Original subtitles

WELCOME, WELCOME,

WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT"!

I'M JOHN OLIVER, THANK YOU SO

MUCH FOR JOINING US.

WE ARE BACK!

AND WE'VE CLEARLY MISSED A LOT

OVER THE LAST THREE MONTHS, FROM

THE COLLAPSE OF THE ASSAD REGIME

IN SYRIA TO AN ATTEMPTED COUP IN

SOUTH KOREA TO THE U.K.'S LABOUR

PARTY BRIEFLY ADVERTISING ITS

AGENDA WITH A VIDEO TITLED "THIS

LABOUR GOVERNMENT'S PLAN TO

CHANGE BRITAIN FOR THE BETTER,

PARENTHESES, AS ANIMALS."

AND WHATEVER YOU'RE EXPECTING,

IT'S BETTER.

OKAY, SO, A LOT TO LOVE

ABOUT THAT FROM THE OBJECTIVE

HORNINESS OF SOME OF THEIR

ANIMAL CHOICES, TO AI THAT

COULDN'T SEEM TO DECIDE WHETHER

THE BUNNY NURSE HAS HUMAN OR

RABBIT ARMS.

BUT IT'S NOTABLE THAT, EVEN WITH

THE OPTION TO USE ANY ANIMAL IN

THE HISTORY OF ANIMALS, THEY

STILL COULDN'T MAKE PUBLIC

TRANSPORTATION SEXY.

EVERY OTHER ANIMAL IS EITHER

COOL, HOT, TERRIFYING, OR ALL

THREE, BUT THE ADVOCATE FOR

PUBLIC RAIL IS A DUMPY BUSINESS

BADGER IN A SUIT THAT DOESN'T

FIT WHO-- AND I DON'T THINK I'M

PROJECTING HERE-- SEEMS LIKE

HE'S GOING TO MISS HIS TRAIN.

THEY ACTUALLY PULLED THE VIDEO

WITHIN HOURS, IN PART BECAUSE IT

TURNED OUT THE SONG WAS AN

EXPLICIT BRAZILIAN CLUB BANGER,

FEATURING LYRICS REFERENCING

SMOKING MARIJUANA, SEXUAL ACTS,

AND SEXIST SLURS.

AND I'M GLAD THEY TOOK IT DOWN

- NOT BECAUSE OF THAT, BUT

BECAUSE THE QUESTION "WHAT DO

YOU GET WHEN YOU COMBINE

BRITAIN, ACCESSIBLE DESCRIPTIONS

OF DENSE GOVERNMENT POLICY AND

ANIMAL MASCOTS" HAS ALREADY BEEN

ANSWERED, AND YOU'RE WATCHING

ITS SEASON 12 PREMIERE RIGHT

NOW.

GET OFF MY FUCKING CORNER.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL WE MISSED

THERE WERE WILDFIRES IN L.A.,

THE FIRST SUPER BOWL HALFTIME

SHOW THAT WAS BOTH A CONCERT AND

A PUBLIC EXECUTION, AND DUOLINGO

POSTED A DEATH ANNOUNCEMENT FOR

THEIR OWL MASCOT, FOLLOWING IT

UP WITH A VIDEO OF HIM BEING HIT

BY A CYBERTRUCK, EXPLODING, AND

FLOATING THROUGH THE SKY, SPACE,

AND GATES OF HELL.

AND I BELIEVE I SPEAK FOR

EVERYONE WHEN I SAY, "QUE?"

AND WHILE I'LL MISS HAVING THAT

LITTLE GREEN FREAK ACCOMPANYING

MY DAILY SPANISH LESSONS, IT

SOUNDS LIKE THERE'S NOW AN

OPENING FOR AN EDUCATION-FOCUSED

OWL AND, FRIENDS, I HAVE A

HUMBLE YET HORNY SUGGESTION.

TEACH ME A LESSON, YOU STERN,

FEATHERY FIRE HYDRANT.

HAZ QUE MI LEXICO CREZCA, BUHO

ENORME.

AND FINALLY, LAST MONTH SAW THE

GERMAN DEER-CALLING

CHAMPIONSHIP.

AND IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN IT IN

ACTION, YOU HAVE BEEN MISSING

OUT.

SIR, SIR.

SIR.

EXCUSE ME.

SIR.

I THINK THE CONTEST YOU'RE

LOOKING FOR IS AROUND THE

CORNER.

THIS IS A COMPETITION TO "CALL"

DEER, NOT...

GIVE THEM THE BEST NIGHT OF

THEIR LIVES.

AND WHILE ALL OF THAT IS VERY

FUN, UNFORTUNATELY, WE HAVE TO

DIVE STRAIGHT IN TO OUR MAIN

THE FACT THAT

DONALD TRUMP IS, ONCE AGAIN,

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

SORRY IF THIS IS HOW YOU FOUND

OUT.

HONESTLY, I'M NOT NUTS ABOUT IT

EITHER.

INCREDIBLY, IT'S BEEN LESS THAN

A MONTH SINCE TRUMP'S

INAUGURATION, BUT IT ALREADY

FEELS LIKE AN ETERNITY.

IN JUST THE PAST FOUR WEEKS,

HE'S PARDONED OR COMMUTED THE

SENTENCES OF JANUARY 6TH

RIOTERS, WITHDREW US FROM BOTH

THE PARIS ACCORDS AND THE WHO;

ANNOUNCED PLANS TO TAKE OVER

GAZA; ISSUED AN EXECUTIVE ORDER

TRYING TO UNDO BIRTHRIGHT

CITIZENSHIP, BLAMED THE FATAL

D.C. PLANE CRASH ON DEI, RENAMED

THE GULF OF MEXICO THE GULF OF

AMERICA; RESPONDED TO FIRES IN

L.A. COUNTY BY RELEASING

BILLIONS OF GALLONS OF WATER TO

CALIFORNIA'S CENTRAL VALLEY, 150

MILES AWAY; REPLACED A FOUR-STAR

GENERAL WITH THE HOST OF "FOX &

FRIENDS" AS SECRETARY OF

DEFENSE; AND ANNOUNCED 25%

TARIFFS ON CANADA AND MEXICO--

A MOVE PROMPTING CANADIANS TO DO

THIS.

♪ O SAY DOES THAT ♪

♪ STAR-SPANGLED BANNER ♪

♪ YET WAVE ♪

♪ FOR THE LAND OF THE FREE ♪

EXCELLENT.

I THINK THE ONLY THING MORE

QUINTESSENTIALLY CANADIAN THAN

BOOING THE U.S. NATIONAL ANTHEM

"AT A HOCKEY GAME" IS THE FACT

THEY "WAITED POLITELY FOR THE

RIGHT TIME TO DO IT."

PART OF TRUMP'S RATIONALE FOR

HIS TARIFF THREAT WAS THAT

CANADA WASN'T DOING ENOUGH TO

STOP THE FLOW OF FENTANYL INTO

THE U.S., EVEN THOUGH THE TOTAL

AMOUNT INTERCEPTED AT THE

CANADIAN BORDER LAST YEAR WAS

JUST 43 POUNDS, OR ROUGHLY 0.2%

OF ALL US BORDER FENTANYL

SEIZURES.

TRUMP QUICKLY PAUSED THOSE

TARIFFS, AFTER CLAIMING HE'D WON

CONCESSIONS FROM CANADA-- BUT

WHEN A REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN

TRIED TO REPEAT THAT TALKING

POINT ON CNN, HE RAN INTO A

SLIGHT PROBLEM.

HE CALLED THIS OFF SAYING

THAT HE'D WON CONCESSIONS FROM

BOTH OF THEM, BUT IS THERE A

TANGIBLE CONCESSION IN YOUR

VIEW?

YEAH, ABSOLUTELY, HE WON THE

CONCESSIONS--

WHAT'S NEW?

WELL, IT'S A COMMITMENT FROM

TRUDEAU THAT WASN'T THERE TO

HELP WITH FENTANYL, TO HELP WITH

THE BLACK MARKET--

HE ANNOUNCED THAT PLAN SIX

WEEKS AGO, BACK IN DECEMBER.

WELL, AT LEAST HE'S

REITERATED IT AND FORMALIZED IT.

"YEAH, KAITLAN!

YEAH, WHAT AREN'T YOU GETTING

ABOUT THIS?

TRUMP GOT CANADA TO AGREE TO

WHAT THEY ALREADY AGREED TO, AND

IT DIDN'T COST US ANYTHING

EXCEPT FOR ANY GOODWILL BETWEEN

OUR COUNTRIES WHATSOEVER.

HE PISSED OFF AN ENTIRE COUNTRY

OF THE MOST DIFFICULT TO PISS

OFF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, AND IN

EXCHANGE, WE GOT THEM TO RESEND

AN EMAIL!

IT'S CALLED LEADERSHIP,

KAITLAN!"

ONE OF THE MOST STRIKING, IF

UNSURPRISING, THINGS OVER THE

LAST MONTH HAS BEEN THE EXTENT

TO WHICH TRUMP SEEMS TO HAVE

PRIORITIZED ACTIVE CRUELTY.

HE ISSUED MULTIPLE EO'S AIMED AT

TRANS AND GENDER NON-CONFORMING

PEOPLE, INCLUDING ONE "DECLARING

THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT WOULD

ONLY RECOGNIZE TWO SEXES, MALE

AND FEMALE" AND ANOTHER "BANNING

FEDERAL FUNDING OR SUPPORT FOR

YOUTH GENDER-AFFIRMING CARE."

AND THEN THERE WERE THE MULTIPLE

ATTACKS ON DIVERSITY, EQUITY AND

INCLUSION PROGRAMS.

EACH WHICH WERE PRETTY EXTREME.

THE FOUR-PAGE MEMO OBTAINED

BY CBS NEWS INSTRUCTS FEDERAL

AGENCY HEADS TO CANCEL ANY

DEI-RELATED TRAININGS AND CLOSE

ALL DEI OFFICES.

THE MEMO WENT OUT JUST ONE DAY

AFTER PRESIDENT TRUMP SIGNED AN

EXECUTIVE ORDER GIVING AGENCIES

60 DAYS TO TERMINATE ALL DEI

POSITIONS.

OUR COUNTRY IS GOING TO BE

BASED ON MERIT AGAIN.

CAN YOU-- CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

NO, I CAN'T.

NOAH, I ACTUALLY CAN'T.

AND THAT'S FRANKLY A WILD THING

TO SAY IN FRONT OF A PORTRAIT OF

YOUR DAD WHO YOU INHERITED A

REAL ESTATE EMPIRE FROM.

AND THE ASSAULT ON DEI HAS BEEN

SWEEPING AND SOMETIMES PETTY.

AN EMPLOYEE AT ONE GOVERNMENT

AGENCY TOLD REPORTERS,

"UNIDENTIFIED OUTSIDE STAFFERS

ARRIVED TO SWEEP THE OFFICE OF

ANYTHING THEY FELT WAS RELATED

TO DIVERSITY, EQUITY, AND

INCLUSION," WHICH INCLUDED A

PLAQUE, CONFISCATED FROM A

SUPERVISOR'S DESK, WHICH READ,

"BE KIND TO EVERYONE."

AND AT THAT POINT, I'M JUST

SURPRISED THEY DIDN'T REPLACE IT

WITH A POSTER OF CALVIN PISSING

ON A COPY OF "WHITE FRAGILITY."

THEN THERE WERE THE ICE RAIDS,

WITH TRUMP'S "BORDER CZAR,"

TOM HOMAN, TAKING DR. PHIL, FOR

SOME REASON, ON A RIDE-ALONG

AROUND CHICAGO IN PERHAPS THE

SINGLE WORST VERSION OF

"CARPOOL KARAOKE" EVER.

IT'S ALL BEEN TOTAL MAYHEM.

AND TO SOME EXTENT, THAT MAY BE

BY DESIGN.

BECAUSE IT'S WORTH REMEMBERING,

DURING TRUMP'S FIRST TERM,

STEVE BANNON OPENLY LAID OUT

WHAT THEIR THINKING WAS BACK

THEN.

SO WHAT WE'VE GOT TO DO IS

JUST HIT, HIT, HIT, AND KEEP IT

UP.

IT'S MOMENTUM, MOMENTUM,

MOMENTUM.

THE-- THE OPPOSITION PARTY IS

THE MEDIA.

AND THE MEDIA CAN ONLY, BECAUSE

THEY'RE DUMB AND THEY'RE LAZY,

THEY CAN ONLY FOCUS ON ONE THING

AT A TIME.

I SAID, ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS

FLOOD THE ZONE.

EVERY DAY WE HIT 'EM WITH THREE

THINGS.

THEY'LL BITE ON ONE, AND WE'LL

GET ALL OF OUR STUFF DONE, BANG,

BANG, BANG.

THESE GUYS WILL NEVER-WILL NEVER

BE ABLE TO RECOVER.

BUT WE'VE GOT TO START WITH

MUZZLE VELOCITY.

SO, IT'S GOT TO START, AND IT'S

GOT TO HAMMER, AND IT'S GOT

TO--

WHAT WAS THE WORD?

MUZZLE VELOCITY.

OKAY, SET ASIDE THAT

"MUZZLE VELOCITY" SOUNDS LIKE A

STRAIGHT TO STREAMING VEHICLE

STARRING STEVEN SEAGAL AND

SIX TO TEN DOG EXTRAS WHO

"DEFINITELY" DIED ON SET.

THAT IS A PRETTY ACCURATE

DESCRIPTION OF WHAT WE'RE

WITNESSING RIGHT NOW.

THOUGH AS A MEMBER OF THE MEDIA

I TAKE ISSUE WITH THE CLAIM WE

CAN ONLY FOCUS ON ONE THING AT A

TIME.

IT'S MY ABILITY TO MULTITASK

THAT ALLOWS ME TO FOCUS NOT JUST

ON HOW BANNON SOUNDS LIKE HE'S

TRYING TO MONDAY MORNING

QUARTERBACK THE FOOTBALL TEAM OF

A HIGH SCHOOL HE'S NOT ALLOWED

WITHIN 500 FEET OF, BUT ALSO, ON

HOW HE SOMEHOW ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE

HE WAS RECENTLY PULLED OUT OF A

WET HOLE.

BUT IT IS TRUE THAT, IF YOU TRY

AND FOCUS ON EVERYTHING, YOU'LL

FOCUS ON NOTHING.

SO TONIGHT, WE THOUGHT WE'D PULL

BACK AND FOCUS ON ONE MAJOR

THEME OF THE LAST MONTH, AND

THAT'S THE TRUMP

ADMINISTRATION'S ATTEMPT TO

DISMANTLE THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

FROM WITHIN.

AND TO DO THAT, WE'RE GOING TO

WHAT THEY'RE DOING, WHO IT'S

HURTING, AND WHAT CAN BE DONE

ABOUT IT?

AND LET'S START WITH EXACTLY

WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

YOU MIGHT REMEMBER, LAST YEAR WE

TALKED ABOUT PROJECT 2025-- THE

PLAYBOOK FOR TRUMP'S SECOND

TERM.

IN THAT STORY, WE MENTIONED ONE

OF ITS MAIN ARCHITECTS,

RUSSELL VOTE, WAS HELL-BENT ON

DECIMATING THE CIVIL SERVICE.

HERE HE IS IN 2023, LAYING OUT

EXACTLY WHAT HE HOPED TO DO ONCE

TRUMP RETURNED TO POWER.

WE WANT THE BUREAUCRATS TO BE

TRAUMATICALLY AFFECTED.

WE WANT-- WHEN THEY WAKE UP IN

THE MORNING WE WANT THEM TO NOT

WANT TO GO TO WORK, BECAUSE THEY

ARE SO-- THEY ARE INCREASINGLY

VIEWED AS THE VILLAINS.

WE WANT THEIR FUNDING TO BE SHUT

DOWN SO THE EPA CAN'T DO ALL THE

RULES AGAINST OUR ENERGY

INDUSTRY BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO

BANDWIDTH FINANCIALLY TO DO SO.

WE WANT TO PUT THEM IN TRAUMA.

YOU KNOW WHEN I

PICTURED THE EVIL MASTERMINDS

WHO WOULD BE TAKING DOWN THE

AMERICAN GOVERNMENT FROM WITHIN,

I PICTURED COMIC BOOK VILLAINS,

STANDING OVER THE CITY AS

LIGHTNING STRUCK.

NOT "RUSS FROM BUDGETS" IN

HISTORY'S WORST POLO SHIRT,

CLICKING THROUGH HIS SLIDE DECK

AND SAYING HE WANTS TO GIVE

BUREAUCRATS CLINICAL DEPRESSION.

NEWS FLASH, RUSS, THEY ALREADY

HAVE IT!

THAT MAN IS NOW TRUMP'S DIRECTOR

OF THE OFFICE OF MANAGEMENT AND

BUDGET, AND HAS BEGUN CARRYING

OUT HIS PLANS FOR A SYSTEMIC

PURGE OF GOVERNMENT WORKERS.

BUT HE'S HAD A LOT OF ASSISTANCE

IN THAT FROM THE FACT TRUMP'S

ALSO BROUGHT IN THIS GUY,

ELON MUSK, SEEN HERE LOOKING

LIKE A SCROTUM DRESSED FOR A

FUNERAL.

HE LOOKS LIKE A WITCH FROM DUTCH

FOLKLORE.

MUSK'S SELF-INVENTED "DEPARTMENT

OF GOVERNMENT EFFICIENCY," OR

"DOGE," HAS BEEN TRYING TO

ELIMINATE FEDERAL WORKERS,

AND SOMETIMES IN ALARMINGLY

BLUNT WAYS.

ONE OF THE ADMINISTRATION'S

EARLY MOVES WAS TO SEND OUT AN

EMAIL OFFERING MANY A "DEFERRED

RESIGNATION," WHERE THEY COULD

QUIT THEIR JOBS AND GET PAID

THROUGH SEPTEMBER-- OR STAY,

AND RISK BEING LAID OFF.

WHICH IS ALREADY BIZARRE.

THEN SETTING ASIDE WHETHER IT'S

A REAL OR LEGAL OFFER.

"TAKE THIS MONEY NOW OR RISK

BEING ELIMINATED" ISN'T HOW YOU

RUN THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, IT'S

HOW YOU RUN BEAST GAMES.

BUT FOR SOME WORKERS, IT'S GONE

WELL BEYOND JUST GETTING AN

EMAIL.

THERE HAVE BEEN MASS FIRINGS,

AND MUSK HAS HIRED A TEAM OF

YOUNG AIDES TO ASSIST IN

DOWNSIZING THE GOVERNMENT--

SOME OF WHOM HAVE PHYSICALLY

STATIONED THEMSELVES IN

GOVERNMENT OFFICES, AS THIS

FEDERAL WORKER EXPLAINS.

MY COLLEAGUES ARE GETTING

15-MINUTE ONE-ON-ONE CHECK-INS

WITH 19, 20, 21-YEAR-OLD COLLEGE

GRADUATES ASKING TO JUSTIFY

THEIR EXISTENCE.

ONE OF MUSK'S TOP LIEUTENANTS

AND HIS WIFE AND YOUNG CHILD

HAVE SHACKED UP ON THE SIXTH

FLOOR OF OUR AGENCY AND ARE

LIVING THERE.

YEAH, IT IS MADNESS.

IMAGINE BEING A FEDERAL WORKER

AND HAVING TO LISTEN TO A GUY

WHO WASN'T ALIVE FOR 9/11,

"SHREK 1", OR "SHREK 2", SAY TO

YOU'RE BEING DOWN-SIZED,

PLEASE LEAVE THIS OFFICE WHICH

IS NOW MY BEDROOM.

ALSO CAN YOU PLEASE BUY ME

BEER?"

AND ALL THIS IS BAD ENOUGH

BEFORE YOU GET TO THE FACT

MUSK'S TEAM INCLUDES MEMBERS

WITH, SHALL WE SAY, CHECKERED

EMPLOYMENT HISTORIES.

ANOTHER DOGE WORKER, EDWARD

CORISTINE, WHO CALLED HIMSELF

"BIG BALLS" ON SOCIAL MEDIA, WAS

FIRED FROM AN INTERNSHIP WITH A

DATA SECURITY FIRM CALLED

PATH NETWORK IN 2022, ACCUSED OF

LEAKING INFORMATION TO A

COMPETITOR.

A SPOKESPERSON TELLING CNN HIS

CONTRACT WAS TERMINATED AFTER

THE CONCLUSION OF AN INTERNAL

INVESTIGATION INTO THE LEAKING

OF PROPRIETARY COMPANY

INFORMATION THAT COINCIDED WITH

HIS TENURE.

WHAT A FUN TIME.

TO BE ALIVE THIS IS.

I'M SO GLAD OUR COUNTRY IS

"BASED ON MERIT" AGAIN,

OTHERWISE CANDIDATES LIKE "BIG

BALLS THE FIRED INTERN" MIGHT'VE

BEEN OVERLOOKED.

AND IT GETS WORSE, BECAUSE IT'S

BEEN REPORTED THAT BIG BALLS AT

ONE POINT STARTED A WEBSITE

ALLOWING USERS TO REDIRECT TO

CONTENT ON THE SITE BY CREATING

SHITPOSTING URLs, INCLUDING

NAMES LIKE "CHILD PORN DOT

STORE" AND "KKK IS COOL DOT

CLUB."

AND I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY

THIS, BUT-- I EXPECTED BETTER

OF BIG BALLS, OR AS HE'S NOW

KNOWN, SENIOR ADVISOR AT THE

STATE DEPARTMENT AND DEPARTMENT

OF HOMELAND SECURITY.

AND THE THING IS, SOME OF MUSK'S

TEAM HAVE AN EXTRAORDINARY

AMOUNT OF ACCESS TO SENSITIVE

DATA.

ANOTHER DOGE STAFFER, A

25-YEAR-OLD NAMED MARKO ELEZ,

WAS GIVEN ACCESS TO TREASURY

DEPARTMENT PAYMENT DATA--

BASICALLY, THE CHECKBOOK FOR THE

ENTIRE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

WHICH WAS WORRYING EVEN BEFORE

IT EMERGED THAT, WITHIN THE PAST

YEAR, HE'D TWEETED THINGS LIKE

"NORMALIZE INDIAN HATE," "YOU

COULDN'T PAY ME TO MARRY OUTSIDE

OF MY ETHNICITY," AND "I JUST

WANT A EUGENIC IMMIGRATION

POLICY, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO

ASK?"

AND THOSE ARE SOME BAD TWEETS.

AND NOT EVEN THE FUN KIND, LIKE

WHEN "BREAKING BAD"'S DEAN

NORRIS TWEETED OUT "SEX GIFS,"

OR THE PABST BLUE RIBBON ACCOUNT

TWEETED OUT "NOT DRINKING THIS

JANUARY?

TRY EATING ASS!"

WHICH, HONESTLY, ISN'T EVEN A

BAD TWEET.

THAT'S JUST PRETTY GOOD ADVICE.

AND THERE'VE BEEN CLAIMS AND

COUNTER-CLAIMS OF WHETHER ELEZ

HAD "READ-ONLY" ACCESS, OR THE

ABILITY TO ACTUALLY CHANGE DATA,

BUT EITHER WAY, IT'S ALARMING HE

HAD ACCESS IN ANY FORM,

ESPECIALLY GIVEN WHAT'S INSIDE

THAT DATABASE.

I FILE MY TAXES

ELECTRONICALLY.

DOES THAT PUT ME INSIDE THIS

DATABASE OF THE BUREAU OF FISCAL

SERVICE?

IT SURE DOES, AND YOUR BANK

ACCOUNT INFORMATION.

THAT'S HOW YOU GET YOUR REFUND

ELECTRONICALLY.

NOT JUST WHO I AM, WHERE I

LIVE.

HOW MUCH YOU MADE, HOW MUCH

YOUR REFUND IS.

ALL OF THAT IS IN THERE?

ABSOLUTELY.

THE MOST PRIVATE, SENSITIVE DATA

ABOUT AMERICAN CITIZENS ALL SITS

IN THE BUREAU OF FISCAL SERVICE

AND THE TREASURY PAYMENTS

ECOSYSTEM.

THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT

INFORMATION I WANT IN THE HANDS

OF ELON'S GANG.

BUT, IF I MAY, A LITTLE

"THE MOST, PRIVATE

SENSITIVE DATA" ABOUT AN

AMERICAN ISN'T THEIR BANK

ACCOUNT INFORMATION.

IT'S THEIR GOOGLE SEARCH

HISTORY.

ALTHOUGH, HAVING SAID THAT, I'M

PRETTY SURE MOST AMERICANS'

SEARCH HISTORY THIS LAST MONTH

"WHAT THE FUCK IS

HAPPENING?"

"WHAT IS A DOGE?"

"WHY IS EVERYONE SO SAD ABOUT

LUKA?"

"WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?"

ALL CAPS, AND "WHAT TO DO WHEN

COUNTRY GO AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

IT'S FRANKLY NO WONDER AN

INTERNAL EMAIL FROM THE TREASURY

DEPARTMENT'S THREAT ASSESSMENT

UNIT SAID ALLOWING ELON'S TEAM

ACCESS WAS "THE SINGLE GREATEST

INSIDER THREAT RISK THE BUREAU

OF THE FISCAL SERVICE HAS EVER

FACED."

AND WHEN PRESSED ON THE OBVIOUS

RISKS HERE, KRISTI NOEM, TRUMP'S

DIRECTOR OF HOMELAND SECURITY,

HAD A WEIRDLY BLASE ANSWER.

I REMEMBER A TIME WHEN

REPUBLICANS WERE VERY CAREFUL

ABOUT AND WORRIED ABOUT THE

GOVERNMENT, PARTICULARLY

UNELECTED PEOPLE, HAVING ACCESS

TO PERSONAL DATA.

WELL, WE CAN'T TRUST THE

GOVERNMENT ANYMORE.

YOU ARE THE GOVERNMENT.

YES, THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

THE AMERICAN PEOPLE NOW ARE

SAYING "WE HAVE HAD OUR PERSONAL

INFORMATION SHARED AND OUT

THERE."

AND NOW ELON MUSK HAS ACCESS

TO IT.

WELL, ELON MUSK IS PART OF

THE ADMINISTRATION THAT'S

HELPING US IDENTIFY WHERE WE CAN

FIND SAVINGS.

HIS INFORMATION THAT HE HAS IS

LOOKING AT PROGRAMS, NOT

FOCUSING ON PERSONAL DATA AND

INFORMATION.

NOT FOCUSING ON IT, BUT HE

HAS ACCESS TO IT.

YOU KNOW, WE'LL CONTINUE TO

TALK TO HIM ABOUT ALL HE HAS

ACCESS TO.

RESPECTFULLY, WHAT THE

FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

"WE CAN'T TRUST THE GOVERNMENT."

BUT YOU ARE THE GOVERNMENT.

SAYS WHO?

SAYS YOU.

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

WHAT ABOUT DATA?

DON'T KNOW HER.

WHAT ABOUT ELON?

YES, CHEF.

WHAT ABOUT ELON HAVING ACESS TO

PERSONAL DATA?

WE'LL CONTINUE TALKING TO HIM

ABOUT IT.

ARE WE ABSOLUTELY SURE

KRISTI NOEM SHOT HER DOG, OR DID

SHE JUST TALK TO IT AND ITS HEAD

EXPLODED?

AND LOOK, WE'RE STILL IN THE

EARLY DAYS OF DOGE'S INCURSION

INTO AGENCIES-- THEY'RE

REPORTEDLY JUST BEGUN TO MESS

AROUND AT THE DEPARTMENT OF

EDUCATION AND THE EPA.

BUT TO SEE WHERE THINGS COULD BE

HEADING, IT'S WORTH LOOKING AT

ONE PLACE THEY'VE ALREADY DONE A

FUCKLOAD OF DAMAGE, AND THAT'S

USAID.

IT'S AN AGENCY THAT PROVIDES

HUMANITARIAN AND DEVELOPMENT

ASSISTANCE IN OVER 100

COUNTRIES, AND IT'S BEEN

DESCRIBED AS THE WORLD'S SINGLE

LARGEST HUMANITARIAN DONOR.

BUT AS SOON AS USAID FOUND

ITSELF IN ELON'S CROSSHAIRS IT

GOT BUTCHERED.

SOURCES TELL US USAID, THE

RELIEF AGENCY THAT BRINGS FOOD,

WATER, AND HEALTH CARE TO

VICTIMS OF NATURAL DISASTERS,

WILL SOON HAVE ITS GLOBAL

WORKFORCE REDUCED FROM ROUGHLY

14,000 PEOPLE TO FEWER THAN 300

EMPLOYEES.

AN INTERNAL EMAIL SHARED WITH

ABC NEWS SHOWS JUST 12 EMPLOYEES

TO BE ASSIGNED TO THE ENTIRE

CONTINENT OF AFRICA.

12 EMPLOYEES.

12.

THAT'S NOT EVEN ENOUGH PEOPLE TO

FULLY STAFF A CHILI'S.

AND TO BE CLEAR, THOSE CUTS WILL

HAVE REAL CONSEQUENCES.

PEOPLE ARE GOING TO GET BADLY

HURT BECAUSE OF WHAT WE'RE DOING

RIGHT NOW.

WHICH, HONESTLY, IS A PRETTY

GOOD SLOGAN FOR CHILI'S ITSELF.

AND LOOK, YOU CAN THINK THERE'S

WASTE IN THE USAID BUDGET.

I AM SURE THAT THERE IS.

AND YOU CAN THINK A REVIEW IS

NECESSARY-- THAT'S WHY MOST

PRESIDENTS UNDERTAKE ONE.

BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT.

AND WHILE THEY'VE CLAIMED THIS

IS MERELY A "90 DAY PAUSE" WHILE

SPENDING IS REASSESSED, YOU

MIGHT WANT TO TELL THAT TO ELON,

WHO TWEETED LAST MONDAY, "WE

SPENT THE WEEKEND FEEDING USAID

INTO THE WOOD CHIPPER."

"COULD GONE TO SOME GREAT

PARTIES.

DID THAT INSTEAD."

WHICH, FIRST, NO YOU COULDN'T,

BECAUSE ANY PARTY YOU ATTEND IS

DEFINITIONALLY TERRIBLE, AND

SECOND, DON'T YOU HAVE, LIKE,

100 KIDS?

GO HANG OUT WITH THEM ON THE

WEEKENDS, YOU PARASITIC FREAK.

ALREADY, USAID WORKERS HAVE BEEN

RECALLED FROM POSTINGS OVERSEAS,

AND THE AGENCY'S NAME HAS BEEN

PHYSICALLY REMOVED FROM THE

HEADQUARTERS IN D.C., THEY EVEN

WENT SO FAR AS TO TAPE A BLACK

GARBAGE BAG OVER THE LOGO ON THE

GLASS.

AND I GUESS WE'RE ALL JUST LUCKY

IT'S NOT OCTOBER, OTHERWISE

THEY'D HAVE ALREADY TURNED IT

INTO A SPIRIT HALLOWEEN.

AND I KNOW, IN SOME WAYS, USAID

IS AN EASY TARGET WITH SOME

POPULIST APPEAL-- MANY

AMERICANS THINK WE SPEND TOO

MUCH ON FOREIGN AID.

OPINION POLLS HAVE REPEATEDLY

SHOWN THAT THE PUBLIC ESTIMATES

THAT A QUARTER OF THE FEDERAL

BUDGET GOES TO FOREIGN

ASSISTANCE, AND THEY WOULD

PREFER IT TO BE JUST 10%.

ALTHOUGH, ALL THAT REALLY SHOWS

IS THAT AMERICANS HAVE NO IDEA

HOW MUCH WE SPEND ON FOREIGN

AID, GIVEN THAT THE ACTUAL SHARE

IS LESS THAN 1% OF THE FEDERAL

BUDGET.

AND NEVER HAS A POLL SHOWN SUCH

DISTANCE FROM REALITY, SINCE THE

ONE WHERE ONE IN EIGHT MEN

THOUGHT THEY COULD SCORE A POINT

OFF SERENA WILLIAMS IN TENNIS.

LET ME JUST SAY, THIS AS A MAN

OF ABOVE AVERAGE HEIGHT AND SOME

IF I PLAYED

TENNIS AGAINST SERENA WILLIAMS,

I WOULD DIE.

AND TO BE CLEAR, WE GET A LOT IN

RETURN FOR THAT MINOR

INVESTMENT.

FIRST, IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO

DO.

BUT ON TOP OF THAT, IT'S ALSO IN

OUR SELF-INTEREST.

JUST ONE OF THE THINGS THEY'RE

INVOLVED IN IS DISEASE

PREVENTION OVERSEAS.

AND YOU MAY REMEMBER, A FEW

YEARS AGO, IT EMERGED THAT

VIRUSES DON'T TEND TO RESPECT

BORDERS.

ALSO, SPENDING TO GAIN GOODWILL

IN OTHER COUNTRIES TENDS TO MAKE

DIPLOMACY EASIER.

BUT IF YOU LISTENED TO TRUMP'S

PRESS SECRETARY, YOU'D THINK ALL

THAT WE WERE DOING WITH USAID

MONEY WAS COMPLETE NONSENSE.

IF YOU LOOK AT THE WASTE AND

ABUSE THAT HAS RUN THROUGH USAID

OVER THE PAST SEVERAL YEARS,

THESE ARE SOME OF THE INSANE

PRIORITIES THAT THAT

ORGANIZATION HAS BEEN SPENDING

MONEY ON, $1.5 MILLION TO

ADVANCE DEI IN SERBIA'S

WORKPLACES, 70,000 FOR A

PRODUCTION OF A DEI MUSICAL IN

IRELAND, $47,000 FOR A

TRANSGENDER OPERA IN COLOMBIA,

$32,000 FOR A TRANSGENDER COMIC

BOOK IN PERU.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT AS

AN AMERICAN TAXPAYER, I DON'T

WANT MY DOLLARS GOING TOWARDS

THIS CRAP, AND I KNOW THE

AMERICAN PEOPLE DON'T EITHER.

OKAY, IF THAT SOUNDS

LIKE A BULLSHIT AND SPIN TO YOU,

IT'S BECAUSE IT MOSTLY IS.

THOUGH I WILL SAY, A DEI MUSICAL

IN IRELAND, A TRANSGENDER OPERA

IN COLOMBIA, AND A TRANSGENDER

COMIC BOOK IN PERU ALL SOUND

LIKE HER BEST GUESSES FOR WHAT

EMILIA PEREZ IS.

BUT THE THING IS, NOT ONLY IS

SHE WILDLY MISCHARACTERIZING

SOME OF THOSE PROJECTS, THE LAST

THREE SHE LISTED WEREN'T EVEN

FUNDED BY USAID, BUT BY GRANTS

FROM THE STATE DEPARTMENT.

AGAIN AND AGAIN, THE TRUMP

ADMINISTRATION AND ELON MUSK

HAVE BOOSTED MISINFORMATION

ABOUT WHERE USAID MONEY HAS

GONE, FROM ELON RETWEETING A

FAKE E! NEWS SEGMENT CLAIMING

IT'D PAID TO SEND CELEBRITIES TO

UKRAINE-- WHICH IT DIDN'T-- TO

TRUMP TWEETING THAT POLITICO HAD

RECEIVED $8 MILLION FROM THE

AGENCY, WHICH IT HADN'T, TO HIS

PRESS SECRETARY SAYING THE

AGENCY SPENT $50 MILLION ON

CONDOMS IN GAZA, WHICH IT DID

NOT.

THAT CLAIM SET OFF AN ABSURD

GAME OF TELEPHONE, WITH ELON

EXCITEDLY RETWEETING HER

REMARKS, TRUMP BUMPING IT UP TO

$100 MILLION ON CONDOMS TO

HAMAS, ONLY FOR A REPUBLICAN

CONGRESSMAN TO GO ON TV TO

ANNOUNCE THAT IT WAS ACTUALLY

$15 MILLION FOR CONDOMS FOR THE

TALIBAN.

BUT I GUESS TRUMP AND MUSK BEING

OUTRAGED AT ANY MONEY BEING

SPENT ON CONDOMS SHOULDN'T BE

THAT SURPRISING-- THESE ARE TWO

MEN WHO'VE SEEM LIKE THEY SAID

"BUT IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL THE

SAME" MORE OFTEN THAN THEY'VE

SAID THEIR OWN NAME.

BUT AGAIN, NONE OF THAT WAS

REAL.

AND WHEN A REPORTER CONFRONTED

MUSK ABOUT ALL THIS, HIS ANSWER

WAS INFURIATING.

HOW CAN WE MAKE SURE THAT ALL

THE STATEMENTS THAT YOU SAID

WERE CORRECT SO WE CAN TRUST

WHAT YOU SAY?

WELL, FIRST OF ALL, SOME OF

THE THINGS I SAY WILL BE

INCORRECT, AND SHOULD BE

CORRECTED.

SO...

NOBODY IS GOING TO BAT A

THOUSAND.

YOU KNOW, WE WILL MAKE MISTAKES,

AND WE'LL ACT QUICKLY TO CORRECT

ANY MISTAKES.

NOW, TO ANSWER YOUR

FIRST QUESTION, "WHO IS THAT

CHILD?," THAT'S THE NEW

UNDERSECRETARY OF HOUSING AND

URBAN DEVELOPMENT.

OR IT'S ONE OF ELON'S KIDS.

OR POSSIBLY BOTH.

BUT IT'S NOTABLE THAT HIS ANSWER

TO "HOW CAN WE TRUST WHAT YOU'RE

SAYING IS TRUE" IS BASICALLY

"YOU CAN'T!"

ALSO, FOR THE RECORD, TRUMP

ISN'T EVEN PRETENDING TO CARE

ANYMORE, IS HE?

HE IS SO RESTLESS AND BORED,

HE'S MAKING THE EXACT SAME FACE

AS A FOUR YEAR OLD AT THE EXACT

SAME TIME.

BUT THOSE MISTAKES HAVE HAD REAL

CONSEQUENCES-- ESPECIALLY FOR

AN AGENCY THAT PROVIDES

CRITICAL, LIFESAVING AID

OVERSEAS.

THE SUSPENSION HAS REPORTEDLY

HALTED NATIONAL FOOD PROGRAMS

THAT SERVE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE,

AND DISRUPTED CRITICAL AID

DELIVERIES OF FOOD AND MEDICINE.

THE IMPACTS ARE ALREADY BEING

FELT ON THE GROUND, AS YOU CAN

SEE IN THIS REPORT FROM SOUTH

AFRICA.

THIS IS JUST ONE OF THE

SEXUAL HEALTH CLINICS THAT HAVE

BEEN SHUT DOWN SINCE THE USAID

FUNDING FREEZE.

THIS ONE IN THE HEART OF

JOHANNESBURG HAS BEEN CATERING

FOR WOMEN WITH SEXUALLY

TRANSMITTED DISEASES LIKE HIV,

NOW COMPLETELY CLOSED.

WE'VE SEEN PEOPLE TRY AND ENTER

AND BE TURNED AWAY.

ARE YOU TRYING TO GO TO THE

CLINIC?

YEAH.

IT'S CLOSED.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I MEAN, THE USAID FUNDING HAS

BEEN FROZEN, SO THEY'RE CLOSING

DOWN CLINICS.

DO YOU HAVE ALTERNATIVES?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M GOING TO ASK NEXT DOOR.

HOPEFULLY, THEY'LL BE ABLE TO

ASSIST ME.

IF THEY CAN'T, I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

SERIOUS.

WHAT WILL I DO?

THERE'S NOTHING.

YEAH, IT'S AWFUL.

AND IT'S SOMEHOW MADE EVEN WORSE

BY THE "WE VALUE YOU" MESSAGE ON

THE SHUTTERED WINDOW, WHICH THEY

SHOULD PROBABLY NOW CHANGE TO

"WE VALUE YOU, BUT UNFORTUNATELY

WE CAN'T HELP YOU, THANKS TO ONE

OF THE WORST WHITE GUYS SOUTH

AFRICA HAS EVER PRODUCED,

PARENTHESES, WHICH IS REALLY

SAYING SOMETHING."

NOW, AFTER BLOWBACK TO ALL THIS,

THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION

ANNOUNCED THAT THEY'D GIVEN

LIMITED WAIVERS FOR SOME

LIFESAVING PROGRAMS.

BUT UNFORTUNATELY, THANKS TO THE

SHEER CONFUSION OVER WHO IS EVEN

ELIGIBLE, THE WAIVERS HAVE NOT

RESULTED IN THE RESUMPTION OF

MANY VITAL PROGRAMS.

AND THAT'S WHAT THEY DON'T SEEM

TO GET ABOUT SHUTTING DOWN WORK

LIKE THIS.

EVEN IF THE FAUCETS GET TURNED

BACK ON COMPLETELY-- WHICH THEY

ALMOST CERTAINLY WON'T-- HUGE

DAMAGE WILL STILL HAVE BEEN

DONE.

FOR INSTANCE, USAID FUNDS THINGS

LIKE ANTI-RETROVIRAL TREATMENTS

THAT PREVENT HIV BEING

TRANSMITTED TO BABIES BEFORE,

DURING AND AFTER BIRTH.

AS ONE AGENCY EMPLOYEE PUT IT

JUST A FEW DAYS INTO THE PAUSE,

ALREADY, "AT A MINIMUM, 300

BABIES THAT WOULDN'T HAVE HAD

HIV, NOW DO."

WHICH IS TERRIBLE, ESPECIALLY

GIVEN, WITHOUT TREATMENT, UP TO

30% OF HIV-INFECTED CHILDREN DIE

BY THEIR FIRST BIRTHDAY.

ANOTHER WORKER CHARACTERIZED

THIS AS, THE RICHEST PERSON IN

THE WORLD TAKING AWAY FROM THE

POOREST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

PEOPLE WILL DIE FROM THIS, LIKE

THOUSANDS, IF NOT HUNDREDS OF

THOUSANDS.

THE

PERSON PROUDLY FEEDING THIS

AGENCY INTO THE WOODCHIPPER HAS

ADMITTED THAT HE'S NOT BATTING A

THOUSAND, SO IT'S FINE.

HE DEFINITELY GETS IT.

AND EVEN AS ELON AND THE WHITE

HOUSE RUN LIKE A BUZZSAW THROUGH

MULTIPLE AGENCIES, IT'S WORTH

NOTING THAT MUSK HAS AN ACTIVE

INTEREST IN WHAT DOES AND

DOESN'T GET CUT.

HIS COMPANIES HAVE AS MANY AS

100 CONTRACTS WITH 17 DIFFERENT

FEDERAL AGENCIES.

SPACEX ALONE HOLDS ABOUT

$22 BILLION IN GOVERNMENT

CONTRACTS AND HIS COMPANIES ARE

REGULATED BY SOME OF THE VERY

AGENCIES NOW UNDER ATTACK.

AT LEAST 11 AGENCIES HAVE MORE

THAN 32 CONTINUING

INVESTIGATIONS, PENDING

COMPLAINTS, OR ENFORCEMENT

ACTIONS INTO MUSK'S COMPANIES.

BUT DON'T PANIC, THE WHITE HOUSE

HAS REASSURED EVERYONE THAT

THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT

HERE.

IF ELON MUSK COMES ACROSS A

CONFLICT OF INTEREST WITH THE

CONTRACTS AND THE FUNDING THAT

DOGE IS OVERSEEING, THEN ELON

WILL EXCUSE HIMSELF FROM THOSE

CONTRACTS.

OH, WELL THAT'S GREAT

TO HEAR.

THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT, BUT I

WILL SAY, AS A PUBLIC POLICY

PROFESSOR POINTED OUT,

"SELF-DETERMINATION OF A

CONFLICT OF INTEREST IS ITSELF A

CONFLICT OF INTEREST."

WHICH IS BOTH TRUE, AND

SOMETHING YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T

NEED A PROFESSOR TO TELL YOU.

I COULD'VE TOLD YOU THAT AND I'M

NOT EVEN A PUBLIC POLICY

PROFESSOR.

I JUST LOOK LIKE THIS.

THIS ALL FEELS INCREDIBLY FAST,

AND HEAD-SPINNINGLY CORRUPT.

IT'S GENUINELY HARD TO SUMMARIZE

HOW OVERWHELMING ALL OF THIS

FEELS, AND HONESTLY, THE BEST

ENCAPSULATION I'VE SEEN OF THIS

PARTICULAR MOMENT SO FAR DIDN'T

COME FROM AN ACADEMIC OR A

REPORTER, IT CAME FROM THIS GUY.

♪ WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A

HOSTILE GOVERNMENT TAKEOVER ♪

♪ I WANNA TALK ABOUT IT BUT I'LL

BE LATE FOR WORK ♪

♪ AND IF YOU'RE SAYING "WAIT A

MINUTE, WHO WE HAVE TO STOP

THIS?" ♪

♪ WE HAD ONE, BUT YOU DIDN'T

WANT THAT LADY IN OFFICE ♪

♪ NOW THAT WE'RE ALL PART OF A

NIGERIAN PRINCE SCAM ♪

♪ SURPRISE, SURPRISE, IT END UP

BEING A WHITE MAN ♪

♪ OH, I JUST WANNA KNOW WHAT THE

HELL DO I DO? ♪

PROBABLY DRINK.

EXCELLENT.

ABSOLUTELY EXCELLENT.

PUT THIS MAN AND HIS PINK

FABLETICS SWEATSHIRT IN EVERY

NBA ARENA IN A 500 MILE RADIUS

BECAUSE THIS SHOULD BE THE NEW

NATIONAL ANTHEM.

NO CANADIAN IN THEIR RIGHT MIND

WOULD BE ABLE TO BOO THAT.

AND I'M NOT ALONE IN LOVING THAT

SONG.

THERE ARE ALREADY MULTIPLE

REMIXES ONLINE, ALL OF WHICH ARE

VERY GOOD, AND ONE OF WHICH IS

MY FAVORITE.

♪ WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A

HOSTILE GOVERNMENT TAKEOVER ♪

♪ I WANNA TALK ABOUT IT BUT I'LL

BE LATE FOR WORK ♪

♪ AND IF YOU'RE SAYING "WAIT A

MINUTE, WHO WE HAVE TO STOP

THIS?" ♪

♪ WE HAD ONE, BUT YOU DIDN'T

WANT THAT LADY IN OFFICE ♪

♪ OFFICE, OFFICE, OFFICE ♪

I'M CALLING IT NOW:

SONG OF THE SUMMER.

BUT IN THAT EXCELLENT SONG, THAT

GUY ACTUALLY ADDRESSES OUR FINAL

QUESTION TONIGHT.

NAMELY, WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO?

IS ANYONE GOING TO STOP THIS?

AND LET'S START WITH THE PEOPLE

YOU'D NATURALLY EXPECT THE LEAST

FROM, AND THAT IS CONGRESSIONAL

REPUBLICANS.

TECHNICALLY, WHAT TRUMP'S DOING

RIGHT NOW IS USURPING CONGRESS'S

POWER OF THE PURSE.

BUT THEY DON'T SEEM THAT UPSET

ABOUT THAT.

MIKE JOHNSON HAS PUNTED, SAYING,

"IF THEY ARE EXECUTIVE BRANCH

AGENCIES, THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH

IS IN CHARGE OF THEM."

AND OTHERS, LIKE SENATOR

JOHN KENNEDY, HAVE ACTIVELY

CHEERED ON TRUMP AND MUSK, IN

THE GROSSEST POSSIBLE WAY.

LET ME TRY TO PUT ALL THIS IN

CONTEXT FOR YOU.

I LIKE OMELETS.

I MEAN, I REALLY LIKE OMELETS.

I COULD EAT AN OMELET AT EVERY

MEAL.

I LIKE OMELETS BETTER THAN SEX.

NO, NOT, NOT, NOT REALLY, BUT

YOU GET THE POINT.

I LIKE OMELETS.

YOU CAN'T MAKE AN OMELET WITHOUT

BREAKING SOME EGGS.

OKAY, THERE'S SO MUCH

TO UNPACK THERE.

FIRST, WE GOT THAT YOU LIKED

OMELETTES WHEN YOU SAID "I LIKE

OMELETTES" WE ALSO GOT IT WHEN

YOU SAID "I REALLY LIKE

OMELETTES" AND WERE MADE EVEN

FURTHER AWARE OF IT WHEN YOU

SAID "I COULD EAT AN OMELETTE AT

EVERY MEAL."

ALL THREE PERFECTLY EFFECTIVE

WAYS OF CONVEYING YOUR WEIRD

AFFINITY FOR HARD EGG SOUP.

THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON

THOUGH FOR YOU TO BRING UP SEX

AT ALL EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT

YOU CLEARLY WANTED TO.

AND NOW I'M VERY MAD AT YOU,

BECAUSE I HAVEN'T HAD TO THINK

ABOUT YOU HAVING SEX, SINCE YOU

FAMOUSLY SAID THIS DURING A

SENATE HEARING.

I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE YOUR

COCK IN MY MOUTH.

REALLY?

THAT'S A LOVELY OFFER, BUT AS

WE'VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED,

THERE'S PROBABLY HALF A DOZEN

EGGS IN THERE-- HOW ON EARTH IS

IT GOING TO FIT?

BUT TO BE FAIR, IT'S HARDLY

SURPRISING REPUBLICANS HAVE BEEN

SO QUICK TO FALL IN LINE.

DEMOCRATS, THOUGH, ARE SUPPOSED

TO BE THE OPPOSITION.

AND SOME, LIKE

AOC, HAVE MADE IT ABUNDANTLY

CLEAR HOW UNACCEPTABLE ALL THIS

IS.

AND OTHERS HAVE ATTEMPTED TO

MATCH HER ENERGY, EVEN IF THAT

MEANT STRAYING OUT OF THEIR

COMFORT ZONE.

WE DO HAVE TO-- I DON'T

SWEAR IN PUBLIC VERY WELL, BUT

- WE HAVE TO FUCK TRUMP!

EXCUSE ME, WE MOST

CERTAINLY DO NOT HAVE TO DO

THAT.

I BELIEVE THAT LAW DOESN'T TAKE

EFFECT UNTIL AT LEAST HIS THIRD

TERM!

AND I'VE GOTTA SAY, THERE'S

SOMETHING GENUINELY CHARMING

ABOUT A NON-CURSER DECIDING THIS

IS THE MOMENT TO START.

IT'S A PRETTY MOVING

DISTILLATION OF WHERE WE ARE

RIGHT NOW THAT A RESERVED 52

YEAR OLD OREGONIAN IS LIKE YOU

KNOW WHAT?

IT'S FUCK TIME.

AH, AH!

BUT UNFORTUNATELY, WHEN IT COMES

TO CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATIC

LEADERS, THEY'VE SOMETIMES SHOWN

FAR TOO LITTLE STOMACH FOR THE

FIGHT.

IN THE EARLY DAYS OF THE TRUMP

PRESIDENCY, WHEN A REPORTER

ASKED DICK DURBIN WHO'D BE

LEADING THE CHARGE AGAINST

TRUMP, HE REPLIED, "I CAN'T

ANSWER THAT.

GIVE US A LITTLE TIME...

THIS IS BRAND NEW."

BUT THE THING IS, IT IS

DEFINITIONALLY NOT.

NOT NEW.

THE PRESIDENCY IS NOT NEW.

THIS MAN IS NOT NEW.

ALL OF THIS WAS POSSIBLE TO

PREPARE FOR.

WE'VE LITERALLY KNOWN THERE WAS

GOING TO BE A 2024 ELECTION

SINCE 1789.

BUT MAYBE THE CLIP THAT SUMS UP

DEMOCRATIC LEADERSHIP THE BEST

RIGHT NOW IS THIS.

REPRESENTATIVE

HAKEEM JEFFRIES CITING NEW YORK

YANKEES OUTFIELDER AARON JUDGE

IN ARGUING IT'S BETTER TO PICK

AND CHOOSE THEIR FIGHTS, AND

FOCUS ON A CLEAR MESSAGE.

ONE OF THE REASONS HE'S A

GREAT HITTER IS HE DOES NOT

SWING AT EVERY PITCH.

HE WAITS FOR THE RIGHT ONE.

AND THEN HE SWINGS.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO SWING AT

EVERY PITCH.

WE'RE GOING TO SWING AT THE ONES

THAT MATTER FOR THE AMERICAN

PEOPLE.

OKAY, FIRST, AND LEAST

IMPORTANTLY, ARE YOU SURE YOU

WANT THAT TO BE YOUR EXAMPLE?

A GUY WHO HIT .184 IN THE POST

SEASON AS HIS TEAM LOST THE

WORLD SERIES IN 5 GAMES BECAUSE

HE PLAYED BAD DEFENSE?

IS THAT REALLY THE ANALOGY YOU

WANT TO USE HERE?

"DON'T BE MAD AT US.

WE'RE JUST LIKE A BASEBALL

PLAYER ON THE MOST HATED TEAM IN

AMERICA WHO ABSOLUTELY SHIT THE

BED IN THE MOST HIGH STAKES

SITUATION IMAGINABLE."

BUT MUCH MORE IMPORTANTLY,

"WE'RE GOING TO SWING AT THE

ONES THAT MATTER FOR THE

AMERICAN PEOPLE?"

WHO IS THAT EXACTLY?

IS IT TRANS PEOPLE GETTING

DENIED HEALTHCARE AND BULLIED

OUT OF PUBLIC EXISTENCE?

IS IT IMMIGRANT FAMILIES BEING

TERRORIZED BY ICE?

OR THOUSANDS OF CIVIL SERVANTS

BEING HARASSED OUT OF THEIR

JOBS?

PLEASE, JUST LET US KNOW WHO YOU

THINK IS WORTH SWINGING FOR,

BECAUSE IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE

YOU'RE STRIKING OUT LOOKING

RIGHT NOW.

AND LOOK, IF YOU HAVE A

DEMOCRATIC REPRESENTATIVE WHO'S

DRAGGING THEIR FEET, I DO THINK

CALLING TO YELL AT THEM HAS

SOME VALUE.

AT THE VERY LEAST, IT SHOWS THEM

THEIR INACTION ISN'T GOING

UNNOTICED.

AND IF THEY CONTINUE NOT TO

REACT, WE SHOULD BE PRIMARYING

THE SHIT OUT OF THEM, AND

GROUNDWORK FOR DOING THAT

ACTUALLY NEEDS TO BE LAID PRETTY

SOON.

BUT SO FAR, THE BEST BACKSTOPS

FOR ALL THIS HAVE BEEN OUTSIDE

OF THE LEGISLATIVE BRANCH.

IN SOME CASES, DEMOCRATIC STATE

AG'S HAVE BANDED TOGETHER TO

FILE LAWSUITS.

AND COURTS HAVE STOPPED OR

SLOWED SOME OF TRUMP'S MOST

DAMAGING MOVES, WITH EVEN JUDGES

APPOINTED BY TRUMP PUSHING BACK.

JUST THIS WEEK, THE DOJ

ANNOUNCED PLANS TO DROP THEIR

CASE AGAINST NEW YORK MAYOR

ERIC ADAMS, SAYING IF CHARGES

WERE DISMISSED, HE'D BE BETTER

ABLE TO HELP WITH IMMIGRATION

ENFORCEMENT.

THEY DENIED IT WAS A QUID PRO

QUO, DESPITE IT DOING A PRETTY

GOOD IMPRESSION OF ONE, BUT

MULTIPLE FEDERAL PROSECUTORS

FLAT-OUT REFUSED TO GO ALONG

WITH IT.

SEVERAL EVEN QUIT IN PROTEST,

WITH ONE WRITING A LETTER

SAYING, "I EXPECT YOU WILL

EVENTUALLY FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL

BE ENOUGH OF A FOOL, OR ENOUGH

OF A COWARD, TO FILE YOUR

MOTION.

BUT IT WAS NEVER GOING TO BE

ME."

"PLEASE CONSIDER THIS MY

RESIGNATION."

AND WHILE HE DIDN'T TECHNICALLY

WRITE THE WORD BITCH AT THE END

OF THAT LETTER, I'D BE AMAZED IF

CLIPPY DIDN'T POP UP TO SUGGEST

IT.

THAT'S NOT THE ONLY MOMENT OF

COURAGE THAT WE'VE SEEN.

A DOCTOR HERE IN NEW YORK TOLD

HIS PATIENTS "I'M WILLING TO GO

TO JAIL TO CONTINUE TO PROVIDE

YOUR GENDER-AFFIRMING CARE."

AND IN MANY CITIES, GROUPS LIKE

THESE, FIGHTING FOR IMMIGRANTS,

HAVE COORDINATED RESPONSES TO

ICE RAIDS.

IN FACT, REMEMBER TRUMP'S BORDER

CZAR, TOM HOMAN, TAKING DR. PHIL

AND A BUNCH OF CAMERAS OUT ON

RAIDS?

IN CHICAGO, WHICH HE'D SAID

WOULD BE "GROUND ZERO" FOR THEIR

MASS DEPORTATION PLANS, THOSE

RAIDS WERE LESS SUCCESSFUL THAN

HE WANTED THEM TO BE, AND HE WAS

PRETTY OPEN ABOUT WHY.

I MEAN, SANCTUARY CITIES ARE

MAKING IT VERY DIFFICULT TO

ARREST THE CRIMINALS.

FOR INSTANCE, CHICAGO, VERY WELL

EDUCATED.

THEY'VE BEEN EDUCATED HOW TO HOW

TO DEFY ICE, HOW TO HOW TO HOW

TO HIDE FROM ICE.

AND I'VE SEEN MANY PAMPHLETS

FROM MANY OF THE NGOS, "HERE'S

HOW YOU ESCAPE ICE FROM

ARRESTING YOU.

HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO DO."

THEY CALL IT KNOW YOUR RIGHTS.

I CALL IT HOW TO ESCAPE ARREST.

THERE'S A WARRANT FOR YOUR

ARREST, AND THEY TELL YOU HOW

TO, HOW TO HIDE FROM ICE.

"NO, DON'T OPEN YOUR DOOR.

DON'T ANSWER QUESTIONS."

RIGHT.

AND THAT'S GOOD ADVICE.

ALSO, IF YOU'RE RELYING ON

PEOPLE NOT KNOWING THE LAW IN

AND YOUR RIGHTS IN ORDER TO DO

YOUR JOB, SEEMS LIKE YOU MIGHT

BE PART OF THE PROBLEM.

AND ALL ELSE ASIDE, I FULLY GET

WHY PEOPLE ARE NOT LETTING YOU

IN PARTICULAR INTO THEIR HOME.

YOU'RE A BALD WEIRDO WITH

TERRIBLE VIBES, YOU LOOK AND

SOUND LIKE JK SIMMONS CHOKING ON

A MARBLE, AND I'M ROOTING FOR

THE MARBLE.

LOOK, THE NEXT FOUR YEARS ARE

GOING TO FEEL INCREDIBLY SHITTY.

THE POTENTIAL FOR PAIN IS

DEVASTATING, AS IS THE SHEER

AMOUNT OF IT THAT'S ALREADY BEEN

DOLED OUT.

WE'RE SEEING WEALTHY, POWERFUL

MEN USE THE LEVERS OF GOVERNMENT

FOR THEIR PERSONAL ENRICHMENT AS

WELL AS THEIR PERSONAL

GRIEVANCES.

AND WE'RE BEING GOVERNED BY

THOSE WHO THINK GOOD PUBLIC

POLICY CONSISTS OF "CUT OFF

FUNDING TO ANYONE WHO ISN'T ME,

MAKE IT ILLEGAL TO MENTION

PEOPLE WHO ARE DIFFERENT, AND

FUCK IT, LET'S STEAL CANADA

WHILE WE'RE AT IT."

MEANWHILE MANY OF THOSE WE'VE

ELECTED TO FIGHT BACK SEEM TO BE

RESTING ON THEIR HEELS "WAITING

FOR THEIR PITCH."

THIS IS ALL BONKERS, TERRIFYING,

AND DARKLY ABSURD.

IT'S WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT AND

WE THOUGHT ABOUT IT A LOT!

TO PUT IT MILDLY, THINGS AREN'T

LOOKING GREAT RIGHT NOW.

BUT DEFEAT IS A SELF-FULFILLING

PROPHECY.

AS MUCH AS WE ROLL OUR EYES AT

SOME OF THE "RESISTANCE" IN

TRUMP'S FIRST TERM-- SOME OF

WHICH WAS VERY ANNOYING, SOME OF

WHICH I AM ANNOYED BY, TOO--

PLEASE, TELL YOUR AUNT TO STOP

SAYING IT-- BUT SOME OF THAT

ENERGY DID MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

REMEMBER THOSE EARLY PROTESTS AT

THE AIRPORTS OVER TRUMP'S

PROPOSED TRAVEL BAN?

A FORMER PROSECUTOR RECENTLY

WROTE ABOUT HOW SEEING THOSE

PROTESTS HELPED OTHERS LIKE HIM

WHO WERE FIGHTING WITHIN THE

DOJ TO RESCIND OR LIMIT THE

ORDER-- SAYING, "PUBLIC OUTRAGE

GAVE US COURAGE AND THE

KNOWLEDGE THAT WE WERE, IN FACT,

WORKING IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST,"

AND "ADVOCACY ON THE OUTSIDE

MADE ADVOCACY ON THE INSIDE

POSSIBLE."

SO FOR ALL THOSE FEDERAL WORKERS

GOING THROUGH IT RIGHT NOW,

SUPPORT AND SOLIDARITY REALLY

MATTER.

THE POINT IS, NOW IS ABSOLUTELY

NOT THE TIME TO BE LOOKING AWAY,

SAYING "THIS IS WHAT YOU FUCKERS

VOTED FOR" AND TURNING YOUR

BACKS.

ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE ARE MANY

GOOD PEOPLE, DOING IMPORTANT

WORK OUT THERE, WHO YOU CAN BOTH

JOIN AND SUPPORT.

WHAT'S AHEAD IS GOING TO BE

EXHAUSTING.

AND TO GET THROUGH THIS, WE'RE

GOING TO HAVE TO FIND A BALANCE

BETWEEN ACKNOWLEDGING THE HELL

OF WHAT IS GOING ON AND FINDING

THE JOY THAT CAN SUSTAIN US--

AND SOMETIMES, IF WE'RE LUCKY,

FINDING BOTH IN THE SAME PLACE,

IN THE FORM OF THE SINGLE

CATCHIEST SONG EVER WRITTEN.

♪ WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A

HOSTILE GOVERNMENT TAKEOVER ♪

I MEAN, WE ARE.

AND NOW, THIS.

AND NOW,

SOME BETTER NAMES FROM THE

WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW.

ROADHOUSE.

STEPHEN.

BIRTH.

THE DREAMER WHO WINS INSIDE THE

DREAM.

SABRINA CARPENTER.

VIOLENCE.

AFTER THE TALIBAN TOOK POWER IN

2021, AFGHAN OPIUM PRODUCTION

DECLINED BY OVER 90%.

CORNCOB.

MOM CONNERY.

AND LUIGI MANGIONE.

CHAIR

THAT'S OUR SHOW.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.

WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

GOOD NIGHT!