All language subtitles for nsskkskd

[Man] ♪ When you're down ♪

♪ When you're blue ♪

♪ When life's got the best of you ♪

♪ Just remember ♪

♪ Life's a picture ♪

♪ Get your camera ♪

♪ And snap ♪

♪ Snap it up, snap it up ♪

♪ Rack it up, rack it up ♪

♪ Before it's too late ♪

♪ A little ring-ring-doodle
Turns a pit bull ♪

♪ To a poodle ♪

♪ A little hanky-pankygives the boot ♪

♪ To Mr. Cranky ♪

♪ A little leap to lovin'
Turns the world turtle dovey ♪

♪ A little midday nookie
Gets the teacherplayin' hooky ♪

♪ Life's a picture ♪

♪ Get your camera ♪

♪ And snap ♪

♪ Snap it up, snap it up ♪

♪ Rack it up, rack it up ♪

♪ Before it's too late ♪

♪ If love ♪

♪ Is on your mind ♪

♪ Well, then luck ♪

♪ Can't be far behind ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ A little hootchy-kootchy ♪

♪ Turns a sourpuss snootchy ♪

♪ A quick ride in the saddle ♪

♪ Makes the blues skidaddle ♪

♪ Life's a picture ♪

♪ Get your camera ♪

♪ And snap ♪

♪ Snap it ♪

♪ Rack it ♪

♪ Whack it ♪

♪ Crack it ♪

♪ Before it's too late ♪

That's Gene Krupa on the drums, folks.

And if you believe that...

No, that's yours truly
on the skins there, folks.

[Woman] Robert Crane. Robert Crane.

Sometimes I wish I was Gene Krupa.

I think I was born in a different era.

That's one of the most
sterling thoughts I've ever heard.

Robert Crane. Robert Crane.

Enough!

This is KNX CBS-1070 on the A.M. dial.

93.1 on the F.M. dial.

It is beautiful in Hollywood,
they tell me.

72 degrees outside right now.

9:25 on the KNX clock.

Yes, Jack. I know.

I'll get to him.

That's Jackie Chapman, our
distinguished engineer, there knocking.

Jack will be appearing later today
at the Ralph's market

in the fresh fruit section,
if I'm not mistaken.

Ha Ha. [silly sound effect]

As you regular listeners know,
from time to time

we have special guests here in the studio.

And today, somebody truly special...

Mr. Clayton Moore, the Lone Ranger,
right over here.

And I've always wanted
to do this with you.

- Hi-yo, Silver.
- Hi-yo, Silver, away.

I never get tired of that.

Do people recognize you
when you're out in public?

No. No, not really.

Can we get you to expose
yourself today on radio?

Take off the mask, reveal your identity?

For you, Bob, sure.

Coming up next, it's a KNX first.

We've got the Lone Ranger, and he's naked.

Don't tell Tonto.

No. No, of course not.

First up, a word from our sponsor...
Lucky Strike cigarettes.

[music plays]

[Bob narrating]
I always wanted to make an impression.

You know the type.

There's one in every class... the cutup.

Eddie Cantor once told me,
"Likeability is 90% of the battle."

And he was right.

Well, that's me.

I'm a likeable guy.

[tapping]

[man] Bob, sit.

Please.

I'm emceeing a lunch in an hour.

Humor me.

Those the contracts I need to sign?

Sit!

You should have been
at Nate 'n AI's this morning.

Your ears would have been burning.

I had breakfast with the boys from CBS.
I got something very interesting for you.

This could be what you're looking for.

What?

- A television series.
- Good-bye, Lenny.

Come on! Listen to me for two seconds.
Stop running, will you?

I thought after Donna Reed fell apart,

you were going to get me
a Jack Lemmon-type role.

A feature. It's a critical time for me.

I need something big.

I can be Jack Lemmon.

You are Jack Lemmon,
and you're Jack Benny.

- Then get me a role.
- That's what this is!

You're Lemmon and Benny combined.
They want you for the lead.

Just promise me you'll keep
an open mind. You ready?

It's set in a German prison camp.
[chuckles]

It's a drama?

No, it's a comedy.

Oh, with the funny Nazis.

Uh, it's a P.O.W. camp.

With a laugh track?

Hey. This is first-class
all the way, my friend.

Bing Crosby Productions doing it for CBS.

This sounds like it
could be a career-killer.

Just read it.

[Priest] He suffered under Pontius Pilate,

was crucified, died and was buried.

He descended to the dead.

On the third day, He rose again.

He ascended into heaven and is seated

at the right hand of the Father.

He will come again

to judge the living and the dead.

[dinner plates clanking]

[Bob] There you go, Bobby.

I think it's perfect for me.

I mean, this character Hogan...
he's quick on his toes.

He's hip. He's a con artist.
I don't want to jinx it,

but I think it's what
I've been working toward my whole career.

Really? You've been working
towards Holocaust comedy?

- Anne.
- What, Bob?

Please, not in front of the children.
They look up to me.

They're small. They look up to everyone.

That's funny. I got to use that.

Bob, for 15 years,
I've followed you from job to job,

from Connecticut to California.

I'm your number-one supporter.
I believe in you.

But do you expect me to keep quiet
when I see you about to do something

that could ruin your career?

[Woman] Aah!

Help! Help!

[Man] Those are the right words,
only say them louder.

All right, honey. You're right.

Family comes first.

It's more important than some TV show.

You really like the script?

Well, it runs circles around
the other stuff I've been offered.

I know. I read it.

You did?

It's funny.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

- [sighs] You'll quit KNX?
- Ahh.

Well, first, I'll do both.

Just to be safe, like we did on
Donna Reed, but if it works...

Oh, Donna Reed was part-time.

I just hope I can pull it off.
Hogan's in almost every scene.

Don't worry.

You always worry,
but in the end you succeed.

Easy for you to say.

[people conversing]

Hello, Henry.

So we're all professionals here.

I realize you've all been working on
your characters, each with his own slant,

but we have to keep in mind
this is a gang comedy.

It's funny to the extent
the gang is funny.

It's like an athletic team.

Roman Gabriel may be
a great quarterback,

but without Joe Carollo,
we ain't gonna complete a pass.

Did you hear about the Greek quarterback,
who hated to leave his buddies behind?

[laughs]

I think we get the point.

Uh, let's pick up with Klink and Hogan.

The great disciplinarian

knows when to reward
and when to punish.

Now my leniency is a legend, right?

Wrong.

You've got a reputation to uphold,
Colonel. You know that.

I mean, you're running the most brutal
prison camp in all of Germany.

Okay, uh, let's back up.

Bob, don't try so hard.

You're the hero of the show.
It's named after you.

Heroes don't try and be heroes.
They simply are.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Uh, let's do it again. Same place.

The great disciplinarian knows

when to reward and when to punish.

Now my leniency is a legend, right?

- Wrong.
- What do you mean?

You've got a reputation to uphold,
Colonel. You know that.

I mean, you are running
the most brutal prison camp

- in all of Germany.
- I am?

In the world. You're ranked third,
right behind Devil's Island and Alcatraz.

Good.

And you're the toughest kommandant
in Germany.

I am?

In the last war, it was "Kill the Kaiser."
Today, it's "Kill Klink."

Kill Klink.

I like that.

Mel Rosen.

I do a little radio show
out of Quad City.

You know, I've actually
heard good things about that.

Thank you. Coming from you
that's high praise indeed.

- You got to get me a tape for that.
- Would you like something to drink?

- I'll have a grapefruit juice, please.
- With vodka?

Uh, no, straight.
Last of the straight men.

I'll have another Tom Collins.

I'm doing a show on the new TV season.
I never pass up one of these junkets.

Well, I'm with you there.

So this new show...

I loved you on Donna Reed, by the way...

it's set in a concentration camp,
a comedy?

Prisoner-of-war camp.

Yeah, it's got all
your typical comedy elements...

Gestapo, police dogs...

So I guess it's fair to say
if you liked World War Il,

you're going to love Hogan's Heroes.

Uh...

no, let's-let's not, uh...

Actually, I got what I want.

Hey, Mel, what...

I thought you were a fellow entertainer.

I'm also a Jew.

It's the same thing.

Thank you.

Are one of those for me?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Bob, look what I found.

- Hiya.
- Hiya. [chuckles]

Uh, this TV reviewer, he just...
I don't mean to offend anybody.

Forget about it. Do you see this spread?

Yeah, I got to hand it to CBS.

They did it for one reason.

The affiliates have seen the pilot.

They love it.

You play Hogan, don't you?

I sure do.
Do you want an autograph?

I've got autographs.

Darling, you just stop that.
Mr. Crane is a happily married man.

Now you wanted to see my room, right?

It's right this way.

[Bob] Did you catch the radio show
this morning? Guess who was on.

Were you listening?

Johnny Winters.

I swear, he's got to be
the funniest human being ever born.

Honey?

What's wrong?

Huh?

Why do we have shady magazines
hidden in our garage?

Those are, uh...

photography magazines.

Gent? Caught?

I'm a photo nut, Annie, so...

Nature Girls 1965?

Mm-hmm. They're harmless.

[scoffs]

No wonder you never look at me anymore.

Come on. Would you stop that?
Listen to me.

I'm out the door every morning at 5:30.
I'm not home until after dark.

Huh?

You see how hard I'm working?

Are you seeing another woman?

Absolutely not.

I want those magazines out of the house.

Yeah, uh... I'll throw them away.

I've seen them before. I just ignored it.

All right! All right, I get the message.

Bad enough I've got to hide them
like some teenager.

Well, what did you have in mind?

Putting them on the coffee table
for our guests to see?

I apologize.

Maybe we should see Father Donnelly.

No. It's our business.

Family business... we'll keep it at home.

You're never home.

I just thought that when you
started shooting Hogan's

that this would change things.

It will. Darling, trust me.

It will.

[Bob narrating] Hogan's Heroes
premiered September 17, 1965,

8.'30 on Friday night.

When the Nielson ratings
were released four days later,

Hogan's, out of98 prime-time shows,

finished number five.

Of the new shows, it was number one.

I've always had
an extraordinary amount ofluck...

being in the right place
at the right time.

Ah, there was some controversy
the first few months, but it died away.

Mondays we blocked the show.

Tuesdays we did exteriors.

Wednesdays and Thursdays we did interiors.

And Friday we'd have a table reading
of the next week's script.

Weekends, we called each other
and went over everything.

I loved it.

Give me a vacation and three days later,
I'm going crazy.

Not another power outage?

No, sir.

I'm installing Richard's
new high-fidelity unit.

In his trailer here?

- I can wire anything.
- Yeah?

You got a second?
Let me show you something.

[whistles]

I designed this myself. Listen.

[man] ♪ I can't get your love
I can't get attraction ♪

[continues]

Pretty groovy, huh?

I'm Bob Crane.

John. John Carpenter.

♪ If I were a carpenter ♪

♪ And you were a lady ♪

- ♪ Would you marry me? Would you... ♪
- Right.

Well, I've never been much into hi-fi.

Photography's always been my thing.

I'm with you.

If you like photography, you'll love VTRs.

- VTRs?
- Video tape recorders?

Magnetic coding, like audio tape.

Same principle, only with pictures.

Huh.

Sony, Ampex, Panasonic...
they're all developing VTRs.

- Hi, Bob.
- Hey, Robert.

- So this is like your...
- I-I sort of freelance.

I work with SonyCom from Japan,
helping them introduce helical-scan VTRs.

I sold Dawson the third VTR in the US.

Sold one to LBJ. Elvis.

Yeah?

Showed him how to use it.

Nice cat.

Back in 15 minutes, Bob.

Shoot, got to run.
Um, nice meeting you.

- All right.
- Carpenter.

- FBI.
- Full-blooded Indian.

Well, actually half-blooded.

Here, take my card.

Dawson and I are hooking up
over at Salomes later,

if you want to come and join us.

- I, uh, I actually prom...
- You'd like it. It's a nice joint.

- House band, strippers.
- Well...

Hey, mate. How's it coming?

You're all set up, Big Daddy.
Eight watts of pumping power.

Hey, there, I just got
the best bloody hi-fi on this lot.

I gotta run.

Salomes.

[burlesque music plays]

Colonel. How's it hanging?

Can't complain.

Glad you could make it.

Richard.

- I brought you a call sheet for tomorrow.
- I already got one.

Let me get you something to drink.

Uh... I'll have a grapefruit juice.

Oh, come one, Bob,
don't be such a prick.

Miss Kitty.

Meow! Whoo!

Miss Kitty. Let's give her a big Hollywood
hand, ladies and gentlemen. Miss Kitty.

[applause]

We're going to take a 5-minute break here.

Let the boys in the band drain
their nozzles, so be right back.

[Woman] ♪ Yes, I'm ready ♪

[Man] ♪ Are you ready? ♪

♪ Yes, I'm ready ♪

♪ I don't even... ♪

I love what you do.

Colonel Hogan?

Can we help you?

You want an autograph?

Yeah, sure, thanks. Okay.

My name's Nickie D.
I'm the drummer here.

You're on that show, too, aren't you?
You play the British guy.

I used to listen to your show every
morning, back when I had a real job.

I always wondered, was that really you
playing the drums on the radio?

Sure, it was. Think I was faking?

Well, you did a lot of kidding.

Not about that.

You want to sit in?

As a special treat, sitting in on drums...

Colonel Robert Hogan from the hit TV
series Hogan's Heroes... Bob Crane.

- [applause]
- Yeah. Bob, let's hear it.

[whistling]

All right, Kommandant,
let's bring out the little strudel.

What do you say?
Come on, Angela, from Lubbock.

[striptease music playing]

[low, indistinct]

[Bob] Well, thanks for
meeting me like this, Father.

I know this must seem a little unusual.

[Father Donnelly] No, not at all.
We haven't seen you in awhile.

I know. I know. I-I'm sorry.

I'll be at mass tomorrow
with Anne and the kids.

This TV show...
you wouldn't believe the hours.

Don't be so hard on yourself.
Everybody's life has its unique demands.

I'm glad you called.

- So...
- Thank you.

What's on your mind?

Just the show, you know?
We work late.

When you get off,
you're all sort of jazzed up.

So I've been playing my drums.

You know, just to sort of wind down.

Been playing at, uh, various, you know...

strip... strip clubs...

joints.

Would you be more comfortable
in the confessional?

Just wanted to talk.

Of course, of course. Does Anne know?

About the clubs? No, no.

No. But I-I think it's obvious.
I've been, um...

you know, coming home later.

Mr. Crane, I am such a fan.
I just wondered...

A picture together? You betcha.
And your name is?

- Oh, I forgot.
- You forgot your name?

- Not that. Julie.
- Julie, all right. Right over here.

Schmile.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

Okay.

- Sorry about that, Father.
- [giggles]

Where were we?

Uh, you and Anne.

Mm.

It's not easy to resist temptation.

One has to remove oneself
from the occasion of sin.

You can't keep...

Listen, I know several musicians.

We play from time to time.

I'm no Bill Evans,
but I can keep up on keyboard.

Maybe we should play together sometime.

- Mmm...
- After work.

Thank you. Yeah, that's...

That's a good idea.

[jazz music playing]

I love what you do.

- Thank you.
- Bob!

Bob, oh, wow.

That was great.

You don't remember, do you?

I'll, uh... I'll give you a hint.

[humming "If I Were a Carpenter"]

- Carpenter. John Carpenter.
- Right.

Hey, how are they hanging?

Pretty tight, my man.

I've been looking for you.
This is John Carpenter.

He's like the James Bond of video nuts.

Anybody wants the new stuff,
they gotta talk to him.

This is, uh, Elaine.

Oh, what a pretty name.

- Thank you.
- And Emily.

- Pleasure.
- Hi.

So... what's happening?
Where's the action tonight?

We were just talking about
maybe going

and grabbing a bite to eat
over at Arthur J's.

No, no, no. Let's go to my pad.

You wouldn't believe this new equipment
they sent me to check out.

It'll blow your mind.

[John] Light hits this layer
and stores a charged density pattern on it

which is scanned with an electron beam
so the resulting signal

is sent by cable
to where it's recorded on tape.

The helical-scan method of the VTR
issues proper magnetic coding,

so picture quality is always secure.

I've never seen anything like this.

Of course not. That's the point.

It's a prototype.

Hey...

that, uh, stereo over there...

Yeah?

Does it play music?

Of course.

Tonight?

Of course.

- Do you got any jazz?
- Name it.

You got Procol Harum?

I got Four Tops.

Close enough.

Uh, Bob.

Uh, you want to freshen the girls' drinks?

Bob?

[Four Tops playing]

Which one you want?

[mumbles]

These girls are ready to get it on,

and you're the man,
so I figured you get first choice.

I don't really care.

Well, if it's all the same to you,
I'm gonna hit on the blonde.

Copacetic?

Co-Copacetic.

They're beautiful, right?

I'll have another hit of that vodka.

[Four Tops continues playing]

Uh, can I get you another drink?

I'm not done with this one yet.

John tells me you used to be a bunny.

Mm-hmm.

Can you do the bunny dip?

Can I do the bunny dip?

Watch this.

Whoops. [giggles]

What's the matter? Don't you like me?

No, no, no. It's not that.
I'm, uh... I'm married.

So am I.

I'm a one-woman man.

Oh. [laughs]
Oh, Hogan, you crack me up.

No, it's, uh... it's...

Well, I'm not Colonel Klink
or that other dummkopf,

whats-his-name, the fat one?

You can't pull that crap on me.

Oh, what's this?

A prop, I suppose.

What do you want?

Colonel Hogan,

I want you to nail me
to the fucking wall.

Whatever you want.

Anything.

Can we leave the lights on?

[giggles]

Danke for the stockings, colonel.

Just don't tell anybody
there's a war on.

Herr Kommandant,
Colonel Hogan to see you.

[Bob narrating] The second season,
Cynthia Lynn who played Helga,

was replaced by Patti Olson,
screen name Sigrid Valdis.

The character's name was Hilda.

Herr Kommandant,
Colonel Hogan to see you.

Kommandant, you wanted to see me?

Yes, Hogan. I have a very
serious matter to discuss with you.

I know everything
that happened last night.

You do?

Hogan, you don't fool me for one moment.

Well, I know that, sir. Cigar?

Oh...

Hogan!

[Man] Cut! Terrific take.
All right, let's move on.

Hey.

- Hey.
- Nervous? That was great.

I feel like a bad actress.

Oh, my gosh. It was so good, really.

Thanks.
Everyone here's so nice, like a family.

Yeah, well, it depends what
kind of family you come from.

Okay, come on, come on.

Okay, guys, guys, guys!

Okay, go.

Okay, cheese.

[Bob narrating]
Completing the second season,

Hogan's was rated 17th by the Nielsens.

[jazz music playing]

I'm Bob Crane's manager, and, uh,

we're having a little party later.

And I was wondering if you ladies
would like to come?

A party with Bob Crane?

We'd love to.

You know who I'm talking about.
It's, uh, Klink's secretary.

Helga?

No, it's Hilda.

Va-va-voom!

She's... She's... got real beauty.

Tighten up your pants?

Yeah, but she's special, you know?

They all are.

She's real. She's not uptight,
you know what I mean?

Oh, here they are, Big Daddy.

Quick, what are their names again?

Jill and, uh, Judy.

Jill and Judy.

Chicks these days,
it's like they throw out all the rules.

I might really be in love with her.
Which is which?

Jill's the blonde.
Judy's the other one.

I'm going for the blonde.

Bob, I had her all set up.

I'm going for the blonde.

Bob, I've been working on her.

The brunette's not my type.

Oh.

I'm sure you'll make do.

- [doorbell rings]
- Come on.

Okay.

- Ladies!
- [John] Hey.

- Hey, how are you?
- Jill, right?

- Jill, yeah.
- I'm Bob Crane.

- Hi.
- Judy?

Yes.

- Hey.
- Hey. Welcome.

So this is the party?

Colonel,
apparently some of the new recruits

are complaining about the barracks again.

- Hogan!
- [laughs]

He does that just right.

- [rock 'n' roll music playing]
- [John] Yeah!

You are so photogenic.

[Bob] That's great! That's great!

I love that thing you do.

Hold on, hold on. I gotta get that.

Take it off! Take it off!

Take it off! Take it off!

Set those buttons free.

Take it off! Take it off!

Oh, that's great.

Carpy, more film!

Oh, that-that's fabulous.

That's fabulous. Do it again.

I didn't even know this thing was on.

I didn't want to freak you,
give you, what, performance anxiety.

Hey, I do my best work
in front of the camera.

- I do mine behind.
- This is... It's fabulous!

Where have you been all my life?

You do this for Dawson?

You don't like him, do you?

He tried out for the lead.

Went to me, so he keeps snipping at me
all the time, little Brit fag cracks.

[in British accent]
Trouble with your lines, luv?

And always...
always trying to undercut me.

Jesus, look at her go.

You're going to have to choose, Carp.

It's him, or it's me.

Oh, look. Look, Bob.

She's giving you head.

Oh...

We're gonna have to burn this tape.

How much you say
one of these things costs?

Flowers three times a week is one thing,

but isn't this extravagant?

Wait'll you see it.

Oh...

How does it work?

Oh, you gotta see this thing. Carpy.

It doesn't bite.
Just don't touch these wires right here.

Oh, okay.

- Ow!
- Oh! [chuckles]

Carpy says, "Don't touch."

[laughs]

Well, what will we do with it?

Home movies.

Smile!

Come on, give me a smile!

Everybody give me a wave.

I just want to get this side.
Just want to get this side.

Oh, please, Bob!
Come on, I'm washing the dishes!

I don't want to be photographed
washing the dishes!

Oh, look at that dress.
I love that, honey.

All right, give me one more shot.
Here we go. One, two, big dance!

- [Bob] Look at that.
- [Anne] Oh, this is amazing.

You just shot this today.

Yeah, with... It's not like film.

I mean, with video,
there's no film processing.

We are light years ahead of everybody!

Look at that!

It's like the Polaroid of home movies.

Herr Kommandant,
Colonel Hogan to see you.

[giggling]

Well, he did beat out
a million other sperm.

Think about that.

It's kind of hard to fathom.

Yeah, you're so easy to talk to.

It's probably because
I speak English, Sigrid.

- Uh, call me Patricia.
- Patricia.

Sigrid is my stage name.

To you, I'm Patricia.

And... what brought you back to LA?

The usual things. A broken marriage.

Cheers to that.

Tired of being a housewife, you know?

So you came back here
where you could play one instead?

Something like that.

What about you, Hogan?

What are your dreams?

Besides drumming with Buddy Rich?

I dream about finding somebody
who, uh, gets me,

who I am.

We're in the show together.

We'll have to keep up the appearance
of respectability.

I can be very respectable.

You're not really hungry, are you?

I'm gonna get the check.

Yeah.

We're a Christian publication, Mr. Crane.

Please, it's Bob.

So this is a little outside
our normal terrain.

We usually don't do Hollywood interviews,
what with the divorces and whatnot.

- Sure.
- That's why we're interested in you.

Um, you've been married to your
high school sweetheart for 16 years.

Fifteen, actually.

Fifteen years.

How do you do it?
What's your secret?

Three words...

don't... make... waves.

[Bob narrating]
As every sailor knows,

when one set of waves
meets another set of waves,

it can set up some chop.

And when three sets of waves
come together,

it can make for some mighty rough sailing.

It also helps sometimes
to have a harmless safety valve.

When I get tense, I blow off steam.

And so, when it comes to my own family...

I don't make waves.

That's inspirational.
You're a fortunate man.

Yes.

Yes, I am.

[sighs]

You want me to run lines with you?

No, I got it.

Is there anything you want to talk about?

About what?

Neither of us has said anything,
but we both know.

Know what?

We never spend any time alone together.

What do you call this?

Tense.

- Distant.
- Oh, you're being ridiculous.

Come on. I didn't mean that.

I just think you're
overreacting a little bit.

It's been a while
since we've done anything.

Or has work sapped all your energy?

My goodness. She was built.

- Uh, Min-Mindy.
- Mandy.

[Bob] Mandy!

We should name a ride after her.
Loop-de-Loop.

Tilt-a-Whirl.

I'll tell you, watching these home movies
gets me so damn hot.

They're videos, Bob. Videos.

I've got a hard-on the size of Florida.
What was that?

- What?
- Uh, rewind the tape.

Just-Just rewind it.

Okay, okay. Just play it from there.

All right, play it right there.

- What's that on my ass?
- What's what?

Freeze it. Can you do that?

Not for long.
The image becomes unstable.

Freeze it right there.

What the hell is that on my ass?

That is my hand.

- Rubbing my ass?
- So what?

You got your fingers up around my cheeks.
What the hell you doing in there, John?

It's an orgy, Bob.

So you can just touch my ass?

I thought you liked it.

I... I thought it was her. God!

- What's the difference?
- What's the difference?

You got your fingers up
my fucking asshole!

Sorry!

Fuck you very much.

Bob, I said I'm sorry.
It's a group grope.

You had your fingers up around my ass.

Well, we were just having fun.

- You know what? You're a perv.
- What?

You're a fucking pervert.
Is that clear enough for you?

A feygele. Does that make sense?

Bob, gee, I'm sorry. You know what?

Hey!

I'll see you next time, Carpy.

Never!

[door slams]

Now, I guess, is as good a time as any.

Thank you all for coming.

Ever since the introduction of the CV2000,

we have been working toward the
development of a color videotape recorder.

Mr. John Carpenter,
our Los Angeles representative,

has set up a demonstration.

This system will demonstrate
what lies in store.

John, get the lights, please.

[music playing]

[Man] I knew it was in color,
but just the one?

John, lights.

We are experiencing
a little technical problem.

If you'd excuse us just a second.

There's hot coffee
and fresh Danish next door.

It'll only be a few minutes, I promise.
Arigato.

Thank you. Thanks.

What's happened?

I don't know.
I set everything according to specs.

Well, fix it!

Looks fine to me.

It's green! It's fucking green!

Uh...

Y-You really can't tell, can you?

You're fucking color-blind.

- I'll fix it.
- God damn you, John!

I've got execs from Tokyo, every network,
and you pull a stunt like this!

- I...
- John, leave.

- I'm fired?
- Yeah. Get out.

- You can't do that.
- It's done.

I've got the contacts.

Who do you think got you the celebrities?

I sold Vidicons to Tommy Smothers,

Dick Martin, Bob Crane.

I sold a VTO to Elvis!

Do I need to call security?

[Bob] One, two...

three! [chuckles]

I didn't think she
was gonna get that last one.

[Anne] Oh, what a beautiful cake.

Oh, huh.

Is it supposed to do that?

It's broken.

Six months?

Can you refer me to somebody?

Right.

All right, well, thank you. Yeah.

[sighs]

John, it's Bob.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Yeah, how are you?

Oh, that... that's funny.

Uh-huh.

Well, the problem is we'd had a little
trouble with the VTR over here, and I, I...

Uh-huh. No, I know you're busy.
Of course.

No, I completely understand.

I just thought maybe if you could,
you know, squeeze us in.

You work on this?

Well, I...

It's the video head drum.

You can't fix it with Scotch tape,
you know.

Is it serious?

No, I should be able to put
another one in there pretty quick

as long as nothing else is fucked up.

Well, I really appreciate
your coming over like this.

I tell anybody who asked, you need
video equipment, you see John Carpenter.

[Girl] Dad!

Oh! I'll be right there, honey.

Bob, I'm real sorry about
what went down at my place.

- You're not still mad at me, are you?
- I appreciate you coming over.

Bob...

I'm not a fag.

Uh-huh.

About Dawson, I told him I was
getting too busy to see him much.

You did?

How'd he take it?

[chuckles]
What choice did he have?

You're my number one man, Bob.

Copacetic?

Copacetic.

Good, because, uh, if you're into it,

one of my clients is having a party
up in the hills on Friday.

Lots of ladies.
A hippie thing.

Could be fun.

[rock 'n' roll music playing]

♪ Let me take you, baby ♪

♪ Down to the riverbed... ♪

Come on in.

Okay.

Wow.

That's fun.

Yeah!

How's the show?

The show's going really, uh, real well.

Excuse me, man,
I loved your radio show.

It was so cool, you know, for its time.

I used to listen every morning.

Thank you. Thanks.

- Can I get an autograph?
- Sure.

Will you sign me right here?

Thanks, Colonel Hogan.

[John]
The Chinese will just march right in.

You know what I'm saying?

[Man] Oh, man, give peace a chance.

I mean, what are you going to do?

Hey, hey, John, we're guests.

I fought for my country.

Look at the jugs on her.

Carp, get a load of this.

[Bob] No, no, that's good. I like that.

Here we go.

Beautiful. Beautiful.

Want to try one of those "schmile"
pictures we talked about?

- Okay.
- Why not, huh? We just...

There we go. And... all set?

Ready.

Schmile.

Schmile.

[giggles]

Really great.

[Bob narrating]
I'm a normal red-blooded American man.

I like to look at naked women.

I love breasts, any kind.

I love them.

Boobs, bazooms, balloons,

bags, bazongas, the bigger the better.

Nipples like udders, nipples like saucers,

Big pale, rosy brown nipples.

Little, bitty, baby nipples.

Real or fake, what's the difference?

I like tits. Who's kidding who?

Tits are great.

- There you are, sir.
- Thank you very much.

[Bob] Oh, I just... So, you...

So you actually
went to Las Vegas with, uh...

You can't even say his name?

Come on. I told you I was going.

Sure, but I didn't think
you were really going to do it.

Bob, honey, you're already married.

She doesn't understand this life.

She'd rather be back in Connecticut.

Yeah, well, she's not
a Hollywood person, you know?

She's so good, though. She's like a...

A saint?

Come on, don't let her do that to you.

You are a good man.

What about the press?

The public reaction?

We've got nothing to be ashamed of.

You know, Ed actually suggested
we get married on the set.

CBS would love it.

Publicity.

Hey, you remember what you said to me
the first time we had dinner together?

- Yeah, that I was fluent in English.
- Oh.

You said you wanted to find a woman
who understands you.

I do. I do.

You know, I have to let you in
on a little secret, baby.

The other women,
I know all about them.

You're okay with that?

We only go around once in this life.

I never want to have to lie
about who I am,

and I never want you to have to lie
about who you are.

You're not going to change.

I know who you are, and I love you.

And I love fucking you.

We can have any kind of marriage we want.

[John] You know, I... it can be such a drag.

I mean, chatting up broads.

You know me.
I'm a gentleman. I don't push.

But you got to draw her out,
get her to talk about herself,

listen to her problems,
act like you give a shit

just to get her clothes off,
and then not even then.

That's life with the ladies.

Bobby just comes in
with that crooked smile

and gets a strike
on the fricking line every time.

Bob's got to be careful.

- What do you mean?
- I warned him.

He shows me his car full of
nudie pictures of him getting sucked off.

I said, "Bob, you're a big star.

What happens if you
get pulled over by the cops?"

He'd hit on the Virgin Mary with
Jesus standing right there if he could.

Richard, you are so bad.

Hey, what's with this
new Sony color system?

I'm not with Sony anymore.

I switched to Akai.

Really?

Bob is just coming through the gate.

- It's about bloody time.
- I'd better go.

Listen, you don't need him.

No, I'd better run.

I put that stuff you wanted in
your trailer.

If you have any questions, call me.

Hey, man.

Good morning, Bob.

Morning, Clary.

Herr Hogan.

Had a late night, did we, Bob?

Armand, you do your job, and I'll do mine.

Stand aside!

Magician at work.

Take four.

And... action!

I'm serious about this, Hogan.

Well, colonel, it's not really
my responsibility, now is it?

Hogan, I'm counting on you.

Well, I'll see what LeBeau can do.

What did you say?

Hogan, what's bothering you?

It would appear Colonel Hogan
is daydreaming again.

What is this?

You will tell us everything,
Colonel Hogan,

or we have ways of making you talk.

What's, uh, what's going on here?

You will tell us now.

Well, I don't know what to do.

Patti wants to get married,
but I can't do that to Anne.

I'd never forgive myself.

Himmler was once in a similar situation.

What did he do?

He sent the wife and the mistress
to Dachau.

Tell me more.

All I think about all day long is sex.

[phonograph playing]

Having sex, filming sex,

watching sex...

Hogan, that's all any of us
really think about.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Nobody else has
their own video specialist.

Video specialist?

Yeah, only mine's a fruit,
or a half-fruit, whatever it's called.

You must send him
to the Russian front.

No! No, I can't replace him.

The sex thing, the Patti thing,
the fruit thing.

I don't even recognize
my own life anymore.

[door opens]

I'm ready for you, Hogan.

- What?
- It'll be a modern marriage.

Klink and Schultzie can join in too.

Come on, Hogan.

Fuck me right here!

The lighting's perfect!

Go for it, Big Daddy.

I've got you covered.

Bob, huh? What do you say?

Go ahead. Fuck her, Bob.

Go balls deep, Pop!

No, I can't. Klink,
tell me what to do. What's the answer?

The answer? We don't have answers.
We're Nazis! Dismissed!

Dismissed, Hogan!

Dismissed, Hogan!

Hogan?

Bob?

Huh?

Are you with us?

You look like you're drifting off there.

Yeah, sorry. Where were we?
[clears throat]

Anne?

Oh...

Hey.

Oh, what a day.

I was, um, cleaning up today,

and I went into your dark room.

Yeah, why'd you do that?

I saw them.

Photography studies.

There was picture after picture.

You know I sometimes
play the drums at the clubs.

How many women are there?

We need counseling.

- How many?
- Anne, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[scoffs]

Anne, Anne, I'm sorry.

You think the children
would be proud of you?

I'm sorry.

I pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. and Mrs. Robert Crane.

[Bob narrating] Hogan's Heroes
left the airwaves on July 4, 1971

after 6 seasons and 186 shows.

Whoo-hoo!

I was determined to do right byAnne.

In the settlement, she got the house,
the car, and custody of the children.

Patti's pregnant.

I need work.

Sid, how are you, my friend?

What kind of roles
you want me to be looking for?

Anything.

I got a Westwood mortgage,
alimony, child support.

I got a baby on the way.

She got pregnant?
I thought you said you had the...

Vasectomy.

It leaks.

It leaks?

I need work.

I don't understand.

You were on Hogan's for six years.

The thing was a hit.
You didn't save any money?

[sighs]

This is not a good time for film roles.

Bobby Darin.

- Bobby Darin gets film roles.
- Well, he's married to Sandra Dee.

You'd have to audition.

Whatever it takes.

I just want to leave Hogan
and the leather jacket behind me

for once and for all, you know?

[TV announcer]
According to the Washington Post,

while still in office as Attorney General,

John Mitchell had personally controlled
a secret Republican fund.

Mitchell vehemently denied
any such involvement

and called the story "ludicrous."

Vice President Agnew...

Bob, you are not a failure.

This mortgage is eating me alive.
I'm drowning in debt.

You know, I've never gone this long ever
without work before.

- [telephone rings]
- I'll get it.

Hello.

Yeah? Yeah.
No, I just got held up. Great.

It's John, isn't it?

You said we were gonna
spend tonight together.

I know. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I just... I just gotta get out.

Okay, this thinking,
dwelling on my problems,

it's driving me crazy.

It's lonely in this house without you.

I know. Listen...
Tomorrow night. Tomorrow night.

You and I. Us.

Promise?

- Promise?
- Promise!

Bad boy!

Get out!

[music playing]

You know what time it is?

It's fuck time.

[Man] Let's hear it
for the inimitable Miss Kitty,

now totally nude, yeah.

And once again, our old friend,
Colonel Hogan.

Robert Crane. Thanks again, Bob.

We're gonna take a little pause
for the cause. Be back in 10.

Well, I was in radio for 15 years.

I was 6 years in Bridgeport, Connecticut,

9 here in Los Angeles,
6 years on Hogan's.

Wow. That's 20 years of solid work.

Rotten to be out of work.

You've been bad.

Yes, I have.

Mm.

I know what to do with boys like you.

Hm?

Well, stripping is
a part-time thing for me.

Mostly, I'm a dominatrix.

Here I'm Melissa.

But, uh,
my real self is Mistress Victoria.

You, you...

You will respect Mistress Victoria.

Are you joking?

You tell me.

[Bob] It's hard to explain, Carp.

You ever been on a roller coaster?

You know that feeling you get
when you take that first plunge?

Yeah, sure.

Well, imagine getting off
while you're zooming straight down,

and your heart is going, you know,

thump, thump, thump.

It's...

That's what it's like.

There's no way to compare it.

Wow.

It's dead air.

What?

Dead air.

Dead air. It's the one thing
every disc jockey knows.

Don't get stuck with dead air.

I swear to God,

I've worked and I've worked,
and I got dead air.

Oh, I hate it.

- Dinner theater.
- [raps on table]

You're kidding.

Why? You've done summer theater.

That was summer theater!

That was to keep busy,
not something to do during prime time!

Dick Van Dyke does dinner theater
and Jim Nabors, Andy Griffith.

Maybe I need a new agent.
Maybe you're the problem.

[raps on table]

All right. Here's the phone.

Who do you want to call?
I've got all their numbers.

Len, that's not what I meant.

Look, I'm not the one coming in here
saying that he's going crazy without work.

I'm trying to help you.

Just keep trying.

Something's got to turn up.

What the hell is that?

Sounds like fire engines.

Well, I know that.

Oh, look,
and they're right on our street.

My God!

The building's on fire!

Oh, look at all the police cars
and the photographers.

- Photographers?
- [baby cries]

Shh.

Photographers?

Oh, look, and there's the mayor too.

Is my wife down there?

Uh, what does she look like?

I can't remember.

[Bob narrating]
The play was called Beginner's Luck,

a sophisticated sex comedy.

We played dinner theaters
around the country.

Patti and I performed shows together,

but it became clear that for Scotty's
sake, she should stay in Los Angeles.

- [Bob] Scotty.
- Scotty!

Wait! Wait! Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, I got him.

You sure everything's
going to be all right?

Yeah, the new actress
comes in this afternoon.

She knows the role.
We got four days.

I mean all right with you.
You seem so tense lately.

Honey, I'm carrying the whole production.

I'm directing. I'm booking.

I'm working the crowd.

You'll be home in three weeks, right?

Unless they boo us off.

They love you, Bob.

Honey...

Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

Come here.

Hm? Come on.

Everybody loves you, Bob.

Have a nice flight.

[Announcer]
Pacific Southwest Airlines Flight 287

is now arriving at Gate 35
from Los Angeles.

Hey!

Big Daddy!

Voilà!

What is that?

A videocassette. It's brand-new.
It has the reel-to-reel inside the casing.

My God.

Any trouble with the luggage?

We're gonna need a skycart.

Well, you know, that's just the thing.

With women,
if they have a good sound...

You know, Patti loves it.

You know, we need a tape, huh? A music
tape. Like a recording or something.

Yeah, you know,
just to get the chicks in the mood.

That's a fabulous idea.
It's a fabulous idea.

["Come Over To My Pad" playing]

[man] ♪ I'm a realgone lover ♪

♪ I'm hip, I'm in the know... ♪

We have so much fun here.
We just love Columbus audiences.

We like after the show to take
a couple questions from the audience.

♪ And if you love me one time ♪

♪ You'll soon come back for more... ♪

So, uh, let's start...

Here.

♪ Come over to my pad ♪

♪ Come over to mypad and play ♪

♪ Like the old saying goes
When the sun shines... ♪

St. Louis audiences are fantastic.

I'd be happy to sign
some autographs after the show.

I ask one thing.

Don't throw them out
while I'm still present.

[audience laughs]

Well, what do y'all do for fun
here in Dallas?

I hear the place to be on a Thursday night
is a club called Lucky's.

♪ Sing with me ♪

♪ I'm a realgone lover ♪

♪ I'm hip, I'm in the know... ♪

So, uh, I guess that's where you'll
find me and some of the crew tonight,

if you're looking for company.

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Over here! Over here!

Whoa!

You all right?

Yep.

Ha ha ha!

♪ Come over to mypad and play ♪

♪ Come on over, baby, I'm coming ♪

♪ Like the old saying goes
When the sun shines... ♪

[door opens]

Carpy?

Sleeping beauty.

Where you been?

While you were catching Zs,

I, your loyal musketeer,

was out at the porn theater

shooting a copy of Deep Throat

off the screen.

You can do that?

I had to use your name.

I picked up some swing magazines.

This is a big town for swinging.

- We should just do it.
- What?

Just make a big-budget sex film.

You know, get some, uh...
get some big star like, uh...

Stella Stevens.

She'd never do it.

Oh, hell, yeah. Yeah, Carp.

Oh, yeah, if you pay her enough.
She's an actress.

Wow, you could charge like 10 bucks
for something like that.

Hey, look at this.

- Look at my dick.
- Hm?

- Look at my dick.
- I've seen your dick before.

Look closer.

I don't want to look closer.

Look, damn it!

See anything different?

What am I supposed to say? It's bigger?

Is it?

How? You did it, didn't you?

Last time I was in LA.

A penile enhancement.

Wow, it's thicker.
How much did it cost?

- Well, if you're gonna be in the movies...
- Looks great.

- ...gotta do what you gotta do.
- [telephone ringing]

Hey, a day without sex...

[together]
...is a day wasted.

Bob Crane.

Hey, Lenny. You're kidding me.

Run it by me again.

No, no, no. That's...

That's great.

[whispering] Disney's offering me
a movie...Superdad.

No, no, no, no, no.
Just tell them I've got some commitments.

Don't blow this, Lenny.

Don't blow it. I want this job.

I need this job, okay?

No, it's fabulous!

- Yeah, I'll call you later. Yeah.
- [phone sets in cradle]

Guess who's playing Superdad.

Me.

So much for our big plans.

Don't give me that look.

This is good for both of us.

- Oh, is it?
- Yeah.

I'm back in play again.

The big time.

Sweets, how are you?

- I'm fine.
- Smile.

Lenny!

- Hey.
- You came by.

It's 20 minutes.

They're turning around the lights.
You want to go in my trailer?

Uh, I got a call from Disney.

Apparently some joker from The Enquirer
took pictures of you in a topless bar.

Uh-huh.

Bob, this is Disney.
Don't fucking blow this.

I'm a family man, a one-woman man.
Always have been.

What about the photo albums?

Those pictures you show people,
you know,

not everyone thinks
about things the way you do.

It turns people off,
and word gets around, believe me.

Who'd I show them to?

You show them to everybody.

Don't be a square.

Is it true you showed them to
Donna Reed and she ran out? Huh?

I may be horny, but I'm not stupid.

There could be
a very serious conflict here

between your lifestyle and your career.

You don't see this?

I'm normal.

- Sex is not the answer.
- I know that, Lenny. It's the question.

"Yes" is the answer.

Bob, I'm just saying...

just try to be a little discrete.

Huh?

Come on in for a minute.

I got to get back to the office.

Well, call me!

[dance music playing]

This is it.

Here we are...

Batman and Robin.

Lone Ranger and Tonto.

Hi-yo, Silver...

[together] Away! Away!

Come on in, guys. Join the party.

Whoo!

- What's going on?
- Janet! Janet!

- What's coming off?
- [man] What's going down?

[Bob narrating] All your life
you're the lucky guy, the funny guy.

Then one day it all turns.

The jokes aren't funny.
The phone doesn't ring.

You're the same, but nothing else is.

Superdad sat on the shelf for a year,

then flopped.

I had to beg Disney
for a cameo in another film, Gus,

about a donkey who kicked field goals.

What do they want from me?

I don't drink. I don't smoke.
Two out ofthree ain't bad.

[Bob] Honey?

Got to go back on the road.

Bob, you're never home anymore.

You think dinner theater
makes me happy?

How do you think it makes me feel having
to do dinner theater to pay the bills?

Gee, I wouldn't know.
I'm just a housewife.

Well, maybe you need a new hobby.

You thought about that?

Maybe I need a new husband.

Hey, everything I do
is for you and Scotty.

Come on. The house, the furniture,
the Caddy that you drive.

I just want someone here.

You're never home anymore.

And when you are,
you're downstairs editing your videos.

What, you want me to cancel
my next engagement, just cancel it?

- Yes.
- I can't! It's a contract.

Marriage is a contract.

Maybe we should just cancel that too.

I booked Wichita.

Is that thing on?

Huh? Oh, yeah.
Want me to turn it off?

[laughs nervously]

Happy now?

Yeah.

[whistling]

Bob?

[whistling]

Bob?

[whistling]

Hey, Big Daddy.

Carpy! You want a drink?

Look what I got. It's a timer.

Now we can put on the recorder
whenever we want,

tape shows right off the TV.

That's fantastic.

Like, if you want to watch
Johnny Carson at 11:30

and we're out hunting chicks,
we set the timer.

Boom!
We watch it in the morning.

Well, I'm gonna need a minute
to wrap my mind around that idea.

Pretty groovy, huh?

Huh.

You okay? You look kind of blue.

Just Patti and I having some problems.

Had to cancel the Wichita gig.

I thought you had
an arrangement with her.

You know how women are.

Yeah.

You got the right idea, really.

Live separately.

I'd miss her and Scotty too much.

This is making me hot.

What's her name again?

I'm not sure.

I could look it up in my records.

- I got all this stuff.
- [zipper unzipping]

The bush on her.

Wouldn't go near that
without a flashlight.

I did. [laughs]

What is it about women, Carpy?

I mean, they tell you one thing,

and then they get you
and they change their minds.

Can't live with 'em.
Can't live without 'em.

You know,
truer words were never spoken.

Can't live with 'em.

[together]
Can't kill 'em.

I think this is Seattle.

Uh, no. Dallas.

Huh?

Look at the decor, the western picture.

Tits on her.

Yeah.

My God, the building's on fire!

Look at all those police cars
and photographers.

Photographers?
Oh, my God. The mayor's there too.

Do you see my wife out there?

What does she look like?

I don't remember!

[Bob] Carpy?

Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's great up here.

Last night? Uh, zilch.

But there's actually a story there.

Society babe. I did her friend.

She was all hot to go,
and then she got the heebie-jeebies.

[chuckles]

When are you coming out?

Excuse me.
Mind switching that to channel nine?

I'd like to check something out.

You got it.

Maybe he'll talk to you.

Watch me.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm sorry to bother you.

It's just that I was sitting over there,
and I noticed the TV, and I... Is that you,

uh, on the TV, is that...

Oh, my gosh. That is embarrassing.

I didn't even know it was on.
I'm Bob Crane.

I know. I thought so.

Bob Crane. Gosh, it's nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too...

- Uh, Susan.
- Susan. All right.

- I loved your TV show.
- Well, appreciate that.

I'm just in town
to do a little bit of theater.

- I just wanted to say hi.
- Can I get you something? Another drink?

An autograph?
A nude swim?

- Bob.
- You know, I'm a real photo nut.

How long you girls in town?

Carp, look at this.

You want a club sandwich?

This editing hookup's fantastic.

I can even cut together cartoons
for Scotty.

No, I'm not hungry.
Watch this.

[Bob] Heeere's Bobby!

Whoa. [chuckles]

[Man] On The Morning Show
with us today... Bob Crane.

Hey! You made this?

Yeah, with your equipment!

It's like the old stuff
we used to do back in radio.

You know how sometimes
you put a flub in the show?

I mean, audiences crack up over that.

It's so funny when you do that.

And the girls, sometimes they're
uncomfortable with the video.

Now we show them an edit.
We get them laughing and boom!

I mean, they love sex.
They're just looking for an excuse.

You want something to drink?

Women should have, like, a license,
or a letter from the Pope says,

"If I sleep with you, my boyfriend
won't come after you."

You know what I mean?

I talked to Nick Murphy in Houston.

Yeah? How'd that go?

We're all set for Monday night
with the swinging thing.

You know, it's strange.
Dallas is a great town for babes.

But for swinging, nothing.

Well, you know what's
a great city for dominance?

Atlanta. Don't ask me why.
I made this for you.

[Man] ♪ If I were a carpenter ♪

♪ And you were a lady ♪

Simply scrumptious.

[burlesque-style music playing]

[Woman] It's not very nice
to try and trick Mother Nature.

It's not funny, Bob.

[laughing] Carp, come on!

Don't... Don't tell me funny.
I know funny. And that is funny.

- No, it's not.
- It's fucking Laugh-In.

- That's Rowan and Martin.
- After all I've done for you.

What do you mean?

The equipment.
Coming when you called.

Running errands.
Setting up the swinging parties...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You hear yourself?

What are you... all you've done for me?

What are you talking about?

How the fuck you think
you get these broads?

You think you show up and say,

"Uh, hey, I'm John Carpenter. Fuck me"?

Huh? No, they're with you because of me.

They don't want you.
They want Bob Crane.

So if you don't mind,

please lay off
the "all-I've-done-for-you" speech.

Mr. Crane?

- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, Mr. Crane.

Do you want an autograph?

You've been served.

Huh?

Welcome to Celebrity Cooks.
My name is Bruno Gerussi.

[applause]

Today we'll be cooking
with Colonel Hogan himself...

Mr. Bob Crane.

Thanks, Bruno.
It's a pleasure to be here.

Wonderful to see you.
Now what has Hogan been up to?

Pretty much the same old thing.

I'm still trying to pull
the wool over Klink's eyes

and trying to get into Hilda's pants.

Actually, I did get into her pants.
I married her.

But, uh, now she's divorcing me, so...

Ohh.

That's not worked out.

But I will be, next month, in Long Beach
performing a show called Beginner's Luck.

Wonderful.

So, Bob, what recipe
have you brought us today?

It is a... a pasta dish...

Mm-hmm.

Uh, with... chicken...

Mm-hmm.

And... fettuccine, they tell me.
That's what they told me to say, anyway.

Sounds delicious.

You got a balloon smuggler here
in the audience today.

You got a license to carry those things?

Here's a little tip on how to remove
the wrinkles from your face...

just take off your bra.

Ohh! What?

Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Calm down. Boo! Calm down.

They'll cut all this stuff out.

They edit it
and they take all this stuff out.

Nice enough girl till she figured out
that the fuzzy thing she's sitting on

could make her some money.

- You all right, Bob?
- I'm fine.

It's actually called a Chicken
Fettuccine ala Crane is my dish.

We can take a break if you want.

No, no, no.
I'm fine. I'm a complete professional.

I just can't get over
the size of those knockers.

Ah! Well, look.
Here come the ingredients now.

- Yeah!
- Wonderful.

[Bob] Ah, the noodles.

Bob, you surprised me. Come in.

Close the door, will you?

Sit.

You need anything?

Sit.

So what's, uh... what's on your mind?

Just passing through.

Some things never change.

How's the theater?

Our, uh, the boys are helping you, right?

I got eight months lined up, thank you.

That's a nice little moneymaker.

You should know.

How's the family? The kids all right?

Patti and I broke up.

- Yeah, I heard.
- She hates me.

And she threw stuff at me...

Ashtrays, a videocassette.

She cut my lip here.
I had to have stitches.

I was wondering if you'd
set some meetings up for me.

Get in circulation. A game show.

Do you remember the reaction
I got on Password?

I know, Password is, you know,
not on the air anymore,

but maybe Hollywood Squares,
you know?

Something just to get into the...

the public's eye.

Don't look like that.

Hey, I'm not talking about
Paul Lynde's square.

Any square is fine.

We've talked about this...
the image problem.

If I were to send you out again,

I'd have to be able
to tell people you're a new man.

Well, tell them sex is normal.

It's good for you. I'm normal.

People got these hang-ups.

Do you know that there's actually
people out there who avoid me now?

I'm the... This is a nice one.

I'm the friendly guy.

I'm the... the mediator.

My brother and father,

goddamn, they hated each other.

You know?

I'm the good son.

Hey, I'm not a counselor.

I'm feeling very awkward
being put in this situation.

[sighs]

I'll tell you something.
There's one thing I know.

Bob, people don't change
unless they want to.

I want to.

A drunk can't get sober and still
hang around his old drinking buddies.

It doesn't work that way, kid.

- [intercom buzzes]
- Excuse me.

Yeah?

- [Woman] Your 4.'00 is here.
- Tell him to wait.

You got meetings.
You got meetings.

No. No hurry. Sit down.

I got to go anyway.

Come here.

I want you to know something. I'm here for
you. I want to help you. You understand?

Huh?

Yes. I'll call you.

Good luck, kid. Beginner's Luck, right?

[raps table]

[raps wall]

Bobby!

Dad?

How you doing?

What's up?

Hello, Mr. Crane.

I'll-I'll be inside.

Wow, she's built.

Hey.

How you doing?

Good. What's up?

What have you been up to?

Nothing much.

Patti and I are, uh... getting a divorce.

She's busting my balls.

Well, really, I don't want to get into it.

I just didn't want you
to hear about it the wrong way.

Right.

I tried to call your, uh, your mom.

She never says anything bad about you.

How you doing?

You okay?

Where you, uh, where you working now?

Well, we're, uh,
going back down to Long Beach.

Uh, then we go up to Seattle
and down to Scottsdale.

Scottsdale, Arizona.

I was thinking about orange the other day.

The color.

You take it for granted, right?

The color orange. But what is it, really?

- The color?
- Yeah.

But that's it.
Just tell me, what is orange?

I don't know.

That is my point right there. You take
it for, uh, you take it for granted.

You don't think about stuff like that.
It's just there.

Uh, did, uh...

John get you that camera stuff you wanted?

Yeah.

Yeah, finally. He can be a real drag.

Mom thinks he's a creep.

Yeah.

We'll see.

We'll see. Got to make some changes.

Anne.

No, no. Don't hang up.

What do you mean
Debbie doesn't come to the phone?

I ran into Bobby the other day. Yeah.

I wanted to tell you.

No, no, hey... Hey, Annie?

Annie?

Annie!

Patti, it's an hour earlier in LA.

It is!

I am so sorry about what happened
with Scotty's drawings at school, but...

Eh, no...

[Bob]
I've agreed to the counseling.

I'm offering you 50-50.

That's fair. That's...
That's more than fair.

I'm trying to be decent.

Well, I don't have that much money!

And, by the way, don't you call me
at my dressing room anymore.

That's... That is where I prepare.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Patti?

Okay, we'll talk then.

Back straight. Chest up. Chin up.

Smile.

"Your drink, key-holder."
[chuckles]

How's your room?

It's okay. I'm at the Sunburst.

Hm.

How are rehearsals going?

That bitch.

What's wrong?

Why did I get married, Carp?

Once you can understand.

I got married twice.

Patti showed up out of town with Scotty.

Yeah.

No warning. Just popped in town
to fuck with Bob's head.

My lawyer called. She told him
that Scotty has written "Fuck Daddy"

on a wall somewhere.

In the divorce papers, she says
that I showed him X-rated videos.

Did you?

I was editing.
He might have seen something.

It's how it looks, John, you know,

to the press.

Right.

You can't give people a chance...

to put you down.

You know what I'm saying?

I do.

You know...

maybe you should go back to radio.

You love radio.

Have you heard radio lately?

It's attacks on the president
of the United States. Jokes.

- Yeah.
- Filthy jokes. They're very dirty.

Rock. It's not my bag.

You know, I'm just trying to help, Bob.

I'm your friend.

You're my only friend, John.

What time is it?

It's, uh, 7:30.

I got to change. Yeah.
Where we going?

Uh, surf or turf?

Surf and turf!

- [chuckles]
- Come on!

Yeah, Big Daddy.

[loud static]

Carpy?

John?

That you?

["Hogan's Heroes" theme plays]

[Newkirk] Well, word is, Colonel,

there's gonna be a surprise inspection.

I don't know about you guys,

but if there's gonna be an inspection,
I got things to hide.

- [echoing] I got things to hide.
- If there's gonna be an inspection,

I got things to hide.
I got things to hide.

My God, the building's on fire!

And look at all those police cars
and photographers.

Photographers?
Oh, my God. There's the mayor too.

Is my wife down there?

What does she look like?

I don't remember.

[disco music playing]

She's a fox.
Look at the caboose on her.

[chuckles]

A day without sex...

[together] is a day wasted.

This place is dead.

Now we still got time
to hit a strip joint.

And we need to talk.

I don't like the sound of that.
"We got to talk."

That's what a chick says
when she's gonna lower the boom.

Hm.

Thinking about getting out.

Of what?

The whole scene.

What scene?

- The dinner theater, all the rest.
- Excuse me. I'm confused.

The road, the hustling,

the broads, the whole thing.

You mean me.
I'm part of the whole thing?

Well, without the dinner theater,

we'd see each other less.

I want to restart my career.

You're kidding, right?

Well, what about my equipment?

Good news. You can keep it.

I want some, I'll buy my own.

You're gonna buy a Betacam, right?

Yeah, nobody needs
John Carpenter anymore.

You just walk into a store
and buy Betacam.

Tommy Smothers bought Betacam.
Dick Martin and now you.

What about me?

You'll be okay.

We got a good thing going, Big Daddy.

Why ruin it?

You'll be all right.

Oh, I see. I'm like Anne and Patti.

You find a better deal,
and you just dump me.

I'm sick of scoring broads for you, okay?

There.

I said it.

What am I, like a drag on your career?

Who's always been there for you
when you were moping, complaining?

"Oh, John, John,
nobody wants to hire me."

Flying around the country
whenever you call,

to hauling your shit from the airport,
taking seconds. I'm a drag?

Well, you're a fucking loser!

Bob Crane's a loser!

I ain't a loser!

Bob Crane ain't a loser.

It's you who brought Bob Crane down.

Bob Crane is a good guy.

Bob, let's not do this.

Please.

John, you're my friend, okay?

You'll always be my friend.

Shit. I'm supposed to call Carolyn
about the Jacuzzi party.

[ring]

[Bob] Hello.

Hey, it's John. How's it going?

All right.

- You alone?
- Yeah.

You didn't score?

Man, I'm in my damn shorts.
How about you?

Uh, negative.

I had to drive her halfway up to nowhere.

What happened?

She said, "No way."

What do you mean?

She wouldn't let me
come to herplace.

She wouldn't come to my place.

Boy, I don't need that.

Christ.

- Bob.
- Hm?

Uh, you know, I was thinking.

You know, uh,

if I said anything earlier tonight that...

- Don't worry about it.
- You know, I... I...

- Do you think about it?
- What's that?

You know, what we talked about.

You know, uh...

what we talked about.

Yeah, I need to take a break.

I just, you know, this thing
with Patti, all of it.

I need a break. I need a break.
I need a break.

I'm...

I'm sorry.

You'll change your mind.

I'll change my mind. Are you deaf?

Huh? What the fuck's wrong with you?

Kaput. All right?

We're-We're still friends, right?

Hey, you need a ride tomorrow
to the airport?

I, uh, got a luncheon at noon.

John?

Don't bother.

Just don't fucking bother.

[yawning] Okay.

Don't get all worked up.
I gotta get some sleep.

I'll give you a call
sometime, Carpy.

[dial tone]

[Bob narrating]
The investigation was not well-handled.

Scottsdale was a small town back then.

They suspected Carpy,
but didn't prosecute.

Not a solid case, they said.

This was before DNA.

Fourteen years later, a new district
attorney brought him up for trial.

John told them, "He was my friend.

Why would I kill him?"

Evidence had been lost, memories faded.

He was acquitted.

Four years later,
he died of a heart attack.

I can't blame him.

He was a coolguy in his way.

That's how it is.

Men gotta have fun.