Original subtitles

Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

Horrible Histories. #

Once upon a time a loving king married a beautiful queen

and they lived happily ever after.

Unfortunately this isn't that story.

It's the story of Philip II of Spain and Mary I of England.

Mm, if I married the Queen of England,

I'll rule the two greatest powers in the world,

the Spain and England.

Great plan, Sire. Though I should warn you

I have seen the Queen of England in an oil painting,

and she's no oil painting.

I don't care what she looks like, it's the power I'm after.

Oh, aren't I bad!

It was to be the happiest day of their lives.

We are gathered here today

to join this Queen and this King in holy matrimony.

Oh, happy day.

Time out.

Your Majesty, remember the plan!

If you marry Mary, you could be the most powerful man in the world.

But look at the state of her! Hang on.

I suppose I could marry her then run back to Spain,

then I'd have all the power and never have to see her again.

Ooh, I'm so bad! Go on, you can boo if you like.

Right, I'm back.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

How about a kiss?

Why not?

I'm off.

Has anyone got any matches? I fancy burning some Protestants.

All right, how's it going?

Oh, my life, is that the time? Later.

Sire, your wife is dead.

Oh, that is a weight off.

Seriously, shall we have a party?

It's too soon. Ooh! I can go to England now and claim the kingdom.

There is a slight problem with that.

Because you'd hardly ever been there and you're Catholic and foreign,

they decided to give the crown to your wife's sister.

Oh, the cheek of it.

If I marry the new Queen of England,

I'll rule the two greatest powers in the world, Spain and England.

Ooh! Aren't I bad?

Philip did propose to Mary's half sister Queen Elizabeth I,

but she turned him down.

I'm not sure he would have found her that much more attractive.

As a famous monarch I'm always being asked

how I keep my teeth looking so bright, white and healthy.

Truly, you have the most beautiful teeth in the land, your majesty.

I know. And it's thanks to all new Tudor Sugar-Paste toothpaste.

The sugary paste in all- new Tudor Sugar-Paste toothpaste

is made up of sugar in a paste.

Just rub the sugary paste all over your teeth and gums

and watch all that sugary goodness get to work.

Yes, use all new Tudor Sugar- Paste toothpaste on your teeth

and you too could have teeth just like Queen Elizabeth's!

And the best thing is, sugar is so expensive in Tudor times,

that only posh people can afford it.

Plus, buy all-new Tudor Sugar-Paste toothpaste now

and get this sugar mouth wash absolutely free.

For sugary rotten teeth that say "I'm stinking rich."

I'm stinking rich.

Argh! When you spend months at sea like us pirates,

you can't be too picky about what you eat now.

Four eager chefs, four historical eras.

But just one prize. Who will be crowned Historical Masterchef?

I like eating nice food.

And so do I. Ha ha ha!

One-eyed Bart became cook onboard pirate vessel

the Black Pig after he lost his arm.

He could no longer climb the rigging or fight in battles.

I like to think of it as not so much losing a hand as gaining a utensil.

Ha ha haaa!

- Lost it to a cutlass, so I did. - What about your eye?

Oh, no, that was my fault. I got an itch in it and forgot about the hand.

Ha ha ha ha!

For his first course, Bart has prepared a traditional pirate soup.

Well, the no-frills presentation is certainly original.

What sort of meat is it exactly?

It's turtle.

- Can't eat turtle! - Oh, sure you can, man.

They're the best type of food for a long voyage.

You flip them on to their backs so they can't, you know, scamper away

- and then you got all the fresh meat you want. - But aren't they endangered?

They are when I'm around. Argh-haha!

For his main course, Bart has prepared a spicy pirate stew.

It's called salmagundi. Dig in, fellas, dig in.

- Unusual taste combination. - What's in it?

You got your pork, chicken, duck, pigeon,

er, your whale, your seagull, your dolphin.

I wondered where he'd got to.

Yeah, we just keep the stew boiling away throughout the voyage

and throw in any meat we lay our hands on.

Do you mean to tell me that some of the meat in there

- has been stewing away for weeks? - No, no. Months.

- John, get me some water to get the taste out. - Can we get some water?

- TRICKLING - What are you doing?

Bart, what are you doing? Oh, that's happened.

Well, when you run out of water on a pirate ship, it's drink wee or die.

Mind you, some of me shipmates drank wee and died.

And some went mad. Hurrgh! Not me though, no.

I'm not going to drink your wee, mate.

Does this mean I've not got through? JOHN CHUCKLES

Bart, not in a million, billion years have you got...

Congratulations, you are through to the next round. Well done, mate.

That's wonderful news!

Cheers! Mmm...

HE GROANS

Tchuh! You'd have to be pretty hungry to eat a rat. Ow!

Unless, of course...ow! ..you were a flea. Ow! Stop it, Marcus.

As well as some strange eating habits,

pirates had some truly bizarre superstitions.

Ow! Enough already! Huhhh!

Pirate weather forecast with Captain Saltybeard.

Ahoy my hearties, and welcome to the pirate weather forecast,

predicting the weather using the very latest pirate superstitions.

Arrr! Now a black cat was seen on a boat today,

so tomorrow should be dry and sunny.

Unless some scurvy land-lubbing knave has thrown that black cat

out of the ship, in which case there will be wind and rain.

Though not if you can see an albatross!

Because if you can, it'll be lovely and sunny.

Unless some weevil-eyed bilge for brain shoots it out of the sky!

As that'll cause thunder and lightning

and hail stones, which could make for a bit of a rough voyage.

You'll be as sick as a parrot! As was my parrot.

Looking ahead for the rest of the week,

if you're sailing on Friday, don't.

That's unlucky, it's when evil witches gather!

And remember, if you're out on the high seas,

then do please watch out for pirates.

Cos we're coming to get ya! Good night.

Some of the things poor Victorians did for money

were pretty horrible to say the least. Good day.

MUSIC: EASTENDERS THEME

Oh! You're home early, how was your day at work?

Yeah, not bad, Mummy. Mustn't grumble, mustn't grumble.

It smells like you collected enough dog poo for the leather tanner.

Yeah, and then the boss told me to stir all the poo in the tub.

Oh, you're moving up in the world!

Before you know it, he'll be paying you as well.

- Cor, imagine! - Hello kids! Oh, there she is! Come here, you.

Father, really! I've only just washed this outfit today.

All right, sorry. Though tonight we have something to celebrate.

Feast your mince pies on this.

It's a handful of poo.

Well, yeah. But look closer and...

- Wow, a penny! - Oh, ain't you clever!

Your old man has been out toshing.

There I was traipsing my way through mile after mile of poo-filled sewer,

looking for coins that had been dropped by the posh,

when suddenly there it was, glinting away at me in the darkness.

- Woah! - Well, after that hard day's work, what you both need

is a nice hot bath.

Oh, that's what I love about you, Mother, your sense of humour!

- As if we have hot water. - Or a bath. Ha ha ha!

Oh, and that's not the only good news.

I've only gone and got myself an evening job, as a night soilman.

- Cor! - From now on, your old man's going to spend his evenings

collecting buckets of poo from other people's outside lavvies.

Oh, and to think my father said you'd never amount to anything!

Come here. BABY CRIES

Oh, hey up.

Think her nappy needs changing. I think it must be your turn.

No, no way. That is disgusting.

The practice of toshing for coins was only possible after 1865

when Joseph Bazalgette invented the London sewer system,

or as I like to call it, home.

Before then, living conditions were even more unhealthy.

Fortunately Victorian medicine was highly sophisticated.

Yeah, right(!)

Don't worry, Jenny. I've called an ambulance,

they'll be here any minute.

- Make way, make way, make way! - Historical paramedics.

- You're paramedics? - Better. We're historical paramedics.

- From Victorian England. God save the Queen! - God save the Queen!

Now what appears to be the ailment?

It's my sister, we were coming back from town

and she has these terrible stomach pains.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- That top hats are fabulous? - No. They are.

I'm thinking that this lady has tapeworm.

I concur. Nigel, fetch me our sharpest blade.

- You need to operate? - No. I simply need to cut up this bacon,

and fry it in close proximity to the patient.

The smell should tempt the tapeworm out of her stomach

because it wants to eat the bacon, thus curing her.

- And does this bacon cure work? - Infrequently.

- How infrequently? - Never. - Jeff, look!

- She has some inflammation, it looks like a boil. - I concur.

- Nigel, apply the warm porridge. - No, she's always had that.

A wart, then. Nigel, this lady, this women,

is riddled with warts. Bury some string in the ground immediately.

- It's not a wart, it's a birth mark! - Is it?

Hang on, I hear wheezing and congestion.

- She's got a cold. - BOTH: - A cold?!

- Nigel, fetch me a sock. - A sock?

Don't worry, sir. A sweaty sock tied about the throat

is thought to be the best cure for even the most persistent of colds.

And that one is really sweaty.

- I only change them once a week in case they're needed. - Sugar. - Treacle.

That's an excellent cure for a cough.

Mixed, of course, with beer, rum and vinegar.

- Open up. - Get it down you, girl. In there.

- What about the stomach pains? - SHOUTS: Does your tummy still hurt?

- Oh, looks like ear ache. - Nigel, fetch me a potato.

What potato?

The topical application of a potato makes an excellent cure for ear ache.

There we are, right as rain.

No need to thank us, sir. Your smile is thanks enough.

SIREN WAILS A proper ambulance!

- Soon they will be upon us, we must flee. - Run away!

- Run away. - Hop away.

Oh, no!

Those historical ones have been here again. Jane, bring some sponges.

Oh, and maybe a pan. I think there's some bacon going.

This is Stone Age Dragon's Den.

It's about 1.5 million years ago

and an early homo sapien thinks his amazing new invention

might interest the Dragons.

Hello Dragon, me name Ugg.

Me present this.

- Oh, not again. - How many times...

we already have stone, it's Stone Age. Me out.

- Me out. - No, no, wait.

Looky, watch.

Ugg's running out of time to impress the Dragons.

Can his new use of stone win them over?

Heh, heh... me call it fire.

- Oh. - Fire! - Fire!

ALL: Fire!

It looks like the Dragons have declared themselves out.

Aaahh!

Oh, me invent burnt finger.

What we call the Stone Age actually covers lots of different sub-eras.

There's the Palaeolithic, the Mesolithic, the Neolithic.

It's quite complicated, what's the best way of explaining it?

Oh, I know, a song!

I'm sure you've heard the Stone Age occurred

For 2.5 million years

But there's more of Stone Age to engage

Than maybe it first appears

Dinosaurs, Neanderthals, let's make this clearer

Didn't live together, came from different eras

That's not all I can tell ya so much more to be known

About the many phases in the ages of Stone

Shooby dooby do wah, it's all the rage

To skiddly-bup do wah Brush up on you Stone Age, oh, yeah

All right

It's fine to define an era Palaeolithic

But you're gonna have to be a little more specific

Do you mean lower when ancient beings first used tools

Or Middle Palaeolithic when Neanderthal ruled

That's when homo sapien starts to emerge

But just in Africa, it's long before the global surge

Not till Upper Palaeolithic 40,000 years ago

Did Neanderthal and homo sapiens say hello

Neanderthal and homo sapi

Living in cave man harmony

Language was invented, cave painting art

Then Palaeolithic ended which meant the start

Of phase two-be-doobu-do-wop Turn a new page

Skiddly bup doo wah Bug up on the Stone Age

Oh yeah All right

This is where it starts to get all scientific

Palaeolithic's followed by the era Mesolithic

Then Neanderthals are wiped out by the Ice Age horrific

After which the Neolithic age was terrific

Man learned to farm, build homes so they could settle

Then some other folks turned up and they discovered metal

Bigger men from Europe found bronze and outgrown

The simple and traditional ways of stone

Bronze age was invented By now man was flying

Cos hot on its heels came the age of iron

Celts, druids, religion then Rome

By now a distance memory, those ages of stone

Shooby dooby do wah Since that metallic stage

Skiddly bup do wah There was no more Stone Age

Shooby dooby do wah Now you know what is known

About the many phases of the ages of stone

Yeah... All right! #

Welcome back to Stone Age Dragon's Den.

It's nearly a million and a half years later.

Not much has been invented since fire,

but Stone Age man has had a sudden burst of creativity.

It's time for Arg to enter the den.

Hello, Dragons.

Me name Arg.

Me invent this, right.

- What is? - It change world. OK? It wheel, you wheel things, right?

What wrong with drag things? No! Me out.

Have you invented anything useful? I'm a busy man.

Arg has one last chance to impress the Dragons.

Me also invent this, right?

- What is? - Is beer. Me make from barley.

It grown-up drink. Not for kids.

It make me feel very dizzy.

Argh! Me invent big headache.

- SLURS: - We give you plenty money.

- Yes! - Light weights.

Arg's beer has made a big impact,

and for the first time in the den all the Dragons are in.

Now all Arg needs to invent is a cure for the headache.

Welcome back to HHTV Sport,

bringing you live sporting events direct from the past.

Today we've got exclusive coverage of the Olympics from ancient Greece,

so let's go over to our commentary team in the year 400BC.

Good afternoon, welcome to this afternoon's coverage.

We're all set for the finals of the sprint

which should be taking place in a couple of minutes.

The athletes are naked... They're naked.

The athletes are actually naked! Ha ha ha ha...

- They're not ready, they're not ready. - No, we are ready, we run naked.

- Over to you, Tanni. - It's how we run, man, it's an ancient Greek thing.

OK! Over to you, Tanni, with the women's events please.

Hi, I'll be covering all the women's events of these Olympics.

Oh, erm...I'm just hearing there are no women's events.

Women aren't allowed to take part at these Olympic games.

Apparently they're not even allowed to watch!

I guess it's an ancient Greek thing. Back to the studio.

Right. Well, while we wait for something we can actually cover,

let's just catch up with the Olympic medal table so far.

Greece doing pretty well there, as you'd expect,

no-one else is competing.

So Greece top of the table there and indeed bottom.

Speaking of bottoms, let's go back to John.

Hello again. I'm pleased to say I'm standing with

the fully clothed Euphemius.

Er, shouldn't you be getting ready? You're on in a minute.

I am ready. This is how we race.

I thought you guys ran in the nude.

No, no, no. This race is the hoplomachi.

We run the whole thing in full armour,

show off our military prowess.

But it's just a running race. Why do you need a shield?

It's an ancient Greek thing.

When you're this close to the javelin area, it comes in handy.

Over to you, Richard.

Thank you, John. I'm here for an update on the pankration.

So what is that, I hear you ask?

It's two men fighting, only with no gloves and even fewer rules.

Here to tell me all about it is the winner, Krugas.

I'm Daxemonos, the loser. Erm, that's Krugas, he's the winner.

Ah! Isn't he, erm...well, dead?

Yes. See, in pankration, you're not supposed to kill your opponent.

I did, and, er... so I got disqualified.

So technically Krugas is the winner.

Don't tell me, it's an ancient Greek thing.

So why don't you talk us through it?

Well, thing is, I've got pretty sharp nails on my hand.

When I hit him in the stomach I sort of pulled his guts out.

Coming up next... my lunch.

- Back to the studio. - You all right, mate?

"Be careful" would have been good advice for this Greek sportsman.

Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

They're funny cos they're true

Woo! Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

Hope next time it's not you! Ha-hee.

Yes! Finished my Sudoku. I'm a genius.

Er, yes, well, it did take me eight hours.

You couldn't just let me have my moment of glory, could you?

Hmm? Had to undermine me.

Next!

Hello, looks like we've caught a big one. And you are?

Milo of Croton, six times Olympic wrestling champion

and famous all-round strongman if you can believe that.

And what do you do?

One time I picked up and carried a fully grown bull on my shoulders.

Oh, very impressive. But can you finish a Sudoku?

Thought not.

I could pick you all up and carry you in one hand though.

Well, that's a very generous offer but perhaps some other time.

Right then, come on, let's hear it.

You know, the stupid death.

As in the jingle... # Stupid death, stupid death... #

Oh, the thing, yeah. Well, I was walking through a forest one day,

and I came across this, this big tree trunk

with this split down the middle.

- Yes. - I can't resist an opportunity to show off

my tremendous physical strength so I pushed my arms into the hole

to, like, pull the tree in two with my bare hands.

- Yes. - Turns out it's quite a narrow gap

and I got me arms stuck in the hole, couldn't move.

- Yes. - Long story short, I got eaten alive by wolves.

Ha ha ha ha!

You got, he got...

Argh! Ha ha! You plonker.

You spent too much time working on these muscles

- and not enough time working on this muscle. - I don't get it.

The brain and things like Sudoku...

Oh, forget it. My talents are wasted on these people, honestly!

You're through to the afterlife. ..Yeah, it's through the door there.

The door, the gap in the wall.

The thing you can move through. Go through it, go.

Honestly, ho-ho-ho... Next!

Stupid death, stupid death

Hope next time it's not you! Hoo hoo!

Everyone knows a man's best friend is his dog.

Never was this more true than for Cavalier Price Rupert.

I don't know what you call a fly without wings.

But I suggest you either put it out of its misery or call the RSPCA.

A walk?

Is this some kind of joke?

Good day to you, madam.

Prince Rupert, general in his majesty's Cavalier army,

- at your service. - Oooh!

I'm usually suspicious of you historical types,

but you seem like a proper gentleman.

- Nephew of King Charles I, no less. - How can I help you?

I would like to buy a poodle.

Oh, shouldn't be a problem. Any particular kind of poodle?

A white one that does a dance

anytime it hears the name of my uncle, King Charles I.

- He's my uncle, did I mention? - You did.

Poodles are highly intelligent so that shouldn't be a problem.

And I'd like him to cock his leg and do a little pee

every time here hears the name Pim.

Pim?

Roundhead commander, my sworn enemy.

- My old dog Boy used to be both those tricks. - And what happened to him?

I used to take him into battle with me and he sort of got shot.

Battles are no places for dogs! Out of here before I set mine on you.

And this one doesn't pee

when you say the work Pim. WATER TRICKLES

- Oh, will you look at that! - Can he dance?

That's 100% accu-rat!

Whenever someone said the word Pim, Price Rupert's poodle did a pee.

Or did his peedle do a poo? One or the other.

So we're done with the silly sketch about a dead dog. What's up next?

Hm, what's that? A sketch featuring a dead horse?

Nice.

This is the biggest day of Alodia's life.

Sadly no bridesmaid. She's a bit under the weather, plague.

She's about to get married to her fiance Dagle

who has planned the entire wedding himself,

without any input from his young bride.

Is this on straight?

But will it be a day to remember or one she'd rather forget?

Right then, let's do it.

This is Historical Don't Tell The Bride.

Alodia's parents don't approve of Dagle,

so they've refused to give her away.

So she's made her way to the church alone.

- Darling, you look wonderful. - So do you. Is everything ready?

- Absolutely. - Right then. Shall we?

- Where are you going? - Into the church to get married.

Yeah, probably should have said,

- there's been a bit of a change of plan. - What?

Without their parents' blessings,

Dagle found that a church wedding was out of the question,

so in a break from family tradition,

Dagle and Alodia are to be married...by a tramp.

Darling, this is our new priest.

- He looks like a tramp. - I am a tramp.

- He said "I am a tramp". - I heard. Why are we getting married by a tramp?

Oh, he's a priest as well, sort of!

He's just a travelling tramp one.

They call themselves stroller priests. He's really good value.

Good value? Is it even legal?

That is a very good question,

and in answer to that I'd like to say your hair looks lovely.

What? It does! I'm not...

While stroller weddings aren't recognised by law,

many young couples feel that such a ceremony in some way

cements their union in the eyes of God.

Though some elements of the stroller ceremony are a little unusual.

- What's that? - Some leaves.

- Underneath the leaves. - Oh, that?

That's a dead horse.

Why is there a dead horse at my wedding?

It's fine, it's part of the ceremony.

- Can we just get on with it please, mate? - Do you...?

- Oh, yes, I do. - What about you?

'Spose so.

- Right, shake hands over the dead horse. - What?

You heard.

There we are, very nice.

By the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife.

You can have a kiss or whatever.

One for the priest?

There. Wasn't that better than some stuffy church wedding?

- No. - Oh, come on! At least it was memorable.

Believe me, every time you look at my face, you'll remember this day.

When you put it that way!

'Scuse me, do you by any chance do stroller divorces?

Tall tales, atrocious acts, we gave you all the fearsome facts... #

Want some more Horrible Histories?

Then come with me down the time sewers.

Just go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.

See you down there!

Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories! #

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