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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:03,219 Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians 2 00:00:03,220 --> 00:00:04,699 Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians 3 00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:07,459 Woeful wars, ferocious fights, dingy castles, daring knights 4 00:00:07,460 --> 00:00:09,819 Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians 5 00:00:09,820 --> 00:00:12,219 Vicious Vikings, cruel crime Punishments from ancient times 6 00:00:12,220 --> 00:00:13,419 Romans rotten, rank and ruthless, 7 00:00:13,420 --> 00:00:15,179 Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless 8 00:00:15,180 --> 00:00:17,659 Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages 9 00:00:17,660 --> 00:00:20,339 Gory stories we do that 10 00:00:20,340 --> 00:00:23,059 And your host a talking rat 11 00:00:23,060 --> 00:00:25,819 The past is no longer a mystery 12 00:00:25,820 --> 00:00:27,099 Welcome to... 13 00:00:27,100 --> 00:00:31,500 Horrible Histories. # 14 00:00:36,660 --> 00:00:41,499 Seriously, why does it have to be me? All right, all right, all right! 15 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:43,299 I'll do it! 16 00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:46,139 - You guys have to back me up, OK? - Absolutely. - Yes. 17 00:00:46,140 --> 00:00:49,220 - We're right behind you. - Cool. 18 00:00:57,540 --> 00:01:00,980 - Yes? - Good morning, sir. We were just wondering... 19 00:01:03,140 --> 00:01:06,499 I was just wondering if, er... 20 00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:08,299 p...possibly we, um... 21 00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:09,900 We'd like a pay rise? 22 00:01:11,540 --> 00:01:15,659 - I'm sorry. I thought you just said you wanted a pay rise. - I did. 23 00:01:15,660 --> 00:01:18,459 We want more money and better working conditions. 24 00:01:18,460 --> 00:01:22,579 - Is this some peasant joke that I'm too rich to understand? - No, no. 25 00:01:22,580 --> 00:01:26,139 It's just, thanks to this terrible plague sweeping the country, 26 00:01:26,140 --> 00:01:28,419 us peasants are dropping like flies. 27 00:01:28,420 --> 00:01:31,379 Those of us who are left are quite valuable. 28 00:01:31,380 --> 00:01:34,139 Valuable, indeed! What rubbish! 29 00:01:34,140 --> 00:01:36,779 Really, some of us have had some rather tempting offers 30 00:01:36,780 --> 00:01:40,139 - from other local knights in the area. - Now, you listen to me, 31 00:01:40,140 --> 00:01:41,539 you grubby little commoner. 32 00:01:41,540 --> 00:01:43,979 You'll work my fields for pittance and be thankful, 33 00:01:43,980 --> 00:01:47,699 otherwise I'll throw you off my land and give your job to... 34 00:01:47,700 --> 00:01:49,220 What's that one called? 35 00:01:50,220 --> 00:01:52,379 - Er, that's Phil. - Phil! 36 00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:55,459 Your job will go to Phil, got it? 37 00:01:55,460 --> 00:01:57,540 PHIL COUGHS 38 00:02:00,980 --> 00:02:03,419 Oh. Well, maybe not Phil. 39 00:02:03,420 --> 00:02:05,859 He's just died of plague. 40 00:02:05,860 --> 00:02:07,859 Otherwise, I'll give your job to... 41 00:02:07,860 --> 00:02:10,859 - Um... er, I want to say John? - Roger. 42 00:02:10,860 --> 00:02:14,379 Roger! I'll give your job to Roger. Understood? 43 00:02:14,380 --> 00:02:16,499 ROGER COUGHS 44 00:02:16,500 --> 00:02:19,299 - Oh. - It's like I was telling you. 45 00:02:19,300 --> 00:02:22,379 Healthy, reliable peasants are increasingly hard to find. 46 00:02:22,380 --> 00:02:24,979 Hm. Oh, crone? 47 00:02:24,980 --> 00:02:26,739 Is what this man says true? 48 00:02:26,740 --> 00:02:28,900 CRONE COUGHS 49 00:02:32,380 --> 00:02:35,299 Oh, I'll take that as a yes. 50 00:02:35,300 --> 00:02:38,019 So, would now be a good time to start 51 00:02:38,020 --> 00:02:40,579 discussing the new terms of my employment? 52 00:02:40,580 --> 00:02:44,419 Fine! But you'd better not go dropping dead of plague after this! 53 00:02:44,420 --> 00:02:45,579 Oh, no, Sir. 54 00:02:45,580 --> 00:02:48,580 You don't need to worry about me. I'm as fit as a... 55 00:02:50,060 --> 00:02:52,699 Oh, absolutely typical! 56 00:02:52,700 --> 00:02:56,299 Well, luckily for you lot, I know my way round a... 57 00:02:56,300 --> 00:02:59,939 three-pointy stick woody... 58 00:02:59,940 --> 00:03:03,179 Oh, I'm kidding myself. I've no idea what this is called. 59 00:03:03,180 --> 00:03:05,140 I know what it's for, though. 60 00:03:08,060 --> 00:03:10,059 Who needs peasants? 61 00:03:10,060 --> 00:03:12,659 The plague wasn't the only illness you had to worry about 62 00:03:12,660 --> 00:03:14,099 in the Middle Ages. 63 00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:16,899 Most of the time, we didn't know what we were suffering from. 64 00:03:16,900 --> 00:03:20,699 There were some pretty strange symptoms going around. 65 00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:23,339 GERMAN ACCENT: Don't miss out on ze latest dance craze 66 00:03:23,340 --> 00:03:26,140 zat's taking the city of Strasbourg by storm! 67 00:03:27,420 --> 00:03:31,459 Join ze hundreds of people who are literally dancing in ze streets! 68 00:03:31,460 --> 00:03:35,339 It's Strasbourg, it's 1518 and everybody's dancing 69 00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:36,859 and nobody knows why! 70 00:03:36,860 --> 00:03:39,219 It's like zey've got... 71 00:03:39,220 --> 00:03:43,139 Careful, it's catchy. By which I mean it's highly contagious. 72 00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:46,139 Is it a disease? Is it mass hysteria? 73 00:03:46,140 --> 00:03:48,699 Either way, you'll be dancing through ze night 74 00:03:48,700 --> 00:03:51,219 and then through ze next day and then ze night 75 00:03:51,220 --> 00:03:53,179 and then through ze day and then ze night 76 00:03:53,180 --> 00:03:55,419 and the next day again. You get ze picture. 77 00:03:55,420 --> 00:03:57,739 Once you start, you just can't stop. 78 00:03:57,740 --> 00:04:00,859 You'll be dancing until you die from exhaustion. 79 00:04:00,860 --> 00:04:03,459 Ja, bop till you drop with... 80 00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:05,900 I've got dance fever, have you? 81 00:04:13,140 --> 00:04:15,419 The dance craze lasted for a whole month - 82 00:04:15,420 --> 00:04:17,699 and if you think it sounds just plain silly, 83 00:04:17,700 --> 00:04:21,779 imagine watching your dad's most embarrassing dancing for a month. 84 00:04:21,780 --> 00:04:24,180 See how serious it was now? Hm? 85 00:04:29,380 --> 00:04:31,179 Why do mice need oiling? 86 00:04:31,180 --> 00:04:33,619 Well, you can treat a lot of medical conditions 87 00:04:33,620 --> 00:04:36,259 by putting oil in their diet. 88 00:04:36,260 --> 00:04:38,819 What? Well, you tell me. Why do mice need oiling? 89 00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:42,899 Because they squeak? Look, please stop calling this number! 90 00:04:42,900 --> 00:04:45,339 Hello, I'm an Ancient Greek philosopher 91 00:04:45,340 --> 00:04:48,779 and I'm looking to buy a tortoise to perform an experiment on. 92 00:04:48,780 --> 00:04:50,619 Get out! I don't sell animals 93 00:04:50,620 --> 00:04:53,139 for historical people to do nasty experiments on. 94 00:04:53,140 --> 00:04:54,779 Oh, it's not a nasty experiment. 95 00:04:54,780 --> 00:04:58,699 I simply need to see if it can beat the great Achilles in a race. 96 00:04:58,700 --> 00:05:00,579 Well, it can't. It's a tortoise. 97 00:05:00,580 --> 00:05:02,899 The only thing a tortoise can beat is a brick. 98 00:05:02,900 --> 00:05:04,939 Ah, but what if Achilles... 99 00:05:04,940 --> 00:05:07,219 - SQUEAKS - ..was to allow the tortoise... 100 00:05:07,220 --> 00:05:10,779 - NO SOUND - Oh. A 100 yard start. You see? 101 00:05:10,780 --> 00:05:13,179 Then by the time he has run 100 yards, 102 00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:15,899 the tortoise will have advanced another yard, 103 00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:18,139 so Achilles will have had to run that extra yard. 104 00:05:18,140 --> 00:05:20,459 By then, the tortoise is advanced again. 105 00:05:20,460 --> 00:05:22,579 Every time Achilles reaches the place 106 00:05:22,580 --> 00:05:24,379 where the tortoise previously was, 107 00:05:24,380 --> 00:05:26,219 the tortoise has moved forward. 108 00:05:26,220 --> 00:05:29,499 Only by a fraction, but forward nevertheless. 109 00:05:29,500 --> 00:05:33,099 Meaning Achilles can never actually catch the tortoise. 110 00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:35,779 Just a philosophical argument I'm working on. 111 00:05:35,780 --> 00:05:38,739 Well, you're stupid, but you do sound harmless. 112 00:05:38,740 --> 00:05:41,179 - Fine, you can have a tortoise. - Brilliant! 113 00:05:41,180 --> 00:05:44,219 Also, I was wondering, could I buy a goat, please, 114 00:05:44,220 --> 00:05:45,859 if that's possible? 115 00:05:45,860 --> 00:05:47,659 For another harmless experiment? 116 00:05:47,660 --> 00:05:50,859 - HE LAUGHS - No, no, it's a sacrifice. 117 00:05:50,860 --> 00:05:54,579 - No. - Oh, don't worry. I won't do it unless the animal agrees. 118 00:05:54,580 --> 00:05:58,219 - How will you get a goat to agree with you? - I'll ask its permission 119 00:05:58,220 --> 00:06:02,059 and then sprinkle water on it's head until it looks like it's nodding. 120 00:06:02,060 --> 00:06:04,339 Are you an idiot? 121 00:06:04,340 --> 00:06:05,819 Are you leaving now? 122 00:06:05,820 --> 00:06:08,700 - Oh! - Right! Go on, then. 123 00:06:10,820 --> 00:06:14,979 Do you know if there's another pet shop in the area? 124 00:06:14,980 --> 00:06:18,459 Ancient Greeks really did get animals to agree to their fate 125 00:06:18,460 --> 00:06:22,579 before sacrifice by sprinkling water on their heads to make them nod. 126 00:06:22,580 --> 00:06:25,499 Fortunately, rats weren't exactly high 127 00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:27,859 on any Greek god's sacrifice wish list. Ha! 128 00:06:27,860 --> 00:06:30,339 Hey, and there was some unusual goings on 129 00:06:30,340 --> 00:06:32,420 at this religious festival, as well. 130 00:06:34,220 --> 00:06:36,699 Hey, Festival fans! I'm Fearne Polyester, 131 00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:39,299 here in Ancient Greece to bring you what's happening 132 00:06:39,300 --> 00:06:42,379 at the all-girl Thesmophoria Festival. Yay! 133 00:06:42,380 --> 00:06:44,739 THEY SCREAM 134 00:06:44,740 --> 00:06:46,939 These are my new BFFs - 135 00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:49,700 Agatha and Helena. They are proper nuts. 136 00:06:50,980 --> 00:06:52,859 So, are you having a good time? 137 00:06:52,860 --> 00:06:55,979 Er, what does it look like, soup-for-brains? 138 00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:58,819 That's not very nice, I was only asking. 139 00:06:58,820 --> 00:07:01,819 That's part of the Festival! we insult each other! 140 00:07:01,820 --> 00:07:04,659 Yeah, like, the ruder the better. Medusa Face! 141 00:07:04,660 --> 00:07:08,379 - Oh, I see! - Hey, what's the difference between you 142 00:07:08,380 --> 00:07:10,019 and a plank of wood? 143 00:07:10,020 --> 00:07:12,179 You're thicker! 144 00:07:12,180 --> 00:07:13,619 What about this one? 145 00:07:13,620 --> 00:07:16,459 What's the difference between your mum and a hydra? 146 00:07:16,460 --> 00:07:20,220 One's a monster with poisonous breath and the other one's a hydra! 147 00:07:21,660 --> 00:07:23,859 Yeah, OK. Let's leave it? 148 00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:27,259 So, we've done the whole crazy Ancient Greek dissing thing. 149 00:07:27,260 --> 00:07:29,459 - What's next? - Cakes. 150 00:07:29,460 --> 00:07:33,219 - Oh, wow! - No, no. We're not going to eat them. 151 00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:36,739 - Duh! We're going to bury them. - Woo! 152 00:07:36,740 --> 00:07:40,019 Yeah! What, really? You're going to bury the cakes? 153 00:07:40,020 --> 00:07:43,699 - Then we're going to kill a pig! - Oh, Killer Piggies! Is that a band? 154 00:07:43,700 --> 00:07:47,579 No, thicko! We kill a pig and bury him with the cakes. Come on! 155 00:07:47,580 --> 00:07:49,859 THEY SCREAM 156 00:07:49,860 --> 00:07:52,899 - Don't worry, they're not going to. - PIG SQUEALING 157 00:07:52,900 --> 00:07:55,700 They really are! They're going to kill a pig! 158 00:07:57,620 --> 00:08:00,259 Right, er... Woo! 159 00:08:00,260 --> 00:08:03,339 They totally killed a pig and buried it! 160 00:08:03,340 --> 00:08:05,899 Sorry, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. 161 00:08:05,900 --> 00:08:08,619 - Hey, I dug up last year's! - Oh, that's worse. 162 00:08:08,620 --> 00:08:12,099 - We're not going to eat that, are we? - No, that would be disgusting. 163 00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:16,499 - We're spread it on the ground and sit in it! - OK, that's ridiculous. 164 00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:20,339 - You want me to sit in that, in these jeans? - Yeah, come on! It'll be fun! 165 00:08:20,340 --> 00:08:22,300 Yeah, and it'll please the gods! 166 00:08:23,940 --> 00:08:26,739 - Are you kidding? - No! What is your problem? 167 00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:30,699 We do this every year, otherwise the crops'll fail and we'll starve! 168 00:08:30,700 --> 00:08:33,499 OK, then! Let's do it! Woo-hoo! 169 00:08:33,500 --> 00:08:35,499 THEY SQUEAL 170 00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:36,739 Hm! 171 00:08:36,740 --> 00:08:38,659 This is Fearne Polyester, 172 00:08:38,660 --> 00:08:41,579 sitting in a load of rotten dead pigs and cake 173 00:08:41,580 --> 00:08:46,499 - at the Thesmophoria Festival in Ancient Greece! - Whoo! 174 00:08:46,500 --> 00:08:50,259 If I've just been Punk'd, you are in so much trouble! 175 00:08:50,260 --> 00:08:53,379 - When are Kasabian on? - Who? 176 00:08:53,380 --> 00:08:56,779 The Festival of Thesmophoria was only open to women, 177 00:08:56,780 --> 00:08:59,259 but most Greek gatherings were only for men, 178 00:08:59,260 --> 00:09:02,860 like the Ancient Greek Olympics and the Isthmian games. 179 00:09:05,940 --> 00:09:09,419 And you join us here in Isthmia for this, the final race 180 00:09:09,420 --> 00:09:12,539 in this year's thrilling Isthmian Games. 181 00:09:12,540 --> 00:09:15,339 And here, about to cross the finish line in first place, 182 00:09:15,340 --> 00:09:18,139 it looks like... Yes, it's Armando of Kos. 183 00:09:18,140 --> 00:09:21,499 Armando, congratulations. That was a truly astonishing victory. 184 00:09:21,500 --> 00:09:22,659 Thanks. 185 00:09:22,660 --> 00:09:25,299 It was really hard work, but it's worth it 186 00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:27,899 - for such a fantastic prize. - Of course. 187 00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:29,819 And here is your prize. 188 00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:33,139 The incredible crown of celery. 189 00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:35,539 What? Celery? 190 00:09:35,540 --> 00:09:37,179 The prize is celery? 191 00:09:37,180 --> 00:09:38,699 Yes, didn't you know? 192 00:09:38,700 --> 00:09:41,099 No. I thought it was SALARY. 193 00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:44,219 A yearly wage! Cash! Dosh! Wonga! 194 00:09:44,220 --> 00:09:46,259 I'm in it for the money! 195 00:09:46,260 --> 00:09:50,619 Ah. Well, the bad news is, your prize is, in fact, just a celery hat. 196 00:09:50,620 --> 00:09:52,219 And what's the good news? 197 00:09:52,220 --> 00:09:55,380 The good news is, I bought this delicious Greek dip. 198 00:09:59,060 --> 00:10:01,900 Mm. Now, that is rich! 199 00:10:03,900 --> 00:10:05,620 Hm. Sorry! 200 00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:12,339 Yarrgh! We Celts were a fighting race, 201 00:10:12,340 --> 00:10:14,219 so you might be surprised to find out 202 00:10:14,220 --> 00:10:16,580 that we used to love a bit of poetry. 203 00:10:18,020 --> 00:10:21,219 The greatest king in all the land 204 00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:24,539 He ground his enemies into sand 205 00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:27,179 He reigned supreme over the Irish 206 00:10:27,180 --> 00:10:31,299 From lowly peasants To those more squirish 207 00:10:31,300 --> 00:10:34,059 But there is one doubt, if I may sew it 208 00:10:34,060 --> 00:10:36,499 He had few friends among the poets 209 00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:41,499 For his name was Aed mac Ainmuirech 210 00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:44,180 And none of them could make it rhyme. 211 00:10:45,460 --> 00:10:47,819 Brilliant! You know what? 212 00:10:47,820 --> 00:10:50,299 I was to have you killed after the poet bit, 213 00:10:50,300 --> 00:10:52,339 but you pulled it out the bag. Now... 214 00:10:52,340 --> 00:10:54,659 A piece of jewellery for your troubles. 215 00:10:54,660 --> 00:10:58,059 Anything in the room, you have but to ask. 216 00:10:58,060 --> 00:11:01,699 I like the look of that wheel brooch on your shoulder, Sire. 217 00:11:01,700 --> 00:11:03,579 - What? - Well, you said... 218 00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:06,979 - I could pick anything in the room. - I didn't mean anything! 219 00:11:06,980 --> 00:11:09,539 No-one may ask for the King's brooch! 220 00:11:09,540 --> 00:11:12,779 That is the most terrible crime in all the land. 221 00:11:12,780 --> 00:11:14,939 You're banished from all Ireland. 222 00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:19,539 No, scratch that! I'm banishing all poets from Ireland. 223 00:11:19,540 --> 00:11:21,379 Proclaim it to the Kingdom. Go on. 224 00:11:21,380 --> 00:11:23,859 From this moment, all poetry's banned. 225 00:11:23,860 --> 00:11:28,019 Banishment to all who rhyme in this land. 226 00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:30,379 What? That just rhymed. 227 00:11:30,380 --> 00:11:32,379 You're a poet! Banished! 228 00:11:32,380 --> 00:11:34,539 Oh, I'd advise against that, Sire. 229 00:11:34,540 --> 00:11:36,459 Good heralds are hard to hire. 230 00:11:36,460 --> 00:11:39,139 Argh! A poet! Banished! 231 00:11:39,140 --> 00:11:41,299 Guard, arrest them all. 232 00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:43,539 Who would you like me to chuck out first? 233 00:11:43,540 --> 00:11:45,619 Which did you think was the worst? 234 00:11:45,620 --> 00:11:46,859 Banished! 235 00:11:46,860 --> 00:11:49,739 Right, that's it. I'm through. Be gone, the lot of you! 236 00:11:49,740 --> 00:11:53,019 Oh, that rhymed! Those words you just spoke. 237 00:11:53,020 --> 00:11:55,099 So they did. 238 00:11:55,100 --> 00:11:56,540 I'll get me cloak. 239 00:11:59,060 --> 00:12:02,779 It's true. That all happened in 574 AD, 240 00:12:02,780 --> 00:12:06,059 when a poet asked for the King's jewellery. 241 00:12:06,060 --> 00:12:09,859 Till St Colombus stepped in, all poets were banned. 242 00:12:09,860 --> 00:12:14,059 But he convinced the King to let them stay in Ire-land. 243 00:12:14,060 --> 00:12:17,099 I may be a rat, but I'm a poet at heart. 244 00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:19,659 Now, what rhymes with that? 245 00:12:19,660 --> 00:12:22,779 - Oh, I've got it - fart! - RAT CACKLES 246 00:12:22,780 --> 00:12:26,099 Most immature, aren't I? I do apologise. 247 00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:28,739 Anyway, those Celts, they loved a good rhyme 248 00:12:28,740 --> 00:12:31,659 but they also loved a good boast. 249 00:12:31,660 --> 00:12:33,499 - ALL: - Yeah! 250 00:12:33,500 --> 00:12:36,859 100 Roman soldiers lay dead on the beach. 251 00:12:36,860 --> 00:12:38,259 Who'd slain them? 252 00:12:38,260 --> 00:12:41,339 I am the greatest warrior who has ever lived. 253 00:12:41,340 --> 00:12:43,019 - ALL: - Yeah! 254 00:12:43,020 --> 00:12:47,459 Warriors! Hey, how's it going? I bring tidings of great victory. 255 00:12:47,460 --> 00:12:50,820 Surely there is no warrior in the land who can match me, huh? 256 00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:57,419 I am the most fearsome warrior to walk the lands of the living. 257 00:12:57,420 --> 00:12:59,419 So, I think we've got a problem. 258 00:12:59,420 --> 00:13:01,939 I think there's only one way to settle this. 259 00:13:01,940 --> 00:13:03,739 - ALL: - Boast battle! 260 00:13:03,740 --> 00:13:05,139 THEY BEATBOX 261 00:13:05,140 --> 00:13:08,099 So let's clear the air Grab a chair 262 00:13:08,100 --> 00:13:10,259 I got flare when I fight a bear 263 00:13:10,260 --> 00:13:12,619 I rip off his skin for my wife to wear 264 00:13:12,620 --> 00:13:14,979 I did it for a dare I'm you're worst nightmare 265 00:13:14,980 --> 00:13:17,059 Look close, check out my facial hair 266 00:13:17,060 --> 00:13:18,899 Relax, face facts 267 00:13:18,900 --> 00:13:21,499 A fight with you would be an anticlimax 268 00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:23,739 When you go to war You don't take off your slacks 269 00:13:23,740 --> 00:13:26,179 Look at me, I'm tough I fight in the buff 270 00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:29,099 - I could say more, but I've said enough, so... - Boast Battle! 271 00:13:29,100 --> 00:13:31,499 - Have some grace, shut your face - Boast Battle! 272 00:13:31,500 --> 00:13:32,979 You're well off the pace 273 00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:35,299 Seems to me that you're not even skilled 274 00:13:40,500 --> 00:13:42,699 I'd stab you right now But I'm trying to chill. 275 00:13:42,700 --> 00:13:44,659 In a rage! On the rampage! 276 00:13:49,170 --> 00:13:52,729 - I've killed more men than old age, so... - Boast Battle! 277 00:13:52,730 --> 00:13:54,969 - And I've only just begun - Boast Battle! 278 00:13:54,970 --> 00:13:56,249 And I'm not even done 279 00:13:56,250 --> 00:13:58,449 You're just killing the enemy That's lazy 280 00:13:58,450 --> 00:14:00,769 I kill my own people I'm that crazy 281 00:14:00,770 --> 00:14:03,209 I go berserk and my eyes go glazy 282 00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:06,209 I get so mad I could stab a daisy... # 283 00:14:06,210 --> 00:14:09,329 But I won't, cos that'd be stupid. 284 00:14:09,330 --> 00:14:12,009 All right, all right, Stop! Think a while 285 00:14:12,010 --> 00:14:14,449 Look at your style, man That's vile 286 00:14:14,450 --> 00:14:16,729 You look like you've been dressed by a reptile 287 00:14:16,730 --> 00:14:18,969 You're a steaming pot, I'm dressed like a king 288 00:14:18,970 --> 00:14:21,169 I wear a torc round my neck When I'm doing my killing 289 00:14:21,170 --> 00:14:23,329 And on my finger I'm wearing a ring 290 00:14:23,330 --> 00:14:26,009 When I said I fight nude I wasn't counting my bling, yo 291 00:14:26,010 --> 00:14:27,889 - Boast Battle! - Oh, and I paint myself blue 292 00:14:27,890 --> 00:14:30,169 - Boast Battle! - That is way cooler than you 293 00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:32,569 So what's better than you that you ought to bow? 294 00:14:32,570 --> 00:14:34,849 I'd offer to fight you But you wouldn't know how 295 00:14:34,850 --> 00:14:37,049 Enough of the talk, yeah? Let's end this now 296 00:14:37,050 --> 00:14:39,129 I can sum it all up in just one word... # 297 00:14:39,130 --> 00:14:41,529 Ow! 298 00:14:41,530 --> 00:14:43,090 Mum! 299 00:14:55,610 --> 00:14:59,089 Ah, there! Stonehenge is finally finished. 300 00:14:59,090 --> 00:15:01,969 - What do you think, boss? - It is quite breathtaking. 301 00:15:01,970 --> 00:15:04,529 A monument to truly delight our Gods. 302 00:15:04,530 --> 00:15:06,889 It will be centuries before anyone manages to build 303 00:15:06,890 --> 00:15:08,610 a more impressive structure. 304 00:15:12,930 --> 00:15:14,529 There! 305 00:15:14,530 --> 00:15:17,209 The pyramid is finally finished. Oh! 306 00:15:17,210 --> 00:15:21,569 - What do you think, boss, huh? - Ye-eah. It's all right, I suppose. 307 00:15:21,570 --> 00:15:24,409 Not sure our Gods will be overly impressed by it, 308 00:15:24,410 --> 00:15:27,009 but it'll do, I guess. 309 00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:30,129 I've absolutely no idea how you managed to get that stone 310 00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:33,809 five metres up on top of the other one. What a feat of engineering! 311 00:15:33,810 --> 00:15:36,289 Actually, that stone near the top, 312 00:15:36,290 --> 00:15:39,809 about 135 metres up on top of the 2 million other ones, 313 00:15:39,810 --> 00:15:44,089 I don't think it's perfectly mathematically aligned. 314 00:15:44,090 --> 00:15:46,250 - I shall have myself flogged. - Good. 315 00:15:48,090 --> 00:15:51,209 It's true! Stonehenge and the Great Pyramids of Giza 316 00:15:51,210 --> 00:15:53,449 were built at about the same time. 317 00:15:53,450 --> 00:15:57,049 It's thought the enormous pyramid was built as a burial tomb 318 00:15:57,050 --> 00:15:59,129 for the Egyptian Pharaoh, Cheops. 319 00:15:59,130 --> 00:16:02,889 Yeah. Me, I'll be lucky if I get buried in a tin can. Hee! 320 00:16:02,890 --> 00:16:06,489 But it's anyone's guess what Stonehenge was built for. 321 00:16:06,490 --> 00:16:09,449 Lots of things in history are actually a mystery 322 00:16:09,450 --> 00:16:12,489 The truth's not always in the books you read 323 00:16:12,490 --> 00:16:15,449 Facts can get distorted or even mis-reported 324 00:16:15,450 --> 00:16:18,569 Imagine if that was all down to me 325 00:16:18,570 --> 00:16:20,609 Cliff White Lies! # 326 00:16:20,610 --> 00:16:23,129 - It's Whiteley! - Sorry. 327 00:16:23,130 --> 00:16:25,929 Yeah, yeah. So, it's a yes to Wellington boots, 328 00:16:25,930 --> 00:16:28,769 but a no to Napoleon flip-flops. 329 00:16:28,770 --> 00:16:30,449 Done! 330 00:16:30,450 --> 00:16:31,500 Wallop! 331 00:16:32,650 --> 00:16:35,369 Cliff, I've got an early man in reception for you. 332 00:16:35,370 --> 00:16:37,929 Well, if he's early, tell him he'll have to wait. 333 00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:42,089 - No, no. He's an early man. He's from the Stone Age. - Oh, right, yeah. 334 00:16:42,090 --> 00:16:43,690 Show him in please, Sue. 335 00:16:44,850 --> 00:16:47,449 Mr Man! Cliff Whiteley. 336 00:16:47,450 --> 00:16:49,569 Telling it how it wasn't. 337 00:16:49,570 --> 00:16:51,210 Please, take a chair. 338 00:16:52,570 --> 00:16:54,809 Oh, right. It's like a stone, 339 00:16:54,810 --> 00:16:57,769 but it's more comfortable and with a back. 340 00:16:57,770 --> 00:17:00,129 Oh, that is... That is nice! 341 00:17:00,130 --> 00:17:02,609 So, what can I didgeridoo for you, pal? 342 00:17:02,610 --> 00:17:05,409 - Well, it's about Stonehenge, Cliff. - Love the place! 343 00:17:05,410 --> 00:17:07,529 Favourite henge, hands down. 344 00:17:07,530 --> 00:17:09,849 Got a piccie on the wall and everything. 345 00:17:09,850 --> 00:17:13,289 - There seems to be some confusion about what it's for. - Yeah. 346 00:17:13,290 --> 00:17:16,849 Now, don't take this the wrong way, me old Stone Age mucker, 347 00:17:16,850 --> 00:17:18,449 but at the end of the day, 348 00:17:18,450 --> 00:17:21,929 it's just a bunch of 5,000-year-old stones, innit? 349 00:17:21,930 --> 00:17:25,449 No-one would be interested if we couldn't argue about it, 350 00:17:25,450 --> 00:17:30,169 so I cooked up a few ridiculous theories over the years 351 00:17:30,170 --> 00:17:33,009 and now, your rock garden has gone down in history. 352 00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:35,209 Oh, yeah. Back in the Middle Ages, 353 00:17:35,210 --> 00:17:38,129 I had Geoffrey of Monmouth claim that it was built 354 00:17:38,130 --> 00:17:40,689 on a mountain in Ireland by giants. 355 00:17:40,690 --> 00:17:45,009 - What? - And then magicked over to England by Merlin the Wizard. 356 00:17:45,010 --> 00:17:46,409 That's nonsense. 357 00:17:46,410 --> 00:17:48,049 We built it where it is now. 358 00:17:48,050 --> 00:17:51,369 - We hauled all the rocks over from Wales. - Don't matter, mate! 359 00:17:51,370 --> 00:17:55,089 Don't matter! It stirs up an interest, see what I mean? 360 00:17:55,090 --> 00:17:58,209 Over the years, I've had historians suggest it was an 'ouse, 361 00:17:58,210 --> 00:18:01,009 a concert hall, a Roman temple... 362 00:18:01,010 --> 00:18:05,369 Hey, we even spread it about that it was built by aliens. 363 00:18:05,370 --> 00:18:08,649 - People believe this rubbish? - People believe anything you tell them. 364 00:18:08,650 --> 00:18:11,089 Don't eat that, it's made of woodlice. 365 00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,329 CLIFF LAUGHS 366 00:18:12,330 --> 00:18:14,809 - See what I mean? - Oh, I see! 367 00:18:14,810 --> 00:18:16,529 Why not tell people the truth? 368 00:18:16,530 --> 00:18:18,129 Stop all this messing around. 369 00:18:18,130 --> 00:18:21,009 Well, that's cos, um, I... 370 00:18:21,010 --> 00:18:22,609 - can't remember. - So, hang on. 371 00:18:22,610 --> 00:18:25,609 You invented these wild theories about Stonehenge 372 00:18:25,610 --> 00:18:27,649 and you don't even know what it's for? 373 00:18:27,650 --> 00:18:31,810 I wouldn't quite put it like that. I... Yeah, basically. 374 00:18:34,010 --> 00:18:35,810 - Come on, I'll tell you. - Really? 375 00:18:37,490 --> 00:18:39,009 HE WHISPERS 376 00:18:39,010 --> 00:18:41,569 Whoa! No! 377 00:18:41,570 --> 00:18:44,530 And what did you do with all the jelly? 378 00:18:46,290 --> 00:18:49,010 Waaa-llop! 379 00:18:55,130 --> 00:18:57,729 And now, an advertising intermission 380 00:18:57,730 --> 00:18:59,370 from Ancient Mexico. 381 00:19:01,610 --> 00:19:04,409 'Is your padded armour past its best? 382 00:19:04,410 --> 00:19:09,009 'Do you need a new set, but don't have any needles or thread or cloth? 383 00:19:09,010 --> 00:19:11,370 'Then help is at hand, with the new... 384 00:19:13,010 --> 00:19:14,330 'It's a cactus! 385 00:19:14,331 --> 00:19:18,249 'Yes, that's right. You can make needles from the spines, 386 00:19:18,250 --> 00:19:20,409 'and thread and cloth from the skin. 387 00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:24,209 'Plus, if you don't like the colour, you can use the cactus to make dye. 388 00:19:24,210 --> 00:19:25,770 'That's the new... 389 00:19:27,130 --> 00:19:29,530 'Available in one not-easy-to-carry pack. 390 00:19:35,610 --> 00:19:38,009 'Are you starving hungry, 391 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:41,329 'but don't have anything to eat or anything to cook it on? 392 00:19:41,330 --> 00:19:43,610 'Then help is at hand, with the new... 393 00:19:45,410 --> 00:19:47,329 'It's a cactus! 394 00:19:47,330 --> 00:19:51,089 'Yes, that's right. Stewed cactus is delicious. 395 00:19:51,090 --> 00:19:55,489 'And to cook it, just use some more cactus. 396 00:19:55,490 --> 00:19:57,809 'If you need something to wash down your meal, 397 00:19:57,810 --> 00:19:59,729 'why not try some cactus wine? 398 00:19:59,730 --> 00:20:02,169 'That's the new... 399 00:20:02,170 --> 00:20:04,050 'with free toothpicks. 400 00:20:09,050 --> 00:20:10,889 'Do you have a hole in the roof? 401 00:20:10,890 --> 00:20:13,410 'Then help is at hand, with the new... 402 00:20:15,410 --> 00:20:17,329 'Bet you thought I'd say cactus. 403 00:20:17,330 --> 00:20:19,570 'Well, you're right! It's a cactus! 404 00:20:20,770 --> 00:20:23,169 'Just dry out some cactus to use as roof tiles, 405 00:20:23,170 --> 00:20:26,729 'then pulp more cactus to make a glue to stick them down. 406 00:20:26,730 --> 00:20:29,569 'There's nothing you can't do with a cactus... 407 00:20:29,570 --> 00:20:31,210 'apart from use it as a seat.' 408 00:20:35,210 --> 00:20:37,769 Say, have you tried this new Aztec chewing gum? 409 00:20:37,770 --> 00:20:39,890 - No, but I'd love to. - Then do! 410 00:20:42,490 --> 00:20:46,529 Hey! This chewing gum is great. What's it called? 411 00:20:46,530 --> 00:20:48,849 - Chuckle. - Chuckle? - That's right, chuckle. 412 00:20:48,850 --> 00:20:51,369 Made from the sticky resin of the sapodilla tree. 413 00:20:51,370 --> 00:20:54,769 - Tree, seriously? You're making me eat tree? - That's right! 414 00:20:54,770 --> 00:20:57,689 Chuckle Chewing Gum is made from tree resin, mixed with tar 415 00:20:57,690 --> 00:20:59,249 - and crushed insects. - Oh! 416 00:20:59,250 --> 00:21:02,050 That's OK, then. I like crushed insects. 417 00:21:03,290 --> 00:21:05,849 Chuckle resin Chuckle, chuckle resin 418 00:21:05,850 --> 00:21:08,409 Chuckle resin Chuckle, chuckle resin. # 419 00:21:08,410 --> 00:21:12,369 - Chew me. - Chew you. - Chew me. 420 00:21:12,370 --> 00:21:13,929 Chuckle resin 421 00:21:13,930 --> 00:21:15,289 Chuckle, chuckle resin. # 422 00:21:15,290 --> 00:21:17,969 And it also works as a glue! 423 00:21:17,970 --> 00:21:19,609 Keep smiling! 424 00:21:19,610 --> 00:21:22,329 I will. I can't move my mouth. 425 00:21:22,330 --> 00:21:24,329 - Seriously? - Yeah, seriously. 426 00:21:24,330 --> 00:21:25,649 Chuckle resin 427 00:21:25,650 --> 00:21:27,250 Chuckle, chuckle resin. # 428 00:21:48,730 --> 00:21:50,249 The answer is... 429 00:21:50,250 --> 00:21:53,890 "C", but those were actually all Stuart punishments. 430 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:02,480 I'll be up in a minute! 431 00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:06,279 Hello, and welcome to Horrible Points of View. 432 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:10,559 We start with a whole bag full of letters from a Mr Stuart Era. 433 00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:13,519 He's certainly been busy! What's that? 434 00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:15,439 Oh, now I feel stupid. 435 00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:17,759 It's THE Stuart Era. The Stuart Era. 436 00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:05,959 Not everyone in the Stuart Era seems to have been happy 437 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:09,759 about travelling actors performing in the marketplace at York. 438 00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:11,599 Here's what one man thought. 439 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,599 All plays be sinful. 440 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:15,479 Sinful, I tell thee. 441 00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:19,719 Damned be all those who perform this heathen entertainment. 442 00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:22,519 That from Mr Fightthegoodfightoffaith. 443 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:25,799 I'm guessing he's a Puritan. They're not so into fun. 444 00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:27,319 He went on to say... 445 00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:29,399 Although I thoroughly enjoyed the bit 446 00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:32,319 where they were put in the stocks for being travelling actors 447 00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:34,640 and whipped to within an inch of lives. 448 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:38,399 Did I just say I enjoyed it? 449 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:41,240 Having fun is sinful. I must be punished. 450 00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:47,439 I think that's enough Stuarts. 451 00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:50,799 Next time, the mailbag's from the Egyptian period. 452 00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:52,480 See you, then. 453 00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:57,519 That doesn't make any sense to me. Can you read that? 454 00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:01,199 Yes, punishments were extreme in Stuart times, 455 00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:03,879 so you wouldn't have wanted to be in Colonel Blood's shoes 456 00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:06,959 when he got caught for the most daring crime of his day - 457 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:10,119 trying to steal the Crown Jewels from the Tower of London. 458 00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:11,520 Oh, I can't look! 459 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:20,159 - Good morning, your Majesty. - Not so loud, Sotheby, please. 460 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:23,719 I had a rather major un-birthday party last night. 461 00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:25,839 Anyway, what's in the diary for today? 462 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:27,599 Well, Sire... Ahem! 463 00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:31,119 I'm pleased to report the man who tried to steal the Crown Jewels 464 00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:34,559 was caught. You might like to sentence him yourself. 465 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:36,439 You mean I get to play judge? 466 00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:40,559 - Sounds like fun. Do I get a wig? - You already have a wig, your Majesty. 467 00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:42,159 So I have. 468 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,919 - Send him in. - Bring in the prisoner! 469 00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:47,119 Are you Colonel Thomas Blood? 470 00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:48,919 Indeed I am, Sir. 471 00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:52,039 The proud mastermind behind a crime of such dastardly daring 472 00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:53,679 as to truly befit a King. 473 00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:57,639 Ooh, he's very impressive. You're very impressive, aren't you? 474 00:24:57,640 --> 00:24:59,639 - Thank you, your Majesty. - Don't forget, 475 00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:02,079 he's also a violent criminal, your Majesty. 476 00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:06,199 He tried to steal the Crown Jewels from the Tower of London. 477 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:08,039 And a gallant attempt it was too. 478 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:11,119 The perfect crime, in all but one detail. 479 00:25:11,120 --> 00:25:12,639 - Which is? - It didn't work. 480 00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:14,319 How so? What happened? 481 00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:16,799 We managed to subdue the Master of the Jewel House 482 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:19,479 - without a problem. - By subdue, you mean...? 483 00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:23,239 - Hit him on the head with a mallet. - Ah yes, that'll do it! - Indeed. 484 00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:26,359 And then, we grabbed the jewels, hid them beneath our clothes 485 00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:27,799 and made for our escape. 486 00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:30,479 However, it turns out that the Master of the Jewel House 487 00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:33,039 was not adequately subdued. 488 00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:35,279 - Meaning? - We didn't hit him hard enough. 489 00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:37,799 He started screaming "Treason, treason!" 490 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:39,679 Within minutes, we were captured. 491 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:42,199 Wow, how exciting! 492 00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:43,999 But, tell me, how did you hide 493 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:46,639 the entire Crown Jewels underneath your clothing? 494 00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:49,279 We had to make a few alterations. 495 00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:50,719 Alterations? 496 00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:54,079 Well, that's the Crown there, 497 00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:55,319 for example. 498 00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:58,039 Had to flatten that out a bit with a mallet! 499 00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:00,519 Here's the Sceptre and the Cross. 500 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:02,119 That's the other half there. 501 00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:05,439 Had to cut that in two to get it in the bag, you follow? 502 00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:07,600 And the Sovereign Orb is, er... 503 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,359 It's a little bit dented. 504 00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:13,159 Probably a little bit sweaty. 505 00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:15,999 You've destroyed my Crown Jewels! 506 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:18,039 That's punishable by death. 507 00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:21,279 They're worth over 100,000! 508 00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:23,679 Well? What do you have to say for yourself, man? 509 00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:27,160 Er, I'll give you 6,000 for the lot, not a penny more. 510 00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:32,439 HE TITTERS 511 00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:35,399 HE LAUGHS 512 00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:38,679 Oh, how can you stay mad at someone who's so funny! 513 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:40,239 In fact, 514 00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:42,919 - (I think we should let him off!) - W-what? 515 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:46,639 Well, he's a character, isn't he? He's a lovable rogue. 516 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:48,599 Yes, I'm going to let you off... 517 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:51,079 Oh, thank you, your Majesty. 518 00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:54,639 ..and give you your own estate in Ireland. 519 00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:56,519 - What? - Yes, a nice big one. 520 00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:58,079 And what else? Ooh! 521 00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:00,479 You must come round to the Palace for tea. 522 00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:04,039 - Your Majesty! - You can regale us with your funny stories. 523 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:07,679 I've got a fantastic one about the time I was plotting to kill you! 524 00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:10,319 Did you succeed? No, no, no! Don't tell me. 525 00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:13,639 I'll wait until you come round. See you soon! 526 00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:15,119 Not if I see you first! 527 00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:17,999 Oh, he's got it! I don't know what it is, 528 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:20,719 - but he's got it. I love him. - Your majesty, 529 00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:23,599 Do you think it's a good idea to give large country estates 530 00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:27,320 - to people purely because they make you laugh? - I don't see why not. 531 00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:33,399 - Knock, knock. - Not going to work, Sothers. 532 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:36,439 - Not going to work. - Oh. 533 00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:37,799 Tall tales, atrocious acts, 534 00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:39,679 We gave you all the fearsome facts... # 535 00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:41,439 Psst! Can you keep a secret? 536 00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:44,879 Me neither. I've found some great games in the time sewers. 537 00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:47,839 Want to come and play? Then go to the CBBC website 538 00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:51,479 and click on Horrible Histories. See you there! 539 00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:55,080 Horrible Histories. # 540 00:27:55,130 --> 00:27:59,680 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 42847

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