Original subtitles

- Terrible Tudors - Gorgeous Georgians

- Slimy Stewarts - Vile Victorians

- Woeful wars, ferocious fights - Dingy castles, daring knights

- Horrors that defy description - Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

- Vicious Vikings, cruel crime - Punishments from ancient times

Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless

Cavemen savage Fierce and toothless

- Groovy Greeks, brainy sages - Mean and measly Middle Ages

Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

The past is no longer a mystery

Welcome to... #

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Brothers, if we mean to capture this heavily fortified castle,

it's vitally important we stick rigidly to my plan.

On my mark, we will rush up the steep hill here,

avoiding the flurry of arrows raining down on us from the battlements up here.

Those who survive will cross the drawbridge,

if it hasn't been hauled up,

avoiding the boiling oil being poured on us from the gatehouse.

We will then pass under the razor-sharp portcullis,

which may or may not be dropped upon us, resulting in some light head loss.

Then we will take on the 50 or so armed guards within the grounds.

Should we defeat them, then and only then,

the castle will be ours!

Barring any unforeseen difficulties. Any questions? Yes, Davis?

- That is completely insane! - That's not really a question.

You're not seriously suggesting that? What with the arrows and the boiling oil

and the razor-sharp thingy and t-t-the boiling oil?

- And the guards. - And the guards, yes! Thanks, Geoff. It's suicide!

Why did you two become knights in the first place?

Anyway, that's not the only plan. There is a plan B, brothers.

- Let's hear it, then. - We sneak around the back of the castle and enter the building here.

I have discovered a shaft that leads directly from the edge of the moat

to His Lordship's living quarters.

We shimmy up the shaft, capture His Lordship, and then and only then,

the castle is ours!

Well, then, plan B sounds perfect.

Wait a minute.

- Are you sure there's no boiling oil poured down this shaft? - No.

- What about the razor-sharp thingies? - That's a negative.

- Archers? Any archers? - No. No, no, no, no, no.

Plan B it is, then!

- Are you sure it's unguarded? - I sent Sir Royston on a mission to check.

This shaft is completely unguarded. Am I right, Roystie?

It's completely unguarded. All the way from the bottom of the shaft

right up to the castle toilets.

I'll probably do plan A.

- I think I'll stick with plan A. - Yep.

Plan A was my plan, so I'm A-OK with plan A.

- Thanks, anyway, Royston! - Cheers, mate. - Thanks.

You took one for the team. HE GAGS

That's right!

People in the Middle Ages were known to sneak into a castle via the toilet chute.

Something worse than having a sewer rat pop out of your toilet. A knight with a sword popping out!

If you couldn't get inside the castle that way,

there were other ways of capturing it.

'And now the Siege Forecast with Matilda Never-Wash.'

Well, we're four weeks into the siege now

and the hot weather is set to continue over the next few days.

Good news if you're here, outside the Medieval castle, attacking it,

but bad news if you're here, inside the castle walls, defending it.

As for rain, the outlook is grim. There won't be a single drop,

which means you lot in here

will soon run out of water, as well as food.

And there's more bad news for those of you in the castle tomorrow,

as we expect temperatures to soar thanks to these flaming arrows,

which should burn down any remaining wooden structures by about midday.

The afternoon should also see some heavy downpours of rocks

from enemy catapults.

These will be landing here, here and here,

and there's a high likelihood we'll be seeing some rotten horse corpses.

These are being catapulted in to cause an outbreak of disease.

This may well be followed by some light showers of human heads.

These are most likely the heads of other defenders who have been captured.

They've been lobbed over the walls

to terrify those of you who are still inside.

So, in summary, the forecast for those of you defending the castle is

you'll die of thirst, starve, be burnt to death, get squashed,

catch a terminal disease or have your head chopped off.

That's all from me. Have a lovely siege. Cheery-bye.

'Four eager chefs, four historical eras, but just one prize.'

'Who will be crowned historical Master Chef?'

I want one of these historical chefs to cook some food for me

and for me to really like it.

Mmm.

'Ann is from the Stuart era and head cook at a manor house in Yorkshire.'

Excuse me. I can't figure out how this works.

- Where's the dog? - The dog? - Yeah.

In our Stuart house, I cook meat over a fire on a spit,

turned by a dog walking around a wheel.

- There you go, love. - That's the work of a witch! - SHE SCREAMS

- HE LAUGHS - Ahh...

OK, people, five minutes remaining. Five minutes.

Three minutes!

Two minutes!

Eight minutes!

Eight minutes.

- You're looking very relaxed there. - 11 minutes!

Of course I am. I've got this competition sewn up, love.

- Today, I will be serving this. It's called a... - A banana.

- You've seen one before? - Yeah, it's a banana.

- They're new and exciting in Stuart times. - They're not now.

I'd seriously think about serving something up with that.

- Maybe a pineapple. - Are you out of your mind?

You can't just eat pineapple! It's far too expensive.

- It smells a bit rotten. - It's been on the lord's mantelpiece.

- He puts it there to show off how rich he is. - Three minutes!

I'd seriously start thinking about something else to serve, and fast.

SHE SCREAMS

'Ann is going all out to impress

'and serves up a range of foodstuffs new to the Stuart era.'

So, Ann, what do you have for us?

This is a brand-new brewed beverage that we Stuarts like to call...

- It's tea. - You know it?

- OK. Well, we'll move straight on to the bold new flavour of... - Coffee.

- In that case, maybe we'll just cut to the ground-breaking Stuart dessert... - It's ice-cream.

I'm sorry, Ann, we've seen all this before.

Hold on, John. That looks new!

Hm.

- Sweet-smelling. Jelly-like consistency. It's very interesting. - That's hardly new.

It's an old Stuart delicacy that Charles II likes to have for breakfast.

- It's called ambergris. - What is ambergris?

Regurgitated whale phlegm.

Ann, that is exciting, it's unusual.

We're putting you through to the next round. Congratulations.

Yes!

Don't worry, we'll get you another one.

It's true, posh Stuarts really did eat whale phlegm.

And that's not the weirdest thing

that you might find on the dinner table in the Stuart era!

I can't believe you said yes to supper with the Raleighs.

I can't keep saying no. It's embarrassing!

Last time, it was a total nightmare. And I bet she sits me next to Walter again.

He's impossible to make conversation with. You have to do all the work.

Supper is served. Shall we sit down?

Geoffrey, you're next to me. Miranda, I put you next to Walter.

- Ah, isn't this nice? - Yes. It's wonderful.

So, Walter,

are you well?

Sorry. Silly question!

Erm, I must say, that's a nice cut. Of beef.

I-It's a nice cut of beef!

- So, how have you been? - Well. Yes, thank you.

So, er, been anywhere nice recently? No?

I don't suppose you get to travel so much.

Oh, silly me! I've forgotten the horseradish! Won't be a tick.

When we get home, you're so dead. Deader than him.

HE LAUGHS

After James the First had famous explorer Walter Raleigh executed in 1618,

Walter's wife kept his severed head in a red bag for another 29 years and showed it off to people!

"Have you met my better half? Well, actually, he's more like a quarter!"

HE LAUGHS

HE VOMITS

HE TRUMPS

HE LAUGHS

CHEERING

The word idiot comes from idiotes,

which was the name us Ancient Greeks gave to people who didn't bother to vote in elections.

Over time, it just came to mean "stupid", like this idiot...

Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

They're funny cos they're true Whoo

Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #

I don't get it. Don't laugh at his jokes, you'll only encourage him.

Next! HE PANTS

- And who might you be? - I'm a boxer, yeah?

Oh, no kidding!

From Ancient Greece.

Are you that famous Greek boxer - Theagenes of Thasos?

- Don't say that name! - All right, keep your beard on.

I promise I won't say that name again.

- The name Theagenes. - Stop it!

Oop! Did I say Theagenes? Did I say Theagenes? I did say Theagenes.

Sorry, it turns out I did say Theagenes.

- Stop it, yeah? - Come on, then. Let's get on with your stupid death.

Ooh, does it by any chance involve a certain you-know-who?

- And by that, I mean Theagenes. - Yeah, it does!

Right, I hated Theagenes of Thasos.

I really hated him, yeah. Cos he was, like, the champion boxer.

I fought him loads of times, but he always beat me.

And he was famous throughout Greece, but had anyone heard of me? No!

- And you are? - Exactly my point, yeah?

And guess what happens next. He dies before I can beat him

and then the people of Thasos build a huge statue of him!

Yes?

So every night, yeah, I creep down with a big stick

and I would beat the statue of Theagenes of Thasos.

Like, "Ha-ha, I'm beating him, yeah? I'm beating Theagenes!" It made me feel so much better.

Have you any idea where he's going with this? I'm clueless.

So, anyway, one night, yeah, I crept down with my stick

and I beat the statue of Theagenes of Thasos so hard

that it fell down on top of me and it killed me.

HE LAUGHS

I didn't see that coming!

But then, neither did you!

Was the boxer's statue a heavyweight? Get it?

A heavyweight boxer... (statue)!

Yeah, I don't get it.

Honestly, my humour is wasted on these idiots!

All right, whatever-your-name is, off you go into the afterlife.

- Nice one, yeah? I'll see you later. - Yeah!

Knockout. Next!

Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

Hope next time it's not you Hoo-hoo. #

Yes, we do crosses. We have a labradoodle and a cockapoo.

That's a cross between a cocker spaniel and a poodle.

Do we have a collywobble? What's that a cross between?

A sheep dog and a jelly! Goodbye!

Good day, madam. I wonder if you might render me your assistance.

I require two of your finest geese, don't you know!

I've had trouble with you historical people before. Go on, then, why?

I intend to smuggle lace!

I will force-feed the one this fine lace,

smuggle it into the country

and then have him vomit it up on t'other side!

Not going to happen. What do you want the other one for?

I intend to grease t'other's head, and hang him from a tree

so as my friends and I can gallop underneath on horseback and pull his head off.

It's called greased goose grabbing. Georgian foreign games, do you know?

I know what you're thinking. We kill them first. We're not savages.

We are definitely out of geese.

In the modern era, we actually like animals.

Love 'em meself, me lady, love 'em meself!

How's about I purchase this kitty for two shillings?

Do you have another? This one's fat. Couldn't possibly eat it whole.

- Cats are not food! - CAT MEOWS

Precisely! That is why it shall prove such excellent entertainment

when I eat a dead one whole at the Georgian village fete.

Really? Go on, out you go. Otherwise, I'll get my dog on you.

All right, no need to release the hound!

You'd lick him to death, wouldn't you?

Do you know of a place that sells nails? I need something to feed my ostrich.

- Out! - TOY SQUEAKS

- How dare you! - DOG BARKS

There really was an ostrich that was fed nails in Georgian times.

It was kept at the Tower of London and its keepers didn't know what it should be fed on.

Thanks to its dodgy diet, it died.

If a Georgian fed an ostrich nails and it got diarrhoea,

would he have invented the first ever nail gun?

But they did come up with some more acceptable ways of entertaining themselves.

Hello, I'm John Jo...

HE CRASHES

Hello, I'm John Joseph Merlin

and I'm here to tell you... Whoa!

Hello, I'm John Joseph Merlin

and I'm here to tell you about my brand-new invention, roller skates,

the fun, fast way to travel.

Whoa!

My unique skate design features smooth metal rollers attached to a flat metal plate

that simply straps to your existing shoe or boot or shoe.

Just like skating on ice, only much safer!

Whoa!

Once fitted, you can roll your way into any fancy function

and you'll be the talk of the room!

Look, darling, that man glides as if he is floating.

No. He's wearing John Joseph Merlin's brand-new roller skates.

- Oh, well, that is better, then. - Mm.

It's perfect for playing the violin while on the move!

HE CRASHES

So try John Joseph Merlin's new roller skates today

and you'll be on a roll!

Brakes! I knew I forgot something!

Hello and welcome to the News At When.

When? 991 AD, when a huge Viking invasion landed on the Essex coast

and a brave army of Anglo- Saxons tried to hold them off.

Saxon battles are often recorded in poems by monks,

and I think one of them is with our war correspondent, Mike Peabody, now. Mike...

Thanks, Sam. You join me in the thick of the battle.

The Vikings, over there,

outnumbering Saxons on this side of the river by two-to-one.

I'm joined now by Brother Thomas. How do you rate the Saxons' chances?

If the Vikings get across, they'll squash us like ants

and one thing's for sure, I'll wet my pants.

T-Thank you.

I've just seen the leader of the Saxons, Byrthnoth, the Earl of Essex.

I'm Mike Peabody, HHTV News. Can you give us an update on how the battle's going?

Well, there's only one narrow crossing on the river,

so I position my very best warriors to defend it.

If the Viking chaps can't get across,

they won't be able to exploit their superior numbers,

- and victory will be ours. - Thank you.

I must say, that sounds like an excellent plan,

nice one, Byrthnoth, you da man.

- Oh, well, thanks, old boot. Anyway, I'd better be, er... Tally-ho! - Thanks.

It looks like the heroic Saxons will successfully hold off the Viking hoards.

That's fantastic news for the underdogs.

It looks like there's been a development.

The Viking leader, Olaf, is having a parlay with Byrthnoth.

- HE SIGHS - Brythnoth, hello again.

Can you tell me what Olaf's asking for?

Well, he said the situation is all a bit unsporting

because the Vikings can't get their army over here for a proper battle,

- so he's asked me if I'll let them across the river for a fair fight. - As if!

So, naturally, I said yes.

- You said what? - Not giving them a proper chance

simply wouldn't be Anglo-Saxonish.

- Cheers, mate. - No problem. - Thanks.

Sorry, isn't that like opening the castle gates to let the enemy in?

- Er... Well, in many ways, yes. - Well...

I think you'd better hold your nose because I need a change of clothes.

Ohh!

Mike Peabody, HHTV News, really wishing he was somewhere else.

You get back or I will tickle you.

SCREAMING

We know about the Battle Of Maldon thanks to a famous poem written soon afterwards,

though the poet probably wasn't at the battle himself!

In Saxon times, monks wrote poems and copied out manuscripts.

They were very much the photocopiers of their time.

Whilst they could only copy a page a day, they had very few paper jams!

'In this month's Monk Magazine, everything for the Saxon monk.'

'We've an exclusive on St Cuthbert, the Bishop of Lindisfarne.'

Find out how we prevented Vikings

getting their hands on St Cuthbert's dead body when they attacked our monastery.

We carried him round for seven years!

- If I'm honest, he's not as fresh as he was. - He's a lot lighter, though!

Oh, his arm's dropped off.

- Read our story only in Monk Magazine! - Monk's Magazine!

- His arm's dropped off, Steve. - Gone, innit?

Right, I'll get it.

That's handy!

No 'arm done!

'Plus, are you fed up with your quills breaking

'when you're copying out manuscripts?'

'Help is at hand with our sturdy goose-feather quill,

'free with Monk Magazine.'

'Don't miss the crazy theories from our wacky columnist,

'historian, scientist and theologian, the Venerable Bede.'

- I believe the world is round. - 'He's c-c-c-crazy!'

According to my calculations, the moon affects the tides.

'What a crackpot!'

- I'll have you know I'm the smartest man in Britain! - 'Whatever!'

'Only in Monk Magazine, the only monthly monk magazine, written by monks, for monks, about monks.'

- 'First copy out now.' - Section one available as soon as I've finished copying it.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen...

Well, gentlemen certainly. This is no place for a lady.

MEN SNIGGER

It gives me great pleasure, and no small amount of relief,

to declare this, the first ever flushing public lavatory, open.

APPLAUSE

HE WHISTLES

Might want to leave it five minutes.

HE GASPS Oh, my goodness!

A year previously, in 1851,

temporary toilets were exhibited at the Great Exhibition in London's Hyde Park

and visitors were charged a penny to use them.

That is thought to be the origin of the phrase "to spend a penny".

And this is the origin of the Nobel Peace Prize.

Hm, interesting.

But that's not what's supposed to happen.

Darling, I don't want to worry you or anything,

- but I think you might be dead. - Hm?

I don't think so, darling.

This newspaper seems to think you are, and it's always been very reliable in the past.

"Doctor Alfred Nobel, the Swedish chemist and inventor of dynamite,

died yesterday in the French resort of Cannes."

Let me see that.

Good grief, it does say I'm dead.

Look what they're calling me, "the merchant of death".

It says here, "Dr Alfred Nobel became rich

"by finding ways to kill more people even faster than ever before."

You'd think that just because I'd invented dynamite,

I am personally responsible for the death of thousands of people!

- Have you ever heard such nonsense? - CLOCK TICKS

I said, have you ever heard such rubbish?

Sophie, if you have something to say...

Well, you did invent what is, at this point in time,

the most powerful explosive on earth.

- And it has gone on to kill thousands of people. - What's your point?

All I'm saying is, you have to accept when people hear the word "Nobel",

they're always going to think of dynamite.

I knew I should've called it Nobel's Safety Powder.

Do you really think that when I actually do go that this is how I'll be remembered?

Oh, sweetheart, of course it is, my furry-cheeked little death merchant.

Well, not if I can help it!

I shall reinvent my own image.

- What? - I shall use my massive fortune to establish a special prize.

One that rewards positive human endeavours in the pursuit of peace

so that when I do die, I won't just be linked to explosives!

And I, Alfred Nobel, will call this special peace prize...

..Prize-A-Mite!

Darling, why don't you call it the Nobel Peace Prize?

HE CHUCKLES

I love you, darling, but you have absolutely no idea when it comes to marketing.

- A-hem! Tea! - Certainly.

William the Conqueror became King of England in 1066

and he was the first in a long line of English kings and queens.

There is William II, Henry I, Stephen...

Do you know what, I'll let them tell you themselves.

I'm William the Conqueror My enemies stood no chance

They call me the first English king

Although I come from France

1066 the Doomsday Book I gave to history

So fat on death, my body burst But enough about me

To help remember all your kings I've come up with this song

A simple rhyme and ditty For you all to sing along, oh...

William... #

Bit short, isn't it? We need more kings. Who came next?

William Second, cheeks were red Killed out hunting, so it said

I took over, Henry One

That's my next eldest son

Then King Stephen It's true, check it

I, Henry Two, killed Thomas Becket

Richard Lionheart, that's right Always spoiling for a fight

Oh, King John, what a disaster We're all restrained by Magna Carta

William, William, Henry, Stephen Henry, Richard, John, Oi!

Time for my mate King Henry Eight To take up this song

Henry Three built the abbey

Ed One hated Scots

A red-hot poker killed Ed Two That must've hurt him lots

Edward Third was a chivalry nerd Begun the Hundred Years' War

Then Richard Two was king aged 10 Then Henry, yes, one more

King Henry Four, floods galore Not least from Henry Five! Why?

Killed ten score at Agincourt Then Henry Six arrived

Edward Four, Edward Five Richard the Third, he's bad

Cos he fought wars with Henry Seven, first Tudor and my dad

So Henry Eight, I was great Six wives, two were beheaded

Edward the Sixth came next But he died young and so my dreaded

- Daughter Mary ruled, so scary, Then along came - Me

I'm Liz the First, I had no kids

So Tudors RIP...

William, William, Henry, Stephen Henry, Richard, John, Oi!

Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich Two Then three more Henrys join our song

Edward, Edward, Rich the Third Henry, Henry, Ed again

- Mary One, Good Queen Bess - That's me, time for more men

James Sixth of Scotland next English James the First he led

Then Stuarts ruled So Charles the First

The one who lost his head

No monarchy until came me Charles Two, I like to party

King Jimmy Two was scary, whoo Then Mary was a smarty

She ruled with Phil Their shoes were filled

By sourpuss Queen Anne Gloria

And so from then You were ruled by men

Till along came me, Victoria!

William, William, Henry, Stephen Henry, Richard, John, Oi!

Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich Two Then three more Henrys join our song

Edward, Edward, Rich the Third Henry, Henry, Ed again

Mary One, Good Queen Bess Jimmy, Charles and Charles and then

Jim, Will, Mary, Anna Gloria

Still to come it's Queen Victoria

And so began the Hanover Gang George One and George Two

- George the Third was quite absurd - Till I replaced old him

- King George the Fourth and known henceforth as angry, fat and cross - Hang on!

- It's true you beat Napoleon But were mostly a dead loss - Bang on

- William the Four was a sailor - A-hoy

It's nearly the end of the story

As onto the scene comes the best-loved queen

Hail to Queen Victoria!

William, William, Henry, Stephen Henry, Richard, John, Oi!

Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich Two Then three more Henrys join our song

Edward, Edward, Rich the Third Henry, Henry, Ed again

Mary One, Good Queen Bess Jimmy, Charles and Charles and then

Jim, Will, Mary, Anna Gloria

George, George, George, George, Will, Victoria

Victoria...

- Victoria... - Victoria... #

I ruled for 64 years, you know.

Ed 7, George 5, Ed 8, George 6 Liz 2 then reigned and how

And so our Famous Monarchs song Is brought right up to now

Oh...

William, William, Henry, Stephen Henry, Richard, John, Oi!

Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich Two Then three more Henrys join our song

Edward, Edward, Rich the Third Henry, Henry, Ed again

Mary One, Good Queen Bess Jimmy, Charles and Charles and then

Jim, Will, Mary, Anna Gloria

George, George, George, George Will, Victoria

Edward, George, Edward, George Six

And Queen Liz Two completes the mix

That's all the English kings and queens

Since William First that there have been #

- Tall tales - Atrocious acts

We gave you all the fearsome facts... #

Can you keep a secret? No, me, neither.

I've found some great games in the Time Sewers. Want to play?

Just go to the CBBC website

and click on Horrible Histories. See you there!

- Hope you enjoyed... - Horrible Histories #

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