Original subtitles

Ruffles straight from the shirt, the way nature intended.

[ all murmuring agreement ]

Where's onion dip?

In the auxiliary condiment shirt.

Rogu cream boy.

I want to be cream boy.

Then you should have shown up for try-outs.

Now, hush. Greg's on.

Tonight we look at blue zones, the areas

Where people's healthy lifestyles

Help them live longer than anywhere else on earth.

Look at these gorgeous geezers.

Shh! I'm watching

The jason statham movie "crank" on my phone.

What? Me too.

Statham's character,

Chev chelios... Chev chelios.

...Is getting road head to keep his adrenaline up

So he doesn't die.

I pretty much just watched this one scene over and over again.

I call it the erector's cut.

Quiet, fish!

Blue zones include sardinia, Italy; icaria, greece;

And, of course, langley falls, virginia.

Really?

...Is the complete opposite of a blue zone.

A red zone, a place

Where you'll likely die at a young age.

[ gasps ]

My "crank"!

We're all gonna die soon

Unless we live like in one of these blue zones.

Francine, blue zones are for two things -

The blue man and his group.

Plus, I'm healthy as babe, the blue ox.

[ bones cracking ] [ groaning ]

Now let's race upstairs for a very healthy roll in the hay.

Last one there is a rotten -

[ panting ]

Put the bose headphones on, kids.

Francine, we'll have to do it here.

??

? good morning, u.S.A. ?

? I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ?

? the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ?

? and he's shinin' a salute to the american race ?

? oh, boy, it's swell to say ?

? good - ? ? good morning, u.S.A. ?

Aah!

? good morning, u.S.A. ?

??

Please just try some mediterranean food, stan.

This is how they eat in blue zones.

There are too many colors on my plate, francine.

It's blinding.

Those are vegetables. I knew it.

Health food.

It's delicious. And it'll help us live longer.

Don't you want to be around to do all that stuff

On your bucket list? Go on safari, seeing ringo starr

And his all-starr band, learn to play the bass.

I gave up on that years ago.

Remember when I spent the whole weekend learning the bass?

No matter how much I practiced,

I still couldn't play like flea by Monday,

So no more wasting time, francine.

Now I spend every day living life to the fullest.

Yeah, you do. Let's watch "crank."

Start it up, my friend.

Sorry, but life's too short

To spend it trying to live longer.

[ spits ]

These taste incredible today.

Because I replaced them with pita chips and baba ganoush.

[ spits ] you tricked me.

But baba ganoush is a hilarious name

And the taste doesn't lag far behind.

Now, what's this?

Mmm. Mmm.

A falafel.

I guess maybe I could

Give the mediterranean diet a try.

[ greek music playing ]

??

You did a real 180 on this mediterranean stuff, dad.

Well, that falafel really changed my life.

[ door opens ]

I can't believe you're allowed to just walk

To the grocery store.

I didn't even realize we were exercising.

Not only was the fishmonger a type of man

And not a type of monster,

He had whatever this thing is.

This lifestyle makes us social,

Which is why tonight, we dine...

Al fresco!

This is living.

And this is saganaki - flaming greek cheese.

Opa!

Uh, stan, who are those guys over there?

Along with tons of olive oil,

I imported these mediterranean men

To make our social bonds authentic.

This one is my favorite.

Meet my best friend and mentor, petros.

[ speaking greek ]

Oh, petros,

Your babbling is filled with such greek wisdom.

Opa!

[ screaming ]

What's this bullshit?

It's called bocce.

Takes an entire lifetime to master.

??

We have wasted our lives.

Let's go have a warm beer in a tiny little glass.

??

I love you.

I wonder if I need to buy petros a new little greek vest.

Later, stan.

Now let's go do what married couples do best.

Oh, stan!

O-pa!

[ fire whooshes ]

Wow! If we keep this lifestyle going,

I really think we could be adding years to our lives.

It feels like we've been given all this extra time

To do... My bucket list.

Excuse the post-coitus interruptus.

I have to call our lawyer.

[ line rings ]

Rudy, I need to update and expand my bucket list.

How many witnesses do I need?

None. It's not a legal document.

Whatever you say, rudy.

You're the family lawyer. Just write this down.

Meet jason statham,

See ringo starr's all-starr band,

Join ringo starr's all-starr band,

Replace ringo in ringo stan's

All-stan band.

[ greek music playing ]

Breakfast saganaki?

"opa" it for me, would you?

I have to find petros,

Tell him about my new bucket list. Petros!

Petros, my soulmate!

There he is.

Looks like someone partied too hard.

You know what that means.

This is gonna be good.

Time to wake up, petros.

Oh, my god, petros is dead.

Ooooopaaaa!

How could someone this young die of natural causes?

He was 96.

But he lived the most mediterranean lifestyle ever.

My bucket list is huge.

96 years will barely scratch the surface.

We're doing what we can to live longer, stan.

But no one lives forever.

? wrong ?

I will go beyond the mediterranean lifestyle.

I will find a way to live forever.

I will defy death. Ah!

Oh, petros, will your death ever stop hurting?

"run a marathon, try anal, open a failing gastropub,

Get gordon ramsay to visit, then trap him in the freezer."

Truly a bucket list to not die for.

Kalamata olive, stan?

You know I'm trying to live forever,

And you offer me the very things that killed petros?!

Now be gone, ye harbinger of death.

Oh, I guess now we aren't saying goodbye?

Real nice. Okay. [ cracks knuckles ]

Like a modern-day wizard, I delve into strange

And arcane alchemies in search of eternal life.

Bullseye. Targeted ad.

This is why I always share my data.

Ow! Roger, what was that?

Your free injection of peptides.

I'm told there are articles about studies

That claim it de-ages you.

Dr. Lee vurever, biohacker.

Biohacking is using high-tech science

On your body to stop aging in its tracks.

Aah! Just another injection. Not free.

And this stuff is legit? Of course.

Why else would insane silicon valley people do it?

Stan, may I show you a picture of a shark?

Alright. Just this once.

The greenland shark.

Longest-living vertebrate on earth.

Five-hundo years old.

Five-hundo?

But that's...500.

Scientists are researching their secrets

To find a way to live forever.

We need to keep you from aging so you're alive

When the live-forever tech is invented.

Then I can do my whole bucket list.

You could do it twice. You'll be alive forever.

You'll see the continents form back into pangea,

The rise of the mutant roach men.

Sounds great, but will it turn my life upside down?

No way. It works best if you go about your normal life.

You'll notice me as much as you notice

The massive anal vitamin blast

I gave you mere moments ago.

Why, I didn't notice that at all.

Wait. Sorry. I'm all mixed up.

Didn't do this one yet. Drop trou, bud.

Umby g!

"umby g" is short for umberto granaglia,

The greatest bocce player of all time.

Don't need this in a longevity lab.

Longevity lab?!

That's my room, my clothes!

My bed!

Aaah! My jeff!

What the hell?!

What have you done to my bedroom?!

Well, I need somewhere to put my high-tech longevity lab.

What about your attic? Be serious.

Where would I put all of rogu's toys?

We're all making sacrifices, hayley.

You don't hear steve complaining.

[ weakly ] daddy needs my young blood.

Ugh!

Send that sweet blood to my fingies, steve.

It's bass time.

[ strings pluck ]

[ crash ] jeff: Ow!

Hey! That's on my bucket list.

No multi-tasking. It ages you like nobody's business.

[ cellphone chimes ] we need single-minded focus.

Dr. Weitzman, any results for stan's aging test?

Stan's aging 30% slower.

It's working! Let's effing sloooow.

[ upbeat music plays ]

??

??

From now on, you only eat highly nutritious sludge.

Tube him!

??

??

Uhp! 1:00 p.M. You know what that means.

Lunch. Bedtime.

You need your 14 hours of sleep.

Dog-style. Doggy-style?

Weitzman!

At least he sleeps normally.

Sorry, franny, forgot something.

[ whirring ] aah!

It's good for his rem cycle.

What about my rem cycle?

Oh, no, it's real bad for that.

Ugh. I haven't slept in weeks.

We all want your dad to live longer,

But this biohacking has gotta stop.

Yeah, he missed me winning

The famous roberto benigni invitational tournamentini.

You're all jealous you're not his special blood bo-

Our life was so amazing.

The string lights, the falafel, the saganaki.

The opas!

That'll snap him out of it.

Sorry, francine. You can't come in the bubble.

The air in here is filtered to dr. Vurever's specifications.

But stan, don't you remember the saganaki?

The opa?

The opa?

The ohhh-pah.

A lot of steve's blood is rushing to my penis right now.

But, no, I can't. It could age me.

Don't be silly, stan. Sex keeps you young.

It's totally natural.

[ breathing heavily ]

Roger: Looking sexy, stan.

Blood oxygen optimal, sperm motility on target.

Roger, are you watching us?!

Not watching. Monitoring.

Great. Just like that, stan.

[ machine beeping ] heart rate a little high. Easy.

Faster. No, slower. Oh, I forgot to tell you.

Under no circumstance can you climax. [ beeping faster ]

Slow down. You're getting too close.

[ alarm blares ] stan, stop! Abort!

What is he doing?! Weitzman, pull him out!

Get out of here, weitzman!

Stan: Euuuuuuughhhhhhhhhhhh!

Damn it, weitzman, stop touching your face.

You're getting it in your eyes.

I thought I could pull you back to reality,

But now I just feel stupid!

I know it's been tough, but for me to have

A real chance to live forever -

Enough with this living-forever nonsense.

You're acting like a lunatic.

Says the harbinger of death.

Stop calling me the harbinger of death!

Harbinger of death says what?

Stop! All this fighting is aging you faster

Than a wartime president.

It's critical we get you away from all these stressors

And into an isolation tent.

We're almost at the finish line.

The finish line, francine!

What finish line?! What finish line?

I've finally been invited to hunt greenland sharks

In a submersible off the coast of -

And this is weird - texas.

We are this close to unlocking eternal life.

Francine, look how close together his fingers are.

[ snoring softly ]

[ machine beeping ]

I'm betting that if primo wife sex

Couldn't bring stan back to his senses,

The only thing that can is the taste of his other true love,

Falafel.

But how do we get it in his mouth?

[ croaking ] glory hole.

Roger always hides a secret glory hole

In anything he builds,

But it won't be easy to find.

Here it is.

Sweet souvlaki.

I could bocce it through the hole and into his mouth.

[ snoring ]

Umberto granaglia guide my hand.

[ dramatic music plays ]

??

Yeah! Right in the kisser! Hayley!

Ugh! What was that?

Oh, no. It shot down his throat.

He didn't even taste it!

Weird. An insulin spike, for some reason.

I can fix that.

[ beeping and whirring ] uhp! Now blood oxygen is dropping.

Now I've got low-t? Enough pussyfooting.

Let's do this!

[ intense whirring and beeping ]

I'm gonna live forever!

Aaah! Oh!

[ grunting and groaning ]

I was never here!

Stan, you pumped a lot of horrible stuff into your body.

Good news - there's more health data on you

Than any patient ever.

Bad news - all that data shows

You'll only live for three more days.

Three-day weekend, baby!

I only have three days left to live?

You can do it, mr. S!

There must be some way to save him.

The only thing that could help

Is a transfusion with your son,

But somehow he has almost no blood.

Uh, a medical mystery.

Where's roger? Could he help?

I don't think so. Look!

Dr. Vurever's submersible has likely imploded

In the ocean depths.

Experts say the accident was probably caused

By a small circular perforation in the hull.

Together: Glory hole.

I'll see you soon, petros.

Wait. What if this is a crank situation?

What? Raising my adrenaline could let me live longer.

It's worth a shot. Quick, stan!

Parkour out the window and steal a motorcycle.

[ exciting music plays ] ah!

I think it's working.

Aah! [ thud ]

[ flatline ]

That fall had you unconscious for 48 hours.

You have one more day to live.

The "crank" didn't work?

I tried and tried to get someone to give you road head,

But no one would do it.

??

How about we find some easy things on your bucket list

We can do on your last day, stan?

Here's one - "buy wendy's spicy nuggets,

Eat them in a mcdonald's."

If there's no time to do all of it,

I don't want to do any of it.

I'll spend my last day experimenting

With different ways to say, "why me?"

[ cries ]

I just want him at least to die happy.

Wait, what if there was a way he could do all of it?

Why me, why me, why me?

[ knock on door ]

Jason statham?

Hi, stan. I heard you're dying.

Oh, my god, he knows who I am.

Not really, mate. Follow me.

W-what is this?

We're going to your bucketpalooza.

Bucketpalooza? As in an event

Where I get to do everything on my bucket list

Today before I die?

Yes! Klaus is finishing setting it all

Up at the sharks nest.

Here's your bucketpalooza map, dad.

A safari. A bass masterclass.

Oyyyy! [ tires screech ]

Traffic jam. [ horns honking ]

Like a bleeding car park, it is.

Lorries bonnet to boot as far as the eye can see.

Remind me again when you're dying.

According to the data, I pass away at eight tonight.

Ah, no rush then. It'll move.

[ horns honking ]

What if we do some things on your bucket list

Right here in the car?

[ gasps ] are we on safari right now?

[ dog panting ]

[ sighs ]

Ooh! The bellagio fountain show.

Should I give statham road head?

That's not on my bucket list!

Maybe klaus can put ringo on facetime.

[ line ringing ]

Stan, ringo's here.

Giving ringo the phone now.

Here comes ringo.

It hung up? No!

Ringo, my phone died!

We wasted my battery watching "crank."

I wouldn't call it a waste, love.

I'd never seen the erector's cut.

Well, at least you got to see klaus one last time.

[ cries ]

Chin up, mate.

At least you met me before you died.

Oh, mr. Statham.

Please, call me chev chelios.

I'm not crying because I didn't get to do my bucket list.

It's because my family did so much for me,

And I treated them so badly.

Look, I never wrote one thing

On this stupid list about my family.

Why don't we change that using this chaos pen

Sly stallone gave me?

[ ting! ]

Worth 60k.

In fact, you can keep it.

I'll get it back when you die.

Cancel the bucketpalooza.

I can finish my new bucket list right here.

All: Awww! Oyyy!

Look! We're moving again.

I wonder what caused all that traffic.

Roger?! Chev chelios, pull over!

Stan, it's the most amazing story.

After the sub imploded,

I was saved by a greenland shark.

It almost felt bad to turn around

And imprison him immediately, but it was for money.

I'm sorry I can't muster more excitement for your story.

It's just that I'm dying in two hours.

Ohh! You ain't dying, stan.

That's greenland shark juice.

I distilled its life-extending power.

Who wants to live forever?

-Me! -Me too!

-Me! -Me, me, me!

[ glass cracking, crowd clamoring ]

[ crowd screaming ]

Greenland shark!

??

Don't know what to tell you, stan.

Somehow you're suddenly as healthy as a... Greenland shark?

What? No! As healthy as someone

Who just met jason statham.

I'm confident you're going to live a long,

Long, long, long, long...

Stan? Stan, is that you? Wow. You're still alive.

That's shark juice for ya.

Boom. New pangea. How you liking it?

Mutant roach-men are kind of a bitch, huh?

I miss my family. Yeah. On the bright side,

That roach-man kind of looks like steve.

[ growling ]

Huh. Yeah, a little bit.

You ever get around to learning bass?

Uh, does this answer your question?

[ bass playing ]

??

Have a great night!

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