Original subtitles

(splendid music)

(relaxed jazz music)

- [Narrator] This is suburbia.

You all know what suburbia is,

the mecca of the city dwellers,

their place in the sun,

a good place to raise the kids,

real homespun,

bonafide togetherness in the suburbs.

Yes indeed, suburbia, USA.

(relaxed jazz music)

It's a Monday morning.

Ah, here's a husband bravely going out

for a challenging new day,

and his wife sweetly sends him on his merry way

with a tender kiss, aw.

The suburban togetherness is something you'll see more of.

(calm jazzy music)

Oh, (clears her throat)

oh excuse us, but didn't we see your husband just leave?

Oh, well, they do things differently in suburbia.

(smooth jazz music)

Very differently.

In fact, it's the difference that makes suburbia what it is.

After all, you have to remember it's a Monday morning.

It takes a couple of days

to get everybody back in the right house.

(careless jazz music)

By the way, suburbia sure is a great place for a handyman,

(chuckles) or is it any man that's handy?

Variety is the spice of life,

and there is certainly variety in suburbia.

Oh don't worry, mister handyman,

you have the right tools,

but you may need that crash helmet.

(relaxed jazz music)

(spring boinging)

♫ What's our favorite evening game

♫ Night baseball

♫ Aw baby you're all wet

♫ Let's swap partners is the name

♫ Suburban roulette

♫ Where's my wife

♫ Has anyone seen her

♫ Is she ring-a-dinging with that swinging set

♫ The other guy's wife is always greener

♫ Suburban roulette

♫ I love you madly baby

♫ So come on and hold me tight

♫ But don't feel badly baby

♫ If I love your sister tomorrow night

♫ Let's liven up this dead room

♫ There's life in the old boy yet

♫ It's fun and games time in the bedroom

♫ Suburban roulette

♫ There's a little lady in my life

♫ Wouldn't trade her for the best

♫ Hey that's no lady

♫ That's my wife

♫ Suburban roulette

♫ Her husband's just a grouch dear

♫ My wife's a hopeless square

♫ There they are on the couch dear

♫ And they're just sitting there

♫ Let me borrow your coat love

♫ It's nearly 6:00am my pet

♫ Your husband will soon be home love

♫ Suburban roulette

♫ Suburban roulette

(siren whirring)

(weighty music)

- The usual.

(afflicted music)

- [Paramedic] Life?

- Barely.

(weighty music)

- When did you find her, Mr. Fisher?

- About 20 minutes ago.

Cindy and I had come back from the city to get her.

- Was she alone here all night?

(calm music)

- Yes.

My daughter and I had stayed in the city last night.

- [Officer] Mr. Fisher, have you been in a fight?

- No, sir.

I fell down.

You see,

my daughter and I stayed in the city last night

so we could give my wife a chance to straighten things out.

We didn't know all this was gonna happen.

We were only trying to pull our lives together.

(expressive jazzy music)

She gonna live?

- Of course she'll live.

We'll get her to the hospital.

- Mommy!

- Oh, sweetheart.

It's all right, baby.

She's still with us.

It's gonna be all right.

(velvety saxophone music)

- [Narrator] It's a deadly game, suburban roulette.

Somebody wins, somebody loses.

Ilene Fisher played for stakes too high for her.

We all did, us,

Marty and Fran Conley,

Ron and Margo Elston,

and Bert and Ilene.

You know how our little game of suburban roulette started?

Boredom.

That's it, boredom.

Every day the same.

A new family moving in just adds tinder

to a fire wanting to blaze.

(desirable smooth jazz music)

- My! - Look!

- Oh boys, now come on now, stop that!

Come on.

Hi.

I'm Fran Conley.

We live just across the street.

Welcome to suburban living.

- Oh thanks a lot, Mrs. Conley.

That's nice of you.

- [Fran] Boys, now stop that!

You be good.

- I'm Bert Fisher.

This is my wife, Ilene,

and this is our daughter, Cindy.

- Hi.

Oh please call me Fran.

Everyone does.

- All right.

- Oh it's so wonderful being out here.

I've lived all my life in the city.

It's such a thrill to finally have our own home.

- Bert and I have lived out here for almost 10 years

and we just love it.

Say, listen, I'm sure you won't feel like cooking tonight,

so why not come over to our house

for some hamburgers and a drink?

- [Cindy] Oh can we, daddy?

- Oh, Cindy, we don't wanna impose, honey.

- Oh nonsense, Bert, nonsense. - I got a car full of--

- We want you to.

- Well Fran, I'd just love it.

- Great.

We'll see you at 7:00?

I'll invite the Elstons over too

so you'll meet the big shots at the end of the street.

They have a pool.

This time of year it pays to be friendly.

(everyone laughs)

- Oh thanks, Fran.

- Good. - Thanks very much.

- We'll see you at 7:00.

- Okay. - Bye bye now.

- Come on, boys. - Goodbye.

- Come on. - Bye.

- [Bert] See you, boys.

- [Fran] Paul, come on.

(expressive trumpet music)

- Hey look, honey.

We're gonna make it out here, right?

Tell me we're gonna make it.

- Oh I hope you're right, Bert.

- Will you forget about the city please?

Let's make a new start.

Concentrate on getting into the set.

Look, you see how friendly the people are?

- Yeah.

- No more bulls for me, I promise you,

and no more boyfriends for you.

Now is that a deal?

- Oh I hope it can be, Bert.

- Mommy, daddy, I just know I'm gonna love it out here.

There'll be all sorts of kids for me to play with.

Oh, and I just know we're all gonna be happy.

Maybe now I can even have a puppy.

(cheerful music)

(people chattering)

- [Female Voice] I think the camera's off.

- Hey, Bert.

You're gonna like it out here,

especially in the wintertime

when the snowplow forgets

to come down to the end of the street,

and then when they do come,

they drop 10 feet of snow (laughs) right in your front yard.

Would you believe it? - Wow.

- [Fran] You sound like the Chamber of Commerce, Marty.

- [Bert] Better not drop it in my front yard.

- Hey listen to those sons of his.

They've made a fortune clearing out driveways.

I'm convinced they bribed the snowplow man.

- Oh very well nice and well done.

- You mean cremated, don't you, Fran?

- Well if you were any sort of a country gentleman,

you'd be the chef,

so try it.

(pleasurable music)

- I collect beauty.

Actually I'm a manufacturer's representative,

and that means that I find a good product

and I sell it as fast as I can

before they get wise to me.

Then I go off and find another good product.

- (laughs) Well it sounds interesting.

- Well the work isn't, but the money is.

- Say, how about you, Bert?

Are you outside cuddling like Ron and I are?

- Oh, not me.

I'm an inside man.

I worry about production control

in the hospital supply business.

- Oh sounds challenging.

- I think it is.

I'll tell you why,

because you'd be amazed at the progress they're making

in the administrative field in the hospital service.

- I'll bet.

(boy coughs and gags)

- Can I have some too?

- No.

- I want it.

- No.

(pleasurable music)

- That's how you do it, stupid.

- Franny, you've done it again.

Well done.

- Wise guy.

- Let's play mommy and daddy.

Cindy can by the mommy,

and you can be the daddy, Jerry.

- Hey, that's a great idea.

Cindy, you stand down there.

I'll stay here.

And fellas, you can go over there.

Now, I've just come home from work.

First you make me a drink.

Then you make you one.

- Can I play too?

- No.

You can just watch.

Now, this is how dad does it.

(boys laughing)

Now you drink some, Cindy.

- No.

I don't think I wanna play this game.

♫ Cindy is a sissy

♫ Cindy is a sissy

- Oh what's the matter, honey?

- Nothing, mommy.

Are we going home soon?

- Well no, sweetie, not right away.

Aren't you having a good time?

- Yes, I guess so.

I'm tired.

Could I just go home and go to bed?

- Well I guess so, sweetie.

Are you sure nothing's wrong?

- Yes, mommy.

I'm just tired, that's all.

- All right then.

Be right along.

We'll see you in a little while.

I wonder what's the matter with Cindy.

- You know how kids are.

She probably didn't like the game

the Conley boys were playing.

I saw Freddy snatching a glass of liquor.

- Liquor?

Do you mean Fran allows the children to have liquor?

- I don't think that's it.

There is a lot of drinking in that house,

if you know what I mean,

and well, kids tend to mimic their parents.

- Oh dear, I hope the boys didn't give Cindy any liquor.

We don't allow that.

- Well little Cindy is safe at home

and we came here to enjoy ourselves,

so what do you say we go get acquainted, Ilene?

Let's not worry about these little family matters.

You must've been a child bride.

- I was.

Right out of high school.

- Well it's nice to have a pretty new neighbor, Mrs. Fisher.

I hope you're going to like it here.

- Why thank you, Ron.

I like it more and more.

- Hey, Fran's got a whole lot of goodies here, Mrs. Elston.

How do you like yours?

- [Margo] I prefer mine plain, Bert.

- What'd you say?

- Plain.

- Okay, here.

- I'd like to invite you to our house next Saturday.

I assure you we won't have hamburgers.

- Oh.

- [Narrator] Ask any experienced players

of the game of suburban roulette

what's the best time to play,

and they'll all answer Saturday night.

Maybe it's because you can sleep the next day

or maybe it's because it kind of rounds out the week,

or maybe it's because the next day you can go to church

and ask forgiveness

so that you can start another game of suburban roulette

without being bothered by silly guilt feelings.

Anyway, here it is, Saturday,

a perfect night for the game.

(people laughing and chattering)

- Once when I was in high school,

(Bert and Fran laughing)

oh god,

my hair was all lopsided, oh.

I must've been a junior or a senior.

(Fran and Bert laughing)

Or was I a sophomore?

(laughs) I couldn't have been a freshman.

I didn't even drink then!

(Fran and Bert laughing)

- You're a beautiful neighbor, Mrs. Fisher.

- (laughs) Stop calling me Mrs. Fisher.

You make me feel like an old lady.

- You dance well too.

- Thank you.

- Boy, when I was in the Navy did I have a swell time.

- Yeah?

- Oh!

I was drunk all over the Mediterranean.

(Fran laughs)

Wherever that is,

whatever you call it.

- I haven't danced like this since high school.

- Having fun?

- Oh yes.

I had a lot of fun in high school.

I didn't like school very much, but I liked the boys.

(laughs) Nice boys who talked and laughed a lot

and didn't worry about bills or how much I spent on clothes.

Big smiling boys with big shoulders.

Then high school was over and I went to work.

Oh I hated it.

All the boys went into the Army or went to college,

and then Bert came along and filled all my emptiness.

So we got married.

(sensuous music)

(Fran and Bert laughing)

- One time when I was in this place,

it was in Italy.

(Fran and Bert laughing)

Genoa!

- Genoa!

- Yeah!

I was in Genoa.

And a bunch of us guys were just drunk

and we were sitting around a table

slopping down bread

(unintelligibly slurs).

- I better go check on Cindy.

I've never left her alone like this before.

- That's a good idea.

I'll come along with you.

- I can make it okay.

- If anything ever happened to you,

I'd never forgive myself.

(Fran laughs)

- And there's this big fat Italian

and I all see was dinner buckets.

(Fran laughs)

And I had a buddy.

Wait a minute, let me finish.

I had this buddy there.

What do you think his name was?

- What?

- Malcolm!

(Bert and Fran laughing)

And I turned around and he was gone!

And I said, "Hey fat guy, where are you?"

- "Fat guy, where are you?"

- Hey, hold it, you got all kinds of mud all over your face!

(Fran and Bert laughing)

- Hey, how about a drink?

- Oh we're doing just fine, Margo!

- I'll stick to these martinis.

- I'll bring the tray out.

- Okay.

Where was I?

- Where was I?

(Bert and Fran laughing)

- Anyway, I'll tell you, I couldn't find Beckham, see.

So I look around,

and what do you think he did?

- What?

- He creaked off his chair on all fours.

- What?

- And he goes across the dance floor

and bites this girl on the bottom!

(Fran and Bert laughing)

- We work well together, Mr. Conley.

- Well you're an excellent hostess, Mrs. Elston.

- Want a drink?

- No offense.

I'm afraid Franny's consumed all the rations

for the Conley family tonight.

- I think Bert Fisher is still on martinis.

- Yeah. (laughs)

I'm surprised he hasn't passed out yet.

- Oh he will.

- I'll get a lighter out.

- Why bother?

(pleasurable jazzy music)

They're so angelic when they're asleep.

Do you like children, Ron?

- Oh yes, yes.

I hope to have some myself someday.

(desirable jazz music)

What's your hurry?

- Shh, I don't want to wake her up.

(charming jazz music)

Wait, the baby, shh.

(charming jazz music)

No.

No.

No, please.

Not here, no!

- Shh.

It's all right.

Shh.

(desirable music)

- No.

No, don't.

(sensual music)

(Ilene moans)

- Say,

kind of hot in here, don't you think?

Why don't we take a little walk?

- Fine with me.

(charming jazzy music)

- Not this way.

Franny's never as drunk as she seems to be.

- Boy I really liked the Navy, Fran.

I went to a lot of places and saw a lot of things,

and I always felt secure,

and I had a million friends.

That's a good combination, ain't it?

Franny?

- We all got good memories, Bertie.

Nobody ever realizes when they're well off though.

You gotta take the good with the bad.

But you know?

- Hmm?

- I wouldn't give up my boys for anything.

(pleasant jazz music)

- Beautiful night, huh?

- When I was a little girl,

I used to lie on the lawn and count the stars

until I couldn't count any higher.

And then I discovered boys.

- Did you count the boys too?

- Until I couldn't count any higher.

(sensual jazz music)

- Margo?

Martin?

Anybody?

(pleasurable jazz music)

- Mm, you smell like a man.

(kisses)

Oh don't go!

- I have to, baby.

I'll lose my reputation as the perfect host.

- Well thanks for a nice evening.

- Don't mention it.

- Oh Ron, please don't go.

I don't want you to leave.

Could you ever love me?

- Well sure, baby.

- Please don't go.

- Now look, don't worry, I'll be back.

- Kiss me goodnight.

(slow sweet music)

- Goodnight, Bert.

I enjoyed it.

(slow sweet music)

Oh, baby.

Mommy's here.

I'm coming.

Don't be frightened.

I'm coming.

Everything will be all right.

- I love you, Ron.

- I'll call you Monday from the office.

(gentle orchestral music)

- Anything left for me?

- Always, baby.

Always.

(sweet orchestral music)

- Bert.

Bert.

- Huh?

- Come on, wake up.

- Huh?

- Come on, get up.

It's time to go home.

- Where you been?

- Oh come on, Bert.

- Let me get my shoes.

- Get your shoes.

- I'm freezing.

- Yes, yes, come on.

- Welcome to suburbia, Mrs. Fisher.

- [Narrator] Sleep on, Marty, sleep on.

You've been playing suburban roulette so long

even this game is starting to bore you,

but the biggest hand is about to be dealt,

and the game gets fast and loose.

First we need a little preparation.

By now Bert is just sober enough to feel sorry for himself.

Oh don't worry, Bert,

we all feel sorry for ourselves.

That's how the game starts.

- I don't want your help, you hear me?

I don't want your help.

Just leave me alone!

I want some milk.

I want some milk!

It's the same old story with you, ain't it?

I take you to a party

and you make it with the first guy you see.

Just like the punks on the north side.

Maybe you thought old thimble belly was too drunk

and missed all the action, huh?

Well I saw it! - Bert!

- I saw you climbing all over that slob.

- [Ilene] What?

- I've got news for you!

Do you hear me?

We're not moving!

We're staying right here,

because I'll take him for all he's got.

Thimble belly Bert is mortgaged up to his eyeballs!

Do you understand that?

And if I catch that bum sniffing around here,

I'll kill him!

"Ole thimble belly can't hold his booze."

That's what they used to say.

That's what Speckles used to tell me!

"But if you get some milk in him before revelry,

"he won't get sick on you.

"What are you getting out of the Navy for, Bert?

"What are you gonna do, make a lot of dough

"and marry some homey little broad and have a mess of kids?

"Watch out for the pretty ones, Bert.

"They'll spend all your dough on clothes

"and they'll cheat on you every time you turn the other way.

"Stay in the Navy, Bert.

"A little runt like you looks good in a suavey suit!"

- Bert, please, can't we talk about it tomorrow?

- No!

We'll talk about it now!

(Ilene screams)

- Bert!

- You seduced every broken-down bum

that ever looked at you twice.

My wife's a tramp.

A little stinking tramp.

And I love her too much to do anything about it.

(Bert cries)

- Oh!

(Bert cries)

(upbeat music)

♫ I'm gonna throw some milk at you

- Oh no you're not!

- Yes I am!

♫ Ha ha ha ha

♫ I got the paper

- Let me have the funnies!

- No I want it!

Give it!

- If you don't give me the funnies,

I'm gonna smash a egg on your head!

- I dare you too!

(kid laughs)

- I'm gonna tell mommy!

Mommy! - Shut up!

(boys screaming over each other)

- Oh!

You stop that screaming!

Mommy, mommy, Jerry won't--

(everyone screams over each other)

- Shush!

You'll wake up your father and the baby.

- He's already awake.

Fran, I wanna talk to you.

Why don't you feed these kids a decent breakfast?

- Why don't I?

Now you look at me, Martin Conley.

In case you thought I didn't notice last night,

I wanna talk to you.

- Not in front of the kids, huh.

- [Jerry] Come on, fellows.

- [Marty] Go take a bath.

- They're gonna fight again.

- You've got a mouth.

Boy I'll say that for you.

You've got a big mouth.

- Well you got something pretty big yourself,

big enough to spread around the neighborhood.

Was it good?

Did you enjoy yourself?

Well I didn't!

Not that you noticed!

You never notice!

- Shut up!

Now just shut up.

Aw come on, Fran, come on,

we gotta get the kids to

(Fran cries)

a church.

(puzzled music)

- [Narrator] Sunday in suburbia,

the most relaxed day of all.

A quiet day, as you can see.

Let the minister worry for a while.

Church is Sunday morning babysitting out here.

(shadowy music)

Cindy of course doesn't need this.

She's babysitting with her mother and father.

(perplexed music)

And for Ron and Margo, Sunday is another day together

for two strangers who happen to be married to each other.

Ah, togetherness.

That's why all of us look forward to our weekends.

(puzzled music)

And it's always the guy who wasn't drunk the night before

who has to mow his lawn at 10:00am,

practically the crack of dawn.

(lawnmower rumbles)

Okay, everybody up.

(slow expressive music)

(moves into smooth jazz music)

(moves into fast jazz music)

- These, these are pretty good.

I think I could probably use about a gross

of every one of them.

- Make it a gross and a half.

You're gonna need it, believe me.

This is our line for next Valentine's Day.

Here's the gimmick and it is beautiful.

All the other companies are putting out Valentine cards

in this size.

What has Detroit been doing

to sell more cars to the American public than they need?

Planned obsolescence, right?

You buy a car this year,

next year the same model's two inches longer,

three inches wider, right?

Okay, the kids go out and buy the competition's cards,

which are the small ones,

but then your cards hit the stands

and they've gotta buy them

because they've gotta keep up

with the kids next door, right?

But you haven't seen anything yet.

This just gets them thinking that way,

and then we hit them with the real capper.

Now how about that.

- (laughs) It's cute,

but don't you think that's a little bit too sophisticated

for the youngsters today?

- Sophisticated?

Come on, have you look at the youngsters today lately?

They're more sophisticated than we are.

Listen.

My little daughter is gonna get one of these babies

bright and early Valentine's Day

and I know she's gonna love it.

(knocking at the door)

Come in.

- Excuse me, Mr. Elston,

but the caller said it's urgent.

- Excuse me just a minute.

Charlie, you just take these and look through them.

I'm sure you're gonna find lots of things you're gonna need.

Hello?

Yes.

Yes.

About 3:00 will be fine.

Likewise.

I'll see you then, honey.

Bye bye.

Wives.

Every little thing is a crisis.

- [Ilene Voiceover] I shouldn't have called him.

He's not that type of man.

Oh why can't I be patient?

I'd sure like to know what's going on in his marriage,

but I just can't ask him.

(hushed music)

- Fran?

Hi, Ilene.

Say, would you mind very much

if Cindy played over at your house this afternoon?

I have to go into town.

Oh, thanks.

Yes, I have a doctor's appointment.

Oh no no, nothing serious.

Oh thank you so much, Fran.

- Why, Ilene must have a crush on her doctor.

She's in town three out of five days. (laughs)

Honestly.

- I'm sorry, Fran.

Sometimes my pendulum just swings the wrong way.

- But it never stops swinging, does it?

- No, it never does.

Let's forget it, okay?

- Forget it, Margo.

Let's cool off and have a drink.

- What the devil do you mean

by calling me at the office

and saying it's urgent?

I almost lost a sale.

- I'm sorry,

but I love you, Ron,

and I wanted to hear your voice.

- Come here, baby.

- Love me, Ron.

Love me.

I hope you don't mind my bringing this dress over, Margo.

Sewing isn't one of my talents.

I'm having some trouble pinning in things.

- Oh not at all, Ilene.

That's what neighbors are for.

Why don't you slip out of this?

We'll see how this looks.

- Could you give me a hand?

- Sure.

(expressive music)

- Well, what are you thinking?

- Very, very nice.

- What do you do all day, Margo,

with Ron at the office and no kids to watch?

- Oh I manage to amuse myself.

Here, slip into this.

- Okay.

How long have you and Ron been married?

- 12 years.

You're a very pretty girl, Ilene.

Did you know that?

- Why thank you, Margo.

Why is it you and Ron have no children?

Oh I'm sorry.

That's an awful personal question.

- Oh, I guess that Ron and I

are just different

than the rest of the people out here, Ilene.

I kind of got the idea

that maybe you were different too, Ilene.

- Well I see we are different.

- Oh Ilene, I'm sorry.

I apologize.

Life is made up of a lot of kinds.

Since we're going to be neighbors out here,

let's try to be friends.

Try to understand, huh?

- Oh I understand.

I understand a lot.

A lot!

- Hurry then so we can play badminton.

- All right, gang,

let's have a little action, huh?

You know I haven't won any money in months?

Now's the time to take a real pigeon.

- You can say that again.

- Say, how about you, Ron?

You're a betting man.

- Money bores me, Marty.

- All right.

All right.

I know something that won't bore you.

Why don't we play for flesh?

- [Fran] Marty, cut it out.

- Oh come on, Fran,

it's just like a post office in 8th grade.

- Yeah, I know your brand of post office.

If 8th graders played like that

they'd have to get married before they went to high school.

- Oh come on, Franny.

Humor the gambling spirit in your old man.

- Hey I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, look.

Maybe if the rain lets up

we could go outside and get a little badminton in

and get out of this stuffy house.

- Oh come on, Bert, relax, will you?

Look, I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll even auction off Bert first.

- Ladies and gentlemen!

Hurry hurry hurry hurry,

step right up, place your bets,

place your bets for good old Bert Fisher.

Black or red, what'll it be?

Who will bid for Bertie baby?

- I'll take black.

- Okay, now Fran, that means you've got the red,

and away we go here and around she goes!

- Oh come on, Bert, it's just for fun.

- Oh nice clean fun.

And the winner is black!

(Fran and Ron laughing)

- Come on, Bert, you're all mine.

- [Ron] (laughs) All natural, baby!

- All right, now we're gonna bet and play

for good old handsome Ron Elston.

(Fran laughs)

- I'll take black.

- Well I guess I stick with red.

- I'm with you and away with go.

And the winner is red!

Fran Conley, step right up and claim your prize.

- [Ron] I'm all yours, baby.

- Oh me.

(Ron laughs)

- And our lovely hostess claims the dealer by default.

(laughs)

Beautiful!

I am at your disposal.

- Just...

- [Marty] Mike!

- I'm your love slave.

- Well good for you. (laughs)

Whatever happened to badminton, Bert?

(Fran and Ron laughing)

(soft music)

- If we're gonna play kissing games, Bert,

we gotta turn down the lights.

- Look, I don't like this, Margo.

You understand, babe?

It isn't right.

- Bert, people do what they wanna do.

You can't change the menagerie.

They do what they wanna do,

and I wanna do this.

(romantic music)

- Okay, Marty, there's your kiss.

Now let's go back to the party.

- Oh now come on,

what's your hurry, neighbor?

I been trying to say hello to you

ever since you moved in.

- Well,

hello.

(amorous music)

- Ron! - Shh, pussycat!

(Ron kisses) (Fran laughs)

- Oh come with me to the--

- All right, enough, okay.

- We make the beautiful kittens together.

- Okay, all right.

Oh come on now!

(Ron laughs)

- I must be getting old,

because this kind of exercise tires me out.

- I thought you were pretty big on kissing games, Ron.

- Who ever gave you that idea?

- Oh I've watched you roam around the neighborhood.

- Oh have you now?

- Mm-Hmm, but you're not the only one.

- Mm?

- I've watched your wife and my husband

move around the orchard.

They've been doing pretty well for over a year now.

- Why tell me that?

Do you want a divorce, Franny?

- [Fran] (laughs) With four kids?

- Look, my wife leads her life, I lead mine.

We like it that way.

No accusations, just smiles.

- Am I supposed to smile too?

- All right, what do you really want from me, Franny?

- I don't know.

I'm not sure.

I don't know if I want you and Margo to move

or if I want you to even up the score, Ron.

(expressive music)

- Marty, please!

Let's go back to the party.

- (laughs) Come on, what's the matter, kid?

You Elston's private stock?

- Well what's that supposed to mean?

- (laughs) Come on, Ilene, I've got eyes.

You've been giving Elston freebies.

Why stop now?

(slaps)

Why you rotten little...

(Ilene screams)

- Don't hurt me, please!

Don't hit me!

(Ilene screams)

Don't hurt me!

Please don't hurt me!

(Ilene screams)

(amorous music)

(moves into expressive jazzy music)

(moves into weighty music)

- I've had enough!

You're nothing but a bunch of animals, all of you.

Animals!

Look, does any one of you have any self-respect?

Answer me.

Any one of you?

Like Sodom and Gomorrah out here.

- Bert, please!

- I don't care!

I'm calling a real estate broker in the morning

and I'm selling out!

I can't live like this!

Look, if you're still my wife, Ilene,

you get home and pack up, now!

- [Ilene] Please, excuse us.

- [Bert] Come on, Cindy.

A bunch of animals.

I meant what I said, a bunch of animals.

- (laughs) He was much quieter last night.

- Maybe we'd better go too, Franny.

- Go?

Aw, I've got enough eggs to stuff an army.

- I'm afraid we've never been very big for breakfast.

Thanks anyway.

- Can't we eat first?

Everything's all prepared.

- Let them go, Franny, let them go.

- Well thanks for the coffee.

(pleasant music)

- Maybe this should be a moment of truth for us too.

- Yeah, maybe.

Kids.

Go on in and eat some of those eggs your mother made.

- [Fran] How much can I take, Marty?

First it's Margo, now it's Ilene.

Am I supposed to see no evil

and raise the kids while you develop a harem?

- Don't push it, Franny.

Just leave well enough alone.

- Well enough?

You call tomcatting around the neighborhood well enough?

Well what am I, your housekeeper?

Maybe I should move your bed out into the yard for two.

- All right, Franny,

you wanna talk about it?

We'll talk about it.

Every time we get together, we got another kid on the way,

or else you're too drunk to know what's going on.

We've been out here 10 years, 10 stinking years.

I've driven a company car a million miles,

and what do I gotta show for it?

A mortgaged house and a pile of debts,

and four roughneck kids

who don't give a darn whether I live or die,

and a flob of a wife

who stays just a little bit drunk

so that a dirty house doesn't look filthy.

- Oh it's all my fault.

You're out there in the orchard with mattress-back Margo

because of me,

how touching.

(uncertain music)

- Franny, what's the use of fighting?

What's the use?

We're just stuck.

All the beautiful dreams we had,

now they just aren't gonna happen.

We've got four kids to take care of

and I'm never gonna get off the ground.

I'm just a traveling salesman, just like in the jokes,

with a finer car.

And you, you're a little Nell,

jumping from one ice cube to another,

escaping across a river of bourbon.

- Oh when did we stop trying, Marty?

What happened to our love?

- Oh honey.

- Oh please love me, Marty.

Please care.

I'll be everything you want.

I promise I'll stop drinking.

I'll clean up the house.

Just love me.

Give me back my self-respect.

(Fran cries)

- [Jerry] Mom, dad, here's some fresh coffee.

- Oh, baby.

- Thanks son.

Come on, sweetheart, let's have some coffee, okay?

All right?

- I'm not going with you, Bert!

I don't love you!

Ron Elston's gonna get a divorce

and we're gonna get married.

I love him very much.

- So that explains all those afternoons, huh?

- Yes!

Yes!

We meet and we make love!

He's so strong.

He satisfies me completely!

He's a real man and I love him!

- Why you little...

(Cindy screams)

You're nothing but a tramp!

You're not my wife, you understand?!

You're a tramp!

- Mommy!

Daddy, mommy, stop! (Ilene screams)

Daddy, mommy, stop! (Ilene screams)

- Well get out of my house!

Get out and stay out before I kill you!

(Cindy screams)

- Mommy!

- Ron, Ron, he hit me!

Honey.

He hit me.

He hit me!

- Look, come on, control yourself, take it easy.

- I told him.

I told him everything.

I told him about our afternoons.

Oh Ron, please, please, help me, Ron.

I love you!

Run away with me.

- Control yourself, baby. - Run away.

- Get a hold of yourself.

Look look look look, your family's waiting for you.

- Ron!

Ron, honey, please, no!

- I said your family is waiting for you.

(Ilene cries)

(frenzied music)

What's the matter with you?

- I'm gonna kill you.

(Ron screams)

(tense music)

(Ron shouts)

- [Ilene] Ron, Bert, stop!

- [Ron] You started it!

You came over here for the last time!

(frantic music)

(Ilene cries)

- Come here.

Ilene, come on.

Ilene, honey, come on.

Come on, Bert, up.

What are you starting fights like that for, Bert?

- Cindy, baby.

- Daddy, are you all right?

- Come here-- - No!

- Cindy.

(Ilene cries)

(sad music)

(car door slams)

- So long, thimble belly.

(relaxed jazz music)

- [Ron Voiceover] I collect beauty.

But when the beauty's gone, I get rid of it.

(relaxed music)

(knocking at the door)

(foreboding music)

- Go away, Ron.

I don't wanna see you again.

- [Ron] I've come to apologize, baby!

Come on, honey,

the least you can do is let me explain.

(ominous music)

(banging on the door)

- [Ilene] All right.

What difference does it make?

(suspenseful music)

- I feel very badly about this afternoon, Ilene,

but important decisions like divorces

just aren't made in back yards.

I love you, baby,

but it's gonna take time for us both to get unattached.

I mean we've gotta make plans one step at a time.

We've had our moments, and we'll have more,

but don't rock the boat, baby, not just now.

- Get out.

- Don't tell me to go, baby.

I love you.

I want you.

Now look.

I didn't mean to hurt the little guy,

but he hit me first, look!

(dark music)

Come on now, baby.

We're a team, remember?

- Oh why was I such a fool?

(troubled music)

I wanted someone to love me,

but you don't love me, Ron.

You never did!

Just one more handsome, lying, no-good bum!

(Ilene cries)

And now I've lost my little girl too.

Get out of here.

For the first time, you make me appreciate Bert.

- Don't cry, baby.

We can work this little thing out.

- Get out of here, Ron.

Please leave me alone!

- Even if it's goodbye, baby,

let's do this right!

(Ilene screams)

(Ilene cries)

(troubled music)

(moves into contented music)

- [Narrator] And this, my friends, is togetherness.

It's rare, I admit,

but you can see it is possible

when a player of suburban roulette

picks up whatever chips he has left

and decides to cash them in for good.

Quitting the game is like kicking the habit.

You know it's good for you,

but at the same time you have some doubts.

But there are still some players left.

One great aspect of suburban roulette

is that the game can continue

until the last player has lost his stake.

Incidentally, what you see here

may well keep a few future players out of the game.

Moral gamblers, please note.

(sad music)

- Good night, baby.

(tragic music)

(Ilene cries)

(sensual music)

- [Narrator] You'll find of a good suburban roulette player,

she's always ready for a new game.

And as I told you before,

for every good player, there's a poor one,

and the poor ones (laughs) don't even know

the gun is loaded.

But don't worry about Ilene.

As they say in the TV Westerns,

it's only a flesh wound.

(siren whirring)

And so ends one game of suburban roulette.

- Is mommy going to be all right?

- Everything's gonna be all right.

(siren whirring)

- [Narrator] But don't worry about it, folks.

Even before you know it,

there'll be another game starting.

Just keep watching,

and don't go too far away from your phone.

♫ Where is my wife

♫ Has anyone seen her

♫ Is she ring-a-dinging with that swinging set

♫ The other guy's wife is always greener

♫ Suburban roulette

♫ Roulette