Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians,

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians Woeful wars, ferocious fights

# Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description

# Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes

# Punishments from ancient times

# Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless

# Caveman savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, rainy sages

# Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to HORRIBLE HISTORIES! #

Hi, I'm a surprisingly- handsome, Anglo-Saxon scientist

and I'm going to tell you about the wonders of the Anglo-Saxon universe.

It's amazing!

Some people think that, just because it was sometimes called

the Dark Ages, us Anglo-Saxons were all stupid and didn't know anything.

They haven't got a clue.

I bet they're not as handsome as me, either?

The Venerable Bede was an amazing Anglo-Saxon monk,

and he wrote a book called On The Reckoning Of Time.

It's a book. Like Harry Potter!

Bede explained how the length of daylight changes

because the Earth is round

and he showed how the tides were affected by the motion of the moon.

See, he wasn't stupid, was he? He knew loads. Amazing!

OK, thanks, Brian. That's great, thank you.

Hang on, I've got another brilliant Anglo-Saxon scientific fact.

Right, are you sure you don't want to quit while you're ahead?

No, it's amazing!

Great, well, you can't say we didn't warn you.

We Anglo-Saxons were the first people anywhere in the world

to discover the scientific fact that storms are caused by people

from a cloud country in the sky called Magonia.

Oh, here we go! >

They'd use the bad weather as cover to come in their giant airships

and steal our crops.

That's why we have to pay a weather wizard to keep them away.

OK, fellas, usual routine. Let's go, come on.

No, no, no, it's true.

We've even caught a Magonian spy.

Well, you know, a woman picking fruit off a tree, after a storm.

Shame they weren't all as smart as that Bede fellow, eh?

Comets are dragons! It's Anglo-Saxon scientific fact!

The term Anglo-Saxon comes from two tribes who settled from England,

the Angles and the Saxons,

but there were also other tribes, like the Jutes.

They all believed in magic,

so when the Pope sent a monk called Augustine

to convert them to Christianity,

King Aethelbert thought he was a wizard.

Have heart, men, our enemy may have mystical powers

beyond our imagining, but he made his first mistake

by agreeing to meet us out here.

The open air will limit his magical powers.

Sire, the dread wizard approaches.

I am Aethelbert, King of Kent. Speak!

Brother Augustine. St Augustine, one day, fingers crossed,

try not to be too big-headed.

Oh, slap wrists, naughty. Anyhoo, I have a message.

Sire, where's the rest of them?

This bloke's the least scary person I've ever seen in my life.

Do not be fooled by this man's puny body and silly face.

Erm, hello, I can hear you both, actually. Quite hurtful.

Now, when you're ready, I have a message from the Pope.

Nice and slow.

He's been most interested in the Angles ever since

he saw one in the market place in Rome.

It's a funny story, actually.

He said, "Who's this strange- looking blonde person?"

And his assistant said, "That's an Angle," and the Pope said,

"An Angle? More like an angel."

HE LAUGHS

Sorry, which was the funny bit?

Well, he's a Pope, isn't he?

He's not a professional comedian. What do you expect?

Anyway, he's so keen on you Angles that he sent me

on my mission to Britain.

An invasion?

No, he doesn't want us to take over,

he just wants to convert you to Christianity.

Oh, is that it?

All right, I'm in.

Oh, what? That's a miracle.

Well, not really, my wife's a Christian

and I've been thinking about it for a while, so...

Would she like to build a church in Canterbury?

Already built one of those...for the wife.

Right, then, just, er, carry on. God be with you.

- Oh, what does he want to be god of? - I'm sorry?

It's just we've got loads of gods we've been worshipping for years,

so we're not going to stop worshipping them.

- Our God is the God of everything. - It's a bit greedy, isn't it?

I don't think you're quite getting the hang of this.

Maybe I should stick around.

Er, I'll call myself the Archbishop of Canterbury, how's about that?

You could be god of something, if you want?

No, no, there only is one God.

Ah! And that's...you?

- No, no, that's Him. - Me?

No, not you. God.

- The god of... - Everything.

- Like dreams? - Yeah, dreams.

And smells?

If you like, yeah.

Introducing the latest weapon in the war against the plague.

The Whiffy jar.

Hello, I'm a Stuart doctor.

Now, we all know that the plague is spread by bad smells.

Well, there's only one way to stop it.

That's right, with more bad smells. Makes sense, doesn't it?

- Not really. - It makes sense!

You simply take a jar and collect as many guffs as possible in it.

HE BREAKS WIND LOUDLY

There.

Then, as soon as anyone is feeling unwell,

you simply give them a whiff of it.

HE RETCHES

There you go, old boy. Feeling any better now?

No, if anything, I feel worse.

Oh! That's worse than his.

- Seriously, are we doing this now? I'm ill. - Sorry.

Here's how we think it works.

The bad air of the trump

fights off the bad air

that's carry

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