Original subtitles

Ugh!

I can't see crap!

I don't know how the biebs gets anything done.

Try having a wallet chain

That weighs five times your body weight, bro!

It looks sick, though, right?

Hell yeah! Let's go be emo a-f!

[ sweet music plays ] on their phones?!

[ mutters ]

No kiss?

Klaus: Where are all the future teen moms?!

Damn! No one in town's boning!

It's more than that, klaus.

It's a total lack of intimacy.

And it wounds my emo soul.

Klaus: Whoa. Even principal lewis isn't

Sniffing the volleyball team's hair for good luck anymore!

He was spoken to. But, still, it's heartbreaking.

Luckily, I know just the person

To contact to save langley.

Later, skater.

Wait! So we're not going to the 7-eleven

To steal beers in your big pants?

Nothing says you mean business

Like a letter written in your own blood.

To the winds!

Okay. Time to relax.

[ rock music plays ]

??

??

Come on, mei lan. Don't shut bao bao out.

Look into her eyes.

[ soft growling ]

[ pandas moaning ]

[ all cheering ]

[ all moaning and giggling ]

Written in blood? They must mean business!

[ gasps ] langley needs an intimacy coach!

Stay sexy, beijing!

Darn tootin' I ride my vespa side-saddle!

I'm classy as shit!

[ engine revs ]

??

? good morning, u.S.A. ?

? I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ?

? the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ?

? and he's shinin' a salute to the american race ?

? oh, boy, it's swell to say ?

? good - ? ? good morning, u.S.A. ?

Aah!

? good morning, u.S.A. ?

Bon soir, langley.

Welcome to "lovers and other strangers."

I'm your host - intimacy coach and grandma

Suzette foufoune.

Let's get right into it, shall we?

Most people don't know how to practice intimacy...

Which I like to spell "into-me-see"

To remind you to let your partner in.

For instance, have you ever asked your partner

What temperature of bathwater they prefer?

I like mine the temperature of urine,

Which is convenient because I have chronic

Bladder-control issues.

And now a word from our sponsor,

Gary's wholesale sausage emporium.

Are retail hot-dog prices making you c-c-crazy?

Come on down to gary's for all your discount dog needs.

[hushed] was this really the best we could do?

Blue apron passed.

Okay, okay. Let's get vulnerable, langley.

Let's get sexy.

First caller gets 11 feet

Of gary's signature summer sausage!

Bon soir, loverrrr.

What's your question for suzette?

Caller: I'm afraid to initiate

Physical contact with my wife!

More of a statement than a question,

But we'll say you still get...

5 feet of sausage.

[ audience cheering ]

[ upbeat music plays ]

Our next guest is known as the "get-it-on granny."

She's taking langley by storm!

Give it up for...

Suzette foufouuuuuune!

[ cheers and applause ]

Now, you've transformed langley

Into one of the sexiest cities in america

And did what no one else could or wanted to!

You got suze and her ex, mike, back together!

The courts, her family,

And his aa sponsor are all against it,

But with your help, they found a way!

[ suze grunts ]

[ both moaning ]

Is that foreplay or foul play?

After the break, we find out!

If it weren't for roger's new persona,

I wouldn't have discovered

How much I love brushing your hair.

I can't think of anything more intimate

We could do in this position.

[ gunfire ] hoh-hoh-hoh!

Getting intimate with my bros has helped us dominate

"the vow of the disciple raid."

Now we alternate the leaching force debuff

While we kill the glyphkeepers in rhulk's inner sanctum.

Thanks to suzette, snot and I

Took our relationship to the next level.

Snot: We got matching tats!

Oh, my god! Is nowhere safe?!

I just had to watch a couple

"lady and the tramp" a sub sandwich at work!

Babe, you're back!

I had such a hectic day waiting for you in bed.

Jeff and I don't need any of this "intimacy" crap!

Our relationship is tight. Right, jeff?

Tight as a tiger! Roooaar!

Sorry. That was a lion.

Sounds like someone is afraid to get vulnerable.

Or get sexy.

[ scoffs ] jeff and I are sexy as hell.

In fact...

[deep voice] let's. Go. Doooo it!

[ liquid bubbling ] [ exhales heavily ]

Peace, slut.

[ snoring ]

? scrubbin' up my undercarriage ?

? mediocre sex is part of marriage ?

Francine: Keep! Meeting!

My! Needs!

Stan: I'm meeting the shit outta your needs right now!

Needs! Needs! Needs!

"need - a requirement,

Either phy-si-o-lo-gi-cal

Or puh-sy-cho-lo-gi-cal."

Hoo-hoo! Lotta big words.

Good thing I have this dic-tee-on-ary.

O-m-g! I have needs!

But how can I get hayley to be intimate?

She just wants to hit it and quit it.

It feels like your heart's not in this, rogu.

If I wanted someone to lightly slap my back

With a dead fish, I have a guy.

Bon soir. You're live with suzette.

What's your name, loverrr?

Jeff: Jeff fischer.

Oh! I-I mean, spelled g-e-o-f-f.

Jeff, just come up to the attic for god's sake.

I'm going off-air. Bring lotion!

Unh! Now, that's what I'm talkin' about.

It should feel like you almost hate me. You were saying?

I want intimacy, but I'm worried hayley doesn't.

With a resistant partner,

You have to be crystal clear about your needs.

Can you focus on my glutes?

And when I say "glutes," I obviously mean my butthole.

Gentlemen, have any of you heard of something called "netflix"?

-Why, sure. -Sure. I have.

It's a "streamer."

Last night, I "streamed" a program

About a spunky little gal called marie kondo.

Marie's all about letting go of unnecessary crap.

It made me realize

The cia is in dire need

Of a good decluttering.

Does this mean you'll be inspecting

Our personal workspaces?

Damn skippy, weitzman!

Unless it "sparks joy" for me personally,

Say sayonara, sweetheart!

Ring, ring, ring.

I'm getting a call on my spy phone.

H-hello, mr. President!

[ door opens ] sounds important.

[ whistling ]

??

Champers? Noice!

[ gulping ]

[ sultry music playing ] I realized if I want

My needs met, it's important

To be crystal clear.

So I need you to -

Can't hear you when you're nekked!

Now bend over! Mama want!

[ liquid bubbling ] [ exhales heavily ]

Peace, slut.

[ snoring ]

??

What are you doing up? It's your nap time.

No. It's "we need to talk" time, hayley!

"hayley"? Someone needs a nap.

What I need is intimacy,

And you're not meeting my needs!

Uh, our sex life is fire, dude!

I haven't "finished" from sex with you in over a year.

[ scoffs ] please.

Everyone knows it's physically impossible

For guys to fake orgasms.

Sex. Sex.

Sexxxxx!

Oh, my god. You have been faking!

I don't want to pretend anymore.

That's why I bought us tickets to suzette's

"intimacy intensive" in old upper lanceton.

That weird old-lady roger persona

Everyone's obsessed with? No way!

It starts tonight, and I'm gonna be there.

I hope you will be, too.

[ door closes ] oh, my god.

When did jeff get a suitcase?

How did I beat you here? You left two hours before me.

I had to return my suitcase. It was a rental.

You came!

Yeah. And I'm not happy about it.

And it smells weird in here. [ switch clicks ]

That's the vulnerability. It has an aroma.

Like a soft cheese left to ripen gently

In the tuscan sun.

This psycho's gonna help us?

Pfft. Right.

Our first exercise.

Let's start easy.

Dip our toes into the "inti-me-sea."

This time it's "sea" like the ocean.

Let's all share with the group.

Question! What's your favorite cereal?

-Fruity pebbles. -Fruity pebbles!

-Bran flakes. -Grape nuuuuts!

Count chocula!

[ suspenseful music plays ]

Babe? What's yours?

Shredded wheat? [ sighs ]

Frosted or plain?

Stop interrogating me!

My favorite cereal is my own private business!

That bitch is crazy. There's a door right there.

Sorry, jeff, we only have two rules -

No singles and no refunds.

The truth about who killed jfk?

Uch! I prefer living in the dark.

Shred it.

This picture of you and captain picard at comic-con?

Ha ha! That handsome devil.

But he got a little handsy.

Trash it.

Some funky old rollerblades?

My beloved!

[ harp twinkles ]

[ funky music plays ]

??

Believe it or not, I was a real rink rat.

I even won the disco diva skate-off!

I was riding high that day,

As were my gold lam� shorts.

[ sobbing ]

These roller skates are my new standard for joy!

An original van gogh stolen during world war ii,

Recovered by green berets

In a midnight raid that cost two men their lives,

One of whom was your father.

Barf! Burn it!

[ huffs ] stop chasing me, jeff!

Give me some space, stalker!

But - [ sighs ] jeff always follows me.

[ wolf howls ]

Ooh. I do not need another wolf bite.

??

[ slurping ]

I'm very sensitive to people's energy,

And yours sucks ass.

Mi poppers es su poppers.

What's your deal, dawg?

My wife jumped out a window

Because I don't want sex without intimacy.

[ coughs ] what?!

Intimacy is overrated!

And you can orgasm like a pig without it!

Why would I want to orgasm like a pig?!

Because pigs have orgasms that last up to 90 minutes!

Maybe that's why bacon tastes so delicious!

Listen. I built a machine

Capable of giving a pig's orgasm to humans.

And the best part is, once you have one,

Your brain changes forever!

You'll never need intimacy again!

Awesome!

If neither of us needs it,

Me and babe will get along so great!

Yeah. It's like they say.

Once you're squealin', there's no need for feelin's.

Where's jeff?!

Kinda hard to do trust falls without a partner.

Probably across the street at applebee's.

That's where most of my dropouts end up.

-Whoopsie! -I'm craig robinson!

Have you seen my husband?!

Cute butt, wears a hat?

Yeah, he left with some bald pervert in a lab coat

Who was trying to hook people up to a pig-orgasm machine.

Weitzman!

F-15?

No joy! Goodwill!

[ grunting ]

New mission just came in. Drug bust.

All we need is two black hawks and a rocket launcher.

Bullock: What have I done?!

I've gotten rid of everything! Except my golden skates.

This disco diva has a few tricks in him yet.

I'll take it from here, gentlemen.

Off I go!

[ grunting ]

Smith, can I get a push?

[ beeping ]

Behold! The porkgasm 5000!

Cool. But why did you build this, again?

I believe if humans were as sexually satisfied as pigs,

World peace would be imminent.

Sure...

So, how does it work?

The porkgasm 5000 bypasses your prefrontal cortex

And connects directly to your "spank bank,"

Accessing your turn-ons

And amplifying them five thousand times

To give you your most bestest orgasm ever!

Sounds super scientific.

But if it's going to save my marriage, I'll try anything.

[ whirring ]

Alright, mister doctor,

Which nose hole do I put my wiener in?

The helmet goes on your head.

[ beeping ]

[ pig snorts ]

There!

All ready to get piggy with it.

[ zap ]

[ moans echoing ]

[ beeping ]

Ugg-ugg, baby.

Let's play doctor.

Wanna do it gorilla-style?

You can leave your hat on.

Can we talk first?

Any of you want to share your feelings?

I share feelings!

Good feelings! [ moans ]

This is, uh, not boding well for me.

[ beeping ]

You should be in hog heaven by now, buddy.

[ steady beeping ]

Hmmm. No response.

Maybe the oink factor's too low.

Paper towels! Paper towels! [ electricity crackling ]

[ screaming ]

[ knock on door ]

[ gasps ] two visitors in one day?!

Ha! Best day ever!

What have you done with my husband?!

Jeff's your husband?

Oh! You're the one who won't meet his needs.

I can totally see that.

Cut the crap, weitzman! If jeff okay?

Oh! Right! He's being electrocuted!

[ grunting ]

[ screaming ]

Wooo! Shake it, honey!

Hey, girl. 'sup?

[ grunting ]

[deep voice echoing] mama want!

[ screaming ]

Oh, my god! Jeff!

Oh, my god! P-p-p-porky!

What did you do to him, you monster?!

Technically, you did this to him.

He wanted to remove his need for intimacy to make you happy.

You wanna see a monster, look in the mirror, honey.

[ sobbing ] just unplug it!

Can't! If jeff doesn't orgasm in the machine,

He'll never orgasm again in real life!

It's a small design flaw I don't like to dwell on.

[ electricity crackles ]

I'm going in. I'm his wife.

And if anyone can make him orgasm like a pig...

It's me.

[ pig snorts ]

[ zap ]

[ slurping ]

Babe? Is that real you?

Jeff!

I've gotta make you climax,

Or we're never getting out of here!

But I need intimacy to do that, and you don't want it!

I do want it!

It's just...

There's things I'm ashamed of.

[ grunts ] quit it! Like what, babe?

My first... Sexual experience.

It's so embarrassing, I'm afraid you'll judge me.

I could never judge you.

This is a safe space.

[ object bouncing ]

Oh, no.

Is that a basketball?

Wait. Did you lose your virginity

To a basketball player?!

Was it shaq? Lebron?!

The great james naismith?!

I'm confused.

I was at the park one day, mindin' my business...

??

A little help?

??

[ ting! ]

Hayley: After a while, I got tired of standing,

So I sat on a basketball.

And suddenly, for the first time,

I felt feelings... Down there.

Thank you for being intimate with me, babe.

I've never felt closer to you!

Stop! Don't you dare stick him down there!

Use this instead!

[deep voice] basketball?!

Mama want!

[ moans softly ]

??

So...A basketball was my first sexual partner.

You don't think I'm a big weirdo?

Of course I do, but I love you anyway.

And I'm really turned on.

You are?

Wait. I am, too!

Quick! Tell me another secret!

Okay. Um, my adult teeth never came in.

These are my baby teeth.

Luckily, they're freakishly large.

I pee in the shower sometimes.

I pee in the shower every time.

[ both moaning ]

Sex. Sex.

Sexxxxx! Ohh!

Here we goooooo!

Both: Whoaaaaa!

What?! They're porkgasming from intimacy?!

Ugh! This is bullshit!

[ sighs ] I need a third helmet.

[ reverse signal beeping ]

In the name of the cia and these skates,

Surrender to justice!

[ guns cock ]

Put down your weapons.

"boogie woogie" bullock?

Randy good times?

I haven't seen you since -

You beat me in the disco diva skate-off.

And I turned to a life of crime

Instead of having good times.

I'll tell you what, boogie woogie.

I want a do-over.

And if you win, you can bust my drugs.

And if you win?

I get those fabulous golden skates.

You're on, good times!

[ funky music plays ] [ bone cracks ]

Aah! My hip!

I've had mine replaced!

[ jeff and hayley moaning ]

[ both sigh ]

Sometimes after sex,

I like to fantasize about medieval times -

The dinner and tournament, not the historical period.

Babe, when you're intimate like that,

You turn "after sex"

Into "right before sex."

[ both moaning ]

Eww! Get a room!

Bye! Have a beautiful time!

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0