Original subtitles

Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

Horrible Histories. #

Yo, yo, yo! MC mouse is in da house. Well, actually I'm a rat,

but MC rat in da flat sounds a bit rubbish, really.

Anyhow, time to get this song special started,

so let's rock back to the Stone Age!

Not that this is a rock song, it's actually jazz.

And so you've heard the Stone Age occurred

For two and a half million years

But there's more of Stone Age to engage

Than maybe it first appears

Dinosaurs, Neanderthals let's make this clearer

Didn't live together came from different eras

That's not all I can tell ya So much more to be known

About the many phases in the ages of stone

Shoo be do be do wop it's all the rage

So skiddly bop do wop brush up on your Stone Age

Oh, yeah!

All right!

It's fine to define the Neo-Palaeolithic

But you're gonna have to be a little more specific

Do you mean lower when ancient beings first used tools

Or metal Palaeolithic when Neanderthal ruled?

That's when Homo sapiens starts to emerge

But just in Africa, it's long before the global surge

Not till upper Palaeolithic 40,000 years ago

Did Neanderthal and Homo sapiens say hello

Neanderthal and Homo sapi

Living in caveman harmony

Language was invented cave painting art

Then Palaeolithic ended which meant the start

Of phase two be do be do wop turn a new page

Skiddly bop do wop brush up on your Stone Age

Oh, yeah! All right!

This is where it starts to get all scientific

Palaeolithic's followed by the era Mesolithic

Then Neanderthals are wiped out by the ice age, horrific

After which the Neolithic age was terrific

Man learned to farm, build homes so they could settle

Then some other folks turned up and they discovered metal

Bigger men from Europe found bronze and outgrown

The simple and traditional ways of stone

Bronze Age was invented by now man was flying

Cos hot on his heels came the age of iron

Celts, Druids, religion and Rome

By now a distant memory those ages of stone

Shoo be do be do wop since that metallic stage

Skiddly bop do wop there was no more Stone Age

Sho be do be do wop now you know what is known

About the many phases of the ages of stone. #

Ye-e-eah!

All right!

Time for the next song. You ain't wrong,

it's Egyptian star, Cleopatra.

Rah rah, Cleopatra

Famous beauty coming at ya

Rah rah, Patracleo

Guys all go gaga for me-o

I am a leader and a lady and a Queen

I'm Cleopatra, such a Queen never been seen

I am a pharaoh, yet they're all meant to be guys

But I don't care-o, I just wear-o a beard disguise

My mum and dad were pharaohs I thought I was too

But both my older sisters thought that they should rule too

Oh dear they both died I wonder who that will leave

Little me-o pharaoh Cleo OK, no time to grieve

Think that's alarming, you'd be right but it gets worse

Married my half brother and we ruled the universe

That bad romance led to an overcrowded throne

But then he died, boo hoo So now I rule alone

Woah woah woah woah woah

All hail lady Cleo

Woah woah woah la la

Coolest pharaoh by far

Fashion topped my list of vices

Bathed in asses' milk and spices

Then I dressed like goddess Isis Long black hair in ringlets nicest

Vipers too for men entices

Finest linen robe, top prices

Married another brother, he's an OK geezer

But never told of my love for Julius Caesar

Had Caesar's child and hoped that he'd be crowned king

My bro said no, I said oh and I murdered him

Cos I am Cleopatra Egypt's royalty

The ruling pharaoh don't you dare-o mess with me

My poker face smiles only when I see

A man who takes my fancy like, oh, Mark Antony

- Woah woah woah woah woah - Another Roman leader

Woah woah woah la la No Egyptian crowd pleaser

- Rah rah, Cleopatra - Finally I'd met my match-a

- Rah rah, Patracleo - Ends in death for him and me-o

My life was a drama I was one kooky mamma

Woah woah woah you know

Today I'd be a favourite of the paparazzo. #

No pictures, no pictures.

Are you liking my music mix so far, eh?

You should be. I'm the best DJ in the world!

If you think I like to boast, you've never met a Celtic warrior.

Let's have a...

Boast battle!

BEATBOXING

So let's clear the air Grab a chair

I got flair when I fight a bear

I rip off it's skin for my wife to wear

I did it for a dare I'm your worst nightmare

Look close, check out my facial hair

Relax, face facts, a fight with you would be an anticlimax

When you go to war, you don't take off your slacks

Look at me, I'm tough I fight in the buff

- I could say more but I've said enough, so... - Boast battle!

- Have grace, shut your face - Boast battle!

You're well off the pace

Seems to me that you're not even skilled

I'd stab you right now but I'm trying to chill

In a rage, on the rampage

I've killed more men than old age

- Boast battle! - And I've only just begun

- Boast battle! - And I'm not even done

You're just killing the enemy That's lazy

I kill my own people I'm that crazy

I go berserk and my eyes go glazy

I get so mad I could stab a daisy... #

But I won't, cos that would be...stupid

All right, all right, stop! Think a while

Look at your style, man, that's vile

Looks like you've been dressed by a reptile

I'm dressed like a king I wear a torc round my neck

When I'm doing my killing On my finger, I'm wearing a ring

When I said I fight nude, I wasn't counting my bling, yeah

- Boast battle! - And I paint myself blue

- Boast battle! - That's way, way cooler than you

So much better than you that you ought to bow

I'd fight you but you wouldn't know how

Enough of the talk, yeah? End this now

I can sum it all up in just one word... #

Oww!

Mu-um!

Those Celts might think they're tough,

but they're nothing compared to this Middle Ages Scottish rebel.

I am William Wallace My life was a mystery

Some say born 1272, some say 1263

Was that Malcolm of Paisley Maybe Alan from Ayr

Did I have a wife or no? Do you really care?

They say I had a big red beard but all you need to know

I was a Scottish rebel and the English were my foe

William Wallace, Scottish rebel

This is war, I cried

Many English fought me

And many English died

I took against the English back when I was fairly wee

Cos an Englishman called Selby bullied my whole family

It upset me so I struck him dead Well, wouldn't you?

An English sheriff came along Guess what? I killed him too

They say he killed my wife so he deserved what he got

Then England's King Ed came for me

Oh, I'm scared...not!

William Wallace, Scottish rebel

Possibly six foot seven

But all that really matters is

I sent Englishmen to heaven

40,000 English came to Stirling Bridge for me

They had to cross a narrow bridge to get to us, you see

We held them off, pushed them back, it was no contest

Bridge collapsed hundreds drowned

Of course I killed the rest

Celebrated Stirling Bridge another Scottish win

By decorating my sword with the English General's skin

William Wallace, Scottish rebel

Scottish legend too

Fought for Scottish freedom

Was a hero through and through

GUITAR SOLO

Here's where my rebel story comes unstuck

At Falkirk defeated I'd run out of luck

Spent seven years playing hide and seek

Captured, sent to London, tried for treason, what a cheek

King Ed hanged me then a lovely touch

Pulled my guts out Guess he didn't like me much

Ye-e-e-eah!

William Wallace, Scottish rebel

In Scotland my heart lived

Though sadly my head wound up

On a spike on London Bri-i-idge. #

Ooh, that smarts!

Time for some Aztec priests to change the mood,

so let's see you get on down at the disc-aztec.

We're Aztec priests so mind your head

Our prisoners always wind up dead

Our favourite colour is blood red We're not nice

At an Aztec temple's opening day

We priests would please the gods this way

Hordes of enemies we'd slay by sacrifice

To win at war make crops grow more

To cure our kids when ill

The sun to shine this song to rhyme

More victims we must kill

Ha ha ha ha

You won't survive You won't survive

Ha ha ha ha

Ain't staying alive Ain't staying alive

Ye-e-eah

With sacrifice, we priests appease

Our gods, each powerful big cheese

Let's hear it for your favourites please

O-o-oh

We're doing it for Toci

The Aztec goddess of the earth's heart

We're doing it for Chantico

Goddess who makes volcanoes start

We're doing it for Itzli

The goddess of stone knives

We're doing it for Itztlacoliuhqui

Chiconahuiehecatl... #

Er... Some other gods' great lives

Ha ha ha ha

Don't cross us Aztecs we advise ya

Ha ha ha ha

Or you'll end up as fertiliser

Ye-e-eah

Our year starts in November

When every priestly member

Is asked if they'll remember our Aztec dead

We do this if you haven't guessed

By getting something off your chest

Your heart would probably be best or else your head

And then on our year planners it's the raising of the banners

And it's only polite manners

To kill more guys

December and January dismembering methods vary

All you need to know is that we pile 'em high

May and June, it's summer time the killing is easy

It's only halfway through the year

Bet you're feeling queasy

In autumn time, we sweep our homes and kill some more, but then

By late October the killing's over

Then it starts up again

Ha ha ha ha

You won't survive You won't survive

Ha ha ha ha

Ain't staying alive Ain't staying alive

Ha ha ha ha

Want to live until you're old?

Ha ha ha ha

Avoid us priests You've been told. #

Ha-ha-ha!

Middle Ages' King Richard III came in for a lot of bad press.

But did he really deserve it?

Take it away, little Richard.

I was sure that you'd love me

To that hope I did cling

Cos I'm Richard III

And everybody loves a king

Thought I did a good job Why do you disagree?

There's a lot of people spreading nasty rumours 'bout me

Every word is a lie so I'm singing this song

Cos the history books have been telling it wrong

Never had a limp Always walked my full height

Never had a hump and my arm was all right

Never took the Crown with illegal power

Never killed my nephews the Princes in the Tower

Tudor propaganda, it's all absurd

Time to tell the truth about King Richard III

My brother Edward died

His kids too young to rule

So I took the throne

Why not? I'm nobody's fool

Thomas Moore wrote a history said I murdered Edward's boys

Shakespeare said their death was an evil ploy

But I say those two are historical vandals

They've ruined my image I mean, what a scandal!

Never bumped off those harmless young heirs

Never buried them under the Tower of London stairs

Never poisoned my wife bumped off her daddy

This is me, sweet Richard Do I look like a baddie?

Never was two-faced sure you'll agree

I was misunderstood King Richard three

Can you imagine it I'm the last Plantagenet

Beaten by Henry in the Wars of the Roses

The Tudor dynasty didn't care that much for me

Now I'm painted as a baddie, that's why one, supposes...

Never forget when you hear of my crimes

Never drowned my brother in a massive vat of wine

Never said a horse, my kingdom for a horse

Who made that up? Why William Shakespeare of course

Now my tale is told You won't hear a bad word

About a special ruler, King Richard III. #

I'm a nice guy.

WASP BUZZES

Oh, there's a wasp, there's a wasp!

There's a wasp! Oh, there's a wasp!

Poor old Richard III, he seems like a nice guy.

Unlike this Georgian villain,

who everybody thought was terribly glamorous. I beg to differ!

Everyone thinks they know the story

Of Dick Turpin's highway glory

But my past is far more gory I was no saint

You think life is one big antic My profession is romantic

Hate to be pedantic, but it ain't

Huh!

As a butcher down in Essex I was handy with a knife

Had a sideline as a poacher Led a less-than-honest life

The notorious gang of Gregory liked my style and dedication

They signed me up and gave me a real robber's education

We rampaged through the Essex farms, stole and robbed and fought

But when the law came for us I escaped and they got caught

I became a highwayman

- Was daylight robbery - Huh!

I was no prince charming

- Nothing dandy about me - Huh!

The truth is I was violent and with my good mate Matt King

Robbed travellers at gunpoint Money, watches, anything

My horse wasn't called Black Bess although that's what you've read

Was no romantic hero Shot not one but two men dead

The legend that surrounds me misses out the crucial part

I was a ruthless killer with a ruthless killer's heart

I was a vicious highwayman A source of pain and tears

Huh!

When you hear how my story ends

- You won't believe your ears - Huh!

I ran away to Yorkshire changed my name to John Palmer

Was sent to prison after stealing chickens from a farmer

Wrote a letter to my family A plea it did relate

The postman saw the envelope and here's the twist of fate

He had taught me how to write so he knew I'd lied

That's not John Palmer's hand That's Dick Turpin's, he cried

Was a vicious highwayman, my crimes had brought me fame

- Huh! - Was stitched up by a postie

That's not glamorous, that's lame

Huh!

No more stand and deliver You'll remember this I hope

Huh!

It's no fun hanging with highwaymen

When you're hanging from a rope. #

Us DJ's sometimes do requests and here's one right here.

It says, "Please shut up and play the next song."

Right then! I'll, er... shut up and play the next song.

A little something from Victorian times.

In good old Queen Victoria's day Industrial Revolution

Meant bosses said please we need more employees

We needed a solution

Who will climb our chimneys Who will power our grids?

Victorian families so desperately poor

They'll let us employ their kids for...

- Work, terrible work - From very young ages

- Up chimneys to clean - Paid pitiful wages

- Work terrible work - Pins make you work faster

- If we grow too big - Get sacked by the master

Now you're all in my employ

Cleaning in the factory

- We're not very strong - And the hours are long

This work is unsatisfactory!

Learn not to get caught in spokes

Or trap our hands in gauges

To stop machines and get you out

Will cost you one week's wages

THEY GASP

- Work terrible work - There's no health or safety

- So if we get hurt - They will just replace me

Work terrible work... #

Sorry!

SHE WHISTLES

Now that I am short of cash I have to pick pockets

Wallets from gentlemen and ladies' lockets

Small enough to get away Hardly ever caught

And if we are, we're kids you see To cry is what we're taught... #

Boo-hoo!

Work terrible work

Dangerous and demeaning

- No time to complain - Get back to your cleaning

Work terrible work

Guess what we are dreaming?

School glorious school

Wonderful school Marvellous school

Wish we went to...

Scho-o-ol. #

And it wasn't just Victorian children who got a raw deal,

so did women.

Because only men were allowed to vote

and towards the end of Victoria's reign,

some women started protesting this was unfair, good day.

- We are the Suffragettes. - Think you know some fierce girls?

You ain't heard nothing yet.

A lass called Millie Fawcett founder of our cause

Started the battle for our rights

Argued the government to change the laws

Here is how she stated our plight

How come girls can't vote for rules that we have to obey

When we work and pay taxes too

- Parliament's reaction was... - Oh, do go away!

How dare they diss the Suffrage crew

Suffragettes sing We're going to do this thing

Peaceful protests started in 1903

Got no reaction Needed drastic action

- Got a new leader, Emmeline Pankhurst - That's me!

Burst down to parliament shouting votes for women

Actions that were shocking and new

Chain ourselves to Palace gates Tension was brimming

On the WSPU

Burned down churches, smashed up shops, attacked MPs

The result, we were thrown in jail

This made us more determined as you'll come to see

Think we'd give up fighting? Hey, fail!

Suffragettes sing Together we can win

In prison we protested and went on hunger strike

Men still said no But we just said yo!

You won't stop us now... #

Miss Davison, please take the mic

We became more extreme

Derby Day, June 13

In front of King and Queen committed sacrifice supreme

Crept unseen between the teeming crowds watching the race

And threw myself under a horse to try and make our case

Became a famous martyr How did men react...? #

We can't give women votes if they're so stupid, they'll do that!

Seemed our cause was lost when World War came along

Our Suffragette reaction

Was to wave our protest goodbye Farewell, so long

To patriotic action

Put down our banners saying give us votes, instead

Supported the men's fight

We worked to help them win the war, so guess what they said...? #

OK, ladies, you were right.

Suffragettes sing, We've done it, ding ding

At last those men can see they should treat us the same

So all take note Now women can vote

And it's thanks to those who fought

In the Suffragette name. #

That's all from me, the MC.

My work here is done, been fun,

One last rhyme, see you next time.

The rat rules. And so, my friends, did this little lot.

Go on! I challenge you to learn the chorus. Ha-ha!

I'm William the Conqueror My enemies stood no chance

They call me the first English King although I come from France

1066, the Domesday Book, I gave to history

So fat on death my body burst but enough about me

To help remember all your Kings I've come up with this song

A simple rhyming ditty for you all to sing alo-o-ong

Oh!

William...

Bit short, innit? We need more kings. Who came next?

William II, cheeks were red Killed out hunting so it's said

- I took over, Henry I - That's my next eldest son

Then King Stephen It's true, check it

I, Henry II killed Thomas Beckett

Richard Lionheart, that's right Always spoiling for a fight

Oh, King John, what a disaster Rule restrained by Magna Carta

William, William, Henry, Stephen Henry, Richard, John, oi!

Time for my mate, King Henry eight to take up this song

Henry III built the RB Ed I hated Scots

A red hot poker killed Ed II That must have hurt him lots

Edward III was a chivalry nerd Began the Hundred Years' War

Then Richard II was king aged ten Then Henry, yes, one more

King Henry IV, plots galore Not least from Henry V, why?

- Killed ten score at Agincourt Then Henry VI arrived - Waah!

Edward IV, Edward V Richard III, he's bad

Cos he fought wars with Henry VII First Tudor and my dad

So Henry VIII, I was great Six wives, two were beheaded

Edward VI came next but he died young and so my dreaded

- Daughter Mary, ruled so scary then along came... - Me!

I'm Liz the first, I had no kids so Tudors RIP

William, William, Henry, Stephen Henry, Richard, John, oi!

Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich II Then three more Henrys join our song

Edward, Edward, Richard III Henry, Henry, Ed again

- Mary I, good Queen Bess - That's me, time for more men

James VI of Scotland next as English James I he led

Then Stuarts ruled, so Charles I The one who lost his head

No monarchy until came me Charles II, I liked to party

King Jimmy II was scary, ooh! Then Mary was a smarty

She ruled with Bill, their shoes were filled by sourpuss Anne Gloria

And so from then you were ruled by men

Till along came me, Victoria-a-a

William, William, Henry, Stephen Henry, Richard, John, oi!

Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich II, then three more Henry's join our song

Edward, Edward, Richard III Henry, Henry, Ed again

Mary I, good Queen Bess Jimmy, Charles and Charles again,

Jim, Will, Mary, Anne Gloria

Still to come it's Queen Victoria

- And so began the Hanover gang George I and George II - Grim!

- George III was quite absurd - Till I replaced old him

- King George IV known henceforth As angry, fat and cross - Hang on!

- It's true you beat Napoleon but were mostly a dead loss - Bang on!

- Old William IV was a sailor - Ahoy! - It's nearly the end of the story-a

On to the scene comes the best loved Queen

Hail to Queen Victoria-a-a

William, William, Henry, Stephen Henry, Richard, John, oi!

Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich II and three more Henry's join our song

Edward, Edward, Richard III Henry, Henry, Ed again

Mary I, good Queen Bess Jimmy, Charles and Charles again,

Jim, Will, Mary, Anne Gloria

George, George, George, George Will, Victoria

Victoria-a!

Victoria-a! Victoria-a! #

I ruled for 64 years, you know.

Ed VII, George V, Ed VIII

George VI Bess II then reigned, and how!

And so our famous monarch song's been brought right up to now

O-o-oh!

William, William, Henry, Stephen Henry, Richard, John, oi!

Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich II and three more Henry's join our song

Edward, Edward, Richard III Henry, Henry, Ed again

Mary I, good Queen Bess, Jimmy Charles and Charles again

Jim, Will, Mary, Anne Gloria

George, George, George, George Will, Victoria

Edward, George, Edward, George VI

And Queen Liz II

Completes the li-i-ist

That's all the English kings and queens

Since William I

That there have be-e-en. #

Tall tales, atrocious acts

We gave you all the fearsome facts... #

Want some more Horrible Histories?

Then come with me down the time sewers.

Just go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.

See you down there!

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