All language subtitles for Happys.Place.S01E12.HDTV.x264-TORRENTGALAXY

- You're right.
- There y'all are.

Where you been?

Isabella has been giving me some tips

on how to become a good mother.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, really?

I got an A in childhood
socioemotional functioning

and cognitive development.

Plus, I did a lot of babysitting.

Yeah.

And since I'm thinking
about becoming a mom,

I wanted to know what it would be like.

And I thought who better to ask?

[LAUGHS]

How about asking someone
who's actually had a baby?

I don't know, maybe somebody like me?

Bobbie, you had Gracie decades ago.

Isabella just took that class.

I think Bobbie's feeling left out.

I don't feel left out.

Are you sure?

I'll listen if you feel like
you've got something to offer.

Of course I've got something to offer!

- Oh.
- Oh, see, Gabby,

that's the insecure attachment
style I was talking about.

Ah, mm.

See, if a child doesn't feel protected,

it can lead to the need

for outside validation in adulthood.

Mm-hmm, good example.

Thank you, Bobbie.
You've been very helpful.

OK, here's all you need to know.

You tell them you love them in
the morning when they wake up.

You tell them you love
them when they go to bed.

And try not to drop 'em in between.

Everybody's got advice.

You know, one book
says you should be strict.

Another book says you
should be easygoing.

Then you watch a "Roseanne" rerun

and you think you should scream at them.

Ignore all of that.

One thing I know for sure, Gabby,

today, right now, you'd
make a great mom.

I agree 100%.

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Hey, guys.

I bet you're wondering why
I'm walking in backwards.

And no, it's not because the
squats have been paying off.

Ring-a-ding, I'm a mom!

Oh, my God!

She stole a baby!

Dear diary, today was
an interesting day at work.

♪ Sometimes it feels
like a big ol' fight ♪

♪ To get through the day ♪

♪ And sleep on through the night ♪

♪ But here you'll find a place ♪

♪ That'll surely lift your spirits ♪

♪ You belong at Happy's Place ♪

Gabby, what have you done?

Well, you remember last
week when you said that I would

be a great mother right now?

Well, now is now. [CHUCKLES]

This is my starter baby.

Morning, Gabby. Cute kid.

Aw, you're sweet.

But it's not...

human.

It's an AI baby that I ordered online.

Dear diary,

the child that will free
the robots has arrived.

- Aw.
- Oh, hello.

Wow. I've heard of these.

It's so lifelike.

That kid is creeping...

- right into my heart.
- [CHUCKLES]

- So dang cute.
- Yeah.

Hey, Emmett. Come
say hi to Gabby's baby.

OK, why is it...

he... she... it... them.

Why?

Well, I wanted my baby to
meet the rest of my family.

And now that they have, we
can spend the whole day together.

[GIGGLES]

Dear diary, Alexa has found a body.

Why did she go into the office
for privacy while she feeds it?

She's not actually
nursing that thing, is she?

OK, normally, I don't like to
tell you guys how to behave.

Yes, you do.

Gabby doesn't want to show it,

but she's really nervous, OK?

How you respond to this matters.

And we all said that we'd support her

when she said she was
thinking about having a child.

Right, which we will,
when she has a child.

And not an iPad.

You can't say that joke
in front of Gabby, OK?

What if she's not in the room?

Then we'll be laughing our asses off.

Boy, someone was certainly hungry.

Dear God.

Well, I don't know about
y'all, but I'm impressed.

Gabby's only been a mom for one day,

and she's already knocking
it out of the ballpark.

Oh. Oh, gosh. Oh, you know what?

You guys are the best.

I can't think of anyone
I'd rather watch my baby

for the day than you all.

[CHUCKLES] What's that now?

We totally support you, Gabby.

So what Gabby needs, Gabby gets.

OK, how can we help?

Well, I'm practicing for
worst-case scenarios.

This is the day that my
babysitter is unavailable.

Just imagine a new one.

I did. Also unavailable.

Both my babysitters,
Stacy I and Stacy Y,

who I'm thinking are best friends,

went to a concert out of state,

which is partly my fault
because I pay them so well.

[CHUCKLES] I mean,
excuse me for being generous.

And the roads are closed
because of, um, lava.

Chains don't help with that.

Are we seriously
having this conversation?

Look, Emmett, I know
that this may seem silly,

but if I'm gonna do this,
I'm gonna be a single mom,

and I need to know that
I can count on you guys.

I can't do this alone.

You won't be alone.

We are all totally committed

to helping you take care of the...

little one.

You're darn tootin' we are.

Now give me that little
cutie, and I'll take the first shift.

Oh, no, no, no, I want
to pick who goes first.

[CHUCKLING] Um...

oh, well, Steve, you seem
to be avoiding my gaze.

No, I'm just concerned
about those babysitters.

With that lava and those ticket prices.

Oh, oh, what's that, sweetie?

Oh, oh, you want to
go to your Uncle Steve?

Oh, OK.

Isabella is nice.

Takoda loves kids.

Bobbie has boobies.

If it gets hungry, I
am not going to feed it.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Doesn't that hurt your arms?

Yes, it's agonizing.

Will you please take your baby?

No. I need to know that you can do this.

You're just torturing me.

You will never let me
take care of your baby.

Yes, I would.

You keep a schedule,
you're very hygienic,

you're always aware
of your surroundings.

You're like a Roomba with great hair.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I guess I could try.

Yes.

There ya go.

Aw.

- It's not that bad.
- No.

It's kind of nice, actually.

I could get used to it's wet.

You know what?

You're gonna have to do
it. Yeah, I got to take this.

It's a school we've
been trying to get into.

Are you changing that
baby or preparing it?

It's not really wet. I just
pretended it was so I could

stop pretending it's real.

I hear ya.

I'm all about supporting Gabby,

but this is really strange.

Yeah.

But it is kind of cute, don't you think?

Kind of cute? What
are you talking about?

Oh, oh.

No, you don't have to
worry. Gabby can't hear you.

She's still talking on the
phone with that fake school.

Good. Then I can
stop pretending to care.

Oh, no, baby. The
baby's hair is messed up.

No. All better, yeah.

What the hell's wrong with you?

It's just...

it's kind of nice, Gabby
wanting me to look after it.

I'll probably never have
one of my own because of,

you know, everything going on up here.

That thing got to you, didn't it?

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] It's sweet.

Makes cute noises. It's heated.

It's even got that new baby smell.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

That's nice.

Is that cinnamon?

What are you staring at?

If I knew, I wouldn't be staring.

Hey, if you don't mind,

I'd like to take a shot at it.

OK.

Come on. Support its head.

Bye, baby. Bye.

- Out!
- OK.

I'm gonna name you Cinnamon.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Well, that'll do it.

[SIGHS]

Now we're both food safety-compliant.

I know you're a little young
to be learning this stuff,

but I'm gonna teach
you how to make soup,

and you are gonna love it.

And look what we have here.

We have a carrot and
it's a little-bitty baby,

just like you.

Isn't that cute?

Both wearing bandannas
'cause they're bald.

I only did this 'cause I
thought Gabby was watching.

Here, take this thing off my hands.

Ha! Fine.

Baby up!

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[BABY CRYING]

Bobbie, where's the baby?

Bobbie!

Oh. I... I'm sorry.

[CHUCKLES] Had my earplugs in.

- [BABY CRYING]
- You need me?

No, but we have to find the baby.

Whoever has her is doing a terrible job.

Well, I disagree.

I think the one who
has her is a total genius.

[BABY CRYING]

This is not OK.

Oh, she's fine.

The only problem is the
drawer isn't soundproof.

I was gonna get Takoda
to check on it and fix it.

But what are the chances I'll
ever put another baby in there?

I mean we're supposed to be proving that

we know how to handle a baby.

Newsflash, it's a doll.

Oh, remember this from high school?

- Think fast!
- [SCREAMS]

- [LAUGHS]
- That was so wrong.

What happened? I heard
a scream. Is the baby OK?

Oh, she's fine. Just
a little low on oil.

[LAUGHS] She's kidding.

I was screaming because I
finally got to hold the baby.

Aw. I'm just... I'm so relieved
that you guys are taking this

seriously because it is
really important to me

that you get a good grade.

Good grade? What do you mean?

Oh, didn't I tell you?

- No.
- [CHUCKLES] Duh. Mommy brain.

No, see, the app has a
program that gathers information

from the baby's sensors
on how often it's held

and how long it takes to change it

or soothe it, you
know, that kind of thing.

And then at the end of
the night, you get a grade.

Oh. [CHUCKLES] Hear that, Bobbie?

We're gonna get graded. [CHUCKLES]

Lucky you're a genius!

So would I get credit
for playing with a baby

if I, like, I don't know,
tossed it in the air?

At this age? God, no.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

I mean, what if I put
it in the filing cabinet

under B for baby?

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, gosh, I needed that laugh.

It is just so nice to
be around adults. Ugh!

Oh, yeah.

Well, I can see that she is
in good hands, so have fun.

Yeah.

I want a new partner for this project.

[DOWNBEAT MUSIC]

So we're getting graded. That's fine.

I mean, that baby
couldn't have been in there

more than five, ten,

45 minutes.

OK, we'll just have to be

really, really good from now on.

So, and I can't believe
I have to say this,

no more chucking the
baby across the room.

- OK.
- Good.

That's good.

- [BABY CRYING]
- Ah.

Bad. That's bad. What'd you do?

What'd I do?

You're stressing me out and
the baby's picking up on it.

Well, calm down.

Well, that's hard to do
when you're yelling at me!

I'm not yelling!

I'm not yelling, I'm
just... take its clothes off.

Maybe there's an off switch.

Ooh, ooh.

One of the ways to soothe a baby

is to mimic the motion
and sound of the womb.

Seriously?

Go for it, Professor.

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa!

- Whoa!
- [BABY CRYING]

It's working. It's working.

Ooh, ooh.

Was that the womb or Sea World?

See, this is why we take it seriously.

Oh, the baby is caught on my hair.

- What?
- Oh, oh.

She's caught in my hair.
Help! Ow, ow! Get it off of me!

- I'm trying.
- Get it off of me!

- Oh, no, you're pulling my hair!
- [BABY CRYING]

What the heck are you
ladies doing in here?

Baby fight club. What does it look like?

May I?

- Gladly.
- [BABY CRYING]

Aw, what's the matter, little baby?

Why you crying?

[SINGING IN LAKOTA]

- [BABY COOING]
- What the heck?

[SINGING IN LAKOTA]

Is there anything you can't fix?

Well, I do have four kids
and an awesome voice.

I want to thank you all so much

for looking after little Erasmus.

Who?

The self-aware android in "Dune"

who learned what it meant
to be human and care.

Exquisitely appropriate.

Sometimes the way you use
words just chaps my cheeks.

I have a feeling your cheeks
are chapped all the time.

Anytime you need me, Gabby, I'm there.

It was nice holding a little one again.

I'm gonna call my wife

and see if she forgot
what labor feels like.

OK, I can't stand the suspense.

How did we do with little Uranius?

OK, well, let's see if this village

is qualified to raise a baby.

So what? Did we do bad?

You got a 93.

Oh, a 93? A minus!

Come on!

It's good. It's really good.

Yes, I knew it. Ow!

I'm happy, too, but don't touch me.

OK.

- What are you doing?
- I'm giving you the baby.

I should never be a mother.

[DOWNBEAT MUSIC]

- [KNOCK AT DOOR]
- It's open.

Hey, Gabby.

You forgot your tips from the bar and,

oh, yeah, your baby.

It's not a baby.

It's a pending charge on my
credit card I plan to dispute.

We don't understand why you're so upset.

Yeah, we passed your test.

I know, I know.

You guys got a 93 and I only got a 71.

When did you get a grade?

Wait, how long have you had this thing?

Three days.

And 71 was my best score.

See, I was hoping that the app would

give you a lousy score, too.

So then I would know
that it was defective.

But nope.

It's just me.

No, no, no, no no, it's not you.

The app is defective.

There's no way in the world
we should have gotten a 93.

I left that baby in the
drawer for 30 minutes.

Yeah, and then she winged
it across the room to me.

And when it got caught on my hair,

- she just grabbed it and ripped it away.
- God.

Yeah, yeah, if that app was good,

they'd have called the cops on us.

Oh, great.

Now how am I supposed to know
if I'm gonna be a good mother?

Hmm, I don't know. Let me think.

I know. Have a baby!

No, I need to know first.

I have to know that I am
not gonna be like my mother.

Oh, honey, that's not gonna happen.

Just the fact that
you're worrying about it

is a sign that it probably won't.

- Probably won't.
- Yeah.

Which means it might.

Gabby, listen to me.

I also have a very challenging mother,

so I understand what you're feeling.

Oh, really?

Did your mother steal a dog

from the people around the block

and give it to you for your birthday?

Just to have them take it
back the first time you walked it?

And then have all the
people on your street

put a sign on your lawn that
said "caution, dog stealer"?

No, but she was emotionally
distant sometimes.

God, how do you cope?

Here's the point I'm trying to make.

OK? You already learned what not

to do when you become a mom.

But what if I never
learn that other part?

You know, what you're supposed to do.

Honey, you don't learn that part.

You feel it.

Well, Bobbie, I don't trust
myself to feel something

that I have never experienced.

You know what? Maybe she's right.

Maybe she doesn't need to have a baby.

- What?
- Yeah.

You're not serious, are you?

Oh, well, I mean, it's a big deal.

Like I always say, better
safe than sorry, right, Gabby?

I guess, yep.

So we don't need this anymore. [SIGHS]

What do you want me to do?

Put it in the trash? Or do you recycle?

What?

I mean, it's not like

we can take an ad out and
say we want to sell a baby.

- Right, right.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Too bad it doesn't have any organs

that we could sell on the black market.

What is wrong with you?

OK. No, no, no.

I... I see what you're doing and
you know, it's not gonna work.

Do whatever with that doll.

Because you know
what? I don't feel anything.

OK, well, I'll just
put it out on the curb.

OK.

Somebody will take it

or a dog will think it's a
chew toy or something.

- Come on, Isabella.
- Really?

A doggy chew toy, but I'm the sicko?

[BABY CRYING]

Oh, stop! Come back.

Give her to me.

OK. Oh, there, there.

- Gabby's here. Yeah.
- [BABY COOING]

I'm not gonna let
that bad lady hurt you.

You see that? You felt what to do.

Those were the natural
reactions of a great mom.

Don't throw the baby out
is a pretty low bar, Bobbie.

OK, yeah.

But your instinct was
to protect the baby.

OK? Would your mother have done that?

I want to believe you. I really do.

But it is just so scary.

I don't know why people
put themselves through this.

Mama.

What? Say that again.

Mama.

[GASPS] Did you hear that?

She called me Mama.

Aw.

Well, I guess you got your answer.

- Mm.
- That was crazy timing.

Do you think it did that deliberately?

It saved itself.

[BABBLING INDISTINCTLY]

All right, Gabby, we're out of here.

I don't think she's listening.

Good.

- Bobbie?
- Yo.

- My tips.
- Oh. Got them right here.

I'm gonna need those.

I'm gonna be a single mom.

You might want to get two jobs.