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1
00:00:01,528 --> 00:00:02,268
Let's go.
2
00:00:03,051 --> 00:00:03,704
Doc.
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She has no recollection
4
00:00:04,792 --> 00:00:05,792
of the last eight years.
5
00:00:05,793 --> 00:00:06,620
Bring it on.
6
00:00:06,794 --> 00:00:07,664
I came here to help you.
7
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"Kitchen Nightmares ”
8
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Are you in.
9
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And “Going Dutch ”
10
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Pew pew pew.
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First guns I've
seen on the base.
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Let's go,
let's go.
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All available now.
14
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Oh.
15
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♪ Jingle bells jingle bells
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Hey, you. Boy.
17
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- What the hell is goin' on?
- It's Christmas, sir.
18
00:00:28,511 --> 00:00:30,644
No, it's not.
It's the middle of spring.
19
00:00:30,731 --> 00:00:32,211
And why are you talking
like that?
20
00:00:32,341 --> 00:00:34,908
I'm Tiny Tim
from A Christmas Carol.
21
00:00:34,909 --> 00:00:37,303
- We're performing it today.
- Yeah?
22
00:00:37,390 --> 00:00:39,174
You better work on that limp
'cause I ain't buying it for
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00:00:39,305 --> 00:00:42,743
a second, pal. You're not
limping, you're just hopping.
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00:00:42,830 --> 00:00:45,701
An orange if you've been
a good little soldier girl.
25
00:00:45,702 --> 00:00:48,009
Mm-hmm. Now go and decorate
the tree, of course.
26
00:00:48,140 --> 00:00:51,186
Ooh, tell me, colonel,
have you been a good boy?
27
00:00:51,317 --> 00:00:53,101
- What the hell's going on?
- Oh, you don't know?
28
00:00:53,232 --> 00:00:55,234
- No.
- During Second World War...
29
00:00:55,364 --> 00:00:56,930
Stroopsdorf
couldn't celebrate Christmas
30
00:00:56,931 --> 00:00:58,889
because we were
under enemy occupation.
31
00:00:58,976 --> 00:01:01,413
- Uh-huh. You're welcome by the--
- And after we got liberated...
32
00:01:01,414 --> 00:01:03,763
We decided
to celebrate in spring instead.
33
00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:07,549
So now we celebrate Christmas
twice a year. Twice Christmas.
34
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Wh-why are you dressed
like a real Pope?
35
00:01:09,683 --> 00:01:13,773
I'm Dutch Father Christmas,
known as Sinterklaas,
36
00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:15,775
a svelte man
who travels from Madrid
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in a tugboat full of oranges
38
00:01:17,778 --> 00:01:20,563
just to put candy
in little children's boots.
39
00:01:20,650 --> 00:01:23,131
So let me get this straight,
you're a fruit peddler
40
00:01:23,262 --> 00:01:25,351
who's got a foot fetish.
Is that the idea?
41
00:01:25,481 --> 00:01:28,223
At least it's not as idiotic
as your Santa Claus,
42
00:01:28,354 --> 00:01:31,574
that grinning mascot for your
country's obesity and the whore
43
00:01:31,705 --> 00:01:34,273
to your corporations.
Yes, I said it, a whore.
44
00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:36,535
I'm gonna give you literally
three seconds to
45
00:01:36,536 --> 00:01:38,146
disappear, or I'm gonna hit you
in the head with an--
46
00:01:38,277 --> 00:01:40,061
- Colonel, it's Twice Christmas.
- Yeah.
47
00:01:40,192 --> 00:01:41,105
And I'm gonna hit you
twice as hard.
48
00:01:41,106 --> 00:01:42,976
No, colonel,
are you crazy?
49
00:01:42,977 --> 00:01:44,718
- Ah...
- No, don't do it! Ah!
50
00:01:44,848 --> 00:01:46,372
It's-it's Christmas. Ah!
51
00:01:53,422 --> 00:01:54,944
Oh, colonel, no.
Please be a good boy.
52
00:01:54,945 --> 00:01:57,033
Ah, colonel. Ah, ah...
53
00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:59,035
Maggie. Ah, ah!
54
00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:00,603
Jan, are you okay?
55
00:02:00,734 --> 00:02:02,170
- Help me.
- What happened?
56
00:02:02,301 --> 00:02:04,955
Your father
was throwing oranges at me.
57
00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:07,088
I've never seen him so brutal.
58
00:02:07,219 --> 00:02:11,265
I should have known.
My father despises Christmas.
59
00:02:11,266 --> 00:02:13,877
Ruined every single one
till I was, like, 16.
60
00:02:14,008 --> 00:02:17,402
The day after Thanksgiving
when the decorations went up,
61
00:02:17,403 --> 00:02:21,189
that was,
that was my Black Friday.
62
00:02:21,276 --> 00:02:22,363
I'm pretty sure
that's everyone's
63
00:02:22,364 --> 00:02:23,191
Black Friday, but, yeah.
64
00:02:23,322 --> 00:02:25,106
It's gonna be everyone here's
65
00:02:25,193 --> 00:02:27,195
Black Tuesday unless I stop him
66
00:02:27,326 --> 00:02:30,154
because he will cancel
Twice Christmas.
67
00:02:30,155 --> 00:02:33,200
He will take away Christmas
68
00:02:33,201 --> 00:02:35,334
like the fussy green grump
of legend.
69
00:02:35,464 --> 00:02:37,378
There is no amount
of boo-hooing from Whoville
70
00:02:37,379 --> 00:02:39,338
that's gonna make his heart
grow any bigger.
71
00:02:39,425 --> 00:02:41,905
He already takes pills
for that, so...
72
00:02:43,211 --> 00:02:46,301
- Perfect.
- Be careful with that.
73
00:02:46,432 --> 00:02:48,433
General. Colonel.
I didn't know you'd be here.
74
00:02:48,434 --> 00:02:50,349
Also, as a quick follow-up,
why are you here?
75
00:02:50,479 --> 00:02:52,133
I admit
I'm a man of basic tastes.
76
00:02:52,264 --> 00:02:55,091
I like Michael Buble,
chicken teriyaki,
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00:02:55,092 --> 00:02:56,180
the films of Ron Howard.
78
00:02:56,181 --> 00:03:00,794
But most of all,
I love Christmas.
79
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:03,100
And this is the only place
on Earth
80
00:03:03,231 --> 00:03:04,449
where you can get it twice!
81
00:03:04,450 --> 00:03:06,407
I come here every year.
82
00:03:06,408 --> 00:03:08,453
And if I'm a lucky boy,
83
00:03:08,454 --> 00:03:11,630
Santa may make
an appearance today.
84
00:03:11,631 --> 00:03:13,067
Ha-ha!
85
00:03:14,024 --> 00:03:15,851
Okay, I thought you were joking.
86
00:03:15,852 --> 00:03:19,465
- And the joke would be?
- General...
87
00:03:19,552 --> 00:03:22,510
I got your new fit,
and it is fire.
88
00:03:22,511 --> 00:03:24,296
Let's just say my guy in Prague
knows his way around
89
00:03:24,426 --> 00:03:26,472
crushed red velvet
and white fur.
90
00:03:26,559 --> 00:03:30,344
- So you're Santa.
- I can neither confirm nor deny.
91
00:03:30,345 --> 00:03:33,129
But I can say Santa and I
have never been seen
92
00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:35,481
in the same room together.
93
00:03:38,571 --> 00:03:40,486
Listen up, I am sick of you
always ruining Christmas,
94
00:03:40,616 --> 00:03:43,706
and I am not gonna let you
Scrooge us over.
95
00:03:43,837 --> 00:03:45,707
- Ho-ho-ho. What?
- Oh, my God!
96
00:03:45,708 --> 00:03:50,060
- I can't say ho anymore?
- You look, um, festive.
97
00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:53,325
I decided to join in the fun.
98
00:03:53,455 --> 00:03:55,587
Is there a gun
pointing at you right now?
99
00:03:55,588 --> 00:03:59,592
Just a gun of intimate moments
and sexual compatibility.
100
00:03:59,722 --> 00:04:02,203
- It's starting to make sense.
- Mm-hmm.
101
00:04:02,334 --> 00:04:04,945
Yeah, your father
had reservations at first.
102
00:04:05,075 --> 00:04:06,512
- Mm...
- But upon my explanation...
103
00:04:06,642 --> 00:04:08,992
He understood
the holiday's importance
104
00:04:09,123 --> 00:04:12,518
and agreed to join in tonight
for my Twice Christmas party.
105
00:04:12,648 --> 00:04:13,562
- Mm.
- So...
106
00:04:13,693 --> 00:04:15,521
We are looking forward to
107
00:04:15,651 --> 00:04:17,304
celebrating
our first Christmas dinner
108
00:04:17,305 --> 00:04:20,613
as girlfriend and boyfriend.
109
00:04:20,743 --> 00:04:23,180
- Girlfriend and boyfriend?
- Yes.
110
00:04:23,311 --> 00:04:25,313
- Is that a problem?
- No.
111
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:28,664
I'm just, uh,
not used to the concept.
112
00:04:28,751 --> 00:04:32,451
Oh. Maybe try
blow-drying your hair.
113
00:04:32,581 --> 00:04:36,542
No, I, I meant, um,
in, in relation to, to him.
114
00:04:36,672 --> 00:04:39,196
I have heard my dad
referred to as a husband,
115
00:04:39,327 --> 00:04:41,547
an ex-husband, uh,
a phone number that I called
116
00:04:41,634 --> 00:04:43,592
to have a strange woman answer,
"Is this one of your whores?"
117
00:04:43,723 --> 00:04:46,551
This is new for me as well.
118
00:04:46,552 --> 00:04:49,685
But things have progressed
to a point
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00:04:49,816 --> 00:04:53,732
that we decided to,
as you say, make it official...
120
00:04:53,733 --> 00:04:55,342
by elevating him
121
00:04:55,343 --> 00:04:58,781
to the lead lover
in my stable of men.
122
00:04:58,868 --> 00:05:01,654
- Number one with a bullet.
- Okay, I'm gonna, um...
123
00:05:01,784 --> 00:05:03,482
- Head out.
- Where you going?
124
00:05:03,612 --> 00:05:05,658
- Some stuff to, um, throw up.
- Okay.
125
00:05:05,788 --> 00:05:08,791
- She is so repressed.
- I know. It's her mom.
126
00:05:11,577 --> 00:05:13,448
- Hey, major.
- Hey. Hey.
127
00:05:13,579 --> 00:05:14,623
Looked like
you were just about to cry.
128
00:05:14,754 --> 00:05:16,930
No, I'm good.
What are you doing here?
129
00:05:17,060 --> 00:05:19,192
Part of the deal I have with
the colonel for not kicking me
130
00:05:19,193 --> 00:05:21,674
out of the army
for being this awesome
131
00:05:21,804 --> 00:05:23,675
is that I have to keep
my awesomeness hidden
132
00:05:23,676 --> 00:05:25,634
when General Davidson is here.
So I sit in here.
133
00:05:25,765 --> 00:05:28,027
Make all-day chili
and eat it all day.
134
00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:29,420
Hm.
135
00:05:29,421 --> 00:05:31,204
Why are you hiding
in the kitchen?
136
00:05:31,205 --> 00:05:33,032
I can't take any more
of this Twice Christmas.
137
00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:34,251
It's like once is enough, right?
138
00:05:34,382 --> 00:05:36,602
- Hm, okay.
- Staying up all night.
139
00:05:36,689 --> 00:05:40,039
Wrapping presents for your
stepson, drinking Santa's milk,
140
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:45,000
googling how do reindeer eat
to best mimic carrot bites.
141
00:05:45,001 --> 00:05:46,872
But then his mom and you
split up, and
142
00:05:46,873 --> 00:05:48,830
all you're left with
are memories that taunt you.
143
00:05:48,831 --> 00:05:50,267
I didn't know you got a stepson.
144
00:05:50,398 --> 00:05:51,660
- Well, I had a stepson.
- Okay.
145
00:05:51,791 --> 00:05:53,836
I'm gonna need you
to stop there. I'm sorry, man.
146
00:05:53,923 --> 00:05:56,273
I have this weird thing where
I get super bummed when I hear
147
00:05:56,404 --> 00:05:57,753
- about dead kids.
- What?
148
00:05:57,884 --> 00:05:59,189
It's like how some people hate
the word moist.
149
00:05:59,276 --> 00:06:00,364
- I know, but--
- No, he's not dead!
150
00:06:00,365 --> 00:06:02,061
What are you talking about?
151
00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:03,542
No, I just can't
talk to him right now
152
00:06:03,629 --> 00:06:04,891
because his mom
and I are mid-divorce...
153
00:06:04,978 --> 00:06:06,675
Oh, thank God.
154
00:06:06,806 --> 00:06:08,198
Well, like your ex-wife,
155
00:06:08,329 --> 00:06:10,025
I'm gonna need some space
156
00:06:10,026 --> 00:06:11,897
because there's a part
of all-day chili
157
00:06:11,898 --> 00:06:13,769
where I end up needing to do
something else all day.
158
00:06:13,856 --> 00:06:15,554
Okay, say no more, I'm gonna go
to my office and watch
159
00:06:15,641 --> 00:06:17,338
one of those
devastating photo montages
160
00:06:17,425 --> 00:06:19,296
that my phone sends me
every day.
161
00:06:19,427 --> 00:06:21,428
- Mm-hmm. Okay.
- Yeah.
162
00:06:22,822 --> 00:06:24,300
I might chase myself out of here
163
00:06:24,301 --> 00:06:26,216
if there's another like that
in the chamber.
164
00:06:26,347 --> 00:06:28,654
Katja! Katja! Katja! Katja!
165
00:06:28,784 --> 00:06:30,307
You didn't hear me.
I was like, "Katja! Katja!"
166
00:06:30,438 --> 00:06:32,308
- Oh, that was you?
- Uh...
167
00:06:32,309 --> 00:06:35,486
I just wanted to say
thank you so much.
168
00:06:35,487 --> 00:06:38,707
Oh, please. The blow-dryer
was just a suggestion.
169
00:06:38,838 --> 00:06:42,102
- But you should take it.
- Oh, I, I meant...
170
00:06:42,232 --> 00:06:43,712
Actually, thank you for
171
00:06:43,843 --> 00:06:46,585
getting my dad on board
with Twice Christmas.
172
00:06:46,715 --> 00:06:49,239
Oh, it was nothing.
Have a nice day.
173
00:06:49,326 --> 00:06:52,764
He's always the worst
with Christmas.
174
00:06:52,765 --> 00:06:54,287
One year he actually
cut off his finger
175
00:06:54,288 --> 00:06:56,769
to get out of Christmas dinner,
which he said was an accident.
176
00:06:56,899 --> 00:06:59,728
- But I knew was not the case.
- Why are you telling me this?
177
00:06:59,859 --> 00:07:04,385
Because I promise to do my best
to wrangle him tonight.
178
00:07:04,472 --> 00:07:06,212
- Tonight?
- Yes, at the party.
179
00:07:06,213 --> 00:07:08,128
I'll keep him in check.
180
00:07:08,258 --> 00:07:11,174
Oh, that's so kind of you,
but unnecessary
181
00:07:11,305 --> 00:07:12,697
since you're not invited.
182
00:07:12,698 --> 00:07:15,526
I'm so sorry,
I didn't know, uh, that
183
00:07:15,527 --> 00:07:17,528
it was like
a-an intimate affair.
184
00:07:17,529 --> 00:07:19,574
- It's actually quite large.
- Oh.
185
00:07:19,705 --> 00:07:22,447
I just did not invite you
because I do not like you.
186
00:07:24,753 --> 00:07:25,928
Happy Twice Christmas.
187
00:07:32,413 --> 00:07:34,937
Bing-bong! Hi.
188
00:07:35,024 --> 00:07:37,766
I rang the doorbell,
but you weren't answering.
189
00:07:37,897 --> 00:07:41,422
So you decided to surprise me
through the back door.
190
00:07:41,509 --> 00:07:44,207
- Hm.
- You are your father's daughter.
191
00:07:44,294 --> 00:07:46,645
Um, I realized that I forgot
192
00:07:46,732 --> 00:07:48,603
to give you
your Twice Christmas gift.
193
00:07:48,734 --> 00:07:50,649
I just remembered once that you
said that you're an Aries.
194
00:07:50,779 --> 00:07:52,738
So it's a bracelet
with your astrological sign.
195
00:07:52,825 --> 00:07:54,783
- Yes.
- So overly thoughtful.
196
00:07:54,914 --> 00:07:56,524
It was no problem at all, um...
197
00:07:56,655 --> 00:08:00,005
Hey, while I'm here,
I was thinking about
198
00:08:00,006 --> 00:08:02,355
that little thing
that you mentioned earlier.
199
00:08:02,356 --> 00:08:05,184
- That I don't like you? Yeah.
- Yeah.
200
00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:06,969
And it occurred to me,
of course,
201
00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:10,016
you don't like me because
you don't know me. Right?
202
00:08:10,146 --> 00:08:11,887
And if we just get to know
each other, you'd--
203
00:08:11,974 --> 00:08:14,149
Please let me save you
from embarrassment.
204
00:08:14,150 --> 00:08:15,369
Oh, of course. Thank you.
205
00:08:15,500 --> 00:08:17,196
The very reason
I do not like you
206
00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:18,589
is because I do know you.
207
00:08:18,590 --> 00:08:21,418
You are a people-pleaser
who uses gifts
208
00:08:21,549 --> 00:08:24,987
as currency in a doomed economy
of validation.
209
00:08:25,074 --> 00:08:26,988
Which is why you still dress
like you're eight years old
210
00:08:26,989 --> 00:08:31,472
because all you truly want
is daddy's approval.
211
00:08:31,603 --> 00:08:33,126
- Well, embarrassment saved.
- Yeah.
212
00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:34,910
You came here to please me,
213
00:08:34,997 --> 00:08:37,172
so I might tell him to love you.
214
00:08:37,173 --> 00:08:40,088
- But I'm not your mommy.
- Oh.
215
00:08:40,089 --> 00:08:43,657
I will not suckle you. Heh.
You cannot afford it.
216
00:08:43,658 --> 00:08:47,182
No, I'm here because you are
in a relationship with my daddy.
217
00:08:47,183 --> 00:08:48,837
With my dad.
218
00:08:48,968 --> 00:08:51,797
And I figured that we should
219
00:08:51,884 --> 00:08:54,582
also have a relationship.
That's all.
220
00:08:54,713 --> 00:08:56,540
Um...
221
00:08:56,541 --> 00:08:59,412
- But I'll--
- No. You know what?
222
00:08:59,413 --> 00:09:01,632
Maybe I misread you.
223
00:09:01,633 --> 00:09:03,504
- Let us start again.
- Yes.
224
00:09:03,635 --> 00:09:06,463
Would you mind giving me a hand
to prepare dinner?
225
00:09:06,594 --> 00:09:09,466
- We are making venison.
- Oh, yum.
226
00:09:09,597 --> 00:09:11,164
Yes, I would love to.
How can I help?
227
00:09:13,122 --> 00:09:14,602
Aw...
228
00:09:16,038 --> 00:09:17,953
Kill the baby.
229
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:19,475
- Sorry?
- Uh, the fawn.
230
00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:22,741
- Kill it for dinner.
- Kill the baby fawn?
231
00:09:22,871 --> 00:09:25,569
- Yes. The big one is too tough.
- Right. And the big one is...
232
00:09:25,570 --> 00:09:27,440
- The mother. Hm.
- The mother. Right.
233
00:09:27,441 --> 00:09:29,530
I could kill the baby
in front of its mother.
234
00:09:29,617 --> 00:09:31,445
It's, um. it's reverse Bambi.
235
00:09:31,576 --> 00:09:33,489
- Right.
- Okay. Yeah. Right.
236
00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:35,404
I am a trained soldier,
you know?
237
00:09:35,405 --> 00:09:37,493
- And I am...
- Yes.
238
00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:39,496
Trained to kill the enemy. Okay.
239
00:09:41,063 --> 00:09:43,109
You will take the life
of this beautiful creature?
240
00:09:43,239 --> 00:09:45,371
No, I didn't want to,
but you asked. I didn't want to.
241
00:09:45,372 --> 00:09:47,548
I didn't wanna kill it. I love
Bambi. I didn't wanna do it.
242
00:09:47,679 --> 00:09:49,723
So you did it
because I asked you nicely?
243
00:09:49,724 --> 00:09:51,421
If I asked you nicely, you would
betray your own feelings
244
00:09:51,552 --> 00:09:53,727
and slaughter little Luna?
245
00:09:53,728 --> 00:09:56,817
- Oh, God. I'm sorry.
- Go home, Captain Quinn.
246
00:09:56,818 --> 00:09:57,863
Um...
247
00:09:59,386 --> 00:10:00,821
It would have been quick.
248
00:10:02,563 --> 00:10:05,260
Major, I got good news.
249
00:10:05,261 --> 00:10:07,002
So I reached out
to your ex-wife Celeste.
250
00:10:07,089 --> 00:10:08,743
- You did what?
- And...
251
00:10:08,874 --> 00:10:13,138
I Face-Timed with your
beautiful ex-wife Celeste.
252
00:10:13,139 --> 00:10:17,708
Corporal, do not mistake
my kindness for weakness.
253
00:10:17,709 --> 00:10:19,885
- Don't mess with my family.
- Relax.
254
00:10:20,015 --> 00:10:25,673
Celeste and I had
very little chemistry when we...
255
00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:28,980
What is going on here?
256
00:10:28,981 --> 00:10:31,026
Just trying to decide which
of the 12 objects on my desk
257
00:10:31,113 --> 00:10:32,680
I will use to kill you with.
258
00:10:32,767 --> 00:10:35,335
- A pen?
- It's too fast. Mm-hmm.
259
00:10:35,465 --> 00:10:38,686
Okay, well, I spoke to Gabriel.
260
00:10:38,773 --> 00:10:40,688
- Gabriel.
- And he made you a video.
261
00:10:40,775 --> 00:10:42,603
Saying hi.
That's why I came in here.
262
00:10:42,690 --> 00:10:46,215
Sit down, please. Just one...
263
00:10:49,741 --> 00:10:52,003
Hi, Abe,
your friend convinced mom
264
00:10:52,004 --> 00:10:54,180
to let me send a message.
How is Netherlands?
265
00:10:54,310 --> 00:10:56,182
I wanna show you
something I've been working on.
266
00:10:56,312 --> 00:10:58,706
Oh, he's bringing out his tuba!
267
00:10:58,793 --> 00:11:00,186
- We're in for a treat.
- Yeah.
268
00:11:02,797 --> 00:11:04,277
This is one of the best gifts
anyone's ever gotten me.
269
00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:06,147
- So thank you.
- Gabriel!
270
00:11:06,148 --> 00:11:09,543
- Time for dinner!
- Abe, I gotta go.
271
00:11:09,674 --> 00:11:12,110
Terrence made us smash burgers!
272
00:11:12,111 --> 00:11:13,329
Terrence! Terrence!
273
00:11:16,158 --> 00:11:18,594
Who the hell is Terrence?
274
00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:21,381
You are not
going to believe this.
275
00:11:21,511 --> 00:11:24,645
Katja doesn't like me.
276
00:11:24,776 --> 00:11:26,559
- You already knew that.
- Yeah.
277
00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:28,169
I thought it was pretty obvious.
278
00:11:28,170 --> 00:11:29,868
- Why would it be obvious?
- I don't know.
279
00:11:29,955 --> 00:11:31,783
Look on her face
every time you enter a room.
280
00:11:31,913 --> 00:11:34,176
- That would be one clue.
- Ah.
281
00:11:34,307 --> 00:11:35,699
And you're-you're okay
with this, with the fact
282
00:11:35,700 --> 00:11:37,658
that your girlfriend hates me?
283
00:11:37,789 --> 00:11:40,008
Okay, listen.
She doesn't hate you. That...
284
00:11:40,139 --> 00:11:43,184
You know, she just doesn't
like you, you know, a lot.
285
00:11:43,185 --> 00:11:46,449
- Oh. No.
- That bothers you?
286
00:11:46,580 --> 00:11:47,973
Maybe. Yes, a lot.
287
00:11:48,103 --> 00:11:49,930
The whole army
basically hates my guts.
288
00:11:49,931 --> 00:11:51,890
- And I-I couldn't care less.
- Yeah.
289
00:11:52,020 --> 00:11:54,849
And, like, what, two people,
you know, don't...
290
00:11:54,980 --> 00:11:56,371
I shouldn't have said
two people don't like you.
291
00:11:56,372 --> 00:11:57,590
- Two people?
- No.
292
00:11:57,591 --> 00:11:58,679
- I'm not giving--
- What're their names?
293
00:11:58,810 --> 00:11:59,767
- I'm not...
- Tell me their names.
294
00:11:59,898 --> 00:12:02,204
I am busy sucking it up,
getting ready
295
00:12:02,335 --> 00:12:05,032
to get myself
to Katja's Christmas dinner.
296
00:12:05,033 --> 00:12:06,818
I don't remember
you ever sucking it up
297
00:12:06,948 --> 00:12:09,428
for any of my Christmases
growing up.
298
00:12:09,429 --> 00:12:11,126
You know why?
Didn't have a strategy.
299
00:12:11,257 --> 00:12:12,867
If you think about it,
these parties, the dinners,
300
00:12:12,998 --> 00:12:14,868
all of it,
it's like a land war, right?
301
00:12:14,869 --> 00:12:17,132
- Hm.
- What solves that? Tanks.
302
00:12:17,219 --> 00:12:22,007
So I am taking the tank
to her Christmas dinner.
303
00:12:22,137 --> 00:12:24,052
Wait, is this a metaphor,
or are you actually
304
00:12:24,183 --> 00:12:25,575
bringing a tank to a party?
305
00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:26,925
Yes. Can you believe
it took me this long?
306
00:12:27,012 --> 00:12:29,014
To come up
with that concept? Tsk.
307
00:12:29,144 --> 00:12:31,799
This Terrence guy,
he just shows up in my
308
00:12:31,886 --> 00:12:32,973
family's life, and I don't know
anything about it.
309
00:12:32,974 --> 00:12:36,238
Nobody even talks to me
about this? Terrence.
310
00:12:36,369 --> 00:12:38,196
What kind of a guy
has a name like Terrence?
311
00:12:38,197 --> 00:12:42,027
Terrance McDowell.
Sorry, man. That's a hot name.
312
00:12:42,114 --> 00:12:44,071
How do I know that this guy
is safe to be around?
313
00:12:44,072 --> 00:12:46,421
He could be like a killer
or a thief,
314
00:12:46,422 --> 00:12:48,598
or one of those cartoonists who
are really good at their job,
315
00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:51,601
but they also draw your flaws
in, like, a really mean way.
316
00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:53,038
- Hm.
- Find out more.
317
00:12:53,168 --> 00:12:54,822
Well, that's kind of the problem
because
318
00:12:54,909 --> 00:12:57,129
this guy has, like,
zero digital footprint.
319
00:12:57,259 --> 00:13:00,087
Okay, there's this Facebook
profile that he deleted in 2011
320
00:13:00,088 --> 00:13:02,047
where he lists
his favorite band as Train.
321
00:13:04,266 --> 00:13:05,964
Ah!
322
00:13:06,094 --> 00:13:07,922
I love my stepson.
323
00:13:08,053 --> 00:13:10,533
I can't stand idly by
and let him meet Virginia.
324
00:13:10,664 --> 00:13:13,448
Anything more would require,
like, a security clearance
325
00:13:13,449 --> 00:13:16,017
above you. Even the colonel.
326
00:13:17,410 --> 00:13:18,890
But not General Davidson.
327
00:13:23,851 --> 00:13:25,939
♪ Fa-la la-la-la la-la la-la ♪
328
00:13:25,940 --> 00:13:28,420
Ho-ho-ho!
And what do you want from Santa?
329
00:13:28,421 --> 00:13:31,206
For him to authorize
330
00:13:31,293 --> 00:13:33,426
domestic surveillance
of an American citizen.
331
00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:35,776
More specifically, my soon-to-be
ex-wife's new boyfriend.
332
00:13:35,907 --> 00:13:37,951
- That's a hell of an ask, major.
- Nah.
333
00:13:37,952 --> 00:13:42,565
And that boy asked
for a body pillow for humping?
334
00:13:42,696 --> 00:13:44,697
It's your fateful companionship.
335
00:13:44,698 --> 00:13:46,133
Geert, if you were a dog,
336
00:13:46,134 --> 00:13:47,831
they would have neutered you
for less.
337
00:13:47,832 --> 00:13:49,311
Mm-hmm.
338
00:13:53,228 --> 00:13:54,795
I am confused.
339
00:13:54,882 --> 00:13:57,450
- Why are you upon my doorstep?
- Oh.
340
00:13:57,537 --> 00:13:59,103
I'm crashing your party, uninvited.
341
00:13:59,104 --> 00:14:01,584
- Do you like that?
- No, I do not like that.
342
00:14:01,715 --> 00:14:05,110
Oh, good.
You're gonna love this. No gift.
343
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:08,809
Would a people-pleaser
crash a party with no gift?
344
00:14:08,896 --> 00:14:11,812
I don't think so. Heh-heh.
345
00:14:11,943 --> 00:14:13,552
But I am, I am gonna need you
to take this
346
00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:15,250
since I am not an animal.
347
00:14:15,337 --> 00:14:18,601
So just take that,
and I'm gonna crash this way.
348
00:14:18,688 --> 00:14:20,560
Merry Christmas, y'all!
349
00:14:22,736 --> 00:14:26,958
Everyone,
this is Captain Margaret Quinn.
350
00:14:27,088 --> 00:14:29,482
- Hi.
- She is Patrick's daughter.
351
00:14:29,569 --> 00:14:31,005
She was not invited.
352
00:14:33,442 --> 00:14:36,662
Hi, everyone, um, I'm just here
to prove to Katja
353
00:14:36,663 --> 00:14:40,841
that I am not a people-pleaser.
I don't care if Katja likes me.
354
00:14:40,972 --> 00:14:42,408
Actually, don't care
if any of you guys like me.
355
00:14:44,540 --> 00:14:47,065
- That's super look.
- Dana.
356
00:14:47,152 --> 00:14:48,674
- What are you doing here?
- I was invited.
357
00:14:48,675 --> 00:14:51,634
Fantastic!
358
00:14:51,765 --> 00:14:54,028
Everyone.
359
00:14:54,159 --> 00:14:57,596
Uh, dinner will be served
very shortly.
360
00:14:57,597 --> 00:14:59,990
Ah, raw meat. Disgusting.
361
00:14:59,991 --> 00:15:02,732
- It's gourmetten.
- Gourmetten.
362
00:15:02,863 --> 00:15:04,603
- Gourmetten.
- Yeah.
363
00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:06,301
Yes, we grill our food.
364
00:15:06,432 --> 00:15:09,564
So we have to cook it
before we eat it. Oh, God.
365
00:15:09,565 --> 00:15:14,092
Are we guests at this dinner
or are we working it? Heh.
366
00:15:14,179 --> 00:15:16,267
No wonder
she didn't get invited.
367
00:15:16,268 --> 00:15:18,444
- The whole spread is, uh...
- Beautiful.
368
00:15:18,574 --> 00:15:20,663
Bad. Yuck.
369
00:15:20,794 --> 00:15:24,231
You are a little baby.
370
00:15:24,232 --> 00:15:26,059
Now you go find your father
and tell him
371
00:15:26,060 --> 00:15:29,019
he cannot let his little baby
wander around my party.
372
00:15:31,805 --> 00:15:33,762
- Oh, hey. Uh-huh!
- Hey.
373
00:15:33,763 --> 00:15:37,027
I get it. This is the tank.
374
00:15:37,028 --> 00:15:39,813
Every terrestrial campaign
has been won by armor,
375
00:15:39,944 --> 00:15:41,902
including this one tonight.
376
00:15:42,033 --> 00:15:43,991
I've never seen you drink
white wine in my life.
377
00:15:44,078 --> 00:15:46,515
Oh, no, this is 90% vodka,
'cause...
378
00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:48,821
Otherwise, I'm gonna kill
somebody out there. I need...
379
00:15:48,822 --> 00:15:49,910
Oh!
- Here you are, colonel.
380
00:15:49,997 --> 00:15:52,913
Beatrix, you found me again.
Heh-heh.
381
00:15:53,044 --> 00:15:54,392
Beatrix was telling me for, um,
382
00:15:54,393 --> 00:15:58,005
for a long time
about how she makes chairs
383
00:15:58,092 --> 00:16:00,268
that are uncomfortable
for people to sit in. Yeah.
384
00:16:00,399 --> 00:16:03,706
Human comfort is not the reason
for an object to exist.
385
00:16:03,837 --> 00:16:05,533
It is the reason
chairs exist, though.
386
00:16:05,534 --> 00:16:07,318
You know, my foot's killing me,
I'm gonna go in the kitchen
387
00:16:07,319 --> 00:16:09,451
and take some aspirin. And,
uh-- No, no, you should stay.
388
00:16:09,582 --> 00:16:11,452
This is a very interesting
conversation. I can't...
389
00:16:11,453 --> 00:16:12,758
- You can't?
- Because my foot hurts. Yeah.
390
00:16:12,759 --> 00:16:14,500
Make a hole. There we go.
391
00:16:14,630 --> 00:16:16,893
Ah. Ah, you got me again.
392
00:16:17,024 --> 00:16:18,764
I think you didn't hear me
the first time.
393
00:16:18,765 --> 00:16:20,810
Excuse me, make a hole!
394
00:16:22,290 --> 00:16:24,292
- Move! Move it.
- I should probably...
395
00:16:24,423 --> 00:16:27,165
When I place my butt
on Beatrix's chairs,
396
00:16:27,295 --> 00:16:30,690
the beating life
of its creators enters me.
397
00:16:30,820 --> 00:16:33,823
Well, I wish I had a tank.
398
00:16:36,609 --> 00:16:38,567
Oh, it is exhausting
399
00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:40,308
being that rude. I don't know
how you do it all the time.
400
00:16:40,439 --> 00:16:43,398
- It takes years of practice.
- What are you doing?
401
00:16:43,529 --> 00:16:46,835
Feeling, like, boxed in.
Like, I need an escape plan.
402
00:16:46,836 --> 00:16:49,317
Here it is. Okay, you take that.
403
00:16:49,448 --> 00:16:51,102
You're gonna cut off
one of my fingers.
404
00:16:51,232 --> 00:16:53,929
Why does everyone
keep handing me knives?
405
00:16:53,930 --> 00:16:55,410
Here we go. Let's go, pinky.
406
00:16:55,497 --> 00:16:57,195
It's good for both of us
'cause you'll have to take me
407
00:16:57,282 --> 00:16:58,761
to the hospital.
We'll both get out of here.
408
00:16:58,892 --> 00:17:00,720
- No, you wish.
- Very disappointing.
409
00:17:00,850 --> 00:17:03,070
So you did cut off your pinky
in 1994.
410
00:17:03,201 --> 00:17:05,898
- Yes, this one.
- I knew it!
411
00:17:05,899 --> 00:17:07,073
You know, you're always
on this thing about,
412
00:17:07,074 --> 00:17:09,162
like, we're not close enough and
413
00:17:09,163 --> 00:17:10,904
blah, blah, blah,
do stuff together.
414
00:17:11,035 --> 00:17:12,513
Can I have
some of the vodka wine?
415
00:17:12,514 --> 00:17:13,515
Yeah, it's strapped under
416
00:17:13,646 --> 00:17:14,255
my scooter.
417
00:17:16,953 --> 00:17:18,258
There's not enough
vodka wine
418
00:17:18,259 --> 00:17:20,347
in the world
to numb me to these morons.
419
00:17:20,348 --> 00:17:22,480
Beatrix followed me around
for 20 minutes lecturing me
420
00:17:22,481 --> 00:17:25,178
about how ottomans
aren't just backless chairs.
421
00:17:25,179 --> 00:17:26,746
- Like, I need to know that.
- I don't get it.
422
00:17:26,876 --> 00:17:29,748
Why don't you just tell Katja
that you hate it, and leave?
423
00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:33,100
No. You don't tell the truth
in a situation like this.
424
00:17:33,187 --> 00:17:34,580
What are you, nuts?
Here's what we could do.
425
00:17:34,710 --> 00:17:37,147
You could step it up a notch,
cause a scene.
426
00:17:37,148 --> 00:17:38,713
You could cut
one of your fingers off.
427
00:17:38,714 --> 00:17:41,891
You want me to ruin Christmas?
428
00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:45,503
I'm not doing this anymore,
and I'm not gonna be unlikable
429
00:17:45,504 --> 00:17:48,636
just for one person to like me.
430
00:17:48,637 --> 00:17:51,249
- I'm gonna go save Christmas.
- All right, I'm coming.
431
00:17:51,379 --> 00:17:53,120
I'm gonna save this Christmas
so hard.
432
00:17:53,251 --> 00:17:54,512
Wrong leg.
433
00:17:54,513 --> 00:17:56,209
Thanks again
for helping with this, general.
434
00:17:56,210 --> 00:17:58,169
Honestly, Shah,
I sympathize with you.
435
00:17:58,299 --> 00:18:00,258
I mean, all my exes
have new boyfriends
436
00:18:00,388 --> 00:18:01,694
and they all look like
the next bachelor
437
00:18:01,824 --> 00:18:03,738
and not the golden ones.
438
00:18:03,739 --> 00:18:07,091
All right, what did I miss
on this Train-loving clown?
439
00:18:09,180 --> 00:18:12,399
- You're in the army?
- Oh, yeah.
440
00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:15,838
Sorry, I got sick
of hiding in the closet
441
00:18:15,969 --> 00:18:17,405
and I ran out of chili, so...
442
00:18:17,536 --> 00:18:21,539
You must drive
the colonel insane!
443
00:18:21,540 --> 00:18:24,499
- I live in his head rent-free.
- Ha! I love it.
444
00:18:24,630 --> 00:18:27,762
Santa is going to give you
all the cookies you can eat.
445
00:18:27,763 --> 00:18:29,939
- Shah.
- Uh...
446
00:18:30,070 --> 00:18:32,768
We, uh, input the coordinates,
447
00:18:32,899 --> 00:18:35,553
we use the eye in the sky,
448
00:18:35,554 --> 00:18:38,469
and we watch your ex's house.
449
00:18:38,470 --> 00:18:40,428
Okay, just to make sure they're
in good hands, that's all.
450
00:18:40,559 --> 00:18:42,996
Ah, we have a visual.
451
00:18:43,127 --> 00:18:44,127
They're having a catch.
452
00:18:44,128 --> 00:18:47,130
- Hm.
- Gabriel seems fine.
453
00:18:47,131 --> 00:18:49,611
Yeah, he's doing okay.
All right.
454
00:18:49,698 --> 00:18:52,179
- I may have overreacted.
- Well, you miss him.
455
00:18:52,266 --> 00:18:54,964
And he misses you, too.
And so does Celeste.
456
00:18:55,051 --> 00:18:56,314
'Cause I took it upon myself
to send her
457
00:18:56,444 --> 00:18:58,751
a series of very flirtatious
messages,
458
00:18:58,838 --> 00:19:00,187
hitting on her super hard.
459
00:19:00,318 --> 00:19:03,058
She didn't bite. Not one bit.
460
00:19:03,059 --> 00:19:05,017
Okay, what are you doing
with Celeste in your...
461
00:19:05,018 --> 00:19:07,499
Okay, this isn't even about me
and her, but, yeah, I'll call
462
00:19:07,629 --> 00:19:09,630
her and I'll ask if I can
start Face-Timing with Gabriel.
463
00:19:09,631 --> 00:19:11,371
- Perfect.
- You're welcome.
464
00:19:11,372 --> 00:19:12,416
Stop texting my exes.
465
00:19:12,417 --> 00:19:14,374
I'm not
gonna stop texting Stacy.
466
00:19:14,375 --> 00:19:16,376
- Wait, Stacy from summer camp?
- Yeah.
467
00:19:16,377 --> 00:19:19,379
Her marriage is hanging on
by a thread.
468
00:19:19,380 --> 00:19:20,946
- Tok.
- Okay.
469
00:19:22,209 --> 00:19:26,256
Oh. Ha-ha. Excuse me, everybody.
470
00:19:26,257 --> 00:19:28,346
- I would like to make a toast...
- Ahem.
471
00:19:28,433 --> 00:19:31,217
That there are so many
different walks of life
472
00:19:31,218 --> 00:19:33,828
represented around this table.
473
00:19:33,829 --> 00:19:34,960
- Mm-hmm. And chairs.
- Oh.
474
00:19:34,961 --> 00:19:37,355
Yes, Beatrix, and chairs.
475
00:19:37,485 --> 00:19:39,834
Isn't that the meaning
of-of Twice Christmas,
476
00:19:39,835 --> 00:19:44,449
having a second chance
to gather in peace and harmony
477
00:19:44,536 --> 00:19:47,059
around this beautiful meal,
around this table?
478
00:19:47,060 --> 00:19:48,887
Oh, Maggie!
479
00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:50,018
- Oh, God.
- Oh, my God.
480
00:19:50,019 --> 00:19:52,283
- Ah... Oh.
- Oh, I told you.
481
00:19:52,413 --> 00:19:54,414
- You have got to stop drinking.
- What is...
482
00:19:54,415 --> 00:19:56,329
I'm gonna take her
to the hospital.
483
00:19:56,330 --> 00:19:58,463
And then to the rehab center.
You did a great job.
484
00:19:58,550 --> 00:20:00,115
- I did not do this on purpose.
- Okay.
485
00:20:00,116 --> 00:20:02,380
- I will take her.
- What?
486
00:20:02,510 --> 00:20:05,512
I understand the bureaucracies
of social medicine.
487
00:20:05,513 --> 00:20:07,298
I'll drive both you guys
to the hospital, then, and...
488
00:20:07,428 --> 00:20:09,299
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- No!
489
00:20:09,300 --> 00:20:11,258
You must stay, it's your
first Twice Christmas.
490
00:20:11,345 --> 00:20:13,912
I don't want you
to cut off your jubilation.
491
00:20:13,913 --> 00:20:15,870
- Come on, baby.
- Okay. No, I'm...
492
00:20:15,871 --> 00:20:19,701
- Happy Christmas, everybody.
- Twice. Twice Christmas.
493
00:20:19,832 --> 00:20:22,443
Yeah, forget it. I don't know
about you guys, but...
494
00:20:25,533 --> 00:20:27,535
Here's to jubilation.
495
00:20:30,930 --> 00:20:32,932
You don't have to wait with me.
496
00:20:33,062 --> 00:20:34,889
I know you do not like me.
497
00:20:34,890 --> 00:20:38,719
And you don't have to pretend to
just 'cause I'm, uh, injured.
498
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:40,592
I did not like you.
499
00:20:40,722 --> 00:20:43,203
And you are a people-pleaser
who craves attention.
500
00:20:43,334 --> 00:20:46,597
But you were also a crazy woman
501
00:20:46,598 --> 00:20:49,165
at my Twice Christmas dinner.
I like that.
502
00:20:49,296 --> 00:20:51,298
Some of my favorite people
are a little bit crazy.
503
00:20:51,385 --> 00:20:54,649
- Oh. Yeah.
- Your father. My lover Julia.
504
00:20:54,780 --> 00:20:58,305
Although we don't say crazy.
She's diagnosed bipolar.
505
00:20:58,436 --> 00:21:01,787
Well, what I'm hearing is that
506
00:21:01,917 --> 00:21:03,528
I'm one of your favorite people.
507
00:21:03,658 --> 00:21:06,008
Oh, not even close.
508
00:21:06,139 --> 00:21:08,923
But you owned your insanity.
509
00:21:08,924 --> 00:21:11,275
- Ah.
- I like you 13% more.
510
00:21:13,755 --> 00:21:14,887
Yes!
511
00:21:16,018 --> 00:21:17,542
Next year it'll be 20.
512
00:21:19,979 --> 00:21:22,589
Tables come
in a variety of sizes.
513
00:21:22,590 --> 00:21:24,331
Yeah, but it's not really
about the size of the table.
514
00:21:24,418 --> 00:21:25,463
More like the size of the room.
515
00:21:25,550 --> 00:21:27,115
Especially once you
introduce
516
00:21:27,116 --> 00:21:28,248
the concept of shapes.
517
00:21:28,335 --> 00:21:29,292
Yeah, which you must.
518
00:21:29,293 --> 00:21:30,598
- You absolutely--
- Oh.
519
00:21:30,729 --> 00:21:34,340
Shut up with the shapes!
520
00:21:34,341 --> 00:21:38,431
That's it. I'm out! I've had it.
521
00:21:38,432 --> 00:21:41,782
That's right. Yeah, I can walk.
It's a Christmas miracle.
522
00:21:41,783 --> 00:21:44,176
Ooh, God bless us, everyone.
523
00:21:44,177 --> 00:21:46,266
Except you, with the weird hat.
524
00:21:46,397 --> 00:21:47,833
We know you have
an oddly-shaped head.
525
00:21:47,963 --> 00:21:50,009
You can go to furniture hell.
Oh, wait a minute.
526
00:21:50,139 --> 00:21:52,272
We're in it! Ha-ha-ha.
527
00:21:52,359 --> 00:21:54,405
It's going so well!
38735
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