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1
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Let's go.
2
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Doc.
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She has no recollection
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of the last eight years.
5
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Bring it on.
6
00:00:06,789 --> 00:00:07,789
I came here to help you.
7
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"Kitchen Nightmares ”
8
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Are you in.
9
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And “Going Dutch ”
10
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Pew pew pew.
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First guns I've
seen on the base.
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Let's go, let's go.
13
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All available now.
14
00:00:18,061 --> 00:00:19,061
Oh.
15
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♪ Jingle bells jingle bells
16
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Hey, you. Boy.
17
00:00:26,113 --> 00:00:28,419
- What the hell is goin' on?
- It's Christmas, sir.
18
00:00:28,506 --> 00:00:30,639
No, it's not. It's
the middle of spring.
19
00:00:30,726 --> 00:00:32,206
And why are you
talking like that?
20
00:00:32,336 --> 00:00:34,903
I'm Tiny Tim from
A Christmas Carol.
21
00:00:34,904 --> 00:00:37,298
- We're performing it today.
- Yeah?
22
00:00:37,385 --> 00:00:39,276
You better work on that limp
'cause I ain't buying it for
23
00:00:39,300 --> 00:00:42,738
a second, pal. You're not
limping, you're just hopping.
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00:00:42,825 --> 00:00:45,696
An orange if you've been a
good little soldier girl.
25
00:00:45,697 --> 00:00:48,004
Mm-hmm. Now go and decorate
the tree, of course.
26
00:00:48,135 --> 00:00:51,181
Ooh, tell me, colonel,
have you been a good boy?
27
00:00:51,312 --> 00:00:53,203
- What the hell's going on?
- Oh, you don't know?
28
00:00:53,227 --> 00:00:55,229
- No.
- During Second World War...
29
00:00:55,359 --> 00:00:56,925
Stroopsdorf couldn't
celebrate Christmas
30
00:00:56,926 --> 00:00:58,884
because we were under
enemy occupation.
31
00:00:58,971 --> 00:01:01,408
- Uh-huh. You're welcome by the...
- And after we got liberated...
32
00:01:01,409 --> 00:01:03,758
We decided to celebrate
in spring instead.
33
00:01:03,759 --> 00:01:07,544
So now we celebrate Christmas
twice a year. Twice Christmas.
34
00:01:07,545 --> 00:01:09,547
Wh-why are you dressed
like a real Pope?
35
00:01:09,678 --> 00:01:13,768
I'm Dutch Father Christmas,
known as Sinterklaas,
36
00:01:13,769 --> 00:01:15,770
a svelte man who
travels from Madrid
37
00:01:15,771 --> 00:01:17,686
in a tugboat full of oranges
38
00:01:17,773 --> 00:01:20,558
just to put candy in
little children's boots.
39
00:01:20,645 --> 00:01:23,126
So let me get this straight,
you're a fruit peddler
40
00:01:23,257 --> 00:01:25,346
who's got a foot fetish.
Is that the idea?
41
00:01:25,476 --> 00:01:28,218
At least it's not as
idiotic as your Santa Claus,
42
00:01:28,349 --> 00:01:31,569
that grinning mascot for your
country's obesity and the whore
43
00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:34,268
to your corporations.
Yes, I said it, a whore.
44
00:01:34,355 --> 00:01:36,530
I'm gonna give you
literally three seconds to
45
00:01:36,531 --> 00:01:38,248
disappear, or I'm gonna hit
you in the head with an...
46
00:01:38,272 --> 00:01:40,056
- Colonel, it's Twice Christmas.
- Yeah.
47
00:01:40,187 --> 00:01:41,100
And I'm gonna hit
you twice as hard.
48
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,971
No, colonel, are you crazy?
49
00:01:42,972 --> 00:01:44,713
- Ah...
- No, don't do it! Ah!
50
00:01:44,843 --> 00:01:46,367
It's-it's Christmas. Ah!
51
00:01:53,417 --> 00:01:54,939
Oh, colonel, no.
Please be a good boy.
52
00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:57,028
Ah, colonel. Ah, ah...
53
00:01:57,029 --> 00:01:59,030
Maggie. Ah, ah!
54
00:01:59,031 --> 00:02:00,598
Jan, are you okay?
55
00:02:00,729 --> 00:02:02,165
- Help me.
- What happened?
56
00:02:02,296 --> 00:02:04,950
Your father was
throwing oranges at me.
57
00:02:05,037 --> 00:02:07,083
I've never seen him so brutal.
58
00:02:07,214 --> 00:02:11,260
I should have known. My
father despises Christmas.
59
00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:13,872
Ruined every single one
till I was, like, 16.
60
00:02:14,003 --> 00:02:17,397
The day after Thanksgiving
when the decorations went up,
61
00:02:17,398 --> 00:02:21,184
that was, that was
my Black Friday.
62
00:02:21,271 --> 00:02:22,358
I'm pretty sure
that's everyone's
63
00:02:22,359 --> 00:02:23,186
Black Friday, but, yeah.
64
00:02:23,317 --> 00:02:25,101
It's gonna be everyone here's
65
00:02:25,188 --> 00:02:27,190
Black Tuesday unless I stop him
66
00:02:27,321 --> 00:02:30,149
because he will cancel
Twice Christmas.
67
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:33,195
He will take away Christmas
68
00:02:33,196 --> 00:02:35,329
like the fussy green
grump of legend.
69
00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:37,373
There is no amount of
boo-hooing from Whoville
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00:02:37,374 --> 00:02:39,333
that's gonna make his
heart grow any bigger.
71
00:02:39,420 --> 00:02:41,900
He already takes
pills for that, so...
72
00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:46,296
- Perfect.
- Be careful with that.
73
00:02:46,427 --> 00:02:48,428
General. Colonel. I
didn't know you'd be here.
74
00:02:48,429 --> 00:02:50,344
Also, as a quick follow-up,
why are you here?
75
00:02:50,474 --> 00:02:52,128
I admit I'm a man
of basic tastes.
76
00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:55,086
I like Michael Buble,
chicken teriyaki,
77
00:02:55,087 --> 00:02:56,175
the films of Ron Howard.
78
00:02:56,176 --> 00:03:00,789
But most of all,
I love Christmas.
79
00:03:00,876 --> 00:03:03,095
And this is the
only place on Earth
80
00:03:03,226 --> 00:03:04,444
where you can get it twice!
81
00:03:04,445 --> 00:03:06,402
I come here every year.
82
00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:08,448
And if I'm a lucky boy,
83
00:03:08,449 --> 00:03:11,625
Santa may make an
appearance today.
84
00:03:11,626 --> 00:03:13,062
Ha-ha!
85
00:03:14,019 --> 00:03:15,846
Okay, I thought you were joking.
86
00:03:15,847 --> 00:03:19,460
- And the joke would be?
- General...
87
00:03:19,547 --> 00:03:22,505
I got your new fit,
and it is fire.
88
00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:24,397
Let's just say my guy in
Prague knows his way around
89
00:03:24,421 --> 00:03:26,467
crushed red velvet
and white fur.
90
00:03:26,554 --> 00:03:30,339
- So you're Santa.
- I can neither confirm nor deny.
91
00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:33,124
But I can say Santa and
I have never been seen
92
00:03:33,125 --> 00:03:35,476
in the same room together.
93
00:03:38,566 --> 00:03:40,587
Listen up, I am sick of you
always ruining Christmas,
94
00:03:40,611 --> 00:03:43,701
and I am not gonna let
you Scrooge us over.
95
00:03:43,832 --> 00:03:45,702
- Ho-ho-ho. What?
- Oh, my God!
96
00:03:45,703 --> 00:03:50,055
- I can't say ho anymore?
- You look, um, festive.
97
00:03:50,142 --> 00:03:53,320
I decided to join in the fun.
98
00:03:53,450 --> 00:03:55,582
Is there a gun pointing
at you right now?
99
00:03:55,583 --> 00:03:59,587
Just a gun of intimate moments
and sexual compatibility.
100
00:03:59,717 --> 00:04:02,198
- It's starting to make sense.
- Mm-hmm.
101
00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:04,940
Yeah, your father had
reservations at first.
102
00:04:05,070 --> 00:04:06,507
- Mm...
- But upon my explanation...
103
00:04:06,637 --> 00:04:08,987
He understood the
holiday's importance
104
00:04:09,118 --> 00:04:12,513
and agreed to join in tonight
for my Twice Christmas party.
105
00:04:12,643 --> 00:04:13,643
- Mm.
- So...
106
00:04:13,688 --> 00:04:15,516
We are looking forward to
107
00:04:15,646 --> 00:04:17,299
celebrating our first
Christmas dinner
108
00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:20,608
as girlfriend and boyfriend.
109
00:04:20,738 --> 00:04:23,175
- Girlfriend and boyfriend?
- Yes.
110
00:04:23,306 --> 00:04:25,308
- Is that a problem?
- No.
111
00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:28,659
I'm just, uh, not
used to the concept.
112
00:04:28,746 --> 00:04:32,446
Oh. Maybe try
blow-drying your hair.
113
00:04:32,576 --> 00:04:36,537
No, I, I meant, um, in,
in relation to, to him.
114
00:04:36,667 --> 00:04:39,191
I have heard my dad
referred to as a husband,
115
00:04:39,322 --> 00:04:41,542
an ex-husband, uh, a
phone number that I called
116
00:04:41,629 --> 00:04:43,694
to have a strange woman answer,
"Is this one of your whores?"
117
00:04:43,718 --> 00:04:46,546
This is new for me as well.
118
00:04:46,547 --> 00:04:49,680
But things have
progressed to a point
119
00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:53,727
that we decided to, as you
say, make it official...
120
00:04:53,728 --> 00:04:55,337
by elevating him
121
00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:58,776
to the lead lover
in my stable of men.
122
00:04:58,863 --> 00:05:01,649
- Number one with a bullet.
- Okay, I'm gonna, um...
123
00:05:01,779 --> 00:05:03,477
- Head out.
- Where you going?
124
00:05:03,607 --> 00:05:05,653
- Some stuff to, um, throw up.
- Okay.
125
00:05:05,783 --> 00:05:08,786
- She is so repressed.
- I know. It's her mom.
126
00:05:11,572 --> 00:05:13,443
- Hey, major.
- Hey. Hey.
127
00:05:13,574 --> 00:05:14,725
Looked like you were
just about to cry.
128
00:05:14,749 --> 00:05:16,925
No, I'm good. What
are you doing here?
129
00:05:17,055 --> 00:05:19,187
Part of the deal I have with
the colonel for not kicking me
130
00:05:19,188 --> 00:05:21,669
out of the army for
being this awesome
131
00:05:21,799 --> 00:05:23,670
is that I have to keep
my awesomeness hidden
132
00:05:23,671 --> 00:05:25,629
when General Davidson is
here. So I sit in here.
133
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,022
Make all-day chili
and eat it all day.
134
00:05:28,023 --> 00:05:29,415
Hm.
135
00:05:29,416 --> 00:05:31,199
Why are you hiding
in the kitchen?
136
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:33,027
I can't take any more
of this Twice Christmas.
137
00:05:33,028 --> 00:05:34,308
It's like once is enough, right?
138
00:05:34,377 --> 00:05:36,597
- Hm, okay.
- Staying up all night.
139
00:05:36,684 --> 00:05:40,034
Wrapping presents for your
stepson, drinking Santa's milk,
140
00:05:40,035 --> 00:05:44,995
googling how do reindeer eat
to best mimic carrot bites.
141
00:05:44,996 --> 00:05:46,867
But then his mom and
you split up, and
142
00:05:46,868 --> 00:05:48,825
all you're left with are
memories that taunt you.
143
00:05:48,826 --> 00:05:50,262
I didn't know you got a stepson.
144
00:05:50,393 --> 00:05:51,655
- Well, I had a stepson.
- Okay.
145
00:05:51,786 --> 00:05:53,831
I'm gonna need you to stop
there. I'm sorry, man.
146
00:05:53,918 --> 00:05:56,278
I have this weird thing where
I get super bummed when I hear
147
00:05:56,399 --> 00:05:57,748
- about dead kids.
- What?
148
00:05:57,879 --> 00:05:59,247
It's like how some people
hate the word moist.
149
00:05:59,271 --> 00:06:00,359
- I know, but...
- No, he's not dead!
150
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,056
What are you talking about?
151
00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:03,537
No, I just can't
talk to him right now
152
00:06:03,624 --> 00:06:04,949
because his mom and
I are mid-divorce...
153
00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:06,670
Oh, thank God.
154
00:06:06,801 --> 00:06:08,193
Well, like your ex-wife,
155
00:06:08,324 --> 00:06:10,020
I'm gonna need some space
156
00:06:10,021 --> 00:06:11,892
because there's a
part of all-day chili
157
00:06:11,893 --> 00:06:13,827
where I end up needing to
do something else all day.
158
00:06:13,851 --> 00:06:15,612
Okay, say no more, I'm gonna
go to my office and watch
159
00:06:15,636 --> 00:06:17,333
one of those devastating
photo montages
160
00:06:17,420 --> 00:06:19,291
that my phone
sends me every day.
161
00:06:19,422 --> 00:06:21,423
- Mm-hmm. Okay.
- Yeah.
162
00:06:22,817 --> 00:06:24,295
I might chase myself out of here
163
00:06:24,296 --> 00:06:26,211
if there's another like
that in the chamber.
164
00:06:26,342 --> 00:06:28,649
Katja! Katja! Katja! Katja!
165
00:06:28,779 --> 00:06:30,409
You didn't hear me. I
was like, "Katja! Katja!"
166
00:06:30,433 --> 00:06:32,303
- Oh, that was you?
- Uh...
167
00:06:32,304 --> 00:06:35,481
I just wanted to say
thank you so much.
168
00:06:35,482 --> 00:06:38,702
Oh, please. The blow-dryer
was just a suggestion.
169
00:06:38,833 --> 00:06:42,097
- But you should take it.
- Oh, I, I meant...
170
00:06:42,227 --> 00:06:43,707
Actually, thank you for
171
00:06:43,838 --> 00:06:46,580
getting my dad on board
with Twice Christmas.
172
00:06:46,710 --> 00:06:49,234
Oh, it was nothing.
Have a nice day.
173
00:06:49,321 --> 00:06:52,759
He's always the
worst with Christmas.
174
00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:54,282
One year he actually
cut off his finger
175
00:06:54,283 --> 00:06:56,764
to get out of Christmas dinner,
which he said was an accident.
176
00:06:56,894 --> 00:06:59,723
- But I knew was not the case.
- Why are you telling me this?
177
00:06:59,854 --> 00:07:04,380
Because I promise to do my
best to wrangle him tonight.
178
00:07:04,467 --> 00:07:06,207
- Tonight?
- Yes, at the party.
179
00:07:06,208 --> 00:07:08,123
I'll keep him in check.
180
00:07:08,253 --> 00:07:11,169
Oh, that's so kind of
you, but unnecessary
181
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:12,692
since you're not invited.
182
00:07:12,693 --> 00:07:15,521
I'm so sorry, I
didn't know, uh, that
183
00:07:15,522 --> 00:07:17,523
it was like a-an
intimate affair.
184
00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:19,569
- It's actually quite large.
- Oh.
185
00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:22,442
I just did not invite you
because I do not like you.
186
00:07:24,748 --> 00:07:25,923
Happy Twice Christmas.
187
00:07:32,408 --> 00:07:34,932
Bing-bong! Hi.
188
00:07:35,019 --> 00:07:37,761
I rang the doorbell, but
you weren't answering.
189
00:07:37,892 --> 00:07:41,417
So you decided to surprise
me through the back door.
190
00:07:41,504 --> 00:07:44,202
- Hm.
- You are your father's daughter.
191
00:07:44,289 --> 00:07:46,640
Um, I realized that I forgot
192
00:07:46,727 --> 00:07:48,598
to give you your
Twice Christmas gift.
193
00:07:48,729 --> 00:07:50,750
I just remembered once that
you said that you're an Aries.
194
00:07:50,774 --> 00:07:52,733
So it's a bracelet with
your astrological sign.
195
00:07:52,820 --> 00:07:54,778
- Yes.
- So overly thoughtful.
196
00:07:54,909 --> 00:07:56,519
It was no problem at all, um...
197
00:07:56,650 --> 00:08:00,000
Hey, while I'm here,
I was thinking about
198
00:08:00,001 --> 00:08:02,350
that little thing that
you mentioned earlier.
199
00:08:02,351 --> 00:08:05,179
- That I don't like you? Yeah.
- Yeah.
200
00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:06,964
And it occurred
to me, of course,
201
00:08:07,095 --> 00:08:10,011
you don't like me because
you don't know me. Right?
202
00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:11,945
And if we just get to
know each other, you'd...
203
00:08:11,969 --> 00:08:14,144
Please let me save you
from embarrassment.
204
00:08:14,145 --> 00:08:15,364
Oh, of course. Thank you.
205
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,191
The very reason
I do not like you
206
00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:18,584
is because I do know you.
207
00:08:18,585 --> 00:08:21,413
You are a people-pleaser
who uses gifts
208
00:08:21,544 --> 00:08:24,982
as currency in a doomed
economy of validation.
209
00:08:25,069 --> 00:08:26,983
Which is why you still dress
like you're eight years old
210
00:08:26,984 --> 00:08:31,467
because all you truly
want is daddy's approval.
211
00:08:31,598 --> 00:08:33,121
- Well, embarrassment saved.
- Yeah.
212
00:08:33,208 --> 00:08:34,905
You came here to please me,
213
00:08:34,992 --> 00:08:37,167
so I might tell him to love you.
214
00:08:37,168 --> 00:08:40,083
- But I'm not your mommy.
- Oh.
215
00:08:40,084 --> 00:08:43,652
I will not suckle you.
Heh. You cannot afford it.
216
00:08:43,653 --> 00:08:47,177
No, I'm here because you are in
a relationship with my daddy.
217
00:08:47,178 --> 00:08:48,832
With my dad.
218
00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:51,792
And I figured that we should
219
00:08:51,879 --> 00:08:54,577
also have a
relationship. That's all.
220
00:08:54,708 --> 00:08:56,535
Um...
221
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:59,407
- But I'll...
- No. You know what?
222
00:08:59,408 --> 00:09:01,627
Maybe I misread you.
223
00:09:01,628 --> 00:09:03,499
- Let us start again.
- Yes.
224
00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:06,458
Would you mind giving me
a hand to prepare dinner?
225
00:09:06,589 --> 00:09:09,461
- We are making venison.
- Oh, yum.
226
00:09:09,592 --> 00:09:11,159
Yes, I would love
to. How can I help?
227
00:09:13,117 --> 00:09:14,597
Aw...
228
00:09:16,033 --> 00:09:17,948
Kill the baby.
229
00:09:18,035 --> 00:09:19,470
- Sorry?
- Uh, the fawn.
230
00:09:19,471 --> 00:09:22,736
- Kill it for dinner.
- Kill the baby fawn?
231
00:09:22,866 --> 00:09:25,564
- Yes. The big one is too tough.
- Right. And the big one is...
232
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,435
- The mother. Hm.
- The mother. Right.
233
00:09:27,436 --> 00:09:29,525
I could kill the baby
in front of its mother.
234
00:09:29,612 --> 00:09:31,440
It's, um. it's reverse Bambi.
235
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,484
- Right.
- Okay. Yeah. Right.
236
00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:35,399
I am a trained
soldier, you know?
237
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,488
- And I am...
- Yes.
238
00:09:37,489 --> 00:09:39,491
Trained to kill the enemy. Okay.
239
00:09:41,058 --> 00:09:43,104
You will take the life of
this beautiful creature?
240
00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:45,366
No, I didn't want to, but
you asked. I didn't want to.
241
00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:47,650
I didn't wanna kill it. I love
Bambi. I didn't wanna do it.
242
00:09:47,674 --> 00:09:49,718
So you did it because
I asked you nicely?
243
00:09:49,719 --> 00:09:51,523
If I asked you nicely, you
would betray your own feelings
244
00:09:51,547 --> 00:09:53,722
and slaughter little Luna?
245
00:09:53,723 --> 00:09:56,812
- Oh, God. I'm sorry.
- Go home, Captain Quinn.
246
00:09:56,813 --> 00:09:57,858
Um...
247
00:09:59,381 --> 00:10:00,816
It would have been quick.
248
00:10:02,558 --> 00:10:05,255
Major, I got good news.
249
00:10:05,256 --> 00:10:06,997
So I reached out to
your ex-wife Celeste.
250
00:10:07,084 --> 00:10:08,738
- You did what?
- And...
251
00:10:08,869 --> 00:10:13,133
I Face-Timed with your
beautiful ex-wife Celeste.
252
00:10:13,134 --> 00:10:17,703
Corporal, do not mistake
my kindness for weakness.
253
00:10:17,704 --> 00:10:19,880
- Don't mess with my family.
- Relax.
254
00:10:20,010 --> 00:10:25,668
Celeste and I had very
little chemistry when we...
255
00:10:25,755 --> 00:10:28,975
What is going on here?
256
00:10:28,976 --> 00:10:31,084
Just trying to decide which
of the 12 objects on my desk
257
00:10:31,108 --> 00:10:32,675
I will use to kill you with.
258
00:10:32,762 --> 00:10:35,330
- A pen?
- It's too fast. Mm-hmm.
259
00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:38,681
Okay, well, I spoke to Gabriel.
260
00:10:38,768 --> 00:10:40,683
- Gabriel.
- And he made you a video.
261
00:10:40,770 --> 00:10:42,598
Saying hi. That's
why I came in here.
262
00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:46,210
Sit down, please. Just one...
263
00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:51,998
Hi, Abe, your
friend convinced mom
264
00:10:51,999 --> 00:10:54,175
to let me send a message.
How is Netherlands?
265
00:10:54,305 --> 00:10:56,185
I wanna show you something
I've been working on.
266
00:10:56,307 --> 00:10:58,701
Oh, he's bringing out his tuba!
267
00:10:58,788 --> 00:11:00,181
- We're in for a treat.
- Yeah.
268
00:11:02,792 --> 00:11:04,335
This is one of the best gifts
anyone's ever gotten me.
269
00:11:04,359 --> 00:11:06,142
- So thank you.
- Gabriel!
270
00:11:06,143 --> 00:11:09,538
- Time for dinner!
- Abe, I gotta go.
271
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:12,105
Terrence made us smash burgers!
272
00:11:12,106 --> 00:11:13,324
Terrence! Terrence!
273
00:11:16,153 --> 00:11:18,589
Who the hell is Terrence?
274
00:11:18,590 --> 00:11:21,376
You are not going
to believe this.
275
00:11:21,506 --> 00:11:24,640
Katja doesn't like me.
276
00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:26,554
- You already knew that.
- Yeah.
277
00:11:26,555 --> 00:11:28,164
I thought it was pretty obvious.
278
00:11:28,165 --> 00:11:29,863
- Why would it be obvious?
- I don't know.
279
00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:31,778
Look on her face every
time you enter a room.
280
00:11:31,908 --> 00:11:34,171
- That would be one clue.
- Ah.
281
00:11:34,302 --> 00:11:35,694
And you're-you're okay
with this, with the fact
282
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:37,653
that your girlfriend hates me?
283
00:11:37,784 --> 00:11:40,003
Okay, listen. She
doesn't hate you. That...
284
00:11:40,134 --> 00:11:43,179
You know, she just doesn't
like you, you know, a lot.
285
00:11:43,180 --> 00:11:46,444
- Oh. No.
- That bothers you?
286
00:11:46,575 --> 00:11:47,968
Maybe. Yes, a lot.
287
00:11:48,098 --> 00:11:49,925
The whole army
basically hates my guts.
288
00:11:49,926 --> 00:11:51,885
- And I-I couldn't care less.
- Yeah.
289
00:11:52,015 --> 00:11:54,844
And, like, what, two
people, you know, don't...
290
00:11:54,975 --> 00:11:56,366
I shouldn't have said two
people don't like you.
291
00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:57,585
- Two people?
- No.
292
00:11:57,586 --> 00:11:58,781
- I'm not giving...
- What're their names?
293
00:11:58,805 --> 00:11:59,869
- I'm not...
- Tell me their names.
294
00:11:59,893 --> 00:12:02,199
I am busy sucking
it up, getting ready
295
00:12:02,330 --> 00:12:05,027
to get myself to Katja's
Christmas dinner.
296
00:12:05,028 --> 00:12:06,813
I don't remember you
ever sucking it up
297
00:12:06,943 --> 00:12:09,423
for any of my
Christmases growing up.
298
00:12:09,424 --> 00:12:11,121
You know why? Didn't
have a strategy.
299
00:12:11,252 --> 00:12:12,969
If you think about it,
these parties, the dinners,
300
00:12:12,993 --> 00:12:14,863
all of it, it's like
a land war, right?
301
00:12:14,864 --> 00:12:17,127
- Hm.
- What solves that? Tanks.
302
00:12:17,214 --> 00:12:22,002
So I am taking the tank
to her Christmas dinner.
303
00:12:22,132 --> 00:12:24,047
Wait, is this a metaphor,
or are you actually
304
00:12:24,178 --> 00:12:25,570
bringing a tank to a party?
305
00:12:25,657 --> 00:12:26,983
Yes. Can you believe
it took me this long?
306
00:12:27,007 --> 00:12:29,009
To come up with
that concept? Tsk.
307
00:12:29,139 --> 00:12:31,794
This Terrence guy, he
just shows up in my
308
00:12:31,881 --> 00:12:32,968
family's life, and I don't
know anything about it.
309
00:12:32,969 --> 00:12:36,233
Nobody even talks to me
about this? Terrence.
310
00:12:36,364 --> 00:12:38,191
What kind of a guy has
a name like Terrence?
311
00:12:38,192 --> 00:12:42,022
Terrance McDowell. Sorry,
man. That's a hot name.
312
00:12:42,109 --> 00:12:44,066
How do I know that this
guy is safe to be around?
313
00:12:44,067 --> 00:12:46,416
He could be like a
killer or a thief,
314
00:12:46,417 --> 00:12:48,656
or one of those cartoonists who
are really good at their job,
315
00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:51,596
but they also draw your flaws
in, like, a really mean way.
316
00:12:51,683 --> 00:12:53,033
- Hm.
- Find out more.
317
00:12:53,163 --> 00:12:54,817
Well, that's kind of
the problem because
318
00:12:54,904 --> 00:12:57,124
this guy has, like,
zero digital footprint.
319
00:12:57,254 --> 00:13:00,082
Okay, there's this Facebook
profile that he deleted in 2011
320
00:13:00,083 --> 00:13:02,042
where he lists his
favorite band as Train.
321
00:13:04,261 --> 00:13:05,959
Ah!
322
00:13:06,089 --> 00:13:07,917
I love my stepson.
323
00:13:08,048 --> 00:13:10,528
I can't stand idly by and
let him meet Virginia.
324
00:13:10,659 --> 00:13:13,443
Anything more would require,
like, a security clearance
325
00:13:13,444 --> 00:13:16,012
above you. Even the colonel.
326
00:13:17,405 --> 00:13:18,885
But not General Davidson.
327
00:13:23,846 --> 00:13:25,934
♪ Fa-la la-la-la la-la la-la ♪
328
00:13:25,935 --> 00:13:28,415
Ho-ho-ho! And what do
you want from Santa?
329
00:13:28,416 --> 00:13:31,201
For him to authorize
330
00:13:31,288 --> 00:13:33,421
domestic surveillance
of an American citizen.
331
00:13:33,508 --> 00:13:35,771
More specifically, my soon-to-be
ex-wife's new boyfriend.
332
00:13:35,902 --> 00:13:37,946
- That's a hell of an ask, major.
- Nah.
333
00:13:37,947 --> 00:13:42,560
And that boy asked for a
body pillow for humping?
334
00:13:42,691 --> 00:13:44,692
It's your fateful companionship.
335
00:13:44,693 --> 00:13:46,128
Geert, if you were a dog,
336
00:13:46,129 --> 00:13:47,826
they would have
neutered you for less.
337
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,306
Mm-hmm.
338
00:13:53,223 --> 00:13:54,790
I am confused.
339
00:13:54,877 --> 00:13:57,445
- Why are you upon my doorstep?
- Oh.
340
00:13:57,532 --> 00:13:59,098
I'm crashing your
party, uninvited.
341
00:13:59,099 --> 00:14:01,579
- Do you like that?
- No, I do not like that.
342
00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:05,105
Oh, good. You're gonna
love this. No gift.
343
00:14:05,235 --> 00:14:08,804
Would a people-pleaser
crash a party with no gift?
344
00:14:08,891 --> 00:14:11,807
I don't think so. Heh-heh.
345
00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:13,547
But I am, I am gonna
need you to take this
346
00:14:13,548 --> 00:14:15,245
since I am not an animal.
347
00:14:15,332 --> 00:14:18,596
So just take that, and
I'm gonna crash this way.
348
00:14:18,683 --> 00:14:20,555
Merry Christmas, y'all!
349
00:14:22,731 --> 00:14:26,953
Everyone, this is
Captain Margaret Quinn.
350
00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:29,477
- Hi.
- She is Patrick's daughter.
351
00:14:29,564 --> 00:14:31,000
She was not invited.
352
00:14:33,437 --> 00:14:36,657
Hi, everyone, um, I'm just
here to prove to Katja
353
00:14:36,658 --> 00:14:40,836
that I am not a people-pleaser.
I don't care if Katja likes me.
354
00:14:40,967 --> 00:14:42,847
Actually, don't care if
any of you guys like me.
355
00:14:44,535 --> 00:14:47,060
- That's super look.
- Dana.
356
00:14:47,147 --> 00:14:48,669
- What are you doing here?
- I was invited.
357
00:14:48,670 --> 00:14:51,629
Fantastic!
358
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,023
Everyone.
359
00:14:54,154 --> 00:14:57,591
Uh, dinner will be
served very shortly.
360
00:14:57,592 --> 00:14:59,985
Ah, raw meat. Disgusting.
361
00:14:59,986 --> 00:15:02,727
- It's gourmetten.
- Gourmetten.
362
00:15:02,858 --> 00:15:04,598
- Gourmetten.
- Yeah.
363
00:15:04,599 --> 00:15:06,296
Yes, we grill our food.
364
00:15:06,427 --> 00:15:09,559
So we have to cook it
before we eat it. Oh, God.
365
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:14,087
Are we guests at this dinner
or are we working it? Heh.
366
00:15:14,174 --> 00:15:16,262
No wonder she
didn't get invited.
367
00:15:16,263 --> 00:15:18,439
- The whole spread is, uh...
- Beautiful.
368
00:15:18,569 --> 00:15:20,658
Bad. Yuck.
369
00:15:20,789 --> 00:15:24,226
You are a little baby.
370
00:15:24,227 --> 00:15:26,054
Now you go find your
father and tell him
371
00:15:26,055 --> 00:15:29,014
he cannot let his little
baby wander around my party.
372
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,757
- Oh, hey. Uh-huh!
- Hey.
373
00:15:33,758 --> 00:15:37,022
I get it. This is the tank.
374
00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:39,808
Every terrestrial campaign
has been won by armor,
375
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,897
including this one tonight.
376
00:15:42,028 --> 00:15:43,986
I've never seen you drink
white wine in my life.
377
00:15:44,073 --> 00:15:46,510
Oh, no, this is 90%
vodka, 'cause...
378
00:15:46,641 --> 00:15:48,816
Otherwise, I'm gonna kill
somebody out there. I need...
379
00:15:48,817 --> 00:15:49,905
Oh!
- Here you are, colonel.
380
00:15:49,992 --> 00:15:52,908
Beatrix, you found
me again. Heh-heh.
381
00:15:53,039 --> 00:15:54,387
Beatrix was telling me for, um,
382
00:15:54,388 --> 00:15:58,000
for a long time about
how she makes chairs
383
00:15:58,087 --> 00:16:00,263
that are uncomfortable for
people to sit in. Yeah.
384
00:16:00,394 --> 00:16:03,701
Human comfort is not the
reason for an object to exist.
385
00:16:03,832 --> 00:16:05,528
It is the reason
chairs exist, though.
386
00:16:05,529 --> 00:16:07,313
You know, my foot's killing
me, I'm gonna go in the kitchen
387
00:16:07,314 --> 00:16:09,553
and take some aspirin. And,
uh... No, no, you should stay.
388
00:16:09,577 --> 00:16:11,447
This is a very interesting
conversation. I can't...
389
00:16:11,448 --> 00:16:12,753
- You can't?
- Because my foot hurts. Yeah.
390
00:16:12,754 --> 00:16:14,495
Make a hole. There we go.
391
00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:16,888
Ah. Ah, you got me again.
392
00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:18,759
I think you didn't
hear me the first time.
393
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:20,805
Excuse me, make a hole!
394
00:16:22,285 --> 00:16:24,287
- Move! Move it.
- I should probably...
395
00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:27,160
When I place my butt
on Beatrix's chairs,
396
00:16:27,290 --> 00:16:30,685
the beating life of
its creators enters me.
397
00:16:30,815 --> 00:16:33,818
Well, I wish I had a tank.
398
00:16:36,604 --> 00:16:38,562
Oh, it is exhausting
399
00:16:38,693 --> 00:16:40,410
being that rude. I don't know
how you do it all the time.
400
00:16:40,434 --> 00:16:43,393
- It takes years of practice.
- What are you doing?
401
00:16:43,524 --> 00:16:46,830
Feeling, like, boxed in.
Like, I need an escape plan.
402
00:16:46,831 --> 00:16:49,312
Here it is. Okay, you take that.
403
00:16:49,443 --> 00:16:51,097
You're gonna cut off
one of my fingers.
404
00:16:51,227 --> 00:16:53,924
Why does everyone keep
handing me knives?
405
00:16:53,925 --> 00:16:55,405
Here we go. Let's go, pinky.
406
00:16:55,492 --> 00:16:57,253
It's good for both of us
'cause you'll have to take me
407
00:16:57,277 --> 00:16:58,863
to the hospital. We'll
both get out of here.
408
00:16:58,887 --> 00:17:00,715
- No, you wish.
- Very disappointing.
409
00:17:00,845 --> 00:17:03,065
So you did cut off
your pinky in 1994.
410
00:17:03,196 --> 00:17:05,893
- Yes, this one.
- I knew it!
411
00:17:05,894 --> 00:17:07,068
You know, you're always
on this thing about,
412
00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:09,157
like, we're not close enough and
413
00:17:09,158 --> 00:17:10,899
blah, blah, blah,
do stuff together.
414
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,508
Can I have some
of the vodka wine?
415
00:17:12,509 --> 00:17:13,510
Yeah, it's strapped under
416
00:17:13,641 --> 00:17:14,641
my scooter.
417
00:17:16,948 --> 00:17:18,253
There's not enough vodka wine
418
00:17:18,254 --> 00:17:20,342
in the world to numb
me to these morons.
419
00:17:20,343 --> 00:17:22,475
Beatrix followed me around
for 20 minutes lecturing me
420
00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:25,173
about how ottomans aren't
just backless chairs.
421
00:17:25,174 --> 00:17:26,847
- Like, I need to know that.
- I don't get it.
422
00:17:26,871 --> 00:17:29,743
Why don't you just tell Katja
that you hate it, and leave?
423
00:17:29,744 --> 00:17:33,095
No. You don't tell the truth
in a situation like this.
424
00:17:33,182 --> 00:17:34,681
What are you, nuts?
Here's what we could do.
425
00:17:34,705 --> 00:17:37,142
You could step it up a
notch, cause a scene.
426
00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:38,708
You could cut one
of your fingers off.
427
00:17:38,709 --> 00:17:41,886
You want me to ruin Christmas?
428
00:17:41,973 --> 00:17:45,498
I'm not doing this anymore,
and I'm not gonna be unlikable
429
00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:48,631
just for one person to like me.
430
00:17:48,632 --> 00:17:51,244
- I'm gonna go save Christmas.
- All right, I'm coming.
431
00:17:51,374 --> 00:17:53,115
I'm gonna save this
Christmas so hard.
432
00:17:53,246 --> 00:17:54,507
Wrong leg.
433
00:17:54,508 --> 00:17:56,204
Thanks again for helping
with this, general.
434
00:17:56,205 --> 00:17:58,164
Honestly, Shah, I
sympathize with you.
435
00:17:58,294 --> 00:18:00,253
I mean, all my exes
have new boyfriends
436
00:18:00,383 --> 00:18:01,795
and they all look
like the next bachelor
437
00:18:01,819 --> 00:18:03,733
and not the golden ones.
438
00:18:03,734 --> 00:18:07,086
All right, what did I miss
on this Train-loving clown?
439
00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:12,394
- You're in the army?
- Oh, yeah.
440
00:18:12,395 --> 00:18:15,833
Sorry, I got sick of
hiding in the closet
441
00:18:15,964 --> 00:18:17,400
and I ran out of chili, so...
442
00:18:17,531 --> 00:18:21,534
You must drive the
colonel insane!
443
00:18:21,535 --> 00:18:24,494
- I live in his head rent-free.
- Ha! I love it.
444
00:18:24,625 --> 00:18:27,757
Santa is going to give you
all the cookies you can eat.
445
00:18:27,758 --> 00:18:29,934
- Shah.
- Uh...
446
00:18:30,065 --> 00:18:32,763
We, uh, input the coordinates,
447
00:18:32,894 --> 00:18:35,548
we use the eye in the sky,
448
00:18:35,549 --> 00:18:38,464
and we watch your ex's house.
449
00:18:38,465 --> 00:18:40,530
Okay, just to make sure they're
in good hands, that's all.
450
00:18:40,554 --> 00:18:42,991
Ah, we have a visual.
451
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,122
They're having a catch.
452
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:47,125
- Hm.
- Gabriel seems fine.
453
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,606
Yeah, he's doing
okay. All right.
454
00:18:49,693 --> 00:18:52,174
- I may have overreacted.
- Well, you miss him.
455
00:18:52,261 --> 00:18:54,959
And he misses you, too.
And so does Celeste.
456
00:18:55,046 --> 00:18:56,415
'Cause I took it upon
myself to send her
457
00:18:56,439 --> 00:18:58,746
a series of very
flirtatious messages,
458
00:18:58,833 --> 00:19:00,182
hitting on her super hard.
459
00:19:00,313 --> 00:19:03,053
She didn't bite. Not one bit.
460
00:19:03,054 --> 00:19:05,012
Okay, what are you doing
with Celeste in your...
461
00:19:05,013 --> 00:19:07,494
Okay, this isn't even about me
and her, but, yeah, I'll call
462
00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:09,625
her and I'll ask if I can
start Face-Timing with Gabriel.
463
00:19:09,626 --> 00:19:11,366
- Perfect.
- You're welcome.
464
00:19:11,367 --> 00:19:12,411
Stop texting my exes.
465
00:19:12,412 --> 00:19:14,369
I'm not gonna stop
texting Stacy.
466
00:19:14,370 --> 00:19:16,371
- Wait, Stacy from summer camp?
- Yeah.
467
00:19:16,372 --> 00:19:19,374
Her marriage is
hanging on by a thread.
468
00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:20,941
- Tok.
- Okay.
469
00:19:22,204 --> 00:19:26,251
Oh. Ha-ha. Excuse me, everybody.
470
00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:28,341
- I would like to make a toast...
- Ahem.
471
00:19:28,428 --> 00:19:31,212
That there are so many
different walks of life
472
00:19:31,213 --> 00:19:33,823
represented around this table.
473
00:19:33,824 --> 00:19:34,955
- Mm-hmm. And chairs.
- Oh.
474
00:19:34,956 --> 00:19:37,350
Yes, Beatrix, and chairs.
475
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:39,829
Isn't that the meaning
of-of Twice Christmas,
476
00:19:39,830 --> 00:19:44,444
having a second chance to
gather in peace and harmony
477
00:19:44,531 --> 00:19:47,054
around this beautiful
meal, around this table?
478
00:19:47,055 --> 00:19:48,882
Oh, Maggie!
479
00:19:48,883 --> 00:19:50,013
- Oh, God.
- Oh, my God.
480
00:19:50,014 --> 00:19:52,278
- Ah... Oh.
- Oh, I told you.
481
00:19:52,408 --> 00:19:54,409
- You have got to stop drinking.
- What is...
482
00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:56,324
I'm gonna take her
to the hospital.
483
00:19:56,325 --> 00:19:58,458
And then to the rehab
center. You did a great job.
484
00:19:58,545 --> 00:20:00,110
- I did not do this on purpose.
- Okay.
485
00:20:00,111 --> 00:20:02,375
- I will take her.
- What?
486
00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:05,507
I understand the bureaucracies
of social medicine.
487
00:20:05,508 --> 00:20:07,399
I'll drive both you guys to
the hospital, then, and...
488
00:20:07,423 --> 00:20:09,294
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- No!
489
00:20:09,295 --> 00:20:11,253
You must stay, it's your
first Twice Christmas.
490
00:20:11,340 --> 00:20:13,907
I don't want you to cut
off your jubilation.
491
00:20:13,908 --> 00:20:15,865
- Come on, baby.
- Okay. No, I'm...
492
00:20:15,866 --> 00:20:19,696
- Happy Christmas, everybody.
- Twice. Twice Christmas.
493
00:20:19,827 --> 00:20:22,438
Yeah, forget it. I don't
know about you guys, but...
494
00:20:25,528 --> 00:20:27,530
Here's to jubilation.
495
00:20:30,925 --> 00:20:32,927
You don't have to wait with me.
496
00:20:33,057 --> 00:20:34,884
I know you do not like me.
497
00:20:34,885 --> 00:20:38,714
And you don't have to pretend
to just 'cause I'm, uh, injured.
498
00:20:38,715 --> 00:20:40,587
I did not like you.
499
00:20:40,717 --> 00:20:43,198
And you are a people-pleaser
who craves attention.
500
00:20:43,329 --> 00:20:46,592
But you were also a crazy woman
501
00:20:46,593 --> 00:20:49,160
at my Twice Christmas
dinner. I like that.
502
00:20:49,291 --> 00:20:51,293
Some of my favorite people
are a little bit crazy.
503
00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:54,644
- Oh. Yeah.
- Your father. My lover Julia.
504
00:20:54,775 --> 00:20:58,300
Although we don't say crazy.
She's diagnosed bipolar.
505
00:20:58,431 --> 00:21:01,782
Well, what I'm hearing is that
506
00:21:01,912 --> 00:21:03,523
I'm one of your favorite people.
507
00:21:03,653 --> 00:21:06,003
Oh, not even close.
508
00:21:06,134 --> 00:21:08,918
But you owned your insanity.
509
00:21:08,919 --> 00:21:11,270
- Ah.
- I like you 13% more.
510
00:21:13,750 --> 00:21:14,882
Yes!
511
00:21:16,013 --> 00:21:17,537
Next year it'll be 20.
512
00:21:19,974 --> 00:21:22,584
Tables come in a
variety of sizes.
513
00:21:22,585 --> 00:21:24,389
Yeah, but it's not really
about the size of the table.
514
00:21:24,413 --> 00:21:25,521
More like the size of the room.
515
00:21:25,545 --> 00:21:27,110
Especially once you introduce
516
00:21:27,111 --> 00:21:28,243
the concept of shapes.
517
00:21:28,330 --> 00:21:29,287
Yeah, which you must.
518
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:30,593
- You absolutely...
- Oh.
519
00:21:30,724 --> 00:21:34,335
Shut up with the shapes!
520
00:21:34,336 --> 00:21:38,426
That's it. I'm out! I've had it.
521
00:21:38,427 --> 00:21:41,777
That's right. Yeah, I can
walk. It's a Christmas miracle.
522
00:21:41,778 --> 00:21:44,171
Ooh, God bless us, everyone.
523
00:21:44,172 --> 00:21:46,261
Except you, with the weird hat.
524
00:21:46,392 --> 00:21:47,872
We know you have an
oddly-shaped head.
525
00:21:47,958 --> 00:21:50,004
You can go to furniture
hell. Oh, wait a minute.
526
00:21:50,134 --> 00:21:52,267
We're in it! Ha-ha-ha.
527
00:21:52,354 --> 00:21:54,400
It's going so well!
40832
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