All language subtitles for Horrible Histories s03e10 Frightful First World War.eng

Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians
Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

Woeful Wars, ferocious fights

Dingy castles, daring knights

Horrors that defy description

Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes

Punishments from ancient times

Romans - rotten, rank and ruthless

Cavemen - savage, fierce and toothless

Groovy Greeks, brainy
sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

Gory stories, we do that

And your host, a talking rat

The past is no longer a mystery

Welcome to

Horrible Histories. #

Ugh, it's freezing!

Tell me about it. I made this cup of tea

two minutes ago, and now look at it.
It's like a tea lollipop.

I think I'm getting frostbite.
I've lost all the feeling in my t-toes.

Come here, then. Let's huddle up.

Ooh! You are cold, ain't ya?

It's these th-thin uniforms.

- MAN:
- Somme Times! - Newspaper? Brilliant!

- I'll take a couple. Thanks, mate.
- Newspaper?

- I'm shaking too much to read a newspaper.
- No, it's not for reading.

You stick it up your shirt.

It's like an extra layer of insulation.
There. Any warmer?

- No.
- Oh.

When I had frostbite last year,
the doctor told me to strip off,

and then he rubbed me down
with a cloth covered in snow.

Did it help?

- No. Made it much worse, come to think of it.
- At ease, men.

Ooh, what you got there, then, sir?

- Something to warm you up.
- Oh! Is it a Lancashire hotpot?

- No, it's whale oil.
- Oh, that stinks!

- I'm not eating that.
- Don't be ridiculous.

Don't eat it. I want you
to smear it over your bodies.

- Weird.
- Army orders, lads.

Before going out on patrol in cold weather,

- each man must be stripped and coated in melted-down whale fat.
- Well,

if it keeps a whale warm...

- OK? Now, smear away.
- Oh! - That's it.

- Are you feeling any warmer?
- Not at all.

Lads, well, grab your guns,
and let's head out on patrol.

It's slippy.

- I can't...
- GUN FIRES

- MAN:
- Watch it! - Sorry.

It could get really cold in the trenches,

and there wasn't much food to eat either,

so nothing went to waste. Ha!

'Four eager chefs, four historical
eras, but just one prize.

'Who will be crowned Historical MasterChef?'

Whoever wins this competition, it will change.
..their...lives!

What...he...said!

'Ernie is a World War I soldier
who has to prepare his own meals

'from limited rations.'

Mate, mate, mate, mate, you can't do that.

That's unhygienic.

Aw, but it feels so good.

I've been stuck in those freezing
trenches for months. Months!

You can't leave these... Ugh!

Yeah, my socks are a bit
riddled with lice, I'm afraid.

- Don't worry, mate. You get used to the itching.
- Do you?

No. Still, waste not, want not, eh?

Ugh!

- The red ones are more juicy.
- Ugh!

'With Gregg deloused, it's time to find out

'what Ernie will serve up.'

OK, everyone, time's up.

Stop cooking meals of food.

Well, first up, I've made dog and maggot.

Not actual dog and maggot?

Oh, no, no, no, that's just
trench talk for bread and cheese.

- I'm following that with baby's head.
- Right, not actual babies?

No, no, not actual babies. That's
trench talk for meat pudding.

It's called that cos it
looks bit like a baby's head.

And, lastly, my piece de
resistance, messenger pigeon pie!

- Now you're talking!
- Just to double check,

not actual messenger pigeon?

Yeah, actual. Well, we
weren't sending any messages,

so waste not, want not.

Talking of which...

Not bad.

Ernie, your food was disgusting.

However, we admired your resourcefulness.

We're putting you through to the next round.

- Congratulations, mate.
- Oh, that's wonderful. Thank you.

- Ugh. What is this?
- Tea -

from stale rainwater I
scooped out a dirty shell hole.

Fla-la-la-la-la!

Does give you diarrhoea if you're not used to it.

- HE BREAKS WIND
- Ugh, I don't think

I'm going to make it!

Waste not, want not, eh?

HE BREAKS WIND Ugh, still not used to it,

still not used to it!

Ha ha ha!

Did you know, when World War
I soldiers finished off tins of jam,

they'd sometimes fill the tins with
explosives and use them as grenades?

Imagine if they lobbed the wrong one, eh?

"Agh, I'm wounded and I've been hit by a grenade!

"Oh, no, hold on, it's just jam!"

Hello, and welcome to the News At When.
When? The Saxon era,

when Britain was being shaped
by invaders from mainland Europe.

To find out more, we go over now to

Bob Hale with the Anglo-Saxon Report. Bob.

Thank you, Sam. Well, it's 400AD,

that right there is Britain,
and here comes the King,

in a bedsheet! Ha ha! No, not really.

It's a Roman emperor, because
Britain is under Roman rule,

just as it has been for more than 350 years.

But that is about to change,

because in the year 410, the unthinkable happens,

so unthinkable, in fact, that
I can't think of it. What was it now?

The Roman Empire crumbles.
The Romans leave Britain

with the line, "Don't forget to
put the cat out," something like that,

and that's when the problems start.
With the Romans gone,

the Picts from up in Scotland
decide to invade England,

so the king of the Britons,
Vortigern, hires a load of warriors

from Denmark and Germany
to help him fight the Picts.

Amongst these warriors are
Hengist and Horsa, who decide that

they like Britain so much,
they'd like to keep some of it.

Luckily, Hengist has a beautiful daughter,

so, in one of the weirdest deals in history,

he offers King Vortigern
his daughter's hand in marriage

in return for Kent - yep, Kent
- and that's just the start of it.

So, seeing how easy it is
to get your hands on English lands,

there are Danes and Germans everywhere.

Invaders from Angeln take
over the Midlands and the north.

Invaders from Saxony take
over huge chunks of the south.

Yes, England gets overrun with Angles and Saxons,

making it officially Anglo-Saxon -

and you thought we'd just made that term up!

So there we have it, England's story,
end of the line, end of the pier,

last dance, lights off, cat's out, done.
But not for long.

Under Anglo-Saxon rule, Britain changes shape,

although obviously not around the edges.
Inside, though,

it's all change as the invaders shape
their lands into seven major kingdoms

called Wessex and Essex and so on.
But it's not all plain sailing.

They can't conquer Scotland for toffee -

a shame, as Scotland's got great toffee -

while the kingdoms in the west
aren't thrilled about the neighbours.

Relations get so bad that King
Offa of Mercia, shown here in puce,

whatever that is, builds
a ditch, cutting off the west -

the border of what we call Wales.
So there we have it, Scotland, Wales,

Anglo-Saxon England all sitting
side by side in perfect harmony,

bar a little name-calling and the odd local war.

But not for long. It's 865,

and lock up your monasteries,
because here come the Vikings!

In no time, they take over
every major Anglo-Saxon kingdom

except for this one, Wessex,
home of Alfred the Great,

who clearly has a high opinion
of himself, and for good reason,

because Alfie managed to hold back the Vikings.
But not for long.

Well, it's for quite a while.

No, eventually Aethelred the Unready
becomes King and gets so sick of

the Viking attacks that he's never ready for

that he decides to kill every Viking in England,

including the King of Norway's
sister, which doesn't go down

too well with the King of Norway,
who promptly invades England,

takes Aethelred's crown and
becomes the first Viking King.

Cnut, Harthacnut, a quarter
of a Cnut - except not the last one -

until, in 1042, an Englishman
gets the throne again.

It's Edward the Confessor, hurray!
And he then goes and dies, boo!

Three people fight over who should replace him.

An Englishman, a Norman and a Viking
- sounds like a joke, but it isn't -

especially for the Englishman, Harold Godwinson,

who takes the crown and
is set upon by the other two.

While he's fighting off the Viking one here,

the Norman one, William the
Conqueror, attacks down there.

1066, the Battle of Hastings
- not only the end of Harold,

but also the end of the
Anglo-Saxon England altogether,

the end of the line, the end of the road,

the end of the world, and unless I calm down,

in the next few seconds it might
well be the end of dear old Bob.

Oh, it's too late! Agh! Ugh!

My mistake, it's just heartburn.
Back to you, Sam.

We Saxons were defeated by
Norman duke William the Conqueror.

He was a pretty ruthless character,
and he always got his own way.

'He was the vicious, arrogant Norman
duke who would one day rule England.'

Oh, really? Good, I like England!

Apart from the weather. Oh, and the food.
And the people.

She was the beautiful granddaughter
of the French king.

Grandpapa, can I have a pony?

- Yes, have 100 ponies.
- I love you, Grandpapa.

'And when William asked for her hand in marriage,

'there was only ever going to be one answer.'

No way. I'm way too posh
for that stinky Duke William.

I'm going to marry a prince or something.

'But William wouldn't take "non" for an answer.

'He set off on a journey to win
the heart of the beautiful princess.'

- Stand up.
- I am standing up.

Wow, you're very small.

Yeah, I'm, like, four foot. What do you want?

I want you to marry me.

I will never marry you.

Hmm, we'll see about that.

'Duke William used all his charm
to make Matilda fall in love with him.'

Marry me!

No!

Marry me!

No!

Marry me!

- OK!
- Great.

'Hey, whoa, whoa, now, hang on a minute.

- 'What was all that about?'
- All what?

'All that - you pulling her hair
and pushing her in the mud and stuff.'

It's just what happens. She said no,

so I pulled her hair and then
I pushed her in the mud and...

'But you can't do that.'

I know, was terrible, but actually

he turned out to be a really good husband.

Yeah, we were together 30 years.

We had 11 beautiful children.

'Yeah, but it's kind of... But I...'

- BOTH:
- What? - 'Ah, forget it. So, where were we?

'Coming soon to a cinema near
you, Mud & Matilda, a tale of loving...

- 'and shoving.'
- Oi! I already said yes!

Oh, sorry.

My bad.

'Rated unreasonable.'

Us Georgians loved a good
day out, but some of the things

we went to see could be considered very cruel.

This is Jessica Harvey-Smythe,

reporting from the hottest
ticket in Georgian England.

It's London's latest attraction,
London Bedlam, a fun day out for

all the family, and with
entrance costing just one penny,

it's a sell-out.

I can't wait to see what all the fuss is about.

And here it is, the first exhibit, and it's...

He-He's... I'm sorry, I'm confused.

- Who is he?
- Oh, I don't know. He's just a mad person.

- Don't go near him, Anne. He may bite you.
- What, this man is mad?

- Yes, he's clinically insane.
- Shouldn't he be in hospital?

- This is a hospital.
- Brilliant, isn't it?

Ah, it seems that Georgians are paying money

to go to a mental institution
to laugh at the afflicted.

He's not doing anything.
Throw something at him, Augustus.

Rubbish. Who else is there?

There's John Frith, the madman
who tried to kill George III,

James Hadfield, the madman
who tried to kill George III

and Margaret Nicholson, the madwoman
who tried to kill George III.

Seems like a lot of people
want to kill George III.

I'm not surprised if he
lets this vile practice go on.

This is Jessica Harvey-Smythe reporting from

the most unpleasant spectacle
in Georgian Britain.

- Oh, I'm bored now. Shall we go and see the public hanging?
- Oh, lovely.

Or perhaps the number two.

The answer is...

c) 96,000 visitors went along to have a look

at those less fortunate than themselves.

Georgian entertainment could be pretty strange,

as were some of the things
they thought were good for you.

'Introducing new Solomon's Water,

'the Georgian tonic for health and wellbeing,

'made from the purest spring water
- except with mercury in it. Eh?

'Crisp and clear as a mountain stream,

'apart from the poisonous metal content.
Hang on.'

I drink Solomon's Water every
day and I've never felt better.

Oh, dear, can't see,
can't hear, can't stand. Agh!

It's the mercury that lends new Solomon's Water

that unique metallic taste,

and we Georgians are pretty
sure it's good for you.

The loss of sight, hearing, balance,

sensation and, occasionally,
life are just a coincidence.

- Help!
- Probably.

'Are you sure we should be

'telling people to drink this stuff, Leonard?'

Greetings, my denizens of death.

I am Vincenzo Laughoff,

and this week's sca-ary story
is The Mystery Of Motecuhzoma!

The year was...

..a year so terrifying, I dare not speak it,

when an eerie series of strange
and unnerving events unfolded

in the distant South American capital

of Tenochtitlan.

Yes, Tenochtitlan.

And mighty Emperor Motecuhzoma had
no idea of the fate that was about to

befall him when haunting
visions began to curse his land.

First, in the ocean off the Aztec
coast, a mysterious house appeared

in the turbulent waves,
somehow moving towards the land.

Then, ghostly figures appeared
on the shoreline, pale creatures

that looked like men but acted like gods,

and, from this house of horror,

from its very bowels... PARP!

Yeah, I don't think we need a sound effect

for the word "bowels". PARP!

No, I don't want to hear
that particular sound effect

ever again, OK?

And, from this house of
horror, from its very bowels...

..unearthly monsters were unleashed,
demons with the bodies of wild deer

but the arms and heads of men,
each of them gripping a silver wand

that smashed flames, striking the Aztecs dead.

And as Motecuhzoma watched the carnage he wailed,

"What are these demonic creatures?"

Well, little did he know the chilling truth.

These unearthly creatures were not

demons or monsters nor aliens nor gods.

They were Spaniards!

What?

And the house in the sea was a Spanish galleon.

The ghostly figures were
just invading Spanish soldiers,

the flaming wands were guns
and the half deer, half men,

they were just people on horses.

Let's clear this up once and for all.

Ghosts, scary.

Vampires, scary.

Spanish blokes on horses, not scary.

You're just making me look like an idiot.

Ow! Right, either the sound girl goes or I do.

Right, fine, I'll go.

The minute I finish lunch.

Yes, to us Aztecs, the invading
Spaniards were very scary,

but the way they fought was really unfair.

'Warrior - fight your way through history.'

'Be a Spanish conquistador determined to conquer

'the tribes of Central America
and run off with their treasure.'

Spanish conquistador, selected.

'Or, be a battle-hardened Aztec warrior,

'fearless defender of a proud nation.'

Aztec warrior, selected.

'Warrior! Which warrior is mightier?'

Play begins.

Ow, ow, ow...

GUN FIRES

Play again.

Player two, Aztec reinforcements selected.

Player one, weapons cheat.

'Choose a weapon the Aztecs
have never seen before...'

- Cannon.
- Argh!

Horse.

Warning - smallpox virus outbreak.

'..and spread diseases the
Aztecs have never experienced.'

Ten million Aztecs wiped out. Game over.

'Warrior - no fear, no mercy, no immunity.'

It's true, the Aztecs didn't
stand much of a chance against

the superior Spanish weaponry,
but they stood no chance whatsoever

against the Spanish germs.

Their bodies had no defence against smallpox,

and it practically wiped the Aztecs out.
Do you know, if I'm honest, er,

I'd rather just do the funnies.

Can we not get a badger or
something to do the serious stuff?

We Romans had enemies all over Europe.

We couldn't understand what they were saying

because we didn't speak the same language.
To us, when they talk,

they just sounded like, "Bah, bah, bah,"

so we called them all barbarians,

even though there were lots of different tribes.

'In this week's Danke magazine
it's our barbarian fashion special.

'Find out what's in and what's
out for all the leading German tribes,

'like the Burgundians...'

Red hair is definitely in!

Not only is my red hair beautiful,
but it's also a sign of fierceness.

Plus keeping it long gives
me - hmm - magic powers! How sassy!

'..the Franks...'

We Franks like to shave our hair at the back

and have a fringe at the front.
Well, it's important to

look your best when you're the last thing

a Roman soldier is ever going to see.

'And grooming tips you thought
the Burgundians wouldn't tell.'

How do I keep my hair so glossy?

I put butter in it. That's why
I look good enough to eat. Ouch!

And there's more. I'll show
you how to keep your horse warm

with this designer Alan blanket,
made from the skin of your enemies.

- Mm, smells good.
- 'Wow, that sounds great. Thanks, Alan.'

No, my name is not Alan. My name is Frank.
I'm from the Alan tribe.

- 'Sorry.'
- It's OK.

And I'm Alan the Frank.

- Really?
- No, I make the joke!

Ha ha ha! My name's actually Helmut.

'All this and lots, lots more,
only in this week's Danke magazine.

The answer is a).

Emperor Honorious hid in his
country mansion with his pet chickens

when Rome finally fell.
But the invading Goths turned out

not to be as destructive as he might have feared.

Oh, come on, Lucius -

Rome will have fallen
by the time you make your move.

Rome has fallen!

- What did I just say?
- The days of the Roman Empire are finally at an end.

Now, the Goth tribes rule Rome.

Yeah! Et cetera.

Soon, we shall be tearing down
the great buildings of your empire,

filling it with crudely-built mud huts.

Yeah! Although, now that you say it out loud,

it just feels like a waste. Could
we not at least keep the Colosseum?

Yeah, I suppose we could keep that.

The aqueduct is handy for carrying

the fresh water around the city.

Yeah, I was going to say aqueduct, actually.
You know, we need

a fresh water supply. We're not animals.
Is that not right, Neil?

So, we're just tearing down the houses, then?

Of course we are, yeah!

No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait. What
is this? Er, it is stone, yeah?

- Mm.
- You know, I like it.

I have an idea. Isn't it easier just to move into

these houses rather than smash
them down and build new mud ones, yeah?

So let me get this straight, we
are only going to smash the statues?

Yeah, of course, smash them down!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You know, I like the statues,
they really hold the room together.

I tell you what, we're going to keep the arenas,

the plumbing, the fresh waterworks
of course, the houses, the statues

and anything else of artistic
and cultural significance, yeah?

Er, so what are you going
to be destroying then, exactly?

I tell you what we are
going to be destroying exactly.

Neil, the jug.

No, no, no, no, no, no,

not the big one, I like the big one.
The little one.

Whoops.

THEY LAUGH

So we're just stealing stuff?

Of course we're going to
steal stuff! But first of all...

Wow, I stink - hot sausage!

- Who's for a Roman bath?
- Yeah!

Your face!

Goth buffoons.

Still, your go, Lucius.

Agh!

In Stuart times, we had some pretty odd ways of

finding out how the human body works.

- KNOCK
- Come in.

Am I not in already?

- No, no, anything this side of the tree is in.
- Ah, fair enough.

Ah, hello there.

- You must be my new apprentice.
- Indeed, and you must be Dr Harvey.

Indeed I am, indeed I am. Welcome to my surgery.

Yes, it's, um...

It's very...

It's a field.

Indeed it is, but not just
any old field - it's a battlefield.

- What?
- Well, there is a civil war going on, you know.

In fact, I think the battle
should be starting any moment.

- BANG
- Ah, there it is.

Well, don't just stand there, get down, you fool!

What, and miss all the action?

Ha ha, no, I don't think so.

The battlefield is one of
the very best places to study

the inner workings of the human body.

- You can't be serious!
- For example, take this arm here.

See how the blood runs through it.
Woo, huh, and spurts out of it!

This entirely supports my theory
that the blood is pumped around

the body in a continuous loop,
a circulatory system if you like,

powered by the heart -
it's absolutely fascinating.

You spend the battle studying anatomy?

Oh, of course not, no.

No, most of the time, ah, I like to read.

Now then, where was I?

This is madness, I'm getting out of here.

Taking a little break, are you? Oh, good idea.

Hm, could do with a little nap myself.

Ah. Ah, hmm, no blankets, that's a shame.

Oh, that's much better, yes, nice and warm.

Sorry, chaps - would you
mind keeping the noise down?

Some of us are trying to sleep here.

That's true, Dr William Harvey really did prove

that blood circulates round
the body from studying body parts

left over after English Civil War battles.

So, a big hand for Dr William Harvey, please.

And a severed arm and a couple of legs! Ha ha!

And if you want to find out
more about the English Civil War,

check out this lot.

We are the Roundheads
We don't want kings no more

That's why we started the English Civil War

People say we're no fun But we disagree... #

Especially when explaining
Parliamentary democracy!

We are particularly excited
by notions of jurisprudence...

That's enough dullness, we're the Cavalier crew

Supporting King Charles
and everything that he'll do

Puritans bore us, it's really a crime

When your Parliamentary
business cuts our partying time

Roundheads, sound heads

Keep-the-music-down heads

Rules and regulations... #

They're dull but fair!

Cavaliers, three cheers

Wackier headgears... #

We live to boogie with our peers.
Unfair? Don't care!

I am the King, I can do what I like

Start up a war or a big tax hike

Got a French wife, she's a Catholic... #

Oh, Lor'!

Really, King Charles, we're not quite sure

Insolence - is that how you talk to the crown?

I am the King, I'll
just close Parliament down... #

I think you'll find that's
in breach of due process.

Here's what we say to
that - now clear up this mess

Roundheads, sound heads
Witches-should-be-drowned heads

Don't believe in crowned heads... #

Parliament's our thing.

Cavaliers, three cheers

Your superiors... #

We're all toffs who cry, "Hear,
hear," and, "God save the King!"

Fight, fight, fight, fight!

Fight, fight, fight, fight!

Cavaliers, Roundheads - the English Civil War.

- Why is it called Civil?
- May I kill you, please? - Sure!

Love civil wars to be fought on this land

If I get to power,
Christmas will be banned... #

No chance, Cromwell - victory will be mine!

You'll never pass a ban
on mince pies and mulled wine

That's what do you think
- Just wait till you're caught

I'll also scrap theatre, music and sport... #

You're pathetic - war will
finish even before it's begun!

- We've taken Charles prisoner, the Roundheads have won!
- Oh.

Victory, three cheers

Cavaliers in tears

No power for you... #

I'm the leader of the pack!

Charles' head, Roundhead... #

Hurrah, now the King's dead!

Sins binned, instead a righteous track! #

But we'll be back!

Psst, can you keep a secret? No, me neither.

I've just found some great
games in the time sewers.

Want to come and play? Go to the CBBC website

and click on Horrible Histories. See you there.

Hope you enjoyed...

Horrible Histories. #

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