Original subtitles

- "P". - What?

It's not "resents". "P". "Presents".

Oh, got it.

Sir, please wake up.

Wake up, sir.

Wake up, you little son of a bitch, you shit!

I'm sorry, sir, but you had a dirty dream.

I always have sexually oriented dreams.

My upbringing, I think.

I grew up in a family of die-hard chauvinists.

I'm sorry, sir, but I'm a feminist,

and I can't allow you to undress me in your dreams.

Hey! Please! I need some water.

Yes, you old bitch, I'll be there in a moment.

The same dream again?

Haunting me like the Phantom of the Opera.

- The Hound of the Baskervilles. - Calvin Klein's Obsession.

It's a healthy dream.

- Welcome to Hollywood, Frank. - Why, thank you, Frank.

You're welcome, Frank.

Do you realize we just completed

seven sentences full of intellectual subtext?

I'm exhausted.

Crash out, dude.

Extremely well put, Mr. Rostopovitz.

May I help you, Miss?

Pardon, where is the bathroom?

"Bathroom"?

First door on the left.

Thank you.

Or was that the right?

No, left is right.

"...criticized federal police

"for infringement on his civil rights,

"and called upon fellow South Americans to condemn further..."

Easy on the Sweet'n Low, Farrah.

There's not enough jam on the toast, Sofia.

Sheila, the coffee was too black.

And not too much pulp in the juice, Loretta.

What was that bit again?

"I will protect my right to speak freely with my life."

Ugh! They should have castrated him first and then executed him!

Go on.

That'll be Alex from the studio.

How much'd we gross last night?

Good, that's good.

Fire six vice presidents. Call me in the morning.

Whee! Whee! Whee!

Whee! Whee! Whee!

'Yes, I'm scared, you guessed right.

'No, I'm not afraid of flying.

'Yes, I'm scared for my life.

'I'm coming to L.A. to testify

'against the ketchup tycoon/ drug lord Rupert Hess.

'Yes, this is where I'm keeping the evidence against him.

'No, I'm not stupid enough

'to arrive in Los Angeles carrying this with me.

'Yes, police promised me protection.

'No, I don't believe them.

'Yes, I'll take care of myself.

'No, I don't know this guy.

'Sure, I have ways of finding out.'

That slimy, poisonous snake!

That sleazy lowlife informant!

He must be bringing evidence against me.

Have him killed, Bruno.

- "Please". - What?

"Have him killed, please."

- I want him dead. - OK.

Look at them - beautiful, unsuspected, innocent.

The key to my greatest scheme ever.

There's a hundred million big ones riding on those beauties.

Kill Garcia first, and then pick up the girls.

No, pick up the girls first, and then kill Garcia.

But if I pick up the girls first and then kill Garcia,

the girls will see me killing Garcia.

Darn! Kill Garcia first, and then pick up the girls.

Great idea, boss.

Morning, Frank.

Morning, Frank. Sleep like a baby?

Yeah.

And I'm not the only one.

Look at the big guy, he's out cold.

'Thrifty Airlines announce the delayed arrival

'of flight 241 to Jersey, Dallas, Wyoming,

'San Francisco, and Las Vegas.

'Informers on the flight disembark at gate 69.'

- My God, it's amazing. - What's amazing?

You look just like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Who's he work for?

You must be from another planet.

- I'm from Brooklyn. - That qualifies.

'Sleazy informant Garcia Garcia,

'here to testify against Rupert Hess,

'now disembarking at gate 69.

'Hired assassins can proceed

'with their hideous plans of extermination.'

Nah, not him.

'Mr. Garcia, informer against drug lord Rupert Hess,

'please meet federal agents

'of the Witness Protection Program

'in the arrivals area, please.

'Mr. Garcia, please.'

Yes.

'That was him, you idiot.'

OK, boss. That was him, you idiots.

Buzz off, geek, can't you see we're waiting for an informer?

Clear diversion to mislead us into thinking

those gentlemen behind you are assassins.

Code 45-A, section 1-C:

attempt to deceive a federal agent.

A prosecutable offense.

Ah! "I am Garcia.

"Meet me in the men's room."

Strange fella.

Think he's gay?

'The white zone in the men's bathroom

'is for unloading only.

'No homosexuals.

'The white zone in the men's bathroom...'

Oh, wait! It's heavy!

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

Ah, mine's already here, Frank.

That's not your suitcase, Frank. Your suitcase isn't pink.

Yes, it is.

You're making a dreadful mistake.

Which can only help the plot.

My turn.

What next?

'Mr. Rostopovitz and Mr. Guggenheimer,

'passengers Rostopovitz and Guggenheimer,

'please go to the men's room and hit your mark.'

- Got it, Frank? - Got it, Frank.

'The yellow zone is for urinating only,

'no other type of unloading.

'The yellow zone is for urinating only,

'no other type of unloading.'

Actually, I'm a very sensitive man.

As a small boy, I had a terrible childhood

which haunts me and sometimes makes me violent.

Other than that, I'm just an average guy.

Please talk.

- Hey, Frank. - Yes, Frank?

That wasn't funny, Frank.

- That wasn't me, Frank. - My mistake, Frank.

So, you gonna talk?

Here we go again.

My dear fellow, are you constipated by any chance?

Oh, definitely constipated, poor fellow.

Don't worry, like they say, easy come, easy go.

- Very apropos, Frank. - Oh, thank you, Frank.

- I'll talk. - I'm all ears.

I'm here to testify against Rupert Hess.

D'uh! What's your evidence?

A very thick organizer with names, phone numbers, dates.

Would you give it to me before I kill you?

I don't have it, I got rid of it on the plane.

Some other passenger has it in his carry-on.

And the name of that passenger?

Rostopovitz.

I didn't hear that, Garcia.

Mr. Rostopovitz!

- Yes, Mr. Guggenheimer? - That wasn't me, Frank.

Who is this Rostopovitz?

About five ten, brown hair, green eyes, a Capricorn,

real sensitive with a great sense of humor.

Where can I find him?

He's a citizen of the world,

presently on a business trip to L.A.

He frequents bars, strip clubs, and four-star hotels

where single women can be approached.

Does he know about the notebook?

What notebook?

The notebook Garcia put in his carry-on unsuspected

while Rostopovitz was asleep on the plane.

Nah, the man's completely oblivious.

We'll have to block all the exits.

If he doesn't cooperate, we'll have to kill him.

Thanks, Garcia. You made my life a lot easier.

So, you're not going to kill me?

Ah! I almost forgot.

Why do I always forget these things?

I don't smoke, I don't drink, I still can't remember nothing.

What was that name he said again?

Rostopovitz.

- Thanks. - Don't mention it.

You think constipation killed him?

No, it was definitely a .48 with a silencer.

You realize they know I have the crucial agenda?

You do?

Frank.

You think they're going to kill you?

Positively.

Well, then you better get out there.

If they take you out first, I can get away unharmed.

- Thanks, Frank. - What are friends for, Frank?

The villains are looking for a man.

Five ten, brown hair, green eyes.

- A Capricorn, real sensitive. - Which means

these incorrect suitcases will now come in handy.

Don't wear red, goes better with my eyes.

Frank! Trust me on this. It's a foolproof plan.

All we have to do is slip out of here completely unnoticed.

You must be with the pageant.

- You must be Bruno. - At your service.

- May I take your luggage? - But of course.

Help! Police!

- They're stealing our luggage! - Help! Police!

Help! That man's stealing our luggage! Help!

Help! Stop him!

Ladies, allow me.

Geez! Dykes!

- Hi, I'm Ethel. - And I'm Mirabelle.

- We do makeup. - And hair.

We also do body makeup.

Any, if you need some work on your tans?

I do.

Maybe I'll need you in the first couple of days.

I don't want to come out pale in the pictures.

I'm gonna win this pageant.

I'm sure you will.

Excuse me, is there a ladies room?

Yeah.

In the back.

You're here.

You go past the jacuzzi,

after the master suite make a right, then a left.

Go back about a quarter mile,

you'll be there in about ten minutes.

You're so sweet.

Mirabelle, sweetie,

didn't you say you had to powder your nose?

What?

No, my... my nose is fine.

She just gets carried away sometimes.

- Big bus. - No shit.

We need to talk.

My feet are killing me, and my bra is too tight.

Personally, I hate pantyhose,

and red lipstick doesn't suit me at all.

- Frank! - Don't wrinkle my dress, bitch.

Frank, come to your senses.

You don't give a shit about the dress. You're not a woman.

I'm not a woman?

I'm not a woman.

Well, thank God,

it's still there. I'm not a woman.

- Is that good or bad? - We gotta get out of here.

This whole thing is getting out of hand.

- Bruno is... - Who's Bruno?

You know, the Arnold Schwarzenegger type.

- How did you know his name? - I don't know.

Are you having an affair with him?

You crazy son of a bitch!

Listen to me! Look at me! What do you see?

- Your mascara is running. - Who am I?

An ugly chap who's jealous of my body.

- Frank!

Snap out of it.

You hurt me, but I liked it.

Just kidding, I'm OK.

- Who are you? - I'm Frank Guggenheimer.

Thank God. Now listen, Frank, we came here to...

Make it in Hollywood, act, write and direct, I know that.

Now look at us. We're up to our ass in drugs, prostitution,

maybe even assassination.

Hey, look on the bright side.

You ever have so much fun being a broad?

Think how much fun you're gonna have

when Bruno finds out you're not

and shoots you right between the eyes.

- You know what this is? - Garcia's little brown book?

That's right, and it's hot -

names, numbers, dates of all Hess's drug activities.

- Who...? - Who is it?

It's me, Marsha, can I come in?

- Yes. - No!

Well, which is it?

Oh, I hope you don't mind.

It's getting so hot back there,

- and I need to change into... - Something more comfortable?

You got it.

It's so hot here in L.A. this time of year.

- Hell. - Yes, hell.

Much better.

- Much. - Yes, much.

Thanks, girls. Bye!

Bye!

What was that you were saying

about getting out of here, Frank?

I don't remember anymore.

On one hand, we have real danger,

the possibility of grievous bodily harm,

even premature mortality.

On the other we have ironclad evidence

against the wanted drug lord

and also ten gorgeous women.

What do you say?

We're young, we're tough, we can't quit now.

- For richer, for poorer. - For better or worse.

- In sickness and in health. - Till death do us part.

I do.

So do I.

♪ Though I ain't got a dime ♪

♪ And you got money all the time ♪

♪ Walk out to reality ♪

♪ Can't be bought at the store ♪

♪ That's what hearts are for ♪

♪ Though you like to save the world ♪

♪ 'Cause you're a saving kind of girl ♪

♪ We're in this together ♪

♪ Right from the start ♪

♪ We're in this together... ♪

Behind me, you see those

who are protesting the pageant.

Fortune 500 company Hess Ketchup is sponsoring the event

which has run afoul of the local feminist groups.

This is Peter Hairnet for the Mafia News Network.

I'm blind, I can't see.

I'm...

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Help me, I can't see.

It's a miracle.

I can see.

'Senator Kennedy, please see the concierge

'for a delivery of a case of Chivas Regal.

'Senator Kennedy, please.'

I know I've seen you somewhere before.

Yes, you have.

You know, Vogue, Marie Claire, Harper's Bazaar,

Elle, W Magazine, you name it.

We've had our pictures taken with Brooke Shields.

- Christie Brinkley. - Paula Barbieri.

- Claudia Schiffer. - Paulina Porizkova.

All the supermodels, we've done them all.

Makeup and hair, that is.

Well, that explains it, I guess.

Well, of course it does, silly, we're famous.

Come on!

Come on, come on.

- Who is it? - It's Simone.

Maria!

That's mine.

Hurry up! Come on!

I'm Milli Vanilli, let's have a party.

You failed me.

And you know what happens to people who fail me.

They don't get dessert?

They become off-ramps.

Before or after dessert?

That Rostopovitz can hang me as long as he has the book.

Find those two idiots, and bring me back the book.

Maybe the guy doesn't even know he has the book.

I've seen that guy somewhere before.

Of course you have, you moron!

You ran into him and the other guy.

Bet I'd recognize him again, even in disguise.

Any idiot would recognize him.

I'm not just any idiot, boss.

Find him, bring him back to me personally.

Now, get outta here. I can turn my own pages.

I hate Pomp and Circumstance.

♪ You build me up just to let me down ♪

♪ Every time I turn around, you're hot and cold ♪

♪ Hot and cold ♪

♪ No time for your chit-chat ♪

♪ Let me know just where you're at ♪

♪ Push, pull... ♪

What do you know about Mr. Hess?

He's very rich, but he's also old and losing his hair.

He has a huge mansion with bodyguards, big-screen TVs,

two pools and three jacuzzies.

♪ On my chain, girl ♪

♪ I said you build me up just to let me down ♪

♪ Every time I turn around... ♪

I survived the fall from 30,000 feet,

and I feel better already.

I drink only Evian,

and I never, never mess around on the first date.

I didn't know you had ketchup in Iraq.

We don't.

But then again, we don't have burgers either.

♪ Guitar ♪

So, what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

Beauty... and money... and ambition,

and I love to win.

Funny, you don't sound Latin at all.

I'm not, I'm from Pacoima.

The Honduran tourist office is paying me to do this,

but what I really want to do is act.

You could say I'm an aspiring bimbo.

I hear American men are hot-blooded.

How many did you have?

None. I'm still a virgin.

Pack it up, ladies. It's time to go to bed.

Mr. Hess will expect to see you at his mansion

tomorrow morning early.

He has turned over his guest house

for your training and preparation,

and he will personally choose the ones he wants to date.

And if you're thinking

about going out without his permission, it won't fly.

You're restricted to your rooms,

and there's a guard in every corridor.

Now, break it up.

- Ladies and gentlemen. - Just ladies.

Just ladies.

My pleasure to introduce to you our...

- Host! - ...host.

- Mr. Rupert... - Hess!

I know that.

Mr. Rupert Hess.

I want to welcome you all

to the Hess Ketchup First Annual International Beauty Pageant.

You are all so beautiful, so lovely, so sophisticated,

but only a few of you will win.

And those who win will travel.

We'll send you to exotic places to claim even more prizes,

more cash, more rewards,

and more honor for this, our great country.

First class trips to Bogotá, Cartagena, Haiti, Bolivia,

and of course the Middle East.

Treats unprecedented in beauty contests.

And of course the grand prize, 50,000 in bonded cash.

And now ladies,

I have a very important meeting with the local mafia,

but I assure you, in the next couple of days,

we'll get to know each other very well personally.

There'll be lunches, dinners, nights on the town,

at the clubs, discos, bars, the best restaurants,

the swimming in the jacuzzi.

There'll be the...

You want it,

you'll get it.

Frank!

Frank, don't be strange.

Why, what's wrong with me?

Stop staring at that guy, are you crazy?

I'm not staring at him, he's staring at me.

- I'm Rupert Hess. - Charmed.

I couldn't help watching you from a distance.

I find you captivating, fascinating, different,

and so unusually fully dressed.

I'm only the makeup girl.

I'm a Pisces, would you like to have fish with me?

- Is this a... - Yes, an invitation to dinner.

I'll pick you up, say six-ish?

Six-ish, then.

- I'm Mirabelle. - You're ugly.

If you want to have dinner with her, she's yours.

Thank you very much.

What am I, chopped liver?

Leave me alone.

Are you out of your fucking mind?

- You're jealous. - Jealous, my ass!

You're going out to dinner with a mobster

dressed as a girl.

He didn't say he was going to dress as a girl.

Don't get cute with me, Frank.

These damn clothes have started to change your personality.

You're becoming Ethel.

I don't have to stand here and let you insult me.

Oh, no? What are you gonna do?

- Powder my nose. - Frank, listen to me.

We're not women, we're men in drag.

We did it out of desperation following a twisted plot,

and it's gotta end now.

We're getting out of these dresses,

we're burning these wigs,

we're going back to what brought us here in the first place.

Right now, the combination of danger and sex

appeals to me more than money.

The hotel is paid for.

There's ten gorgeous half and/or fully naked women

for the taking.

And I'm not walking away from paradise

until either I'm dead or fully satisfied.

May I remind you

that the former is a more than distinct possibility

with a ruthless drug lord?

- Rupert? Oh, he's a pussycat. - Will you stop it?

Bruno's already killed one man in cold blood.

He may already be racked by guilt.

Bruno doesn't feel any guilt because he doesn't have a brain.

And when Rupert finds out we're not who he thinks we are,

we end up as some freeway off-ramp.

I say we make a run for it.

- I can't do that, Frank. - Why the hell not, Frank?

I have a date tonight.

Well, don't expect me to play bridesmaid.

I'm getting out of here.

Mirabelle!

Silly girl.

I called this meeting because, as you know,

business is not exactly booming.

Elections are done, illegal gambling is off,

and the protection racket is not performing -

all because the old geezers are not up to the job.

Forget it, Miriam, I'm not listening to any of your excuses

about weak kidneys, slipped discs and arthritis.

I've heard it all before,

and to be honest, to me it sounds like sheer negativism.

Be aggressive.

Go out and kick some butt.

Now, move it!

♪ My baby wears a lot of jewelry ♪

♪ My baby wears a lot of jewelry ♪

♪ My babe, she loves to show it to me ♪

♪ My babe, she wears a lot of jewelry ♪

♪ My baby wears a lot of jewelry ♪

♪ She got an arm full of every color bracelet ♪

♪ Around her neck, she got a necklace you can taste it ♪

♪ She looks so fine with all that gold and silver shine ♪

♪ I wanna hold her, but the girl is hard to find ♪

♪ It's on her earlobe, it's on her big toe ♪

♪ My baby wears a lot of jewelry ♪

♪ My baby wears a lot of jewelry ♪

♪ My baby loves to show it to me ♪

♪ My babe, she wears a lot of jewelry ♪

♪ My baby wears a lot of jewelry ♪ ♪

♪ So many rings around her fingers, she can't bend them ♪

♪ She got my picture in a diamond-studded pendant ♪ ♪

- God, I'm dead. - You're not kidding.

- I want to take a nap. - Oh, no, you're not.

Yeah, who's stopping me?

Your big date with Mr. Rupert Hess.

- Fuck! - Never on a first date.

I can do it.

Oh.

Oh, no problem, Frank, go ahead, take a nap.

Stand Rupert up, get him pissed, have us both killed.

Shut up.

I can do it.

I can do it.

I'll jump in the shower, put some makeup on.

I'll feel like a brand new woman in no time.

I can do it.

I can do it.

I can do it.

Hi, honey.

I hope you don't mind.

My roommate was using our tub,

so I thought I might borrow yours.

Well, don't just stand there.

Come on in and share while the water's still warm.

- I... I can't do that. - Don't tell me you're shy.

We're girls after all.

Come on, Ethel.

I'm straight.

Just take your clothes off and jump in.

I've never shared a tub with another person.

You see, I never had a boyfriend.

I'm sort of a loner, I guess.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Pretty girl like you.

Oops!

Girl, you're packing more than you need, aren't you?

Aren't you, Frank?

OK, OK, what do you want from me?

What do you have to offer?

- My body. - Lousy bargain.

I look better without the dress.

- Cut to the chase, Ethel. - Call me Frank, Misty.

The name's Joanne, Frank. I'm a narc. That's spelled FBI.

All these years of training

to make this body perfect and seduce Hess,

and what happens?

I get beaten out by a guy in drag.

Guess I've got that certain je ne sais quoi.

Sure you do, Frank.

That's why you, me, and your friend Mirabelle,

we girls are gonna work together and put Rupert out of business.

Get a promotion, a raise even, get a life.

- Hey, I'm not with the FBI. - I'm talking about me, Frank.

You and the other Frank will do the legwork.

Pardon the expression.

- And I'll collect the benefits. - What if I refuse?

Nice try, Frank. Think I got to be an agent by accident?

I'll tell you why not.

Work with me, you little shit, or you're dead!

Get it? Dead.

Point made. What do you want me to do?

You will go to dinner with Rupert.

You will go back home to his mansion,

- and you will seduce him. - Seduce him?

- I just said that. - Seduce him?

Frank, you're repeating yourself.

You're not making any sense.

OK, let's go.

Wait a minute, what about Grace Jones out there?

Think I don't already have that figured out?

Hey! Sam!

- Hi, Misty. - Hi, Sam.

All's clear if you want to see the Chief.

- Thanks, catch you later. - Bye.

See you, Frank.

Later, Frank.

'The special of the day at the Hard Bread Café...'

Here's the deal. See those?

They call them elevators.

'...then sprinkled with crispy, crunchy sawdust,

'served with a generous portion of yesterday's fries

'and a slice of bed fly infested watermelon.'

'It's a bargain at $32.99.'

- Not this one. - How do you know?

♪ Off we go, into the wild ♪

We're picking up the Chief, 33rd floor.

There's no 33rd floor.

No Chief either, hit 32, pal.

32.

Would you take 31?

- Got a light? - Sure, Chief.

Thanks, but not while I'm on duty.

Hello, boys. Or should I say, "Hello, girls"?

Garcia! It's amazing - you're alive!

No, name's not Garcia.

And yes, I'm alive.

Oh, that! Yeah.

I got shot point blank, that's right.

Bulletproof vest.

What the hell is that for?

This is supposed to be an express elevator.

No stops.

You just shot a little old lady!

Yes, I did.

That wasn't a little old lady. Rupert's spies are all around.

Word gets out I'm alive,

might as well kiss the plan goodbye.

- Now listen, Garcia... - Gesundheim.

I didn't sneeze.

No, his name's not Garcia, it's Gesundheim.

Yes, I know what you're thinking.

But that book I placed on you was a phony.

Wanted Hess to think we had the goods on him.

Yes, it is an ingenious plan.

No, I still can't arrest him.

Got a payroll a mile long -

cops, judges, the mayor, city council,

garbage men, senior citizens,

even the goddamn illegal aliens.

You know the name 'em, they're all on the take.

The overhead will kill him.

No, I'd rather kill him myself.

No, I can't get my hands on him legally.

And yes, you will help me.

- No, we won't. - And yes, you're crazy.

- You don't have a choice. - We know who you are.

We got a hold of all your unpaid parking tickets in six states.

We also know that you are aspiring actors.

What we really want to do is write and direct.

You will never work in this town again

unless you go along with my plan.

What do you want from us?

Let's go have a bite. They've got a free breakfast.

But it's after 5:30.

Now you understand why it's free.

Well, don't just stand there, Ethel, come on.

Oh, fuck!

You look ravishing.

You're very handsome yourself, Mr. Hess.

So, where are we going tonight?

I will fly you to the moon, Ethel.

Oh my, I thought we were going to your house for dinner.

No, no, no. I prepared something rather exclusive.

By the way, it's a mansion, not a house.

Sorry.

Why three helicopters, Rupert?

You must be wondering, "Why three helicopters, Rupert?"

You read my mind.

Decoys, if anybody gets any ideas,

they won't know who to shoot down first.

You like rollercoasters, Ethel?

They make me dizzy, I lose control.

Good!

You like speed, Ethel? You like ecstasy?

I don't do drugs, Rupert.

I'm talking real ecstasy, Ethel, real orgasmic speed.

I love it!

Pardon me.

Would you have any Gray Poupon?

What?

I said, "Pardon me, would you have any Gray Poupon?"

But of course!

- Ethel? - Yes, Rupert?

- You see all this? - Yes, Rupert.

All mine.

This building over there, mine.

That other one, mine.

I own the biggest buildings in town.

Like they say, Rupert,

a man's building is an extension of his far-feg-nu-gen.

Ethel, you're so intelligent, so sharp, so...

Take your hand off my knee, Rupert.

Nice to see you again, Mr. Hess.

New girlfriend?

Yes, another one.

We're really just acquaintances.

- The usual? - Please.

And what about you, slut?

Cristal, please.

Oh, that's a first, a slut with good taste.

What a rude woman.

Camille? She's a putz.

Enough about her, let's talk about us.

- So, what'll it be, my man? - Black Russian?

No, I just have sort of a tan. What would you like?

- Bud Light. - You got it.

Do I know you?

'Play dumb, Frank.'

I don't think so, why?

I got a really lousy memory.

I always ask people if I know them.

You look familiar.

You sure we haven't met before?

Oh, I'm positive.

I'm AB negative.

Hey, this is empty.

Why do you think they call it light?

So, Bruno, you kill anybody today?

Nah, pretty quiet.

- The usual? - Yeah.

- Mm? - Uh... No, thanks.

I'm trying to cut down.

And now, let's talk about you.

- Me? - Yes, about you.

You exude wit, charm, class.

I'm fascinated by you for some unexplained reason.

There's a kind of charisma about you

that makes me forget all my good taste

and very high aesthetic sensibilities.

I would walk to the ends of the Earth for a girl like you.

So, what do you say, Ethel,

you want to go back to the mansion, have sex with me?

Oh, I don't know, Rupert.

You're so fierce.

I need time, I need to get to know you.

I don't know what it is about you, but I like you.

I feel I know you.

I'll tell you what, let's be buddies.

Let's have some fun, what do you say?

'Not a good idea, Frank.'

Uh, I don't think so.

Good!

Drinks are on me, smiley.

Can you do me a favor, Rupert?

Anything, Ethel.

Helicopters turn me off. Let's take your car.

Of course.

By the way, it's not a car.

- It's a limo. - Sorry.

No! Rupert, don't.

You overwhelm little girls, throw them off balance.

I need a little romance.

Romance, you want romance? I'll give you romance.

Driver, pull over.

Hey bro, come here!

- Good evening, sir. - Excuse me, my good man.

I'll take all the flowers you have.

Now I want all your money, motherfucker.

Don't hurt me. I'll give you anything you want.

My money, my credit cards, the car, her.

Leave me out of this.

OK, I'll take the money and the credit cards.

You can keep the car. Too big, lousy on gas mileage.

- But this little bitch is mine. - What?

You see, Frank, I don't usually have this much fun.

My social life stinks.

Got a few problems, know what I mean?

Like, these guys I gotta kill?

One of them is about your height, same eyes, same hair.

Practically looks like you.

The other guy I don't remember too good

because he had this camera in front of his face.

My boss says if I don't get them, he'll get me.

Problem is, I don't know where they are.

So, look at me.

'Look at him, Frank.'

Do I look like a dead man to you?

Damn right I'm not. Know why?

'Cause tomorrow I'm going to Mexico

'with a bunch of bimbos for a major drug deal.

And it's splitsville for yours truly.

A place where Rupert Hess can never find me

and I can live happily ever after.

You're doing the right thing, Bruno.

Will that be all, sir?

No, that will not be all. I'm paying you good money,

so stay in the car until you die.

I'm sure you'll understand

why I bring you straight to the guest house, Ethel.

The mansion is a total mess,

let alone that my wife would divorce me

and take all my money if she saw me with you.

Your wife? Oh... Why, be careful.

Yes.

Thank you for a wonderful evening. Good night.

- Ethel. - Yes, Rupert?

- I'll be frank. - No, I'll be Frank.

Hmm! Such a kidder.

- Ethel. - Yes, Rupert.

I want you to know I feel like we know each other

for a long time.

There's something about you, I can't put my finger on it.

You wouldn't want to do that.

You're not like the other girls.

Well, that's true.

You're strong, you've got balls.

That I've got.

The way you handled that little crisis tonight,

the way your body feels,

so well-built, and yet so... so feminine.

I don't want you to rush into anything you don't want to do.

So, I'll give you ten minutes to shower

and slip into something more comfortable.

I'm a sucker for tough broads.

Pretty kinky, huh?

Here's your male accessories.

- How'd it go? - Fine, Sam.

You sure you want to go through with this?

I have a job to do, and I'll do it.

For Misty.

For the agency.

And for America.

But mainly for me. I haven't had a man in such a long time.

Huh!

Has it been ten minutes already?

- I wanted to surprise you. - Naughty boy.

Count to 3,000, then come in.

One, two, three...

...four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten,

eleven, twelve, thirteen... fourteen. I cheated.

Ethel.

Ethel, it's time to meet Long Dong Silver.

Ow! Oh, fuck!

Rupee's here.

Ethel!

Oh! Oh, Ethel.

What a body!

All those muscles - you're a big, bad mama.

Little Rupert wants big, bad mama to spank him.

Spank little Rupert.

Yes! Yes! Yes...!

Spank little Rupert!

Yes! Yes! Yes...!

Yes! Yes!

'I have voice recognition, silly...'

Ready.

Damn!

'Are you sure?'

Shut up.

'Oooh. Beat me, whip me, make me write bad checks!'

Bye!

Ow! What are you doing?

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Frank, meet Ramirez. Ramirez, Frank.

Ramirez, Frank. Frank, Ramirez.

Ramirez, he couldn't make it. I am Gonzales.

I can't believe it.

Months of planning that operation,

and that goon Bruno goes and spills his guts to him

in a cheap strip joint.

Oh, make me feel sleazy, why don't you?

I wouldn't call it cheap.

Tacky maybe.

Argh!

Argh!

What now? Ride too rough for you?

My tooth! It's killing me.

Transparent decoy to weasel out. We've got a rendezvous to make.

Argh!

They'll hear us miles away, we better drop him off.

Or find a dentist.

Where are we gonna find a dentist out here?

!¡Mi cuñado!

My brother-in-law, he is a dentist.

What kind of dentist?

Beggars can't be choosers. Hit it, Ramirez.

Remember, I'm Gonzales.

Argh!

'Dr. Kildare to proctology, please.

'Dr. Kildare to proctology.

'Dr. Bones to orthopedics.

'Dr. Bones to orthopedics, please.

'Dr. Milan to radiology, Dr. Milan to radiology.

- Say, "A". - Argh!

Now say, "E".

Argh!

Señor, you have a severe eyesight problem.

I'm gonna have to give you a prescription

for a pair of glasses.

There's nothing wrong with my eyesight.

It's my tooth that's killing me.

I know!

It is my professional opinion that you have a bad tooth.

I know that! Which one?

- Argh! - That one, señor.

What can you do about it?

Well, I can give you a filling for $25.

Or I can give you a root canal for $100.

That's it, you need a root canal.

$100? Are you out of your mind?

Sí, señor, but that's not the question here.

It's outrageous, I'm not paying more than $30.

- $60. - 35.

- 55. - Ow, God!

- That hurt, señor? - Yes.

Alright, $50.

I don't have the cash.

It's alright, I take American Express.

Now, take two strong drags, señor, two big ones.

Señor, do you floss?

For another 50 bucks, I'll give you these free.

When the pain comes, you just inhale.

Good deal.

Rupert's planning

to take delivery of this shipment personally.

The question is, how big is the shipment?

How big?

Mind your own business, Gonzales.

The other question is,

how is he planning to smuggle it back into the country?

- How? - Gonzales, shut up and drive.

What are we waiting for?

Let's go.

From here we walk.

Walk? You expect me to walk?

I'm not even getting paid for this.

♪ O sole mio... ♪

This is it. Worth about 60 million, we hear.

- Strange. - What?

I don't see Rupert anywhere.

- That is strange. - Maybe he's on the plane.

Or maybe he's right behind you.

Nah, couldn't be.

- Yes, it could. - No, it couldn't.

Could, too.

Whose voice is that?

- Not mine. - Or mine.

Gonzalez, you a ventriloquist or something?

Thank God! I thought it was hallucinating.

Thank you, Gonzalez.

- Here's your money. - Gracias, hombre.

I don't need to count it, I trust you.

Gonzales, you slime ball. You'll pay for this.

Sí, señorita, home loan, car payment,

put my kids through college.

Drop your weapons.

As they say in my country:

Zwei Birden mit ein Stonen.

I bet that means "two birds with one stone" in German.

Your linguistic skills won't be enough to save you,

Mr. Guggenheimer.

Search them.

Argh! Get your hands off me!

Don't touch me.

Why do you look so familiar to me?

What about me, don't I look familiar?

You look ugly, but Mr. Guggenheimer here

is very, very familiar.

Just can't put my finger on it.

Good job, boys.

Waste of a good body

to be working for the Federal Bureau of Incompetence.

You won't get away with this, Hess.

How old are you, my dear?

Twenty-five next month.

I'm afraid we'll have to sing "Happy Birthday" now,

as you won't be around next month.

Boys.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Misty ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

I get it.

Thanks.

You're all so nice.

You'll never get me, you know.

There's no trail, no evidence.

You'll have to nail me on a cheap technicality

like a pawn.

Put them on the plane.

I personally will fly you to 10,000 feet

and drop you off, so to speak.

Have a nice flight.

By the way, your guess was way off.

I'm hurt.

The street value of this cocaine was 110 million.

♪ Volaré, oh-oh... ♪

Hi, guys!

Mind pointing those things somewhere besides my face?

One of them might go off.

We'll shoot you anyway.

Oh, that's not what Mr. Hess says.

He says we're getting dropped into the jungle

from 10,000 feet.

- Isn't that right, gang? - Yeah...

Thanks.

If we ever get out of this, I'll make it up to you guys.

I think I know a way out of this.

Yeah, right.

Remember the laughing gas the dentist gave me?

Of course, it's brilliant.

When I say now, take a deep breath and hold it.

- Now wait a minute, Frank. - Now!

'El piloto automático está funcionando...'

Shut up! Shut up and sit down!

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...!

Oh, shit!

Get the wheel, Frank.

"Get the wheel! Get the wheel!"

You inferior asshole!

This is tremendous fun.

Enjoy it, Rupert! It's your last.

That's funny.

You wanna kill me? Hilarious!

Because I'd like to kill you, but I can't!

Ditto!

"Get the wheel!"

"Get the wheel!"

That's a new jacket, Rupert.

Khaki's not your color.

So, you want to tell me how you do it?

Do what?

Get the drugs to L.A.

- Over my dead body. - OK.

No, don't drop me! Pull me in!

I'll tell you everything you want to know.

OK, talk.

The girls from the beauty pageant.

The luggage. We add a piece to each one.

Customs won't check.

They're celebrities.

Eleven suitcases filled with Columbia's finest.

- He's lying. - Are you lying, Rupert?

I swear to you, I'm telling you the truth.

- The whole truth? - And nothing but the truth.

- So help you God? - Don't push it.

Don't forget to write!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Thank God, I'm alive! I'm alive!

All I have to do is find a cellular phone, right?

Nothing can go wrong now.

We gotta land this thing.

No shit, Jose!

Except for the fact that we don't know how

and we're out of gas.

Why are you always so hung up on details?

Leave it here, will you, buddy?

'Congratulations, Misty.

'Did the two bums cooperate?'

The two bums are sitting right next to me,

and yes, they did cooperate.

I couldn't have done it without them.

- Thank you, thank you. - It was nothing, really.

'You know, you all amaze me.

'You uncovered Rupert's plan,

'you followed him to the Caribbean,

'you found him loading a $100 million worth of cocaine

'onto a plane,

'you got shoved around by a bunch of Colombian thugs.'

Cut to the chase, Chief, we know all that.

'To make a long story short,

'you managed to get rid of the thugs.

'You landed the plane, and you delivered to the authorities...

'260 pounds of pure...

'...powdered sugar.'

- Funny, Chief. - Yeah, what a kidder.

'This is powdered sugar.'

He isn't kidding. It's powdered sugar alright.

'Which brings us to a dead end for this investigation

'as a single question looms towards us.'

'Don't go away, we'll be back.'

Damn! They have all these commercials.

The bureau must be desperate.

Did I hear right? He said he got rid of the thugs.

- So? - He didn't mention Rupert.

We got rid of Rupert, right?

Yes, sir. He went down like a bullet.

'This is a sad day for the Bureau.

'We lost our only chance to put Rupert away.'

Not so fast, Chief.

Rupert took a dive from 20,000 feet and no parachute.

'That lake full of alligators broke his fall.'

How come he wasn't eaten alive?

'Would you eat a German?'

Chief, before you go, Rupert can only trick us once.

That powdered sugar gag was clever,

but we will find the cocaine,

and we will put him away for good.

'You'd better! My retirement plan depends on it.

'I'm supposed to surrender my badge next week

'and start a phone sex 900 service.

'Do your best.'

We will, Chief.

A great man, a great agent.

Thirty years with the force,

and he's giving it all up for the good, clean, quiet life.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Ulla Schygulla, Miss Young Yugoslavia.

Monique Perrier, Miss Fiery France.

Maria Conchita Reyes, Miss Bodacious Bolivia.

Rica Goulash, Miss Hungry Hungary.

Torota Krakova, Miss Polluted Poland.

Simone Linguini, Miss Idyllic Italy.

Marcia Marciano, Miss Horny Honduras.

Rosanne Catanara, Miss Spanking Spain.

Lily Vanilli Hussein, Miss Irate Iraq.

And last but not least, Mariquita Del Castro Vidal,

Miss Curvaceous Cuba.

Unfortunately, we seem to be missing our very own Miss Texas,

but as they say in my country, the show must go on.

Thank you, ladies.

I will discuss with myself

and will come up with the results later.

Now, go on and meet interesting old people.

Go! Go, go, go!

You can go in, slut.

- Thank you ever so much. - She's the boss's main squeeze.

Well, look for evidence.

Check every room.

What are we looking for?

Evidence!

I absolutely refuse to believe

bodies like this exist in real life.

- Freeze! - I've done that already.

OK, right now, put your head over your hands.

Or was it the other way around?

It's definitely the other way around.

- See? - OK.

OK, now... Now drop your gun.

You drop your gun.

No, you drop your gun.

No, you drop your gun.

I work for the Bolivian government.

- Drop your gun. - Everybody, drop your gun.

Hey, Bruno, good to see you, guy.

Not good for you, moron.

I ain't working for Rupert anymore.

What do you mean, you quit?

I'm a born again Christian now.

There's too much brutality on the streets.

Too much domestic violence.

Too much gratuitous sex.

I've decided to help society

and put a stop to all of the above.

This is a handgun destined to defend law and order.

I will not confiscate it.

- Thank you. - Use it wisely.

- Do not hurt the innocent. - I won't.

Your shining example is an inspiration to all agents.

- Frank Two! - Bruno!

You didn't go to Mexico after all.

Changed my mind, I'm not really the marrying type.

You saved me from sin.

I owe you my soul, my very existence.

Let's not exaggerate.

Do your duty, apprehend Rupert, I'll testify.

I've got my own Witness Protection Program.

I've rounded up the guards and put them in a room

where they're watching Oprah.

I'll take these people, then watch Geraldo

while you're taking care of Rupert.

I'll talk to the Chief and recommend a pardon.

Let's go, Frank. Ethel needs us.

Miss Bolivia,

or should I say Agent Maria Conchita Alvarez

Fernando Guava Santa Maria Venezuela Del Carmen...

Just call me Maria.

OK.

Excuse me.

Hello, Rupert.

Ethel.

- I thought... - You thought I ran.

This has nothing to do with Iran.

I thought you disappeared.

Ethel, let me introduce you to my wife.

- Your wife? - Of course, it's good for PR.

And me, Rupert? What was I? A passing fling?

Are you two romantically involved?

More or less.

More than less.

I must admit I have a mad crush on Ethel.

Well...

Rupert, in that case, I want a divorce.

I'll take all your money,

the house, the plane, the boat, the condo in Palm Springs,

the SL 500 and the Porsche, the big screen TV,

and the beach house in Malibu.

Ethel, if I divorce her, will you marry me?

I can't marry you, Rupert. The FBI says you're a drug lord.

Huh! What's wrong with a title?

They also say you've just lost

a hundred million dollars' worth of cocaine.

Win some, lose some.

I still have enough to buy you a wonderful life.

Cocaine, which turned out to be nothing but powdered sugar.

It was? Very amusing for the Colombians.

But then, I paid them in counterfeit money.

Gesundheit.

Oh! You recognize me, Hess.

- Gesundheim. - Thanks again.

- You're under arrest. - For what crime may I ask?

Illegal drug trafficking,

manufacture of phony currency,

conspiracy to sell ten young ladies

into the Middle East slave trade,

and wearing such a ridiculous tuxedo.

Let me introduce you to some very important people,

Mr. Gesundheim.

This is my attorney, Mr. Herskovitz

of Herskovitz and Herskovitz.

- $375 an hour. - Pleasure.

For you perhaps.

This is my other attorney.

Mr. Von Bulow of Bulow and Bulow.

- $465 an hour. - Plaisir.

And these other people,

all of them are my other attorneys,

ranging from $275 to $500 an hour.

Do you think you can make this stick in court?

- You have no witnesses. - You have no evidence.

You have no confession.

And even if you did, it would have been obtained under duress.

You have no search warrant.

And having no warrant, you are here illegally

and trespassing on private property.

All your claims are therefore null and/or voit.

- "Voit"? - Yeah, voit.

He means "void".

All of the above without prejudice

to our client's rights and remedies at law.

We will sue the Bureau for $10 million.

Plus reasonable attorney's fees and legal expenses.

Rupert, I think this is disgusting.

You're knee-high in crime, divorce and lawyers.

I'm leaving you forever.

Ethel! Ethel, come back!

Leave me alone, Rupert!

He used to beat me. Then he put salt on my wounds.

I kind of liked it, although they say salt is bad for you.

Ethel, don't leave me.

Goodbye, Rupert. I'm leaving you forever.

Don't scratch the car!

Go fuck yourself, you cheap shit.

What a woman! What a dynamite female!

Attention all units.

I'm in pursuit of suspect

chasing a male prostitute in a stolen car.

Gonna get the honky, too.

Ethel! Ethel!

Ethel, stop!

Make me!

'Hey bro, we're with you. Let's get the honky.'

Ethel, don't be silly!

Don't throw away such a magnificent opportunity!

It's all over, Rupert!

Marry me, Ethel!

I can't marry you, Rupert.

There's so many things you don't know about me.

I don't care! I still want you to marry me.

Well, then take a good look!

So you're wearing a wig, big deal, we all are.

You don't get it, Rupert!

My name's not Ethel!

It's Frank Guggenheimer. I'm a man!

Oh? Uh...

My main man. What's going down?

Step out of the car, please.

Yeah! I'm cool! I'm cool, brother.

Hey, my man, don't give me that look. I'm with you, baby.

We gotta fight the man, you know?

We gotta do the right thing, you know what I'm saying?

Fight the power!

Gimme five! Gimme!

Good work, Mr. Guggenheimer.

Thank you, Mr. Rostopovitz.

Like Rupert said,

we can only get him on a technicality.

'Hess, released on a technicality,

'is suing the LAPD for 165 million.'

'The LAPD claim

'they've already grossed 172 million...'

'Jury selection for the trial

'begins next week in Kazakhstan.'

Wait!

Wait!

I see.

What's with all this fog?

It's not fog, it's smog.

We're in L.A.

I hope this won't be a problem for Misty and Gesundheim.

They just left.

They've only got half an hour to make their plane.

Traffic must've been light.

- Who are you guys? - Frank!

Do I know you?

Come on, Frank. It's me, Misty.

- Oh, no, it's not. - Oh, yes, it is.

- Who the hell are you? - Gesundheim.

Thanks, but I didn't sneeze.

Frank, it really is me, Misty,

- or Joanne if you want. - You sure don't look it.

That's because I'm not undercover anymore.

- You mean... - Yes, you guessed right.

This is how we look in real life.

The faces you used to know? Huh!

Yes, you guessed right -

disguises the Bureau designed for us.

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

Maybe we'll meet again, Frank.

I don't think so. I'm going to pursue my acting career.

But last night we said...

Last night we said a great deal of foolish things.

You're getting on that plane. You go where you belong.

The problems of three little people

won't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

You ever get to Washington, call me.

OK, I'll give you a ring.

I hope it's a diamond.

I feel sorry for them.

They couldn't even afford a decent airline.

This is post-Zonuno America, Frank.

♪ You must remember this ♪

♪ A kiss is still a kiss ♪

Shut up, Sam!

OK.

With all due respect to sentiment and emotion,

how much can we get for the film rights, Mr. Rostopovitz?

One million, Mr. Guggenheimer.

How much for the book rights?

- 750 net, you get to produce. - And you get to direct.

I love L.A.

Frank, something tells me

this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

And that is the naked truth.

Cut!

♪ I wanna be loved by you ♪

♪ By you and nobody else but you ♪ ♪

Work with me, you little slime ball, or you're dead.

- Cut it. - It didn't go down?

Real orgasmic speed.

I fucked the line up.

Would you give it to me before I kill you?

Would you give it...?

And conspiracy to sell ten young ladies

into the Middle East drug trade.

No, fuck, shit!

Would you go for 31?

Think he's gay?

You are here illegally

and trespassing on private property.

And the beach house in Malibu.

You have a severe eyes... eyes...

- Eyesight. - Eyesight! God!

Buzz off, geek! Can't you see we're waiting for an informer?

Ladies and gentlemen, get off the plane on the...

left side of the front. Shit!

- Black Russian? - No, I'm just sort of tan.

I'm in pursuit of suspect chasing him.

You're not gonna shoot the harmonica player again tonight,

are you, Mr. Hess?

First class passengers will disembark

after the plane has landed.

All your claims are therefore null and therefore voit!

Oh, stop it! Stop that plane!

Do you have any Gray Poupon?

I need it, I want some! Give it to me!

Oh, shut up! Give me the Gray Poupon!

♪ Boop, boop-e-doop, boop! ♪

♪ I drive a Porsche for breakfast ♪

♪ Butter my Rolls Royce for lunch ♪

♪ And when my dinner is served ♪

♪ There's not a dead man's curve ♪

♪ That could keep me from flipping it once ♪

♪ Keep me from flipping it once ♪

♪ Ah, living in L.A. is a great big test ♪

♪ But they're not like all the rest ♪

♪ They got girls named "Jim" and boys called "Ruth" ♪

♪ 'Cause nobody cares whose skin you're in ♪

♪ And that's the naked truth ♪

♪ Naked truth ♪

♪ I'll take a midget to France ♪

♪ For alterations on my pants ♪

♪ All the little girls come from all around the world ♪

♪ Just to get a glimpse of me when I dance ♪

♪ Oh, get a look at me when I dance ♪

♪ Ah, living in L.A., that is really the best ♪

♪ 'Cause we're not like all the rest ♪

♪ We got people living in a telephone booth ♪

♪ Nobody cares about where you've been ♪

♪ And that's the naked truth ♪

♪ Yeah, the naked truth ♪

♪ Strip it all down to the bare essentials ♪

♪ What do you got but your own credentials ♪

♪ Sequined cowboy riding down Rodeo ♪

♪ Gonna have my espresso cappuccino hold the mayo ♪

♪ Hold the mayo, hold the mayo ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Living in L.A. is a great big test ♪

♪ 'Cause we're not like all the rest ♪

♪ We got girls named "Jim" and boys called "Ruth" ♪

♪ Nobody cares what skin you're in ♪

♪ And that's the naked truth ♪

♪ Yeah, the naked truth ♪

♪ Oh, tell no lies you can't disguise ♪

♪ That's the naked truth ♪

♪ Yeah, the naked truth ♪

♪ Oh, the naked truth ♪

♪ It's just the naked truth ♪

♪ Yeah, the naked truth ♪