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Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians
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00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:08,179
Slimy Stuarts Vile Victorians
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00:00:08,180 --> 00:00:10,939
Woeful wars ferocious fights
Dingy castles daring knights
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00:00:10,940 --> 00:00:12,139
Horrors that defy description
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00:00:12,140 --> 00:00:14,179
Cut-throat Celts Awful Egyptians
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00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:16,619
Vicious Vikings cruel crimes
Punishments from ancient times
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00:00:16,620 --> 00:00:17,539
Romans rotten rank and ruthless
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00:00:17,540 --> 00:00:19,379
Cavemen savage Fierce and toothless
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00:00:19,380 --> 00:00:20,419
Groovy Greeks brainy sages
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00:00:20,420 --> 00:00:22,019
Mean and measly Middle Ages
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00:00:22,020 --> 00:00:24,659
Gory stories we do that
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And your host a talking rat
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The past is no longer a mystery
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Welcome to
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00:00:31,340 --> 00:00:35,900
Horrible Histories. #
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Everyone knew about the pyramids
we built to house our dead pharaohs
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because you could see them from miles around.
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But some of our later designs
were a little bit more...well, secret.
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OK, OK,
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00:00:55,020 --> 00:00:57,139
and...open your eyes.
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Ta-dah!
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Where's the tomb I ordered you to build for me?
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You are looking at your own brand new,
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00:01:05,260 --> 00:01:07,779
state-of-the-art, cutting-edge burial tomb.
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- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
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You just can't see it.
27
00:01:11,660 --> 00:01:13,819
- You're fired.
- Mm?
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00:01:13,820 --> 00:01:15,019
No, no, no!
29
00:01:15,020 --> 00:01:18,299
No, no. Look, it IS there,
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00:01:18,300 --> 00:01:20,579
it's just under the ground.
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Under the ground?! What good
does that do me? I'm a pharaoh!
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00:01:24,940 --> 00:01:27,219
I'm an Egyptian god walking the earth.
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When I pass over into the afterlife,
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I want to be buried in a majestic
golden pyramid 150m high.
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No, you don't.
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No, no, no! Think about it.
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Your dad, they stuck him
in a massive golden pyramid
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00:01:44,140 --> 00:01:47,299
that all the grave robbers
could see for miles around
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00:01:47,300 --> 00:01:50,419
and, of course, they all
came down and robbed his gold.
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What do you think it was like for your poor dad,
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00:01:52,860 --> 00:01:55,179
arriving in the afterlife with no treasure?
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- Embarrassing.
- What? - It was embarrassing.
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Very embarrassing.
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00:02:00,420 --> 00:02:05,099
Whereas with this design, they
won't even be able to find your tomb.
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00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:08,939
The whole thing is buried under the desert.
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OK, well, it's not what I was expecting,
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but I asked you to build me a great royal tomb
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- and I suppose you built me a great royal tomb, so...
- Absolutely!
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Right. Well, thanks.
50
00:02:18,820 --> 00:02:22,179
Oh, and here's your bonus.
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Er, there's nothing there?
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Oh, there is.
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You just can't see it.
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Laters.
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Pharaoh Tutankhamen was buried in
an underground tomb just like that one,
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which wasn't found for more than 3,000 years,
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making Tutankhamen the undisputed
world hide-and-seek champion. Ha-ha!
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00:02:44,540 --> 00:02:47,899
And it wasn't just the pharaoh's
burial tomb that was important,
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but what went in it.
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00:02:49,620 --> 00:02:51,899
And so I die.
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Thank you, my wonderful slaves,
for taking care of my every need.
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00:02:56,700 --> 00:03:02,139
Mighty pharaoh, it has
been our privilege to serve,
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00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:05,899
and we shall all miss you as you
take your journey to the afterlife.
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00:03:05,900 --> 00:03:09,259
What? No, you won't. You're coming with me.
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00:03:09,260 --> 00:03:13,059
Guards! Sacrifice my slaves
and bury them in here with me.
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00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:15,939
You're killing us after
everything we've done for you?!
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00:03:15,940 --> 00:03:19,299
Who else is going to take care
of my things in the afterlife? Guards!
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00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:21,899
But it's so unfair! There must be some other way.
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00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:23,939
There is! I'm a shouty man.
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00:03:23,940 --> 00:03:26,499
Are you an Egyptian pharaoh on your death bed?
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00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:29,019
Are you thinking that sacrificing real people
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00:03:29,020 --> 00:03:30,699
might just be a bit unfair?
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00:03:30,700 --> 00:03:33,219
Then try new Egyptian Ushabti dolls,
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the slaves you can have buried with you
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without killing anyone first.
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00:03:37,020 --> 00:03:39,579
- That sounds excellent.
- What, little dolls?
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00:03:39,580 --> 00:03:43,019
That's right! These beautiful
figurines will magically turn into
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00:03:43,020 --> 00:03:45,939
actual servants to look after
every need in the afterlife.
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00:03:45,940 --> 00:03:47,940
And there's hundreds to collect.
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00:03:53,420 --> 00:03:55,460
These look my size.
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To wipe your majestic bum.
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00:04:00,860 --> 00:04:02,180
How does this work?
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00:04:03,580 --> 00:04:05,180
My, that's first class.
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00:04:17,860 --> 00:04:22,619
Did you know George I, King of
England, actually came from Germany?
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00:04:22,620 --> 00:04:25,340
And that made things a little tricky for him.
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00:04:27,260 --> 00:04:31,020
The Right Honourable Member
of Parliament, Mr Robert Walpole.
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00:04:33,020 --> 00:04:35,579
Your majesty, I bring grave news, I'm afraid.
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00:04:35,580 --> 00:04:39,659
The company we set up to profit
from slave trading in South America
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00:04:39,660 --> 00:04:42,739
has, it seems, promised
rather more than it can deliver.
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00:04:42,740 --> 00:04:46,419
Without firm action, this
crisis could well spell the end
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00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:49,419
- for both of us.
- Er, was ist das? - Ah!
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00:04:49,420 --> 00:04:54,339
Your English seems to have
got worse again, your majesty.
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Er, was?
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00:04:55,660 --> 00:04:59,539
Have you been back over to Germany again?
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00:04:59,540 --> 00:05:02,019
Ja, ja. Ich leibe Deutschland, ja.
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00:05:02,020 --> 00:05:04,939
I know you love Germany. Some
would say for an English king
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00:05:04,940 --> 00:05:06,819
you spend rather too much time there.
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00:05:06,820 --> 00:05:08,979
- Was?
- Er, nothing.
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00:05:08,980 --> 00:05:12,339
We have a bit of a crisis.
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00:05:12,340 --> 00:05:14,019
Ja, ja?
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00:05:14,020 --> 00:05:17,499
I'd like to help solve the crisis,
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00:05:17,500 --> 00:05:20,979
but I don't have enough power.
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00:05:20,980 --> 00:05:22,459
Ja, ja?
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00:05:22,460 --> 00:05:24,139
Do you understand me
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00:05:24,140 --> 00:05:27,339
or are you just repeating
the word "yes" in German?
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00:05:27,340 --> 00:05:32,019
- Ja, ja.
- Your majesty, you cannot make this problem just go away
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00:05:32,020 --> 00:05:37,339
simply by repeating yes,
after everything I...say.
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00:05:37,340 --> 00:05:39,459
Now I think about it...
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00:05:39,460 --> 00:05:44,419
Would you like me to solve the crisis for you?
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00:05:44,420 --> 00:05:45,619
Ja!
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00:05:45,620 --> 00:05:48,899
And would you be willing to
make me First Lord of the Treasury
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00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:51,139
and Chancellor of the Exchequer?
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00:05:51,140 --> 00:05:53,779
Basically making me in
charge of the entire country.
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A sort of Prime Minister.
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Was?
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00:05:57,140 --> 00:05:59,379
- No, the other word.
- Ja?
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That's the one!
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00:06:00,380 --> 00:06:02,779
Well, thank you very much,
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00:06:02,780 --> 00:06:05,179
If you wouldn't mind just signing there,
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00:06:05,180 --> 00:06:06,899
make it all official.
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00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:09,780
Wonderful! Well, that's that then.
122
00:06:11,420 --> 00:06:12,699
Ooh! Um,
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00:06:12,700 --> 00:06:16,219
while I think about it,
would it be OK for the country
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to buy me a nice big house?
You know, as Prime Minister?
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00:06:21,020 --> 00:06:23,619
No...problem.
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00:06:23,620 --> 00:06:25,499
Oh, did you understand that?
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00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:29,259
- Or are you just saying some English words you remembered?
- No problem?
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00:06:29,260 --> 00:06:30,580
Yep, thought as much.
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00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:34,460
Auf wiedersehen.
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00:06:36,340 --> 00:06:41,419
That's right, Walpole got
Houghton Hall thanks to George I.
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00:06:41,420 --> 00:06:46,379
But in 1732, George II gave
him a new London residence.
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Number 10 Downing Street.
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00:06:48,380 --> 00:06:51,659
So whenever the Prime Minister
of Britain walks into Number 10,
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00:06:51,660 --> 00:06:53,379
he has George II to thank.
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00:06:53,380 --> 00:06:57,059
Oh, by the way, did you
know where George II died? Mm?
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00:06:57,060 --> 00:06:58,339
On the toilet.
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00:06:58,340 --> 00:07:03,300
Well, only appropriate, I guess.
He WAS a number two. Ha-ha-ha!
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00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:09,099
Hello and welcome to HHTV Sport,
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00:07:09,100 --> 00:07:12,859
bringing you historical
sports direct from the past.
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00:07:12,860 --> 00:07:16,859
Today, it's over to Scotland
for some unusual Highland games.
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To find out more,
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I'll hand you over to our
commentary team live in the 1820s.
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Well, today's programme features a number
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of traditional Highland game pursuits.
There's the running race,
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00:07:27,460 --> 00:07:31,019
the lifting a heavy stone
competition and throwing a hammer,
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preferably in the direction
of the bagpipe player.
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WHOOSH!
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- Arrgh!
- Oops.
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00:07:36,820 --> 00:07:39,539
Feel a bit bad about saying that now.
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00:07:39,540 --> 00:07:43,179
Anyhow, there's one particular
event that caught my attention
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and I have the winner here with me now.
Jamie, congratulations.
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- Thanks, Andrea.
- So, you won for the bizarrely-named
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twisting the cow competition.
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00:07:52,340 --> 00:07:54,539
Can you tell us exactly what that involves?
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00:07:54,540 --> 00:07:57,620
Well, Andrea, it involves
twisting the four legs off a cow.
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- A-a dead cow?
- Aye, a dead cow.
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00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:03,619
We're not animals!
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00:08:03,620 --> 00:08:07,739
And can you tell us exactly how
you made it through to today's final?
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00:08:07,740 --> 00:08:10,059
Well, I put in a lot of hard work,
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but mostly I did it ON THE HOOF!
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Aha-ha-ha!
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On the hoof! Ha!
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I imagine twisting the leg
off a cow is pretty difficult.
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Do you get many injuries?
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00:08:21,820 --> 00:08:25,699
Aye, well I did tear a
CALF muscle during my warm-up.
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But I've never been injured myself! Aha-ha-ha!
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00:08:31,700 --> 00:08:35,940
- And what was your prize for winning?
- Er, a fattened sheep.
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00:08:37,060 --> 00:08:41,259
Great(!) And are you confident
about winning next year's competition?
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00:08:41,260 --> 00:08:46,379
Aye, I'm quite BULLISH about it. Aha-ha-ha!
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00:08:46,380 --> 00:08:49,659
Good luck with that, back to the studio.
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00:08:49,660 --> 00:08:54,020
- Want some?
- No, that's all right. I'm vegan. - OK, fair enough.
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00:09:02,460 --> 00:09:05,219
Hello and welcome to Horrible Points Of View.
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We've just been going
through the vaults at the BBC
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and have dug out this bag
of letters from the Stuart era.
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A number of them concern a recent performance
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of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.
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00:09:16,540 --> 00:09:18,540
What's the problem, guys?
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It may sound strange, but up
until the reign of King Charles II,
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all female roles in theatre were played by men.
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And not everyone was happy when this changed.
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I can't believe I've
been training for over a year
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to play the part of Juliet
and then they give it to a woman.
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I mean, a woman dressed as a woman on the stage!
184
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It just doesn't seem right.
185
00:09:56,260 --> 00:09:59,179
Well, we took the complaints
right to the very top
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00:09:59,180 --> 00:10:02,619
and found out what King Charles
II had to say on the matter.
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00:10:02,620 --> 00:10:05,659
Marvellous! Splendid! Wonderful!
188
00:10:05,660 --> 00:10:07,379
What was the question again?
189
00:10:07,380 --> 00:10:09,659
So next time you're watching Hannah Montana,
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00:10:09,660 --> 00:10:12,339
be thankful you're not in the Stuart era,
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00:10:12,340 --> 00:10:15,339
or she'd be played by a bloke. Good night.
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00:10:15,340 --> 00:10:18,939
Those English actors thought
they had it bad in the Stuart era.
193
00:10:18,940 --> 00:10:21,179
What about this French star of the stage?
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00:10:21,180 --> 00:10:25,100
He had a particularly unpleasant
final performance, I can tell you.
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00:10:27,140 --> 00:10:29,499
Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
196
00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:31,659
They're funny cos they're true
197
00:10:31,660 --> 00:10:34,339
Woo! Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
198
00:10:34,340 --> 00:10:37,499
Hope next time it's not you! Hee-hee! #
199
00:10:37,500 --> 00:10:40,099
And I've hated foreigners ever since.
200
00:10:40,100 --> 00:10:43,739
Mm, especially the French. Next!
201
00:10:43,740 --> 00:10:45,899
- Name.
- Moliere,
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00:10:45,900 --> 00:10:47,899
French actor and playwright.
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00:10:47,900 --> 00:10:49,219
It's not my day, is it?
204
00:10:49,220 --> 00:10:52,419
And what sort of plays do you do?
205
00:10:52,420 --> 00:10:54,019
I was a master of comedy.
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00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:56,499
Oh, this should be funny then.
Well, come on, then.
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00:10:56,500 --> 00:10:58,259
Renversez les haricots.
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00:10:58,260 --> 00:11:01,539
That's spill the beans, but
you probably already know that.
209
00:11:01,540 --> 00:11:05,659
Anyway, I was performing my
most recent play, The Hypochondriac.
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00:11:05,660 --> 00:11:07,099
The hyper-whaty-act?
211
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:11,939
The Hypochondriac. It is someone
who is convinced they are always ill
212
00:11:11,940 --> 00:11:15,859
when they are, er... Mon
dieu, how you say? Not ill.
213
00:11:15,860 --> 00:11:19,899
Well, we all know someone like that.
Fit as a fiddle, really!
214
00:11:19,900 --> 00:11:21,219
Sorry, continue.
215
00:11:21,220 --> 00:11:24,019
I was in the middle of
a quite masterful performance
216
00:11:24,020 --> 00:11:25,179
in The Hypochondriac,
217
00:11:25,180 --> 00:11:28,259
when I fell to the floor
in a violent coughing fit.
218
00:11:28,260 --> 00:11:30,659
Oh. All part of the play, of course.
219
00:11:30,660 --> 00:11:33,339
Well, pas, pas, pas. The
audience thought so as well.
220
00:11:33,340 --> 00:11:36,339
But no, this was a real violent coughing fit.
221
00:11:36,340 --> 00:11:38,459
So real in fact, that...
222
00:11:38,460 --> 00:11:39,499
Ye-es?
223
00:11:39,500 --> 00:11:40,739
That I died.
224
00:11:40,740 --> 00:11:43,019
You di...? Aha-ha-ha!
225
00:11:43,020 --> 00:11:44,579
HE LAUGHS
226
00:11:44,580 --> 00:11:47,339
The Hypochondriac really WAS unwell.
227
00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:49,979
Did anyone in the audience die laughing?
228
00:11:49,980 --> 00:11:53,819
Because I think I might! Oh, go on. Au revoir!
229
00:11:53,820 --> 00:11:55,859
HE LAUGHS
230
00:11:55,860 --> 00:11:58,219
Oh, seriously, I might die laughing.
231
00:11:58,220 --> 00:12:00,699
Oh no, I'm dead already, aren't I?
232
00:12:00,700 --> 00:12:02,619
Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine.
233
00:12:02,620 --> 00:12:04,099
Next!
234
00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:06,379
Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
235
00:12:06,380 --> 00:12:09,619
Hope next time it's not yo-o-ou! #
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00:12:09,620 --> 00:12:11,059
HE LAUGHS
237
00:12:11,060 --> 00:12:14,219
The superstition that
green brings bad luck to actors
238
00:12:14,220 --> 00:12:16,659
is said to originate from the colour of clothing
239
00:12:16,660 --> 00:12:19,059
Moliere was wearing at the time of his death.
240
00:12:19,060 --> 00:12:21,140
The rat knows all!
241
00:12:26,740 --> 00:12:29,699
Welcome to Historical Wife Swap,
242
00:12:29,700 --> 00:12:32,299
This is Mr Viking and his wife from Norway.
243
00:12:32,300 --> 00:12:33,619
Argh!
244
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,899
- Don't growl, dear.
- Sorry love, sorry.
245
00:12:35,900 --> 00:12:38,979
And this week, they'll be
doing a wife swap with the Thralls,
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00:12:38,980 --> 00:12:41,979
a family of slaves who live
at the bottom of their garden.
247
00:12:41,980 --> 00:12:44,299
But how will these two very different classes
248
00:12:44,300 --> 00:12:45,619
of Norwegians get along?
249
00:12:45,620 --> 00:12:48,779
Mrs Viking has left her house and husband behind
250
00:12:48,780 --> 00:12:50,459
and is about to meet Mr Thrall.
251
00:12:50,460 --> 00:12:51,419
You there.
252
00:12:51,420 --> 00:12:52,579
- Ah.
- Ah!
253
00:12:52,580 --> 00:12:55,099
Oh, don't be alarmed. I'm just very ugly.
254
00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:58,619
I'm Mr Thrall. You looking forward
to being a Thrall for the week?
255
00:12:58,620 --> 00:12:59,859
Am I heck!
256
00:12:59,860 --> 00:13:01,539
Come on, it'll be fun.
257
00:13:01,540 --> 00:13:04,499
I mean, normally to be a Thrall,
you have to be born a Thrall.
258
00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:06,979
I'm an uneducated slave, so was my father
259
00:13:06,980 --> 00:13:08,579
and my grandfather before him.
260
00:13:08,580 --> 00:13:11,419
- My kids'll be slaves too. Won't you, Blobnose?
- Yeah.
261
00:13:11,420 --> 00:13:12,339
Ah!
262
00:13:12,340 --> 00:13:14,899
- Chip off the old block, eh?
- A horrible-looking boy!
263
00:13:14,900 --> 00:13:16,419
It's a girl.
264
00:13:16,420 --> 00:13:19,899
Things aren't going any
better at Mr Viking's house.
265
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,659
Hello, I'm Mr Viking.
266
00:13:21,660 --> 00:13:23,939
Pleased to meet you. Actually, not going to.
267
00:13:23,940 --> 00:13:26,579
So what's your name? Oh, sorry.
268
00:13:26,580 --> 00:13:28,499
You slaves need permission to speak.
269
00:13:28,500 --> 00:13:29,739
For the rest of the week,
270
00:13:29,740 --> 00:13:31,019
permission granted.
271
00:13:31,020 --> 00:13:34,739
You're going to live like my wife
and she talks whenever she likes.
272
00:13:34,740 --> 00:13:36,459
Boy, do I know it.
273
00:13:36,460 --> 00:13:38,739
Mrs Viking's getting her hands dirty
274
00:13:38,740 --> 00:13:42,419
as she helps Mr Thrall with his daily chores.
275
00:13:42,420 --> 00:13:46,179
Right, that must be enough.
How long have I been digging now?
276
00:13:46,180 --> 00:13:48,499
- About three minutes.
- Three?!
277
00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:51,779
I haven't worked this hard since... Well, ever.
278
00:13:51,780 --> 00:13:55,019
I've worked this hard since I was five.
Not just mending fences
279
00:13:55,020 --> 00:13:58,059
and digging for peat, it's
building walls, herding animals,
280
00:13:58,060 --> 00:14:02,099
grinding corn and spreading pig muck.
281
00:14:02,100 --> 00:14:03,499
Ah!
282
00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:06,459
It's dinner time at the Viking house.
283
00:14:06,460 --> 00:14:08,619
Do I have to wear this all the time?
284
00:14:08,620 --> 00:14:10,899
No, just while I'm eating.
285
00:14:10,900 --> 00:14:12,579
Finished.
286
00:14:12,580 --> 00:14:13,659
Oh.
287
00:14:13,660 --> 00:14:15,779
Erm, so how did you and Mrs Viking meet?
288
00:14:15,780 --> 00:14:18,099
- Snoradottir.
- Pardon?
289
00:14:18,100 --> 00:14:20,859
It's not Mrs Viking, it's Mrs Snoradottir.
290
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:23,779
- Viking women don't take their husband's names.
- Oh, right.
291
00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:27,099
I was 15, she was 15. She was
going through a very messy divorce.
292
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:28,539
- You what?
- Yeah,
293
00:14:28,540 --> 00:14:32,099
she dumped her first husband
because he showed too much bare chest
294
00:14:32,100 --> 00:14:34,339
and then my family paid her to marry me.
295
00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:39,539
This Mrs Snottyflopper sounds awful.
She gets paid to get married,
296
00:14:39,540 --> 00:14:43,299
she can get divorced when she
likes for the silliest of reasons
297
00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:46,059
and she makes us Thralls do all the work for her.
298
00:14:46,060 --> 00:14:49,499
I tell you, I would like
to give her a piece of my mind.
299
00:14:49,500 --> 00:14:52,259
Providing she gave me
permission to speak, of course.
300
00:14:52,260 --> 00:14:54,779
Being a Thrall is really hard work.
301
00:14:54,780 --> 00:14:58,579
Apparently Mr Thrall and his
wife have to do this stuff every day
302
00:14:58,580 --> 00:15:00,899
for free, just because they're ordered to
303
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:04,059
by some bossy, horrible
old Viking hag with no manners.
304
00:15:04,060 --> 00:15:06,419
Hang on, he means me!
305
00:15:06,420 --> 00:15:09,259
It's time for the Vikings and Thralls to sit down
306
00:15:09,260 --> 00:15:10,939
and see what they've learned.
307
00:15:10,940 --> 00:15:16,339
If I'm honest, sir, I find your
wife snobbish, arrogant and lazy.
308
00:15:16,340 --> 00:15:19,459
- But I must say, she is quite a looker.
- What?
309
00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:23,019
Well, your wife is fantastic at housework.
310
00:15:23,020 --> 00:15:26,499
She's a great cook. Admittedly
she does look a bit like rotting meat,
311
00:15:26,500 --> 00:15:29,419
but at least she doesn't
tell you what to do all the time.
312
00:15:29,420 --> 00:15:30,779
Tell you what to do?!
313
00:15:30,780 --> 00:15:33,899
I only take charge because
you're always away killing monks
314
00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:35,579
or burning down villages!
315
00:15:35,580 --> 00:15:38,339
When was the last time you
were around to dig up some peat
316
00:15:38,340 --> 00:15:40,179
or put up a fence, hm?
317
00:15:40,180 --> 00:15:43,619
We don't need to dig up peat or put up a fence.
318
00:15:43,620 --> 00:15:45,579
We have Thralls for that, don't we?
319
00:15:45,580 --> 00:15:47,939
Well, I don't need to cook or clean.
320
00:15:47,940 --> 00:15:49,699
We have Thralls to do that too.
321
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:51,619
Yes, good.
322
00:15:51,620 --> 00:15:53,419
So basically what you're saying is
323
00:15:53,420 --> 00:15:56,619
things are pretty good as
they are, when you think about it.
324
00:15:56,620 --> 00:15:57,979
Not for us they're not.
325
00:15:57,980 --> 00:16:00,339
- Permission to speak terminated.
- Yeah, I agree.
326
00:16:00,340 --> 00:16:03,339
Back to the bottom of the garden, you two.
327
00:16:03,340 --> 00:16:07,139
Do you know what? I forgot how ugly you are.
328
00:16:07,140 --> 00:16:09,259
Oh, you say the loveliest things!
329
00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:11,220
Come on.
330
00:16:13,700 --> 00:16:17,099
And it's from Viking Thralls
that we get the expression
331
00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:21,419
being in thrall to someone,
meaning being under their control.
332
00:16:21,420 --> 00:16:24,379
Like Marcus, my pet flea, is in thrall to me.
333
00:16:24,380 --> 00:16:25,939
He does everything I tell him.
334
00:16:25,940 --> 00:16:26,979
PARP!
335
00:16:26,980 --> 00:16:28,659
Marcus, stop that.
336
00:16:28,660 --> 00:16:30,179
PARP!
337
00:16:30,180 --> 00:16:31,740
Marcus, I'll have a bath!
338
00:16:44,180 --> 00:16:45,699
The answer is...
339
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:46,699
B.
340
00:16:46,700 --> 00:16:51,139
Vikings had natural steam baths
by pouring water over hot stones.
341
00:16:51,140 --> 00:16:54,899
They used soap made out of conkers
and would hit themselves with twigs
342
00:16:54,900 --> 00:16:58,020
and roll in the snow to really freshen up.
343
00:17:07,300 --> 00:17:09,259
Hello and welcome to the News At When.
344
00:17:09,260 --> 00:17:14,299
When? The 1400s when the people
of Europe finally discovered America,
345
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:17,659
which - for a big place
- was very difficult to find
346
00:17:17,660 --> 00:17:19,819
and even more difficult to settle in.
347
00:17:19,820 --> 00:17:23,699
Here with more details is Bob
Hale with the American report. Bob?
348
00:17:23,700 --> 00:17:27,539
Thank you, Sam. Well,
the year is 1492 and that there
349
00:17:27,540 --> 00:17:31,179
isn't quite America. It's what
the Native Americans call Turtle Island
350
00:17:31,180 --> 00:17:34,259
or Anowarkowa or Ina Maka
or - better still - just home.
351
00:17:34,260 --> 00:17:37,379
They can call it what they like
cos they're the only people there
352
00:17:37,380 --> 00:17:39,899
thanks to this big blue
thing, the Atlantic Ocean,
353
00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:43,059
which has stopped them being
bothered by anyone for 500 years.
354
00:17:43,060 --> 00:17:45,699
But that's about to change.
Here comes Italian explorer
355
00:17:45,700 --> 00:17:49,339
Christopher Columbus. The man
who discovered America, right? Wrong!
356
00:17:49,340 --> 00:17:52,619
He only discovered these islands
here, which he thought was India.
357
00:17:52,620 --> 00:17:55,899
He's only wrong by about 8,000
miles and that's why these islands
358
00:17:55,900 --> 00:17:59,219
are known as the West Indies,
an interesting fact that can be found
359
00:17:59,220 --> 00:18:02,659
in Bob's Big Book Of Interesting
Facts, available now, just 12.99.
360
00:18:02,660 --> 00:18:05,899
Next up then, it's another
Italian, John Cabot, who in 1497
361
00:18:05,900 --> 00:18:08,459
also managed to not quite discover America,
362
00:18:08,460 --> 00:18:12,099
landing up there in Newfoundland,
which is also just an island.
363
00:18:12,100 --> 00:18:14,979
Followed in 1516 by the Spanish,
who land here in Florida,
364
00:18:14,980 --> 00:18:18,219
which isn't an island but they
think it is, so no points there either.
365
00:18:18,220 --> 00:18:20,899
Going well, isn't it? But who's this? Oh, no!
366
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:23,299
The English are coming, the English are coming!
367
00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:26,539
Yes, in 1587, Sir Walter
Raleigh lands here in Virginia
368
00:18:26,540 --> 00:18:28,659
and sets up the very first English colony,
369
00:18:28,660 --> 00:18:31,619
which promptly disappears without trace.
Nice one, Wally.
370
00:18:31,620 --> 00:18:34,339
So what does England do? Well, it tries again.
371
00:18:34,340 --> 00:18:38,219
Yes, 1607 and back in Virginia
Jamestown is founded, and why there?
372
00:18:38,220 --> 00:18:41,739
Because there's gold there. But
the Brits are so busy mining for gold,
373
00:18:41,740 --> 00:18:44,459
they forget to think about
things like growing food
374
00:18:44,460 --> 00:18:47,739
and within a few years, they're
so hungry they eat horrible things
375
00:18:47,740 --> 00:18:50,899
like poo and each other
and sprouts and dirty water.
376
00:18:50,900 --> 00:18:53,499
Though not sprouts. Before long, they're dropping
377
00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:56,339
like the sales figures
on my book I mentioned earlier.
378
00:18:56,340 --> 00:18:59,539
So by 1625, of the 7,000 Jamestown settlers,
379
00:18:59,540 --> 00:19:03,139
more than 6,000 have died. Sounds
like they need some re-enforcements.
380
00:19:03,140 --> 00:19:06,059
And here they come. Yes,
it's 102 very religious people
381
00:19:06,060 --> 00:19:08,539
from the British Midlands. The Pilgrim Fathers,
382
00:19:08,540 --> 00:19:11,099
who make the Jamestown lot
look the smartest men on earth.
383
00:19:11,100 --> 00:19:13,139
They bring no ploughs, no fishing line,
384
00:19:13,140 --> 00:19:16,739
no animals and one of
them brings 139 pairs of shoes.
385
00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:18,979
Now there are some very weird priorities.
386
00:19:18,980 --> 00:19:21,899
Luckily for the Pilgrims,
the Native Americans take pity
387
00:19:21,900 --> 00:19:25,139
and hold a giant feast. The
Pilgrims give thanks, which is where
388
00:19:25,140 --> 00:19:28,579
Thanksgiving comes from. What
an interesting fact! It's in the book.
389
00:19:28,580 --> 00:19:30,899
Next to rock up, it's the Dutch who land here
390
00:19:30,900 --> 00:19:33,899
and name the place New Amsterdam,
after the Dutch city.
391
00:19:33,900 --> 00:19:36,099
The English steal it off them and rename it
392
00:19:36,100 --> 00:19:39,499
after the English city of York,
which is how we get New York, see?
393
00:19:39,500 --> 00:19:41,579
The Brits aren't the only ones stealing.
394
00:19:41,580 --> 00:19:45,099
By 1750, everyone's at it -
the French, the Spanish, the Brits,
395
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:46,819
all fighting each other for land,
396
00:19:46,820 --> 00:19:49,059
land which belongs to the Native Americans,
397
00:19:49,060 --> 00:19:51,899
who get fed up with people
trying to steal it off them.
398
00:19:51,900 --> 00:19:54,899
No sooner has Britain fought
off the French and the Spanish,
399
00:19:54,900 --> 00:19:58,299
they have to start fighting the Native Americans.
But not like that.
400
00:19:58,300 --> 00:20:00,899
No, that's too fair. They
give the Native Americans
401
00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:03,899
blankets infected with
smallpox and let the disease do
402
00:20:03,900 --> 00:20:06,899
the fighting for them, a plan
as horrible as it is effective.
403
00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:09,899
I mean, very. So the British
control most of East America
404
00:20:09,900 --> 00:20:13,059
and that's that, all done, job
finished, story over, step back,
405
00:20:13,060 --> 00:20:15,659
there's nothing to see here.
406
00:20:15,660 --> 00:20:17,059
Or so we thought.
407
00:20:17,060 --> 00:20:19,899
The government back home
want the American colonists
408
00:20:19,900 --> 00:20:23,179
to pay British taxes but have
no say in how that money's spent,
409
00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:25,899
which seems unfair, especially
since they put taxes
410
00:20:25,900 --> 00:20:28,979
on everything, even the one
thing no-one can live without -
411
00:20:28,980 --> 00:20:31,499
tea! Yes, the tea tax really took the biscuit,
412
00:20:31,500 --> 00:20:34,979
so in 1773, the Colonists stormed
the tea ships in Boston Harbour
413
00:20:34,980 --> 00:20:37,859
and threw all the tea overboard,
making a big statement.
414
00:20:37,860 --> 00:20:40,139
An even bigger statement of really salty tea,
415
00:20:40,140 --> 00:20:43,899
and that little Boston Tea Party
was more than just a storm in a teacup,
416
00:20:43,900 --> 00:20:47,299
Within two years, the colonists
went to war - the American Revolution.
417
00:20:47,300 --> 00:20:51,139
By 1776, it's goodbye Brits,
as America declares its independence,
418
00:20:51,140 --> 00:20:53,939
they are now the United
States of America, the USA,
419
00:20:53,940 --> 00:20:56,379
the US of A, Home of the
Brave and Land of the Free,
420
00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:59,659
and do you know what else is free?
Yes, it's this fantastic Bob Hale
421
00:20:59,660 --> 00:21:03,659
action figure when you buy my
incredible new book, just 2.99 now.
422
00:21:03,660 --> 00:21:05,899
So what are you waiting for? Come on every...
423
00:21:05,900 --> 00:21:07,819
That's more like it. Yep, don't worry,
424
00:21:07,820 --> 00:21:10,819
plenty to go around. Yes, one for you.
Yes, good, well done,
425
00:21:10,820 --> 00:21:13,540
and don't worry, Sam,
I've saved you a signed copy.
426
00:21:17,140 --> 00:21:20,459
One of the famous figures
of the American War of Independence
427
00:21:20,460 --> 00:21:21,539
is Paul Revere.
428
00:21:21,540 --> 00:21:25,099
He's well known for riding through
the night to warn fellow Americans
429
00:21:25,100 --> 00:21:26,659
that the British were coming.
430
00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:32,139
What isn't so well known is that
he was also a dentist and an inventor.
431
00:21:32,140 --> 00:21:34,499
Hi, I'm Paul Revere.
432
00:21:34,500 --> 00:21:37,699
Are you fed up with cleaning
your teeth using your finger?
433
00:21:37,700 --> 00:21:40,939
A piece of rag? Someone else's finger?
434
00:21:40,940 --> 00:21:42,459
Or nothing at all?
435
00:21:42,460 --> 00:21:46,019
Then help is at hand, thanks to
my amazing, not in any way effective,
436
00:21:46,020 --> 00:21:48,059
all-American toothpaste.
437
00:21:48,060 --> 00:21:52,219
The unique three-stripe formula
delivers complete mouth freshness.
438
00:21:52,220 --> 00:21:55,899
The white stripe is sugar,
the yellow stripe is butter
439
00:21:55,900 --> 00:21:57,819
and the brown stripe is breadcrumbs.
440
00:21:57,820 --> 00:21:59,219
Say bye-bye to cavities
441
00:21:59,220 --> 00:22:02,819
and hello to totally rotten teeth.
And not forgetting
442
00:22:02,820 --> 00:22:05,940
Paul Revere's special,
not at all secret ingredient...
443
00:22:07,180 --> 00:22:11,419
For that bright yellow smile
that will blow your friends away.
444
00:22:11,420 --> 00:22:12,579
HE COUGHS
445
00:22:12,580 --> 00:22:15,099
You'll never need to use another toothpaste.
446
00:22:15,100 --> 00:22:17,539
Paul Revere's all-American toothpaste,
447
00:22:17,540 --> 00:22:19,179
because teeth are over-rated.
448
00:22:19,180 --> 00:22:22,740
Warning, new gunpowder formula.
May contain gunpowder.
449
00:22:28,100 --> 00:22:32,179
Our Roman emperor Caligula could
be a really nasty piece of work
450
00:22:32,180 --> 00:22:34,179
even to his loyal followers.
451
00:22:34,180 --> 00:22:36,020
But don't tell him I told you so.
452
00:22:36,820 --> 00:22:42,339
Oh, oh, mighty Caligula!
Are my eyes deceiving me?
453
00:22:42,340 --> 00:22:45,659
- Have you recovered from your dreadful illness?
- Thank the Gods!
454
00:22:45,660 --> 00:22:46,899
Don't touch the toga.
455
00:22:46,900 --> 00:22:48,259
Oh, sorry.
456
00:22:48,260 --> 00:22:49,859
Indeed I am better
457
00:22:49,860 --> 00:22:52,899
and I'm told when my doctors
didn't know what to do with me,
458
00:22:52,900 --> 00:22:55,459
it was you who came to my rescue.
459
00:22:55,460 --> 00:22:57,099
- Oh, it's nothing.
- Nothing at all.
460
00:22:57,100 --> 00:22:59,019
You begged the gods to make me better.
461
00:22:59,020 --> 00:23:02,819
- Well, now you come to mention it...
- I don't want to make a big thing,
462
00:23:02,820 --> 00:23:06,059
- but it was actually my idea.
- All right! - But it was.
463
00:23:06,060 --> 00:23:08,059
Why'd you have to do that?
464
00:23:08,060 --> 00:23:10,779
Well I came to say thank
you, so, er, thank you. Mm.
465
00:23:10,780 --> 00:23:12,459
What, that's it?
466
00:23:12,460 --> 00:23:14,539
- No gold?
- No land?
467
00:23:14,540 --> 00:23:18,059
Not even a bit of small change
for me? After all, it was my idea.
468
00:23:18,060 --> 00:23:19,659
Why do you keep saying it?
469
00:23:19,660 --> 00:23:21,939
What would you do with it where you're going?
470
00:23:21,940 --> 00:23:25,139
- Am I missing something?
- Well, I understand...
471
00:23:25,140 --> 00:23:26,699
and forgive me if I'm wrong,
472
00:23:26,700 --> 00:23:29,899
but when you prayed to the
gods for my speedy recovery,
473
00:23:29,900 --> 00:23:35,139
you did at one point offer the
gods your lives in return for mine.
474
00:23:35,140 --> 00:23:37,899
Yes, technically.
475
00:23:37,900 --> 00:23:40,339
And my good health has recovered.
476
00:23:40,340 --> 00:23:44,939
So now it's your turn to keep
your side of the bargain! (LAUGHS)
477
00:23:44,940 --> 00:23:49,179
Chop-chop, or stab-stab if you prefer it.
478
00:23:49,180 --> 00:23:51,219
Emperor, please, have mercy!
479
00:23:51,220 --> 00:23:54,499
"Oh, what a great idea," she
says, "It'll be all right," she says.
480
00:23:54,500 --> 00:23:56,179
All right! Stop giving it that!
481
00:23:56,180 --> 00:24:00,299
What a lovely couple,
don't you think so, Mr Finger?
482
00:24:00,300 --> 00:24:01,659
No, they stink!
483
00:24:01,660 --> 00:24:03,259
Ooh, you're right, they did.
484
00:24:03,260 --> 00:24:06,819
Someone burn this toga, a peasant has touched it.
485
00:24:06,820 --> 00:24:09,019
That's what really happened.
486
00:24:09,020 --> 00:24:12,899
Anyone offering their lives
to the gods for Caligula's recovery
487
00:24:12,900 --> 00:24:15,659
then had to make good their promise.
488
00:24:15,660 --> 00:24:20,819
Yes, Caligula was one bad
emperor, but was he the baddest?
489
00:24:20,820 --> 00:24:25,099
- The famous Roman Empire.
- Was the biggest, meanest neighbourhood.
490
00:24:25,100 --> 00:24:27,339
We four were the baddest Emperors.
491
00:24:27,340 --> 00:24:29,059
By bad, we don't mean good.
492
00:24:29,060 --> 00:24:30,820
ALL: Woo-hoo!
493
00:24:34,060 --> 00:24:38,579
My name is Caligula A rotten Roman pigula
494
00:24:38,580 --> 00:24:42,339
If you told me a fibula
I'd hack your hands to stumps
495
00:24:42,340 --> 00:24:46,139
One time I killed a priest
Who'd come to sacrifice a beast
496
00:24:46,140 --> 00:24:48,779
You think it's sad that he's deceased
497
00:24:48,780 --> 00:24:50,819
We all laughed like chumps
498
00:24:50,820 --> 00:24:54,659
I'm very hairy but take note
If you so much as whisper "goat"
499
00:24:54,660 --> 00:24:56,779
With an iron rod you will be smote
500
00:24:56,780 --> 00:24:59,120
In a good mood today
so I won't slit your throat
501
00:25:01,020 --> 00:25:02,979
- I'm bad
- He's bad
502
00:25:02,980 --> 00:25:05,459
A shameless rotten cad
503
00:25:05,460 --> 00:25:08,259
Do you still have limbs since meeting me?
504
00:25:08,260 --> 00:25:11,979
Then I guess you should be gla-a-ad
505
00:25:11,980 --> 00:25:13,139
Oh-oh
506
00:25:13,140 --> 00:25:15,779
Your nastiness was fabulous
507
00:25:15,780 --> 00:25:17,739
But my name's Elagabalus
508
00:25:17,740 --> 00:25:19,939
And I was far far worse
509
00:25:19,940 --> 00:25:22,379
Just listen to my verse
510
00:25:22,380 --> 00:25:26,339
I was quite notorious For catapulting venomous
511
00:25:26,340 --> 00:25:30,779
Snakes at Rome's enormous
crowds Oh how they fled, ha-ha
512
00:25:30,780 --> 00:25:32,659
If you won a lottery prize
513
00:25:32,660 --> 00:25:35,379
I'd give you bees dead dogs and flies
514
00:25:35,380 --> 00:25:37,899
My house guests got a nice surprise
515
00:25:37,900 --> 00:25:39,179
A lion in their bed
516
00:25:39,180 --> 00:25:41,139
You'd think to children I'd be cuter
517
00:25:41,140 --> 00:25:43,259
No, I was their biggest executer
518
00:25:43,260 --> 00:25:45,299
Use their guts to read the future
519
00:25:45,300 --> 00:25:47,660
It says here I should
get a job as a school tutor
520
00:25:49,340 --> 00:25:51,659
- I'm bad
- He's bad
521
00:25:51,660 --> 00:25:53,979
Could argue I was sad
522
00:25:53,980 --> 00:25:55,419
Hated through our empire
523
00:25:55,420 --> 00:25:59,899
From Great Britain to Bagdha-a-ad
524
00:25:59,900 --> 00:26:02,019
Ooh-ooh
525
00:26:02,020 --> 00:26:03,939
Afraid your claim is bogus
526
00:26:03,940 --> 00:26:06,019
Cos my name is Commodus
527
00:26:06,020 --> 00:26:10,339
And no-one else can be A worse emperor than me
528
00:26:10,340 --> 00:26:12,619
There never was a greater Pretend gladiator
529
00:26:12,620 --> 00:26:14,739
If the booing got too loud
Made the lions fight the crowd
530
00:26:14,740 --> 00:26:16,979
Just one man was grander Julius Alexander
531
00:26:16,980 --> 00:26:19,220
So I killed him, see Cos I'm the Emperor, me
532
00:26:20,940 --> 00:26:22,979
- I'm bad
- He's bad
533
00:26:22,980 --> 00:26:25,099
My actions truly rad
534
00:26:25,100 --> 00:26:29,459
You only got the Emperor job
Because you were chosen by your dad
535
00:26:29,460 --> 00:26:31,979
To me you all score zero
536
00:26:31,980 --> 00:26:33,899
My name is Emperor Nero
537
00:26:33,900 --> 00:26:37,499
Evil men you're not I'm the worstest of the lot
538
00:26:37,500 --> 00:26:38,499
Wooh!
539
00:26:38,500 --> 00:26:40,419
My rule was full of fear-oh!
540
00:26:40,420 --> 00:26:42,619
Yes men from far and near-oh!
541
00:26:42,620 --> 00:26:46,579
Called me a fighting
hero Or I would have them slain
542
00:26:46,580 --> 00:26:48,699
Changed the Olympic season
543
00:26:48,700 --> 00:26:50,579
So the medals went to me, son
544
00:26:50,580 --> 00:26:53,179
Burned Christians for no reason
545
00:26:53,180 --> 00:26:54,939
Just a fun game I played, you know
546
00:26:54,940 --> 00:26:58,579
Poisoned my stepbrother
Ordered men to kill my mother
547
00:26:58,580 --> 00:27:00,419
Tried to drown her but she fled
548
00:27:00,420 --> 00:27:03,379
So I had her stabbed instead, oh! #
549
00:27:03,380 --> 00:27:05,059
Wait, there's more.
550
00:27:05,060 --> 00:27:07,379
With my first wife, dear Octavia
551
00:27:07,380 --> 00:27:09,659
I showed truly bad behaviour
552
00:27:09,660 --> 00:27:11,579
Chopped her head off gave it to
553
00:27:11,580 --> 00:27:13,619
My girlfriend who I then killed too
554
00:27:13,620 --> 00:27:18,019
I'm bad so baddy Of badness I'm the daddy
555
00:27:18,020 --> 00:27:22,179
Come on, I want to see
A more evil bloke than me, ha!
556
00:27:22,180 --> 00:27:24,019
You're bad Real bad
557
00:27:24,020 --> 00:27:26,539
Nothing more to add
558
00:27:26,540 --> 00:27:28,379
We all thought that we were awful
559
00:27:28,380 --> 00:27:34,059
But you are really truly ma-a-d
560
00:27:34,060 --> 00:27:35,139
Woo-hoo! #
561
00:27:35,140 --> 00:27:38,019
I'm the baddest emperor the Romans ever had.
562
00:27:38,020 --> 00:27:40,819
Tall tales atrocious acts
We gave you all the fearsome facts
563
00:27:40,820 --> 00:27:43,499
- The ugly truth... #
- Want some more Horrible Histories?
564
00:27:43,500 --> 00:27:45,579
Then come with me down the Time Sewers.
565
00:27:45,580 --> 00:27:49,059
Just go to the CBBC website
and click on Horrible Histories.
566
00:27:49,060 --> 00:27:50,540
See you down there.
567
00:27:52,380 --> 00:27:54,419
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
568
00:27:54,420 --> 00:27:56,460
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
569
00:27:56,510 --> 00:28:01,060
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
46054
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