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1
00:00:02,711 --> 00:00:04,421
[ Janine clears throat ]
2
00:00:04,421 --> 00:00:07,132
Hey, what are you doing
here on Christmas break?
3
00:00:07,132 --> 00:00:09,676
Uh, funny,
I could ask you the same thing.
4
00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:11,261
Ah, you're
out of toilet paper.
5
00:00:11,261 --> 00:00:13,805
Yeah,
I'm out of toilet paper.
6
00:00:13,805 --> 00:00:17,392
What are you doing here?
7
00:00:17,392 --> 00:00:20,312
I-I just came to get the milk
before it expired,
8
00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:22,439
so if anything, I'm helping.
9
00:00:22,439 --> 00:00:24,858
Gerald loves his milk.
10
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:27,486
Thank you.
11
00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:30,072
Oh. Wh-Wha--
12
00:00:31,949 --> 00:00:33,951
What?
Did you actually think
13
00:00:33,951 --> 00:00:36,745
I was gonna buy another tree?
[ Chuckles ]
14
00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:39,164
Um, okay. Well, since
we're all gathered here,
15
00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:41,083
I'd love to take
this opportunity
16
00:00:41,083 --> 00:00:42,834
to formally invite you
to my house for Christmas Eve.
17
00:00:42,834 --> 00:00:45,254
There'll be cookies
and toilet paper, so...
18
00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:47,464
Yeah, sorry, kiddo.
Can't do it.
19
00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:49,591
Barb and I already
have dinner plans.
20
00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:51,176
Yeah, and I've already been
to one of your parties.
21
00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:53,512
I think once
is enough, right?
22
00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:55,222
Okay, well, I guess that means
it'll just be me and Gregory.
23
00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:56,682
As it should be.
24
00:00:56,682 --> 00:00:58,141
Good morning, everyone.
25
00:00:58,141 --> 00:00:59,810
And what are you
here to steal?
26
00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:04,356
- These.
- Oh, yeah.
27
00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:06,024
I forgot
that we had no school today.
28
00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:07,859
I saw Melissa leave,
and I thought I was late.
29
00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:10,195
I mean, she leaves her place
without me all the time.
30
00:01:10,195 --> 00:01:12,906
There she goes. Melissa!
Melissa, wait for me!
31
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:15,534
[ Maker's "Hold'em" playing ]
32
00:01:15,534 --> 00:01:23,333
♪
33
00:01:25,961 --> 00:01:28,588
Okay. Ugh, no!
34
00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:30,132
Jacob, I said
julienne the carrots.
35
00:01:30,132 --> 00:01:32,509
Yeah, dude, like this.
36
00:01:32,509 --> 00:01:34,386
No, not like that.
They were julienned--
37
00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:37,014
Ugh.
38
00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:38,473
You guys, this dinner
has to be perfect.
39
00:01:38,473 --> 00:01:39,766
No, right, I get it.
40
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:41,143
It-- It's special
because it's your family.
41
00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:43,145
Nah, I don't
care about them.
42
00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:45,147
They took me out of rotation
for hosting Christmas Eve dinner
43
00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:46,773
'cause I'm not
married anymore,
44
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:48,525
so I gotta prove to 'em
I don't need a husband.
45
00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:51,570
Baby girl, you don't need
to prove anything to anybody.
46
00:01:51,570 --> 00:01:52,988
No, dummy, I do.
47
00:01:52,988 --> 00:01:54,781
My family's gonna
show up here,
48
00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:56,575
and they're gonna look
for any reason
49
00:01:56,575 --> 00:01:58,535
to pick apart my food
and say it's skivose.
50
00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:00,120
[ Doorbell rings ]
51
00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:05,334
Oh.
Jeez, are we early?
52
00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:06,626
Why aren't you
dressed yet?
53
00:02:06,626 --> 00:02:08,503
It's nice to see you,
too, sis.
54
00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:10,005
Dom.
55
00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:14,259
Whoa. Okay.
56
00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:15,886
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
57
00:02:15,886 --> 00:02:17,554
So-- So these
are overcooked.
58
00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:19,598
Right, but the last batch
was undercooked.
59
00:02:19,598 --> 00:02:21,016
I'm still experimenting
with the timing.
60
00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:23,226
It's good
to have options.
61
00:02:23,226 --> 00:02:24,644
You know what?
I don't even like cookies,
62
00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:26,104
so this is great.
63
00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:28,065
Okay. Look, so,
I know your vote
64
00:02:28,065 --> 00:02:30,359
was to watch "Muppets
Christmas Carol" first.
65
00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:32,361
Mm-hmm.
And my vote
was to watch "Elf" first.
66
00:02:32,361 --> 00:02:34,696
I was thinking the perfect
middle ground might be
67
00:02:34,696 --> 00:02:37,282
Tim Allen's "The Santa Clause."
Tim Allen's "The Santa Clause."
68
00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:39,618
Okay.
69
00:02:39,618 --> 00:02:43,038
Janine: I only made cookies
in case anyone shows up.
70
00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:46,249
I'm actually very excited
it's just me and Gregory.
71
00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:49,169
First Christmas Eve together
is a big one, you know?
72
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:52,547
It's right up there
with first kiss or first fight
73
00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:55,258
or first time
farting in front of each other.
74
00:02:55,258 --> 00:02:58,220
Gregory's not there yet
on that one.
75
00:02:58,220 --> 00:03:01,473
So, I know we said we were gonna
do our gift exchange later,
76
00:03:01,473 --> 00:03:03,892
but I have one little surprise
that can't wait.
77
00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:05,352
It's not an Orioles jersey,
is it?
78
00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:07,729
Even better.
79
00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:10,315
[ Chuckles ]
80
00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:11,900
Yeah, I'm not wearing this.
81
00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:16,154
Okay.
82
00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:18,240
Honey, you trying something
different with your makeup?
83
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,617
You're so brave.
Thanks, Mom.
84
00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:22,911
I love visiting you, Mel.
Something about being around you
85
00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:24,746
really makes me feel
better about myself.
86
00:03:24,746 --> 00:03:27,249
And that's why I love
having you, Anthony.
87
00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:29,501
Marie, d-did this place
get smaller?
88
00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:32,087
I'm Melissa. And no, my place
did not magically shrink.
89
00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:34,131
Ah, I guess
you just got bigger then.
90
00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:36,258
[ Wheezing laugh ]
Teresa: Archie.
91
00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:38,051
What would she need
a bigger place for?
92
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:40,971
She lives with a roommate,
unmarried and alone.
93
00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:42,806
You're so insensitive.
Me?
94
00:03:42,806 --> 00:03:43,849
Yes.
What?
95
00:03:43,849 --> 00:03:44,975
[ Doorbell rings ]
96
00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:46,643
Melissa: Oh, thank God. Hi.
97
00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:49,563
Merry Christmas, Melissa.
Merry Christmas.
98
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,690
Ah, thanks for having us.
So glad you're here.
99
00:03:51,690 --> 00:03:53,984
Well, look, mm,
if it isn't my favorite chef.
100
00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:55,527
Well, excuse you.
101
00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:56,653
Oh, baby,
you're my favorite person.
102
00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:58,405
Okay, I forgive you.
103
00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:02,409
Uh, nobody told me this is one
of those progressive dinners.
104
00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:04,661
Do you want
to get strangled?
105
00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:07,164
Okay, no, I-I've been preparing
for this moment for years.
106
00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:08,540
Okay, okay, what do I do?
107
00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:10,667
No, you know what?
I'm just gonna take a nap
108
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,419
here on your
god-awful couch.
109
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,671
Okay, good idea, but,
Uncle Archie, take it upstairs.
110
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:15,881
What?
Move it upstairs,
111
00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:18,592
away from people.
Ah...
112
00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:20,177
I'm so sorry.
113
00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:21,845
Oh, honey, that's alright.
114
00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:24,723
We have grace for people who
are about to meet their maker.
115
00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:26,850
Or the other guy.
116
00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:29,728
So that was Uncle Racist,
I mean Archie.
117
00:04:29,728 --> 00:04:31,730
Uh, that's Kristin Marie,
Dom, Marie,
118
00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:34,024
Mark, Mary, Matthew,
Maria Christina,
119
00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:36,610
Craig, Girl Toni--
Boy Tony's still in prison,
120
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,695
but there's a card for him
if you want to sign it--
121
00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:40,322
uh, Larry, Anthony, Seamus,
122
00:04:40,322 --> 00:04:41,740
there's about 30 kids
in the basement,
123
00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:44,284
and how could we forget
the wonderful matriarch,
124
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:46,620
Mrs. Teresa Schemmenti.
My mom.
125
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,455
Oh.
You forgot Nancy.
126
00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:50,916
Uh, no, there's--
There's nobody here named Nancy.
127
00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:52,792
I was talking about you
and your boyfriend.
128
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:54,211
Melissa: Come on.
Okay, normally
129
00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:56,421
I respect my elders,
but this guy is this close.
130
00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:58,715
Okay. Go. Go, you jabroni.
Teresa: Get upstairs.
131
00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:00,842
[ Announcer speaking
indistinctly on TV ]
132
00:05:00,842 --> 00:05:04,221
Do we have to watch
basketball?
133
00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:05,806
If I'm wearing this,
we're watching that.
134
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,641
Oh, you look so cute!
135
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,100
[ Knock on door ]
136
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:10,936
Wonder who that could be.
[ Clears throat ]
137
00:05:10,936 --> 00:05:12,854
Maybe Santa came early.
138
00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:16,107
Ah, kind of right.
Hi, Mr. Johnson.
139
00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:17,651
Are you here
for our little get-together?
140
00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:20,612
Of course not. I know
an empty offer when I hear one.
141
00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:22,197
I'm here to drop off
tidings of comfort
142
00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:24,449
for you
and your big-ass feet.
143
00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:26,952
And tidings of joy
for you.
144
00:05:26,952 --> 00:05:29,913
"How to Have a Personality."
How thoughtful.
145
00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:32,999
Merry Christmas, people.
I'm off to the North Pole.
146
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:33,959
Ugh.
Yeah, have fun.
147
00:05:33,959 --> 00:05:35,919
Ah, Ava! It's Ava.
148
00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:39,214
Oh, hey! Ava here with us
on Christmas Eve.
149
00:05:39,214 --> 00:05:41,383
Merry.
Yes! What are you doing here?
150
00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:42,634
I thought you said
you couldn't make it.
151
00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:44,094
I'm unpredictable.
152
00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:46,179
That's what people love
about me.
153
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,639
And it's a good thing
I did come,
154
00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:49,641
'cause it's bleak as hell
in here.
155
00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:51,852
Oh, going with a Charlie Brown
theme this year?
156
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:53,478
Well, I think his tree
had more branches,
157
00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:55,146
but least you got
your own Franklin.
158
00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:56,815
[ Laughs ]
159
00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,567
Oh, Janine, where you get
these decorations,
160
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,652
the dollar store?
[ Laughs ]
161
00:06:00,652 --> 00:06:02,654
So, actually, there's this new
board game called Imprisonment.
162
00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:04,781
And on a micro level,
it's about escaping prison.
163
00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:06,658
But on a macro level--
Why don't you go grab it
164
00:06:06,658 --> 00:06:08,660
and show me,
and I'll be right here?
165
00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:09,953
Oh. Yeah.
166
00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:14,874
What happened with you
and the firefighter?
167
00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:17,711
He was a firefighter.
He fights fires.
168
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,588
Yeah, but, Mom,
we're just dating, you know?
169
00:06:19,588 --> 00:06:21,256
He's not
Christmas level yet.
170
00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:23,967
Oh, you want to be
lonely on Christmas.
171
00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:26,261
Makes for great sad songs.
172
00:06:26,261 --> 00:06:28,722
Oh, God.
I love sad Christmas songs.
173
00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:29,723
You know,
someone's got to inspire them.
174
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:31,641
Why not Mel?
175
00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:33,435
Oh, yeah? I'm sad?
176
00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:34,936
You're drunk,
and it's not even dinner.
177
00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:37,814
Okay, I'm not drunk.
I have Bell's palsy.
178
00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:39,691
Okay, well, how you explain the
other side of your face, then?
179
00:06:39,691 --> 00:06:41,693
Oh! Come on.
Oh. Oh.
180
00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:50,118
Sorry.
181
00:07:00,712 --> 00:07:02,964
No, no, no, no, no.
182
00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:04,966
Breathe, you bigot, breathe.
183
00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:06,676
Oh.
184
00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:08,428
Hello. Uh,
185
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:10,722
non-responsive old person. Over.
186
00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:13,058
How does this even work?
187
00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:14,726
Oh, bro, word of warning,
188
00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:17,270
don't say anything even lukewarm
about "Rocky" to these people.
189
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,773
Caleb, I think Melissa's
uncle is dead.
190
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:22,150
You know CPR, don't you?
What? No.
191
00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:23,818
What do you mean? You're--
You're a personal trainer.
192
00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:26,363
You don't know CPR?
I'm a TikTok trainer.
193
00:07:26,363 --> 00:07:28,198
You're a teacher.
Don't you know CPR?
194
00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:30,283
I was very distracted
during my CPR class, okay?
195
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,951
And I'm terrible in a crisis.
196
00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:33,453
Okay.
197
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,207
Bro, he's super dead.
198
00:07:40,168 --> 00:07:41,586
Melissa, can I talk to you
real quick?
199
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:43,129
Yeah.
200
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:44,422
I'm making pesto.
What do you need?
201
00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:46,216
Oh, um--
202
00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:49,469
Your, um--
203
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:52,013
What? Spit it out.
Open your mouth.
204
00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:53,932
What do you think?
205
00:07:53,932 --> 00:07:56,226
Fire.
Your uncle is dead.
206
00:07:56,226 --> 00:07:58,728
[ Chuckles ] What are you trying
to tell me, Jacob?
207
00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:00,689
He's sleeping with a fish?
208
00:08:00,689 --> 00:08:02,190
Nah, he's-- he's stunad.
209
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:03,817
He sleeps heavy.
He's got that apnea.
210
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,527
Uh, I checked his pulse.
211
00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:08,238
That man is definitely un-alived
on top of the coats.
212
00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:14,661
No. No way.
213
00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:15,787
No way.
214
00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:17,414
I will call 911.
215
00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:20,375
You go talk to the family.
216
00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:22,961
Yeah, not so fast,
there, buddy.
217
00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:26,506
If he's dead, he's not gonna
be any deader after dinner.
218
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,633
Melissa!
Okay, listen to me, Jacob.
219
00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:31,010
I've been working on this dinner
for two weeks.
220
00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:33,304
If we tell everybody,
it all goes to hell.
221
00:08:33,304 --> 00:08:35,849
Right along
with Uncle Archie.
222
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:38,268
Mmm, flames.
Plus, they're gonna blame me.
223
00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:40,228
How?
What? You've seen my family.
224
00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:41,312
They'll find a way.
225
00:08:41,312 --> 00:08:42,981
Anthony:
Melissa, is dinner ready,
226
00:08:42,981 --> 00:08:45,817
or should I have yet another
frickin' cracker and cheese?
227
00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:47,318
Kristin Marie: Last year at
Cousin Annette's was beautiful.
228
00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:49,237
She always has dinner
out on time!
229
00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:51,239
Okay, so look,
in an hour and a half,
230
00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:54,159
we'll call 911, and we'll
tell them he's dead, okay?
231
00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:56,995
After dinner.
232
00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:58,872
Melissa, you need some help?
233
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:00,582
Barb.
What?
234
00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:02,667
Her uncle is dead upstairs,
235
00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:04,961
and she wants to wait to tell
everybody until after dinner.
236
00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:06,421
Please tell her
this is insane.
237
00:09:06,421 --> 00:09:07,922
Melissa, are you okay?
238
00:09:07,922 --> 00:09:09,674
Yeah, yeah.
Can you get me the "focacch"?
239
00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:11,593
Right over there.
240
00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:13,720
Okay.
241
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:15,930
Uh, look, she's good, I'm good.
It's her dinner.
242
00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:18,349
And, um,
a nap is a nice way to go.
243
00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:20,101
Gerald's very hungry.
Okay.
244
00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:22,312
There is a dead guy
in my bed.
245
00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:24,564
Jacob, please do not
make this all about you.
246
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:25,565
I mean.
247
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,609
Caleb: Ooh.
248
00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:31,362
Fuego. Fue-go.
249
00:09:31,362 --> 00:09:33,156
So, Ava,
I'm surprised you don't have
250
00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:35,033
any plans for Christmas Eve.
251
00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:37,577
You know, nothing with friends,
family, rappers?
252
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,954
Well, I've already been
by the home to see my grandma.
253
00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:41,831
She took down three candy canes,
254
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:44,125
unwrapped someone else's
present, and then fell asleep.
255
00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:46,127
My queen.
256
00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:48,546
I don't have
any other family here.
Ah.
257
00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:50,548
Gregory: So, I met Ava's dad
at the barbershop.
258
00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:53,593
I mind my own business, so
I haven't told Janine yet, but
259
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,678
decided it was information
I wasn't supposed to have.
260
00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:58,389
I tipped handsomely,
and I put it out of my head.
261
00:09:58,389 --> 00:10:00,600
Plus, all my friends
have kids now.
262
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,561
Do you know what it's like
to be around kids?
263
00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:05,396
Yes, we work at a school.
264
00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:06,898
So you get it.
How about we just watch
265
00:10:06,898 --> 00:10:08,316
a Christmas movie?
Yeah.
266
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:09,984
Gregory has somehow
never seen "The Santa Clause 2,"
267
00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:11,653
so we'll just
start with that.
268
00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:14,322
I've had enough Christmas cheer.
Let's throw on a horror movie.
269
00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:17,367
I'm thinking something
in the home invasion subgenre.
270
00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:18,868
Yeah, you know
a little something about that.
271
00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:22,247
[ Chuckles awkwardly ] The only
thing I want invading my home
272
00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:25,124
is Tim Allen as the jolly,
old, fat man, so...
273
00:10:25,124 --> 00:10:26,543
Horror movie it is.
274
00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:28,795
Just close your eyes
for one hour and 44 minutes.
275
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,421
That's probably the equivalent
of eight hours of sleep
276
00:10:30,421 --> 00:10:32,173
for somebody of your size, anyway.
277
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,969
Hey, yo, where you going?
278
00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,971
I'm grabbing my jacket.
I'm gonna smoke a cig.
279
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:39,430
Yeah, no, you don't
have to do that.
280
00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:41,558
Uh, Jacob will get it for you.
281
00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:44,561
Yeah, right. I got a pocket full
of Lifesavers up there.
282
00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:46,146
There's no way I'm losing
all my pineapple
283
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:48,148
to your live-in butler's
sticky fingers.
284
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,941
Ah, well, joke's on you.
I-I stopped eating those
285
00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:51,568
after I almost choked on one
in college
286
00:10:51,568 --> 00:10:53,653
but was saved by the tiny hole
in the center.
287
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,738
Talk about a lifesaver.
Yeah, and you don't
need your jacket.
288
00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:57,073
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, Kristin Marie,
289
00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:59,200
I got these new--
these smoking blankets.
290
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,368
Everybody's doing it now.
291
00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:02,036
Smoking blankets?
Yeah.
292
00:11:02,036 --> 00:11:03,997
Ooh. Classy. Nice.
Right?
293
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,916
Okay. Looks good on you.
294
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:08,084
Okay, that was close.
295
00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:09,836
And I just lost
my best throw.
296
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:11,170
It's gonna smell
like a VFW hall,
297
00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:12,630
but we're almost there.
298
00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:15,592
Dinner, and then we're
home free, okay? Be cool.
299
00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:17,051
[ People screaming on TV ]
300
00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:18,887
I need to use the bathroom,
but I don't want to miss
301
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:20,555
the dudes in animal masks
chopping people up.
[ Movie pauses ]
302
00:11:20,555 --> 00:11:22,140
Right.
[ Forced chuckle ]
303
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:29,188
This is not how I envisioned our
first Christmas Eve together.
304
00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,691
She's even more Ava
than usual.
305
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,067
Yeah.
Could you ask her to leave?
306
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,694
She'll take it better
coming from you.
307
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:37,071
Um...
308
00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:38,865
[ Sighs ]
309
00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:40,074
Alright, I'll talk to her.
310
00:11:40,074 --> 00:11:42,452
Thank you.
311
00:11:42,452 --> 00:11:44,037
Your hand soap is cheap!
312
00:11:46,331 --> 00:11:48,708
Hey, can I talk to you
for a second?
313
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,585
About how dumb you two look
in those footie pajamas?
314
00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:53,254
No, we're on the same page
there, but, um...
315
00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:56,341
Are you good?
Yeah, I'm great. Why?
316
00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:57,926
It's just that earlier
you said you didn't have
317
00:11:57,926 --> 00:12:00,053
any other family in Philly,
and...
318
00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:03,222
I met your dad.
319
00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:06,851
Where?
320
00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:09,103
The barbershop.
He was my barber.
321
00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:13,191
Okay.
322
00:12:13,191 --> 00:12:15,485
I mean, okay, I'm not trying
to get into your business,
323
00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:19,155
but I wanted to check in
'cause, you know...
324
00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:20,990
it's Christmas.
325
00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:22,909
Obviously,
it's not a good relationship.
326
00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:25,119
I don't speak to my dad.
327
00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:26,621
Wow, what a cool topic
for you to bring up
328
00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:28,248
on our first
Christmas Eve together.
329
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,832
I shoulda known
your ass couldn't be festive.
330
00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:33,503
Look, look, I'm sorry to bring
it up, I-I really am, I just--
331
00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:35,463
I just knew technically it
wasn't true, and sometimes--
332
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:37,590
I get it.
But besides him,
333
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:38,967
I really don't have
any other family.
334
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:41,844
So I'm here with my work family
or whatever.
335
00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:45,014
Oh, man, Ava,
I didn't know that you--
336
00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:47,642
Shut up. And don't say
anything to Jeanine,
337
00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:49,102
because that elf-size
elf would try
338
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,770
to perform
some Christmas miracle
339
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,522
and reunite me with that man.
340
00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:53,815
And I don't need pity from her
341
00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:57,068
or you,
a man without a regular barber.
342
00:12:57,068 --> 00:12:59,070
My guy was out of town.
Yeah, okay.
343
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:03,825
[ Sighs ] So how'd she take it?
I mean,
344
00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:05,284
she probably has somewhere
better to be anyway, right?
345
00:13:05,284 --> 00:13:08,788
I mean, well, look,
I-I technically
346
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,248
didn't ask her to leave.
347
00:13:10,248 --> 00:13:11,958
What? Why?
348
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,001
It's Christmas, you know?
349
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:16,796
Yes, and she is ruining ours.
350
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:20,174
I think we should just
let her stay.
351
00:13:20,174 --> 00:13:23,553
What are you
not telling me?
352
00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:25,847
I can't tell you.
What?
353
00:13:25,847 --> 00:13:27,890
I told Ava I wouldn't say.
354
00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:31,269
Oh, so you and Ava
are keeping secrets now?
355
00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:35,857
Janine, why we watching
a wack-ass fire?
356
00:13:35,857 --> 00:13:37,316
And where's the remote?
357
00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:41,612
I found it.
358
00:13:44,699 --> 00:13:47,702
Delicious. Mmm.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
359
00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:50,288
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Seamus,
where you going, man?
360
00:13:50,288 --> 00:13:52,540
"Seamuson's" gotta make
more room for Jameson.
361
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:55,460
Ha, ha. Okay. How about
downstairs bathroom, man?
362
00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:57,295
You can't use upstairs.
Jacob cracked the bowl.
363
00:13:57,295 --> 00:13:59,047
I don't even want
to tell you how.
364
00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:00,882
I'm surprised
you pulled this off.
365
00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:03,176
I guess I didn't need to defrost
the frutti di mare
366
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:06,054
I had at home as
a backup dinner for me and Dom.
Ah.
367
00:14:06,054 --> 00:14:08,139
You know, if this were just
a little less mooshad--
368
00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:10,058
Yeah, a little mushy.
Yeah.
369
00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:13,686
This could have almost passed
for Nona's rollatini.
370
00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:16,731
[ Indistinct conversations ]
371
00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:22,945
Well, there you have it,
Melissa.
372
00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:24,822
An undeniable success. So...
373
00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:26,574
Did you hear
what my mother said?
374
00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:28,659
Jacob, she said it was
almost as good as Nona's.
375
00:14:28,659 --> 00:14:30,828
She's never given me
a compliment that good.
376
00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:33,498
I don't know no Nona,
but I gotta agree.
377
00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:35,583
Okay, I-I think it might be time
to call 911.
378
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:37,085
Oh.
379
00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:38,211
Melissa, Gerald
would like to know
380
00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:39,921
when will dessert be served.
381
00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:43,132
Jacob, listen. This dinner
won't be a complete success
382
00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:45,676
until everyone has schkarfed
down the last bite of cannoli
383
00:14:45,676 --> 00:14:47,553
and cried their eyes out
384
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:51,516
over how delicately each shell
compliments the ricot.
385
00:14:51,516 --> 00:14:55,645
I just want everyone to be so,
so full and happy
386
00:14:55,645 --> 00:14:57,772
that when they're looking
in the bathroom mirror
387
00:14:57,772 --> 00:14:59,148
and gulping down Brioschi,
388
00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:01,109
they're thinking,
"You know what?
389
00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:03,277
Melissa really is
the best of us.
390
00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:06,364
And I'm just a lowly
piece of [bleep]"
391
00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:09,200
I have cooked
those kind of dinners before.
392
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:10,243
Yeah.
I think I've been
pretty patient--
393
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:12,203
Hush!
394
00:15:12,203 --> 00:15:15,039
Oh, boy.
I know what that is.
395
00:15:15,039 --> 00:15:17,250
Schemmenti cannoli?
396
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,626
To die for.
397
00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:20,670
[ Cackles awkwardly ]
398
00:15:20,670 --> 00:15:22,547
[ Awkward laughter ]
399
00:15:22,547 --> 00:15:24,465
No, not yet.
400
00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:26,259
Okay, who's ready for--
[ Doorbell ringing ]
401
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:28,344
Hang on. Hang on, one sec.
402
00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:33,099
Ashpet, ashpet,
I'm coming, I'm coming!
403
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:34,767
Okay. Hi.
404
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,811
Mr. Johnson-Claus
is here with tidings.
405
00:15:36,811 --> 00:15:38,688
Got you some red hair dye
to fix those roots.
406
00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:41,607
And tell Jacob he's picking me
up at 8:00 a.m. Sunday.
407
00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:44,193
I got him the gift
of taking me sledding.
408
00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:46,696
Thanks.
Uh, sorry, but I can't stay.
409
00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:48,447
Gotta get to the North Pole.
410
00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:50,241
Vixen and Dancer
are waiting for me.
411
00:15:50,241 --> 00:15:53,035
Okay. Merry Christmas.
412
00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:54,745
- Alright, now...
- There we go.
413
00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:56,038
- Alright. Oh.
- ...who's ready for dessert?
414
00:15:56,038 --> 00:15:58,124
[ All murmuring excitedly ]
415
00:15:58,124 --> 00:15:59,917
[ Doorbell rings ]
Oh, wait. Don't eat them yet,
416
00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:01,335
you "schkarfatoons."
417
00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:02,712
Oh, first she tells us
to eat it,
418
00:16:02,712 --> 00:16:04,672
and then she yells at us
not to eat it.
419
00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:08,259
She can't make up her mind.
What do you want from us?
420
00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:09,385
Hey, what the hell
are you doing here?
421
00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:11,345
I told you you weren't
invited to this.
422
00:16:11,345 --> 00:16:13,264
I didn't come to your dinner.
I respect your wishes.
423
00:16:13,264 --> 00:16:15,683
Paramedics got a DeathAlert
ring from this house.
424
00:16:15,683 --> 00:16:17,226
I saw the address
on the call.
425
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:18,728
I just wanted to make sure
you were okay.
426
00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:21,189
Anybody fall?
Anybody dead?
427
00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:23,691
Oh, is this
the nice firefighter?
428
00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:25,651
See, everyone? I told you,
she's got a guy.
429
00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:30,364
Oh. So that explains
why this food tastes so great.
430
00:16:30,364 --> 00:16:32,825
No single woman could make
a meal like this.
431
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:33,951
- So true.
- Am I right?
432
00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:34,994
- That's so true.
- I'm right.
433
00:16:37,205 --> 00:16:39,207
Who here has a DeathAlert?
What's that?
434
00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:40,208
Oh, so those things do work.
435
00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:42,084
Oh, who died?
No one died, Ma.
436
00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:44,003
Melissa!
Jacob, cannolis!
437
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,588
What the hell
is a DeathAlert?
438
00:16:45,588 --> 00:16:47,465
Did y'all say dessert?
'Cause I'm ready for it.
439
00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:48,716
Barbara: Gerald!
Okay, alright,
440
00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:50,968
Ma, everybody,
I'll come clean.
441
00:16:50,968 --> 00:16:54,347
Uncle Archie's upstairs,
and... he's dead.
442
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,474
[ All exclaiming ]
Sorry.
443
00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:58,768
That son of a bitch
owed me money.
Sorry.
444
00:16:58,768 --> 00:17:00,561
Melissa's house kills men.
445
00:17:00,561 --> 00:17:02,146
What-- Ma!
446
00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:05,441
[ Drunkenly ]
♪ Danny boy, the pipes ♪
447
00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:09,320
Okay, not to break up... this,
but where's the body?
448
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,113
Upstairs. My room.
Oh, my God!
449
00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:12,823
You're alive?
[ All exclaiming ]
450
00:17:12,823 --> 00:17:15,076
What?
I never sleep through a cannoli.
451
00:17:15,076 --> 00:17:16,827
I thought you said
you checked his pulse.
452
00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:19,538
I did. I went like this
and felt nothing and--
453
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:22,416
Oh, my God. Jacob,
you, too, do not have a pulse.
454
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:25,169
Ohh.
455
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:28,422
My B, my B. In that case,
my racist, homophobic dude,
456
00:17:28,422 --> 00:17:30,174
you have a fever.
457
00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:31,968
See why
I didn't invite you now?
458
00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:35,179
I totally get it.
Okay.
459
00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:36,514
Either you tell me
what's going on,
460
00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:38,140
or I'm asking her to leave.
I promise you,
461
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:39,934
there's a reason
I'm not asking her to leave,
462
00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:41,185
and there's a reason
I can't tell you.
463
00:17:41,185 --> 00:17:43,688
Tell me what it is.
I can't.
464
00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:46,649
Wow. What other secrets
are you keeping from me, huh?
465
00:17:46,649 --> 00:17:48,651
Ye--
466
00:17:48,651 --> 00:17:49,944
Are your muscles
even real?
467
00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:51,612
It's steroids, isn't it?
468
00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:53,656
[ Ava sighs ]
469
00:17:53,656 --> 00:17:55,992
Imma need y'all to stop
arguing on Christmas Eve.
470
00:18:01,372 --> 00:18:04,125
Gregory accidentally found out
that my dad lives in Philly,
471
00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:06,294
and I asked him not to tell you
'cause I know you would try
472
00:18:06,294 --> 00:18:07,670
to do your Janine Saves
the World thing
473
00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:09,088
and try to repair
a relationship
474
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:11,090
that I have no interest
in fixing.
475
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,842
He cut my hair.
He's a barber.
476
00:18:12,842 --> 00:18:14,260
Secret's out.
477
00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:20,057
And you didn't want
to be alone.
478
00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:22,101
[ Sighs ]
You got me.
479
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:25,396
I'm not immune to feeling
vulnerable during Christmas.
480
00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:28,399
So do you mind if I
481
00:18:28,399 --> 00:18:31,110
grace you with my presence
just a little longer?
482
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,404
Oh, my God.
Of course you can stay.
483
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:36,699
There's nothing wrong
484
00:18:36,699 --> 00:18:39,618
with wanting to be
with your work family.
485
00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:42,204
Shut up, Janine.
486
00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:44,707
I ate all your
marshmallows.
487
00:18:44,707 --> 00:18:46,083
You know, Mel,
488
00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:48,169
you're not as bad a cook
as everyone says.
489
00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:49,754
Why come you can't
hold down a man?
490
00:18:49,754 --> 00:18:52,089
Get out of here. Go.
491
00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:54,342
Uh, I'm still hungry.
492
00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:55,968
Yeah, well, you were dead
when we ate, so...
493
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,720
[ Groans ]
494
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,764
If Uncle Archie
woulda actually died,
495
00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:01,140
this would have been one of the
best Schemmenti dinners ever.
496
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:03,559
Right?
497
00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:05,519
Take it easy, Dom.
498
00:19:05,519 --> 00:19:08,022
And if things don't work out
between you and the firefighter,
499
00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:09,523
I know a guy.
500
00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:11,400
Mwah.
Night, Ma.
501
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,693
Love you.
502
00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:14,320
Oh, Melissa.
503
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,489
They would never tell you,
but I will.
504
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:19,158
Girl, you sure showed them.
505
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,743
I did, Barb.
506
00:19:20,743 --> 00:19:21,869
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
507
00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:24,622
Jinx!
[ Both laugh ]
508
00:19:24,622 --> 00:19:26,457
Bye, hon. Mwah.
So good.
509
00:19:26,457 --> 00:19:28,125
Thank you.
510
00:19:28,125 --> 00:19:30,211
[ Sighs deeply ]
Nice.
511
00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:32,338
Yo. [ Barks ]
Big dog, fire bro,
512
00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:33,964
um, Seamus passed out
in Jacob's bed,
513
00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:35,383
and I think he actually is dead.
514
00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:37,343
[ Seamus vomiting ]
515
00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:39,053
Shame on you, Seamus!
[shame-us]
516
00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:41,097
That's disgusting.
517
00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:43,057
Did he just call me
"big dog fire bro"?
518
00:19:43,057 --> 00:19:44,600
Yeah.
519
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:45,851
Those two aren't mine, though.
520
00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:47,645
Ooh! I wonder what it is.
521
00:19:47,645 --> 00:19:48,854
Mugs.
522
00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:51,941
Okay.
Aww, that's sweet, I think.
523
00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:53,651
You can put them
in any order, too.
524
00:19:53,651 --> 00:19:55,986
Mm. Well, obviously,
we didn't know you were coming,
525
00:19:55,986 --> 00:19:58,614
but that's okay, because--
526
00:19:58,614 --> 00:19:59,782
Oh, not again.
527
00:19:59,782 --> 00:20:01,492
Alright, here you go.
528
00:20:02,785 --> 00:20:05,454
[ Giggles ]
So, what's funny is
529
00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:07,623
I actually had to order several
pair to find the right fit,
530
00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:09,792
because my feet and height ratio
is one of a kind.
531
00:20:09,792 --> 00:20:12,753
But luckily,
Amazon had plenty of options.
532
00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:14,130
Ah...
Aren't they cute?
533
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:15,798
They definitely scream Janine.
534
00:20:15,798 --> 00:20:17,383
Thank you.
535
00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:19,552
Well, we've got plenty
of pillows and blankets,
536
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,262
and honestly, this couch
isn't bad to sleep on.
537
00:20:21,262 --> 00:20:22,805
Yeah. Not bad.
Yeah.
538
00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:25,015
What did you think?
We were gonna have a threesome?
539
00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:27,601
[ Chuckles ] You wish.
I was just killing time.
540
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,395
Until what?
[ Muffled music playing ]
541
00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:31,480
There's a party bus out there
with my name on it.
542
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,274
Christmas Eve is the best time
to go clubbing.
543
00:20:33,274 --> 00:20:35,901
No one there has kids...
that they care about.
544
00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:37,820
[ Chuckles ]
[ People cheering in distance ]
545
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,947
Merry whatever! Bye.
546
00:20:39,947 --> 00:20:42,616
[ Door shuts ]
547
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:45,077
Merry Christmas?
548
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:46,829
Merry Christmas.
549
00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:50,458
[ Both sigh ]
550
00:20:54,795 --> 00:20:57,339
Welp, made all my stops.
551
00:20:57,339 --> 00:21:01,177
Oh, crap.
I forgot about Barbara and Ava.
552
00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:04,180
I really need to start making
that list and checking it twice.
553
00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:08,392
Anyway, I'm on my way
to the North Pole.
554
00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:11,854
And to all a good night.
555
00:21:11,854 --> 00:21:14,940
On Vixen, on Dancer!
[ Chuckles ]
556
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:18,194
On Dancer, on Dancer. Yeah!
557
00:21:18,194 --> 00:21:20,780
[ Laughs ]
558
00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:22,740
Merry Christmas!
559
00:21:25,743 --> 00:21:28,621
-- Captions by VITAC--
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