Original subtitles

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

John: WELCOME, WELCOME,

WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT"!

I'M JOHN OLIVER.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING

US.

WE'RE BACK AND IT HAS BEEN A

BUSY WEEK!

BOEING'S STARLINER CAPSULE

RETURNED HOME FROM SPACE,

WITHOUT ITS ASTRONAUTS ON BOARD.

HUNTER BIDEN PLEADED GUILTY TO

TAX CHARGES.

AND VENEZUELA'S PRESIDENT

NICOLAS MADURO TRIED TO STEM

PROTESTS OVER WHAT'S WIDELY SEEN

AS JULY'S STOLEN ELECTION, WITH

THIS DESPERATE ANNOUNCEMENT.

THIS YEAR, IN ALL OF YOUR

HONOR AS A THANK YOU TO ALL OF

YOU, I'M DECLARING THAT

CHRISTMAS IS MOVING UP TO

OCTOBER 1ST.

CHRISTMAS STARTS OCTOBER 1ST.

FOR EVERYONE.

John: OH, COME ON!

YOU CAN'T JUST THROW UP

CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS IN OCTOBER

TO DISTRACT FROM YOUR SHITTY

POLITICS, YOU'RE NOT HOBBY

LOBBY.

ALSO, CHRISTMAS DOESN'T START

WHEN A PRESIDENT SAYS IT DOES.

AS WE ALL KNOW, CHRISTMAS STARTS

WHEN MARIAH CAREY POPS OUT OF

HER 11 MONTH COMA.

WAIT FOR HER SIGNAL.

BUT WE'RE GOING TO MOVE ON TO

THE U.S. ELECTION, WHICH IS

ENTERING ITS FINAL MONTHS.

SEVERAL STATES HAVE BEEN RUNNING

CONTESTS TO PICK THEIR "I VOTED"

STICKERS, AND JUST THIS WEEK,

MICHIGAN UNVEILED NINE WINNERS,

FEATURING SOME EXCELLENT

CHOICES.

CONGRATULATIONS TO OLIVIA

FROM HOLLY HIGH SCHOOL SHE

DESIGNED THIS COLORFUL STICKER

THAT SAYS "YAY I VOTED."

AND WE ALSO WANT TO SHOW YOU

THIS ONE THIS ONE IS CRAZY I

LOVE IT JANE FROM BROWNELL

MIDDLE SCHOOL.

IT'S AN AMERICAN FLAG AND

APPEARS TO BE A WOLF RIPPING OFF

HIS SHIRT.

JUST TURNT UP FROM VOTING.

John: YES.

EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT'S PERFECT.

THE LINE WORK, THE KINETIC

ENERGY OF THE SHIRT BEING RIPPED

OFF, THE WOLF'S HEAD THROWN BACK

IN PATRIOTIC ECSTASY AT THE

CONCEPT OF DEMOCRACY.

I KNOW THIS ISN'T THE POINT, BUT

I'D COMMIT VOTER FRAUD TO GET

MULTIPLES OF THAT STICKER.

AND IT'S NOT JUST MICHIGAN--

KENTUCKY'S WINNER WAS THIS

LOVELY DRAWING OF A HORSE, BUT

MY FAVORITE THERE WAS ACTUALLY

THIS RUNNER-UP ENTRY.

THIRD GRADER CASH LITZLER OF

FLEMINGSBURG WON OVER THE

INTERNET'S HUMOR WITH HIS

DRAWING THAT WAS LESS

CONVENTIONAL THAN OTHERS.

BUT I'LL LET HIM EXPLAIN THE

INSPIRATION.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DRAW.

SO, I WATCHED THE SPIDER-MAN

MOVIES LIKE THREE DAYS BEFORE IT

AND I WAS JUST DRAWING.

AND THEN MOM TOLD ME ABOUT THE

CONTEST, AND I WANTED TO ENTER

IT.

MOM TELLS ME CASH'S THINKING

WAS, "IF LIZARD MAN CAN VOTE,

YOU CAN TOO."

John: "IF LIZARD MAN CAN

VOTE, YOU CAN TOO."

THAT IS A POWERFUL MESSAGE.

AT THE END OF THE DAY, LIZARD

MEN IN DISGUISE DON'T SECRETLY

RUN THE GOVERNMENT, THEY GET ONE

VOTE, JUST LIKE YOU AND ME.

AS FOR THE PRESIDENTIAL

CANDIDATES, THEY'RE SCHEDULED TO

DEBATE NEXT TUESDAY.

AND TRUMP CONTINUES TO BATTLE

THE FACT THAT HE AND J.D. VANCE

HAVE BEEN CALLED "WEIRD"-- A

LABEL THAT SEEMS TO GENUINELY

BOTHER HIM.

J.D.'S NOT WEIRD.

HE'S A SOLID ROCK.

I HAPPEN TO BE A VERY SOLID

ROCK.

WE'RE NOT WEIRD.

WE'RE OTHER THINGS, PERHAPS.

BUT WE'RE NOT WEIRD.

John: BUT THAT'S THE WEIRDEST

POSSIBLE WAY TO ADDRESS THAT

ACCUSATION.

"HE'S A SOLID ROCK.

I HAPPEN TO BE A VERY SOLID

ROCK."

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'M NOT SURE I'D DESCRIBE ANY

PART OF J.D. VANCE AS "ROCK

SOLID."

UNLESS, OF COURSE, HE WAS IN A

WEST ELM SHOWROOM.

THOUGH TRUMP'S HALF RIGHT!

HE AND VANCE ARE LOTS OF THINGS:

THEY'RE MISOGYNISTS,

NARCISSISTS, MEN WHO CUM DEAD

SILENT, PLAUSIBLE MASKED SINGER

CONTESTANTS.

BUT THEY ARE ALSO, DEEPLY WEIRD.

AND EACH DAY SEEMS TO BRING NEW

EVIDENCE OF VANCE FAILING TO

CONNECT WITH ORDINARY AMERICANS

FROM BEING BOOED BY

FIREFIGHTERS, WHOM HE REFERRED

TO AS HATERS, TO THE VIRAL CLIP

OF HIM UTTERLY FAILING TO MAKE

SMALL TALK IN A DONUT SHOP, WITH

THE LOW BEING THIS.

WE'RE GONNA DO TWO DOZEN?

OKAY.

YEAH.

JUST A, Y'KNOW, RANDOM

ASSORTMENT OF STUFF HERE.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU WORKED HERE?

I'VE BEEN HERE SINCE THE

BEGINNING OF JULY.

OKAY.

OF THIS YEAR.

OKAY.

GOOD.

HOW ABOUT YOU, SIR?

ALMOST TWO YEARS.

OKAY.

GOOD.

HOW LONG HAS THIS--

EVERYTHING?

JUST EVERYTHING, YEAH, GONNA

BE A LOT OF GLAZED HERE, SOME

SPRINKLE STUFF, SOME OF THESE

CINNAMON ROLLS-- WHATEVER MAKES

SENSE.

John: HOW ARE YOU THAT BAD AT

BASIC HUMAN INTERACTIONS?

"WHATEVER MAKES SENSE?"

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT DONUT TO

ORDER, JUST SAY "SURPRISE ME!"

IT'S FUN.

IT'S ANNOYING TO EVERY SERVER

WHO'S EVER LIVED, BUT IT'S AT

LEAST A HUMAN RESPONSE.

BUT "WHATEVER MAKES SENSE?"

MY FREAKY LITTLE BITCH, YOU ARE

IN A DONUT SHOP.

NOTHING MAKES SENSE THERE.

SOME HAVE SPRINKLES, SOME ARE

FRITTERS, SOME CONTAIN A JELLY

FOUND IN NO OTHER PLACE ON

EARTH.

YOU ARE EATING CAKE FOR

BREAKFAST, IT'S TOTAL CHAOS, BUT

PICKING OUT A DONUT IS SOMETHING

MOST OF US FIGURED OUT BY AGE

THREE.

AND TRUMP CLEARLY SHOULD'VE

KNOWN ABOUT VANCE'S LACK OF

CHARM, BECAUSE IT'S BEEN ON

DISPLAY FOR ALL TO SEE-- FROM

HIS MANY PODCAST APPEARANCES

WHERE HE'S SAID THINGS LIKE,

WOMEN WHO DON'T HAVE KIDS ARE

CHOOSING A "PATH TO MISERY."

TO THE AWKWARD MOMENTS LIKE WHEN

HE SHOWED UP TO A PICKET LINE

LAST YEAR AND TRIED TO TURN A

FISTBUMP INTO A HANDSHAKE, AND

THEN OFFERED HIS OWN FISTBUMP

AND GOT LEFT HANGING.

THAT IS JUST BRUTAL TO WATCH.

JUST THIS WEEK, A CLIP

RESURFACED OF HIM DURING HIS

SENATE CAMPAIGN TWO YEARS AGO,

FLOP-SWEATING THROUGH SOME

SHITTY JOKES ABOUT KAMALA

HARRIS.

WHILE WE'RE ON THE TOPIC OF

JOE BIDEN, OF COURSE, IF HE DID

NOT MAKE IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH

HIS FOUR YEARS, HE IS LIKELY TO

BE REPLACED BY KAMALA HARRIS,

WHO I'VE HEARD CALLED CACKLELA

HARRIS, BECAUSE SHE HAS THIS

WEIRD CACKLE, RIGHT?

BUT, I HEARD A JOKE ABOUT KAMALA

THAT I THOUGHT WAS PRETTY FUNNY

RECENTLY, THAT, YOU KNOW, BILL

CLINTON WAS WATCHING ON TV AND

BILL THOUGHT, Y'KNOW, MAN, SHE'S

JUST SO CONDESCENDING, SHE'S

MEAN-SPIRITED, SHE'S KIND OF

NASTY.

MAYBE I SHOULD LEAVE MY

WIFE AND MARRY HER INSTEAD.

SORRY, THAT'S A LITTLE--

John: LOOK, J.D., COMEDIAN TO

COMEDIAN, NEVER MAKE THE SET UP

"I HEARD A JOKE THAT I THOUGHT

WAS PRETTY FUNNY RECENTLY," BUT,

IF YOU DO, MAKE SURE THAT WHAT

YOU SAY NEXT IS FUNNY AND ALSO,

AN ACTUAL JOKE.

BUT TRUMP'S SUPPORTERS WILL

INSIST THIS CONTEST IS ABOUT

POLICY, NOT PERSONALITY.

BUT POLICY, THEY'RE EVEN MORE

TOXIC AND WEIRD.

JUST THIS WEEK, BOTH MEN

ADDRESSED THE COST OF CHILD

CARE.

VANCE SUGGESTED THAT, "MAYBE

GRANDMA OR GRANDPA WANTS TO HELP

OUT A LITTLE BIT MORE."

AND TRUMP GOT A VERY SPECIFIC

QUESTION ABOUT IT AT AN ECONOMIC

FORUM.

AND I'M GOING TO PLAY HIS FULL

TWO-MINUTE ANSWER.

BECAUSE IT'S GENUINELY

REMARKABLE HOW LONG HE TAKES TO

SAY SO LITTLE.

CAN YOU COMMIT TO

PRIORITIZING LEGISLATION TO MAKE

CHILDCARE AFFORDABLE, AND IF SO,

WHAT SPECIFIC PIECE OF

LEGISLATION WOULD YOU ADVANCE?

WELL, I WOULD DO THAT, AND

WE'RE SITTING DOWN-- YOU KNOW

AND I WAS, SOMEBODY, WE HAD

SENATOR MARCO RUBIO, AND MY

DAUGHTER IVANKA WAS SO IMPACTFUL

ON THAT ISSUE.

IT'S A VERY IMPORTANT ISSUE.

BUT I THINK WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT

THE KIND OF NUMBERS THAT I'M

TALKING ABOUT, THAT, BECAUSE,

LOOK, CHILD CARE IS CHILD CARE

IS.

IT'S, COULDN'T, YOU KNOW,

THERE'S SOMETHING, YOU HAVE TO

HAVE IT.

IN THIS COUNTRY YOU HAVE TO HAVE

IT.

BUT WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT THOSE

NUMBERS COMPARED TO THE KIND OF

NUMBERS THAT I'M TALKING ABOUT

BY TAXING FOREIGN NATIONS AT

LEVELS THAT THEY'RE NOT USED

TO-- BUT THEY'LL GET USED TO IT

VERY QUICKLY-- AND IT'S NOT

GONNA STOP THEM FROM DOING

BUSINESS WITH US, BUT THEY'LL

HAVE A VERY SUBSTANTIAL TAX WHEN

THEY SEND PRODUCT INTO OUR

COUNTRY.

THOSE NUMBERS ARE SO MUCH BIGGER

THAN ANY NUMBERS THAT WE'RE

TALKING ABOUT, INCLUDING

CHILDCARE, THAT IT'S GOING TO

TAKE CARE. WE'RE GONNA HAVE--

I, I LOOK FORWARD TO HAVING NO

DEFICITS WITHIN A FAIRLY SHORT

PERIOD OF TIME, COUPLED WITH THE

REDUCTIONS THAT I TOLD YOU ABOUT

ON WASTE AND FRAUD AND ALL OF

THE OTHER THINGS THAT ARE GOING

ON IN OUR COUNTRY, BECAUSE I

HAVE TO STAY WITH CHILD CARE.

I WANT TO STAY WITH CHILD CARE,

BUT THOSE NUMBERS ARE SMALL

RELATIVE TO THE KIND OF ECONOMIC

NUMBERS THAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,

INCLUDING GROWTH, BUT GROWTH

ALSO HEADED UP BY WHAT THE PLAN

IS THAT I JUST, THAT I JUST TOLD

YOU ABOUT.

WE'RE GONNA BE TAKING IN

TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS, AND AS

MUCH AS CHILD CARE IS TALKED

ABOUT AS BEING EXPENSIVE, IT'S

RELATIVELY SPEAKING NOT VERY

EXPENSIVE COMPARED TO THE KIND

OF NUMBERS WE'LL BE TAKING IN.

WE'RE GOING TO MAKE THIS INTO AN

INCREDIBLE COUNTRY THAT CAN

AFFORD TO TAKE CARE OF ITS

PEOPLE, AND THEN WE'LL WORRY

ABOUT THE REST OF THE WORLD.

LET'S HELP OTHER PEOPLE.

BUT WE'RE GOING TO TAKE CARE OF

OUR COUNTRY FIRST.

THIS IS ABOUT AMERICA FIRST.

IT'S ABOUT "MAKE AMERICA GREAT

AGAIN."

WE HAVE TO DO IT, BECAUSE RIGHT

NOW, WE'RE A FAILING NATION.

SO WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

THANK YOU.

VERY GOOD QUESTION.

[APPLAUSE]

John: WHAT WAS THAT?

THAT APPLAUSE ISN'T SATISFACTION

WITH THE ANSWER, IT'S RELIEF

IT'S FINALLY OVER.

THAT'S THE PUBLIC-SPEAKING

EQUIVALENT OF AN AUDIENCE FAKING

AN ORGASM.

"YOU DID IT, YOU CAN STOP NOW,

PLEASE."

BUT LOOK AT HIS ANSWER-- THIS

IS THE FULL TEXT.

IT'S LIKE CHATGPT HAVING A

MENTAL BREAKDOWN.

A BUNCH OF INCOHERENT RAMBLING

AROUND NONSPECIFIC IMPLICATIONS

THAT TARIFFS WILL FIX

EVERYTHING, WHICH OF COURSE,

THEY WON'T.

LOOK, THE BAD NEWS IS, FOR THE

NEXT TWO MONTHS WE'RE GOING TO

BE SUBJECTED TO AN EXCRUCIATING

AMOUNT OF NONSENSE LIKE THAT.

THE GOOD NEWS IS, COME NOVEMBER,

THERE'S A CHANCE FOR AMERICA TO

REJECT THAT BULLSHIT ONCE AND

FOR ALL.

AND IF THAT HAPPENS, IT'S HARD

TO PUT INTO WORDS HOW LIBERATING

THAT MIGHT FEEL.

LUCKILY, I KNOW OF ONE

PARTICULAR STICKER THAT GETS

THAT FEELING ACROSS PRETTY

FUCKING WELL.

AND NOW, THIS.

Announcer: AND NOW,

PONY LITTLE HAS SOMETHING YOU HE

WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT HIM.

I'VE MANY CHALLENGES IN MY

LIFE SO I HAD KNEE PROBLEMS,

BACK PROBLEMS, PERIOD >> YOU

TALK ABOUT IT YOU HAD KNEE

ISSUES--

I'VE HAD EVERY ISSUE.

FROM BEING HIT BY A SCHOOL BUS.

I WANTED TO PEOPLE TO REALIZE I

WAS HIT BY A SCHOOL BUS.

IT'S BECAUSE I WAS HIT BY A

SCHOOL BUS.

I WAS HIT BY A SCHOOL BUS.

HIT THE ONLY HILL IN FLORIDA

AND HIT A TREE.

HIT THE ONLY HILL IN FLORIDA

AND HIT A TREE.

SPEAK I HAD THE ONLY HILL IN

FLORIDA AND I HIT A TREE AND I

WAS HIT BY A LOBSTER TRUCK IN

MIAMI.

I WAS HIT BY A LOBSTER TRUCK

AND HAVE YOU GOTTEN HIT BY A

LOBSTER TRUCK?

NO.

THE MAIN ONE I WAS HIT BY A

SCHOOL BUS.

HIT THE ONLY HILL IN FLORIDA AND

HIT A TREE.

HIT BY A LOBSTER TRUCK IN MIAMI.

I MEAN THAT WAS JUST MY LIFE.

ANYWAY, FORGET THAT PART OF IT.

John: MOVING ON.

OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS

LUNCH.

THE MEAL YOU SAVE FOR FRIENDS

THAT AREN'T INTERESTING ENOUGH

FOR DINNER.

SPECIFICALLY, WE'RE GOING TO

TALK ABOUT SCHOOL LUNCH, WHICH

IS, AMONG OTHER THINGS, THE

INSPIRATION FOR THIS BONKERS PSA

FROM THE 1980s.

I'M TIRED OF CANDY!

TIRED OF GUM!

TIRED OF HUNGER, AND FOOD THAT'S

NO FUN.

I'M TIRED OF PRETENDING I DON'T

LIKE SPAGHETTI, BUT SCHOOL LUNCH

KEEPS ME ROARIN' READY AND ROCK

STEADY.

PIZZA, SPAGHETTI, BURGERS!

RAH!

WITH CHOW DADDY IN YOUR

SCHOOL CAFETERIA, IT'S THE FUN

PLACE TO BE FOR LUNCH.

DESSERTS!

John: OKAY.

LET'S BREAK THAT DOWN.

STRAIGHT AWAY, WE OPEN ON A

CLOSEUP OF "CHOW DADDY," WHOSE

NAME MAKES HIM SOUND LIKE THE

UNDEFEATED PUSSY-EATING CHAMPION

OF THE WORLD.

THEN, HE CLAIMS: I'M TIRED OF

CANDY.

TIRED OF GUM"-- A BOLD CHOICE

IF YOU'RE WRITING SOMETHING KIDS

NEED TO RELATE TO-- BEFORE

CONTINUING, "I'M TIRED OF

PRETENDING I DON'T LIKE

SPAGHETTI."

AND, WHAT?

WHO'S FORCING YOU TO DO THAT,

C.D.?

HE THEN THROWS IN A MOONWALK,

CEMENTING THE NOTION HE'S A

"PUBLIC ACCESS MICHAEL JACKSON

FROM THRILLER."

AND ENDS BY JUST LISTING FOODS,

ENDING WITH THE CONCEPT OF

"DESSERTS!"

I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT ENCOURAGED

KIDS TO EAT SCHOOL LUNCH, BUT

IT'S FASCINATING TO WATCH, AND

ONE DAY, I'M SURE WE'LL FIND OUT

HOW MUCH WEAPONS GRADE COCAINE

IT TOOK TO COME UP WITH THAT AD.

THE LUNCHES CHOW DADDY IS

REFERRING TO COME FROM THE

NATIONAL SCHOOL LUNCH PROGRAM,

THE FEDERALLY ASSISTED PROGRAM

THAT PROVIDES MEALS TO

SCHOOLCHILDREN.

IT WAS LAUNCHED IN 1946, AND

SINCE THEN, HAS GROWN TO BECOME

MASSIVE, WITH OVER 90% OF PUBLIC

SCHOOLS PARTICIPATING IN IT.

LAST YEAR ALONE, THE PROGRAM

PROVIDED 4.6 BILLION LUNCHES.

WHICH IS INCREDIBLE.

BUT SCHOOL LUNCHES ARE ALSO THE

SUBJECT OF CONSTANT CRITICISM

FROM KIDS.

WHICH SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISING.

KIDS ARE PICKY-- WHOLE NEW

FOODS ARE CREATED TO COMBAT

THAT.

GOGURT ONLY EXISTS BECAUSE SOME

KID WAS LIKE "OVER MY DEAD BODY

WILL I EAT YOGURT WITH A SPOON,

I'D LIKE IT TO COME OUT OF A

PLASTIC ESOPHAGUS" AND THE

MARKET COMPLIED.

BUT NEVERTHELESS, IF YOU ASK

STUDENTS FOR THEIR OPINIONS ON

THEIR SCHOOL LUNCHES, THEY WILL

BE BRUTALLY HONEST.

IF YOU HAD TO DESCRIBE SCHOOL

LUNCH IN ONE WORD, HOW WOULD YOU

DESCRIBE IT?

I WOULD SAY WEIRD.

RANCID.

RAW.

UNAPPETIZING.

UNEDIBLE.

I DON'T LIKE THE TASTE OR THE

TEXTURE.

FOOD IS ALWAYS COLD.

THE PORTIONS ARE, LIKE,

SMALL.

NO, LITERALLY.

THEY GAVE US TWO CHICKEN

TENDERS.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH CHICKEN

TENDERS?

John: I MEAN, TO BE FAIR,

SHE'S RIGHT ABOUT THAT.

THE CORRECT NUMBER OF CHICKEN

TENDERS ISN'T TWO.

THAT ISN'T THE CORRECT NUMBER

FOR ANY FOOD.

I WANT MY CHICKEN TENDERS IN ODD

PRIME NUMBERS.

3 IS A SNACK, 5 IS A MEAL,

AND 7 IS A CRY FOR HELP.

BUT I'M NOT HERE TONIGHT TO SHIT

ON SCHOOL LUNCHES.

BECAUSE THE VERY FACT THEY

HAPPEN AT ALL IS REMARKABLE.

SCHOOL NUTRITION DIRECTORS OFTEN

SAY THEY RUN THE "BIGGEST

RESTAURANT IN TOWN," WHICH

DOESN'T SEEM LIKE AN

OVERSTATEMENT WHEN YOU SEE THIS

SNAPSHOT FROM A SCHOOL IN L.A.

USUALLY, YOU START LUNCH

AROUND 9:00.

WE HAVE TO COOK EVERYTHING IN

BATCHES, BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE

ENOUGH OVENS.

AND THEN SO, FROM 10:00 TO, I'D

SAY 11:30, EVERYBODY'S PANICKING

THE WHOLE TIME.

SO, WE DO THE HAMBURGERS FIRST,

WE GET THOSE GOING, WE GET THE

FRIES GOING, THEN WE GET PIZZA

GOING, GET THE CHICKEN NUGGETS

FOR THE VEGAN MENU TODAY.

SO, IT'S CONSTANTLY BATCH,

BATCH, BATCH.

WE SERVE ABOUT, I'D SAY 1,500 A

DAY OR MORE.

THAT INCLUDES BREAKFAST, LUNCH,

AND SUPPER.

John: OKAY, PUTTING ASIDE THE

COGNITIVE DISSONANCE OF HAVING

CHICKEN NUGGETS BE THE VEGAN

MENU ITEM OF THE DAY, THAT IS

IMPRESSIVE.

IF YOU HAD TO DO 1,500 OF

WHATEVER YOUR JOB IS, EVEN

ONCE, YOU'D SNAP.

IF YOU WERE A VET AND HAD TO

GIVE ONE DOG ITS EAR MEDICINE -

FINE.

10 DOGS?

THAT'S A LOT BUT OKAY.

A HUNDRED?

THIS IS GETTING UNREASONABLE.

BUT 1,500 DOGS NEED EAR MEDICINE

AND SOME OF THEM ARE VEGAN?

JUST WALK OUT AND START A NEW

LIFE SOMEWHERE ELSE.

LUNCH PROGRAMS ARE SUCH A

MASSIVE UNDERTAKING, THEY'VE

EVEN BEEN REFERRED TO AS A

"DAILY MIRACLE."

AND FOR MANY KIDS, SCHOOL MEALS

ARE ACTUALLY THEIR MOST RELIABLE

SOURCE OF NUTRITION.

WHICH IS WHY IT'S SO IMPORTANT

THE PROGRAM WORK AS WELL AS IT

CAN, FOR AS MANY KIDS AS IT CAN.

UNFORTUNATELY, IN TOO MANY

PLACES, THAT'S JUST NOT THE

CASE.

SO GIVEN THAT, TONIGHT, WITH

MANY SCHOOLS AROUND THE COUNTRY

JUST STARTING BACK UP AGAIN,

LET'S TALK ABOUT SCHOOL LUNCHES.

AND LET'S START WITH THE QUALITY

OF THE FOOD.

BECAUSE THOSE STUDENTS WEREN'T

ENTIRELY OFF-BASE.

NOT EVERY MEAL SERVED INSIDE A

SCHOOL IS PERFECT.

BUT THAT'S OFTEN BECAUSE SCHOOL

CAFETERIAS ARE HAVING TO OPERATE

UNDER SEVERE BUDGET CONSTRAINTS.

SCHOOL LUNCHES ARE SUBSIDIZED BY

THE GOVERNMENT, WHICH SETS A

CEILING ON HOW MUCH IT'LL PAY

FOR ANY GIVEN MEAL.

BUT THAT CEILING IS SET WAY TOO

LOW.

ONE SURVEY OF SCHOOL DISTRICTS

FOUND THAT AROUND TWO THIRDS

SAID THE FUNDS THEY RECEIVED

WERE NOT SUFFICIENT TO COVER THE

COSTS OF PRODUCING LUNCH.

WHICH MAKES SENSE WHEN YOU FIND

OUT THEY ONLY GET AROUND $4 PER

MEAL, WHICH HAS TO COVER

EVERYTHING FROM FOOD COSTS TO

EQUIPMENT UPGRADES TO STAFF

SALARIES.

JUST LISTEN TO THIS FORMER HEAD

CHEF AT NOMA, ONE OF THE TOP

RESTAURANTS IN THE WORLD, WHO

FOUNDED A COMPANY THAT PLACES

PROFESSIONAL CHEFS IN SCHOOL

KITCHENS, EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENS

TO THAT $4, AND EVERYTHING IT

HAS TO GO TOWARD.

THAT'S ACTUALLY FOR

MAINTENANCE, IT'S FOR PAYING

PEOPLE TO MAKE THE FOOD-- SO,

WHEN IT'S ALL SAID AND DONE, YOU

HAVE ABOUT A DOLLAR AND A

QUARTER FOR FOOD.

MAKING FOOD, A MEAL, THAT KIDS

REALLY WANT TO EAT FOR $1.25 IS

SUPER CHALLENGING.

John: YEAH, OF COURSE IT IS.

$1.25 DOESN'T COVER THE COST OF

FOOD PRETTY MUCH ANYWHERE.

EVEN AT COSTCO, THE HOTDOG AND

SODA COMBO IS $1.50, AND THAT'S

ONLY BECAUSE THE CO-FOUNDER ONCE

SAID, AND THIS IS TRUE, "IF YOU

RAISE THE PRICE OF THE FUCKING

HOT DOG, I WILL KILL YOU."

THAT'S A REAL QUOTE, FROM A TRUE

LEADER.

SO THE BUDGET ALONE IS A REAL

CHALLENGE.

AS IS THE FACT THAT IT'S

IMPORTANT KIDS ACTUALLY TAKE THE

MEALS.

BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT ONLY

REIMBURSES SCHOOLS FOR MEALS

THAT STUDENTS TAKE.

MEANING, IF KIDS DON'T LIKE

WHAT'S BEING SERVED AND IGNORE

IT, THE SCHOOL DOESN'T GET ANY

MONEY, AND GOES INTO THE HOLE.

SO YOU NEED AN APPEALING MEAL

THAT COMES IN AT ROCK-BOTTOM

PRICES.

THAT'S A KEY REASON WHY MANY

SCHOOLS OPT TO JUST HEAT AND

SERVE PRE-MADE MEALS.

AND THAT APPROACH HAS OPENED

THEM UP TO CRITICISM-- JAMIE

OLIVER, A MAN TO WHOM I AM

SURPRISINGLY NOT RELATED, HAD A

SHOW IN 2010 WHERE HE TRIED TO

MAKE OVER THE MENUS IN A WEST

VIRGINIA SCHOOL, AND HE MADE A

BIG SHOW OF BEING APPALLED AT

WHAT THE CHILDREN WERE BEING

FED.

WHEN I WENT IN THE FREEZER,

THE FREEZER WAS JUST BASICALLY

AN ALADDIN'S CAVE OF PROCESSED

CRAP.

OKAY, SO THIS IS PIZZA FOR

TOMORROW, YEAH?

YES.

SO YOU HAVE PIZZA FOR

BREAKFAST AND THEN THEY HAVE IT

FOR WHAT?

LUNCH TOMORROW?

MM-HMM.

BLOODY HELL.

SO, THIS MEAT IS ALREADY COOKED,

YEAH?

YEAH, WHEN IT GROWS UP IT

WILL BE SCRAMBLED EGGS.

SO, THAT IS SCRAMBLED EGGS?

I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE.

YEAH, IT'S EGG.

WE STEAM IT.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT MOST OF IT

WAS AND WHEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT

SOMETHING IS, THE ALARM BELLS GO

OFF.

DO YOU HONESTLY THINK THAT WE

COULD DO FROM RAW STATE EVERY

DAY?

DO YOU REALLY?

YES.

John: OKAY.

I HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS, BUT

THE FIRST IS-- I KNOW I HAVE A

BRITISH ACCENT, AND MY NAME IS

ALMOST HIS NAME, AND I HAVE A

SHOW WHERE I ESSENTIALLY TELL

AMERICA THAT IT'S DOING

EVERYTHING WRONG, BUT, AM I LIKE

THAT?

PLEASE TELL ME I'M NOT LIKE

THAT.

BECAUSE WHILE THE DREAM OF EVERY

SINGLE SCHOOL COOKING FROM

SCRATCH IS A LOVELY IDEA, IT

MIGHT NOT BE FEASIBLE FOR A LOT

OF SCHOOL DISTRICTS.

NOT ONLY ARE THERE THE COST AND

LABOR ISSUES, BUT THEY ALSO NEED

TO NAVIGATE STRICT NUTRITIONAL

GUIDELINES.

THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT SETS

STANDARDS FOR THINGS LIKE THE

AMOUNT AND TYPES OF FRUITS AND

VEGETABLES REQUIRED TO BE ON A

PLATE.

BUT IT CAN BE HARD TO MEET THEM

ON A TIGHT BUDGET-- SOMETHING

FAMOUSLY ILLUSTRATED DURING THE

REAGAN ERA, WHEN HIS

ADMINISTRATION SLASHED THE

FEDERAL SCHOOL LUNCH BUDGET,

THEN BRIEFLY TRIED BENDING THE

NUTRITIONAL GUIDELINES TO A

TRULY RIDICULOUS EXTENT.

ALSO GETTING ATTENTION TODAY

WAS THAT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL LUNCH

SAMPLED BY MEMBERS OF CONGRESS

YESTERDAY.

THE MEAL CONSISTING OF A SMALL

MEAT PATTY, SIX FRENCH FRIES, A

GLASS OF MILK, AND KETCHUP,

CLASSIFIED AS A VEGETABLE, WAS

REPRESENTATIVE OF NEW FEDERAL

GUIDELINES ISSUED TO SAVE MONEY

ON SUBSIDIZED SCHOOL LUNCHES.

John: NOW, MUCH HAS BEEN MADE

ABOUT THE WHOLE "KETCHUP AS A

VEGETABLE" THING, BUT I DON'T

THINK PEOPLE TALKED ENOUGH ABOUT

THE MYSTERY MEAT PATTY BEING

SERVED WITH A GLASS OF MILK.

THAT LOOKS LIKE A HAMBURGER WITH

A TERMINAL ILLNESS.

IT LOOKS LIKE THE CRACKED SOIL

OF A DUST BOWL ERA FARM.

YOU KNOW, I READ ONCE THAT

ULTRAMARATHON RUNNERS IN DEATH

VALLEY WOULD EAT BANANAS, THEN

THROW THEM UP, AND THE BANANA

VOMIT WOULD BAKE IN THE SUN

FORMING LITTLE PATTIES ON THE

GROUND, AND I BET IT LOOKS LIKE

THAT.

THE POINT IS: KETCHUP ISN'T A

VEGETABLE, REAGAN MADE THINGS

WORSE, AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO

OFFLOAD THAT BANANA FACT FOR THE

PAST FIVE YEARS.

AND THE THING IS, EVEN WHEN--

WITH GOOD INTENTIONS-- WE

MANAGE TO RAISE THE NUTRITIONAL

STANDARDS FOR LUNCHES, IT CAN

THEN BE A REAL CHALLENGE TO MAKE

THEM APPETIZING.

DURING THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION,

ACCESS TO SCHOOL LUNCHES WAS

EXPANDED GREATLY THANKS TO THE

2010 HEALTHY, HUNGER-FREE KIDS

ACT-- WHICH ALSO UPDATED

GUIDELINES TO MAKE MEALS MORE

NUTRITIOUS.

AND WHILE THAT ACT PRODUCED

GREAT RESULTS OVERALL, SOME

STUDENTS HATED THE NEW,

HEALTHIER OPTIONS, SHARING

PHOTOS WITH THE HASHTAG "THANKS

MICHELLE OBAMA."

WHICH, TO THEIR CREDIT, IS

FUNNY.

WHEN THE NUTRITION WENT HIGH,

THE KIDS WENT LOW.

BUT IT DID TAKE SOME TRIAL,

ERROR AND FLEXIBILITY, TO MAKE

THOSE NEW STANDARDS WORK.

FOR INSTANCE, THE ACT REQUIRED

THAT BREADS HAD TO BE

"WHOLE-GRAIN RICH."

BUT AS ONE FOOD SERVICE DIRECTOR

IN NEW MEXICO SAID, "MANY

FAMILIES IN THE SOUTHWEST WILL

NOT ACCEPT WHOLE-GRAIN

TORTILLAS," AND-- I QUOTE--

"WE SIMPLY CANNOT AFFORD TO FEED

OUR TRASH CANS."

SIMILARLY, A SCHOOL DISTRICT IN

MISSISSIPPI TRIED TO MAKE A 100%

WHOLE-GRAIN BISCUIT, WHICH WAS

NOT RECEIVED AS WELL BY

STUDENTS, SO THE SCHOOL IS NOW

ALLOWED TO OPERATE ON 80% OF

WHOLE GRAINS INSTEAD.

WHICH FEELS LIKE A GOOD

COMPROMISE.

BECAUSE A WHOLE GRAIN BISCUIT

ISN'T A BISCUIT.

AT THAT POINT, LET'S JUST MAKE

ICE CREAM SANDWICHES WHERE THE

COOKIES ARE CELERY AND THE ICE

CREAM IS CHILDREN'S MOTRIN,

BECAUSE IT SEEMS WORDS DON'T

MATTER ANYMORE.

THE FACT IS, SCHOOL NUTRITION

DIRECTORS HAVE TO STRIKE A

DELICATE BALANCE BETWEEN THE

PERFECT, AND THE ACHIEVABLE.

THAT FORMER NOMA CHEF YOU SAW

EARLIER GETS INCREDIBLY

FRUSTRATED WHEN TALKING ABOUT

HOW CHEFS WHO WORK OUTSIDE OF

SCHOOL KITCHENS TEND TO LOOK

DOWN ON SOME OF THE FOOD HE

MAKES NOW.

IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE WE'VE HAD

A LOT OF PEERS, A LOT OF MY

PEERS HAVE COME AND SEEN WHAT WE

DO AND THEY'RE DISAPPOINTED BY

WHAT WE DO.

YOUR COLLEAGUES ARE

DISAPPOINTED?

YEAH, IN THE SENSE THAT, OH,

I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING TO BE

SOMETHING ELSE.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BE

SERVING A DIFFERENT TYPE OF

FOOD.

AND I SAID, "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK

WHAT YOU THINK BECAUSE IT'S NOT

ABOUT YOU."

YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAVE $1.25 TO

FEED PEOPLE AND THAT'S YOUR

CONSTRAINT AND YOU'RE FEEDING

KIDS AND YOU START TO PRIORITIZE

THINGS LIKE SUSTAINABILITY AND

LOCALITY AND SEASONALITY, THEN

YOU DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND HOW

THE WORLD WORKS.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT FOOD

COSTS.

John: YEAH, HE'S RIGHT.

I'M NOT SURE WHY THE DECOR OF

THAT STAGE IS "TED TALK IN THE

JUNGLE."

BUT HE'S RIGHT.

IT'S ALL VERY WELL FOR JAMIE

OLIVER TO WANT SCHOOLS TO COOK

FROM SCRATCH WITH FRESH

INGREDIENTS ALL THE TIME, BUT

IT'S A LOT HARDER TO BE

IDEALISTIC WHEN YOU'RE SLINGING

1,000 PORTIONS OF HOT LUNCH TO

KIDS IN A CRAMPED KITCHEN, ALL

IN 15 OR 20 MINUTES.

REALITY IS A HELL OF A SOUS

CHEF.

BUT LET'S SAY YOU COULD CREATE

LUNCHES THAT WERE NUTRITIOUS,

DELICIOUS, AND AFFORDABLE.

THAT STILL DOESN'T ADDRESS THE

BIGGER PROBLEM WITH OUR SCHOOL

LUNCH PROGRAM, WHICH IS THAT, IN

MANY STATES, IT'S NOT FEEDING

EVERYONE WHO NEEDS IT.

AND THAT'S A HUGE PROBLEM,

BECAUSE AS I MENTIONED, FOR LOTS

OF KIDS, IT MIGHT BE THEIR ONLY

GUARANTEED MEAL OF THE DAY-- AS

THIS CAFETERIA WORKER IN

WASHINGTON STATE EXPLAINS.

YEAH, A LOT OF KIDS GO HOME

DURING-- I MEAN, DURING THE

CHRISTMAS BREAK, THEY DON'T HAVE

FOOD.

THEY-- THEY DON'T HAVE FOOD, SO

THEY'RE SO HAPPY TO COME BACK TO

SCHOOL.

ACTUALLY, THE REASON I BECAME A

LUNCH LADY IS BECAUSE I WANTED

TO GIVE THE KIDS FOOD THAT

DIDN'T GET IT AT HOME, LIKE I

DIDN'T.

WELL, I WAS ALWAYS HAPPY TO GO

TO SCHOOL, JUST BECAUSE I GET TO

EAT.

WE-- WE DIDN'T HAVE A LOT OF

FOOD, AND WHEN YOU GO TO SCHOOL,

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNA EAT, AND

IT'S-- THAT'S WORTH GOING TO

SCHOOL.

John: HER COMMITMENT TO

FEEDING KIDS IS BEAUTIFUL.

AND SHE'S RIGHT!

ANYTHING IS MORE APPEALING IF

YOU KNOW THERE'S GONNA BE FOOD

THERE.

A WORK MEETING, A WEDDING, EVEN

GIVING BLOOD!

YOU THINK I'M DOING THAT OUT OF

ALTRUISM?

WHERE ELSE CAN A GROWN MAN DRINK

APPLE JUICE AND EAT LITTLE

COOKIE PACKS FREE OF JUDGMENT?

DRAIN ME, NURSE GWEN, BUT KEEP

THE LORNA DOONES COMING.

SO SCHOOL LUNCH IS A CRITICAL

SOCIAL GOOD.

THE PROBLEM IS, IN ORDER TO GET

A FREE OR REDUCED-PRICE LUNCH,

FAMILIES HAVE TO FILL OUT

ELIGIBILITY PAPERWORK-- AND

THAT ALONE CAN BE PROHIBITIVE.

THERE MAY BE LANGUAGE BARRIERS

FOR SOME PARENTS, AND FOR

OTHERS, SOCIAL STIGMA.

AS ONE EXPERT POINTS OUT,

OFTENTIMES THESE FORMS ARE ON A

BRIGHTLY COLORED PIECE OF PAPER.

THEY SAY FREE SCHOOL LUNCH FORM.

AND FOR PARENTS, IT CAN FEEL

LIKE THE FORM IS EFFECTIVELY

SAYING, "I CAN'T AFFORD TO FEED

MY CHILD," AND THEY'RE HAVING TO

ASK THEIR KID TO HAND THAT TO A

TEACHER.

ON TOP OF THAT, THE THRESHOLDS

TO QUALIFY ARE OFTEN SO LOW,

THEY EXCLUDE FAMILIES WHO NEED

IT.

AND ONE EARNING AROUND $58,000

OR LESS IS ELIGIBLE FOR REDUCED

PRICE MEALS.

BUT IF YOU MAKE A PENNY MORE

THAN THAT, YOUR KIDS HAVE TO PAY

FULL PRICE.

AND THAT CAN QUICKLY BECOME A

STEEP FINANCIAL BURDEN.

MY-- MY SON IS ALWAYS

TELLING ME THAT HE DIDN'T EAT

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE

ME HAVE TO PAY FOR IT.

SHE SAYS SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN

JUST ABOVE THE CUTOFF TO QUALIFY

FOR THE FEDERAL FREE AND

REDUCED-PRICE LUNCH PROGRAM.

BUT HER BUDGET IS STILL TIGHT.

SCHOOL LUNCH FOR HER KIDS COSTS

MORE THAN $250 A MONTH.

WITH FOUR KIDS IN SCHOOL,

THAT ADDS UP REALLY QUICK.

John: OF COURSE IT DOES.

AND KIDS CLEARLY SHOULDN'T BE

REFRAINING FROM EATING FOR

FINANCIAL REASONS.

THEY SHOULD BE REFUSING TO EAT

FOR ONE OF THE MULTITUDE OF

STANDARD KID REASONS, SUCH AS,

"THE FOOD LOOKS WEIRD," "IT'S

TOO HOT OUTSIDE," "IT'S TOO COLD

OUTSIDE," OR "I SAW A BIRD."

AND KIDS WHOSE FAMILIES CAN'T

AFFORD TO PAY CAN ACCUMULATE

WHAT'S COMMONLY CALLED "LUNCH

DEBT"-- AND THE COST TO SCHOOLS

CAN BE SIGNIFICANT.

ONE SAMPLING OF JUST OVER 800

DISTRICTS FOUND THAT THEIR TOTAL

MEAL DEBT EXCEEDED $17 MILLION

LAST YEAR.

UNFORTUNATELY, THE SOLUTION SOME

HAVE HIT ON IS TO PRESSURE

FAMILIES FOR THAT DEBT-- AND

SOMETIMES CHILDREN DIRECTLY--

THROUGH A PRACTICE KNOWN AS

"LUNCH SHAMING."

YOU MAY HAVE HEARD STORIES ABOUT

HOW SOME SCHOOLS GIVE KIDS WHO

OWE MONEY AN ALTERNATIVE LUNCH,

LIKE A COLD CHEESE SANDWICH.

WHILE OTHERS REQUIRE STUDENTS DO

CHORES.

A REPORT FROM LAST YEAR FOUND

SOME SCHOOLS IN KANSAS WOULDN'T

ALLOW KIDS WITH UNPAID DEBT TO

PARTICIPATE IN ACTIVITIES, OR

WOULD EVEN WITHHOLD GRADES FROM

PARENTS UNTIL DEBT WAS PAID.

AND STILL OTHER KIDS HAVE BEEN

FORCED TO WEAR WRISTBANDS, OR

HAD THEIR HANDS OR ARMS STAMPED,

TO SHOW THEY'RE BEHIND IN

PAYMENT.

AND INCREDIBLY, SOME TACTICS

HAVE BEEN EVEN WORSE.

EARLIER THIS MONTH, THE

WYOMING VALLEY WEST SCHOOL

DISTRICT IN NORTHEASTERN

PENNSYLVANIA SENT LETTERS TO

ABOUT 40 FAMILIES TELLING THEM

THEIR CHILDREN COULD BE SENT TO

FOSTER CARE IF THEY DIDN'T PAY

UP.

THE FOSTER CARE ISSUE JUST--

IT JUST HAD ME-- I, I COULDN'T

BELIEVE THAT THAT'S WHAT IT

SAID.

FOUR OTHER WYOMING VALLEY

WEST SCHOOL BOARD MEMBERS AGREE,

AS DOES SCHOOL ADMINISTRATOR

JOE MUTH.

HE SIGNED THAT LETTER SENT OUT

IT COULD HAVE BEEN TONED

DOWN.

I-- I DON'T KNOW HOW TO

DESCRIBE OTHER THAN, IN WRITING,

WE COULD HAVE TONED IT DOWN A

NOTCH.

John: OKAY, "COULD HAVE TONED

IT DOWN A NOTCH" IS PUTTING IT

MILDLY.

ALSO, THAT'S SOMETHING THAT GUY

SHOULD'VE REALIZED BEFORE

SIGNING THE LETTER.

FRANKLY, CLIPPY SHOULD'VE POPPED

UP AND SAID "IT LOOKS LIKE

YOU'RE THREATENING TO SEPARATE

FAMILIES AND THROW CHILDREN IN

FOSTER CARE OVER A FEW HUNDRED

BUCKS OF LUNCH DEBT.

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO FUCKING

DO THAT?"

LUNCH DEBT'S BECOME SUCH A

UBIQUITOUS PROBLEM THAT KIDS

FINDING WAYS TO PAY IT OFF IS

NOW A TROPE OF SUPPOSEDLY

HEARTWARMING HUMAN-INTEREST

STORIES LIKE THESE.

A SECOND GRADER IS PAYING OFF

THE SCHOOL LUNCH DEBT FOR

EVERYBODY AT HIS SCHOOL AND KIDS

AT SIX OTHER SCHOOLS!

ON TUESDAY, FIFTH GRADER

DAKEN KRAMER GIVING THE SCHOOL

DISTRICT A CHECK FOR $7,300,

MONEY HE RAISED TO HELP PAY FOR

HIS CLASSMATES' SCHOOL LUNCH

DEBT.

CAITLIN DECIDED ALL OF THE

MONEY SHE RAISED WOULD GO

TOWARDS PAYING OFF THE SCHOOL

LUNCH DEBT OF 123 STUDENTS IN

HER SAN DIEGO SCHOOL DISTRICT.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

5-YEARS-OLD, GUYS.

IT'S AMAZING WHEN SOMEONE THAT

YOUNG JUST KNOWS TO PAY IT

FORWARD.

John: IT IS AMAZING, BUT SHE

SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO IT!

LET A FIVE-YEAR-OLD SPEND THAT

MONEY ON FIVE YEAR OLD SHIT--

YOU KNOW, LIKE A SLINKY, OR

PLAY-DOH, OR FINGERLINGS.

LITTLE CREATURES FOR YOUR

FINGERS.

MONKEYS.

UNICORNS.

THIS CUNTY LITTLE BIRD.

THEY'RE ADORABLE.

AND THEY MAKE YOU FEEL ALIVE.

AND THE REASON I KNOW THAT IS.

I HAVE ONE ON RIGHT NOW!

BUT EVEN THIS ISN'T MANAGING TO

CHEER ME UP!

YOU'VE FAILED ME!

YOU LITTLE FUCKER.

IT'S FRANKLY NO WONDER THAT--

WHEN YOU COMBINE THE STIGMA OF

RECEIVING A FREE OR REDUCED

PRICE LUNCH, AND THE RISK OF

RACKING UP DEBT-- EVEN KIDS WHO

ARE ELIGIBLE CAN END UP CHOOSING

NOT TO PARTICIPATE.

IN FACT, IN 2019, NEARLY 30

MILLION STUDENTS WERE ELIGIBLE

FOR THE MEALS, BUT ONLY 22

MILLION RECEIVED THEM.

MEANING OVER 7 MILLION ELIGIBLE

STUDENTS MISSED OUT ON MEALS,

WITH EXPERTS ARGUING THAT STIGMA

PLAYED A BIG ROLE IN THAT.

WHICH IS TERRIBLE.

AND AT THIS POINT, I ACTUALLY

HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS.

BECAUSE THERE IS A WAY TO SOLVE

A LOT OF THE PROBLEMS I'VE JUST

SHOWN YOU.

IT'S A POLICY KNOWN AS

"UNIVERSAL FREE MEALS."

BASICALLY, EVERY KID AT EVERY

SCHOOL CAN HAVE BREAKFAST OR

LUNCH, AT SCHOOL, IF THEY WANT

IT.

AND WHILE THAT MIGHT SOUND LIKE

A UTOPIAN DREAM, WE ACTUALLY

ALREADY DID IT, FOR TWO YEARS,

DURING THE PANDEMIC.

FEDERAL LAWMAKERS INTRODUCED A

WAIVER PROGRAM THAT PAID FOR

FREE BREAKFASTS AND LUNCHES FOR

EVERY PUBLIC SCHOOL KID IN THE

COUNTRY, REGARDLESS OF FAMILY

INCOME.

THE WAIVERS ALSO INCREASED THE

REIMBURSEMENT RATE FOR EACH MEAL

BY AROUND 20%.

MEANING SCHOOLS HAD MORE MONEY

TO SPEND ON MAKING AND SERVING

MEALS.

AND EARLY RESEARCH SUGGESTS THAT

HAD REAL BENEFITS.

A SURVEY OF SCHOOL DISTRICTS

REPRESENTING OVER 5 MILLION

STUDENTS, FOUND THAT, IN 2021,

AVERAGE DAILY PARTICIPATION IN

LUNCH INCREASED BY APPROXIMATELY

1.4 MILLION, WITH 95% OF

DISTRICTS REPORTING IT REDUCED

CHILD HUNGER, AND 82% REPORTING

THE PROGRAM SUPPORTED ACADEMIC

ACHIEVEMENT.

IN SHORT, WAY MORE KIDS WERE

EATING EVERY DAY, AND IT WAS

HELPING THEM IN SCHOOL.

THE WAIVER PROGRAM WORKED.

BUT IN JUNE OF 2022, IT EXPIRED.

AND UNFORTUNATELY, SOME

LAWMAKERS WERE COMPLETELY FINE

WITH THAT.

BY RETURNING THESE PROGRAMS

BACK TO NORMAL, WE CAN UPHOLD

OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO TAXPAYERS

AND THE PRINCIPLE THAT AID

SHOULD BE TARGETED AND

TEMPORARY.

John: WOW, THAT'S HEARTLESS.

"AID SHOULD BE TARGETED AND

TEMPORARY" SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING

A REAGAN ACTION FIGURE WOULD SAY

WHEN YOU PULL ITS STRING, ALONG

WITH "TAKE THAT, WELFARE QUEEN!"

AND "JODIE FOSTER SURE WOULD BE

IMPRESSED IF I DIED!"

AND WHEN THE CUTOFF CAME,

TEACHERS WHO SAW THE PROGRAM

ROLL BACK FIRSTHAND CAN TELL YOU

IT WAS ROUGH.

ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

THIS YEAR, I ANNOUNCED TO MY

STUDENTS THAT SCHOOL LUNCHES

WERE NO LONGER FREE.

AND THIS MOMENT STAYS WITH ME.

THE CONFUSION, THE DARTING EYES,

THE QUESTIONS.

THERE WERE STUDENTS WHO REALIZED

IN THAT MOMENT THAT THEY WERE

NOT GOING TO EAT THAT DAY.

John: FOR FUCK'S SAKE,

NO TEACHER SHOULD HAVE

TO DO THAT, ESPECIALLY THAT ONE,

WHO CLEARLY CARES ABOUT HER

STUDENTS.

I KNOW "THE FUN TEACHER" WHEN I

SEE ONE, AND THAT IS THE FUN

TEACHER RIGHT THERE.

BRIGHT COLOR-BLOCKED OUTFIT, FUN

GLASSES, PURPLE HAIR.

THERE'S A CLASS OF MISFIT

SEVENTH GRADERS FOR WHOM SHE IS

THEIR ABSOLUTE QUEEN.

IF YOU GET ASSIGNED TO MS.

JUNG'S CLASS, YOU ARE MAKING

DIORAMAS, DOING NONSTOP SKITS,

AND YOU'RE BUILDING THE SICKEST

PLASTIC BOTTLE HYDROPONIC GARDEN

SYSTEM IN THE ENTIRE SCHOOL.

MS. JUNG'S GOT PASSES TO THE

SCIENCE MUSEUM OF MINNESOTA, AND

IF YOU GO WITH HER, YOU'RE

TOUCHING A DINOSAUR BONE.

FOR MANY FAMILIES, THE PROGRAM

EXPIRING MEANT THEY HAD TO

NAVIGATE THE ELIGIBILITY FORMS

FOR THE FIRST TIME.

ONE SCHOOL NUTRITION DIRECTOR IN

OHIO SAID SHE HAD TO DENY ONE

SINGLE MOTHER WHO TOLD HER SHE'D

MISSED THE CUTOFF FOR REDUCED

MEALS BY JUST $100 OF GROSS

INCOME.

AND ALL THIS RESULTED IN A LOT

FEWER KIDS GETTING LUNCHES.

AND STUDENTS FROM LOW-INCOME

FAMILIES ACROSS THE COUNTRY ARE

NOW ACCRUING SCHOOL LUNCH DEBT

IN RECORD NUMBERS.

NOW, TO THEIR CREDIT, SOME

STATES HAVE REFUSED TO GO

BACKWARDS, AND THESE EIGHT HAVE

PASSED UNIVERSAL FREE MEAL

PROGRAMS, OFTEN FUNDING THEM OUT

OF STATE BUDGETS.

ALTHOUGH PASSING THOSE LAWS

WASN'T ALWAYS EASY-- IN

MINNESOTA, FOR INSTANCE, YOU'VE

PROBABLY SEEN THE JOYOUS PHOTO

OF TIM WALZ BEING HUGGED BY

SCHOOL KIDS WHEN HE SIGNED HIS

STATE'S PROGRAM INTO LAW.

BUT SOME REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS

THERE FIERCELY OPPOSED IT,

OFFERING SOME

LESS-THAN-CONVINCING ARGUMENTS.

MR. PRESIDENT, I HAVE YET TO

MEET A PERSON IN MINNESOTA THAT

IS HUNGRY YET TODAY.

I HAVE YET TO MEET A PERSON IN

MINNESOTA THAT SAYS THEY DON'T

HAVE ACCESS TO ENOUGH FOOD TO

EAT.

NOW, I SHOULD SAY THAT HUNGER IS

A RELATIVE TERM, MR. PRESIDENT.

YOU KNOW, I HAD A CEREAL BAR FOR

BREAKFAST.

I GUESS I'M HUNGRY NOW.

John: WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

FIRST, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU HAD

FOR BREAKFAST, AND SECOND,

THAT'S NOT HOW SOCIETAL PROBLEMS

WORK.

YOU CAN'T JUST GO "I HAVEN'T

SEEN HUNGRY PEOPLE, SO THEY MUST

NOT EXIST."

BEFORE SEEING THIS CLIP, I'D

NEVER SEEN CHRIS PARNELL'S EVIL

MIDWESTERN TWIN, BUT THAT DIDN'T

MEAN YOU WEREN'T OUT THERE,

SUCKING.

AND HE WASN'T THE ONLY OPPONENT

THIS STATE REP SUGGESTED THE

STATE EXPAND THE PROGRAM, BUT

STOP SHORT OF MAKING IT

UNIVERSAL, USING HERSELF AS AN

EXAMPLE OF WHY THAT'D BE TOO

FAR.

WE ARE USING TAXPAYER DOLLARS

TO FEED MY CHILDREN.

I HAVE TWO KIDS IN-- IN

PUBLIC SCHOOLS AT THE NORTH

BRANCH HIGH SCHOOL RIGHT NOW.

THAT MEANS THAT THE TAXPAYERS

ARE SUBSIDIZING ME TO THE TUNE

OF $1,376.

THAT MEANS RIGHT TONIGHT YOU ARE

GIVING ME A $1,376 TAX BREAK.

ME.

THAT'S MY BENEFIT FROM THIS

BILL.

John: OKAY!

YOU'RE WELCOME?

OR MAYBE I'M SORRY THAT HAPPENED

TO YOU?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

YOU'RE SAYING A GOOD THING BUT

YOU SEEM VERY UPSET ABOUT IT.

BUT A FEW THINGS ABOUT THAT, I

KNOW CAPPING ELIGIBILITY MIGHT

SOUND LIKE IT MAKES SENSE, AND

THE STATE ACTUALLY LOOKED INTO

DOING THAT, BUT DECIDED AGAINST

IT, AS IT TURNS OUT, IT WOULD'VE

INCREASED THE ADMINISTRATIVE

COMPLEXITY, AND THE INCREASED

COST WOULD'VE EATEN INTO

WHATEVER SAVINGS THEY MIGHT'VE

SEEN.

ALSO, CRUCIALLY, BY MAKING LUNCH

ACCESSIBLE TO ALL KIDS, THEY

COULD REMOVE THE STIGMA FOR

THOSE WHOSE FAMILY CAN'T AFFORD

IT.

WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU

MIGHT REALIZE.

A STUDY IN MASSACHUSETTS FOUND

THAT 42% OF FAMILIES WITH

CHILDREN ELIGIBLE FOR FREE OR

REDUCED PRICE MEALS, REPORTED

THEIR CHILD WOULD BE LESS LIKELY

TO EAT A SCHOOL MEAL IF IT

WASN'T FREE FOR ALL CHILDREN.

WHICH MAKES SENSE.

KIDS ARE PERCEPTIVE.

THEY NOTICE WHO ISN'T TAKING A

LUNCH OR IS FORCED TO EAT A COLD

CHEESE SANDWICH AND THEY

DEFINITELY NOTICE WHOSE HAND GOT

FUCKING STAMPED.

AND LOOK, I'M NOT SAYING THERE

AREN'T COMPLICATIONS HERE.

THERE ARE.

AND DEEP DOWN, YOU ALREADY KNEW

THAT.

AFTER ALL, YOU'RE WATCHING "IT'S

ALWAYS SOMETHING WITH WHITE

URKEL" MAKING THAT MANY MEALS,

CONSISTENTLY, IS DIFFICULT.

REMEMBER, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT

THE BIGGEST RESTAURANTS IN TOWN.

THERE ARE A LOT OF MOVING PARTS,

FROM THE SHEER SCALE OF THE

PROGRAM, TO SOURCING FOOD AND

MAKING IT TASTE GOOD, TO

ADEQUATELY TRAINING AND PAYING

CAFETERIA STAFF.

ALL OF WHICH MEANS UNIVERSAL

FREE MEALS AREN'T CHEAP.

IN MINNESOTA, THEY BUDGETED IT

AT $400 MILLION OVER ITS FIRST

TWO YEARS, BUT IT'S PROJECTED TO

COST ABOUT $80 MILLION MORE THAN

THAT.

THOUGH, PART OF THE REASON FOR

THAT INCREASED COST IS

HIGHER-THAN-EXPECTED

PARTICIPATION IN THE PROGRAM.

WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY A GOOD THING!

BECAUSE, FOR THE FINAL TIME, THE

BENEFITS HERE ARE CLEAR-- AS

THE HEAD OF MINNESOTA'S

DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION SPELLED

OUT.

OUR EDUCATORS THAT I'VE MET

AND THAT WE'VE TALKED TO THIS

ENTIRE FALL CONSISTENTLY TELL ME

THAT THEIR STUDENTS ARE MORE

ATTENTIVE AND THEY'RE READY TO

LEARN.

AND THEY DIRECTLY ATTRIBUTE THIS

TO THE AVAILABILITY OF

NUTRITIOUS MEALS ALL ACROSS THE

STATE OF MINNESOTA AND

THROUGHOUT THE DAY.

John: YEAH.

THAT'S THOUSANDS OF KIDS WHO

AREN'T GOING TO CLASS FEELING

HUNGRY, SHAMED, OR EXCLUDED.

THAT SHOULD BE THE STANDARD IN

ALL 50 STATES.

AND IF IT HELPS, MAYBE WE SHOULD

BE CONSIDERING LUNCH AS AN

ESSENTIAL SCHOOL SUPPLY-- LIKE

BOOKS OR DESKS.

WE ACCEPT THAT THEY'RE

SUBSIDIZED BY THE GOVERNMENT AS

AN INVESTMENT IN KIDS' FUTURES.

AND I'D ARGUE LUNCH SHOULD BE,

TOO-- AND THE WAY TO ACHIEVE

THAT SHOULDN'T BE BY ASKING EACH

STATE TO FUND IT OUT OF THEIR

OWN BUDGET, BUT BY PASSING

LEGISLATION AT THE FEDERAL

LEVEL, SIMILAR TO WHAT WE DID IN

THE EARLY DAYS OF THE PANDEMIC.

BECAUSE WHILE THAT WAS A TRULY

TERRIBLE TIME, IT'S WORTH

REMEMBERING WE GOT SOME MAJOR

STUFF DONE BACK THEN.

WE SOCIALLY DISTANCED, WE

WATCHED "TIGER KING," WE GOT OUR

FAMILIES FAMILIAR WITH ZOOM IN A

WAY WE'RE ALL STILL PAYING THE

PRICE FOR, AND, IT TURNS OUT, WE

FED KIDS.

IN SPEAKING TO EXPERTS FOR THIS

STORY, MANY SAID THAT BEFORE

2020, THEY THOUGHT UNIVERSAL

FREE MEALS WOULD BE INCREDIBLY

BENEFICIAL, AND IT'D ALSO NEVER

HAPPEN.

AMERICA JUST DOESN'T DO THAT

SORT OF THING.

BUT THEN IT DID HAPPEN, AND

SEEMINGLY OVERNIGHT.

AND IN THIS ONE PARTICULAR AREA,

AMERICANS GOT TO EXPERIENCE WHAT

IT WAS LIKE TO HAVE THE FEDERAL

GOVERNMENT BE RESPONSIVE TO THE

NEEDS OF THE VULNERABLE.

AND ONCE YOU SEE WHAT IT LOOKS

LIKE TO HELP KIDS, YOU KINDA

CAN'T UNRING THAT BELL.

IN FACT, YOU SHOULD KEEP RINGING

IT SO FUCKING HARD, THE ROPE

COMES OFF IN YOUR HANDS.

BECAUSE WE HAVE THE POWER TO

ENSURE THAT NO KID IN THE

COUNTRY IS HUNGRY WHEN SCHOOL

GETS DISMISSED.

AND WE SHOULD BE EXERCISING THAT

POWER, AND MAKING SURE THAT ALL

KIDS ARE-- IN THE WORDS OF

AMERICA'S SECOND-FAVORITE

MOONWALKING WEREWOLF OF THE '80S

ROARIN' READY AND ROCK

STEADY, WITH PIZZA, SPAGHETTI,

BURGERS, AND OF COURSE,

DESSERTS.

AND NOW THIS.

Announcer: AND NOW,

PEOPLE ON TV DEBATE WENT TO

DECORATE FOR HALLOWEEN.

I REALLY SAW HALLOWEEN

DECORATIONS OUT.

I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU, I'LL

BE DECORATING BY SUNDAY OR

MONDAY.

OKAY.

JUST DO IT NOW, GET SKELETONS

FROM HOME DEPOT THIS CAN!

I THINK HE WAS SAYING

SOMETHING ABOUT DECORATING FOR

HALLOWEEN, IS IT TOO EARLY?

NO, NEVER TOO EARLY.

CORRECT, IT'S NEVER TOO EARLY

TO PREPARE FOR GOALS AND

"MINIONS."

I'VE GOT TWO NEIGHBORS THAT

HAVE PUT UP ALL OF THEIR

HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS.

I'M GOING TO WAIT UNTIL OCTOBER.

WRONG, IT IS NOT REASONABLE!

COVER YOUR WINDOWS IN PHAKIC

COBWEBS RIGHT NOW

!

IS IT TOO EARLY TO DECORATE

FOR HALLOWEEN?

NO!

WE WERE OUT AND ABOUT EARLY

IN THE MORNING AND THERE WAS A

COUPLE OUTSIDE ALREADY PUTTING

UP THEIR GIANT SKELETON.

THAT'S TWO MONTHS EARLY,

RIGHT?

THAT WOULD BE THAT PAST WEEKEND.

IT BE EQUIVALENT TO OCTOBER 25TH

SEEING CHRISTMAS DECOR.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, DO THE

FORECAST, BRAD!

DOESN'T MAKE YOU HAPPY?

DO IT.

I BOUGHT A COUPLE OF PILLOWS,

I'M NOT GOING TO LIE.

EVERY HALLOWEEN, WE WATCH A

SCARY MOVIE, WE WATCHED A SCARY

MOVIE LAST NIGHT.

YES, RIGHT NOW!

I'LL TOTALLY WATCH SCARY MOVIES

WITH THEM!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

John: THAT'S OUR SHOW.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.

I'LL BE OUT NEXT WEEK FOR THE

EMMY'S, WE'LL BE BACK AFTER

THEN.

GOOD NIGHT!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]