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Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians
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Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
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Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights
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Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
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Vicious vikings, cruel crimes
Punishments from ancient times
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Romans rotten, rank and ruthless
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Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless
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Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages
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Gory stories, we do that
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And your host, a talking rat
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The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
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Horrible Histories. #
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If you were very rich in Tudor times
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then your diet tended to be, well, very rich.
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Would you like a body like this?
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I'll bet you would! Well, now you can
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thanks to the Henry VIII
Tudor Diet Plan - out now!
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Just seven hours dedicated feasting a day
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and you too could have a body to die for.
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5,000 calories a day, every day
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and 13 courses at every meal.
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With the Henry VIII Tudor Diet
Plan, you get all of your five a day.
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That's five massive portions of meat!
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Ho-ho-ho! Of course, it's also important
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to consume the right amount of vegetables.
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That's none at all.
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Rarr! Rah! Vegetables are for peasants!
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Sometimes I get so hungry, I eat the plate. Mm!
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Obviously, it's not a real plate.
This one's made of pure sugar. Mm!
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Water's important too.
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It's important that you avoid it like the plague.
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It's filthy! Seriously,
Tudor water is filthy. Bleargh!
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And finally, it's vitally important
you don't take any exercise at all.
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With all the rich food,
you'll find it very difficult
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to move around. Just sit
on your throne and take it easy.
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PARP!
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The Henry VIII Tudor Diet Plan,
for weight watchers everywhere.
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Just watch your weight go up and up!
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Posh Tudors believed uncooked
vegetables were indigestible
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and carried disease. Huh, as if!
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Me, I always eat my greens.
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Well, green slugs and caterpillars anyway.
They're yummy. Ha-ha!
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Henry's dreadful diet meant
he got massively overweight
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and he suffered from gout and diabetes
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and you really didn't want
to get sick in the Tudor era.
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Don't worry. Help's on its way.
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- BELL RINGING
- I think that's probably them now.
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Make way! Make way!
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- Historical paramedics.
- Look, Jeff, a lady. - I concur.
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- I'll take her pulse.
- No, she might need it.
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BOTH: Ha-ha-ha!
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- I'm sorry, are you qualified?
- Even better.
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- We're Tudors. What seems to be the problem?
- I don't know.
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She didn't feel well in the supermarket.
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- Then she fainted.
- Sounds like she's suffering from...
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- Sickness!
- I concur.
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We must act fast. You, sir!
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- Are you a villain, a scoundrel, a rapscallion?
- What?
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We urgently need a criminal.
This woman's life may depend upon it.
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- Well, I stole a packet of biscuits once.
- Ooh!
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Can we cut off your head, dry your skull
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and feed its powdered scrapings
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to this lady?
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Blast! He ran away before we could get an answer!
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We've no time to lose, shall we use spiders?
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- Yes!
- Do you have any butter?
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Er, I have this low-fat cholesterol
busting olive oil spread?
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Don't know what that means, but it'll do.
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We cover the live spiders in butter,
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feed them to the patient
and - bang! - sickness gone
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- Oh, Jeff.
- What?
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- I forgot to feed the spiders.
- Are you insane in ye brain?
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We can't feed her dead, buttered spiders.
That's just crazy.
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- I'm so sorry.
- What else do you have?
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- I have this human bone.
- Excellent. Bone marrow and sweat,
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- a sure tonic for sickness.
- Madam,
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may I rub this bone on
your armpit? Oh, she's gone.
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Honestly, it's like these people
don't want her to get better!
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There's only one thing for it.
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BOTH: Fustigation!
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What's fustigation?
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A very technical procedure.
You'll want to stand back.
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We literally beat the sickness out of her.
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That's ridiculous,
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- you can't do that!
- Wait, wait, wait!
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- I hear wheezing.
- Yes, she's got asthma.
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- Do you have a frog in your throat!
- No. - Then why ever not, madam?
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- Nigel, put a frog in this lady's throat!
- What do you mean, a frog?
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A dead frog in the windpipe
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- is the best cure for asthma.
- Stop being so stupid!
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This is all she needs. Here you are.
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'Tis witchcraft!
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- Back away, witch!
- Back away from the witch.
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- I'll take the spread.
- Use not your black magic on me, witch.
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- Now run away!
- Run away! - Run away!
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Oh, no. Jane, bring the sponges.
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Looks like they've tried
the buttered spiders again.
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Hello, and welcome to Horrible Points of View.
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We've a bit of a backlog here at the BBC
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and we've just got round to the
correspondence from the Celtic era.
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Actually, there are hardly
any letters in the bag,
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because in Celtic times,
most people didn't write.
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Stories were handed down by word of mouth,
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usually in the form of poetry,
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but we do have a couple here
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from viewers who went along
to see one Celtic poet perform.
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A three hour poem?! Still, I suppose
it's better than some of the acts
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on Britain's Got Talent!
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HE SNIGGERS
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Other viewers wanted to know...
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Well, who better to ask than the man himself.
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To learn all my poems took twelve years or more.
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My teacher would make me lie on the floor
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with a stone on my belly, A weird old sensation
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and a bag on my head to aid concentration.
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So why spend so long being treated like trash?
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Cos a qualified poet earns loads of cash.
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APPLAUSE
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Thank you, thank you. I'm here
all week, half price on Thursdays.
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Imagine having to make everything rhyme?
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I'd do it myself, but I haven't the time.
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Celtic poets really did take
12 years to learn all their poems.
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Imagine their school timetable.
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Poetry, poetry, followed by double
poetry, triple poetry and poetry.
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The poets were the rock stars of their day
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and they were well looked
after wherever they went.
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Shame the Celts weren't as nice to their animals.
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I don't care if it does make a woolly jumper,
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you shouldn't be conducting
the kind of genetic research
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that leads to crossing a sheep with a kangaroo.
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- Hello. Can I have a horse, please? A fast one.
- For racing?
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No, for eating. I'm an ancient Celt
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and we believe that by eating a
fast horse, it makes us faster runners.
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Look, I'm sorry. This
is a pet shop, not a butcher's.
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We sell smallish animals for the family.
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Can I have a dog, please?
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There you go! Certainly! What kind you after?
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Ooh, Labradoodles are very popular at the moment.
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Very affectionate, great
for people with allergies.
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- No, I'm after one that can tell me the future.
- You want a talking dog?
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No! Dogs don't talk, love. No, no, no.
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But if you kill them and eat their
flesh, they will talk to you in a vision.
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Yeah, go on, out you go! Go on! Walkies!
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If I promise not to hurt
it, can I have a dog, please?
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- Do you promise?
- Yeah.
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I cross my heart and hope to die in battle
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and then be reborn and then die again in battle.
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Eurgh! And then be reborn
and die again in battle.
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You shouldn't be in charge
of scissors, let alone pets!
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Can I have a dog, please?
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What kind are you after?
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One with a massive tongue so it'll lick this. Ah!
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- Argh!
- Yeah, well, Celts believe it'll heal the wound.
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Er, well, we're all out of dogs. Sorry. Goodbye.
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Can I have a cat, please?
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I'm not going to sell you any pet
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that you're going to eat,
kill, tell the future with,
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- or get to lick your wounds.
- No, I won't!
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We think cats are lucky.
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If I sell you a cat, will
you clear off and never come back?
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Yeah. As long as it's a quiet one.
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I'm going to take it home
and brick it up in the house walls.
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What?
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Oh, come on! You know the saying.
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Lucky cat in the walls. Lucky home.
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Hello and welcome to The News At When.
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When? The 1400s, when the
kings of England ended up fighting
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a gruesome war with their own relatives
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for the right to the crown.
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Here with more details is Bob
Hale with the War of the Roses report.
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Thank you, Sam. The year is 1453
and that right there is Henry VI,
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though he could be Henry The Sick
because, mentally, he's rather ill.
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So unwell that he can't run the country any more.
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So his cousin, Richard Sillyname, turns up
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and says he'll be Lord Protector,
meaning he'll run the country
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while the King is ill.
What a lovely chap! Or is he?
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50 years ago, Richard's
great-great-grandpa, Richard II,
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was kicked off the throne by Henry's
great-great-grandpa, Henry IV.
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So these two sides of the
family aren't exactly best buds,
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so the second Henry is
better, he takes back his crown
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and, fearing cousin Dicky
might still be bearing a grudge,
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has him kicked out of court.
Boom! Good shot. What does Dicky do?
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Well, since Henry is from the House of Lancaster,
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whose symbol is a red rose,
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and since cousin Dicky is from the House of York,
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whose symbol is a white
rose, and since this report is on
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the War of the Roses, you
can see where this is going.
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Yep, it's war!
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Dicky's men, the Yorkies, win the first battle
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where Henry's Lancastrian Army run away.
So fast, in fact,
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they leave poor Henry sitting alone in a tent
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having once again fallen ill.
Again, Dicky becomes Lord Protector,
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and again Henry gets better, and
again, Dicky is kicked out of court.
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Boom! Good shot.
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Luckily, the Archbishop of Canterbury steps in
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and sorts everything out by inventing Love Day
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where Yorkies and Lancastrians
walk the High Street
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holding hands. I'm not making that up.
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So it's all peace and
love and harmony and kissing,
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although probably not the last
one, and that is the end of that.
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Or so we thought! 1459 and
Dicky tries again but fails.
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Yes, it's the Yorkies'
turn to run away this time,
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but not that far away, because
the next year they try again.
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The Battle of Northampton
this time, where the Yorkies win
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and the Lancastrians run
away, leaving Henry behind, again
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and he's found alone in his tent, again.
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And guess what? He's ill again.
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So once again, Dicky becomes
Lord Protector, meaning final victory
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goes to the Yorkies and that really,
really, really is the end of that!
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Or so we thought!
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Henry might be ill, but
his wife refuses to give up.
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So she nips up to Scotland and borrows an army
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and, what do you know, restarts the whole war.
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She socks it to the Yorkies
at the Battle of Wakefield,
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which has this effect on old Dicky Boy.
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He fainted! No, not really! He's only dead.
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Killed in battle, leaving his son Eddy to pick up
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where Daddy left off,
getting beaten by Mrs Henry.
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But Eddy's in luck. The people
are suspicious of Mrs Henry's
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Scottish army and decide they'd
rather have Eddy in charge.
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He's crowned, Yorkies win, Lancastrians lose
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and that's the end. Really,
honestly this time. I promise.
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Or so we thought!
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Time for the biggest battle of the entire war,
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It's bigger than that. Bigger.
Yep, that's about right.
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80,000 soldiers, 20,000 killed.
It's a massive, horrible bloodbath
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that sees final victory go to...
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the Yorkies, yes!
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Mr and Mrs Henry run away,
Eddy has his coronation,
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becoming King Edward IV,
the country is filled with peace
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and rainbows and prancing
lambs and pretty coloured flags.
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But not for long! Eddy falls
out with his chief advisor,
233
00:11:32,740 --> 00:11:34,779
the Earl of Warwick, which is a bad move.
234
00:11:34,780 --> 00:11:37,939
Warwick is known as the Kingmaker
and he promptly makes a king.
235
00:11:37,940 --> 00:11:41,299
He brings back - yep, you've
guessed it - Henry VI. Remember him?
236
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:45,339
Well, you can forget him, because
in 1471 Warwick is killed in battle,
237
00:11:45,340 --> 00:11:48,739
Henry is executed, and Edward
can take back the crown for the Yorkies
238
00:11:48,740 --> 00:11:51,259
and rule the country very
nicely for years and years
239
00:11:51,260 --> 00:11:53,339
and that's the end of the War of the Roses.
240
00:11:53,340 --> 00:11:56,259
Honestly this time, properly
and forever, I swear.
241
00:11:56,260 --> 00:11:59,779
Unless you count where Eddy dies,
his brother Richard III takes over,
242
00:11:59,780 --> 00:12:01,539
THEN loses the crown to Henry Tudor.
243
00:12:01,540 --> 00:12:04,459
But that's unimportant.
Who's ever heard of the Tudors?
244
00:12:04,460 --> 00:12:06,699
AUDIENCE: Everybody's heard of the Tudors!
245
00:12:06,700 --> 00:12:09,459
All right, I know everyone
has, it was only a joke!
246
00:12:09,460 --> 00:12:12,100
Honestly, what is it with you people?!
247
00:12:13,260 --> 00:12:17,059
Richard III was a mean old murderous monster.
248
00:12:17,060 --> 00:12:18,180
or was he?
249
00:12:21,260 --> 00:12:27,019
I was sure that you'd
love me to that hope I did cling
250
00:12:27,020 --> 00:12:33,779
Cos I'm Richard III and everybody loves a king
251
00:12:33,780 --> 00:12:37,179
Thought I did a good job Why do you disagree
252
00:12:37,180 --> 00:12:40,579
There's a lot of people
spreading nasty rumours 'bout me
253
00:12:40,580 --> 00:12:43,659
Every word is a lie so I'm singing this song
254
00:12:43,660 --> 00:12:47,379
Cos the history books
have been telling it wrong
255
00:12:47,380 --> 00:12:50,379
Never had a limp Walked my full height
256
00:12:50,380 --> 00:12:53,299
Never had a hump and my arm was all right
257
00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:56,539
Never took the crown with illegal power
258
00:12:56,540 --> 00:12:59,899
Never killed my nephews
the princes in the tower
259
00:12:59,900 --> 00:13:06,019
Tudor propaganda, it's all absurd
260
00:13:06,020 --> 00:13:11,060
Time to tell the truth about King Richard III
261
00:13:12,980 --> 00:13:18,819
My brother Edward died
His kids too young to rule
262
00:13:18,820 --> 00:13:24,539
So I took the throne Why not? I'm nobody's fool
263
00:13:24,540 --> 00:13:28,659
Thomas More wrote a history
said I murdered Edward's boys
264
00:13:28,660 --> 00:13:31,819
Shakespeare said their death was an evil ploy
265
00:13:31,820 --> 00:13:35,219
But I say those two are historical vandals
266
00:13:35,220 --> 00:13:37,699
They've ruined my image I mean, what a scandal!
267
00:13:37,700 --> 00:13:41,699
Never bumped off those harmless young heirs
268
00:13:41,700 --> 00:13:44,499
Never buried them under
the Tower of London stairs
269
00:13:44,500 --> 00:13:48,179
Never poisoned my wife Bumped off her daddy
270
00:13:48,180 --> 00:13:51,059
This is me, Sweet Richard
Do I look like a baddie?
271
00:13:51,060 --> 00:13:57,499
Never was two-faced Sure you'll agree
272
00:13:57,500 --> 00:14:02,620
I was misunderstood King Richard three
273
00:14:04,220 --> 00:14:07,219
Can you imagine it? I'm the last Plantagenet
274
00:14:07,220 --> 00:14:10,419
Beaten by Henry in the Wars of the Roses
275
00:14:10,420 --> 00:14:13,459
The Tudor dynasty didn't care that much for me
276
00:14:13,460 --> 00:14:17,699
Now I'm painted as a
baddie That's why one supposes
277
00:14:17,700 --> 00:14:20,179
Never forget when you hear of my crimes
278
00:14:20,180 --> 00:14:23,059
Never drowned my brother
in a massive vat of wine
279
00:14:23,060 --> 00:14:26,259
Never said "A horse! My kingdom for a horse!"
280
00:14:26,260 --> 00:14:29,459
Who made that up? Why,
William Shakespeare, of course
281
00:14:29,460 --> 00:14:34,300
Now my tale is told you won't hear a bad word
282
00:14:36,180 --> 00:14:40,739
About a special ruler King Richard III. #
283
00:14:40,740 --> 00:14:42,219
I'm a nice guy.
284
00:14:42,220 --> 00:14:44,259
BUZZING
285
00:14:44,260 --> 00:14:46,259
Oh, there's a wasp, there's a wasp!
286
00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:49,379
There's a wasp, a wasp! Ah, there's a wasp.
Ah, there's a wasp!
287
00:14:49,380 --> 00:14:52,539
Yes, people think Richard III was a monster
288
00:14:52,540 --> 00:14:54,899
because of how he was portrayed by Shakespeare
289
00:14:54,900 --> 00:14:56,939
in the play, Richard III.
290
00:14:56,940 --> 00:14:59,659
But Shakespeare was out
to please Queen Elizabeth I,
291
00:14:59,660 --> 00:15:04,059
and by making Richard III a monster,
he showed that her grandfather,
292
00:15:04,060 --> 00:15:06,779
Henry Tudor, was right to take the throne.
293
00:15:06,780 --> 00:15:09,899
So Richard probably wasn't really all that bad.
294
00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:15,259
Woo-hoo, I suddenly came across all brainy.
Do you know what?
295
00:15:15,260 --> 00:15:18,060
I feel quite faint.
296
00:15:22,940 --> 00:15:27,139
In ancient Mexico, us Aztecs
ate all sorts of unusual stuff
297
00:15:27,140 --> 00:15:31,259
like monkeys, frogs and lizards.
But at a certain time of the year,
298
00:15:31,260 --> 00:15:33,420
our diet wasn't nearly as interesting.
299
00:15:34,580 --> 00:15:36,739
Previously on Aztec Come Dine With Me,
300
00:15:36,740 --> 00:15:39,619
Memexi served up a meal of maize and beans.
301
00:15:39,620 --> 00:15:41,739
Ooh! Thank you.
302
00:15:41,740 --> 00:15:43,619
Come here, maize and beans!
303
00:15:43,620 --> 00:15:45,939
Chantico prepared a dish of maize and beans.
304
00:15:45,940 --> 00:15:49,699
So, it's maize and beans.
Can I get you one of these?
305
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:51,699
- Oh, yes.
- Everyone for beans?
306
00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:52,899
Oh, yes, please.
307
00:15:52,900 --> 00:15:55,259
And Tenook cooked maize and beans
308
00:15:55,260 --> 00:15:56,619
with a side order of beans.
309
00:15:56,620 --> 00:15:57,859
Quelle surprise!
310
00:15:57,860 --> 00:15:59,379
LAUGHTER
311
00:15:59,380 --> 00:16:00,419
Yes it's, er...
312
00:16:00,420 --> 00:16:02,420
BREAKS WIND
313
00:16:03,660 --> 00:16:07,019
It's the final dinner party.
Can't wait to find out
314
00:16:07,020 --> 00:16:09,939
what Atzi's going to be
cooking for her guests tonight.
315
00:16:09,940 --> 00:16:13,259
I've decided to cook maize and beans.
316
00:16:13,260 --> 00:16:14,659
Oh!
317
00:16:14,660 --> 00:16:17,059
Cos I don't have any choice.
318
00:16:17,060 --> 00:16:22,259
In the Aztec calendar, it's
the days of eating maize and beans
319
00:16:22,260 --> 00:16:24,819
when we just eat maize and beans.
320
00:16:24,820 --> 00:16:26,099
PARP!
321
00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:27,299
For 19 days.
322
00:16:27,300 --> 00:16:30,139
It's to celebrate the end of the dry season.
323
00:16:30,140 --> 00:16:32,819
Yes, and the beginning of the windy one!
324
00:16:32,820 --> 00:16:36,739
It's hot and sticky in the kitchen
and Atzi hasn't started cooking.
325
00:16:36,740 --> 00:16:39,819
Now the guests are arriving. That's no good.
326
00:16:39,820 --> 00:16:42,379
- Can I take your blanket?
- Yeah.
327
00:16:42,380 --> 00:16:45,899
- You look fabulous. Really nice.
- Oh, so do you. You look fantastic!
328
00:16:45,900 --> 00:16:49,219
Now, I'm just in the kitchen.
So just help yourselves to cactus wine.
329
00:16:49,220 --> 00:16:51,299
Thank you. Oh, right!
330
00:16:51,300 --> 00:16:54,139
Cactus wine!? I hope
they've taken the spikes out!
331
00:16:54,140 --> 00:16:57,819
Meanwhile, back in the kitchen,
Atzi prepares the sacred maize
332
00:16:57,820 --> 00:17:01,659
in the traditional Aztec
manner, by blowing on it.
333
00:17:01,660 --> 00:17:02,699
PRRRT!
334
00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:04,539
Well, that's one way of doing it.
335
00:17:04,540 --> 00:17:05,979
Oh, no!
336
00:17:05,980 --> 00:17:08,939
Please tell me you're not
using that maize on the floor!
337
00:17:08,940 --> 00:17:14,459
Maize is sacred to us Aztecs,
so not a single grain must be wasted.
338
00:17:14,460 --> 00:17:16,500
PARP!
339
00:17:19,060 --> 00:17:21,819
It is me or is it a bit draughty in here?
340
00:17:21,820 --> 00:17:22,859
It's you!
341
00:17:22,860 --> 00:17:26,259
It's time for dinner and before
the main course of maize and beans,
342
00:17:26,260 --> 00:17:29,699
Atzi has prepared a surprise starter.
343
00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:32,139
It's maize and beans!
344
00:17:32,140 --> 00:17:33,899
- Ooh!
- Love it.
345
00:17:33,900 --> 00:17:36,659
- That is my favourite.
- Mine too.
346
00:17:36,660 --> 00:17:40,739
Several plates of maize and
beans later, it's time for Atzi
347
00:17:40,740 --> 00:17:44,499
to entertain her guests by
playing a tune on her Aztec pipes.
348
00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:45,899
PANPIPES
349
00:17:45,900 --> 00:17:48,299
While the other guests give
a blast on THEIR Aztec pipes.
350
00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:49,339
PARP!
351
00:17:49,340 --> 00:17:50,379
PRRT!
352
00:17:50,380 --> 00:17:52,259
Go on, fella!
353
00:17:52,260 --> 00:17:55,379
Time for the all-important scores.
354
00:17:55,380 --> 00:17:58,859
A three from Memexi.
355
00:17:58,860 --> 00:18:02,259
Seven from Chantico.
356
00:18:02,260 --> 00:18:04,259
And a big fat one from Tenook.
357
00:18:04,260 --> 00:18:05,659
PARP!
358
00:18:05,660 --> 00:18:07,499
Who gives Atzi ten out of ten.
359
00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:10,619
Which means that Atzi is the
winner of this week's cash prize,
360
00:18:10,620 --> 00:18:12,459
1,000 beans.
361
00:18:12,460 --> 00:18:14,259
1,000 beans?
362
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:20,459
Relax, they're cocoa beans for making chocolate.
It's Aztec money.
363
00:18:20,460 --> 00:18:22,259
Aah!
364
00:18:22,260 --> 00:18:23,299
Yeah!
365
00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:24,979
PRRT!
366
00:18:24,980 --> 00:18:26,899
Yeah, when I said relax...
367
00:18:26,900 --> 00:18:29,339
Next week on Aztec Come Dine With Me,
368
00:18:29,340 --> 00:18:33,580
it's the days of swallowing
water snakes and frogs. Can't wait.
369
00:18:47,540 --> 00:18:48,939
The answer is...
370
00:18:48,940 --> 00:18:52,739
B. The Aztecs held ceremonies
where they stretched children's necks
371
00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:54,420
to make them taller.
372
00:19:03,980 --> 00:19:06,580
Grr, get back here! Come on!
373
00:19:09,260 --> 00:19:10,980
Grr!
374
00:19:13,020 --> 00:19:15,499
Grr!
375
00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:17,139
What are you doing, man?
376
00:19:17,140 --> 00:19:21,459
The woods are teeming with wildlife.
You won't catch anything standing there.
377
00:19:21,460 --> 00:19:24,099
Come on, let's get hunting. Woo! Rarr!
378
00:19:24,100 --> 00:19:26,579
No thanks. I'm not a hunter.
379
00:19:26,580 --> 00:19:29,819
Whoa! Back up, give a brother room.
What do you mean, not a hunter?
380
00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:31,579
We're Stone Age. It's what we do.
381
00:19:31,580 --> 00:19:33,939
We chase after wild animals, day in, day out
382
00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:36,579
until they get exhausted and we skewer 'em!
383
00:19:36,580 --> 00:19:39,499
Well, I'm not a hunter. I'm a farmer.
384
00:19:39,500 --> 00:19:43,139
- A fah-ma?
- Yes, a farmer, I farm stuff.
385
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:47,419
Basically, I got fed up of chasing
animals about the countryside,
386
00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:49,419
never staying in the same place twice,
387
00:19:49,420 --> 00:19:51,179
so I set myself up a home here.
388
00:19:51,180 --> 00:19:52,499
A hoom?
389
00:19:52,500 --> 00:19:54,459
Yeah, a home. This could take a while.
390
00:19:54,460 --> 00:19:55,979
Yes, I live here.
391
00:19:55,980 --> 00:19:58,499
I have plenty of livestock in my paddock
392
00:19:58,500 --> 00:20:01,819
and whenever I need meat
I just go over and kill it.
393
00:20:01,820 --> 00:20:04,659
What, you don't have to chase after it?
394
00:20:04,660 --> 00:20:06,419
- No. It's tied up.
- That's cool!
395
00:20:06,420 --> 00:20:10,219
I quite like the sound
of being a fah-ma with a hoom.
396
00:20:10,220 --> 00:20:12,499
And I plant and grow all my own vegetables.
397
00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:13,899
Vegballs.
398
00:20:13,900 --> 00:20:16,179
- Vegetables.
- Ve-ge-tibbles.
399
00:20:16,180 --> 00:20:20,420
Like cabbage and spinach and onions
and carrots and garlic. Try this.
400
00:20:24,811 --> 00:20:26,899
No, I don't like it.
401
00:20:26,900 --> 00:20:28,700
Here, wash it down with this.
402
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:31,700
It's milk from the animals.
403
00:20:33,180 --> 00:20:34,859
It is a little hard to swallow.
404
00:20:34,860 --> 00:20:38,419
I think I'll stick to being a hunter, thanks.
405
00:20:38,420 --> 00:20:41,260
OK then. More for me!
406
00:20:45,060 --> 00:20:47,379
Yeah, keep it down now, keep it down.
407
00:20:47,380 --> 00:20:51,859
Ha-ha! When Stone Age men
first started drinking animal milk,
408
00:20:51,860 --> 00:20:54,619
their bodies hadn't learnt
how to digest it properly
409
00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:57,299
so they would have been sick a lot.
410
00:20:57,300 --> 00:21:01,139
Anyone fancy a nice bowl
of puke-o-pops? Ha-ha-ha!
411
00:21:01,140 --> 00:21:06,259
Yes, it was a key moment
in the evolution of Stone Age man
412
00:21:06,260 --> 00:21:10,179
as, believe it or not,
was the invention of string.
413
00:21:10,180 --> 00:21:14,220
Hi, I'm a shouty man and
I'm here to tell you about...
414
00:21:15,860 --> 00:21:18,339
It's the exciting, technological breakthrough
415
00:21:18,340 --> 00:21:20,419
set to revolutionise the Stone Age.
416
00:21:20,420 --> 00:21:22,299
Are you tired of hunting with rocks?
417
00:21:22,300 --> 00:21:23,739
Yeah!
418
00:21:23,740 --> 00:21:26,539
- Oh!
- Then simply use new multi-purpose string
419
00:21:26,540 --> 00:21:29,299
to tie a sharp flint to
a long stick and - bingo! -
420
00:21:29,300 --> 00:21:30,860
you've got yourself a spear.
421
00:21:32,180 --> 00:21:34,779
- It should be the pointy end first.
- Arr!
422
00:21:34,780 --> 00:21:39,659
You can also use new multi-purpose
string to make this bow and arrow.
423
00:21:39,660 --> 00:21:41,859
You're supposed to fire the pointy end!
424
00:21:41,860 --> 00:21:43,779
- Sorry, mate.
- And that's not all.
425
00:21:43,780 --> 00:21:46,059
New multi-purpose string can also be used
426
00:21:46,060 --> 00:21:47,859
to make this tasteful shell necklace.
427
00:21:47,860 --> 00:21:51,019
Wurrgh! Necklace nice.
428
00:21:51,020 --> 00:21:54,539
Ho-ho! Flowers nice.
429
00:21:54,540 --> 00:21:58,579
- Flowers not for you. Flowers to make string.
- That's right.
430
00:21:58,580 --> 00:22:02,019
New multi-purpose string is
made from the flowering plant, flax,
431
00:22:02,020 --> 00:22:03,979
so it's 100% organic.
432
00:22:03,980 --> 00:22:06,379
Here's the not-so-sciencey bit!
433
00:22:06,380 --> 00:22:09,179
Flax is a tough plant,
full of strong, woody fibres.
434
00:22:09,180 --> 00:22:12,259
Simply extract these fibres
from the stem of the plant
435
00:22:12,260 --> 00:22:15,699
and twist them with other
fibres for added stringy strength.
436
00:22:15,700 --> 00:22:19,419
Honey, I'm home! Me bring meat.
437
00:22:19,420 --> 00:22:23,219
Why not use new multi-purpose
string to make yourself a string bag?
438
00:22:23,220 --> 00:22:25,779
It's up to a bit percent better at carrying stuff
439
00:22:25,780 --> 00:22:27,739
than using your bare hands.
440
00:22:27,740 --> 00:22:30,899
Honey, I'm home! Me bring more meat!
441
00:22:30,900 --> 00:22:34,219
Warning, do not use string bag to carry berries.
442
00:22:34,220 --> 00:22:35,859
What else string do?
443
00:22:35,860 --> 00:22:37,419
How long is a piece of string?
444
00:22:37,420 --> 00:22:41,819
Easy. One, 20, 32...
445
00:22:41,820 --> 00:22:45,739
New multi-purpose string.
Available from all leading fields.
446
00:22:45,740 --> 00:22:50,740
29, 30... Ooh! No, it is difficult, actually.
447
00:22:55,340 --> 00:23:00,019
We Georgians all loved our
great naval Commander, Lord Nelson.
448
00:23:00,020 --> 00:23:02,259
The Battle of Trafalgar was his finest hour
449
00:23:02,260 --> 00:23:05,339
but also, sadly, his last.
450
00:23:05,340 --> 00:23:08,219
Quick as you can, Dr Beatty. It's Lord Nelson,
451
00:23:08,220 --> 00:23:10,299
he's been shot. I think he may be dying.
452
00:23:10,300 --> 00:23:13,579
Ah, Dr Beatty. Sorry to
have to drag you down here.
453
00:23:13,580 --> 00:23:16,979
Hardy's a bit of a fusspot. I trust you are well?
454
00:23:16,980 --> 00:23:20,539
Never better, but I'm sure it's
your health we should worry about.
455
00:23:20,540 --> 00:23:22,059
EXPLOSION
456
00:23:22,060 --> 00:23:24,219
Ah, stuff and nonsense, Dr Beatty!
457
00:23:24,220 --> 00:23:27,739
Just a trifling fatal injury
from a French sniper rifle.
458
00:23:27,740 --> 00:23:31,379
Heaven knows how the blighter managed
to pick me out on the crowded deck.
459
00:23:31,380 --> 00:23:34,499
Well, with all due respect,
you do stand out a little bit.
460
00:23:34,500 --> 00:23:37,379
You may as well have, "Shoot
Me" written on your forehead.
461
00:23:37,380 --> 00:23:40,499
Bullet ripped through my
shoulder, passed through my chest
462
00:23:40,500 --> 00:23:42,379
and lodged somewhere in my spine.
463
00:23:42,380 --> 00:23:44,619
You ask me, it's a darn inconvenience!
464
00:23:44,620 --> 00:23:45,659
EXPLOSION
465
00:23:45,660 --> 00:23:48,019
Doctor, is there anything you can do for him?
466
00:23:48,020 --> 00:23:49,379
I'm just a ship surgeon,
467
00:23:49,380 --> 00:23:53,059
bit out of my depth with internal
bleeding and spinal injuries.
468
00:23:53,060 --> 00:23:55,499
Hacking off damaged limbs is more my forte.
469
00:23:55,500 --> 00:23:56,539
CHEERING
470
00:23:56,540 --> 00:23:59,019
Another French ship has surrendered, sir.
471
00:23:59,020 --> 00:24:03,379
You're about to win Trafalgar.
The greatest sea battle of all time.
472
00:24:03,380 --> 00:24:05,419
Just as well, Hardy.
473
00:24:05,420 --> 00:24:08,779
I'd look pretty stupid after
naming MY flagship The Victory, what?
474
00:24:08,780 --> 00:24:09,979
LAUGHTER
475
00:24:09,980 --> 00:24:11,619
Ah, good. Yes!
476
00:24:11,620 --> 00:24:13,779
- Oh, God.
- Admiral, we're losing him.
477
00:24:13,780 --> 00:24:15,620
Kiss me, Hardy.
478
00:24:17,020 --> 00:24:19,939
Sorry, did he just say, "Kiss me, Hardy?"
479
00:24:19,940 --> 00:24:23,539
- It sounded more like "Kismet."
- Sorry, what's Kismet."
480
00:24:23,540 --> 00:24:26,459
Well, I think it means
fate or destiny or something.
481
00:24:26,460 --> 00:24:31,739
Oh, right. I might kiss him anyway,
just in case that's what he wanted.
482
00:24:31,740 --> 00:24:34,179
Really? Well, no, no, no.
483
00:24:34,180 --> 00:24:38,139
If he was saying that this was
his destiny and you do kiss him,
484
00:24:38,140 --> 00:24:40,059
then forever more, people will think
485
00:24:40,060 --> 00:24:42,699
Britain's greatest ever
naval hero, on his deathbed,
486
00:24:42,700 --> 00:24:46,539
- asked his right-hand man for a bit of snog when he didn't.
- OK.
487
00:24:46,540 --> 00:24:50,259
Well, um, how about I split
the difference and give him a hug?
488
00:24:50,260 --> 00:24:53,580
Yeah, give him a hug. Everyone loves a hug.
489
00:24:56,611 --> 00:24:58,699
Finished?
490
00:24:58,700 --> 00:25:00,939
Not yet.
491
00:25:00,940 --> 00:25:03,219
Yep, we're good.
492
00:25:03,220 --> 00:25:07,539
Hardy did actually kiss
Nelson, twice on the cheek.
493
00:25:07,540 --> 00:25:10,299
The Battle of Trafalgar
was a famous British victory
494
00:25:10,300 --> 00:25:13,259
but, on receiving news of
Nelson's death, King George III
495
00:25:13,260 --> 00:25:18,979
is believed to have said, "We
have lost more than we have gained."
496
00:25:18,980 --> 00:25:20,659
That is such a sad death.
497
00:25:20,660 --> 00:25:23,259
I thought this was supposed to be a funny show?
498
00:25:23,260 --> 00:25:24,539
What's that?
499
00:25:24,540 --> 00:25:27,820
We've got a stupid one up next? Oh, goody!
500
00:25:29,980 --> 00:25:32,339
Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
501
00:25:32,340 --> 00:25:34,499
They're funny cos they're true
502
00:25:34,500 --> 00:25:37,219
Whoo! Stupid deaths, Stupid deaths
503
00:25:37,220 --> 00:25:40,339
Hope next time it's not you. Hee-hee!
504
00:25:40,340 --> 00:25:43,619
Well, yes, I do use conditioner.
Is it that obvious?
505
00:25:43,620 --> 00:25:45,099
What do you use?
506
00:25:45,100 --> 00:25:47,939
Oh, look lively, we've got company. And you are?
507
00:25:47,940 --> 00:25:50,299
Maria, Countess of Coventry.
508
00:25:50,300 --> 00:25:52,579
All right then, Grandma. Tell us your story.
509
00:25:52,580 --> 00:25:54,699
Grandma?! I'm only 27!
510
00:25:54,700 --> 00:25:59,339
Only 27?! What happened to you?
An explosion in a white paint shop?
511
00:25:59,340 --> 00:26:02,819
No. Actually, I used to
be something of a society beauty,
512
00:26:02,820 --> 00:26:04,579
but I was prone to the odd spot.
513
00:26:04,580 --> 00:26:06,899
- Oh, yes.
- So I covered them up with ceruse,
514
00:26:06,900 --> 00:26:09,379
a Georgian make-up, and that worked a treat.
515
00:26:09,380 --> 00:26:11,899
But I got more blemishes,
so I applied more make-up.
516
00:26:11,900 --> 00:26:13,939
Well, you would. Wouldn't you?
517
00:26:13,940 --> 00:26:15,979
Turns out it contains white lead.
518
00:26:15,980 --> 00:26:17,739
Oh, that can't be good for you.
519
00:26:17,740 --> 00:26:20,539
No, it's poisonous and it
causes blemishes on the skin.
520
00:26:20,540 --> 00:26:24,099
Which you needed to cover
up with more white lead make-up?
521
00:26:24,100 --> 00:26:25,139
Exactly.
522
00:26:25,140 --> 00:26:28,099
More blemishes, more make-
up, more blemishes, more make-up,
523
00:26:28,100 --> 00:26:31,019
- more blemishes, more make-up.
- Uh-huh, yes?
524
00:26:31,020 --> 00:26:32,859
Until I died of lead poisoning.
525
00:26:32,860 --> 00:26:35,699
You did? Aha-ha-ha-ha!
526
00:26:35,700 --> 00:26:37,179
HE LAUGHS
527
00:26:37,180 --> 00:26:39,659
You're as thick as your make-up!
528
00:26:39,660 --> 00:26:43,739
Ooh! If looks could kill! And they did - you!
529
00:26:43,740 --> 00:26:46,139
HE LAUGHS
530
00:26:46,140 --> 00:26:49,019
You're through to the
afterlife, Maria, you numpty!
531
00:26:49,020 --> 00:26:52,179
Off you go. Honestly, oh!
532
00:26:52,180 --> 00:26:54,619
Is this a wig or... Hm. Next!
533
00:26:54,620 --> 00:26:55,659
Name.
534
00:26:55,660 --> 00:26:56,819
Kitty Fisher.
535
00:26:56,820 --> 00:27:00,939
Hm, now don't tell me. Let me guess.
536
00:27:00,940 --> 00:27:03,259
Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
537
00:27:03,260 --> 00:27:06,580
Hope next time it's not yo-o-ou. #
538
00:27:09,940 --> 00:27:14,699
And so dies Lord Nelson,
Britain's greatest naval leader.
539
00:27:14,700 --> 00:27:18,139
Hero of the Battle of the
Nile, the Battle of Copenhagen
540
00:27:18,140 --> 00:27:22,140
and now the Battle of Trafalgar.
The People's Admiral.
541
00:27:25,340 --> 00:27:28,539
His body should be carried back
home in honour, so that the men
542
00:27:28,540 --> 00:27:30,979
and women of Britain can pay their respects.
543
00:27:30,980 --> 00:27:34,099
What did you do with the body, by the way?
544
00:27:34,100 --> 00:27:36,259
Oh, we wanted to make sure it was preserved,
545
00:27:36,260 --> 00:27:38,120
so we popped it in the barrel of brandy.
546
00:27:43,140 --> 00:27:44,499
Good stuff.
547
00:27:44,500 --> 00:27:45,819
Tall tales, atrocious acts
548
00:27:45,820 --> 00:27:47,939
We gave you all the fearsome facts... #
549
00:27:47,940 --> 00:27:50,659
Psst! Can you keep a secret? No, me neither.
550
00:27:50,660 --> 00:27:52,779
I've found great games in the Time Sewers.
551
00:27:52,780 --> 00:27:55,539
Want to come and play? Then
just go to the CBBC website
552
00:27:55,540 --> 00:27:58,260
and click on Horrible Histories. See you there!
553
00:27:59,700 --> 00:28:02,740
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
554
00:28:02,790 --> 00:28:07,340
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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