Original subtitles

Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishments from ancient times

Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

Gory stories, we do that

And your host, a talking rat

The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

Horrible Histories!

Us cavemen had lots of unusual traditions.

You wouldn't believe some of them if you saw them today.

- THUMP - Ow! Who did that?

DI Bones, Historical Crime Squad.

Deceased is a male, Stone Age cave-dweller, early 30s.

Cause of death, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven...

17 arrows fired directly into the chest.

Oh!

Oh, no, no, sorry. Sorry, that was us. We did that when we found him.

You fired 17 arrows into the corpse of your loved one?

It's just an old Stone Age mark of respect.

OK, well, we'll ignore the arrows.

Erm... Oh.

Probable cause of death is the victim having his head sliced open

and his brains removed.

Ooh... Oh, no, sorry.

- Sorry, we did that too. - You sliced his head open and removed his brains?

Just our little tribute.

Another Stone Age ritual for the dead.

Also present, a piece of raw, rotting meat.

- Could be poisoned. - Sorry.

We left that for him as well.

It's to keep him going in the afterlife till he catches some food.

Never mind the afterlife. I'm trying to work out what sent him there.

Aha!

Traces of a suspect red powder.

Yeah, that'd be make-up. Us again. Sorry.

We wanted him to look his best.

Well, he looks great with 17 arrows poking out of his chest

- and half his head lopped off. - It's what he would've wanted.

- The dead dog was you as well? - We thought he might

get lonely in the afterlife.

And, er, what's the big bear for?

Oh, no, no, that wasn't us. That's what killed him.

ROARING

Ah. Cause of death was the big...

big bear! Big bear!

Big bear!

Ha-ha! Do you know, it's true?

Some cavemen did slice open dead people's heads to remove the brains.

They may have even cooked and eaten them, too! Mmm.

Here's a brain I prepared earlier.

As you can see, it's from a PE teacher.

He-he-he!

Lots of what we know about Stone Age people

comes from what's been found in burial pits like that one,

and also from prehistoric cave paintings.

Hello and welcome to the Caveman Art Show.

- I'm Ugg and this is Grunt. - Grunt.

Today we're showing you how to paint like a caveman.

Grunt's already made a start with his picture,

Let's have a look and see how he's doing. Come on.

- Grunt paint picture. - That's a lovely prehistoric picture, Grunt.

- And who are these two fellows here? - Grunt.

- That's you, is it? - Grung.

That's Grung.

- Dead. - Grung's dead.

- And who's this chap here, being chased by the mammoth? - That Ugg.

Ugh, ugh, scoff, scoff. Ugh, ugh,

- ugh, ugh. - Excuse me, what? What?

You know I'm sensitive about my weight.

- Sorry. - There's a line.

I just got carried away.

I'm also going to show you an ancient caveman painting technique.

For this, you're going to have to make your own paint.

Now, what I like to use is iron minerals, like these.

Now we take our minerals, put them into our pot...

and you need to mix them with a certain kind of liquid.

Personally, I think blood works best. Grunt, I need some blood.

Don't be silly, I'm not going to use your blood.

Just pass us the blood we've already got.

Idiot. Now, I'm just going to pour some of this in the pot...

and mix it together, to make a paint.

Once you've done that, you'll need a bone.

Grunt, I need a bone.

The one we've already got.

You thought I was going to hit you, didn't you?

Well, I am.

Once you've got your bone, you need to get all the marrow out

from the inside, so it makes a hollow tube, like this.

Then you take your bone tube and stick it in your paint

and you suck it up.

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

OK, carry on. Make sure you suck gently.

You don't want the paint going into your mouth, do you, Grunt?

No. Once you've got paint in your bone tube,

go over to the wall and place your hand on the wall.

Then you can blow the paint all over your hand.

Then, when you take your hand away, it makes a lovely handprint, like so.

Ha-ha! Grunt paint hand.

- Well done, Grunt. - Grunt do foot.

I don't think you should do that, Grunt.

No, I don't think that's a good idea.

Urgh! Ugh, ugh.

Oh, where's the...where's the door?

See you all next week.

During World War II, there could be spies anywhere.

You had to watch what you said, and what you wrote.

So, to pass on secret messages, the Army had to use secret codes.

So my idea is, we write everything backwards, and so to the enemy

it looks like complete gobbledegook.

It's brilliant. For example, if we were to write the word "eye",

we would do it backwards, like so.

Eye.

Oh. Bad example.

If we were writing the word "madam", we'd do it backwards, like this.

A, D,

A, M. Ma... Oh.

Erm, if we were writing the word "race car", then we'd spell it

backwards, which would be...

I think it's back to the drawing board with that one,

- old bean. - Yes, perhaps you're right. I tell you, this secret code lark

is a darn tricky business.

Isn't it, just?

- Well, thanks for nothing! - My word!

Agent Saunders? We thought you were in that prison camp at Drancy.

No, I escaped. No thanks to you idiots.

- Steady on now, chap. - Steady on?

I just crossed the whole of occupied France with no money and no map.

Did you even get my letter?

Some time ago. I'm afraid it didn't make a great deal of sense.

Well, I used Sergeant Hall's code, just like you said.

Escape planned, January 2nd, send map and money.

You just read every word after the punctuation, just like we discussed.

- Ah, every word after the punctuation. - See, and we were reading every word

BEFORE the punctuation.

"Please prepare the old goat for wedding."

- Why on earth would I say that? - Well, we were rather confused.

As was the goat.

GOAT BLEATS

So, it turns you're better at this secret code lark than we are.

Would help us with this one?

Ah, yes, now we got this letter

from Agent Blenkinsopp three weeks ago.

We've been unable to work out which code he's using.

Trapped in Paris, please send help.

Now, what is he trying to tell us?

There's a message in there somewhere.

Oh!

I'm going for a bath.

Do you actually think he's trapped in Paris, do you?

Where's Paris?

True or false?

Spies in World War II sometimes used wee to write letters? It's...

True! It worked like invisible ink.

When the paper was heated, the wee writing became visible.

Yes, British spies had lots of cunning devices

and all the gadgets you're about to see really were used in World War II.

Psst. Are you Agent Sophie?

Yes, I am she.

Agent Sophie, welcome to France.

I am Claude, your contact in the Resistance. I understand you

- have some instructions? - Yes, they're in my suitcase.

- Here you go. - Er, wait a minute.

You come all the way to German-occupied France

to tell me to wash and to brush my teeth?

No, of course not.

Although...

The secret instructions are hidden inside the soap and the toothpaste.

- They're written on silk. - Oh, this is very clever.

If the Germans search your suitcase they won't find anything.

- Ha-ha! Ingenious. - We thought so.

So tell me, what do you have hidden inside these things?

The hairbrush contains some spare money and the chess set

has a map of France hidden in it - in case I lose my way.

Amazing! You British secret agents have so many things

hidden inside other things. It is wonderful. Oh,

I see you also have brought some dinner and what's this?

Ooh la la, a bottle of wine.

Oh, no, no, no. Be careful with that.

The bottle is actually a bomb.

Of course it is.

I should have guessed. Next you'll be telling me

that you have hidden a machine gun inside this fish.

Yes. Is it that obvious?

I'll have to tell the boffins in London to work on that.

They are geniuses. They've even made mines that look

- just like animal poo. - Aah...

So you are telling me

that this cowpat is actually a landmine?

Ooh, it even smells like the real thing.

No, no, no. That is an actual cowpat.

I didn't bring that with me.

Will you pass me the soap, please?

We Romans loved to watch gory gladiators.

Some fought with a net and trident, some with a spear and a shield,

others with two swords.

And then there were the gladiators who fought with...

ha-ha! Well, just watch this.

I want you to go out there and wipe the floor with him.

You want me to wipe the floor with him?

Not literally. That's going to take ages and look silly.

But go out there and show him who's boss.

- Show him who's boss? Right, I'm... - No, don't try and give him a job.

- Go out there and give him a good licking. - You want me to lick him?

- Go out there and kill him, you big lug! - Kill him! Yeah!

- Yeah! Now, are you ready? - Yes.

No, oi! No, no, no. Are you ready?

Yeeeesss!

There's your sword, your shield

and there's your blindfold. Now, go and get him.

Come on... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Blindfold?

Well, you're an Andabatae now.

That's a very special sort of gladiator.

They fight with a sword, a shield and a blindfold.

Can I not just have a sword and a shield and then...

- That'd make you a Secutores. - I'd like to be one of those. - Problem is,

they've already announced you as an Andabatae, so it's a bit awkward.

Your opponent's an Andabatae as well, he'll be wearing a blindfold.

That's fair enough then. I'll cut him to pieces - if I can find him.

- Ha-ha! - Ha-ha... Well, go on, then. Give him hell.

Yeah! Come on, then!

Wait, left a bit. There you go. Ooh.

Left a bit. Left a bit.

Little bit more.

Get... Oh, not as far as... Oh...

Oh! I do not want to see that.

Anyone got a blindfold?

That's 100% accu-rat.

Andabatae were blindfolded

and pushed towards each other by people with sticks. That's right...

'Scuse me!

..until one of them managed to kill their opponent, wherever they were.

The worst thing about it? It was winner stays on.

Yeah. And there were even sillier ways to die in Roman times.

Stupid deaths, stupid deaths they're funny cos they're true

Whoo! Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

Hope next time it's not you! Hey-hee

Next!

Hello, I'm Diodorus,

erm...the Hunchback.

You don't look much like a hunchback.

Oh, yes - that's why I'm here.

Ooh! Interesting.

I'm all ears. Entertain me.

Well, I'd been a hunchback for years, so I'd given up all hope of any cure,

but then I met Doctor Socles, and he's a Greek medical expert

and he said that he could fix my crooked spine.

Ooh! This sounds like it's going to be good.

He told me to lie on my stomach, and hold my breath and close my eyes.

And then he put three massive stones on my back.

- And? - And when I opened my eyes... I was cured!

- Oh, dear. - But unfortunately I was also dead.

Hooray!

- Squished by Doctor Socles' stones. They'd crushed my spine. - Ha-ha-ha!

That's hilarious. Ooh - have you met my flatmate, Diodorus(?)

Flatmate, get it? Ha-ha-ha-ha.

- Oh, dear. You're through to the afterlife. - Oh, thank you.

- Argh... Ow. - Off you pop.

Do you know, I love my job sometimes. I do, I really do.

Next!

Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

Hope next time it's not you! Hoo-hoo

Ow, my head.

Do you suffer from headaches?!

Yes, I do, and you're not helping.

(Do you suffer from headaches?)

That's better. Yes, yes, I do.

- Need something fast and effective to relieve the pain? - Yes, I do.

Then why not try the latest Saxon cure -

Bag-o-Swallow-Chick-Stomach-Stones.

Yes...

It's simple. Just find a couple of swallow chicks,

cut them open, and look for little stones in their stomach.

Argh, this is disgusting. Now what?

Obvious. Just sew them into a little bag, and pop it on your head.

- Are you sure about this? - Sure, I'm sure.

Just keep the bag on till the headache's gone.

And no sudden movements, or the bag may fall off.

Vikings are coming!

Run for your life!

- Er, the Vikings are coming. - It'll even cure people plagued by goblins.

Yes, but they will cure Vikings?

No. Run away!

Argh! Argh!

I've still got my headache, you know.

- Soon you won't have a head TO ache! - Argh!

The answer is...

..baked dry and rubbed into a powder.

And if you think THAT'S weird, Saxons also believed

having a pig on your battle helmet would bring you good luck.

Helmets... Get your shiny helmets.

All right, mate.

I'd like a refund for this helmet you sold me.

What seems to be the problem?

I bought it because it's got a pig on the top...

Well, it's a very popular choice.

Pig is a favourite animal of our Saxon god, Frey.

But you assured me this helmet would bring me good luck.

- Yeah, well it does. - Yeah? Well, explain this...

Oh. Oh, that IS nasty.

Tell you what, I'll get you a refund.

Where did he go?

HE FARTS

The word Wednesday's named after Woden, the chief Saxon god.

He's also the god of poets.

Now, here's something odd.

He owned a horse with eight legs and wings so it flew.

The weather forecast for tomorrow - downpours of horse poo.

Ha-ha-ha!

In 1520, King Henry VIII of England met Francis I of France

in a celebration of peace between the two countries.

What could possibly go wrong?

Welcome to Horrible Histories World Wrestling!

We are ringside at the Field of the Cloth of Gold, in 1520 AD.

Two of the greatest Tudor monarchs go head to head, King versus King,

in a really royal rumble.

So let's meet the wrestlers.

King Francis I of France, King of bling.

He may not be big, but he's fast, and he sure is pretty.

Pardon... Is zere going to be a fight?

It was my understanding zat we were all 'ere to celebrate ze peace

between our two great nations - with ze music, art, dancing...

And fighting!

OK. Er, normally I have soldiers to do zat sort of thing for me...

Well, not today. Because you're going one on one with Henry VIII,

reigning King of England!

He's six foot two inches, a little over 120 kilos,

and not all of it muscle.

Oi! I heard that.

And if you think Henry's stats are impressive, just check out his tent

for the event.

It's as big as a palace. 100 metres long, 100 metres wide.

It's got its own chapel, 35 priests, and two fountains flowing with wine.

I've been fighting all my life - but THIS is the big one.

I am going to take you down.

I am going to tear you apart.

I'm going to rip your legs off.

Is zis really necessary?

Aren't we meant to be celebrating

ze long, historic friendship between our two peoples?

What better way to celebrate the peace than with a fight?

Well, the tension here is almost unbearable.

- BELL RINGS - And here we go,

for the biggest, longest,

most gruelling wrestling match in history!

It's all over.

Alors! Who's for some art,

music and dancing?

Best of three.

Bon!

It's true. Francis I beat Henry by tripping him up. Ha!

Henry was a really bad loser.

He always liked to get his own way, did Henry.

So, just imagine how well it went down when the Pope told him

he couldn't get a divorce.

Ooh... I'm imagining it.

I'm imagining it.

I'm imagining it!

KING HENRY MUTTERS TO HIMSELF

Er...

Oh, yes!

Yes, I'm still a handsome devil.

Oh, what's this?

Could it be that my dear wife Catherine has given birth?

Oh, she has. Please be a boy.

Please be a boy, please be a boy...

Oh, no! Oh, no...

Why has God forsaken me with only lady babies?

No. I must have a male heir.

A queen on the English throne would be disastrous.

I mean, girls are too silly to rule countries.

This is all my wife's fault.

I'm going to divorce her. No, worse - I'm going to drop her

from my top eight on Yebo, and THEN I'm going to divorce her.

Yes! See how she likes that.

There we go. Take that, you...

Oh, no. That's put the King of France in my top eight.

And he's an idiot.

Right.

I'm going to have to completely rearrange my friends list now.

Huh? Oh...

The Pope. What does he want?

Ah, your Holiness. Hello to you.

I thought you were languishing

in a rat-infested Spanish dungeon? Ha-ha-ha.

I am. But it has excellent wi-fi coverage.

Henry, is it true?

You dropped the Queen from your top eight on Yebo?

Yes, it's true.

- She bore me the wrong kind of baby. I specifically asked for a boy. - Mmm.

So I'd like to divorce her, if that's OK with you.

What? No! No. Absolutely not.

Well, it's too late. I'm looking on tudorbrides.com as we speak.

- Henry, now listen to me... - Here we go.

Here's one.

Anne Boleyn. "Protestant lady

"seeks rich, ennobled husband for good times

"and lots of male heirs. Likes beards."

Well, I must marry her right away.

Henry, the Catholic Church

unremittingly refuses your request for a divorce.

Oh, really? Well, I'm just going to set up my OWN church

if you're going to be like that.

You cannot set up your own church! You need scriptures, and a dogma.

Ha-ha-ha!

That is...

HE YAWNS ..SO 1529.

You can do it all online now.

Yep. There we go. HE CHUCKLES

Church of Henry...

Yes, that's it. Oh, it's gone. No...

Henry. I implore you.

Please, think of the. .. think of the implications,

the damage it will cause, Henry.

Church of England? Yep, that'll do.

HENRY CHUCKLES

Henry, please. Listen to me. I'm the Pope!

Henry! Henry...!

Sorry, your Holiness. Time to go,

e-mail just popped in. It might be from Anne Boleyn.

See you later.

Oh, what does this idiot want?!

King of France indeed.

Oh, he's sent me a virus.

Very clever. Well done. Yeah.

Idiot.

We Incas were discovered in South America in the 1500s

by Spanish explorers,

and it turned out they were after more than just our friendship...

Hola. Welcome to Very Rough Guides.

It's 1526, and I am Spanish explorer Francisco Pizarro.

This is my right hand man, Pedro.

- Hola. - Today's programme is all about visiting Peru.

- And stealing all their gold. - Pedro, please. Uh?

- Don't talk about stealing the gold, OK? - Sorry, boss.

The journey here was very simple.

All we had to do was sail 5,000 miles from Spain to Panama,

travel overland through the dense jungle,

then build a whole new boat and sail down the coast to Peru.

It only took us two-and-a-half years!

Easy-peasy, squeeze the lemon.

And now we are going to meet some local Incas, see how they live

- and find out about their magnificent culture. - And steal their gold.

Pedro, please! Don't mention stealing the gold, OK?

'When we met them, the local Incas couldn't have been more welcoming.'

- Children of the sun. - Oh, yeah!

- Hello! - Welcome!

'They thought we were sun gods

'because the sun reflected off our steel armour.'

Why not take us sun gods

to see all your lovely gold - so we can steal it.

Pedro, I told you not to mention the gold, OK? What is wrong with you?

Do you want to pop in?

Follow us.

'The Incans have some very unusual attitudes to wealth.'

I'm an Incan Chief. I'm very rich.

Wonderful. How very rich, exactly?

Very rich. I have many wives, many children, many grandchildren...

- What about gold? - Pedro, please. - Yes, we've got lots of gold -

but I don't see what that's got to do with being rich.

Oh, nothing at all. Don't worry about it.

OK. No, I...

It's brilliant. In Peru, there is so much gold

the Incans don't really value it.

For them, your family and followers

are your real riches, uh?

(No, no, don't...)

OK. Gold is worthless.

OK, we're going to go now. So, bye.

- Bye-bye! - Nice to meet you.

- Ta-ta. - OK...

Walk, don't run.

Well, they seem very nice.

'I really recommend a visit to Peru.

'My first trip has only cost me 100,000 pesos,'

but next time, I will bring extra troops and I will make millions, uh?

- From stealing all their gold. - Ssshhh!

- What? Don't you push me. - Yeah, but you said...

What? It's OK now. Uh?

Do you see Incans around? No. What is wrong with you all the time?

Why do you push me...

Pizarro grew up in Spain

as a poor boy whose job it was to look after the pigs.

It's said that his parents ran away and left him,

and he was brought up by a sow.

Imagine that!

"Eh, Pizarro - your room looks like a pigsty.

- "Well done, son!" - HE OINKS

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

But it wasn't just the Spaniards who were ruthless.

So were some of the Incas.

And now on Horrible Histories, a music video exclusive.

It's the Incan Lord Pachacuti, with The Pachacuti Song.

GROOVY MUSIC

I'm Pachacuti, the Incan Lord

All other tribes dread it

My name means "He who shakes the Earth"

Not that I'm big-headed

When it comes to claiming nearby lands

I was the type to risk it

But it's how I treat dead enemies

That really took the biscuit

Do the Pachacuti

Do the Pachacuti

Do the Pachacuti

Pachacuti!

INSTRUMENTAL BREAK

Once on a hillside, my troops hid

To cause a rife old strife

And when they jumped out it looked like

The ground had come to life

Boo!

The rocks, they are my warriors

I then used to boast

And that little lie helped us win wars

But violence helped the most

Do the Pachacuti

Do the Pachacuti

Do the Pachacuti

Pachacuti!

If you were a rival chief

We'd kill you first, and then

We'd stuff you like a scarecrow

But one for scaring men

Argh!

Then we'd rest your bony fingers on

The stretched skin of your belly

And in the breeze they'd tap that tum

Like a drummer - but more smelly

Do the Pachacuti

Do the Pachacuti

Do the Pachacuti

Pachacuti!

Want to travel through the time sewers with me?

Then play Horrible Histories Terrible Treasures!

Go to the CBBC website, and click on Horrible Histories.

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