Original subtitles

Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians

Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

Vicious vikings, cruel crimes Punishments from ancient times

Romans rotten, rank and ruthless

Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

Gory stories, we do that

And your host, a talking rat

The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

Horrible Histories. #

If you were very rich in Tudor times

then your diet tended to be, well, very rich.

Would you like a body like this?

I'll bet you would! Well, now you can

thanks to the Henry VIII Tudor Diet Plan - out now!

Just seven hours dedicated feasting a day

and you too could have a body to die for.

5,000 calories a day, every day

and 13 courses at every meal.

With the Henry VIII Tudor Diet Plan, you get all of your five a day.

That's five massive portions of meat!

Ho-ho-ho! Of course, it's also important

to consume the right amount of vegetables.

That's none at all.

Rarr! Rah! Vegetables are for peasants!

Sometimes I get so hungry, I eat the plate. Mm!

Obviously, it's not a real plate. This one's made of pure sugar. Mm!

Water's important too.

It's important that you avoid it like the plague.

It's filthy! Seriously, Tudor water is filthy. Bleargh!

And finally, it's vitally important you don't take any exercise at all.

With all the rich food, you'll find it very difficult

to move around. Just sit on your throne and take it easy.

PARP!

The Henry VIII Tudor Diet Plan, for weight watchers everywhere.

Just watch your weight go up and up!

Posh Tudors believed uncooked vegetables were indigestible

and carried disease. Huh, as if!

Me, I always eat my greens.

Well, green slugs and caterpillars anyway. They're yummy. Ha-ha!

Henry's dreadful diet meant he got massively overweight

and he suffered from gout and diabetes

and you really didn't want to get sick in the Tudor era.

Don't worry. Help's on its way.

- BELL RINGING - I think that's probably them now.

Make way! Make way!

- Historical paramedics. - Look, Jeff, a lady. - I concur.

- I'll take her pulse. - No, she might need it.

BOTH: Ha-ha-ha!

- I'm sorry, are you qualified? - Even better.

- We're Tudors. What seems to be the problem? - I don't know.

She didn't feel well in the supermarket.

- Then she fainted. - Sounds like she's suffering from...

- Sickness! - I concur.

We must act fast. You, sir!

- Are you a villain, a scoundrel, a rapscallion? - What?

We urgently need a criminal. This woman's life may depend upon it.

- Well, I stole a packet of biscuits once. - Ooh!

Can we cut off your head, dry your skull

and feed its powdered scrapings

to this lady?

Blast! He ran away before we could get an answer!

We've no time to lose, shall we use spiders?

- Yes! - Do you have any butter?

Er, I have this low-fat cholesterol busting olive oil spread?

Don't know what that means, but it'll do.

We cover the live spiders in butter,

feed them to the patient and - bang! - sickness gone

- Oh, Jeff. - What?

- I forgot to feed the spiders. - Are you insane in ye brain?

We can't feed her dead, buttered spiders. That's just crazy.

- I'm so sorry. - What else do you have?

- I have this human bone. - Excellent. Bone marrow and sweat,

- a sure tonic for sickness. - Madam,

may I rub this bone on your armpit? Oh, she's gone.

Honestly, it's like these people don't want her to get better!

There's only one thing for it.

BOTH: Fustigation!

What's fustigation?

A very technical procedure. You'll want to stand back.

We literally beat the sickness out of her.

That's ridiculous,

- you can't do that! - Wait, wait, wait!

- I hear wheezing. - Yes, she's got asthma.

- Do you have a frog in your throat! - No. - Then why ever not, madam?

- Nigel, put a frog in this lady's throat! - What do you mean, a frog?

A dead frog in the windpipe

- is the best cure for asthma. - Stop being so stupid!

This is all she needs. Here you are.

'Tis witchcraft!

- Back away, witch! - Back away from the witch.

- I'll take the spread. - Use not your black magic on me, witch.

- Now run away! - Run away! - Run away!

Oh, no. Jane, bring the sponges.

Looks like they've tried the buttered spiders again.

Hello, and welcome to Horrible Points of View.

We've a bit of a backlog here at the BBC

and we've just got round to the correspondence from the Celtic era.

Actually, there are hardly any letters in the bag,

because in Celtic times, most people didn't write.

Stories were handed down by word of mouth,

usually in the form of poetry,

but we do have a couple here

from viewers who went along to see one Celtic poet perform.

A three hour poem?! Still, I suppose it's better than some of the acts

on Britain's Got Talent!

HE SNIGGERS

Other viewers wanted to know...

Well, who better to ask than the man himself.

To learn all my poems took twelve years or more.

My teacher would make me lie on the floor

with a stone on my belly, A weird old sensation

and a bag on my head to aid concentration.

So why spend so long being treated like trash?

Cos a qualified poet earns loads of cash.

APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you. I'm here all week, half price on Thursdays.

Imagine having to make everything rhyme?

I'd do it myself, but I haven't the time.

Celtic poets really did take 12 years to learn all their poems.

Imagine their school timetable.

Poetry, poetry, followed by double poetry, triple poetry and poetry.

The poets were the rock stars of their day

and they were well looked after wherever they went.

Shame the Celts weren't as nice to their animals.

I don't care if it does make a woolly jumper,

you shouldn't be conducting the kind of genetic research

that leads to crossing a sheep with a kangaroo.

- Hello. Can I have a horse, please? A fast one. - For racing?

No, for eating. I'm an ancient Celt

and we believe that by eating a fast horse, it makes us faster runners.

Look, I'm sorry. This is a pet shop, not a butcher's.

We sell smallish animals for the family.

Can I have a dog, please?

There you go! Certainly! What kind you after?

Ooh, Labradoodles are very popular at the moment.

Very affectionate, great for people with allergies.

- No, I'm after one that can tell me the future. - You want a talking dog?

No! Dogs don't talk, love. No, no, no.

But if you kill them and eat their flesh, they will talk to you in a vision.

Yeah, go on, out you go! Go on! Walkies!

If I promise not to hurt it, can I have a dog, please?

- Do you promise? - Yeah.

I cross my heart and hope to die in battle

and then be reborn and then die again in battle.

Eurgh! And then be reborn and die again in battle.

You shouldn't be in charge of scissors, let alone pets!

Can I have a dog, please?

What kind are you after?

One with a massive tongue so it'll lick this. Ah!

- Argh! - Yeah, well, Celts believe it'll heal the wound.

Er, well, we're all out of dogs. Sorry. Goodbye.

Can I have a cat, please?

I'm not going to sell you any pet

that you're going to eat, kill, tell the future with,

- or get to lick your wounds. - No, I won't!

We think cats are lucky.

If I sell you a cat, will you clear off and never come back?

Yeah. As long as it's a quiet one.

I'm going to take it home and brick it up in the house walls.

What?

Oh, come on! You know the saying.

Lucky cat in the walls. Lucky home.

Hello and welcome to The News At When.

When? The 1400s, when the kings of England ended up fighting

a gruesome war with their own relatives

for the right to the crown.

Here with more details is Bob Hale with the War of the Roses report.

Thank you, Sam. The year is 1453 and that right there is Henry VI,

though he could be Henry The Sick because, mentally, he's rather ill.

So unwell that he can't run the country any more.

So his cousin, Richard Sillyname, turns up

and says he'll be Lord Protector, meaning he'll run the country

while the King is ill. What a lovely chap! Or is he?

50 years ago, Richard's great-great-grandpa, Richard II,

was kicked off the throne by Henry's great-great-grandpa, Henry IV.

So these two sides of the family aren't exactly best buds,

so the second Henry is better, he takes back his crown

and, fearing cousin Dicky might still be bearing a grudge,

has him kicked out of court. Boom! Good shot. What does Dicky do?

Well, since Henry is from the House of Lancaster,

whose symbol is a red rose,

and since cousin Dicky is from the House of York,

whose symbol is a white rose, and since this report is on

the War of the Roses, you can see where this is going.

Yep, it's war!

Dicky's men, the Yorkies, win the first battle

where Henry's Lancastrian Army run away. So fast, in fact,

they leave poor Henry sitting alone in a tent

having once again fallen ill. Again, Dicky becomes Lord Protector,

and again Henry gets better, and again, Dicky is kicked out of court.

Boom! Good shot.

Luckily, the Archbishop of Canterbury steps in

and sorts everything out by inventing Love Day

where Yorkies and Lancastrians walk the High Street

holding hands. I'm not making that up.

So it's all peace and love and harmony and kissing,

although probably not the last one, and that is the end of that.

Or so we thought! 1459 and Dicky tries again but fails.

Yes, it's the Yorkies' turn to run away this time,

but not that far away, because the next year they try again.

The Battle of Northampton this time, where the Yorkies win

and the Lancastrians run away, leaving Henry behind, again

and he's found alone in his tent, again.

And guess what? He's ill again.

So once again, Dicky becomes Lord Protector, meaning final victory

goes to the Yorkies and that really, really, really is the end of that!

Or so we thought!

Henry might be ill, but his wife refuses to give up.

So she nips up to Scotland and borrows an army

and, what do you know, restarts the whole war.

She socks it to the Yorkies at the Battle of Wakefield,

which has this effect on old Dicky Boy.

He fainted! No, not really! He's only dead.

Killed in battle, leaving his son Eddy to pick up

where Daddy left off, getting beaten by Mrs Henry.

But Eddy's in luck. The people are suspicious of Mrs Henry's

Scottish army and decide they'd rather have Eddy in charge.

He's crowned, Yorkies win, Lancastrians lose

and that's the end. Really, honestly this time. I promise.

Or so we thought!

Time for the biggest battle of the entire war,

It's bigger than that. Bigger. Yep, that's about right.

80,000 soldiers, 20,000 killed. It's a massive, horrible bloodbath

that sees final victory go to...

the Yorkies, yes!

Mr and Mrs Henry run away, Eddy has his coronation,

becoming King Edward IV, the country is filled with peace

and rainbows and prancing lambs and pretty coloured flags.

But not for long! Eddy falls out with his chief advisor,

the Earl of Warwick, which is a bad move.

Warwick is known as the Kingmaker and he promptly makes a king.

He brings back - yep, you've guessed it - Henry VI. Remember him?

Well, you can forget him, because in 1471 Warwick is killed in battle,

Henry is executed, and Edward can take back the crown for the Yorkies

and rule the country very nicely for years and years

and that's the end of the War of the Roses.

Honestly this time, properly and forever, I swear.

Unless you count where Eddy dies, his brother Richard III takes over,

THEN loses the crown to Henry Tudor.

But that's unimportant. Who's ever heard of the Tudors?

AUDIENCE: Everybody's heard of the Tudors!

All right, I know everyone has, it was only a joke!

Honestly, what is it with you people?!

Richard III was a mean old murderous monster.

or was he?

I was sure that you'd love me to that hope I did cling

Cos I'm Richard III and everybody loves a king

Thought I did a good job Why do you disagree

There's a lot of people spreading nasty rumours 'bout me

Every word is a lie so I'm singing this song

Cos the history books have been telling it wrong

Never had a limp Walked my full height

Never had a hump and my arm was all right

Never took the crown with illegal power

Never killed my nephews the princes in the tower

Tudor propaganda, it's all absurd

Time to tell the truth about King Richard III

My brother Edward died His kids too young to rule

So I took the throne Why not? I'm nobody's fool

Thomas More wrote a history said I murdered Edward's boys

Shakespeare said their death was an evil ploy

But I say those two are historical vandals

They've ruined my image I mean, what a scandal!

Never bumped off those harmless young heirs

Never buried them under the Tower of London stairs

Never poisoned my wife Bumped off her daddy

This is me, Sweet Richard Do I look like a baddie?

Never was two-faced Sure you'll agree

I was misunderstood King Richard three

Can you imagine it? I'm the last Plantagenet

Beaten by Henry in the Wars of the Roses

The Tudor dynasty didn't care that much for me

Now I'm painted as a baddie That's why one supposes

Never forget when you hear of my crimes

Never drowned my brother in a massive vat of wine

Never said "A horse! My kingdom for a horse!"

Who made that up? Why, William Shakespeare, of course

Now my tale is told you won't hear a bad word

About a special ruler King Richard III. #

I'm a nice guy.

BUZZING

Oh, there's a wasp, there's a wasp!

There's a wasp, a wasp! Ah, there's a wasp. Ah, there's a wasp!

Yes, people think Richard III was a monster

because of how he was portrayed by Shakespeare

in the play, Richard III.

But Shakespeare was out to please Queen Elizabeth I,

and by making Richard III a monster, he showed that her grandfather,

Henry Tudor, was right to take the throne.

So Richard probably wasn't really all that bad.

Woo-hoo, I suddenly came across all brainy. Do you know what?

I feel quite faint.

In ancient Mexico, us Aztecs ate all sorts of unusual stuff

like monkeys, frogs and lizards. But at a certain time of the year,

our diet wasn't nearly as interesting.

Previously on Aztec Come Dine With Me,

Memexi served up a meal of maize and beans.

Ooh! Thank you.

Come here, maize and beans!

Chantico prepared a dish of maize and beans.

So, it's maize and beans. Can I get you one of these?

- Oh, yes. - Everyone for beans?

Oh, yes, please.

And Tenook cooked maize and beans

with a side order of beans.

Quelle surprise!

LAUGHTER

Yes it's, er...

BREAKS WIND

It's the final dinner party. Can't wait to find out

what Atzi's going to be cooking for her guests tonight.

I've decided to cook maize and beans.

Oh!

Cos I don't have any choice.

In the Aztec calendar, it's the days of eating maize and beans

when we just eat maize and beans.

PARP!

For 19 days.

It's to celebrate the end of the dry season.

Yes, and the beginning of the windy one!

It's hot and sticky in the kitchen and Atzi hasn't started cooking.

Now the guests are arriving. That's no good.

- Can I take your blanket? - Yeah.

- You look fabulous. Really nice. - Oh, so do you. You look fantastic!

Now, I'm just in the kitchen. So just help yourselves to cactus wine.

Thank you. Oh, right!

Cactus wine!? I hope they've taken the spikes out!

Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, Atzi prepares the sacred maize

in the traditional Aztec manner, by blowing on it.

PRRRT!

Well, that's one way of doing it.

Oh, no!

Please tell me you're not using that maize on the floor!

Maize is sacred to us Aztecs, so not a single grain must be wasted.

PARP!

It is me or is it a bit draughty in here?

It's you!

It's time for dinner and before the main course of maize and beans,

Atzi has prepared a surprise starter.

It's maize and beans!

- Ooh! - Love it.

- That is my favourite. - Mine too.

Several plates of maize and beans later, it's time for Atzi

to entertain her guests by playing a tune on her Aztec pipes.

PANPIPES

While the other guests give a blast on THEIR Aztec pipes.

PARP!

PRRT!

Go on, fella!

Time for the all-important scores.

A three from Memexi.

Seven from Chantico.

And a big fat one from Tenook.

PARP!

Who gives Atzi ten out of ten.

Which means that Atzi is the winner of this week's cash prize,

1,000 beans.

1,000 beans?

Relax, they're cocoa beans for making chocolate. It's Aztec money.

Aah!

Yeah!

PRRT!

Yeah, when I said relax...

Next week on Aztec Come Dine With Me,

it's the days of swallowing water snakes and frogs. Can't wait.

The answer is...

B. The Aztecs held ceremonies where they stretched children's necks

to make them taller.

Grr, get back here! Come on!

Grr!

Grr!

What are you doing, man?

The woods are teeming with wildlife. You won't catch anything standing there.

Come on, let's get hunting. Woo! Rarr!

No thanks. I'm not a hunter.

Whoa! Back up, give a brother room. What do you mean, not a hunter?

We're Stone Age. It's what we do.

We chase after wild animals, day in, day out

until they get exhausted and we skewer 'em!

Well, I'm not a hunter. I'm a farmer.

- A fah-ma? - Yes, a farmer, I farm stuff.

Basically, I got fed up of chasing animals about the countryside,

never staying in the same place twice,

so I set myself up a home here.

A hoom?

Yeah, a home. This could take a while.

Yes, I live here.

I have plenty of livestock in my paddock

and whenever I need meat I just go over and kill it.

What, you don't have to chase after it?

- No. It's tied up. - That's cool!

I quite like the sound of being a fah-ma with a hoom.

And I plant and grow all my own vegetables.

Vegballs.

- Vegetables. - Ve-ge-tibbles.

Like cabbage and spinach and onions and carrots and garlic. Try this.

No, I don't like it.

Here, wash it down with this.

It's milk from the animals.

It is a little hard to swallow.

I think I'll stick to being a hunter, thanks.

OK then. More for me!

Yeah, keep it down now, keep it down.

Ha-ha! When Stone Age men first started drinking animal milk,

their bodies hadn't learnt how to digest it properly

so they would have been sick a lot.

Anyone fancy a nice bowl of puke-o-pops? Ha-ha-ha!

Yes, it was a key moment in the evolution of Stone Age man

as, believe it or not, was the invention of string.

Hi, I'm a shouty man and I'm here to tell you about...

It's the exciting, technological breakthrough

set to revolutionise the Stone Age.

Are you tired of hunting with rocks?

Yeah!

- Oh! - Then simply use new multi-purpose string

to tie a sharp flint to a long stick and - bingo! -

you've got yourself a spear.

- It should be the pointy end first. - Arr!

You can also use new multi-purpose string to make this bow and arrow.

You're supposed to fire the pointy end!

- Sorry, mate. - And that's not all.

New multi-purpose string can also be used

to make this tasteful shell necklace.

Wurrgh! Necklace nice.

Ho-ho! Flowers nice.

- Flowers not for you. Flowers to make string. - That's right.

New multi-purpose string is made from the flowering plant, flax,

so it's 100% organic.

Here's the not-so-sciencey bit!

Flax is a tough plant, full of strong, woody fibres.

Simply extract these fibres from the stem of the plant

and twist them with other fibres for added stringy strength.

Honey, I'm home! Me bring meat.

Why not use new multi-purpose string to make yourself a string bag?

It's up to a bit percent better at carrying stuff

than using your bare hands.

Honey, I'm home! Me bring more meat!

Warning, do not use string bag to carry berries.

What else string do?

How long is a piece of string?

Easy. One, 20, 32...

New multi-purpose string. Available from all leading fields.

29, 30... Ooh! No, it is difficult, actually.

We Georgians all loved our great naval Commander, Lord Nelson.

The Battle of Trafalgar was his finest hour

but also, sadly, his last.

Quick as you can, Dr Beatty. It's Lord Nelson,

he's been shot. I think he may be dying.

Ah, Dr Beatty. Sorry to have to drag you down here.

Hardy's a bit of a fusspot. I trust you are well?

Never better, but I'm sure it's your health we should worry about.

EXPLOSION

Ah, stuff and nonsense, Dr Beatty!

Just a trifling fatal injury from a French sniper rifle.

Heaven knows how the blighter managed to pick me out on the crowded deck.

Well, with all due respect, you do stand out a little bit.

You may as well have, "Shoot Me" written on your forehead.

Bullet ripped through my shoulder, passed through my chest

and lodged somewhere in my spine.

You ask me, it's a darn inconvenience!

EXPLOSION

Doctor, is there anything you can do for him?

I'm just a ship surgeon,

bit out of my depth with internal bleeding and spinal injuries.

Hacking off damaged limbs is more my forte.

CHEERING

Another French ship has surrendered, sir.

You're about to win Trafalgar. The greatest sea battle of all time.

Just as well, Hardy.

I'd look pretty stupid after naming MY flagship The Victory, what?

LAUGHTER

Ah, good. Yes!

- Oh, God. - Admiral, we're losing him.

Kiss me, Hardy.

Sorry, did he just say, "Kiss me, Hardy?"

- It sounded more like "Kismet." - Sorry, what's Kismet."

Well, I think it means fate or destiny or something.

Oh, right. I might kiss him anyway, just in case that's what he wanted.

Really? Well, no, no, no.

If he was saying that this was his destiny and you do kiss him,

then forever more, people will think

Britain's greatest ever naval hero, on his deathbed,

- asked his right-hand man for a bit of snog when he didn't. - OK.

Well, um, how about I split the difference and give him a hug?

Yeah, give him a hug. Everyone loves a hug.

Finished?

Not yet.

Yep, we're good.

Hardy did actually kiss Nelson, twice on the cheek.

The Battle of Trafalgar was a famous British victory

but, on receiving news of Nelson's death, King George III

is believed to have said, "We have lost more than we have gained."

That is such a sad death.

I thought this was supposed to be a funny show?

What's that?

We've got a stupid one up next? Oh, goody!

Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

They're funny cos they're true

Whoo! Stupid deaths, Stupid deaths

Hope next time it's not you. Hee-hee!

Well, yes, I do use conditioner. Is it that obvious?

What do you use?

Oh, look lively, we've got company. And you are?

Maria, Countess of Coventry.

All right then, Grandma. Tell us your story.

Grandma?! I'm only 27!

Only 27?! What happened to you? An explosion in a white paint shop?

No. Actually, I used to be something of a society beauty,

but I was prone to the odd spot.

- Oh, yes. - So I covered them up with ceruse,

a Georgian make-up, and that worked a treat.

But I got more blemishes, so I applied more make-up.

Well, you would. Wouldn't you?

Turns out it contains white lead.

Oh, that can't be good for you.

No, it's poisonous and it causes blemishes on the skin.

Which you needed to cover up with more white lead make-up?

Exactly.

More blemishes, more make- up, more blemishes, more make-up,

- more blemishes, more make-up. - Uh-huh, yes?

Until I died of lead poisoning.

You did? Aha-ha-ha-ha!

HE LAUGHS

You're as thick as your make-up!

Ooh! If looks could kill! And they did - you!

HE LAUGHS

You're through to the afterlife, Maria, you numpty!

Off you go. Honestly, oh!

Is this a wig or... Hm. Next!

Name.

Kitty Fisher.

Hm, now don't tell me. Let me guess.

Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

Hope next time it's not yo-o-ou. #

And so dies Lord Nelson, Britain's greatest naval leader.

Hero of the Battle of the Nile, the Battle of Copenhagen

and now the Battle of Trafalgar. The People's Admiral.

His body should be carried back home in honour, so that the men

and women of Britain can pay their respects.

What did you do with the body, by the way?

Oh, we wanted to make sure it was preserved,

so we popped it in the barrel of brandy.

Good stuff.

Tall tales, atrocious acts

We gave you all the fearsome facts... #

Psst! Can you keep a secret? No, me neither.

I've found great games in the Time Sewers.

Want to come and play? Then just go to the CBBC website

and click on Horrible Histories. See you there!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0