Original subtitles

There's a place you gotta go

For learning all you oughta know about the facts of life

The facts of life

When your books are what you're there about

But looks are what you care about

The time is right to learn the facts of life

When the world never seems

To be living up to your dreams

It's time you started finding out

What everything is all about

When the boys you used to hate you date

I guess you best investigate the facts of life

You gotta get 'em right

The facts of life

The facts of life

The facts of life

Look, Sue Ann, I know you're my best friend,

and I know you loaned me your entire allowance...

at well below prime rate,

but I can't tell you the secret.

- Blair, I swear I won't breathe a word. - On your mother's life?

Blair, she's only 41.

Okay. On your dog's life.

Well, okay. Forgive me, Tiger.

I swear on Tiger's life that I won't say anything. Now what's the secret?

I got you into "The Group" with me.

Oh, fantastic! I was hoping that's what it was.

But Tumpy's coming over to tell you herself, so you've got to act surprised.

Oh, I don't have to act. I am. Was it hard to get me in?

Not after I paid them $5,000.

Five thousand dollars?

That's the biggest gyp I... Hi, girls.

Uh, I was just looking for my skate key behind there.

Tootie, shoe skates don't have keys.

No wonder I couldn't find it.

Tootie, you don't mind if we talk privately, do you?

- No. Go right ahead. - Alone?

Okay, I'll leave.

But I'm gonna tell your dog, Tiger, he's a dead duck.

Now what's this about $5,000?

Naturally, I was kidding.

Why should it be hard to get a girl like you in The Group?

Well, they're all seniors. And aren't they supposed to be fast and snobby?

No. They're just like me...

Warm and understanding.

Did you tell them that I'm kind of square?

Sue Ann, you can't help the way you're built.

And that I'm a scholarship student? Of course.

And that I'm from Kansas City? Are you crazy?

Now, we're meeting after dinner in Tumpy Barksdale's room.

And just don't be shocked, okay? Shocked? Why?

- Shh! - Blair, every time we see you lately, you go, "Shh!"

Yeah. It's like eavesdropping on a leaky tire.

Since you became a member of The Group,

everything's a big secret.

Let's go.

Now, remember, Blair, we've got to get back early,

'cause I got to finish that book report. Okay, okay, okay.

Now, I'd put the stereo over here and the speakers right here. Hi, girls.

I was just telling Mr. Bradley...

how culturally stimulating it would be to have music in the common room.

Really. Neat.

So, if Mr. Bradley would be generous enough to kick in some matching funds,

we could get ourselves a stereo.

Well, I think we could find some money in the Arts Fund.

- We'll just mark it off to Music Appreciation. - Oh, I'd sure appreciate it.

But I expect you to play a broad spectrum of music, not just disco.

Oh, of course. Uh, we'll do our knee bends to Beethoven...

and a few "viggles" with "Vahgner."

I'll see what I can do.

Look, uh, I've got a parents' conference.

I got to get out of this whistle and into my sincere suit.

Good morning, Mr. Bradley. You're looking fit. Really.

Thank you, girls.

- Hi, Tumpy, Emily. - Hi, Mrs. Garrett.

Are you sure we can't lure you over to our dorm?

Really. We could use some young blood over there.

Oh, well, my blood thanks you, and I thank you.

Really.

Sue Ann, I have only one thing to say to you. You're one of us.

- Are you kidding me? I don't believe it! - You told her.

It's all right. It's all right.

We'll see you tonight. Later.

What did you mean before when you told me not be shocked about The Group?

This should give you a hint.

Blair, lipstick doesn't shock me.

To an outsider, it's lipstick.

To a member of The Group...

Mari... juana? Shh!

- Do you smoke pot? - No! But everyone in The Group does.

And tonight, we are part of The Group.

Mrs. Garrett, Blair and Sue Ann are getting ready to go to Tumpy's room,

better known as Snob City.

Yeah, they said to go ahead and discuss the new stereo without 'em.

No problem. I'll show them the stuff in the morning.

The man at the stereo store said that the Yamaguchi system is the state of the art.

Look. "The speakers have woofers, tweeters and mid-range drivers.

"The tape deck has a digital pulse-count detector and a low-distortion power meter.

And, of course, the receiver has ultra-stable, quartz-locked tuning."

Does it play music?

I have no idea.

Mrs. Garrett, I don't think we should buy a Yamaguchi stereo.

If we don't start buying American products, our economy is going into the toilet.

Delicately put, Molly.

Molly, Yamaguchi is an American company.

Yeah, they gave it a Japanese name so people

would have more confidence in the quality.

We're checking out, Mrs. Garrett. We'll be back before curfew.

- Toodle-oo. - I wonder what it's like to be in The Group.

It's probably like walking into some snooty country club.

How are you, Tumpy? Just fine, Poopy.

Do you know Bippy and Dippy and Snitsy?

Oh, yes, they're fun people.

How about Kiki and Mugsy and Poopsi?

It's not really fair to make fun of other people's names, Tootie!

I'm checking out, Mrs. Garrett. I have an early date with Roger.

I can see you're really looking forward to it.

I am. I'm absolutely going out of my mind with excitement.

Well, when you calm down, maybe you'll tell me what's wrong.

Nothing.

I can tell you what's wrong.

My sources tell me that Blair couldn't get Nancy into The Group.

And who are your sources, Tootie?

Lefty and Righty.

Oh, Nancy, there's some people who only feel important...

when they're keeping other people out.

I remember back in my hometown.

Oh, there was this bunch of girls that raised pedigreed poodles.

Well, I wanted so badly to be a part of their crowd.

But my dog was a mutt, so they wouldn't even talk to me.

- So you never got into their clique? - No, but my doggy did.

For the next 10 years, there wasn't one purebred poodle in the county.

I see what you mean. It is kind of silly.

Yeah. Come on, Nancy. Let's put a flower in your hair.

Okay.

Hey, Nat, how about you and me starting our own exclusive clique?

You and me? You call that exclusive?

We will be as soon as I find out all the secret stuff...

the girls in The Group do.

How are you gonna do that? You'll never get into Tumpy's room.

Oh, yes, I will.

It's as simple as one...

two, three. What's that?

- Their secret knock. - It's not a secret anymore.

Oh, that must be Bitsy.

Oh, hey, you're not Bitsy.

And I'm not Poopsi or Snitsy either.

Tootie!

So this is how the other half lives.

You better bolt it up, Tump.

- What are you doing here? - Um, Mrs. Garrett wants to know...

if you prefer an eight-track or a cassette player on our stereo.

We're all taking a vote.

That could have waited, Tootie.

Like, I've got a stereo to sell. Look.

Tell old Garrett it's a steal at $175.

Tumpy, you said that was one of those expensive German stereos,

and your parents paid $500 for it.

Well, what's money between friends?

Does this mean I'm in The Group?

No, it means I need the cash. Okay.

Hey!

Isn't this one of these bong things I've seen at the record store?

What do you hit it with to make it bong?

Hey, she's a riot.

You don't hit it.

It hits you.

You put jelly beans in it. Oh, come on.

Let's show her what it really does.

She's too young for that.

To burn jelly beans?

Good-bye, Tootie.

Sheesh!

I'm out before I'm in.

I'm goin'.

Tumpy, what's wrong with you?

You don't offer a kid Tootie's age pot.

Oh, hey, I was just kidding.

I just don't feel like getting spaced out, and... and giggling at stupid jokes,

and... and not being able to finish a thought.

And look at her.

She's lost the power of speech.

I'm gonna pass.

Mrs. Garrett, Sue Ann's feeling a little better. She'll be down in a few minutes.

Oh, good. Uh, now back to this instrument.

All those switches. When it comes to hi-fi, I'm very low-fi.

Ready, Mrs. Garrett? Ready.

I hope this is the...

Oh, I just love Tumpy's stereo, but I wish it spoke English.

That makes sense. "Louder knob."

There. It works perfectly.

Oh, but now my head doesn't.

I can't understand why Tumpy sold this so cheap.

I would never have bought it if she didn't give us a signed note from her mother.

I hope she didn't forge it.

We only do that with report cards.

Are you sure you feel okay, Sue Ann?

Yeah. I'll be all right.

Hey, listen. The great news is, I finished my book report last night in 30 minutes.

Twenty pages in 30 minutes?

Yes. And if I do say so myself, it's brilliant.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Garrett. Oh, hi! How are you feeling, Sue Ann?

She's feeling brilliant.

Mrs. Garrett, you know Moby-Dick?

Intimately.

A whale of a fellow.

Well, I'm really proud of this book report.

- Do you think you could give me your opinion on it? - Oh, sure.

Moby-Dick is one of my favorites.

"'The True Meaning of Moby-Dick, ' by Sue Ann Weaver.

"Moby-Dick was a white whale...

"with a big tail.

"Captain Ahab was a... a sea captain...

"with one good leg...

and one w-w-wood leg."

It probably gets better.

It couldn't get worse.

"The important thing about Moby-Dick is the symbolism.

"You see, old Moby wasn't really a whale.

He was a humongous marshmallow sundae with vanilla ice cream"?

You're wrong, Blair. It did get worse.

Oh, Sue Ann.

What have you been smoking?

See, I told you she'd get a kick out of your joke.

I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

I guess I'd better get down to the library and write the real one.

Ciao.

Gee, that was a great book report. Yeah, I'm starved.

Hey, I know, let's go get a Moby-Dick sundae.

Mrs. Garrett! You should see what we got at the record store.

Oh? Three bongs.

I don't know that group. Are they punk rock?

No, it's not a musical group. Look here.

Bong

Bong

Bong

One for me, one for Natalie, and we brought one for you too.

Yeah. We're a three-bong family.

Girls, do you know what these are used for?

Sure. You put jelly beans in 'em.

I'm gonna put root beer in mine. It comes with a built-in straw.

Uh, I don't like to look a gift bong in the mouth, but...

why did you girls buy these?

Well, we figured that if we couldn't be in

The Group, at least we'd have the same stuff.

You mean the girls in The Group have these?

Oh, I don't know about all of them, but I saw one in Tumpy's room.

Tumpy? 0h.

Girls, what people use these for is smoking marijuana.

Marijuana?

Oh, I could wring their necks. How could they sell this garbage to kids?

- There ought to be a law. - We didn't know what it was for.

Yeah, but I'm sure that the girls in The Group did.

Now, girls, not a word about this to anyone until we talk to Mr. Bradley.

Oh, there's gonna be trouble.

Make that a double.

Mr. Bradley, this surprise inspection is an invasion of privacy.

Mrs. Garrett, smoking pot is illegal. When you break the law, you have no privacy.

There must be a more dignified way of handling this...

- instead of treating those girls like criminals. - Yeah, that's right!

Mrs. Garrett, this is a serious situation, and it calls for stern measures.

Tootie, you're next.

- One hot plate. - Which violates our insurance policy.

- One skillet. - Which violates the rule against cooking in rooms.

Eight cans of jalapeño bean dip.

Which violates your stomach.

- Why do you need all that bean dip? - I like to entertain.

Hi, everybody.

What's going on here? I'm glad you're back.

- We're going to inspect your room next. - Why? What are you looking for?

Dope.

We found some in Tumpy's room, and she and her roommates are being expelled.

- That's awful! - Yeah. I've called their parents.

- They're on their way up here to bring 'em home. - It's heartbreaking.

Blair, sorry, but I'm gonna have to ask you to

dump the contents of your purse on the table.

Why? You don't suspect me?

I don't play favorites. I suspect everybody.

And you are a member of The Group. Mrs. Garrett, will you do the honors?

If you insist. Blair?

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Let me see this lipstick.

"High Lady"? That doesn't sound like you, Blair.

Oh, that's mine. I gave it to her.

Thank you, but it's okay.

This isn't even lipstick.

A little hiding place inside?

- What do you keep in here? - Mad money.

- It's empty. - I guess it got angry and left.

Girls, I'm sorry to have had to pull this inspection,

but I'm glad that all of you passed it.

I just can't believe that any of our

Eastland girls would get caught smoking dope.

It's my first expulsion. Whew! Hope it's my last.

Let's put this contraband into the storage room. Okay.

What should we do with these bongs, Mrs. Garrett?

I'll take care of those, Natalie.

I'm going to go back to the record shop...

and show them a new way of returning merchandise.

And it's going to be painful.

That was a close call. What made you get rid of that joint?

Watching you last night.

From now on, I'm gonna stick to being high on me.

Me too.

I can't believe I was stupid enough to smoke pot just to make them like me.

Thanks for trying to pull me out of there.

And thank you for trying to cover up for me with the lipstick.

It sure is a tough way for those girls to learn a lesson,

getting kicked out of school.

Mrs. Garrett, I've never seen you look so sad.

I'm not sad, I'm mad. I'm damn mad. Forgive me.

I'm furious that these bright, young girls should mess up their lives over dope.

And if I ever catch any of you doing anything as stupid as that,

I'm gonna... You won't. For sure.

Blair, from now on, make sure your lipsticks have lipstick in 'em.

Right, Mrs. Garrett.

Gee, I've got all these jelly beans and no where to put them.

Oh, we'll find a place.

Well, at least our group is back together again.

- Right. - Give me some.

When the boys you used to hate you date

I guess you best investigate

The facts of life The facts of life

If you hear 'em from your brother

Better clear 'em with your mother

Gotta get 'em right The facts of life

When the world never seems

To be living up to your dreams

It's time you started finding out

The facts of life are all about

You