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Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians
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00:00:03,220 --> 00:00:04,699
Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
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00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:07,459
Woeful wars, ferocious fights,
dingy castles, daring knights
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00:00:07,460 --> 00:00:09,819
Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
5
00:00:09,820 --> 00:00:12,219
Vicious Vikings, cruel crime
Punishments from ancient times
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00:00:12,220 --> 00:00:13,419
Romans rotten, rank and ruthless,
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Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless
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Groovy Greeks, brainy
sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
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00:00:17,660 --> 00:00:20,339
Gory stories we do that
10
00:00:20,340 --> 00:00:23,059
And your host a talking rat
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The past is no longer a mystery
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Welcome to...
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Horrible Histories. #
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Seriously, why does it have to
be me? All right, all right, all right!
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I'll do it!
16
00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:46,139
- You guys have to back me up, OK?
- Absolutely. - Yes.
17
00:00:46,140 --> 00:00:49,220
- We're right behind you.
- Cool.
18
00:00:57,540 --> 00:01:00,980
- Yes?
- Good morning, sir. We were just wondering...
19
00:01:03,140 --> 00:01:06,499
I was just wondering if, er...
20
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:08,299
p...possibly we, um...
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We'd like a pay rise?
22
00:01:11,540 --> 00:01:15,659
- I'm sorry. I thought you just said you wanted a pay rise.
- I did.
23
00:01:15,660 --> 00:01:18,459
We want more money and better working conditions.
24
00:01:18,460 --> 00:01:22,579
- Is this some peasant joke that I'm too rich to understand?
- No, no.
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00:01:22,580 --> 00:01:26,139
It's just, thanks to this terrible
plague sweeping the country,
26
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us peasants are dropping like flies.
27
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Those of us who are left are quite valuable.
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Valuable, indeed! What rubbish!
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Really, some of us have
had some rather tempting offers
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- from other local knights in the area.
- Now, you listen to me,
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you grubby little commoner.
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You'll work my fields
for pittance and be thankful,
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00:01:43,980 --> 00:01:47,699
otherwise I'll throw you off
my land and give your job to...
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00:01:47,700 --> 00:01:49,220
What's that one called?
35
00:01:50,220 --> 00:01:52,379
- Er, that's Phil.
- Phil!
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Your job will go to Phil, got it?
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PHIL COUGHS
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Oh. Well, maybe not Phil.
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He's just died of plague.
40
00:02:05,860 --> 00:02:07,859
Otherwise, I'll give your job to...
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00:02:07,860 --> 00:02:10,859
- Um... er, I want to say John?
- Roger.
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Roger! I'll give your job to Roger. Understood?
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ROGER COUGHS
44
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- Oh.
- It's like I was telling you.
45
00:02:19,300 --> 00:02:22,379
Healthy, reliable peasants
are increasingly hard to find.
46
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Hm. Oh, crone?
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Is what this man says true?
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CRONE COUGHS
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Oh, I'll take that as a yes.
50
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So, would now be a good time to start
51
00:02:38,020 --> 00:02:40,579
discussing the new terms of my employment?
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Fine! But you'd better not go
dropping dead of plague after this!
53
00:02:44,420 --> 00:02:45,579
Oh, no, Sir.
54
00:02:45,580 --> 00:02:48,580
You don't need to worry about me.
I'm as fit as a...
55
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Oh, absolutely typical!
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00:02:52,700 --> 00:02:56,299
Well, luckily for you
lot, I know my way round a...
57
00:02:56,300 --> 00:02:59,939
three-pointy stick woody...
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00:02:59,940 --> 00:03:03,179
Oh, I'm kidding myself.
I've no idea what this is called.
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00:03:03,180 --> 00:03:05,140
I know what it's for, though.
60
00:03:08,060 --> 00:03:10,059
Who needs peasants?
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00:03:10,060 --> 00:03:12,659
The plague wasn't the only
illness you had to worry about
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00:03:12,660 --> 00:03:14,099
in the Middle Ages.
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00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:16,899
Most of the time, we didn't
know what we were suffering from.
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There were some pretty
strange symptoms going around.
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GERMAN ACCENT: Don't miss
out on ze latest dance craze
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zat's taking the city of Strasbourg by storm!
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00:03:27,420 --> 00:03:31,459
Join ze hundreds of people who
are literally dancing in ze streets!
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00:03:31,460 --> 00:03:35,339
It's Strasbourg, it's
1518 and everybody's dancing
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and nobody knows why!
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It's like zey've got...
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00:03:39,220 --> 00:03:43,139
Careful, it's catchy. By which
I mean it's highly contagious.
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00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:46,139
Is it a disease? Is it mass hysteria?
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Either way, you'll be dancing through ze night
74
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and then through ze next day and then ze night
75
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and then through ze day and then ze night
76
00:03:53,180 --> 00:03:55,419
and the next day again. You get ze picture.
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Once you start, you just can't stop.
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You'll be dancing until you die from exhaustion.
79
00:04:00,860 --> 00:04:03,459
Ja, bop till you drop with...
80
00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:05,900
I've got dance fever, have you?
81
00:04:13,140 --> 00:04:15,419
The dance craze lasted for a whole month -
82
00:04:15,420 --> 00:04:17,699
and if you think it sounds just plain silly,
83
00:04:17,700 --> 00:04:21,779
imagine watching your dad's most
embarrassing dancing for a month.
84
00:04:21,780 --> 00:04:24,180
See how serious it was now? Hm?
85
00:04:29,380 --> 00:04:31,179
Why do mice need oiling?
86
00:04:31,180 --> 00:04:33,619
Well, you can treat a lot of medical conditions
87
00:04:33,620 --> 00:04:36,259
by putting oil in their diet.
88
00:04:36,260 --> 00:04:38,819
What? Well, you tell me. Why do mice need oiling?
89
00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:42,899
Because they squeak? Look,
please stop calling this number!
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00:04:42,900 --> 00:04:45,339
Hello, I'm an Ancient Greek philosopher
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00:04:45,340 --> 00:04:48,779
and I'm looking to buy a tortoise
to perform an experiment on.
92
00:04:48,780 --> 00:04:50,619
Get out! I don't sell animals
93
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for historical people to do nasty experiments on.
94
00:04:53,140 --> 00:04:54,779
Oh, it's not a nasty experiment.
95
00:04:54,780 --> 00:04:58,699
I simply need to see if it can
beat the great Achilles in a race.
96
00:04:58,700 --> 00:05:00,579
Well, it can't. It's a tortoise.
97
00:05:00,580 --> 00:05:02,899
The only thing a tortoise can beat is a brick.
98
00:05:02,900 --> 00:05:04,939
Ah, but what if Achilles...
99
00:05:04,940 --> 00:05:07,219
- SQUEAKS
- ..was to allow the tortoise...
100
00:05:07,220 --> 00:05:10,779
- NO SOUND
- Oh. A 100 yard start. You see?
101
00:05:10,780 --> 00:05:13,179
Then by the time he has run 100 yards,
102
00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:15,899
the tortoise will have advanced another yard,
103
00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:18,139
so Achilles will have had to run that extra yard.
104
00:05:18,140 --> 00:05:20,459
By then, the tortoise is advanced again.
105
00:05:20,460 --> 00:05:22,579
Every time Achilles reaches the place
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where the tortoise previously was,
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the tortoise has moved forward.
108
00:05:26,220 --> 00:05:29,499
Only by a fraction, but forward nevertheless.
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00:05:29,500 --> 00:05:33,099
Meaning Achilles can never
actually catch the tortoise.
110
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:35,779
Just a philosophical argument I'm working on.
111
00:05:35,780 --> 00:05:38,739
Well, you're stupid, but you do sound harmless.
112
00:05:38,740 --> 00:05:41,179
- Fine, you can have a tortoise.
- Brilliant!
113
00:05:41,180 --> 00:05:44,219
Also, I was wondering,
could I buy a goat, please,
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00:05:44,220 --> 00:05:45,859
if that's possible?
115
00:05:45,860 --> 00:05:47,659
For another harmless experiment?
116
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- HE LAUGHS
- No, no, it's a sacrifice.
117
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- No.
- Oh, don't worry. I won't do it unless the animal agrees.
118
00:05:54,580 --> 00:05:58,219
- How will you get a goat to agree with you?
- I'll ask its permission
119
00:05:58,220 --> 00:06:02,059
and then sprinkle water on it's
head until it looks like it's nodding.
120
00:06:02,060 --> 00:06:04,339
Are you an idiot?
121
00:06:04,340 --> 00:06:05,819
Are you leaving now?
122
00:06:05,820 --> 00:06:08,700
- Oh!
- Right! Go on, then.
123
00:06:10,820 --> 00:06:14,979
Do you know if there's
another pet shop in the area?
124
00:06:14,980 --> 00:06:18,459
Ancient Greeks really did
get animals to agree to their fate
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00:06:18,460 --> 00:06:22,579
before sacrifice by sprinkling
water on their heads to make them nod.
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Fortunately, rats weren't exactly high
127
00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:27,859
on any Greek god's sacrifice wish list. Ha!
128
00:06:27,860 --> 00:06:30,339
Hey, and there was some unusual goings on
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00:06:30,340 --> 00:06:32,420
at this religious festival, as well.
130
00:06:34,220 --> 00:06:36,699
Hey, Festival fans! I'm Fearne Polyester,
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00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:39,299
here in Ancient Greece
to bring you what's happening
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00:06:39,300 --> 00:06:42,379
at the all-girl Thesmophoria Festival. Yay!
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00:06:42,380 --> 00:06:44,739
THEY SCREAM
134
00:06:44,740 --> 00:06:46,939
These are my new BFFs -
135
00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:49,700
Agatha and Helena. They are proper nuts.
136
00:06:50,980 --> 00:06:52,859
So, are you having a good time?
137
00:06:52,860 --> 00:06:55,979
Er, what does it look like, soup-for-brains?
138
00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:58,819
That's not very nice, I was only asking.
139
00:06:58,820 --> 00:07:01,819
That's part of the Festival!
we insult each other!
140
00:07:01,820 --> 00:07:04,659
Yeah, like, the ruder the better. Medusa Face!
141
00:07:04,660 --> 00:07:08,379
- Oh, I see!
- Hey, what's the difference between you
142
00:07:08,380 --> 00:07:10,019
and a plank of wood?
143
00:07:10,020 --> 00:07:12,179
You're thicker!
144
00:07:12,180 --> 00:07:13,619
What about this one?
145
00:07:13,620 --> 00:07:16,459
What's the difference
between your mum and a hydra?
146
00:07:16,460 --> 00:07:20,220
One's a monster with poisonous
breath and the other one's a hydra!
147
00:07:21,660 --> 00:07:23,859
Yeah, OK. Let's leave it?
148
00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:27,259
So, we've done the whole crazy
Ancient Greek dissing thing.
149
00:07:27,260 --> 00:07:29,459
- What's next?
- Cakes.
150
00:07:29,460 --> 00:07:33,219
- Oh, wow!
- No, no. We're not going to eat them.
151
00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:36,739
- Duh! We're going to bury them.
- Woo!
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00:07:36,740 --> 00:07:40,019
Yeah! What, really? You're
going to bury the cakes?
153
00:07:40,020 --> 00:07:43,699
- Then we're going to kill a pig!
- Oh, Killer Piggies! Is that a band?
154
00:07:43,700 --> 00:07:47,579
No, thicko! We kill a pig and
bury him with the cakes. Come on!
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THEY SCREAM
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00:07:49,860 --> 00:07:52,899
- Don't worry, they're not going to.
- PIG SQUEALING
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They really are! They're going to kill a pig!
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Right, er... Woo!
159
00:08:00,260 --> 00:08:03,339
They totally killed a pig and buried it!
160
00:08:03,340 --> 00:08:05,899
Sorry, that's the most disgusting
thing I've ever seen.
161
00:08:05,900 --> 00:08:08,619
- Hey, I dug up last year's!
- Oh, that's worse.
162
00:08:08,620 --> 00:08:12,099
- We're not going to eat that, are we?
- No, that would be disgusting.
163
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:16,499
- We're spread it on the ground and sit in it!
- OK, that's ridiculous.
164
00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:20,339
- You want me to sit in that, in these jeans?
- Yeah, come on! It'll be fun!
165
00:08:20,340 --> 00:08:22,300
Yeah, and it'll please the gods!
166
00:08:23,940 --> 00:08:26,739
- Are you kidding?
- No! What is your problem?
167
00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:30,699
We do this every year, otherwise
the crops'll fail and we'll starve!
168
00:08:30,700 --> 00:08:33,499
OK, then! Let's do it! Woo-hoo!
169
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THEY SQUEAL
170
00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:36,739
Hm!
171
00:08:36,740 --> 00:08:38,659
This is Fearne Polyester,
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00:08:38,660 --> 00:08:41,579
sitting in a load of rotten dead pigs and cake
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00:08:41,580 --> 00:08:46,499
- at the Thesmophoria Festival in Ancient Greece!
- Whoo!
174
00:08:46,500 --> 00:08:50,259
If I've just been Punk'd,
you are in so much trouble!
175
00:08:50,260 --> 00:08:53,379
- When are Kasabian on?
- Who?
176
00:08:53,380 --> 00:08:56,779
The Festival of Thesmophoria
was only open to women,
177
00:08:56,780 --> 00:08:59,259
but most Greek gatherings were only for men,
178
00:08:59,260 --> 00:09:02,860
like the Ancient Greek Olympics
and the Isthmian games.
179
00:09:05,940 --> 00:09:09,419
And you join us here in
Isthmia for this, the final race
180
00:09:09,420 --> 00:09:12,539
in this year's thrilling Isthmian Games.
181
00:09:12,540 --> 00:09:15,339
And here, about to cross
the finish line in first place,
182
00:09:15,340 --> 00:09:18,139
it looks like... Yes, it's Armando of Kos.
183
00:09:18,140 --> 00:09:21,499
Armando, congratulations. That
was a truly astonishing victory.
184
00:09:21,500 --> 00:09:22,659
Thanks.
185
00:09:22,660 --> 00:09:25,299
It was really hard work, but it's worth it
186
00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:27,899
- for such a fantastic prize.
- Of course.
187
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:29,819
And here is your prize.
188
00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:33,139
The incredible crown of celery.
189
00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:35,539
What? Celery?
190
00:09:35,540 --> 00:09:37,179
The prize is celery?
191
00:09:37,180 --> 00:09:38,699
Yes, didn't you know?
192
00:09:38,700 --> 00:09:41,099
No. I thought it was SALARY.
193
00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:44,219
A yearly wage! Cash! Dosh! Wonga!
194
00:09:44,220 --> 00:09:46,259
I'm in it for the money!
195
00:09:46,260 --> 00:09:50,619
Ah. Well, the bad news is, your
prize is, in fact, just a celery hat.
196
00:09:50,620 --> 00:09:52,219
And what's the good news?
197
00:09:52,220 --> 00:09:55,380
The good news is, I bought
this delicious Greek dip.
198
00:09:59,060 --> 00:10:01,900
Mm. Now, that is rich!
199
00:10:03,900 --> 00:10:05,620
Hm. Sorry!
200
00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:12,339
Yarrgh! We Celts were a fighting race,
201
00:10:12,340 --> 00:10:14,219
so you might be surprised to find out
202
00:10:14,220 --> 00:10:16,580
that we used to love a bit of poetry.
203
00:10:18,020 --> 00:10:21,219
The greatest king in all the land
204
00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:24,539
He ground his enemies into sand
205
00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:27,179
He reigned supreme over the Irish
206
00:10:27,180 --> 00:10:31,299
From lowly peasants To those more squirish
207
00:10:31,300 --> 00:10:34,059
But there is one doubt, if I may sew it
208
00:10:34,060 --> 00:10:36,499
He had few friends among the poets
209
00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:41,499
For his name was Aed mac Ainmuirech
210
00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:44,180
And none of them could make it rhyme.
211
00:10:45,460 --> 00:10:47,819
Brilliant! You know what?
212
00:10:47,820 --> 00:10:50,299
I was to have you killed after the poet bit,
213
00:10:50,300 --> 00:10:52,339
but you pulled it out the bag. Now...
214
00:10:52,340 --> 00:10:54,659
A piece of jewellery for your troubles.
215
00:10:54,660 --> 00:10:58,059
Anything in the room, you have but to ask.
216
00:10:58,060 --> 00:11:01,699
I like the look of that wheel
brooch on your shoulder, Sire.
217
00:11:01,700 --> 00:11:03,579
- What?
- Well, you said...
218
00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:06,979
- I could pick anything in the room.
- I didn't mean anything!
219
00:11:06,980 --> 00:11:09,539
No-one may ask for the King's brooch!
220
00:11:09,540 --> 00:11:12,779
That is the most terrible crime in all the land.
221
00:11:12,780 --> 00:11:14,939
You're banished from all Ireland.
222
00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:19,539
No, scratch that! I'm banishing
all poets from Ireland.
223
00:11:19,540 --> 00:11:21,379
Proclaim it to the Kingdom. Go on.
224
00:11:21,380 --> 00:11:23,859
From this moment, all poetry's banned.
225
00:11:23,860 --> 00:11:28,019
Banishment to all who rhyme in this land.
226
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:30,379
What? That just rhymed.
227
00:11:30,380 --> 00:11:32,379
You're a poet! Banished!
228
00:11:32,380 --> 00:11:34,539
Oh, I'd advise against that, Sire.
229
00:11:34,540 --> 00:11:36,459
Good heralds are hard to hire.
230
00:11:36,460 --> 00:11:39,139
Argh! A poet! Banished!
231
00:11:39,140 --> 00:11:41,299
Guard, arrest them all.
232
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:43,539
Who would you like me to chuck out first?
233
00:11:43,540 --> 00:11:45,619
Which did you think was the worst?
234
00:11:45,620 --> 00:11:46,859
Banished!
235
00:11:46,860 --> 00:11:49,739
Right, that's it. I'm through.
Be gone, the lot of you!
236
00:11:49,740 --> 00:11:53,019
Oh, that rhymed! Those words you just spoke.
237
00:11:53,020 --> 00:11:55,099
So they did.
238
00:11:55,100 --> 00:11:56,540
I'll get me cloak.
239
00:11:59,060 --> 00:12:02,779
It's true. That all happened in 574 AD,
240
00:12:02,780 --> 00:12:06,059
when a poet asked for the King's jewellery.
241
00:12:06,060 --> 00:12:09,859
Till St Colombus stepped
in, all poets were banned.
242
00:12:09,860 --> 00:12:14,059
But he convinced the King
to let them stay in Ire-land.
243
00:12:14,060 --> 00:12:17,099
I may be a rat, but I'm a poet at heart.
244
00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:19,659
Now, what rhymes with that?
245
00:12:19,660 --> 00:12:22,779
- Oh, I've got it - fart!
- RAT CACKLES
246
00:12:22,780 --> 00:12:26,099
Most immature, aren't I? I do apologise.
247
00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:28,739
Anyway, those Celts, they loved a good rhyme
248
00:12:28,740 --> 00:12:31,659
but they also loved a good boast.
249
00:12:31,660 --> 00:12:33,499
- ALL:
- Yeah!
250
00:12:33,500 --> 00:12:36,859
100 Roman soldiers lay dead on the beach.
251
00:12:36,860 --> 00:12:38,259
Who'd slain them?
252
00:12:38,260 --> 00:12:41,339
I am the greatest warrior who has ever lived.
253
00:12:41,340 --> 00:12:43,019
- ALL:
- Yeah!
254
00:12:43,020 --> 00:12:47,459
Warriors! Hey, how's it going?
I bring tidings of great victory.
255
00:12:47,460 --> 00:12:50,820
Surely there is no warrior
in the land who can match me, huh?
256
00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:57,419
I am the most fearsome warrior
to walk the lands of the living.
257
00:12:57,420 --> 00:12:59,419
So, I think we've got a problem.
258
00:12:59,420 --> 00:13:01,939
I think there's only one way to settle this.
259
00:13:01,940 --> 00:13:03,739
- ALL:
- Boast battle!
260
00:13:03,740 --> 00:13:05,139
THEY BEATBOX
261
00:13:05,140 --> 00:13:08,099
So let's clear the air Grab a chair
262
00:13:08,100 --> 00:13:10,259
I got flare when I fight a bear
263
00:13:10,260 --> 00:13:12,619
I rip off his skin for my wife to wear
264
00:13:12,620 --> 00:13:14,979
I did it for a dare I'm you're worst nightmare
265
00:13:14,980 --> 00:13:17,059
Look close, check out my facial hair
266
00:13:17,060 --> 00:13:18,899
Relax, face facts
267
00:13:18,900 --> 00:13:21,499
A fight with you would be an anticlimax
268
00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:23,739
When you go to war You
don't take off your slacks
269
00:13:23,740 --> 00:13:26,179
Look at me, I'm tough I fight in the buff
270
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:29,099
- I could say more, but I've said enough, so...
- Boast Battle!
271
00:13:29,100 --> 00:13:31,499
- Have some grace, shut your face
- Boast Battle!
272
00:13:31,500 --> 00:13:32,979
You're well off the pace
273
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:35,299
Seems to me that you're not even skilled
274
00:13:40,500 --> 00:13:42,699
I'd stab you right now But I'm trying to chill.
275
00:13:42,700 --> 00:13:44,659
In a rage! On the rampage!
276
00:13:49,170 --> 00:13:52,729
- I've killed more men than old age, so...
- Boast Battle!
277
00:13:52,730 --> 00:13:54,969
- And I've only just begun
- Boast Battle!
278
00:13:54,970 --> 00:13:56,249
And I'm not even done
279
00:13:56,250 --> 00:13:58,449
You're just killing the enemy That's lazy
280
00:13:58,450 --> 00:14:00,769
I kill my own people I'm that crazy
281
00:14:00,770 --> 00:14:03,209
I go berserk and my eyes go glazy
282
00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:06,209
I get so mad I could stab a daisy... #
283
00:14:06,210 --> 00:14:09,329
But I won't, cos that'd be stupid.
284
00:14:09,330 --> 00:14:12,009
All right, all right, Stop! Think a while
285
00:14:12,010 --> 00:14:14,449
Look at your style, man That's vile
286
00:14:14,450 --> 00:14:16,729
You look like you've been dressed by a reptile
287
00:14:16,730 --> 00:14:18,969
You're a steaming pot, I'm dressed like a king
288
00:14:18,970 --> 00:14:21,169
I wear a torc round my
neck When I'm doing my killing
289
00:14:21,170 --> 00:14:23,329
And on my finger I'm wearing a ring
290
00:14:23,330 --> 00:14:26,009
When I said I fight nude
I wasn't counting my bling, yo
291
00:14:26,010 --> 00:14:27,889
- Boast Battle!
- Oh, and I paint myself blue
292
00:14:27,890 --> 00:14:30,169
- Boast Battle!
- That is way cooler than you
293
00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:32,569
So what's better than
you that you ought to bow?
294
00:14:32,570 --> 00:14:34,849
I'd offer to fight
you But you wouldn't know how
295
00:14:34,850 --> 00:14:37,049
Enough of the talk, yeah? Let's end this now
296
00:14:37,050 --> 00:14:39,129
I can sum it all up in just one word... #
297
00:14:39,130 --> 00:14:41,529
Ow!
298
00:14:41,530 --> 00:14:43,090
Mum!
299
00:14:55,610 --> 00:14:59,089
Ah, there! Stonehenge is finally finished.
300
00:14:59,090 --> 00:15:01,969
- What do you think, boss?
- It is quite breathtaking.
301
00:15:01,970 --> 00:15:04,529
A monument to truly delight our Gods.
302
00:15:04,530 --> 00:15:06,889
It will be centuries before
anyone manages to build
303
00:15:06,890 --> 00:15:08,610
a more impressive structure.
304
00:15:12,930 --> 00:15:14,529
There!
305
00:15:14,530 --> 00:15:17,209
The pyramid is finally finished. Oh!
306
00:15:17,210 --> 00:15:21,569
- What do you think, boss, huh?
- Ye-eah. It's all right, I suppose.
307
00:15:21,570 --> 00:15:24,409
Not sure our Gods will be overly impressed by it,
308
00:15:24,410 --> 00:15:27,009
but it'll do, I guess.
309
00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:30,129
I've absolutely no idea
how you managed to get that stone
310
00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:33,809
five metres up on top of the other one.
What a feat of engineering!
311
00:15:33,810 --> 00:15:36,289
Actually, that stone near the top,
312
00:15:36,290 --> 00:15:39,809
about 135 metres up on top
of the 2 million other ones,
313
00:15:39,810 --> 00:15:44,089
I don't think it's perfectly
mathematically aligned.
314
00:15:44,090 --> 00:15:46,250
- I shall have myself flogged.
- Good.
315
00:15:48,090 --> 00:15:51,209
It's true! Stonehenge
and the Great Pyramids of Giza
316
00:15:51,210 --> 00:15:53,449
were built at about the same time.
317
00:15:53,450 --> 00:15:57,049
It's thought the enormous
pyramid was built as a burial tomb
318
00:15:57,050 --> 00:15:59,129
for the Egyptian Pharaoh, Cheops.
319
00:15:59,130 --> 00:16:02,889
Yeah. Me, I'll be lucky if
I get buried in a tin can. Hee!
320
00:16:02,890 --> 00:16:06,489
But it's anyone's guess
what Stonehenge was built for.
321
00:16:06,490 --> 00:16:09,449
Lots of things in history
are actually a mystery
322
00:16:09,450 --> 00:16:12,489
The truth's not always in the books you read
323
00:16:12,490 --> 00:16:15,449
Facts can get distorted or even mis-reported
324
00:16:15,450 --> 00:16:18,569
Imagine if that was all down to me
325
00:16:18,570 --> 00:16:20,609
Cliff White Lies! #
326
00:16:20,610 --> 00:16:23,129
- It's Whiteley!
- Sorry.
327
00:16:23,130 --> 00:16:25,929
Yeah, yeah. So, it's a yes to Wellington boots,
328
00:16:25,930 --> 00:16:28,769
but a no to Napoleon flip-flops.
329
00:16:28,770 --> 00:16:30,449
Done!
330
00:16:30,450 --> 00:16:31,500
Wallop!
331
00:16:32,650 --> 00:16:35,369
Cliff, I've got an early
man in reception for you.
332
00:16:35,370 --> 00:16:37,929
Well, if he's early, tell him he'll have to wait.
333
00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:42,089
- No, no. He's an early man. He's from the Stone Age.
- Oh, right, yeah.
334
00:16:42,090 --> 00:16:43,690
Show him in please, Sue.
335
00:16:44,850 --> 00:16:47,449
Mr Man! Cliff Whiteley.
336
00:16:47,450 --> 00:16:49,569
Telling it how it wasn't.
337
00:16:49,570 --> 00:16:51,210
Please, take a chair.
338
00:16:52,570 --> 00:16:54,809
Oh, right. It's like a stone,
339
00:16:54,810 --> 00:16:57,769
but it's more comfortable and with a back.
340
00:16:57,770 --> 00:17:00,129
Oh, that is... That is nice!
341
00:17:00,130 --> 00:17:02,609
So, what can I didgeridoo for you, pal?
342
00:17:02,610 --> 00:17:05,409
- Well, it's about Stonehenge, Cliff.
- Love the place!
343
00:17:05,410 --> 00:17:07,529
Favourite henge, hands down.
344
00:17:07,530 --> 00:17:09,849
Got a piccie on the wall and everything.
345
00:17:09,850 --> 00:17:13,289
- There seems to be some confusion about what it's for.
- Yeah.
346
00:17:13,290 --> 00:17:16,849
Now, don't take this the wrong
way, me old Stone Age mucker,
347
00:17:16,850 --> 00:17:18,449
but at the end of the day,
348
00:17:18,450 --> 00:17:21,929
it's just a bunch of
5,000-year-old stones, innit?
349
00:17:21,930 --> 00:17:25,449
No-one would be interested
if we couldn't argue about it,
350
00:17:25,450 --> 00:17:30,169
so I cooked up a few ridiculous
theories over the years
351
00:17:30,170 --> 00:17:33,009
and now, your rock garden
has gone down in history.
352
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:35,209
Oh, yeah. Back in the Middle Ages,
353
00:17:35,210 --> 00:17:38,129
I had Geoffrey of Monmouth
claim that it was built
354
00:17:38,130 --> 00:17:40,689
on a mountain in Ireland by giants.
355
00:17:40,690 --> 00:17:45,009
- What?
- And then magicked over to England by Merlin the Wizard.
356
00:17:45,010 --> 00:17:46,409
That's nonsense.
357
00:17:46,410 --> 00:17:48,049
We built it where it is now.
358
00:17:48,050 --> 00:17:51,369
- We hauled all the rocks over from Wales.
- Don't matter, mate!
359
00:17:51,370 --> 00:17:55,089
Don't matter! It stirs up
an interest, see what I mean?
360
00:17:55,090 --> 00:17:58,209
Over the years, I've had historians
suggest it was an 'ouse,
361
00:17:58,210 --> 00:18:01,009
a concert hall, a Roman temple...
362
00:18:01,010 --> 00:18:05,369
Hey, we even spread it about
that it was built by aliens.
363
00:18:05,370 --> 00:18:08,649
- People believe this rubbish?
- People believe anything you tell them.
364
00:18:08,650 --> 00:18:11,089
Don't eat that, it's made of woodlice.
365
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,329
CLIFF LAUGHS
366
00:18:12,330 --> 00:18:14,809
- See what I mean?
- Oh, I see!
367
00:18:14,810 --> 00:18:16,529
Why not tell people the truth?
368
00:18:16,530 --> 00:18:18,129
Stop all this messing around.
369
00:18:18,130 --> 00:18:21,009
Well, that's cos, um, I...
370
00:18:21,010 --> 00:18:22,609
- can't remember.
- So, hang on.
371
00:18:22,610 --> 00:18:25,609
You invented these wild theories about Stonehenge
372
00:18:25,610 --> 00:18:27,649
and you don't even know what it's for?
373
00:18:27,650 --> 00:18:31,810
I wouldn't quite put it like that.
I... Yeah, basically.
374
00:18:34,010 --> 00:18:35,810
- Come on, I'll tell you.
- Really?
375
00:18:37,490 --> 00:18:39,009
HE WHISPERS
376
00:18:39,010 --> 00:18:41,569
Whoa! No!
377
00:18:41,570 --> 00:18:44,530
And what did you do with all the jelly?
378
00:18:46,290 --> 00:18:49,010
Waaa-llop!
379
00:18:55,130 --> 00:18:57,729
And now, an advertising intermission
380
00:18:57,730 --> 00:18:59,370
from Ancient Mexico.
381
00:19:01,610 --> 00:19:04,409
'Is your padded armour past its best?
382
00:19:04,410 --> 00:19:09,009
'Do you need a new set, but don't
have any needles or thread or cloth?
383
00:19:09,010 --> 00:19:11,370
'Then help is at hand, with the new...
384
00:19:13,010 --> 00:19:14,330
'It's a cactus!
385
00:19:14,331 --> 00:19:18,249
'Yes, that's right. You
can make needles from the spines,
386
00:19:18,250 --> 00:19:20,409
'and thread and cloth from the skin.
387
00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:24,209
'Plus, if you don't like the colour,
you can use the cactus to make dye.
388
00:19:24,210 --> 00:19:25,770
'That's the new...
389
00:19:27,130 --> 00:19:29,530
'Available in one not-easy-to-carry pack.
390
00:19:35,610 --> 00:19:38,009
'Are you starving hungry,
391
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:41,329
'but don't have anything
to eat or anything to cook it on?
392
00:19:41,330 --> 00:19:43,610
'Then help is at hand, with the new...
393
00:19:45,410 --> 00:19:47,329
'It's a cactus!
394
00:19:47,330 --> 00:19:51,089
'Yes, that's right. Stewed cactus is delicious.
395
00:19:51,090 --> 00:19:55,489
'And to cook it, just use some more cactus.
396
00:19:55,490 --> 00:19:57,809
'If you need something to wash down your meal,
397
00:19:57,810 --> 00:19:59,729
'why not try some cactus wine?
398
00:19:59,730 --> 00:20:02,169
'That's the new...
399
00:20:02,170 --> 00:20:04,050
'with free toothpicks.
400
00:20:09,050 --> 00:20:10,889
'Do you have a hole in the roof?
401
00:20:10,890 --> 00:20:13,410
'Then help is at hand, with the new...
402
00:20:15,410 --> 00:20:17,329
'Bet you thought I'd say cactus.
403
00:20:17,330 --> 00:20:19,570
'Well, you're right! It's a cactus!
404
00:20:20,770 --> 00:20:23,169
'Just dry out some cactus to use as roof tiles,
405
00:20:23,170 --> 00:20:26,729
'then pulp more cactus to
make a glue to stick them down.
406
00:20:26,730 --> 00:20:29,569
'There's nothing you can't do with a cactus...
407
00:20:29,570 --> 00:20:31,210
'apart from use it as a seat.'
408
00:20:35,210 --> 00:20:37,769
Say, have you tried this new Aztec chewing gum?
409
00:20:37,770 --> 00:20:39,890
- No, but I'd love to.
- Then do!
410
00:20:42,490 --> 00:20:46,529
Hey! This chewing gum is great. What's it called?
411
00:20:46,530 --> 00:20:48,849
- Chuckle.
- Chuckle? - That's right, chuckle.
412
00:20:48,850 --> 00:20:51,369
Made from the sticky resin of the sapodilla tree.
413
00:20:51,370 --> 00:20:54,769
- Tree, seriously? You're making me eat tree?
- That's right!
414
00:20:54,770 --> 00:20:57,689
Chuckle Chewing Gum is made
from tree resin, mixed with tar
415
00:20:57,690 --> 00:20:59,249
- and crushed insects.
- Oh!
416
00:20:59,250 --> 00:21:02,050
That's OK, then. I like crushed insects.
417
00:21:03,290 --> 00:21:05,849
Chuckle resin Chuckle, chuckle resin
418
00:21:05,850 --> 00:21:08,409
Chuckle resin Chuckle, chuckle resin. #
419
00:21:08,410 --> 00:21:12,369
- Chew me.
- Chew you. - Chew me.
420
00:21:12,370 --> 00:21:13,929
Chuckle resin
421
00:21:13,930 --> 00:21:15,289
Chuckle, chuckle resin. #
422
00:21:15,290 --> 00:21:17,969
And it also works as a glue!
423
00:21:17,970 --> 00:21:19,609
Keep smiling!
424
00:21:19,610 --> 00:21:22,329
I will. I can't move my mouth.
425
00:21:22,330 --> 00:21:24,329
- Seriously?
- Yeah, seriously.
426
00:21:24,330 --> 00:21:25,649
Chuckle resin
427
00:21:25,650 --> 00:21:27,250
Chuckle, chuckle resin. #
428
00:21:48,730 --> 00:21:50,249
The answer is...
429
00:21:50,250 --> 00:21:53,890
"C", but those were actually
all Stuart punishments.
430
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:02,480
I'll be up in a minute!
431
00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:06,279
Hello, and welcome to Horrible Points of View.
432
00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:10,559
We start with a whole bag full
of letters from a Mr Stuart Era.
433
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:13,519
He's certainly been busy! What's that?
434
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:15,439
Oh, now I feel stupid.
435
00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:17,759
It's THE Stuart Era. The Stuart Era.
436
00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:05,959
Not everyone in the Stuart
Era seems to have been happy
437
00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:09,759
about travelling actors performing
in the marketplace at York.
438
00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:11,599
Here's what one man thought.
439
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,599
All plays be sinful.
440
00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:15,479
Sinful, I tell thee.
441
00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:19,719
Damned be all those who perform
this heathen entertainment.
442
00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:22,519
That from Mr Fightthegoodfightoffaith.
443
00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:25,799
I'm guessing he's a Puritan.
They're not so into fun.
444
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:27,319
He went on to say...
445
00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:29,399
Although I thoroughly enjoyed the bit
446
00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:32,319
where they were put in the
stocks for being travelling actors
447
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:34,640
and whipped to within an inch of lives.
448
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:38,399
Did I just say I enjoyed it?
449
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:41,240
Having fun is sinful. I must be punished.
450
00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:47,439
I think that's enough Stuarts.
451
00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:50,799
Next time, the mailbag's
from the Egyptian period.
452
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:52,480
See you, then.
453
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:57,519
That doesn't make any sense to me.
Can you read that?
454
00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:01,199
Yes, punishments were extreme in Stuart times,
455
00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:03,879
so you wouldn't have wanted
to be in Colonel Blood's shoes
456
00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:06,959
when he got caught for the
most daring crime of his day -
457
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:10,119
trying to steal the Crown
Jewels from the Tower of London.
458
00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:11,520
Oh, I can't look!
459
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:20,159
- Good morning, your Majesty.
- Not so loud, Sotheby, please.
460
00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:23,719
I had a rather major
un-birthday party last night.
461
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:25,839
Anyway, what's in the diary for today?
462
00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:27,599
Well, Sire... Ahem!
463
00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:31,119
I'm pleased to report the man
who tried to steal the Crown Jewels
464
00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:34,559
was caught. You might
like to sentence him yourself.
465
00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:36,439
You mean I get to play judge?
466
00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:40,559
- Sounds like fun. Do I get a wig?
- You already have a wig, your Majesty.
467
00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:42,159
So I have.
468
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,919
- Send him in.
- Bring in the prisoner!
469
00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:47,119
Are you Colonel Thomas Blood?
470
00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:48,919
Indeed I am, Sir.
471
00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:52,039
The proud mastermind behind
a crime of such dastardly daring
472
00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:53,679
as to truly befit a King.
473
00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:57,639
Ooh, he's very impressive.
You're very impressive, aren't you?
474
00:24:57,640 --> 00:24:59,639
- Thank you, your Majesty.
- Don't forget,
475
00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:02,079
he's also a violent criminal, your Majesty.
476
00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:06,199
He tried to steal the Crown
Jewels from the Tower of London.
477
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:08,039
And a gallant attempt it was too.
478
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:11,119
The perfect crime, in all but one detail.
479
00:25:11,120 --> 00:25:12,639
- Which is?
- It didn't work.
480
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:14,319
How so? What happened?
481
00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:16,799
We managed to subdue
the Master of the Jewel House
482
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:19,479
- without a problem.
- By subdue, you mean...?
483
00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:23,239
- Hit him on the head with a mallet.
- Ah yes, that'll do it! - Indeed.
484
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:26,359
And then, we grabbed the jewels,
hid them beneath our clothes
485
00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:27,799
and made for our escape.
486
00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:30,479
However, it turns out that
the Master of the Jewel House
487
00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:33,039
was not adequately subdued.
488
00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:35,279
- Meaning?
- We didn't hit him hard enough.
489
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:37,799
He started screaming "Treason, treason!"
490
00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:39,679
Within minutes, we were captured.
491
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:42,199
Wow, how exciting!
492
00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:43,999
But, tell me, how did you hide
493
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:46,639
the entire Crown Jewels underneath your clothing?
494
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:49,279
We had to make a few alterations.
495
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:50,719
Alterations?
496
00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:54,079
Well, that's the Crown there,
497
00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:55,319
for example.
498
00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:58,039
Had to flatten that out a bit with a mallet!
499
00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:00,519
Here's the Sceptre and the Cross.
500
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:02,119
That's the other half there.
501
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:05,439
Had to cut that in two to
get it in the bag, you follow?
502
00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:07,600
And the Sovereign Orb is, er...
503
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,359
It's a little bit dented.
504
00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:13,159
Probably a little bit sweaty.
505
00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:15,999
You've destroyed my Crown Jewels!
506
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:18,039
That's punishable by death.
507
00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:21,279
They're worth over 100,000!
508
00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:23,679
Well? What do you have to say for yourself, man?
509
00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:27,160
Er, I'll give you 6,000
for the lot, not a penny more.
510
00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:32,439
HE TITTERS
511
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:35,399
HE LAUGHS
512
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:38,679
Oh, how can you stay mad
at someone who's so funny!
513
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:40,239
In fact,
514
00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:42,919
- (I think we should let him off!)
- W-what?
515
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:46,639
Well, he's a character,
isn't he? He's a lovable rogue.
516
00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:48,599
Yes, I'm going to let you off...
517
00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:51,079
Oh, thank you, your Majesty.
518
00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:54,639
..and give you your own estate in Ireland.
519
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:56,519
- What?
- Yes, a nice big one.
520
00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:58,079
And what else? Ooh!
521
00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:00,479
You must come round to the Palace for tea.
522
00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:04,039
- Your Majesty!
- You can regale us with your funny stories.
523
00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:07,679
I've got a fantastic one about
the time I was plotting to kill you!
524
00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:10,319
Did you succeed? No, no, no! Don't tell me.
525
00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:13,639
I'll wait until you come round. See you soon!
526
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:15,119
Not if I see you first!
527
00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:17,999
Oh, he's got it! I don't know what it is,
528
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:20,719
- but he's got it. I love him.
- Your majesty,
529
00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:23,599
Do you think it's a good idea
to give large country estates
530
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:27,320
- to people purely because they make you laugh?
- I don't see why not.
531
00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:33,399
- Knock, knock.
- Not going to work, Sothers.
532
00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:36,439
- Not going to work.
- Oh.
533
00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:37,799
Tall tales, atrocious acts,
534
00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:39,679
We gave you all the fearsome facts... #
535
00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:41,439
Psst! Can you keep a secret?
536
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:44,879
Me neither. I've found some
great games in the time sewers.
537
00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:47,839
Want to come and play?
Then go to the CBBC website
538
00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:51,479
and click on Horrible Histories. See you there!
539
00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:55,080
Horrible Histories. #
540
00:27:55,130 --> 00:27:59,680
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