Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptian

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Our King George III was a bit loopy

but not nearly as loopy as the doctors who tried to treat him.

The royal doctor, Your Majesty.

Doctor? I don't need a doctor.

I was telling the Prussian Ambassador here...

That is a pot plant, Your Majesty.

Oh, yes, so it is.

Well, as I was telling this pot plant here

I feel as fit as a pig in Sweden. Och!

Seize the patient!

Huh! What are you doing?

Unhand me, you knaves!

I'm afraid His Majesty is quite mad.

Mad? I'm absolutely furious!

Please. His Majesty must see that he's not well.

I suppose I have been a bit off colour.

As has his wee-wee.

Bright purple.

Yes, thank you.

I think we'll leave the diagnosis and treatment

to those of us trained in the medical profession.

Only science can provide the solution.

Science and mustard.

Mustard?

What a good idea.

I'm a sausage!

Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle!

That's not working. We'll try another Georgian cure.

- Splendid. What's that? - I'm not going to blind you with science,

just assault you with this red hot poker.

It's quite simple, really.

We just wait for a blister to appear and then, pop!

- Is this really supposed to cure him? - Yes, that and shouting at him.

Stop being mad!

Get better!

We Georgian doctors have made great strides

in the treatment of this affliction. Get better!

- Shouldn't you be giving him some medicine? - I already have.

He's on a spoonful of arsenic twice a day.

- Arsenic?! - Yes, mixed in with some other stuff.

But arsenic's poisonous, you're going to make him worse.

Worse? Are you trying to tell me that I, the King's physician,

am making the King worse?

- Are you insane? - Insane?

Because if you are insane, I shall have to treat you too.

Why don't I help you treat him?

Yes, you!

Aaah!

- Stop being mad! - Get better!

- Grow up! - Don't act weird all the time!

Just stop it!

George III really did have purple wee.

It was probably caused by one of his doctor's cures.

You could win Britain's Got Talent with that.

Tonight, Simon, I'm going to fill this bucket with purple wee!

Oh, poor old George III.

He really was one sandwich short of a picnic.

Lay the table. It's Ready, Steady, Feast.

Joining us in the kitchen this week is His Majesty, King George III.

- Oh! - Have you seen the royal doctors?

- No. - Thank heavens.

For some reason, they think I'm not totally sane.

Cluck-cluck-cluck. Chickaboo!

I know, it's absurd, isn't it?

- Still, they can't stop me gardening. - Cooking.

Isn't it? Must be these lights.

What have you brought for us today from your royal kitchen?

- Today I brought a lovely bit of beef. - Oh, nice.

How will you cook it?

Cook it? I'm not going to cook it, I'm going to plant it.

You're going to plant a piece of beef?

I can't think why nobody's thought of it before.

You get yourselves a bit of soil. There we are.

Dig a hole.

Pop the beef in and in six months' time you could have a beef tree.

Or more likely, a lot of dogs digging up your garden.

Grub's up!

- There he is. - It's the royal doctors!

- Well... - How's the beef tree coming along?

Come here, Sire.

It's a good job I brought a sandwich.

Grub's up!

Yo! My name's Elagabalus and I'm the Emperor of Rome,

even though I'm only a teenager which is well wicked.

To make myself more popular with the people of Rome

I've invented my own lottery, Romo Lottery Millions!

Play my game and you could be well minted like I am,

but not as much as me.

Come to my Roman arena, grab yourself a ticket

and see what you've won!

I don't believe it! I've won a slave.

That's nothing. I've just won a new house.

- Yes! - Brilliant!

Thing is, doing all this good stuff can get really boring.

So I've decided to spice things up a bit

and now not all my prizes are quite so nice.

Wait up, I've won something as well.

Agh! It's a dead dog!

Ha-ha! My practical jokes are well grimy.

A dead dog! That's so mingin'.

I wonder what I've won.

Oh! It's bees! It's bees!

Ha-ha!

A box full of bees! He's well stung, man.

Romo Lottery Millions is prank-tastic.

I've even made the ticket bit more exciting.

I fire them from catapults and the crowd have to scramble to get them.

Only, sometimes I put some poisonous snakes in as well.

Ha-ha-ha!

Look at them!

Yeah. Play my prank-tastic Romo Lottery Millions.

It's well random, dog!

Warning: Being bitten to death by poisonous snakes

or being trampled to death may result in death.

Most def.

Not everyone liked Elagabalus's sense of humour.

Like many emperors, he ended up being murdered in Rome.

To avoid the same fate, Emperor Tiberius moved to Capri

but he still lived in fear of assassination.

Emperor Tiberius of Rome.

I have received word from the gate there is a man here to see you.

Emperor Tiberius?

- Is he an assassin? - No. - Are you sure he won't kill me?

The only reason I came to the island of Capri

was to get away from the assassins.

He's not here to kill you. He's here to welcome you.

He's got you a nice present and everything.

OK, show him in.

FANFARE

Oh, great Emperor Tiberius. I have brought you a gift.

It is this fish.

HE SCREAMS

Guards! Guards! This man is going to try and kill me with this fish!

- What? - Did he say fish?

He's just being paranoid again.

He'll use the fish to open my guts and cut off my head

and then he's going to shove my guts down my neck

and use my head to play keepie-uppie.

Then he's going to throw me into the sea.

- Seize him! - What? I wasn't. This is just a dead fish!

It's a gift.

Take the fish and rub it on his face.

- What? - Yes, Emperor.

Sorry about this, mate.

See? The scales are taking his face off.

I told you it was a dangerous fish.

Make him kiss it.

Here, kiss it.

- Hit him with it. - Seriously...

That teach you, won't it?

I tell you what, it's a good job I didn't bring in the massive crab.

- Don't say that... - What?

Bring me this massive crab.

I didn't mean it... It's just a joke.

Pinch his nose with it. Ooh, yes!

How do you like them eggs?

That teach you to be a nasty assassin.

I should have just brought flowers.

Mister bad man!

Well done, guys.

That's true. Paranoid Tiberius did rub that man's face with a fish.

He wasn't the only scaredy cat emperor.

Domitian had the walls of his palace polished like mirrors

so he could see people sneaking up on him.

I'm no scaredy cat, though. I'm petrifiedy of them!

MIAOW

Hello and welcome to the Saxon Weather Forecast

where we use the most reliable Saxon superstitions

to predict the weather.

Off the coast of Wales, dolphins have been spotted leaping out of the water

which of course means gale force winds are to follow.

Good news up in Scotland where we've seen some red sky at night.

Expect calm weather there.

That's assuming the red sky wasn't a monastery on fire

after a Viking raid.

Over in Kent, some splashes from oars have been spotted

glittering on a night voyage.

That can only mean one thing - there's a storm brewing.

Don't forget on Sunday there was a thunderstorm.

Bad news for any monks or nuns watching

as that means some of you are going to die.

On Wednesday there's also going to be thunder

which is unfortunate for lazy women as it means they'll die too.

That's about all we've got time for so have a nice week,

unless you're a nun and you're lazy, in which case you're totally stuffed!

We Saxons really believed all that.

What a superstitious bunch, eh!

We were terrified of ghosts

and we had some funny ideas about how to keep them at bay.

- Hello, darling. - Hello.

Well, we don't have to worry about ghosts any more.

I wasn't worried about ghosts.

- What have you done? - Burnt all our crops, every last field.

Apparently it's the new Saxon way to keep ghosts at bay.

No more ghosts for us.

And no more food.

Oh, yeah.

I haven't really thought this through, have I?

At least when I die of starvation I won't haunt anyone.

You won't die of starvation, my love.

- Because I'm going to kill you first, you idiot! - That hurts!

- Take that! - All right, I'm sorry!

Yes, when crops failed Saxons filled out their flour with tree bark,

wild grass and even stinging nettles.

Ouch!

Ouch!

What's in the stew?

Erm... It's a family recipe.

Where's Granny gone?

For fewer mouths to feed, sell any children under the age of seven.

- Sell him! - Sell her!

No, sell him!

Can you take them both?

Are you serious?

'That's what 40 villagers did in Sussex.'

That's a bit drastic. Any other suggestions?

'You're right, a terrible idea.

'How about number five? Become the lord of the manor's slave

'so he has to feed you.'

Oh, that sounds better.

Oh, Lord, I have pledged to be your slave and will do anything you ask.

Brilliant! First job then,

clean up my bunions and we'll eat.

Actually, I think I've lost my appetite.

Howdy, partner! American history is pretty horrible too.

We had our fair share of fights and battles

and our fair share of (LAUGHS) stupid deaths.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# They're funny cos they're true

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you! #

We could have dinner. He won't mind.

Next! And you are?

My name's Clement Vallandingham, Your Honour, I'm a criminal lawyer.

Come on, then, entertain us with your death.

The stupider, the better.

Well, sir, I was an expert in criminal law

and one day I was defending a man

who was accused of shooting someone dead.

Yes, very interesting. (Not!)

I wanted to prove that the dead man had accidentally shot himself.

I was demonstrating this to my legal team.

I drew out my pistol...

..fell to my knees.

- Your Honour, I did not realise my pistol was loaded. - Go on.

- Please, don't make me say this. - Oh, we're all ears now.

- I accidentally shot myself, OK?! - HE LAUGHS

Sorry, sorry!

Sorry, that's not funny, it's very serious.

Yes, it is funny!

Nincompoop!

I shall just, um, consult with the judges on that.

HE LAUGHS I know, I know!

Oh, come on, Louis. Get a sense of humour!

Two yeses. You're through to the Afterlife. Well done.

Thank you very much, Your Honour. Ma'am.

Off you shoot. HE LAUGHS

Off you shoot! Did you hear...?

I know, I'm wicked. I really am!

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #

Clement Vallandigham's accident there

did prove his client to be innocent

and Clement to be very, very stupid.

It was a pretty tragic thing to happen,

but not half as tragic as this.

During one battle of the American Civil War,

the Yankee soldiers were having a real problem

getting past the rebel Confederate troops.

But then, one general had a brilliant idea.

Why not go under them?

The Yankees had hundreds of coalminers fighting for them.

So they just dug a tunnel right under the rebels.

They packed it full of gunpowder,

lit the fuse and blew up their enemy.

The plan had worked perfectly.

The Yankee troops rushed forward to capture the bomb crater.

But there was one small problem. They couldn't get out again.

The Confederate survivors shot them all, like fish in a barrel.

The enemy lost 1,500 men,

but the Yankees lost twice as many.

One of the most famous and frightening pirates of all time

was known as Blackbeard.

Oh, no! Here he comes now!

# When I was a nipper I boarded a clipper

# Sailed the seas as a goods importer Oh

# Edward Teach is my name But I earnt my fame

# As Blackbeard the pirate of the water, oh

# What a jolly chap With a jaunty cap

# Always gave my crew good quarter Oh

# But I'm best known for blood and guts and gore

# And a vicious reign of murdering and slaughter, oh

# Best known for blood and guts and gore

# And a vicious reign of murdering and slaughter, oh

# Left my home in Bristol with a sword and pistol

# Bid a fond farewell to Old Blighty Oh

# What my enemies feared was my thick black beard

# Which I always enjoyed setting light to, oh

# Once I had a thing for a captive's lovely ring

# That shone like a jewel in the nightie, oh

# When the man said no I just said, oh

# And chopped off his hand and said, righty-oh

# Man said no, he said, oh

# Chopped off his hand and said, righty-oh

# Oh, I loved to sail the ocean

# With my flag that inspired emotion

# With its smiling pile of skull and bones

# Smashing hearts with a violent stabbing motion

# And I loved to escape detection

# And to win my crew's affection

# Which was nothing to do with the 12 guns he wore

# On his belt that were for protection

# I was awfully nice But I had the odd vice

# Which occasionally caused a commotion

# The thing that I'd do was shoot members of my crew

# If they didn't show enough devotion

# The thing he'd do was shoot members of the crew

# If they didn't show enough devotion

# Once when very irate I shot my first mate

# Israel Hands for a bit of pleasure, oh

# And when my debts grew killed half of my crew

# To increase my share of the treasure, oh

# Was doing well then seemed to run out of men

# My captors boarded at their leisure, oh

# Smote me dead then cut off my head

# And displayed it on my mast for good measure, oh

# Smote him dead chopped off his head

# Displayed it on the mast for good measure. Oh. #

- Do you suffer from headaches? - Oh!

Do you suffer from headaches?

Tense, nervous headaches?

Pain behind the eyes that you just can't shift?

Then you need Trepanadol.

It is our unique starter pack.

It's got everything you need. A sharp stone.

- Sharp stone. - And a blunt stone. - Blunt stone.

Now, concentrate. Here comes the sciencey bit.

At the first sign of a headache, get an unqualified colleague

to knock a small hole into your skull

using the sharp stone as a chisel and the blunt stone as a hammer.

Hammer! Hammer!

By knocking a hole in your skull,

you'll let out the devils inside your head

and it'll be bye-bye, headache.

Trepanning is quite likely to result in death.

Headache gone now! Ha-ha-ha!

THUD!

Warning! Do not try trepanning at home.

There is evidence that lots of Stone Age people survived it.

Yeah! Believe it or not.

But that doesn't mean you should give it a go.

Otherwise, you might need a Stone Age burial.

APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome once again to Stone Age Family Fortunes!

Let's meet the teams.

Joining us all the way from Stone Age Britain, it's the Ugg family.

And playing against them this evening,

from Stone Age Chile, it's the Ugio family.

You're very welcome. Hello, there. Are they, are they OK?

Granny and Gramps? They're having a great time, you know.

We are from the world-famous Chinchiro tribe.

We like to mummify our loved ones

and bring them out on special occasions.

That's how we roll, homes!

Well, very best of luck tonight.

Oh, no! That's happened.

APPLAUSE

Captains, will you please join me at the Plinth of Dreams?

We asked 100 Stone Age people to name

something you might bury with a member of the family.

- BUZZ! - Ugio.

- Can I confer? - Of course.

What do you think? Don't look at me like that, you're freaking me out.

We would not bury them because we find that disrespectful.

So we would cut off their arms, their head, their legs,

rip out their insides, stuff them with mud,

put them back together and paint them.

That way, they will know how much we love them.

That's not the answer I have on the card here.

Bearing in mind, Ugio, we did ask 100 European Stone Age people.

So, Ugg, something you might bury with a member of the family.

- Flowers. - You said flowers. Our survey said...

Flowers is the right answer! Please rejoin your families.

- Weapon? - Weapons.

Correct!

- Food. - That's right.

Dog.

Pets. I'll accept dog.

Anything that might make them more comfortable in the Afterlife.

We'd tie their limbs together so they can't jump out.

Is the correct answer!

Tying them up? Where's your respect, homes?

If you really love them, you would cut off their limbs and skin them.

- Are you saying I don't love my family? - What if I am?

You don't know my family. You're a silly little man.

A silly little man!

Let's see what Ugg has won!

Yes! Throw away your old stone tools.

The Bronze Age is here and it's metal.

You'll be the talk of the tribe with your very own bronze weapon!

- No, not the face! - Argh!

SHOCKED GASPS

Um...you've killed Ugio.

Yeah. Um...

Maybe we should cut off his arms and legs,

scrape out his innards, fill him with mud and put him back together.

Well, it's what he would've wanted.

- Say goodbye, everybody! - APPLAUSE

That's great! Say goodbye.

Come on. Say goodbye. Oh, it's happened again! Doesn't matter.

# Lots of things in history are actually a mystery

# The truth's not always in the books you read

# Facts can get distorted or even misreported

# Imagine if that was all down to me

# Cliff Whitelie. #

- It's Whiteley! - Sorry.

Yeah, yeah. Well, your newspaper got it wrong, mate.

Albert Einstein was a famous scientist.

Frank Enstein was the one with a monster.

So print an apology!

Whallop!

Cliff? I've got Florence Nightingale and...

Sorry, what was your name again?

Mary Seacole.

- Mary Seacole to see you. - Thank you. Show 'em in, please.

Ladies. Cliff Whiteley, tellin' it how it wasn't.

Take a pew.

Right. What seems to be the problemo?

The problem is all of the history books about the Crimean War

only seem to mention one nurse.

- Florence Nightingale. - Florence Nightingale!

Well, I should hope so, too.

We did a great deal of work ensuring Old Flo went down in history.

- What a catchphrase! - The lady with the lamp.

Whallop!

- You forget about me? - No offence, love, but I ain't never heard of ya.

Me sold up me home in Jamaica and paid for me ticket to the Crimea.

When me get there, me built me own hostel with me own money

to provide care for the injured British soldiers.

- Wow! - Yes, yes, but it was my military hospitals

that dealt with all the really nasty injuries.

Not just you. I'd actually go out

and treat the injuries upon the battlefield!

Well, I did pioneering work in cleanliness and hygiene.

I worked in cholera and tropical medicine.

Well, I invented the pie chart.

You did really invent the pie chart?

- Yes, I did. - I did not know that.

All right, ladies, chill out. Asseyez-vous.

Now, Mary, how come she's famous and I ain't never heard of ya?

When the war ended, one of us was still rich and influential

and could go on to do great work,

whilst the other was just a poor, penniless black woman.

That is terrible, after everything you did.

- Let's see if we can't get you publicity. - What?

Shut it, Lampy Knickers!

Now, we'll get you a statue, obviously.

Maybe get a university wing named after you.

Oh! How would you feel about being featured

in an historical sketch show for the BBC?

- It any good? - It ain't bad.

Whallop!

Yes. A statue of Mary Seacole in central London

hopefully means more people will now know who she is.

Top work, Cliff!

Now, where's my statue, eh? Eh?

Of course, when you learnt about people in Victorian schools,

you learnt the proper Victorian way - by repetition.

Queen Victoria was born in 1819.

ALL: Queen Victoria was born in 1819.

Queen Victoria became Queen in 1837.

ALL: Queen Victoria became Queen in 1837.

Bleatherby! We do not drink ink!

ALL: Bleatherby! We do not drink ink!

No, no. That was just for Bleatherby.

ALL: No, no. That was just for Bleatherby.

Children, you do not have to repeat everything I say.

ALL: Children, you do not have to repeat everything I say.

- Stop it! - ALL: Stop it! - Stop it!

- I smell of wee. - ALL: You smell of wee.

Ha-ha! That wasn't exact repetition.

ALL: Ha-ha! That wasn't exact repetition.

- Argh! - ALL: Argh!

The headmaster's coming!

Behave, or the silly old goat will drag me to his office.

Is everything all right, Mr Hanrahan?

ALL: The headmaster's coming.

Behave, or the silly old goat will drag me to his office.

Mr Hanrahan, a word in my office, please.

- (Thanks a bunch!) - ALL: You're welcome.

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

Want to travel through the time sewers with me?

Then play Horrible Histories Terrible Treasures.

Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #

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