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1
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This programme contains
strong language and adult humour.
2
00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:08,040
You all right, Dad? You all right,
mate? Am I a bad mum? No!
3
00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:11,480
I've had that level of connection
with a guy called Alex.
4
00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:15,360
It was an affair that was
going on for years and years.
5
00:00:15,360 --> 00:00:17,360
I don't want Suzie, I want you.
6
00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:18,640
Suze...
7
00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:20,000
Why were you there that night?
8
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:21,840
Do you think there's something
special about you, Nic?
9
00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:24,280
I mean, fucking come on.
10
00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:28,520
When you used to hang out with him,
you made me so uncomfortable.
11
00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:30,640
This is actually
my brother's memorial.
12
00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:32,440
Nic. Oh, my God.
13
00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:34,520
Why don't you come up here and
share something?
14
00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:36,760
Er...
15
00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:39,360
The last time I saw Alex....
16
00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:42,000
Stop the train!
17
00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:50,680
DISTORTED SHOUTING
18
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:53,800
You philistine!
19
00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:55,640
Something doesn't feel right!
20
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:57,680
SCREAMING
21
00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:03,400
CAR DOORS SLAM
22
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,520
Look at my tooth, Nic!
23
00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:06,760
Look at it!
24
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:08,600
Everything all right, love?
Just drive!
25
00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:14,080
Nic! Are you going to just leave
your son?!
26
00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:15,840
Of course you are!
27
00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:17,440
Unbelievable!
28
00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:39,320
All dressed up.
What was it, a wedding?
29
00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:40,880
No, a memorial.
30
00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:43,280
Oh, God. Sorry, sorry.
31
00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:46,360
Anyone important?
32
00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:47,880
Brother-in-law.
33
00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:49,520
Oh, not that important, then.
34
00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:51,920
SNIFFLING: I was shagging him.
35
00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:54,480
Not at the memorial, I hope.
36
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:57,400
That'd be messed up, wouldn't it?
That'd create a buzz.
37
00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:02,680
Sorry, that was...
38
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:04,320
..that was insensitive.
39
00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:06,360
Sorry about that.
40
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:08,000
Everyone found out.
41
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:11,360
There was a big fight.
42
00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:13,440
Ah, my metacarpal, you buffoon!
43
00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:15,520
That was totally inappropriate.
You stupid slag!
44
00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:17,880
HE SOBS
45
00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:19,880
Someone lost a tooth.
46
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:22,960
Then they thought they found it,
but it was just an Airwaves.
47
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,400
My son had a seizure.
48
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:27,960
What hospital?
49
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,720
What? What hospital is he at?
The Royal?
50
00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:31,480
Do you want to get to the Royal,
yeah? No, no hospital.
51
00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:33,600
He's back there, just...
You've left him back there?
52
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:35,560
Yeah. Oh, nice.
53
00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:37,080
Well, it's good mother as well.
54
00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:39,800
Having affairs, treating your kid
like a piece of crap.
55
00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:43,760
I never wanted it to come out
like this.
56
00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:45,640
Not at his fucking memorial.
57
00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:49,200
Oh, my son.
58
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:52,920
The look on his face.
59
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,040
I'm so sorry.
60
00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:05,680
Where are we going?
61
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:07,520
I don't know.
62
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:08,600
Just drive.
63
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:12,600
Nice one, dispatch.
64
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:15,520
Shut in the car with this
absolute lunatic.
65
00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:22,640
How's your hand?
66
00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:24,280
I mean, I'm st...
67
00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:29,160
I'm struggling to pick up
thin things, like biros, but...
68
00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:31,080
Any news on Ollie?
69
00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:33,800
The nurses have run tests,
they've come back normal, so...
70
00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:37,600
SHE SIGHS
71
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,720
I just don't understand why
he'd do that to me.
72
00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:46,600
Nic I get, you know?
She's a self-absorbed child, but...
73
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:50,240
..him?
74
00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,280
Like...
75
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:56,240
OK, Nic and I, we weren't perfect,
we had our fair share of problems.
76
00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:58,120
And I told him stuff but
now I'm thinking,
77
00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,400
did he just think that was me
giving him a hall pass on my wife?
78
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,040
Like, did he hate me that much?
79
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,160
Or...
80
00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:07,240
Or did he actually love Nic?
81
00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:09,160
He definitely
wasn't in love with her.
82
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:11,920
No, he wasn't!
He couldn't have been!
83
00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:13,360
She's not even his type.
84
00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:15,440
He doesn't like funny women.
85
00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:18,000
Especially unfunny women who
think they're funny.
86
00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:22,520
I thought he loved me.
87
00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:24,000
He did.
88
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:25,560
He definitely did.
89
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,200
What am I going to do?
90
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,520
I think you're a slag.
91
00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:35,520
Who doesn't?
92
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:39,040
There's a place in hell
reserved for people like you.
93
00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:40,680
You murdered him.
94
00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:42,840
Ah!
95
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:44,880
Oh, my God!
PHONE CHIMES
96
00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:46,760
Sorry, you talking to me?
97
00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:48,160
What?
98
00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:49,560
You talking to me?
99
00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:51,400
Yeah, who were you talking to?
100
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,040
Wildlife Sanctuary.
101
00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:56,280
Found a little blind crow last week,
took him in there.
102
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:58,040
This bitch on the phone is
just telling me,
103
00:04:58,040 --> 00:04:59,520
"Right, they've euthanised him,"
104
00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:01,800
because they don't think he's got
any quality of life.
105
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,600
Unbelievable.
106
00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:06,360
Do you know how much Pro Plus
I snorted over that 72 hours
107
00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:09,280
just trying to keep him alive,
feeding him with a little pipette?
108
00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:10,600
It was insane.
109
00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:13,160
By the end, I was just seeing
triangles, I was hallucinating.
110
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:17,920
There's this geezer in America, he's
a lorry driver on YouTube, right?
111
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:22,360
He's got a little crow that he has
riding shotgun with him.
112
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,680
He's taught the crow to scroll
through Spotify
113
00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:26,600
and pick songs for him,
it's beautiful.
114
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:29,160
If you see it,
it's incredible what this crow does.
115
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:30,960
That's what I wanted for me
and Dean.
116
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,600
That's what I called him, Dean.
117
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,240
Never got to take him
to Thorpe Park.
118
00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:39,720
Promised him that, I said, "I'll
take you to Thorpe Park, mate.
119
00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:41,640
"When you're better, I'll take
you to Thorpe Park."
120
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:43,000
He'd have loved that.
121
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:45,280
Who wouldn't love Thorpe Park?
It's a right laugh.
122
00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:51,000
Oh, I've shared my wife's fanny
with my brother.
123
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:54,080
Oh! We spent a night in a Travelodge
for the United away game
124
00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:55,640
and he got funny about sharing
my toothbrush.
125
00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:57,440
I mean, what the fuck was
that about?
126
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,200
Doesn't make any sense!
127
00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:02,480
I just had no idea.
128
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:03,720
No idea.
129
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:06,480
No inkling, no sniff, no whiff.
130
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,400
Did you? I didn't either.
131
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,240
For all we know, he could've just
been pissed one night,
132
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:13,320
just bent her over the
clothes horse in the utility room
133
00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:15,280
and she's made it out like it's
The fucking Notebook.
134
00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:18,600
I spent the whole of last night
adapting that glove box
135
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:21,320
so it's got a little retractable
perch that comes out,
136
00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:23,240
so he could just sit
there next to me.
137
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:25,040
I'd have a bit of company.
138
00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:26,840
16 quid that bit of doweling
cost me.
139
00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:29,520
16 quid, because you've got to
buy it by the metre.
140
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:32,280
Oh. That's the world that
we're living in now, innit?
141
00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:34,000
It's like this bitch on the phone.
142
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:35,680
Who is she to judge?
143
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:37,520
What's she even saying?
No quality of life?
144
00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:38,880
The mean old whore.
145
00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:40,760
What, because he's blind
he's got no quality of life?
146
00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:42,720
What about Stevie Wonder?
He's blind.
147
00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:45,840
He's had an amazing life, he's
written incredible fucking songs,
148
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:47,480
he's travelled the world, mate!
149
00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:49,080
Who is she to judge?!
150
00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:51,440
Got a whole playlist here that
I've made for me and him.
151
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:53,320
Bangers after bangers, great tunes.
He loved this song.
152
00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:55,360
MUSIC: Love Roller Coaster
by The Ohio Players
153
00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:56,880
Er...
154
00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:59,200
You're on the wrong side of
the road.
155
00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:01,000
I know I am.
156
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,680
Oh, right.
157
00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:05,120
Sorry, can I just ask why?
158
00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:07,200
Why? Why?
159
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:08,960
Good question, that.
160
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,280
Why is that little crow born blind?
161
00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:13,840
Why is the receptionist in the
wildlife sanctuary
162
00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:15,600
such a fucking slag?!
163
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:17,360
Why is the world so cruel?
164
00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:19,080
Why, why, why anything?!
165
00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:21,760
# Roller coaster
166
00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:23,960
# Of love...
THEY SCREAM
167
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:26,760
# Roller coaster...
168
00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:28,360
I have a son!
169
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:29,720
So did I!
170
00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:31,840
No, but I have a real son!
171
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:33,320
So did I!
172
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:36,200
SCREAMING CONTINUES
173
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:38,240
THUD
174
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:42,160
# Roller coaster
Wow, wow, wow
175
00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:43,880
# Ooh, ooh, ooh
176
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,480
# Roller coaster...
177
00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:47,240
You hit a pheasant.
178
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:50,080
Ugh!
HORN TOOTS
179
00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:52,960
# Ooh, ooh, ooh... #
180
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,080
Why?! Why?!
181
00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:00,400
Oh, is he all right?
182
00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:02,360
Yes, we discharged him an hour ago.
183
00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:03,680
What? Where is he?
184
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:06,280
He's up there, trying to get
a Twix from a vending machine.
185
00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:09,480
Get out now!
186
00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:11,200
Do you want some Discos? No!
187
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,520
Does Suze want some Discos?
Get out now!
188
00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:15,520
All right, I'm just going to
get some Discos.
189
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:23,520
You don't think she's going to
kill herself?
190
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:25,040
Nic?
191
00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:27,520
No. No, she's far
too much of a narcissist.
192
00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:30,720
I mean, she'll end up doing
something stupid like getting pissed
193
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:32,520
and maxing out my...
194
00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:35,200
What, you're not calling her,
are you?
195
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:37,240
No, I'm going to cancel
my credit cards.
196
00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:42,000
Fuck's sake!
It's fine, I've got the Discos!
197
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,080
RELIEVED SIGH
198
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:05,120
SHE BREATHES DEEPLY
199
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,120
OK, OK.
200
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:15,680
Declined.
201
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:19,600
Gah! Please, can you just try
one more time?
202
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,160
No.
203
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:22,720
Why?
204
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:24,160
Just no.
205
00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:33,080
Oh, come on, Dan, pick up the phone.
206
00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:35,080
VOICEMAIL: Hi, this used to be
Nic and Dan,
207
00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:37,840
but now it's just Dan,
as Nic shagged my brother
208
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,720
and abandoned our son...
You get it, don't you?
209
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:41,240
Nic! Can someone tell me where Nic
is, please?!
210
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:42,960
Nobody here seems to have a sense
of humour. Nic!
211
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,640
Where is she, where is she?
If I know...
212
00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:46,000
Oh, God.
213
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:47,640
Has anyone seen Nic?
214
00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:52,720
SNIFFS AND GASPS
215
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,320
DOOR RATTLES
Mum, I know you're in there.
216
00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,120
Please don't do anything stupid.
217
00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:04,760
How did you know I was in here?
218
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:07,240
I walked past the cloakroom earlier
and I heard a fart.
219
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,720
Dammit!
220
00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,040
Ollie...
221
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:21,440
..did you, erm...
222
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:22,840
..know about...
223
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:25,880
..Uncle Alex and me?
224
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:28,640
No.
225
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:31,800
Don't lie to me, mate.
226
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:35,960
OK, yeah.
SHE SIGHS
227
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:45,240
Do we think this is one of
those things where...
228
00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:49,560
..like, I've emotionally damaged
you forever
229
00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:51,800
and you're going to end up
in Alcatraz?
230
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:55,600
No.
231
00:10:57,000 --> 00:11:00,800
I don't think it's anything a couple
of therapy sessions won't fix.
232
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,440
And Alcatraz is shut down, so.
233
00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:06,400
Thank God.
234
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:11,120
Please don't do anything stupid.
235
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:12,760
I need you.
236
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:15,400
Oh, my darling, I promise I won't.
237
00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:19,480
Do you still love me?
238
00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:20,880
Oh!
239
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:22,920
Oh, my God, Ollie.
240
00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:26,200
You don't ever,
ever have to question that.
241
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:28,120
Never!
242
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:30,240
What if I did something really bad?
243
00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:31,680
Even then.
244
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:34,680
You don't even know what it is yet.
245
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:38,840
I think I already know.
246
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:45,800
How?
247
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:48,880
Because mums know everything.
248
00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:59,520
You killed Mr Miaowgi on purpose,
didn't you?
249
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,280
CLATTERING
250
00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:07,760
Were you going to run away with him?
251
00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:11,320
And leave me behind?
252
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:12,840
Oh, God.
253
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,480
Yeah. Sons know everything too.
254
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:24,600
I promise you,
I'm not going anywhere.
255
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:29,360
Isn't that what Ben Affleck said to
J.Lo before he dumped her?
256
00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:31,520
Yeah, but I actually mean it.
257
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:40,120
Is there anything that you're
really worried about
258
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:42,240
that you want to tell me out loud?
259
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:44,800
Anything?
260
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:48,280
My biggest worry...
261
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:53,640
..is that Dad's going to get his
roller skates out again.
262
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,960
He always does that
when he's in a crisis.
263
00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:00,040
Yeah, I mean,
that's not what I meant,
264
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:05,120
but I understand why
that would be a big concern.
265
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:08,040
DISTANT VOICE: What's going on?!
Everyone's looking for you.
266
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:09,640
Oh, God.
267
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:12,760
Ugh.
268
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:16,480
Do you think that you could
possibly...?
269
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:19,440
Go downstairs and fake a seizure
to distract everyone?
270
00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:22,320
Oh, God, you really do take
after me.
271
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,440
I love you.
272
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,080
Ollie?
273
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,320
THUD AND PEOPLE GASP
274
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:37,080
Oh, my God!
Someone call an ambulance!
275
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:40,080
DAN: Nic, if you're listening,
you've ruined our son's life.
276
00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:44,600
You just threw your phone
on the floor.
277
00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:47,560
I know.
278
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:50,320
That's a bit silly. Silly goose.
279
00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:52,240
No luck with your friend, no?
280
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:55,520
No. Sometimes that's just the way
things go.
281
00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:00,560
I know. I know what it's like to
have no dough.
282
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:02,600
I'm sorry,
are you rhyming on purpose?
283
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:06,480
Yeah, just felt like the
right thing to do.
284
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:08,040
To go with the flow.
285
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,040
Where will you go?
286
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:14,520
I don't know.
287
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,080
You're not going to get raped,
are you?
288
00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:19,440
Are yo...? That doesn't work.
289
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,440
And, no, I'm not usually their type.
290
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,200
Fuck it. You can have room 301.
291
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,080
Oh, my God, are you serious?
292
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:30,080
Yeah, you remind me of my mum,
and that's not a compliment.
293
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,120
Oh! Thank you so much.
294
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:35,720
A business guy used it for an hour
to do a Zoom, you know?
295
00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:38,360
Paid for the night
but checked out this afternoon.
296
00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:39,800
He's not going to come back, no?
297
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:42,360
No, he might have had a wank
in there...
298
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:44,120
..but he's not coming back.
Thank you.
299
00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:46,040
Nah, no worries. Asher.
300
00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:47,800
Amazing. Oh, my God.
301
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:49,720
Sorry, it's 30...? 301.
302
00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:52,080
Literally just go in that
lift right there.
303
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,200
This one? It's that lift.
Third floor?
304
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:56,200
Yeah, because it starts with three,
so...
305
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,120
Tell me, are we rolling?
306
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,560
Hi, I'm Jo Ellen Goldstein,
307
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:08,280
reporting from Alcatraz
penitentiary,
308
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:12,720
home to Ollie Harris, the most
notorious convicted serial killer.
309
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:16,000
His murder spree started with the
cold-blooded killing
310
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:19,200
of well-loved public figure
Mr Miaowgi.
311
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:22,160
The world was outraged
and appalled
312
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:25,000
to hear of Mr Miaowgi's
gruesome murder,
313
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,800
but rejoiced today when the judge
sentenced him
314
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:31,440
to 999 consecutive life sentences.
315
00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:33,880
Do you think that
justice has been served?
316
00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:36,320
Oh, many times over.
317
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,520
He got coming what he deserves.
318
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:41,320
The judge's ruling broke
a world record,
319
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:44,240
topping the chart for any
serial killer ever.
320
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:48,000
On behalf of the
World Record Federation,
321
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:52,120
we congratulate you on being
the world's best serial killer.
322
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:56,400
Do you have any last words, Ollie?
323
00:15:57,480 --> 00:16:01,240
Yeah. I want to dedicate this
to my momma.
324
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:03,400
She done taught me everything
I know.
325
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:06,800
Hey, Momma!
326
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,080
You dropped your room key.
327
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:13,640
Ah, Gods.
328
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,080
White women always look like they're
running through wheat.
329
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:22,360
Oh, God. Oh, God.
330
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:40,600
CAT MEOWS
331
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,040
Go away!
332
00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:45,520
He's opening my 1981 claret.
333
00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:49,200
I won that in a tombola.
334
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:52,600
GATE SQUEAKS AND CAT MEOWS
335
00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:56,720
Miaowgi, in! In!
336
00:16:58,200 --> 00:16:59,840
Oh, Mum!
337
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:01,760
What are you doing out here?
Getting the...
338
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,040
Well, I was getting the cat in.
339
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:07,960
What are you doing out here?
340
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,840
I was just...
341
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:13,080
..you know, checking the suspension.
342
00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:14,960
Seems all right, I mean...
343
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,720
You've got nowhere to go, have you?
344
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,280
No. No.
345
00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:25,360
Well, I'm staying with you.
346
00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:27,120
Oh, don't be stupid, lad.
347
00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:28,560
No, I'm staying with you. No!
348
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,320
You need to go back inside,
it's freezing.
349
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,360
HE SOBS
350
00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:34,200
Oh, my God.
351
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:36,440
Oh, my love.
352
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:38,320
Honey...
353
00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:41,320
..what is it?
It's just so upsetting.
354
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:44,040
What is? Seeing you like this.
355
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,000
I mean, pretending you know stuff
like cars.
356
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,400
You know nothing about cars!
I do know a lot about cars!
357
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,160
That's the...wheel.
358
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:51,880
That's the...front bit.
359
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,240
Licence plate there.
360
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,480
Right.
361
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:59,080
You know, just please don't lie,
you're breaking my heart.
362
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:01,480
Oh, my love, I'm fine, I promise.
363
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,920
You've been going through the bins,
haven't you? What?!
364
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:06,240
No, I haven't! I can smell it
on you, don't lie!
365
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:08,680
I don't smell! Yes, you do!
366
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:10,760
Do I? It's awful.
367
00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:14,920
It's got so bad you can't
even smell yourself.
368
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:17,240
You're like that old lady in town.
369
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:18,840
You know, the weird, bearded one
370
00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:21,720
that pushes that
marrow around in the pram.
371
00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:24,800
I am not weirdy beardy
marrow baby lady!
372
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:28,000
It's where you're going to be
living, in the NCP multistorey,
373
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,360
hissing at cars as they go by.
374
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:33,240
Oh, my God, this is awful.
375
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:36,200
I'm fine. I'm fine, promise.
376
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,640
DOOR OPENS
DAN: What are you doing?
377
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:40,160
It's freezing.
378
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,920
Sorry? What you doing?
379
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,760
Er, checking the suspension.
380
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:49,520
Have you been crying?
381
00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:52,080
No. Is it about Mum?
382
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:54,120
No. You sure?
383
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:55,800
Yes. I...yeah.
384
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:59,480
OK. Well, do you want to get inside?
Right.
385
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,520
SHE MOUTHS
386
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:05,800
Do you want to watch a
tractor fail compilation?
387
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:07,320
Sure. All right. Yeah.
388
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:09,360
All right.
DOOR CLOSES
389
00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:13,400
You'll get piles if you sit out
there for too long.
390
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:19,480
Not that that's a problem for you,
is it?
391
00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:21,560
Because you're just a big,
walking haemorrhoid,
392
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:23,200
pain in everyone's arse.
393
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:27,760
Well, go on, then,
twist the narrative.
394
00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:29,800
SHE SIGHS
395
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:32,600
I loved him.
396
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:36,160
I highly doubt that.
397
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:39,320
I think...I think you're incapable
of loving anyone
398
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,480
apart from yourself, Nic.
399
00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:43,200
Or Jason Orange.
400
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:47,480
I think I already knew about it all,
to be honest.
401
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:49,400
I'd had dreams about you both.
402
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:53,000
So my subconscious was obviously
trying to tell me something.
403
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,520
But then I'd wake up and think,
"Well, that's my wife, that's...
404
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,120
"..that's my...that's my brother,
405
00:19:57,120 --> 00:20:00,480
"they couldn't possibly be that
f...king sick, could they?"
406
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,560
But, fuck me, that's the thing
about you, Nic,
407
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:04,440
you prove me wrong time and time
again, don't you?
408
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:08,920
I'd never do that to you, Nic.
409
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:10,600
I'd never cheat on you.
410
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,360
Not in a million years,
411
00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:14,240
let alone with a family member.
412
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:22,040
You know he didn't love you,
don't you?
413
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,120
Yeah.
414
00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:25,720
I know.
415
00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:27,080
I mean, he'd even say to me,
416
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:29,080
"Do you know what? I don't know how
you put up with her.
417
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,320
"At least tell me she gives you a
good blowjob." And I'd say,
418
00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:33,400
"No, it's like a fucking...
It's like a koi carp,
419
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,040
"just, like..."
420
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:36,720
Coming up for air,
like gummy carp.
421
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,240
And that coat looks fucking stupid.
422
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:43,000
You know, you like that
racing pundit who picks his nose
423
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,640
and eats his own bogeys.
424
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:47,480
John McCririck?
Yeah, you look like him.
425
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:49,640
And you pick your nose and
you eat your bogeys.
426
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:51,400
And don't think for a minute that
you the only one
427
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:53,240
who wasn't emotionally there when we
were having sex.
428
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:55,160
Sometimes I'd have to take
a picture of Melinda Messenger
429
00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:57,440
and stick it to the back of your
head just to get through the ordeal.
430
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,560
And that is saying something,
because I once knocked one off
431
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:01,400
to the girl bunny in Space Jam.
432
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,480
Are you done?
No, no, I'm not done.
433
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:04,920
You're not funny.
434
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:07,280
You think you're funny because you
surround yourself
435
00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:10,400
with boring women who watch
Loose Women
436
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,560
and laugh at a period
or Carol McGuffin.
437
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:14,880
SHE CHUCKLES
What? What's funny?
438
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:17,320
No, nothing. What?
439
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:19,760
It's Carol McGiffin. McGiffin.
440
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:21,120
OK.
441
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:23,720
Fuck.
442
00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:26,520
Is that it? Is that everything?
I mean, I've got some stuff
443
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:28,200
on the massive chasm between
your tits
444
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:30,080
but it's cold and I can't
be bothered.
445
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:33,560
Look, I want you to know
how sorry I am.
446
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:37,440
I really am.
You don't believe me, do you?
447
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:38,800
No.
448
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:41,240
Can I stay on the sofa?
449
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:43,880
Absolutely not.
450
00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:48,160
What if I get piles?
Then I suggest you buy some Anusol.
451
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:58,200
SUZIE: Alex really was so loved.
Oh, Jesus.
452
00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:00,440
What have I done?
453
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:04,400
Nic, why don't you come up here
and share something?
454
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:05,960
Come on, Nic!
455
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:07,400
Er, sorry.
456
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:10,200
Erm...
457
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:12,440
Maybe I should...? She's fine.
458
00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:13,880
Oh, God.
459
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:18,200
OK, she's not fine.
Go, go, go, go, go.
460
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,320
OK, everybody!
461
00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:22,320
All right, all right. OK.
462
00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:24,320
Who else is sick of old people?
463
00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:26,120
What do they even do?
464
00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:30,320
All they do, they drain
the NHS of their resources,
465
00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:33,320
or buy things out of catalogues.
PHONE RINGS
466
00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:35,960
No? No? No, no, no.
467
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:37,600
Old people are really good...
468
00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:40,280
VIDEO RECORDING: The one thing
I'm lacking in my life,
469
00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:43,280
intense kind of passion.
470
00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:47,440
And it's like as if your nerves
are exposed on your skin.
471
00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:50,040
I've never had that with anyone.
Then you've missed out!
472
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:51,800
Jen? Fuck.
473
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:54,080
Harry! RECORDING: I've had that
level of...
474
00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:55,840
Move, move, move! Give me that!
475
00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:58,160
Jen! God, I'm trying to stop it but
it's not stopping!
476
00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:01,160
RECORDING: A guy called Alex.
I mean, it was an affair
477
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:06,400
that was going on, I mean, for,
like, years and years and years...
478
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:09,480
While you were with Dan?
479
00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:13,880
Oh, Jen!
480
00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:16,840
What was she thinking?!
481
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:24,640
DAN: Jen! Jen!
482
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:28,640
Jen! Oh, my God. Where is she?
Is she in there? Is anyone in there?
483
00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:30,160
No, she's not.
484
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:33,880
Fuck!
485
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:35,800
Jen! Jen!
486
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:37,840
He's gone now.
DOOR UNLOCKS
487
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:41,840
SHE SIGHS
488
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:44,520
I... Harry had my phone.
489
00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:47,640
And he must have put it up there...
Why were you recording my mum?
490
00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:49,200
Er...
491
00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:51,840
It was an accident.
492
00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:53,120
How?
493
00:23:53,120 --> 00:23:55,200
How what? How was it an accident?
494
00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:59,280
Look, Ollie, I'm...
495
00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:01,680
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
496
00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:03,960
This must be horrible for you,
497
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:06,160
and I never meant
anything like that to happen.
498
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:08,800
How? I just... I was...
499
00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:11,280
..putting my phone away in
my pocket and I...
500
00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:13,440
But it wasn't in your pocket,
was it?
501
00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:15,440
No, it was angled perfectly
502
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:17,360
so that everyone could see
and hear everything.
503
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:24,000
THUMPING AT DOOR
504
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:29,520
Ahem.
505
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:39,240
HARRY: Who is it, Mum?
506
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:40,760
Is it Hagrid?
507
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:44,240
Oh, it is Hagrid.
508
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,320
No.
509
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:49,000
I'm so sorry, Nic.
510
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:51,440
I just don't understand.
511
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:53,360
Why? Did you do it to hurt me?
512
00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:55,680
No! No, no, I would never...
513
00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:58,880
Look, the only reason I recorded
you in the first place
514
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:02,680
was because I just... I wanted you
to hear what I was hearing.
515
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:04,720
That doesn't make sense!
I know, I know.
516
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:07,840
I can explain, I... No.
517
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:09,800
I'm going to be
really upfront with you here,
518
00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:12,320
because the problem I have...
519
00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:14,040
..is that I don't think I'm
going to like
520
00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:16,320
what I'm going to hear from you
right now,
521
00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:19,240
and whether it's going to be so
unforgivable
522
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:22,000
that I'm never going to want to
talk to you ever again.
523
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:25,920
And I need you right now,
524
00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:27,880
because I've got nowhere
else to stay.
525
00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:32,240
So, I just need you...
526
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:36,240
Understood? Mm.
527
00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:38,280
TV PLAYING
528
00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:41,520
Is that Real Housewives Of New York?
529
00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:45,760
Yeah. The one where Luann is
high as a kite
530
00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:48,200
and keeps escaping the police car?
Mm.
531
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:50,320
And keeps telling them that they
can't arrest her
532
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:53,240
because she's a countess
and she lives in the Hamptons.
533
00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:55,200
That's all I want to watch
right now.
534
00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:58,680
No jibber jabber. Mm-hm.
535
00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:00,320
Are you sure...? Yes, I'm sure!
536
00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:04,880
Yeah.
537
00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:13,200
TV: Do not touch me!
538
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:15,520
Do not... Do not...
539
00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:17,520
I-I just...
540
00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:20,120
..want to be able to get
into my car,
541
00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:22,360
drive home for...
542
00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:27,440
Do you know who I am?
543
00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:29,640
But can I just...? Sh!
544
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:31,400
It's about...
545
00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:33,320
It's about this?! Fine.
546
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:38,480
I just think it's
worth remembering that...
547
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:42,320
..money can't buy you class.
548
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:48,240
Money can't buy you class. Exactly.
549
00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:50,360
TV CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY
550
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:55,400
TV: I said, I am not...
551
00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:59,440
ALARM BLARES
552
00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:02,400
Help!
553
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,600
Oh, my God! Keep walking.
I told you not to look!
554
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:10,640
SIRENS WAIL
555
00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:12,480
Did you see what she did?
556
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:17,600
Isn't that murder?
557
00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:28,000
I think we both have to promise
each other now
558
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:29,800
that we're never going to talk about
this ever again.
559
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:34,000
VOICEMAIL: Hang on a second,
I can't quite hear you.
560
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:36,240
Before you say anything, let me
tell you a joke. Knock-knock...
561
00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:38,320
Who's there?
Not me, leave a message.
562
00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:39,720
Wanker.
563
00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:42,640
Call me as soon as you get this,
and change your fucking answerphone!
564
00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:47,000
# Money can't buy you class
565
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:51,000
# Money can't buy you class
566
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:55,000
# Elegance is learned, my friends
567
00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:57,200
# Elegance is learned
568
00:27:57,200 --> 00:27:58,720
# Oh, yeah
569
00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:02,400
# Money can't buy you class
570
00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:06,360
# Money can't buy you class
571
00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:09,560
# Elegance is learned, my friends
572
00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:11,160
# Money can't buy you class. #
573
00:28:11,210 --> 00:28:15,760
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