Original subtitles

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

John: WELCOME, WELCOME,

WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"

I'M JOHN OLIVER, THANK YOU SO

MUCH FOR JOINING US.

IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK.

HUNTER BIDEN WAS FOUND GUILTY ON

GUN CHARGES, MACRON CALLED A

SNAP ELECTION IN FRANCE, AND IN

MICHIGAN, THIS CONSERVATIVE

CONGRESSIONAL CANDIDATE POSTED A

CAMPAIGN TIKTOK WITH AN AI

GENERATED VOICE THAT IS BOLD.

I HAVE ANOTHER DREAM!

YES, IT IS ME, MARTIN LUTHER

KING.

I CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD TO SAY

SOMETHING.

AS I WAS SAYING, I HAVE ANOTHER

DREAM, THAT ANTHONY HUDSON WILL

BE MICHIGAN 8TH DISTRICT'S NEXT

CONGRESSMAN.

YES, I HAVE A DREAM AGAIN.

OKAY, NOW I AM GOING BACK TO

WHERE I CAME FROM GOODBYE.

MY NAME IS ANTHONY HUDSON AND

I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE.

John: OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OH,

MY GOD, OKAY.

LET'S DIVE IN.

IT'S HARD TO PICK THE WILDEST

PART OF THAT.

THE OPENING SCREAM?

THE CASUAL "AS I WAS SAYING?"

THE FACT MLK REASSURES HIS

AUDIENCE HE HAS ANOTHER DREAM

THREE TIMES, AS IF THAT'S GOING

TO BE THE MAIN THING SOMEONE

TAKES ISSUE WITH?

BUT HONESTLY, I THINK IT MIGHT

BE THE FOUR-SECOND PAUSE BEFORE,

"OKAY, NOW I AM GOING BACK TO

WHERE I CAME FROM, GOODBYE,"

MAKING HIM SOUND LIKE A

MIDDLE-AGED DAD WHO DOESN'T KNOW

HOW TO END A PHONE CALL.

I'VE GOT SO MANY QUESTIONS AND

NONE OF THEM ARE ABOUT ANTHONY

HUDSON AND WHERE TO VOTE FOR

HIM.

NOW, HUDSON INITIALLY PUT OUT A

STATEMENT SAYING THE VIDEO WAS

POSTED WITHOUT HIS KNOWLEDGE,

AND THAT IT WAS STUPID AND

DISRESPECTFUL, ONLY TO THEN

REVERSE THAT POSITION, SAYING,

"IF MLK WERE ALIVE TODAY-- I DO

BELIEVE HE WOULD ENDORSE ME AND

MY VISION FOR A BETTER

MICHIGAN."

AND FIRST, NO HE WOULDN'T,

ANTHONY, FOR SO MANY REASONS.

BUT SECOND, YOU HAD IT RIGHT

BEFORE YOUR DOUBLE-DOWN.

THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE RESPONSE TO

THAT AD IS TO ISSUE AN APOLOGY,

DROP THE WHOLE THING, AND THEN

IF I MAY QUOTE SOMETHING

MARTIN LUTHER KING NEVER SAID--

ANNOUNCE, "OKAY, NOW I AM GOING

BACK TO WHERE I CAME FROM,

GOODBYE."

BUT WE'RE GOING TO DIVE STRAIGHT

IN WITH OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT,

WHICH CONCERNS THE PRESIDENTIAL

ELECTION.

THE THING YOU'RE ACTIVELY

IGNORING SO YOU CAN DEVOTE ALL

YOUR BRAIN POWER TO

"MILF MANOR."

IF YOU'RE NOT WATCHING, REAL

QUICK-- THIS SEASON, NOT ONLY

ARE THE MILFS DATING HOT YOUNGER

MEN, THEY'RE ALSO-- AND THIS IS

TRUE-- DATING THE YOUNG GUYS'

DADS AS WELL, AND IT'S EXACTLY

AS AWKWARD FOR EVERYONE AS YOU'D

THINK.

TODAY, YOU'RE GOING TO BE

EXPLORING A TANTRIC YOGA CLASS.

OH, GOD.

NO WAY, NO.

THERE'S SOME THINGS THAT YOU

JUST DON'T DO WITH YOUR SON OR

WITH YOUR FATHER.

ARE YOU TRAUMATIZED?

A LITTLE BIT.

John: YEAH.

YEAH, I BET!

ALTHOUGH, NOT TO VICTIM-BLAME,

BUT, YOU DID SIGN UP TO BAG

MILFS IN A TELEVISED SEX

CONTEST.

SO NO BRAIN WAS EVER LEAVING

THAT MANOR UNSCARRED.

THE ELECTION'S IN FULL SWING

RIGHT NOW, AND IT'S PRETTY MUCH

YOUR USUAL CAMPAIGN.

CANDIDATES OFFERING POLICY

PROPOSALS, TRADING BARBS, AND

OCCASIONALLY GETTING CONVICTED

OF 34 FELONIES AND COMPLAINING

ABOUT THE JUDGE.

YOU SAW WHAT HAPPENED TO SOME

OF THE WITNESSES THAT WERE ON

OUR SIDE.

THEY WERE LITERALLY CRUCIFIED BY

THIS MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE AN

ANGEL, BUT HE'S REALLY A DEVIL.

John: OKAY, TRUMP DEFINITELY

DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THE WORD

"LITERALLY" MEANS, BUT GIVEN HIS

INABILITY TO TALK ABOUT THE

BIBLE, IT'S POSSIBLE HE DOESN'T

KNOW WHAT "CRUCIFIED" MEANS

EITHER.

ALTHOUGH, I COULD BE WRONG:

MAYBE JESUS GOT NAILED TO PLANKS

BECAUSE OF HIS HUSH PAYMENTS TO

A PORN STAR.

I DON'T KNOW!

I DON'T HAVE THE CLOSE PERSONAL

RELATIONSHIP TRUMP HAS WITH THE

BIBLE, WHICH FOR THE RECORD IS

"SOURLY HOLDING IT UP LIKE HE'S

SHOWING OFF THE BUG HE JUST

SQUASHED WITH IT."

BUT AS MASSIVELY FLAWED AS TRUMP

IS, AS A CANDIDATE, HUSBAND,

BOSS, FATHER, AND HUMAN BEING,

HE'S CURRENTLY SLIGHTLY AHEAD OF

BIDEN IN THE POLLS.

SO THERE'S A PRETTY GOOD CHANCE

HE COULD BE BACK IN THE WHITE

HOUSE NEXT YEAR.

AND GIVEN THAT, IT'S WORTH

TALKING ABOUT WHAT HE PLANS TO

DO IF HE GETS THERE.

BECAUSE TRUMP DOES HAVE A

SECOND-TERM PLATFORM-- YOU CAN

GO ON HIS WEBSITE AND SEE IT

ALL LAID OUT-- AND IT'S PRETTY

ALARMING.

FOR INSTANCE, HERE HE IS TALKING

ABOUT HIS PLANS REGARDING TRANS

RIGHTS.

I WILL ASK CONGRESS TO PASS A

BILL ESTABLISHING THAT THE ONLY

GENDERS RECOGNIZED BY THE UNITED

STATES GOVERNMENT ARE MALE AND

FEMALE, AND THEY ARE ASSIGNED AT

BIRTH.

NO SERIOUS COUNTRY SHOULD BE

TELLING ITS CHILDREN THAT THEY

WERE BORN WITH THE WRONG GENDER,

A CONCEPT THAT WAS NEVER HEARD

OF.

IN ALL OF HUMAN HISTORY,

NOBODY'S EVER HEARD OF THIS,

WHAT'S HAPPENING TODAY.

IT WAS ALL WHEN THE RADICAL LEFT

INVENTED IT JUST A FEW YEARS

AGO.

John: THAT'S REALLY THE TRUMP

EXPERIENCE IN A NUTSHELL RIGHT

THERE.

HATEFUL IDEOLOGY, A PROMISE TO

MAKE LIFE HARDER FOR MINORITIES,

ALL WRAPPED UP IN A NON SEQUITUR

SO STUPID IT'S INCONVENIENTLY

FUNNY.

THE RADICAL LEFT INVENTED

TRANS PEOPLE A FEW YEARS AGO?

I'M SORRY, WHAT?

DID THEY PUT IT ON "SHARK TANK"

AND I SOMEHOW MISSED IT?

THAT'S ANOTHER INSTANT CLASSIC

LINE READ FROM ONE OF HUMANITY'S

WORST BRAINS.

TRUMP'S ALSO PROMISING MASS

DEPORTATIONS IN HIS NEXT TERM.

HERE'S STEPHEN MILLER, HIS

FORMER ADVISOR AND FIRST-DRAFT

PIXAR VILLAIN, TALKING IN DEPTH

ABOUT THE LOGISTICS.

SO, YOU GRAB ILLEGAL

IMMIGRANTS AND THEN YOU MOVE

THEM TO THE STAGING GROUNDS, AND

THAT'S WHERE THE PLANES ARE

WAITING FOR FEDERAL LAW

ENFORCEMENT TO THEN MOVE THOSE

ILLEGALS HOME.

YOU DEPUTIZE THE NATIONAL GUARD

TO CARRY OUT IMMIGRATION

ENFORCEMENT, AND THEN YOU ALSO

DEPLOY THE MILITARY TO THE

SOUTHERN BORDER.

THE MILITARY HAS THE RIGHT TO

ESTABLISH A FORTRESS POSITION ON

THE BORDER AND TO SAY NO ONE CAN

CROSS HERE AT ALL.

John: WOW, THOSE ARE STRONG

WORDS FROM MILLER, ONLY SLIGHTLY

UNDERCUT BY HIS TENDENCY TO

LOOK, AT ALL TIMES, LIKE A

CONDOM FULL OF SOUP.

BUT THAT'S STILL JUST THE

BEGINNING.

TRUMP PLANS TO REQUIRE LOCAL LAW

ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES TO USE

MEASURES LIKE STOP-AND-FRISK,

CUT FUNDING FOR ANY SCHOOL THAT

HAS A VACCINE OR MASK MANDATE,

AND IMPOSE A UNIVERSAL TARIFF OF

AT LEAST 10% ON ALL IMPORTS.

AND NOTABLY, HE'S PROMISING TO

GET REVENGE ON HIS ENEMIES.

AT RALLIES, HE'S TOLD SUPPORTERS

THAT "I AM YOUR RETRIBUTION,"

WHICH SOUNDS MORE LIKE SOMETHING

YOU'D HEAR OUT OF THE MOUTH OF

MEGATRON THAN A MAJOR

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE.

AND HE'S BEEN SPECIFIC ABOUT WHO

EXACTLY WILL BE ON THE RECEIVING

END OF THAT RETRIBUTION.

WE WILL ROOT OUT THE

COMMUNIST, MARXIST, FASCIST, AND

THE RADICAL LEFT THUGS THAT LIVE

LIKE VERMIN WITHIN THE CONFINES

OF OUR COUNTRY, THAT LIE AND

STEAL AND CHEAT ON ELECTIONS,

AND WILL DO ANYTHING POSSIBLE--

THEY'LL DO ANYTHING, WHETHER

LEGALLY OR ILLEGALLY, TO DESTROY

AMERICA AND TO DESTROY THE

AMERICAN DREAM.

John: FIRST, WAS HE FALLING

ASLEEP AT THE END THERE?

SECOND, IT'S NOT USUALLY A GREAT

SIGN WHEN A POLITICIAN STARTS

REFERRING TO GROUPS AS VERMIN,

UNLESS OF COURSE THEY'RE RUNNING

FOR MAYOR OF ZOOTOPIA AND

THEY'RE GUNNING FOR THE

LITTLE RODENTIA VOTE.

THEN, IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY SAVVY

POLITICS.

AND IF YOU'RE THINKING: OKAY,

TRUMP'S MAKING BIG SCARY

PROMISES, BUT HE DID THAT IN

2016, TOO, AND HE BROKE A LOT OF

THEM," THAT'S TRUE.

THOUGH HE DID ALSO GO ON TO DO A

LOT OF DAMAGE-- HE BLEW UP THE

IRAN NUCLEAR DEAL, WITHDREW US

FROM THE PARIS CLIMATE

AGREEMENT, SLASHED ACCESS TO

FOOD STAMPS, AND GAVE A HUGE TAX

CUT TO CORPORATIONS.

HE SEPARATED CHILDREN FROM THEIR

FAMILIES AT THE BORDER,

SUGGESTED CURING COVID WITH

BLEACH OR A BRIGHT LIGHT,

SUMMONED AN INSURRECTION, AND

PUT IN THREE SUPREME COURT

JUSTICES WHO HELPED OVERTURN

ROE V. WADE AND SEEM TO HAVE NO

INTENTIONS OF STOPPING THERE.

BUT IT IS TRUE THAT A LOT OF HIS

OTHER MAJOR POLICY GOALS-- FROM

ENDING THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT,

TO GETTING MEXICO TO PAY FOR HIS

BORDER WALL-- REMAINED OUT OF

REACH.

TRUMP AS PRESIDENT WAS SORT OF

LIKE A HAMSTER IN AN ATTACK

HELICOPTER.

SURE, HE WANTS TO BATHE THE

WORLD IN BLOOD AND TERROR, HE

WANTS IT WITH HIS WHOLE ROTTEN

HAMSTER HEART.

BUT LUCKILY, HE DOESN'T KNOW

WHAT BUTTONS TO PRESS AND HIS

BRAIN'S THE SIZE OF A PEANUT, SO

THAT PUTS SOME HARD LIMITS ON

THE DAMAGE HE'S ACTUALLY ABLE TO

DO.

THIS TIME, THOUGH, TRUMP'LL HAVE

A LOT MORE HELP-- NOT ONLY ARE

THE COURTS MORE CONSERVATIVE,

AND THE REPUBLICAN PARTY MORE

FIRMLY ALIGNED WITH HIM, BUT A

GROUP OF CONSERVATIVES HAS COME

UP WITH A PLAN OF ACTION TO

ENSURE THAT HE CAN HIT THE

GROUND RUNNING, AND EVEN IF HE

DOES MEET RESISTANCE FROM

CONGRESS OR THE COURTS, HE'LL

NOW HAVE WAYS TO GO AROUND THEM.

THAT IS WHY, WHILE TRUMP'S FIRST

TERM WAS BAD, HIS SECOND COULD

BE MUCH, MUCH WORSE.

SO TONIGHT, LET'S TALK ABOUT

TRUMP'S SECOND TERM: WHO'S

MAKING THOSE PLANS FOR HIM, WHAT

THEY ENTAIL, AND HOW MUCH DAMAGE

THEY COULD DO.

AND THE MAIN INSIGHT WE HAVE

INTO ALL THIS COMES FROM

SOMETHING CALLED "PROJECT 2025."

WHICH I KNOW SOUNDS LIKE A SEXY

CW SCI-FI DRAMA STARRING

ASHANTI, CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY,

AND TURTLE FROM ENTOURAGE, BUT

INCREDIBLY, IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN

THAT.

BASICALLY, PROJECT 2025 AIMS TO

DO FOR TRUMP'S WHOLE PRESIDENCY

WHAT THE FEDERALIST SOCIETY DID

FOR HIS JUDICIAL PICKS-- GIVE

HIM A STEP-BY-STEP GAME PLAN HE

SIMPLY HAS TO EXECUTE AND THEN

TAKE CREDIT FOR.

THEY'VE EVEN MADE A PROMOTIONAL

VIDEO FOR IT.

ON INAUGURATION DAY THE FOUR

YEARS AHEAD SEEMS LIKE AN

ETERNITY.

IT'S NOT.

BECAUSE THE LEFT HAS ENGINEERED

OUR GOVERNMENT AND INSTITUTIONS

TO REJECT CONSERVATIVE IDEOLOGY.

THE 2025 PRESIDENTIAL TRANSITION

PROJECT BRINGS TOGETHER

CONSERVATIVE ORGANIZATIONS TO

ENSURE THE POLICY AND PERSONNEL

ARE IN PLACE ON JANUARY 20TH

2025 USING FOUR PILLARS WE ARE

LAYING THE FOUNDATION FOR THE

NEXT PRESIDENT TO END

WASHINGTON'S BUREAUCRACY AND

RESTORE AMERICAN PROSPERITY.

John: YEAH, MORE THAN 100

CONSERVATIVE ORGANIZATIONS HAVE

COME TOGETHER TO WORK ON THIS.

THEY'RE ALL THERE.

YOU'VE GOT THE HERITAGE

FOUNDATION, LIBERTY UNIVERSITY,

THE NRA, TURNING POINT USA,

RODEO CLOWNS FOR TRUMP, THE

CENTER FOR RUINING THANKSGIVING,

THE MARRIAGE IS BETWEEN A MAN

AND HIS PROPERTY INSTITUTE, ARM

THE UNBORN, THE UNION OF TWITTER

GUYS WITH GOATEES AND WRAPAROUND

SHADES, CAPTAIN PLANET VILLAINS

FOR A BRIGHTER TOMORROW, AND OF

COURSE AMERICANS FOR HOW ZOOS

SHOULD LET YOU FUCK THE BALD

EAGLES.

THEY'RE ALL HERE.

THEY'VE EVEN PRODUCED A 900-PAGE

HANDBOOK ON THEIR GOALS, WHICH

ARE SWEEPING.

IT PROPOSES DISMANTLING NOAA,

THE AGENCY THAT TRACKS

HURRICANES AND PROTECTS MARINE

LIFE, BECAUSE IT'S, QUOTE, "ONE

OF THE MAIN DRIVERS OF THE

CLIMATE CHANGE ALARM INDUSTRY."

IT ALSO PROPOSES ELIMINATING THE

HEAD START PROGRAM, INSTALLING A

PRO-LIFE TASK FORCE TO REPLACE

BIDEN'S REPRODUCTIVE HEALTHCARE

ONE, OUTLINES PLANS TO DEFUND

THE DOJ, DISMANTLE THE FBI, AND

ELIMINATE THE DEPARTMENTS OF

EDUCATION AND COMMERCE, AND

STATES THAT "PORNOGRAPHY SHOULD

BE OUTLAWED, AND THE PEOPLE WHO

PRODUCE AND DISTRIBUTE IT SHOULD

BE IMPRISONED."

AND THESE PROPOSALS ARE EXTREME,

BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WHO WROTE

THEM ARE EXTREME.

THEY'VE BEEN LAYING ALL THIS OUT

IN PLAIN VIEW, MOSTLY ON

CONSERVATIVE PODCASTS.

ONE OF THE MAJOR ARCHITECTS OF

PROJECT 2025 IS RUSSELL VOUGHT

WHO SERVED IN THE WHITE HOUSE

DURING TRUMP'S FIRST TERM.

HE'S A SELF-DESCRIBED "CHRISTIAN

NATIONALIST," AND HERE HE IS

MAKING A TARGETED PITCH FOR ONE

FUNDING CUT TRUMP COULD MAKE.

I AM OPPOSED TO THE

DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION, 'CAUSE

I THINK IT'S THE DEPARTMENT OF

CRITICAL RACE THEORY.

100%.

I MEAN, YOU HAVE GRANTS AFTER

GRANT OF CULTURALLY RESPONSIVE

LEARNING, WHERE YOU'RE FUNDING,

ESSENTIALLY A CULTURAL

REVOLUTION, NOT JUST WITH

TEACHERS, BUT WITH THE STUDENTS.

THAT'S WHAT ALL THIS WOKEISM'S

ABOUT.

John: YEAH, APPARENTLY THE

DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION IS

FUNDING A CULTURAL REVOLUTION.

I PRESUME THAT'S WHY EVERY

KINDERGARTEN CLASSROOM NOW HAS

THE NEW EDITION OF BROWN BEAR

BROWN BEAR WHAT DO YOU SEE?

WHERE HE RESPONDS: A PARASITIC

MEMBER OF THE BOURGEOISIE."

BUT VOUGHT AND THE REST OF THE

PROJECT 2025 TEAM AREN'T JUST

DEVISING POLICY-- THEY'RE

MAKING SURE THEY'LL HAVE THE

RIGHT PEOPLE IN PLACE TO

IMPLEMENT IT.

ONE OF THE REASONS TRUMP GOT OFF

TO A SLOW START LAST TIME IS

THAT, BECAUSE NOBODY EXPECTED

HIM TO WIN, THERE WASN'T A PLAN

IN PLACE FOR WHAT TO DO ONCE HE

DID.

JARED, FAMOUSLY, TOURED THE

OBAMA WHITE HOUSE NOT LONG AFTER

THE ELECTION, AND ASKED "HOW

MANY OF THE INDIVIDUALS THERE

WOULD REMAIN INTO THE NEXT

ADMINISTRATION."

TO WHICH SOMEONE PRESUMABLY HAD

TO TELL HIM "NOT MANY, YOU

FUCKING IDIOT.

YOU HAVE TO HIRE PEOPLE

YOURSELF.

THAT'S WHAT YOU JUST WON."

BUT THAT CONFUSION WON'T HAPPEN

THIS TIME, BECAUSE PROJECT 2025

IS ASSEMBLING A DATABASE OF

PROSPECTIVE HIRES-- NOT JUST

FOR THE WEST WING, BUT ACROSS

THE THE ENTIRE FEDERAL

GOVERNMENT-- THAT THEY'VE

LIKENED TO "A CONSERVATIVE

LINKEDIN."

HERE'S ONE OF THE LEADERS OF

THAT EFFORT, JOHN MCENTEE,

MAKING HIS PITCH FOR PEOPLE TO

SIGN UP.

IF YOU WANT TO WORK AND MAKE

A DIFFERENCE, YOU CAN GO TO

Project2025.org.

YOU CAN APPLY.

YOU CAN TAKE THE TRAINING.

YOU CAN LEARN ABOUT BEING A

POLITICAL APPOINTEE AND HOW TO

BE EFFECTIVE, WHICH IS SO

IMPORTANT.

OKAY, YOU GOT THE JOB.

NOW WHAT DO YOU DO?

HOW DO YOU TAKE ON THE

BUREAUCRACY?

HOW DO YOU DO ALL OF THESE

THINGS.

SO, THAT'S WHERE WE'RE TRYING TO

HELP JUST GIVE THE PRESIDENT A

LITTLE LEG UP ON STAFFING.

John: IT'S ESSENTIALLY

AN OPEN AUDITION FOR PEOPLE WHO

MIGHT WANT A NEW JOB BECAUSE

THEY LOST THEIR OLD ONE BACK ON

JANUARY 6TH FOR SOME REASON.

AND THEIR GOAL HERE IS CLEAR: TO

ASSEMBLE "AN ARMY OF VETTED,

TRAINED STAFF" WHO CAN "BEGIN

DISMANTLING THE ADMINISTRATIVE

STATE FROM DAY 1."

WHICH IS A LITTLE WEIRD, IF YOU

THINK ABOUT IT.

THEY'RE ASSEMBLING AN ARMY OF

FUTURE GOVERNMENT BUREAUCRATS

WHO HATE THE GOVERNMENT.

IF YOU WERE INTERVIEWING FOR A

JOB AT CHEERIOS, AND THE

INTERVIEWER SAID "WHY DO YOU

WANT TO WORK HERE?"

AND YOU REPLIED "BECAUSE I HATE

CHEERIOS AND WANT TO DESTROY

IT," YOU'D BE IMMEDIATELY

GRABBED BY SECURITY AND NEVER

SEEN AGAIN.

YOU THINK CHEERIOS FUCKS AROUND?

YOU THINK YOU RULE THE CEREAL

AISLE FOR 80 PLUS YEARS WITHOUT

BURYING SOME BODIES?

FUCK AROUND WITH CHEERIOS AND I

PROMISE YOU'LL FIND OUT.

AND ONCE PROJECT 2025'S WRECKING

CREW IS IN PLACE, THEY'VE

OUTLINED A NUMBER OF STRATEGIES

THAT CAN BE USED TO MAKE SURE

TRUMP CAN DO AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE

WITHOUT NEEDING CONGRESS.

A LOT OF THEM DERIVE FROM THE

SO-CALLED "UNITARY EXECUTIVE

THEORY," WHICH WAS DEVELOPED

DURING THE REAGAN YEARS.

ITS SUPPORTERS ARGUE THAT

"ARTICLE 2 OF THE CONSTITUTION

GIVES THE PRESIDENT COMPLETE

CONTROL OF THE EXECUTIVE

BRANCH."

AS ONE PERSON WHO'S READ THAT

MANIFESTO PUTS IT, IT TURNS THE

SEPARATION OF POWERS AMONG THE

THREE BRANCHES INTO A GAME OF

ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS-- EXCEPT

ROCK BEATS EVERYTHING.

HERE'S ONE EXAMPLE: THERE USED

TO BE A THING CALLED

"IMPOUNDMENT," WHERE A PRESIDENT

COULD STOP OR REDIRECT MONEY

THAT CONGRESS HAD ALREADY

APPROPRIATED FOR SOMETHING.

CONGRESS ACTUALLY MADE THAT

ILLEGAL IN 1974, AFTER SOME

ABUSES DURING THE NIXON

ADMINISTRATION.

IT MAY ALSO RING A BELL BECAUSE

IT CAME UP DURING TRUMP'S FIRST

IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS, WHEN HE

HELD UP AID TO UKRAINE, TO TRY

AND GET THEM TO LOOK FOR DIRT ON

THE BIDEN FAMILY.

BUT TRUMP'S TEAM NOW WANT TO

BRING IMPOUNDMENT BACK, TO

THWART ANYTHING LIBERAL THAT

COMES OUT OF CAPITOL HILL.

JUST LISTEN TO LARRY KUDLOW, ONE

OF TRUMP'S TOP ECONOMIC ADVISORS

IN HIS FIRST TERM, GET VERY

EXCITED WHEN TALKING ABOUT IT.

SO LET'S GET BACK TO, YOU

KNOW, YOU AND I AGREE, HOW ABOUT

GIVING THE POWER--

IMPOUNDMENT.

OF IMPOUNDMENT TO THE

PRESIDENT?

IMPOUNDMENT.

IT'S A GREAT IDEA.

IMPOUND THEIR TUCHUSES OFF.

IMPOUND THEIR REAR ENDS OFF.

YEAH.

[LAUGHS]

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO AND LEAVE

ALL THIS LEGISLATIVE BS.

JUST IMPOUND, IMPOUND, IMPOUND.

John: WOW, HE'S GETTING FIRED

UP THERE.

ALSO, "IMPOUND THEIR REAR ENDS

OFF" SOUNDS LESS LIKE A

STATEMENT ABOUT PRESIDENTIAL

POWER AND MORE LIKE A SLOGAN

FROM A PRIDE EVENT IN THE "CARS"

UNIVERSE.

BUT IT GOES WELL BEYOND

IMPOUNDMENT.

IN FACT, IT'S ONE OF THE MOST

BORING-SOUNDING PARTS OF PROJECT

2025 THAT COULD ACTUALLY END UP

BEING THE MOST INSIDIOUS,

BECAUSE IT COULD MAKE ACHIEVING

ALL TRUMP'S OTHER GOALS SO MUCH

EASIER.

IT'S CALLED "SCHEDULE F."

AND TO EXPLAIN IT, I'M AFRAID

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO BRIEFLY

TALK ABOUT GOVERNMENT HR

PROCEDURES.

SO JUST SIT TIGHT, AND WHEN

WE'RE DONE, I PROMISE, I'LL PLAY

YOU ANOTHER CLIP FROM

"MILF MANOR" AS A REWARD.

VERY BASICALLY, THERE ARE TWO

KINDS OF FEDERAL EMPLOYEES.

THE FIRST GROUP ARE MERIT-BASED,

CAREER POSITIONS.

THESE JOBS TEND TO BE EXPERTS,

ADMINISTRATORS, AND SUPPORT

STAFF THAT DO THE IMPORTANT WORK

OF KEEPING THE GOVERNMENT

RUNNING.

IT COULD BE AN ENGINEER AT NASA,

A NURSE AT THE V.A., OR A

RAILROAD SAFETY INSPECTOR AT THE

DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION.

WORKERS LIKE THAT HAVE ROBUST

EMPLOYEE PROTECTIONS, MEANING

THEY CAN'T BE FIRED FOR

POLITICAL REASONS, BECAUSE THEIR

JOBS AREN'T POLITICAL.

THAT WAY THEY CAN WORK OVER MANY

ADMINISTRATIONS, GAINING THE

KIND OF EXTENSIVE EXPERIENCE THE

GOVERNMENT NEEDS TO FUNCTION.

THE SECOND GROUP CONSISTS OF

POLITICAL APPOINTEES, LIKE

CABINET SECRETARIES AND THOSE

UNDER THEM.

THEY'RE HIRED BY A NEW

ADMINISTRATION TO ENSURE THE

CAMPAIGN PROMISES OF THE NEW

PRESIDENT ARE BEING WORKED ON,

AND THEY TEND TO LEAVE WHEN THAT

ADMINISTRATION DOES.

THERE ARE ABOUT 2 MILLION CAREER

FEDERAL EMPLOYEES, AND ONLY

ABOUT 4,000 POLITICAL ONES, WHO

CHANGE DEPENDING ON WHO'S IN

CHARGE.

THOSE ARE THE ONES THE NEW

ADMINISTRATIONS DO HAVE TO HIRE

IN, JARED, YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

OKAY, THAT IS, ESSENTIALLY ALL

THE BACKGROUND YOU NEED TO KNOW

ABOUT FEDERAL PERSONNEL

MANAGEMENT.

IF YOU'RE BORED, IT'S OVER, AND

IF YOU'RE HARD, WELCOME HOME.

AND EITHER WAY, HERE'S THAT

PROMISED CLIP FROM "MILF MANOR".

I'M DEFINITELY CONFLICTED

KISSING JOEY AND IT IS SO WEIRD

BECAUSE MY SON'S NAME IS JOEY

AND THEY KIND OF LOOK ALIKE.

John: OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

I WILL SAY THIS, I KNOW THAT'S

GROSS AND INCESTUOUS BUT I WILL

SAY, YOU ALL LIKED THAT SHIT

WHEN IT WAS ON "GAME OF

THRONES."

YOU LAPPED IT RIGHT UP!

IF THAT CLIP HAD A DRAGON IN IT

WOULD THAT MAKE IT BETTER FOR

YOU?

ANYWAY, DURING TRUMP'S FIRST

TERM, HE GOT FRUSTRATED BY THE

FACT SO MANY OF THE CAREER

GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES SEEMED TO

BE UNDERMINING HIM-- BY TELLING

HIM THINGS HE WANTED TO DO WERE

ILLEGAL, OR THAT THINGS HE SAID

WERE WRONG, OR, Y'KNOW,

TESTIFYING PUBLICLY ABOUT THE

LAWS THEY'D SEEN HIM BREAK.

BUT "SCHEDULE F" WOULD FIX ALL

THAT.

BASICALLY, IT'S A NEW

DESIGNATION THAT WOULD

RECLASSIFY AROUND 50,000 CAREER

CIVIL SERVANTS AS POLITICAL

APPOINTEES, MEANING THEY

WOULDN'T HAVE CIVIL SERVICE

PROTECTIONS FROM GETTING FIRED,

AND WHOEVER REPLACES THEM COULD

BE HIRED ON LOYALTY, NOT ON

MERIT.

HERE'S RUSSELL VOUGHT,

EXPLAINING THE PLAN TO DON JR.'S

FIANCE.

WE HAVE A NUMBER OF IDEAS,

MOST NOTABLY SCHEDULE F, WHICH

ALLOWS US TO RECLASSIFY.

IF YOU WORK ON POLICY, YOU HAVE

THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE

RECLASSIFIED AND TURN INTO AN

AT-WILL EMPLOYMENT.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE GOING

TO GET FIRED TOMORROW, BUT THAT

DOES MEAN THAT YOU ARE NOW

WORKING FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THE

UNITED STATES, YOU'RE NOT

WORKING FOR YOUR OWN INSTITUTION

OR YOUR OWN INSTITUTIONAL

BENEFITS.

John: RIGHT, YOU DON'T WORK

FOR THE INSTITUTION, YOU WORK

FOR THE PRESIDENT.

SO IF, FOR EXAMPLE, YOU'RE A

GOVERNMENT WEATHER FORECASTER

USING YOUR EXPERTISE TO PREDICT

THE PATH OF A HURRICANE, AND,

HYPOTHETICALLY, A PRESIDENT

ASSEMBLES THE PRESS, ONLY FOR IT

TO BECOME CLEAR THAT HE'S

EXTENDED YOUR MAP IN BLACK

SHARPIE FOR SOME FUCKING REASON,

YOUR JOB ISN'T TO CORRECT HIM,

IT'S TO SAY "ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,

MR. PRESIDENT.

YOU TRULY ARE THE BEST AT

WEATHER."

EXCEPT THE TRUTH IS, HE WOULDN'T

EVEN NEED A SHARPIE TO DO IT

NEXT TIME, BECAUSE WHATEVER MAP

EXISTS IN HIS HEAD WOULD ALREADY

BE THE OFFICIAL POSITION OF THE

NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE.

IN THAT INTERVIEW, VOUGHT GOES

ON TO LAY OUT EXACTLY WHAT

SCHEDULE F WOULD DO, AND IT'S

WORTH LISTENING TO HIM CLOSELY

BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT, EVEN IF

KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE IS CLEARLY

NOT LISTENING TO HIM AT ALL.

THE WHOLE NOTION OF

INDEPENDENCE, KIMBERLY, THERE'S

THIS VIEW FOR 100 YEARS THAT

AGENCIES SHOULD BE INDEPENDENT

OF THE PRESIDENT, AND SOME OF

THEM ARE REALLY INDEPENDENT

UNDER STATUTE, AND SOME OF THEM

JUST WANT TO CALL THEMSELVES

INDEPENDENT.

SURE.

ALL OF IT'S UNCONSTITUTIONAL.

AND ALL OF IT IS DESIGNED SO

THAT A PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED

STATES CAN'T CALL THESE

INDIVIDUALS UP AND SAY, "HEY,

YOU GUYS WORK FOR ME.

THIS IS MY POLICY AGENDA.

THESE ARE-- THIS IS WHAT I WANT

YOU TO DO."

John: I WILL SAY, THAT

DEAD-EYED "SURE" IS ABSOLUTELY

THE LEVEL OF CONVERSATIONAL

BUY-IN I'D EXPECT FROM SOMEONE

IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH DON JR.

THERE ARE TIBETAN MONKS WHO

AREN'T THAT GOOD AT MENTALLY

TRANSPORTING THEMSELVES

SOMEWHERE ELSE.

NOW, INTERESTINGLY, TRUMP

ACTUALLY SIGNED AN EXECUTIVE

ORDER ENACTING THIS "SCHEDULE F"

PLAN BACK IN OCTOBER OF 2020,

BUT BARELY ANYONE NOTICED

BECAUSE THE WHOLE THING HAD BEEN

DEVELOPED IN STRICT SECRECY, AND

ISSUED ONLY TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE

ELECTION.

UNDER IT, ANYONE WITH A ROLE

"DEVELOPING POLICY" COULD BE

RECLASSIFIED.

BUT THEY BASICALLY DECIDED THAT

ALMOST ANY ROLE COULD BE

POLICY-RELATED.

IN FACT, VOUGHT-- WHO WAS

SERVING AS TRUMP'S DIRECTOR OF

THE OFFICE OF MANAGEMENT AND

BUDGET AT THE TIME-- DREW UP A

LIST OF POTENTIAL EMPLOYEES THAT

COULD BE RECLASSIFIED THAT

AMOUNTED TO 68% OF HIS

DEPARTMENT'S WORKFORCE.

THANKFULLY, BIDEN UNDID SCHEDULE

F IMMEDIATELY UPON TAKING

OFFICE.

BUT TRUMP SAYS HE PLANS TO

REINSTATE IT ON DAY ONE OF HIS

SECOND TERM.

AND TO UNDERSTAND JUST HOW

CONSEQUENTIAL THAT COULD BE,

IT'S WORTH GOING BACK TO THAT

GUY YOU SAW EARLIER, JOHN

MCENTEE.

HE'S A BIG PROPONENT OF SCHEDULE

F.

HE ALSO HAPPENED TO WORK AS THE

DIRECTOR OF THE WHITE HOUSE

PERSONNEL OFFICE FOR THE LAST

YEAR OF TRUMP'S FIRST TERM-- A

JOB HE GOT AT THE AGE OF JUST

29, AFTER INITIALLY STARTING OUT

AS THE GUY WHO LITERALLY CARRIED

TRUMP'S BAGS.

HERE'S McENTEE TELLING THE FUN

STORY OF HOW HE GOT HIS BIG

PROMOTION.

I WAS WALKING WITH THE

PRESIDENT ON THE COLONNADE IN

THE WHITE HOUSE.

HE SAID, "WHAT-- WHAT'S ON THE

SCHEDULE TODAY?

I WAS READING THROUGH, 9:00 AM

THIS, 10:00 AM, THAT."

I SAID, "YOU HAVE YOUR PPO

MEETING."

HE SAID, "PPO?"

I SAID, "YEAH, THE PERSONNEL

OFFICE IS COMING BY."

HE SAID, "OH, I'VE ALWAYS HAD SO

MANY PROBLEMS WITH THAT OFFICE.

I'VE-- "

YOU KNOW.

AND THEN HE JUST LOOKED AT ME

AND SAID, "DO YOU THINK YOU

COULD RUN THAT OFFICE?"

AND FOR SOME REASON, I SAID,

"YES, I COULD RUN THAT OFFICE."

John: WOW.

THAT'S AN AMAZING STORY.

ALTHOUGH I DON'T KNOW HOW GOOD

IT MAKES YOU LOOK, TO BE HONEST.

"SO THERE I WAS, HOLDING THE

PRESIDENT'S PURSE, WHEN HE SAYS

"HEY YOU, YOU'RE ALIVE AND IN MY

FIELD OF VISION.

DO YOU WANT TO DO SOME SHIT SO I

DON'T HAVE TO?"

HE REALLY SAW MY VALUE IN THAT

MOMENT."

BY ALL ACCOUNTS, MCENTEE USED

HIS SUDDEN POWER TO PURGE ANYONE

EVEN SUSPECTED OF DISLOYALTY TO

THE PRESIDENT.

HIS TEAM PULLED IN EVEN FAIRLY

LOW-LEVEL EMPLOYEES TO MAKE SURE

THEY TOED THE TRUMP PARTY LINE

FOR INSTANCE, AN OFFICE

ASSISTANT AT THE DOJ WAS ASKED

TO EXPLAIN WHY SHE'D VOTED IN A

LOCAL DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY A FEW

YEARS EARLIER.

AND EMPLOYEES WERE EXPECTED TO

ENDORSE POLICIES THAT HAD

NOTHING TO DO WITH THEIR WORK.

OFFICIALS AT THE EPA AND HUD

WERE APPARENTLY ASKED, "DO YOU

SUPPORT THE PRESIDENT'S PLAN TO

WITHDRAW ALL U.S. TROOPS FROM

AFGHANISTAN?"

AND PITY THE RANDOM PLANT

BIOLOGIST AT THE EPA WHO HAD TO

BE LIKE, "I DUNNO, HOW WILL IT

AFFECT FERNS?"

INCIDENTALLY, SINCE LEAVING THE

WHITE HOUSE, MCENTEE'S KEPT BUSY

NOT ONLY WORKING ON PROJECT

2025, BUT ALSO STARTING THIS

TERRIBLE CONSERVATIVE DATING APP

CALLED "THE RIGHT STUFF."

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU ABOUT

SOMETHING I AM SO EXCITED TO

ANNOUNCE: A DATING APP FOR ALL

OF US CONSERVATIVES.

YOU'LL START OFF BY BUILDING

YOUR PERFECT PROFILE-- NO

PRONOUNS NECESSARY.

WE WANT YOU TO PUT YOUR BEST

FOOT FORWARD, WHICH INCLUDES

YOUR FAVORITE PHOTOS OF YOURSELF

DOING WHAT YOU LOVE OR BEING

WITH THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE.

OUR PROMPTS GIVE YOU THE

OPPORTUNITY TO LET PEOPLE KNOW

VARIOUS SIDES OF YOU.

SO REMEMBER, BE AUTHENTIC AND

CREATIVE.

John: OKAY, A FEW THINGS.

FIRST, YOU DON'T NEED A NEW

DATING APP TO FIND CONSERVATIVES

ONLINE.

JUST GO ONTO ANY EXISTING APP

AND FILTER FOR PEOPLE WHO

DESCRIBE THEIR VIEWS AS

"MODERATE."

ANY SINGLE WOMAN IN A BIG CITY

CAN TELL YOU, "MODERATE" JUST

MEANS "I'M A RIGHT-WING NUTJOB

BUT I'D LIKE TO GET LAID,

PLEASE."

AND THERE'S SO MUCH IN THAT AD,

FROM THE IMAGE OF TRUMP HIMSELF

IN ONE OF THE PROFILE PHOTOS, TO

THE FACT SOME OF THOSE FUN

"PROMPTS" INCLUDE NAMING YOUR

FAVORITE "LIBERAL LIE."

AND IF YOU GO ON THE APP, YOU'LL

FIND ANOTHER PROMPT FOR YOU TO

FILL IN THAT JUST SAYS

"JANUARY 6TH WAS..."

AND WHAT IS THE RIGHT ANSWER

WHEN A DATING APP ASKS YOU TO

RATE AN INSURRECTION?

"JANUARY 6TH WAS...

A TOTAL TURN ON, NOW GET OVER

HERE AND SHATTER MY ASSHOLE LIKE

IT'S A CAPITOL WINDOW?"

MCENTEE ALSO CREATED A TIKTOK

ACCOUNT FOR THE SITE, WHERE

EVERY VIDEO SEEMS TO BE A POV

SHOT OF WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ON

A DATE WITH HIM, WHICH SEEMS TO

BE AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE.

I WAS WATCHING TV YESTERDAY,

WHICH I USUALLY DON'T DO, AND I

NOTICED SOMETHING WITH THE

COMMERCIALS, WHEN DID EVERYONE

IN AMERICA BECOME BLACK AND GAY?

DO YOU REALLY THINK HANDING

OVER YOUR GUN ENDS GUN VIOLENCE?

THAT'S LIKE CHOPPING OFF YOUR

OWN DICK TO STOP RAPE.

IF YOU SAY PALESTINIANS

DESERVE A HOMELAND JUST FOR

THEMSELVES YOU'RE WOKE, BUT IF

YOU SAY WHITE PEOPLE DESERVE A

HOMELAND JUST FOR THEMSELVES

YOU'RE RACIST?

IT'S FUNNY HOW NEW YORK WENT

FROM TRYING TO BAN BIG GULPS TO

PEOPLE OPENLY SHITTING IN THE

STREET.

John: OKAY!

YOU CLEARLY HAVE SOME QUESTIONS,

AND I CAN SEE YOUR FOOD IS

GETTING COLD, SO REAL QUICK: ONE

EVERYONE IN AMERICA ISN'T

BLACK AND GAY, THOUGH SOME

PEOPLE ARE, AND SOMETIMES THEY

DO APPEAR IN COMMERCIALS.

TWO, TO BE CLEAR, I THINK YOU

JUST MADE YOURSELF THE RAPIST IN

YOUR OWN HYPOTHETICAL THERE.

THREE, IS WANTING A HOMELAND

JUST FOR WHITE PEOPLE RACIST?

YES, YES, IT IS, THANKS FOR

ASKING.

AND FINALLY, PEOPLE IN NEW YORK

HAVE BEEN SHITTING OPENLY IN THE

STREET LONG BEFORE BIG GULPS

WERE EVEN INVENTED.

AND IT'S AN ODD THING TO BRING

UP SECONDS BEFORE INSERTING AN

ENTIRE HAMBURGER INTO YOUR FACE.

AND WHILE I KNOW THOSE TIKTOKS

ARE VERY, VERY DUMB, ONE OF

THEM'S ACTUALLY A PRETTY GOOD

REMINDER OF MCENTEE'S ENTIRE

PHILOSOPHY WHEN IT COMES TO

GOVERNMENT STAFFING.

SO ELON MUSK CUT 90% OF

TWITTER'S STAFF AND IT'S STILL

WORKING FINE.

SHOULD WE TRY THAT WITH

GOVERNMENT NEXT?

John: YEAH, IS THAT THE BEST

COMPARISON, THOUGH?

BECAUSE I'M NOT SURE TWITTER IS

"WORKING FINE" SO MUCH AS IT'S

"A RUINED CASTLE SLOWLY SINKING

INTO THE BOG OF IRRELEVANCE."

BUT I GUESS THERE ARE A LOT MORE

NAZIS ON THERE NOW WHICH DOES

SEEM TO TRACK WITH YOUR PLANS

FOR GOVERNMENT.

AND LOOK, I'M NOT SAYING THERE

AREN'T LOTS OF WAYS TO MAKE THE

GOVERNMENT MORE EFFICIENT.

THERE ARE, BUT THIS ISN'T THE

WAY TO DO IT.

BECAUSE THERE'S CLEARLY A

PROBLEM WITH MAKING LARGE CHUNKS

OF THE GOVERNMENT SUBORDINATE TO

THE WHIMS OF THE CHIEF EXECUTIVE

AND HIS ADVISER/AMATEUR/

FOOD COMEDIAN/FOUNDER OF

TRADWIFE E-HARMONY-- ESPECIALLY

WHEN THIS PARTICULAR CHIEF

EXECUTIVE FAMOUSLY VALUES

LOYALTY OVER ALL ELSE.

JUST LISTEN TO THIS HEAD OF A

GOVERNMENT-WORKER UNION POINT

OUT THE OBVIOUS.

DO YOU WANT PEOPLE DOING

SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH AT THE

NUCLEAR REGULATORY COMMISSION

WHO DON'T HAVE THE

QUALIFICATIONS TO PERFORM THAT

KIND OF WORK?

THEIR ONLY QUALIFICATION IS AN

ALLEGIANCE TO THE TRUMP AGENDA.

IT'S VERY DISHEARTENING AND

IT'S-- IT'S SCARY.

I THINK THAT THERE WILL BE A

MASSIVE EXODUS OF COMPETENCE.

John: RIGHT, WHEN YOU FIRE

EVERYONE WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE

DOING AND ONLY HIRE PEOPLE WHO

WILL SAY YES TO THE RICH GUY IN

CHARGE, THAT'S NOT A RECIPE FOR

GOOD GOVERNMENT.

IT'S A RECIPE FOR THE TITAN

SUBMERSIBLE.

I DON'T WANT SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH

ABOUT NUCLEAR POWER BEING DONE

BY PEOPLE WITHOUT EXPERIENCE.

I DON'T WANT MY LATTE MADE BY

SOMEONE WITHOUT EXPERIENCE.

"OH, IT'S YOUR FIRST DAY?

I'M SORRY, STEP ASIDE.

GIVE ME THE DOUR BARISTA WITH A

FULL SLEEVE OF TECHNO-BOTANICAL

STICK-AND-POKE TATTOOS AND A

SEPTUM PIERCING WHO ONLY WORKS

FIVE YEARS AND HATES EVERYBODY

HERE.

EXPERIENCE MATTERS."

AND LOOK, THERE ARE AGENCIES

WHERE YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T WANT A

PRESIDENT INTERFERING FOR

POLITICAL ADVANTAGE-- LIKE THE

DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE, OR THE

EPA.

BUT THERE ARE ALSO LESS OBVIOUS

THE PRESIDENT COULD EXERT A LOT

MORE POWER BY TELLING PEOPLE

WHAT TO DO.

FOR INSTANCE, TRUMP WOULDN'T

NEED CONGRESS TO VOTE ON A

NATIONWIDE BAN ON ABORTION

DRUGS, WHEN HE COULD SIMPLY HAVE

HIS FDA DECLARE THEM UNSAFE

INSTEAD-- THAT PLAN,

INCIDENTALLY, IS SPECIFICALLY

SPELLED OUT IN PROJECT 2025'S

HANDBOOK, WHICH SUGGESTS THE

PRESIDENT HAVE THE FDA

"REVERSE ITS APPROVAL OF

CHEMICAL ABORTION DRUGS,"

SOMETHING THAT'S A PET PROJECT

FOR VOUGHT, WHO HAS SAID, AMONG

OTHER THINGS, "THE FAMILIES OF

THE WEST ARE NOT HAVING ENOUGH

BABIES FOR THEIR SOCIETIES TO

ENDURE."

IN FACT, FOR ALL TRUMP'S TALK OF

WANTING TO GET RID OF THE DEEP

STATE, SCHEDULE F ISN'T

ELIMINATING IT, IT'S CREATING A

DEEP STATE THAT'S LOYAL TO HIM,

AND DRIVING GOOD PEOPLE OUT OF

GOVERNMENT.

AND PEOPLE ACROSS THE POLITICAL

SPECTRUM HAVE BEEN RAISING

ALARMS ABOUT THIS.

ROBERT SHEA, A SENIOR OFFICIAL

UNDER GEORGE W. BUSH, AND A

SELF-DESCRIBED HUGELY

CONSERVATIVE, LOYAL REPUBLICAN,

HAS SAID HIRING PEOPLE BASED ON

PERSONAL POLITICAL LOYALTIES

WOULD PRODUCE "AN ARMY OF

SUCK-UPS," ADDING, I CAN'T

OVERSTATE MY LEVEL OF CONCERN

ABOUT THE DAMAGE THIS WOULD DO

TO THE INSTITUTION OF THE

FEDERAL GOVERNMENT...

YOU WOULD HAVE THINGS FORMERLY

CONSIDERED ILLEGAL OR

UNCONSTITUTIONAL POPPING UP ALL

ACROSS THE GOVERNMENT LIKE

WHACK-A-MOLE.

AND THE ABILITY TO FIGHT THEM

WOULD BE INHIBITED."

BUT THAT'S PROBABLY BE THE POINT

HERE.

AND I GET THAT "TRUMP UNRAVELING

CIVIL SERVICE PROTECTIONS" ISN'T

THE SEXIEST HEADLINE-- BUT IT'S

ALSO THE ACTION THAT COULD

UNLOCK HIS ABILITY TO DO ALL THE

INCREDIBLY DAMAGING THINGS THAT

HE AND THOSE INVOLVED IN PROJECT

2025 HAVE BEEN PLANNING.

SO, WHAT DO WE DO?

WELL, THE SIMPLE THING IS, DON'T

VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WERE

PLANNING ON DOING THAT, BUT I

THINK IT SHOULD BE CLEAR BY NOW

THAT THE OFFICIAL POSITION OF

THIS SHOW IS THAT YOU SHOULD NOT

VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP.

NOT FOR PRESIDENT, NOT FOR

WINNER OF "THE MASKED SINGER."

BASICALLY NOT FOR ANYTHING.

AND WHILE I HAVE A LOT OF

PROBLEMS WITH BIDEN, HE'S

CLEARLY THE BETTER OF THE TWO

OPTIONS.

WHICH I RECOGNIZE IS A LOW BAR.

BEING BETTER THAN DONALD TRUMP

CANNOT BE THE STANDARD, BECAUSE

TRUMP HIMSELF IS THE VERY

ABSENCE OF A STANDARD.

BUT THE TRUTH IS, EVEN IF TRUMP

LOSES, THAT WON'T BE THE END OF

THIS.

THE PEOPLE WHO COOKED UP PROJECT

2025 WILL JUST MOVE ON TO

PROJECT 2029 INSTEAD, BECAUSE

FOR THEM, THIS IS ABOUT SO MUCH

MORE THAN JUST ONE ELECTION, OR

INDEED, ONE CANDIDATE.

PROJECT 2025 IS BORN FROM AN

IMPULSE AS OLD AS AMERICA.

IT'S AN IMPULSE THAT SAYS ONE

CLASS OF AMERICANS IS ENTITLED

TO LEAD, AND THE REST OF US ARE

LUCKY TO BE ALLOWED TO SERVE.

THAT THINKS THERE SHOULD BE A

LIMITED GOVERNMENT WHEN IT COMES

TO RULES THEY HAVE TO LIVE BY,

BUT ALSO A UNITARY EXECUTIVE TO

KEEP THE REST OF US IN LINE.

THESE ARE OLD IDEAS THAT HAVE

BEEN SHOUTED FROM PODIUMS BY THE

LIKES OF GEORGE WALLACE AND PAT

BUCHANAN, BUT HAVE NOW BEEN

PLACED INTO A NEW PLAYBOOK FOR

AN ONLY-TOO-WILLING PRESIDENT TO

USE ON DAY ONE.

AND IN A PERFECT WORLD, I'D LOVE

IF WE HAD AN OPPOSING PARTY

BETTER ABLE TO ARTICULATE A

STRONG DEFENSE OF OUR COUNTRY'S

IDEALS, AND THAT ALSO

CONSISTENTLY LIVED UP TO THEM.

PEOPLE ARE ENTITLED TO HOPE FOR

MORE FROM THE NEXT FOUR YEARS

THAN SOMEONE JUST "NOT BEING

TRUMP," AND FOR AT LEAST TWO

SUPREME COURT JUSTICES TO DIE...

I'M NOT SAYING WHICH ONES I'D

PREFER, BUT...

I THINK WE ALL HAVE OUR TOP TWO.

AND FOR ANYONE TEMPTED TO THINK,

"WELL, WE SURVIVED TRUMP'S FIRST

TERM," NOT EVERYONE DID.

AND AS SHOULD HOPEFULLY BE CLEAR

BY NOW, A SECOND TRUMP TERM

REALLY PROMISES TO BE FAR, FAR

WORSE.

BECAUSE IF HIS FIRST TERM WAS

DEFINED BY CHAOS, HIS SECOND

COULD BE DEFINED BY RUTHLESS

EFFICIENCY.

AND THAT SHOULD BE TROUBLING TO

EVERYONE.

BECAUSE PROJECT 2025 IS A

MOVEMENT WHOSE MEMBERS JOKE

ABOUT WANTING A WHITE HOMELAND,

AND INSIST WOMEN HAVE TO HAVE

MORE BABIES TO UPHOLD WESTERN

SOCIETY, AND ITS WORK MAY BE

ABOUT TO BE FUNNELED THROUGH A

MAN WHO HAPPILY CALLS HIS FELLOW

AMERICANS "VERMIN."

IT'S NOT SUBTLE, IT'S HARD TO

MISS, AND ONCE YOU SEE IT, YOU

CAN'T UNSEE IT.

AND I KNOW THAT'S BLEAK, SO LET

ME LEAVE YOU WITH SOMETHING TO

WHICH THAT EXACT SAME

DESCRIPTION CAN ACTUALLY APPLY,

YOUR THIRD AND FINAL CLIP FROM

"MILF MANOR."

OH, MY GOD, THE DADS ARE

HOTTER THAN THE SONS.

EVEN THE ONE ON THE CRUTCH.

I WANT THE ONE ON THE

CRUTCHES!

YEAH, DEFINITELY THE DADS ARE

GIVING ME COOCHIE TINGLES.

I WOULD'VE NEVER THOUGHT I'D

SEE MY SON IN THIS SITUATION

WITH ALL THESE OLDER WOMEN.

I JUST NEVER THOUGHT YOU LIKE

OLDER WOMEN.

YEAH, NO, I DO.

I WANNA CALL THEM MOMMY.

John: WE NEED TO BE BETTER

THAN THIS.

WE NEED TO BE BETTER THAN ALL OF

THIS.

AND NOW THIS.

Announcer: AND NOW,

THERE'S NOTHING CELEBRITIES LIKE

MORE THAN TELLING ARCHITECTURAL

DIGEST ABOUT THEIR FIREPLACES.

I LOVE FIREPLACES, EVEN IN

CALIFORNIA I HATE HEATERS.

I CAN'T HAVE HEATERS ON, SO WHEN

IT GETS A LITTLE BIT CHILLY IN

THE WINTER I PREFER THE

FIREPLACE APPEARED >> IVA

FIREPLACE HERE WHICH I REDID

INTO GOLD.

AT THE FIREPLACE USED TO BE LIKE

MIRRORED AND FOGGY.

LIKE WE NEED TO FIX THE

FIREPLACE.

SO CHILL LUXURY TO HAVE A

WOOD GRAIN FIREPLACE.

I HAD TWO WOOD GRAIN FIREPLACES

IN THE KITCHEN.

I HAVE A FIREPLACE HERE.

I WANTED THE FIREPLACE TO BE

A STATEMENT.

IT'S IMPORTANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE

THE FIREPLACE.

THIS IS MY DOUBLE-SIDED

FIREPLACE.

FROM THE MOMENT I WAKE UP AND

TURN ON THE FIREPLACES, I LIKE

TO DO PHONE CALLS AND HEAR END.

I HAVE THE ABILITY TO TURN ON

MY FIREPLACE.

WHEN I'M HOME, THE FIREPLACE

IS DEFINITELY ON.

I LOVE THIS ROOM, THIS IS THE

PLACE I LIKE TO GO IN AND LIGHT

A FIRE.

THIS USED TO HAVE A PLASTIC

REGULAR FIREPLACE MANTLE AND WE

PUT OUR OWN DISCO FIREPLACE.

THIS IS ANOTHER WORKING

FIREPLACE, IT'S REALLY NICE TO

HAVE A FIREPLACE.

THIS IS ANOTHER FIREPLACE COME

OUT TO BE ABLE TO CLOSE THE DOOR

TO THE FIREPLACE AND STILL SEE A

BEAUTIFUL FIRE.

THIS USED TO BE A FULL WALL

WITH A FIREPLACE.

WE DIDN'T LIKE IT AND WE PUT

THIS BEAUTIFUL-- BASED ON

KRISTY'S IDEA, WE PUT THIS

BEAUTIFUL ART INSTALLATION.

I KETAMINE.

John: MOVING ON.

BEFORE WE GO, A QUICK UPDATE.

YOU MIGHT REMEMBER, TWO WEEKS

AGO, WE BOUGHT THE CONTENTS OF

THIS SHUTTERED RED LOBSTER IN

UPSTATE NEW YORK, AND REBUILT IT

INSIDE THIS STUDIO.

UNFORTUNATELY, IT TURNED OUT

THIS NEARBY BAKERY WAS

DISAPPOINTED, BECAUSE THEY'D PUT

A NOTE ON THE DOOR OF THAT RED

LOBSTER, ASKING FOR TWO PIECES

OF THEIR KITCHEN EQUIPMENT.

WHICH I MAINTAIN IS STILL THE

STRANGEST WAY TO COMMUNICATE A

DESIRE TO PURCHASE SOMETHING.

IT'S LIKE ORDERING LUNCH BY

WRITING WHAT YOU WANT AND TYING

IT TO THE LEG OF A CARRIER

PIGEON.

YOU'RE NOT GETTING YOUR

SWEETGREEN SALAD.

AT BEST, IT'S COMING BACK WITH A

RAT ON ITS BACK AND A SINGLE

AIRPOD IN ITS MOUTH.

NEVERTHELESS, LAST WEEK, WE

OFFERED TO SEND THIS BRAND-NEW

EQUIPMENT TO THAT BAKERY, WITH

ONE CONDITION.

BECAUSE WE'D NOTICED THEY MAKE

CAKE BEARS, AND I WANTED A CAKE

BEAR WITH MY FACE ON IT, AS

WOULD ANYONE IN MY POSITION,

BECAUSE LIFE IS SHORT, TV IS FUN

AND CAKE IS BEAR.

I ESPECIALLY WANTED ONE BECAUSE,

AS YOU CAN SEE, EACH BEAR HAS AN

ABSOLUTE DUMPTRUCK ASS, AND

SIMPLY PUT, ME GUSTA.

SO LAST SUNDAY NIGHT, WE REACHED

OUT TO THEM IN THEIR FAVORITE

WAY, BY ATTACHING THIS NOTE TO

THEIR DOOR.

AND IT TURNS OUT, ONE OF THE

BAKERY'S OWNERS GOT THE MESSAGE.

WE WERE SO PRESENTLY

SURPRISED TO COME IN THIS

MORNING WITH THIS LOVELY NOTE ON

OUR DOOR AND THEN I WAS LIKE WOW

WHAT IS THAT AND I CHECKED UM

JOHN OLIVER SHOW AND I WATCHED

THE WHOLE SHOW WHILE I WAS

WORKING THIS MORNING AND YOU

KNOW WE'RE JUST SO GRATEFUL THAT

WE GOT TO BE PART OF THE SHOW

AND THAT HE'S GOING TO DONATE

THIS KITCHEN EQUIPMENT TO US,

AND HERE'S HIS CUPCAKES.

John: YES!

I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT

CAKE BEAR.

ITS WIDE OPEN EYES, PLEADING,

"MUNCH ME.

MUNCH A BITE OUT OF MY ASS RIGHT

NOW."

I LOVE THE LITTLE PAWS, THE

LITTLE NOSE, AND THAT EACH BEAR

BASICALLY LOOKS LIKE IT'S

WEARING A JOHN OLIVER HALLOWEEN

MASK.

AND THEY MADE THOSE BEARS SO

FAST.

THAT GUY APPARENTLY WOKE UP TO

TEXTS ABOUT OUR SHOW AT 3 IN THE

MORNING-- A NIGHTMARE I

WOULDN'T WISH ON MY WORST ENEMY

AND BY 10 A.M., THE BEARS

WERE ALREADY ON SALE.

AND THEY EVEN HONORED MY REQUEST

THEY BE GIVEN AN ENORMOUS ASS,

AS THEIR FACEBOOK POST

ANNOUNCING THEM SAID, "THEY HAVE

DONK," ALL CAPS.

AND JUST LIKE THAT, FACEBOOK IS

GOOD AGAIN.

SORRY FOR EVERYTHING I SAID

ABOUT YOU, ZUCKERBERG, YOU

REALLY ARE A BOY GENIUS.

AND THE GOOD NEWS IS, THE BEARS

HAVE BEEN SELLING SURPRISINGLY

WELL.

THE FIRST BATCH OF ABOUT 80

JOHN OLIVER CAKE BEARS SOLD OUT

IN UNDER AN HOUR.

IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

I WAS LIKE, I CAN'T BELIEVE WE

WENT VIRAL, AND THE AMOUNT OF

EMAILS AND MESSAGES ON SOCIAL

MEDIA THAT WE'RE GETTING AND

PEOPLE WANT THEM SHIPPED TO,

LIKE, THE PHILIPPINES AND

AUSTRALIA.

I WAS A LITTLE SHOCKED.

I WAS LIKE, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS

IS REAL LIFE RIGHT NOW.

THIS LARGE CAKE BEAR IS GOING

STRAIGHT TO OLIVER, DEISING

SELLING THE SMALLER ONES FOR

EIGHT BUCKS EACH AND SENDING ALL

THE PROCEEDS TO PEOPLE'S PLACE

FOOD PANTRY IN KINGSTON.

John: AGAIN, EXCELLENT.

NOT ONLY ARE THEY DONATING ALL

THE PROCEEDS FOR THE FIRST WEEK

TO THIS LOCAL FOOD BANK, HE'S

EATING THAT BEAR IN THE MANNER

I'D SUGGESTED THEY WERE BEST

ENJOYED, ASS FIRST.

AND CAN I JUST SAY--

RESPECTFULLY, SIR, THAT'S A LOT

OF EYE CONTACT.

I DON'T MEAN TO MAKE THIS WEIRD,

BUT MY ONLY QUESTION IS...

SO WHAT ARE WE?

AND THE DONATION TO THAT FOOD

BANK COULD END UP BEING

CONSIDERABLE, GIVEN, AT TIMES,

THEY WERE APPARENTLY SELLING

AROUND 100 BEARS AN HOUR.

AND IT SEEMS THE CAKES DO

HAVE FANS.

ONE CUSTOMER TOOK THEIR CAKE

BEAR TO VISIT THE SHUTTERED RED

LOBSTER THAT STARTED ALL THIS,

WHILE ANOTHER MADE THIS

SUPERLATIVE TIKTOK.

John: LISTEN, AS A

47-YEAR-OLD WHO LOOKS LIKE A

67-YEAR-OLD, I CLEARLY DON'T

UNDERSTAND TIKTOK.

BUT I DO KNOW PERFECT FILMMAKING

WHEN I SEE IT, AND THAT IS

PERFECT FILMMAKING RIGHT THERE.

LOOK, THIS HAS ALL BEEN A LOT OF

FUN.

AND FAIR IS FAIR: WE SENT

DEISING'S NEW KITCHEN EQUIPMENT

UP TO THEM ON THURSDAY.

ON TOP OF WHICH, I'M HAPPY TO

SAY WE'LL BE MAKING OUR OWN

$10,000 DONATION TO THAT LOCAL

FOOD BANK.

AND NOW, THERE'S REALLY ONLY ONE

THING LEFT TO REVEAL.

BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT, DEISING'S

DIDN'T JUST MAKE THAT LARGE CAKE

BEAR THAT YOU SAW EARLIER--

THEY ALSO MADE ANOTHER,

FEATURING MY ACTUAL LIKENESS,

AND IT IS THE SINGLE FUNNIEST

POSSIBLE RENDERING OF ME AS A

BEAR.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IT?

PLEASE, COME WITH ME.

I LOOK AT THIS EYES, LOOK AT IT

SKIN, LOOK AT ITS MOUTH!

I'M HUMBLED, SHOCKED, AND THE

KICK BEAR SUGGESTS, SLIGHTLY

TERRIFIED, BUT I'M ALSO

IMPRESSED BECAUSE YOU CLEARLY

HEARD MY CHALLENGE AND SOMETHING

THAT LOOKS BOTH LIKE ME AND

THOSE THAT HAVE WEATHERED THE

ART FOG THAT HAS BEEN THROUGH 14

DIVORCES.

IT INCLUDES AN EDIBLE NOTE

READING "DON'T BE A MONSTER,

HAVE SOME CLASS AND EAT IT ASS

FIRST."

DEISING, JUST PERFECT, SO

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

TO DEISING'S WE AGREED THAT

ROAST THE CHALLENGE OF PRODUCING

A PRODUCT ON ZERO NOTICE THAT

DIDN'T EXIST AND SOMEHOW BEEN

ADVERTISED ON NATIONAL TV AND

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO BOUGHT

THE BEARS.

I CAN ONLY THINK OF ONE WAY TO

END THIS AND THIS IS TO EAT THE

BEAR THAT I LOVE SO VERY MUCH

AND THE ONLY UNIVERSALLY

ACCEPTABLE MANNER, AND THAT IS

BY TAKING A BITE OUT OF ITS

SUMPTUOUS ASS.

HERE WE GO!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WE DID IT!

THAT IS OUR SHOW!

WE WILL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!

GOOD NIGHT!

THANK YOU!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SURE.