

Feeling better, love?

Actually, I do feel a bit better for that.

That's because Gavin here has cured you.

Oh, that's wonderful...

SHE COUGHS

And New Roman Dog doesn't stop at curing illness.

Oh no! He'll also howl, if someone has died.

SHE COUGHS

HE HOWLS

Either you cured her or you didn't, Gavin. You can't have it both ways.

HE PRETENDS TO CRY

And even when your doggy dies,

he's still as useful as ever.

In fact, the gall bladder of a black dog is a valued

ingredient in all sorts of magic.

Mystical spirits, bring my dog back to life!

HE SIGHS

Probably shouldn't have taken his gall bladder out.

And the blood from New Roman Dog placed under

the threshold of your house will keep away evil spirits.

Wooooh!

Sorry, mate. We've got dog's blood! Try next door.

See?

So get your New Roman Dog today.

You'd be barking mad not to.

And don't worry, the dog's fine. Never leave me, Gavin!

Romans also believed that, if you'd been bitten by a mad dog,

you could be cured by using the hair of the dog that bit you.

Though just how you're meant to get a hair off the mad dog

without getting bitten again is anyone's guess.

Yes, those Romans believed in some pretty crazy cures.

Ah! Come in.

Thank you.

I seek the wisdom of the wisest Roman of all, Marcus Porcius Cato,

revered soldier, esteemed statesman and venerated thinker.

And cabbage farmer. What's the problem?

Well, I'm looking for a cure for my ill son.

Mm, yes. He does look a bit peaky.

Yes, his glands are up around his neck.

Well, you know what's good for that don't you? A cabbage.

Get that down you, boy. That'll soon stop the swelling.

Ah, see, I'm not sure that's going to work.

Oh, it looks like he's got the sweats, too.

Cabbage should cool him down.

Ah! Actually, I'm not sure...

Best thing for it. Ah!

Do you know, I don't think this was actually a very good idea?

Ooh! Has he got a rash on his neck?

To get rid of that, take one cabbage after every meal.

Breakfast,

lunch,

dinner.

And one before you go to bed. Help you get off to sleep.

Everyone knows that cabbages are good for insomnia.

I think we're actually going to leave it there.

Ooh, hey now!

Are you casting doubt on the wonder drug powers of the cabbage?

Yes, I am.

And I think all of the great medics of Rome would share that opinion.

Well, they're idiots!

And in the case of my son, we were strongly advised against cabbages.

Why in Jupiter's name would they do that?

He's allergic.

To cabbages.

I think I have a cure for that.

SHE SIGHS

Soup.

Hot cabbage soup.

I'll go and make us up a pot.

Ooh! You dropped one.

Yeah, sorry about that. It's all the cabbages I've been eating.

The answer is B.

They stayed in the dining room

and weed in a potty, while still joining in the conversation.

Yes, Georgian dinner parties really could be pretty strange.

Previously on Georgian Come Dine With Me...

George III served up a plate of branches...

Welcome to my dining room. Now, who wants a steak from my beef tree?

Oh! Of all the fathers in all the world, he had to be mine.

Friend of the Prince Regent and famous dandy, Beau Brummel,

didn't have time to serve anything at all, but looked absolutely

gorgeous after taking his usual five hours to get dressed.

Ta-dah! Oh!

I don't believe it!

One of my cuffs is a millimetre longer than the other!

Do you chaps mind if I change?

- ALL: Yes! - Oh!

And famous traveller, surgeon and entrepreneur, Dean Mahomet,

brought the others to the first- ever Indian restaurant in London,

where they experienced a rare treat called curry.

I fear the taste may be a little strong for the British palate.

It's unlikely to find many fans over here.

Are you going to finish that?

It's day four, and with his guests on the way, the Prince Regent

and future George IV heads down to the kitchen.

But he's got some bad news for his chef.

Basically, everyone's favourite Prince is horribly in debt,

so tonight, if you could just give us the absolute basic minimum.

- OK. - 60 courses of the finest European cuisine.

Got to tighten one's belt while the money's short.

And Dad's still got control of the royal purse.

Knowing my luck, he's probably eaten it.

George's personal cook is celebrity chef, Antonin Careme,

the man who invented haute cuisine.

Yes, Antonin's worked for all the greats -

me, Napoleon, The Tsar of Russia...

and me.

Good food can be very simple. Take my vol-au-vents.

Don't mind if I do.

Breadcrumbs, mushrooms, nutmeg, cream, lobster tails,

chicken jellies, calves' udders, lambs' glands, sheep's brain.

Yes, what simple dish isn't complete without a bit of sheep's brain?

Don't think George likes it.

The Prince Regent's guests have arrived and are ready to eat,

although King George is having trouble

parking his invisible kangaroo.

Woo-hoo, kangaroo! Down, boy!

As usual, the meal is served a la Francaise, which means

put everything on the table and grab whatever you possibly can.

Oi! Save some for me!

Chillax, George! There are 60 courses.

Time for those all-important scores.

It's a stylish seven from Beau Brummel...

The food was awful.

..but as he'll be needing help from the Prince Regent to open

a bath house in Brighton, Dean Mahomet's given him a ten.

Waah!

And it's a chicken from George III,

meaning the winner of the 1,000 is...

It's me! I won! Yes! Get in, so much!

Yes, I can finally start paying off my debts!

Oh, thank you. I promise to use this money responsibly.

Or we can all go for supper,

on me!

Dean Mahomet opened some steam baths in Brighton, where he

treated people for all sorts of ailments, using herbs and vapours.

He even treated George IV.

He was known as a pooing surgeon.

No, no, wait a minute. Sorry, that's not right, is it?

I meant to say shampooing surgeon.

HE LAUGHS

Actually, shall we just take that again?

Alexander the Great of Macedonia really didn't hang around.

By the age of 22, he'd conquered virtually the whole of Greece.

But he just couldn't stop expanding his empire.

Some people are never happy!

'Are you fed up, now you've finished

'Alexander's Conquest of Greece board game?

'Why stop there?

'Keep adding to your Empire, with the all-new Persia Expansion.'

The new Persia Expansion game is awesome!

I'm going to fight an army of one million men.

A million, it sounds a bit hard.

Yes! Eat my army! I've conquered Persia - game over!

ALL: Oh, no.

Wait a minute, guys, the game's not over yet.

'That's right-er.

'Just when you think you can pack up and go home,

'you'll be made to play Alexander's new conquest.

'The Egypt Expansion Board.'

Are you sure? It's just, it's getting late.

Yeah, maybe we should quit, while it's still fun.

Well, I'm having fun! And it's MY game.

Y-yes, fun game!

Yay!

Oh, look! I've just conquered Egypt.

Oh, no, game over!

No.

'That's right-er!

'Alexander's Conquest of Greece, Persia and Egypt Expansion

'comes with a Conquest of India Expansion board, too!'

Oh, come on!

I only really came round to conquer Persia, so...

I want to conquer India now!

Yeah, that could take a while.

I did say I'd pick my sister up from the swimming pool.

Oh look, we've just been attacked by elephants!

What is an elephants?

OK, but once we conquer India, then can we go home, because I...

- What do you think? - 'You've guessed it!

'Alexander's Conquest of Greece, Persia Egypt and India Expansion

'comes with the To The Ends Of The Earth Expansion board!'

We are going to keep playing this game

until this board covers the whole world.

Guys?

'Alexander's Conquest of Greece, Persia, Egypt and India

'with the To The Ends Of The Earth Expansion board game.

'Play it until no-one will play with you anymore.'

Right, who is that voice?

Alexander's empire was huge

and stretched over five million square kilometres, which is massive.

Almost as big as Alexander's ego.

Yes, that Alexander really was quite a character.

ECSTATIC CHEERING

Alexander is my name

Macedonia's most famous commander

History calls "The Great" but I prefer "The Greatest"

A king aged only 20 when my dad assassinated

Advisors called for calm but, frankly, peace is over-rated

Crushed rebels in Greek city states

So, thousands of them martyrs

Made short labour of my neighbours

And that was just for starters

Alexander, full-time fighter

Made my home rule secure

But that wasn't enough I wanted more, more, more!

And so began my masterplan to conquer by invasion

Started with dad's enemy The famous Persian nation

Ruler Darius had far more troops An inconvenience

But I won, then thrashed Egypt I'm a military genius

Founded Egypt's Alexandria Named for the greatest man alive

I was now Pharaoh and King of Persia

Not bad for 25

Alexander!

Victorious fighter

"The Greatest" sounds flat

How about "The Living God"?

Yeah, I'll buy that!

My loyal followers said "That's the stuff"

But I, a born warrior said "It's not enough"

"Let's take India Last man there's a fool"

Started wearing Persian clothes Boy, I looked so cool

But made my troops suspicious

Men called me too ambitious

Said they wouldn't follow me... #

Guitar solo, Ptolemy!

Cos of me, Ptolemy, he'll go far

He'll found the dynasty that ends with Cleopatra

Then, there's Hephaestian My best friend, of course

Unless you count Bucephalus but he's a horse #

Why the long face, my friend?

HORSE NEIGHS

Anyway, together It was going grand

Till Heph and Bucy died and my men took a stand

I wanted to continue but my hands were tied

So I sat in my tent and I cried

Oh-oh-ohohohoooooh!

Alexander! No more a fighter

Adventures had to stop cos 323BC saw me drop... #

Dead!

It's 1928 and historical grimefighters, Louis and Dave,

have come to the laboratory of scientist Alexander Fleming

in St Mary's Hospital, London.

Yeah, we've had problems with Mr Fleming before.

He's a brilliant scientist, supposedly.

But he's not a brilliant tidy- upper, I can tell you that for nothing!

Oh, crikey, this is worse than your bedroom, this is, Dave.

There's dirty pots and dishes everywhere,

full of highly-infectious bacteria.

Oh, I don't believe this, Dave!

He's been experimenting with bacteria

and he's gone on holiday without tidying up after himself first!

There's mould in that Petri dish.

Oh, here he comes, Dr Doolittle.

What's going on?

Tell you what's going on, mate, you're going to clean up

this laboratory, starting with that mould there.

Extraordinary!

Not really, mate. That's what happens when you go on holiday

- and leave your dirty dishes. - Look, look.

The Staphylococci bacteria on this is completely normal, right?

Whereas in this dish, it's been destroyed by the mould.

Do you know what this means?

Blooming strong mould.

Exactly. I must grow some more!

Erm, I don't think so, mate. Dave, the mould killer.

No, stop! Look, you don't understand, right?

This mould stops other bacteria from growing.

I mean, this could be a really important medical discovery!

One day, we could use this to treat infections.

Oh, right! "Doctor, doctor, I'm feeling really ill!"

"Oh, it's all right, here's some mould!"

I reckon I'll win a prize for this one day.

Yeah, you will, mate - The Filthiest Laboratory Award, 1928.

Here's your reward.

Right, come on, Dave, let's get out of here.

I'd like to thank me mum for never making me clean my room!

Disgusting!

That's enough of your jibber-jabber, Dave.

Dr Fleming had actually discovered penicillin,

an antibiotic which is still widely used today.

And in 1945, he shared a Nobel Prize.

I've grown plenty of mould and I've never been given a prize for it.

Back in the early 1900s, another potty pioneer was making his name.

Hello. I'm here to pitch one of the greatest adventure stories

in history - my team's journey to Antarctica.

Listen, Scotty of the Antarctic, the last thing we want to hear

is a boring story about a bunch of guys who got to the South Pole

second and then all froze to death on the way home!

Talk about a story without any warmth!

Depressing.

No, no, I think there's been some confusion. I'm not Scott.

Scott died on his way back from the South Pole in 1912.

Ah, you must be Amundsen,

the Norwegian guy who got there 33 days before Scott!

Now, that's more interesting.

Apparently, he used dogs to pull the sledges.

Were these talking dogs?

Lady and the Tramp Go Skiing?! It's a "yes" from me!

No, no, I'm not Amundsen, either. I'm Ernest Shackleton.

So you weren't first or second to the South Pole?

Well, actually, my team never made it, at all.

- Oh, great! - Because films about massive losers

who don't achieve anything make such big hits(!)

How close did you get?

About 200 miles.

Is this a comedy?!

No, it's a thrilling adventure!

Oh, beam me up, Scotty of the Arctic! I want out of this meeting!

So our voyage of discovery was something of a failure,

but it's what happened next, that's the amazing story.

Our ship, The Endurance, got stuck in the ice for nine months.

Eventually, the force of the ice cracked the hull of the ship

and we had to abandon it. Leaving most of the men behind

on the frozen beach, six of us went for help in a small rowing boat.

OK, you've got my attention.

We travelled for 800 miles in two weeks,

in the most horrendous conditions.

And then what happened?

We landed on the island of South Georgia,

where we knew there was a whaling station,

but we were on the wrong side of the island.

HE GROANS

In our way was a huge mountain range. Incredibly, three of us managed

to make it across and charter a boat to rescue the rest of the men.

Amazingly, every single one of them survived!

- Yes! - Hooray!

They're alive! They're alive!

Kid, you got yourself a movie deal.

Oh, thank you!

I assume everybody lived happily ever after.

Actually, no.

Most of them were called up

and killed a couple of years later in the First World War.

- Well, there goes the sequel. - It's a no from me.

- Buzz! You got three nos. Thanks for coming. - Right, fine. I'm off.

Better hurry up or the Norwegian team will beat you.

That was the other guy!

He's going outside for a walk, he may be some time.

The OTHER guy!

- I found him very cold. - Mm.

Chilling.

Early man good at music.

Neanderthal even make flute 40,000 year ago.

'Available at last from Neanderthal Records...

'..the first-ever musical notes

'played on the first-ever musical instrument -

'a hollowed-out animal bone -

'collected together on one unforgettable album.'

Now, that what me call music.

Music good! Me like! Hey!

'Featuring the ground-breaking Three Notes In Any Old Order...'

HE PLAYS RANDOM NOTES

Oh, beautiful.

'..the remarkable Four Notes In Any Old Order...'

HE PLAYS A SINGLE NOTE

Oh! HE PLAYS MORE RANDOM NOTES

Very good!

'..and the smash hit, Smash Hit!'

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

- CRUNCH! - Oh!

Broken!

What you mean, "While Neanderthals last"?

- What this? - I don't know.

It's true -

a flute made from animal bone is thought to be

the oldest musical instrument in the world.

That is if you don't count the bum trumpet.

- PFFRT! - Ah, sweet music.

Stone Age man had many uses for animal bones

and they came from some very unusual animals.

Hello. I'm an over excitable wildlife presenter.

And I'm an even more excitable wildlife presenter.

- And I'm really excited today... - Though not as excited as me!

..because we are here in Stone Age times for a really special

edition of Historical Springwatch.

We are in the Pleistocene Era, where we've got hidden cameras

deep inside the habitats of this era's most extraordinary animals.

They really are extraordinary.

- I just said that! - Sorry.

Let's take a look at the Toxodon.

The Toxodon is a giant, three-toed mammal

that's a sort of a cross between a hippopotamus and a gerbil.

Imagine that - a sort of giant, hairy hippo.

Well, you don't have to imagine it.

Because we're going to see one, any second now.

Oh, it seems the Toxodon's been eaten by an early man.

That's exciting to see, too -

Homo sapiens surviving by making use of any food available to him.

Not to worry - we've got plenty of other giant mammals for you.

So let's take a look at the Megatherium we've been following.

This sloth can grow up to six metres long.

And we've been following this guy for more than...

- Oh! He's done it again! - Can we check out the other cameras?

He scoffed the lot!

If he carries on like this, early man's going to end up

killing off all of these fantastic mega animals.

Well, not on my Springwatch, let me tell you.

Oi, you there!

Did you never stop to think that people in the future

might actually want to see giant panthers, giant sloths,

even giant sabretooth tigers?!

GROWLING AND ROARING

Uh!

Actually, you have my permission to kill this one.

Where are you going?!

Oh! What extraordinary teeth you have!

ROARING AND SCREAMING

Well, join me tomorrow, when we'll...

I'LL be looking at a bull that's the size of a small elephant.

And then early man will be turning it into hamburgers. See you, then.

Us pirates could be dead hard to understand.

Especially for those people we held captive. Arrrrr!

Do they know who I am? Who's in charge here?

Arr! Heave-to, me hearties!

- Are you the man in charge? - That be me, you landlubber.

I'm sorry, what was that?

I am reasonably familiar with pirate parlance.

- Perhaps I could translate? - Proceed.

A landlubber, basically, means someone

who is clumsy while aboard a ship.

If that's what you mean, why don't you just speak properly?

Silence, scurvy knave!

Oh, he's at it again. Translation, please.

Scurvy is a nasty disease you can get at sea and knave...

Well, he's basically calling you a villain, sir.

If he wants to call me a scabby villain, why didn't he just say so?

Well, shiver me timbers, I'll have this bilge rat keelhauled.

THE GENTLEMAN SIGHS

Well, if a ship gets a sudden blast from a cannon,

then the wooden masts - or "timbers" - are shaken or "shivered".

It's, kind of, an expression of surprise.

And bilge is the very bottom of a ship -

a dirty, stinking place filled with rats. Hence "bilge rat."

And "keelhauled"?

A traditional pirate punishment,

where your feet are tied and you're dragged under the water,

rubbing against the barnacled bottom of the ship.

You'd be torn to pieces, sir.

That threat certainly would have had me quaking in my boots,

if I'd had ANY idea what it meant!

Speak English!

Arr! Paul, sew his mouth up.

Ugh! Translation, please.

"Sew his mouth up."

Ah.

Well, shiver me timbers.

I think I've just filled my keel with bilge.

Now you're getting the hang of it, mate. Arrr!

PIRATES LAUGH

Hello and welcome to HH TV Sport,

bringing you live sport direct from the past.

Today, we've got a truly extraordinary sporting spectacle

lined up for you - the Pirate Races.

To find out more,

I hand you over to our commentary team in the Georgian Era.

So, here we are at the pirate racecourse,

a recently-captured merchant ship.

This promises to be the most amazing race -

the riders and their jockeys

now taking their positions at the starting line.

And here they are.

Three experienced pirate jockeys and three captured monks.

Well, as you know, pirates are twisted lot.

They take particular pleasure in tormenting these religious men.

And they're under starter's orders.

BIRD CAWS

And they're off!

Well, it's a cracking start to the race.

They're approaching the first obstacle now,

which is a board of nails.

This racecourse is a recently- captured merchant ship -

the merchants have tried to prevent the pirates capturing the ship

by putting down a board full of nails, right across the deck.

Oh, dear! Brother Carlos has trodden on one!

Oh, and there goes his vow of silence. That is unfortunate.

Oh, and just look at this, Brother Miguel's jockey

is making him drink rum at gunpoint. Is that normal?

I'm afraid so, John, some pirates like to amuse themselves

by forcing monks to get drunk.

But this is the first time I've actually seen it

used in an actual race.

And, yeah, Brother Miguel

really feeling the effects of the rum, there.

And here's the next obstacle.

The merchants have put butter and peas on the deck(?)

That's to make the decks slippy for the pirates.

And the riders certainly struggling with this one.

Slipping into the lead there is Father Xavier...

Lazy monk, come on!

..whose jockey is making judicious use of the cat-o'-nine-tails.

Well, that's the pirates' whip of choice.

And they're coming up to the finishing line

and it's Father Xavier who wins by a bald head.

And his jockey receives his well-deserved winner's trophy,

his to treasure.

Ah, well, not for long, John.

- Well, that's pirates for you. - THEY LAUGH

Back to the studio.

Tall tales Atrocious acts

We gave you all the fearsome facts

The ugly truth No glam or glitz... #

Can't get enough of Horrible Histories?

Then go to the CBBC website and click on the link!

See you there!

The past is no longer a mystery

Hope you enjoyed

Horrible Histories. #

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