Original subtitles

Gar-bage day!

Stan, you gotta come check out this new truck!

Nope. These things are top of the line.

Absolutely brutalize the bins.

Yeah! Get some!

What's this? Small group of people outside.

So, the neighbors have finally noticed

Our new solid-gold lawn orb.

About time.

No, they're over at greg's house.

What?

Stan...Could you... Scoot over?

Oh, I'll scoot over.

I'll scoot all the way over to greg's house

To see what the great big deal is.

Move it, geek! Comin' through!

"this house has been designated a..."

Together with al: "...Historic place of note...

By the langley falls historical society."

It turns out james k. Polk once spent the night here,

And a few of us are extremely mildly impressed.

Stan, may I tie your robe for you?

Grr.

A notable house for a notable man.

I mean, greg is a prominent member of the community,

Not some anonymous, regular-degular nobody

Like you or me. [ laughs ]

Anywho, better get back.

I left ma all alone at the house.

Al-e-e-e-e-e-e-e! He-e-e-e-lp!

Damn, I thought I locked her in.

??

? good morning, u.S.A. ?

? I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ?

? the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ?

? and he's shinin' a salute to the american race ?

? oh, boy, it's swell to say ?

? good -- ? ? good morning, u.S.A. ?

Aah!

? good morning, u.S.A. ?

??

Oh, jeff, you wouldn't know anything

About a $200 charge

From "right angler bait and tackle," would you?

No! I mean...What?

Huh, weird.

Must've been cybercriminals.

Pockets, mister!

Damn it, hayley, I'm a grown man!

And how am I supposed to make

My super mega worm world

In the backyard without these?!

[ roger grunting ]

Oh!

What's in the box?

Okay, as we all know, I was no angel in my younger days,

Back before I cleaned up my act.

So there I am today, hiding under an overpass

About to carjack this deaf nun, when what do I find?

A delivery truck I'd stolen years ago

And totally forgotten about!

So...What's in the box?

No idea. But there's 132 of 'em,

So hopefully something I can sell.

Gold? Dildos? Golden dildos?

The 1987 edition of the encyclopedia brittanica?

Not to worry though.

Because with a positive attitude and a little patience,

I can sell anything.

Francine, do you want to buy 132 encyclopedias?

No. Damn.

How about you, stan?

Stan? Stan!!

I agree! We do need a plaque of our own!

Oh, there is one golden dildo in here.

Franny? Hayley? Ste-e-eve?

[ jovial music plays ]

[ ominous music plays ]

Francine, would you describe us as a notable langley family?

Family?

I've always considered us more like a group of roommates

That are related to each other.

And no, we're not all that notable either.

[ doorbell rings ]

That's about to change.

Glen hanover, langley falls historical society.

Glen-dog! Come on in, brah. What can I snag ya?

White claw? Absinthe? Some [sniffing] party favors?

What's your pleasure? I'm actually --

Hungry? I can do ya a smashburger.

You said on the phone that several founding fathers

Are known to have stayed in this house?

If you say so.

Which founding fathers, exactly?

Oh, all the big ones --

George washington, johnny appleseed,

And a whole lot... Of benjamin franklins.

[ smooching ]

I can't take this briefcase.

Alright, let's cut the crap.

What'll it take for us to get our plaque?

Mr. Smith, I'm afraid only merit will suffice.

You can have one night with my wife.

What?!

Thank you for your interest in the historical society.

Please accept this "historic langley"

Coffee-table book as a parting gift.

Two nights! Two nights with my wife!

And...A "historic langley" coffee-table book?

Three days and not sell one 'pedia.

Rogu, there's no shortcuts to making an honest sale.

All I have to do is remember my three p's --

With positivity and patience, anything is possible.

??

Aaahh!

[ taser crackling ]

Welp, I haven't gotten inside a single door

And I've been shot six times,

But that first sale is just around the corner.

[ taser crackling ]

Where'd you get that?! Don't play with that thing!

Family portrait's just a bit askew.

[ chain-saw motor revving ] aah!

Hmm, just comes right through to the living room.

Stan! What the hell are you doing?!

Look! Right here in the book my buddy glen-dog gave me.

Hayley: "the silken saltbox parlor & comfort house"?

Super-famous brothel back in the 1870s!

Look familiar?

No. Not really.

Yeah, I've never met this house before, mr. S.

Sure you have. That's our house!

Turns out our house has been a historic landmark all along!

All we need now is some evidence.

[ chain-saw motor revs ]

Stan, stop!

Why are you so obsessed with this idea

Of being "notable," dad?

Is there some formative trauma in your past

We don't know about?

No. Actually wait, let me think...

These society types may not have ever

Paid us much notice before.

But, by god, they'll notice you now.

Now, go be somebody, stan.

Be somebody!

Yes'm.

Out of the way, nobody!

Whup, didn't notice you there, kid!

[ yells ]

[ water splashes ]

Hmm? Someone.

Please. Help.

Woman: Did you hear somebody?

Man: Oh, I'm sure it was nobody.

Or at least a nobody.

[ alligator growls ]

[ screaming ]

So I guess that might have something to do with it.

My poor little daddy.

Maybe there's a tiny resemblance to this old whorehouse?

Let's tear this place apart!

??

[ grunts ]

Well, that was a mistake.

[ floor creaking ]

Aah!

S-s-sixty-nining skeletons?!

[ bones rattling ]

S-s-skeleton sex swing?!

Oh!

Aah!

Did you find anything?

Well, what do you think?

Mr. Smith, this is quite possibly

The most notable historic place

I've ever encountered.

As you can tell, I'm getting quite worked up here.

So is it plaque-worthy?

Plaque-worthy? It's museum-worthy.

Museum-worthy?

Now, that's noteworthy.

Noteworthy...

And pin-worthy.

[ gasps ]

It's like a plaque for my body.

Say you have a report due on gray wolves for biology class.

What can you use? Shmargle-bargle-dot-com?

You'd need an encyclopedia just to figure out

How to use this darn thing. Ah!

Now, for a truly user-friendly experience.

Gray wolves.

You simply flip through the "g" volume to --

Hmm, not finding it here.

Must be under "w."

Nope, not seeing it here either.

Maybe under "d" for dog?

You know what? Probably just need to crack

The 2-volume quick-reference guide first.

Wow, this is really confusing.

Could you google "how to use brittanica

Reference guide" for me? You know what? Never mind.

I think you get the point and see the value

Of truly having knowledge at your fingertips.

Ow! Paper cut!

Anyway, how many sets can I put you down for?

Oh, I don't know.

They do seem nice, but...

Would you care to stay for some tea?

I'm going to need a little time to think about it.

Ma'am, you take all the time you need.

How about now? Will you buy it now?

I'll need a little more time.

[ sighs ]

No problem.

The brothel was founded

By land baron cyrus talmadge in 1868.

But it was found by me, stan smith, last week.

Hi, I'm stan smith, I live in a museum.

Stan!

There's cars all over the damn lawn

And mud all over the damn house!

All: Oooooh!

Sorry, dear.

Just the price we pay to bring history to life.

Clean up that mud

Or I'll bring "fistory" to life!

Hey-o!

Is this it?

It's kind of just a dusty, old room, isn't it?

Yeah, this place is...

Kind of boring.

[ sighs ]

[ all grumbling ]

[ whimpers ]

Babe! Did you seriously

Cut off my venmo teen credit card?!

If you want money, babe,

Maybe you should try working.

Oh, I don't work?!

Day in, day out,

I'm up to my goddamn elbows in squishy little wormies.

Well, those aren't the only wormies around here

That have been all squishy lately!

Oh, snap!

Dude, you gotta check out this fight. It's nuts.

Well, I just saw the blonde chick

Shotgun an entire box of wine.

This family is pretty interesting.

Entertaining.

"interestaining."

Yes, we are. Follow me!

Why don't we get you a little more comfortable,

Mon cheri?

Just gotta...Get this clasp.

Grr!! Damn it!!

This thing is impossible!

What am I, harry [bleep] houdini over here?!

[ laughter ]

Can I get you anything before you go to sleep?

A glass of warm milk

Or...A goddamn encyclopedia?

What's that now?

I said would you like to buy an encyclopedia?

Oh, I'll need a little more time

To think about that.

[ clock ticking ]

Welcome to momaf, the museum of the modern american family.

[ indistinct conversations, camera shutter clicking ]

Jeff, I -- hey, watch it, lady!

I could swear I had a 20 in here.

Oh, what, now you think I stole from you

To buy worms? Look!

Check his hat! What the hell, bro?!

[ all cheering ]

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

And here we see just a fraction of the varied,

And at times surprising,

Self-pleasure material found under steve's mattress.

"martha stewart living"?

He's gonna crank it right now!

Based on her scat,

Our scientists believe the extreme lack of roughage

In francine's diet

Is the cause of her frequent constipation.

Together: Ohh!

[ sighs in frustration ]

[ camera shutter clicking ]

[ speaks foreign language ]

Stan!

Oooh!

That's right. It's me, stan!

How ya doin'? Stan smith.

Nice to see you.

Is something wrong?

No, stan. Everything's wrong!

Why is the historical society

Even taking part in this?

The historical society made some bad crypto bets,

So we really need the revenue from the ticket and cafe sales.

What cafe?

Okay, so we got two arizona ice teas

And a wet egg salad sandwich

That's been smushed down to the thickness of a quesadilla.

That'll be...$54.

Want to make it a lunch combo?

For just 18 bucks more, I can throw in some pop chips

And a shitty apple.

??

??

I wonder what kind of tree that is.

You know a good way to find out?

Those encyclopedias I'm selling.

You sell encyclopedias?

I do. Would you like to buy one?

Oh...I'll need some time to think about it.

[ whistling ]

Ugh, jeff, was that you?

Wait, why are you all in here?

Because everywhere we go, every hour of the day,

People are watching us!

That's right.

If it truly is an attention economy, we're gazillionaires!

Then again if it's a normal economy,

We're bankrupt, because I signed the house over

To the historical society back when this all started.

What?! What's the problem?!

We're being noticed, being seen!

We want to not be seen for a while,

You self-obsessed jackass!

I had no idea you were so angry about this.

Let's get out of here.

Okay, a-a-a-and...Go.

What? All that raw anger

Was way too good to keep backstage.

Ooh, start with that thing about me

Being a self-obsessed jackass. Nice and big.

Stan, you [bleep] lunatic!

[ all cheering ]

Oh, yeah, that's even better!

We can't do this anymore. We're gonna leave

And hide out somewhere no one can find us.

We want you to come with.

You have to choose, stan.

Us or the museum.

Look at all these people, stan,

All looking at you, a real somebody.

You can't give that up now.

I don't know what you're looking over there for.

There's only one of me, stan.

I'm staying.

Then you're staying alone.

[ door opens ]

[ door slams ]

Here, stan.

That'll be $8.

??

He do anything yet?

Nah. Dude is forlorn as shit.

I'm starting to regret buying a yearly pass.

Tell me about it.

I paid 14 bucks for this god-awful coffee

And found a big chunk of muffin in it.

Oh, I'm gonna have to charge you

For a coffee and a muffin then.

16 more dollars.

This place sucks now.

[ door opens, closes ]

Stan, your whole energy of late

Has really put a damper on attendance.

I just miss my family so much.

Do you know where they are?

I don't.

And you need to start asking me before you hold my hand.

May I hold your hand? No.

Listen, we're bringing in some new blood to the house

To boost ticket sales.

Lisa vanderpump, logan paul.

People the museum-going public would be interested in seeing.

Oh. Well I look forward to working --

And living -- with them.

You're not understanding, stan.

We're firing you from the museum.

I see.

May I hold your hand now?

Okay, but just for a minute.

Then you have to get the hell out.

Elderly woman: ? happy birthday to you ?

[ blows ] what did you wish for?

To be honest, ma'am, my one, true, fondest wish

Would be for you to please, please, please

Just buy an encyclopedia.

Let me just get my checkbook.

I know it's right here in the --

Oh.

You're never gonna believe this.

Thank you for your time, ma'am.

You have yourself a lovely day.

Okay, so this one didn't quite pan out, but -- gah!

Rogu hungry.

Oh, my god, rogu!

We gotta get you to a mickey d's, stat!

I don't know how I forgot to order anything for you.

But what's this now?

I just wanna check this out, won't be long.

Don't touch my apple pie.

The website says it's a benjamin franklin museum.

Things change.

And don't I know it. Roger?

Stan? Whatcha got going on here?

After my so-called "buddy" glen-dog

Fired me from my own house,

He at least set me up with a position

At this benjamin franklin museum.

So it is a benjamin franklin museum.

No!

I've turned it into something much more meaningful --

A tribute to the beautiful family

I so foolishly chased out of my life.

There's my little steve, hitting the books.

Keep up the good work, champ.

Don't stay up too late studying.

And there's hayley, flying her kite.

Way to go, baby girl. You got it up all by yourself.

Daddy's so proud of you!

And there's the lovely francine,

Negotiating with king louis xvi for more funds

To support the american revolution.

She always loved doing that. Perchance a kiss, my sweet?

[ grunting ]

[ electricity crackling ]

Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl.

[ sobbing ]

Stan, why are you doing all this?

In the hopes that someday they'll hear about this place,

Come see how truly sorry I am,

And then hopefully, eventually forgive me.

Oh, papa, we already have!

Yeah, dad, you seem like you've been through enough.

Steve! Hayley! And francine!

Oh, I've missed you so much, baby!

Mm. Mm.

[ francine clears throat ]

If you're ever in duluth, call me.

Bahhhhhhh!

I, for one, don't know if I'm quite ready to forgive you yet.

Sure you're sorry, but you still don't seem to get it.

You still put us all on display here.

We want our privacy back.

We want our lives back.

We want our worms back.

We want our house back.

I think I have a plan to do just that...

With a little help from our robotic replicas here.

Hanover! Give us back our house.

You mean our house.

The historical society, that is.

Oh, yeah? Remember the brothel?

The reason the deed was transferred in the first place?

Well, I dug it, I staged it, I faked the whole thing.

You did?! I could tell.

Meaning that the deed

Was exchanged under false pretenses.

Ooh, say "ipso facto,"

This is the perfect opportunity to say "ipso facto."

And therefore... Ugh.

...Null and void. [ all gasp ]

You say the brothel was fake?

Prove it.

I...Can't.

I think I know how to solve this problem,

With a little help from my trusty encyclopedia here.

He's right.

There's an entry about the silken saltbox in here,

And it clearly states it was located in east langley.

This house couldn't be it!

Oh. I was just gonna kill him with it,

But your way works, too.

I know I was obsessed with being a somebody,

But there's nobody I'd rather be with

Than you beautiful nobodies right here.

Thanks?

Oh, stan, when are you

Finally gonna realize what I've always known?

That absolutely nothing is more important than family.

Oh, my god, I left rogu at a gas station in newark.

You know what? He's a tough cookie.

He'll be fine through the weekend.

I promise all of you, I'll never again lose sight of what

This all should've been about in the first place --

The plaque.

[ all groan ]

Oh, not that plaque.

Perfect.

??

Bye-bye! See you soon!

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