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Ladies and gentlemen, and people
of the Leicester Square Theatre,

please welcome to the stage me,
Rachel Parris!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

PLAYS PIANO SOFTLY

# What is the point?
Why are we all here?

# What does our life mean?
What is it worth?

# Where are my car keys?
Is custard liquid?

# How do we unlock the secret
To life on this Earth...? #

These are not rhetorical,
by the way.

# How did we get here?
Why did we get here?

# Who did we get here
And which how we be?

# How is your nephew?
How are we doing?

# Leave a review, please
Your feedback is key

# What are we doing?
What are you doing?

# Are you called David?
Where are you parked?

# Are you a Virgo?
What are you wearing?

# Have you considered
A new life on the island of Sark?

# Where are we going?
Where are we headed?

# Are we nearly there yet?
And are we insured?

# What destination?
Is it near a station?

# Are you convinced
That we'll all fit

# In your little Ford...? #

I'm not sure we will, David.

# Is there a God
Or a Garden of Eden?

# Are they in Sweden?
And how do we check?

# Who is the maker?
Who's the creator?

# Yes, it seems likely it's Ant
But is it also Dec?

# Where is our money?
What is it kept in?

# Trapped in a spreadsheet
Or up in the sky?

# What's in Barocca?
What's in kombucha?

# Have you considered a new life
On the island of Skye?

# How do we Marmite?
Where do the bees go?

# How is that horse you bought
When you were drunk?

# Who is controlling
What we see when we're scrolling?

# Have you received this
Or is it in junk?

# What does our life mean?

# What even is money?

# What are your bank details?
Please write them down

# So much unknown

# Like your security code

# All of our lives are so fleeting
The world is repeating

# And all that we thought
Is in a tiny proportion

# A smidge in a trace
Of an infinite space

# And we live on the cusp of it
Humans adjustably

# Try to adjust a bit
This is the thrust of it

# We should be needing less
Fortune is meaningless

# Thank you for reading this

# Please transfer £3,000. #

This is not a scam.

Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much,
Leicester Square.

So nice to be here with you.
Thank you for coming, London.

London, thank God.

I've been on tour.
Obviously, I live in London.

Why wouldn't you?

You can't say that, I know.

You can't say anything any more,
can you? Erm...

No, you really can't.
It's important...

Obviously,
there's many places of value

all over the United Kingdom.

WHISPERS: There's not.

It's lovely to be back here.
CHUCKLES

I've been so scared.

So, this show is called Poise,

and it comes in a year
in which I am turning 40,

and...
CHEERING

Don't patronise me.

And of course, we're having
a general election.

And those things mean
a lot of big questions.

Hence asking all the big questions.
You know, why are we here?

Is custard liquid? And the show...

The reason that I find myself
asking so many questions,

particularly as I approach 40,
is that...

I'll give you some context.

A few years ago,
I did a show here on this stage.

Erm, it was a, er...
CHUCKLES

..award-winning show...

..in which I, as...

The thrust of the show,
I did a chalk drawing

of a house,
and a little stickman husband,

and little stickmen children,
and a car in the drive,

and a pathway, and a chimney
with smoke coming out of it,

and a little stick dog -

the dog was horrifying.

And at the end
of that award-winning show,

I painted a big chalk cross
through it

in an act of feminist defiance.

And I sang a song about not needing

any of the traditional things
that would be expected

of a normal life like that.

And now, five years on,

I have all those things,
and I've run out of jokes.

I never saw that coming.
Never saw that coming.

I find myself in roles

that I genuinely never expected
to be in.

The role of wife,
the role of mother,

the role of stepmother.

I never thought
that I would be those things.

I never thought I would be

a homeowner.

A homeowner. I realise, by the way,
the privilege of saying that.

I am aware. Like, I'm a millennial.

So I, in my entire friendship group,

I've only ever known one person

who owned their own home,

and I married him.

LAUGHTER

Obviously, cos I'm no fool.

So, I'm a homeowner.

I never thought I'd be, you know,
a pension... pusher,

a mortgage regretter,
a farmer's market attendee.

I have things like
a skincare routine now.

Er, I have things like an air fryer.

I have an air fryer,
and I know how to use it.

Things like my local butcher
knows who I am, right?

Well, actually, let me be specific -

my local butcher doesn't
know who I am,

but he really, really knows
that he doesn't know who I am,

and that's actually
almost the same thing.

Our local butcher, it's actually
two Scouse brothers who run it,

and my husband -
who's here tonight... Hello.

MAN SHOUTING
Hi.

He's a comedian as well.
He's called Marcus.

And the local butcher knows him

and is pleased to know him,
and gives him a 10% discount.

And not me.

We're in the same household.

And every time we go
to the butcher's,

the butcher goes,
"All right, Marcus, how's it going?

"And who's this with you?"

And my husband goes,
"This, again, is still my wife.

"Six years on, it's still my wife."
And he goes, "All right.

"And you are a comedian too,
ain't you? You're a comedian too.

"What you been in?"

And I go, erm,
"Oh, don't worry about it."

And he goes, "No,
cos I ain't seen you in nothing.

"I ain't seen you in nothing.
What you been in?"

I go, "Oh, God, erm...
Mock The Week."

And he goes, "No."

As if I'm lying.

"No, I ain't seen you in that."

And I go, "Oh, erm, I was on
a show called The Mash Report."

And he goes, "No,"
as if I've just made it up.

And then he goes,
"Are you Stacey Solomon?"

LAUGHTER

"Sort Your Life Out -
are you Stacey Solomon?"

And I go, "No, no, sorry,
I'm not Stacey Solomon."

And he goes, "Ah, shame."

And I go,
"Sorry, just to say as well,

"Stacey Solomon,
she's not a comedian."

And he goes, "No, I think she is."

And I go, "No, she... she's not."

And he goes, "Oh, she is, she is.

"I've seen her
on all the comedy panels.

"There's always,
like, three male comedians,

"and then there's Stacey Solomon."

"Yeah, that is true. That is true."
I haven't got time.

I haven't got time to explain
the misogynistic TV industry

to the local butcher.

Anyway, then he goes,
"Never mind, what can I get you?"

And I go, "Four vegan sausages."

And then he spits on the floor
and kicks me out of the shop.

That's what my life is now.
That's what my life is now.

And I feel like...

Part of the reason why
I reject these, what I see as,

quite traditional roles is that
for so much of my adult life,

I was like the fun,
partying single girl.

In my friendship group,

loads of my friends
settled down very early,

and they would come to me
for my stories

of, like, dating and drinking
and partying

and, you know, doing, erm,
some of the drugs.

Erm, I think you can tell
that I didn't do many of them

by what I just said -

"Doing some of the drugs."

But I would regale them
with these stories,

and they'd live vicariously
through my free, single, mad life.

I'd go to their house, and they'd be
like, "Sit down, Rachel.

"Tell me, tell me all about it.
Tell me...

"are you taking care of yourself?"

And I'd be like,
"I'm taking care of business!

"Yes, I'm taking care of...

"Whoo! Double-shots Fridays,
LOL, men be crazy."

And they'd be like,

"It just doesn't sound like
you value yourself very highly.

"This is an intervention."

And then I'd cry,

and they'd cry, and we'd hug.

And that was the crazy single life
I had.

And I do miss it.
It was a simpler time.

The equivalent of that now is

that I will arrange to go out
for a drink

with my equally partnered-up friend,

and we will take it in turns
to list things

about our partner that baffles us,

while the other one goes,
"Same. Same.

"Exactly the same.
Same for us. Same for me.

"Same for us. Same for me.
No, the same.

"No, sorry to interrupt,
but carry on, but it's the same.

"Exactly the same. It's unbelievable
how the same it is.

"Same for me. Same for me."
Then we'll finish our tap water...

..and we'll get home
at a timely hour

in time to watch a glass-blowing
programme on Netflix.

I think most of you know
the one I mean.

So, yeah, it's interesting.

It's... It's a... It's a big change.

It's not something that I expected.

I am at a point,

and I'm aware
my husband's in tonight,

that I've reached a point
in my relationship...

If I lean in,
he probably won't hear.

Sometimes,

when I'm going out, like to work
or to meet a friend,

I'm getting ready,
and I've got just this thought

at the back of my head, right,
that maybe...

I'm getting ready,
and I'm hoping that tonight,

someone who isn't my husband
might notice me

and be like, "Oh, who's that?"

And be like,
"Who's that mysterious lady?"

Is that OK?
MURMURING

WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Yeah!
Thank you.

God, that took a long...
Jesus Christ!

Judgemental pricks.

"No, your marriage is over."
I'm not gonna do anything.

It's just a thought
at the back of my head.

And I think, you know...
I'm not going out of my way

to create a sense of mystery
or anything.

Just, you know, a pair of Converse,

you know, an interesting blouse

and a copy
of Jurgen Klopp's biography,

just poking out of my bag there.

I like to look sport-curious.

Which is a lie cos I'm not.
I'm sports-sceptic, if anything.

And I think what makes me feel
more guilty about that

is that I'm aware
that my husband is someone

who is not doing that.

If he was trying to create
a sense of mystery

and look special
for someone who wasn't me,

he would ask me to style his hair.

And if he left the house
looking mysterious,

it would be because deep down,

he knows
that he's forgotten his keys.

So I do...
It's interesting, I find even...

Even my politics is softening.

Don't worry, I know.

I know most of you are here
to hear me slag off the Tories,

and of course I'll do that -
I'm not crazy.

LAUGHTER

Course I will.

Also, just to address,
there's always,

in any crowd of mine,
there's always a few people

who don't have the same politics
as me.

There's always a few
Conservative voters in the room,

and if that is you,

what a bold move to come.

Well done, you. Well done, you.

Not on what you vote,
but well done, you,

on coming tonight.

I think it's brave.

I hardly ever willingly go to events

where I'm just repeatedly told
that I'm wrong.

I mean, I've been to my kids'
parents' evenings, but I...

Still, good for you.
Good for you for coming.

And I hope you change your mind.

So, politics.
So, erm, just to give you an idea,

could you, at this point,
give me a cheer

if you know the programme
The Mash Report?

CHEERING
Lovely.

Give me a cheer if you don't know
the programme The Mash Report.

ISOLATED WHOOPS
Lovely, good. Good.

About seven of you, lovely.

So, for the seven of you
who don't know,

The Mash Report was
a programme on the BBC,

it started in 2017,

and it was a satirical comedy show
hosted by Nish Kumar.

And I was like a sidekick to him.

And it went on for a few years.

It switched to Dave,
it became Late Night Mash.

Essentially, I conducted
a six-year bullying campaign

against Nish Kumar

until he finally - phew! - quit.

Oh, it took ages.

And then I was able
to take over as host,

as I'd always planned.

And then, about two years ago,

I was able to achieve
my ultimate aim

of finally running that show
into the ground.

LAUGHTER

It's now been cancelled.

Cancelled twice, actually.

Cancelled first by the BBC,
and then cancelled by Dave.

And that one really hurt.

LAUGHTER

Dave.

Under exactly
the same circumstances.

Both times, they said that it was
because of a lack of funding,

but I think, those of us
on the show, it was very apparent.

It was actually cos we weren't
being impartial enough.

They didn't like that we weren't
impartial on the show.

And I look back and I think
that's really fair, actually.

That's a totally fair critique

because we gave a disproportionate
amount of airtime

to views that made some sense.

LAUGHTER

You know? So...

Anyway, the reason I bring up
The Mash Report is that

because of doing The Mash Report
for so many years,

I've had this weird,
incredibly intense eight weeks

in every year for the last six years

where I'm, like, really absorbed
in party politics,

in the Westminster news cycle,
reading it, understanding it,

regurgitating it,
making jokes about it,

presenting it, promoting it.

So now when I come
and do live shows,

I don't do loads and loads
of politics

because I like to get my politics
over and done in eight weeks

and then draw a line under it.

Like Liz Truss.

CHEERING

APPLAUSE
Thank you.

COUGHS

Thank you. Worth it.

Worth it. Worth her whole
premiership for that joke,

I think we can all agree.

Liz Truss.

I didn't expect, obviously,

to still be talking
about Liz Truss now,

but we do have to keep talking
about Liz Truss,

for several reasons.

One of the reasons,
obviously, you know,

is that we're still literally
paying for the mistakes

that she made in all of our bills,
all of our mortgage rates, you know.

That is... That is still happening.

So the impact she had
is still ongoing.

The second reason we have to keep
talking about Liz Truss

is that she hasn't gone away.

We thought she'd gone.
She went off across the sea.

We thought she was gonna be like
Galadriel

and diminish into the west.

But she wasn't.

She was like the bad Galadriel
where she goes crazy.

She, erm... She's come back

with ever-increasingly alarming
necklines.

She's been told by Steve Bannon
that she didn't go far enough.

She's retracted any hint of apology
about what she did.

And I think it's quite apparent
that while, yes,

she is running for MP,

I think her future is joining up,
in every possible way,

with Lee Anderson...
LAUGHS

..and running some sort
of nightmare party

that an awful amount of the country
will vote for.

The next reason that I do
have to keep talking about Liz Truss

is that I'm aware
that all of you are sitting there

with one question in your head,
which is,

"Rachel, are you going to sing
Candle In The Wind,

"but it's about Liz Truss?"

I know that's what you're thinking.

And the answer is yes.

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

Er, just before I sing this,
can I just check,

do we all remember
when Liz Truss was in power

that the Daily Star,
my favourite newspaper,

ran a picture of an iceberg lettuce
every day?

God, that was great.

PLAYS INTRO FROM
'CANDLE IN THE WIND'

I know, I'm really doing it.

"How did she get the rights?"

I didn't.
LAUGHTER

Don't tell him.

# Goodbye, Lettuce Liz

# No-one never knew you at all

# You had the nerve to back yourself

# As you watched the country fall

# You thought your Budget would work

# You tried to call it
"Trickle down"

# But then the market
Shat themselves

# And you swiftly tanked the pound

# And it seems to me
You served your time

# Like a candle in the wind

# Never knowing who to blame

# For all the shit you were in

# I'm a fighter not a quitter

# You said that, then you quit... #

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

# Your candle in this metaphor

# Is a burnt-out pork market

# Kwarteng got it rough

# And took the blame
Oh, he got played

# You were in bed with Tufton Street

# And made sure oil pipes got laid

# You even met the Queen

# Then she immediately died... #

LAUGHTER

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Don't clap.

# And when the new King met you

# He said, "Oh, dear, Oh, dear,"

# And sighed... #
Don't you remember?

# And you seem to me
To be someone who

# Would light a candle in the wind

# Never knowing windy weather
Might blow a candle out

# You'd have a policy of candles

# To try to keep us warm... #

You'd say something like,

"We are a country of candles,

"and we will withstand the storm."

# You'll be talked about for years
But mainly in satire

# Your candle burned out long ago

# But your legend's a bin-fire. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

But of course,
at least for a few more weeks,

we have Rishi Sunak.

Rishi Sunak.

Little Rishi Sunak.

Rishi Sunak, little Rishi Sunak.

# Rishi, Rishi Sunak, we love you

# Oh, you, Rishi, Rishi Sunak
Rishi, Rishi Sunak, we love you. #

You'll never stop
thinking about that now.

LAUGHTER

You're welcome. You are welcome.

Rishi Sunak. Rishi Sunak.

Now, here's what I mean
about my politics softening.

I've learnt, from being cancelled
by the BBC and Dave,

that I have to be more impartial,
so here we go.

I have mixed feelings
about Rishi Sunak.

On the one hand,
I think that he has been cowardly...

OK? Hm.

..in dealing with, you know,

people like Boris Johnson
and Nadine Dorries,

erm, people who were
disrupting the party,

and he just didn't deal with them
at all, gave them what they wanted,

and in dealing with important votes
about equal marriage

and about abortion
before he was Chancellor.

Cowardly, cowardly, cowardly.

Erm... and also, I think that he...
LAUGHTER

I think, arguably, he's, like,
far too personally wealthy

to be governing a country
in a time of recession.

Erm...

No, sorry. And also...

Wait, I'll get there. So, er...

also, I do think it is a bad look
for a prime minister

to try and change the law

to fit a policy
that you want to go through -

so, take the Rwandan scheme,
just off the top of my head,

something that has been
deemed illegal.

To try and change the law
to fit your purposes,

I think that's not, hmm,
is not OK.

But on, er... No, sorry, one more.

And I... I do also think
that he has no moral code.

No moral code. So, erm...

I think I should just precis
this hand, actually.

So, on the one hand, we've got,

sure, I think that he's
a morally vacuous, power-hungry,

overly wealthy, cowardly criminal.

But on the other hand...

I think he's got kind eyes.

LAUGHTER

I do. I really do as well.
I really...

Kind eyes. Lovely eyes.
Gorgeous eyes.

Picture his eyes now.
Think of those lovely big eyes.

They're gorgeous.

I could look into those eyes
all day.

I could fall into those eyes.

"Argh!"
CHUCKLES

"I've fallen in!

"Help!"
CHUCKLES

"I've fallen in."

But he wouldn't help you.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE
So...

Rishi Sunak, little Rishi Sunak.

Little Rishi Sunak.

I think we can all agree
that one of the biggest deceptions

that Rishi Sunak has pulled off
since his time in power

is that he ran on a platform

of appearing to be in the region
of six foot tall.

And I feel like it's only
in recent months

that it's really coming to light
the extent to which

he's five foot six,
and that's to a great extent.

I'm aware there are bigger things
to worry about

in the country right now,

but I am curious
as to how he did it.

Was it clever camera angles?
Is he wearing secret high heels?

Of course, he's not wearing
secret high heels.

He wears trousers
that are tight and short.

He's essentially wearing
pinstripe Capri pants.

He's not wearing high heels
under there.

And I'm sorry for suggesting
that he was wearing high heels

because that might put in your head
the concept of Tory drag.

What an awful thought.

Just have a think about
what that would look like.

Hard to imagine.
No, it's not hard to imagine.

Red, white and blue sequins,
buck me boots, and a Windsor knot.

And it's Michael Gove.

Course it's Michael Gove,
he's got nothing else to do now.

It's Michael Gove,
coked up to his eyeballs.

Tory drag,
and that would be the drag name.

Or maybe "Yuni and Jacqueline".

I don't know.

He's...
CHUCKLES

He's got an ethics advisor...

..if that reassures you,
Rishi Sunak.

Famously, Boris Johnson fired
his ethics advisor.

Rishi Sunak has an ethics advisor,

so we can all sleep easy
in our beds.

His ethics advisor is
a former hedge fund manager

who worked with Sir Philip Green
and Robert Maxwell.

Perfect. Perfect.

Hard to know, isn't it,
whether you want someone

who will appoint an ethics advisor,

or who doesn't need
an ethics advisor.

I don't know... I don't know. I...

I have never had an ethics advisor,

and yet I've sent
hardly anyone to Rwanda.

So...

again, mixed.

A mixed bag.

National service...
LAUGHS

Fucking hell.

INHALES

National service is the idea now
that he's thrown out

to try and get, I assume,

the grey vote,
is what I'm calling it,

but I don't think it's gonna work.

Why I don't think it's gonna work -
and hear me out on this.

I don't think you'd like this,
but I think national service,

if you take the military aspect
of it away,

is quite a left-wing idea, isn't it?

Like being made to work

for the greater good,
to contribute to the country.

Like, instead of just volunteering
to do it.

I think that's quite communist.

But, you know, I'm not saying
we should vote for him.

I'm just saying I think that

while Starmer is sort of getting
more central,

I do feel like Sunak is throwing out
absolutely random ideas

that are accidentally left-wing.

But I'm not completely against
national service. I'll tell you why.

Because, again, I think if you take
the military training out of it,

cos they said you can just volunteer
for one weekend out of the month.

I'm gonna say three phrases to you -

national service, young people,

childcare crisis.

Can you see where I'm going?

I, personally,
and I know I'm not alone

cos I've read all the articles
in The Guardian...

LAUGHTER
..I need baby-sitters,

I need cheaper nurseries,
I need childminders.

Who is gonna do that?

It's the young, for free,
with no choice.

And now I'm saying that,
the idea of the young

looking after, for example,
my child or the children I know,

maybe they would need to have
military training.

So let's say national service
is military training,

and actually,
I'm on board with that,

and then after that, it's
volunteering to look after my...

I'm gonna vote for Rishi Sunak.
LAUGHTER

Gonna vote for Rishi Sunak.

That's what I'm ultimately
coming back to. So...

So, in terms of my politics,
actually, I genuinely find,

as I have been approaching
the age of 40,

I've found that I am less sure
than I used to be

about a lot of political issues
about all sorts of things.

I thought, as I got older,
I would get more sure, more certain.

I would know the world more,
I'd know myself more.

But actually, there's lots of things
I'm unsure about,

but I try and combat that
by trying to come across

as quite a wise woman.

I'm really enjoying
this new phase for me.

And I've started making up idioms

and phrases just spontaneously,

and trying to pass them off
as if they exist.

I inflict quite a lot of these
on my step-kids.

My step-kids are 19 and 21,
which is a great age for this

cos they're old enough
to need life advice,

but not quite old enough to know
when I'm spouting absolute bullshit.

So it's perfect.

So, like, to give you an idea
of what I do -

so, my stepson was talking
about a flatmate of his

who's very dirty
and messy in his room,

leaves, like, dirty cups and plates.

And he's worried about mice,
you know, in their flat.

But he said, "At least he keeps
the mess to his room.

"It's not all over the flat."
And I said, "Well...

"you know what they say about mice."

And he looked a bit worried.

I said, "You know what they say
about mice."

And he said, "No." And I said...

.."They come for the room,
but they stay for the house."

LAUGHTER

He said, "Do they say that
about mice?"

I said, "Yeah. They come for the
room, but they stay for the house."

SNIFFS, SIGHS

My stepdaughter was talking about
someone that she likes,

and who likes her,

but we were talking about
how to get that person to, like,

make the first move.

And I said,
"Well, the thing to remember is...

"..if they need a push at the start,
they need a push forever."

"If they need a push at the start,
they need a push forever."

She said, "What?"

I said, "If they need to push at the
start, they need a push forever."

I said, "It must be true -

"I've got it printed
on a tea towel over there."

I don't know who... Who am I?
Who am I now?

But I'm enjoying this phase
for myself.

And I think that this persona
gives the impression

of me being quite sorted,
quite a sorted person,

someone whose life is filled
with purpose and poise,

someone who knows
where their towel is.

And that couldn't be less true.
That couldn't be less true.

And I'm gonna give you a story now
which illustrates

how sorted my life is.

Just before I tell you this story...
CHUCKLES

..I'm gonna say,
please don't leave...

LAUGHTER
..as I tell this.

Previous audiences, some of them,
have left.

And I'm gonna say it's fine
to be appalled. Do be appalled.

But don't leave.

Just stay. If you leave,
I'll consider it an act of misogyny.

OK.

CLEARS THROAT
So, picture the scene.

Last year, I was visiting
my sister-in-law for the first time.

She lives in Canada, in Toronto.

I was visiting her, her partner,

her three teenage daughters
and their new dog.

And I went on this trip
with my husband,

my two, at the time,
teenage step-kids and our baby, OK?

Quite a full house.

And it's an open-plan house.
That will become relevant later.

Now, on the second day,

I went into our bedroom,

and I saw the new dog
behaving strangely.

And I knelt down,
and what it was doing

was, it was ravenously chewing on...

What's that? I looked. What's that?

My used tampon.

GROANING
Don't leave!

Don't leave. I know!
You can be... I was appalled.

This doesn't happen to me every day.

This has never happened
to me before. I was like,

"Oh, my God, that's disgusting...

"Agh! Er, I don't know what to..."
And I've never had a dog.

I've not acquainted with dogs,
really.

I don't know what to do with dogs.

So I just stood
in front of it going,

"Stop.

"Stop it. Stop."

And my husband heard me
shouting stop at a dog,

and he came into the room and said,

"Why are you shouting stop
at a dog?"

And I said,
"The dog... Look! The dog!

"The dog's eating... eating a..."

And he went,
"Oh, my God, that's disgusting."

And he got involved,
he got down and started trying

to, like, get the jaw open
and get it out.

This panicked the dog.

The dog ran through my legs,
through my husband's legs,

down the landing, down the stairs,

into the open-plan house

in which sat my new sister-in-law,

her partner, three nieces,

two step-kids and a baby.

They wanted to know
what was going on,

why me and my husband
were chasing a dog, shouting "stop".

And I said,
"It's got something in its mouth."

And they said,
"What has it got in its mouth?"

And I didn't want to say, so then

they all started guessing.

It was the least fun
family guessing game

I have ever played.

They were like, "Is it a mouse?"
And I was like, "No."

And they were like, "Is it a rat?"
And I was like, "I wish."

And then they thought they'd got it.

They were like, "Oh, no. Oh, God.

"Is it... Is it one of the baby's
used nappies?"

And I was like, "It's worse!"

"It's worse!"
INHALES SHARPLY

In the end,

as a family...

It was quite lovely, really.

We managed to get hold of the dog

and extract what was left
of the tampon...

GROANING
I'm sorry.

..and put it in the bin.

Or, as I should say,
put it BACK in the bin.

It did come from a bin.
I'm not a monster.

It did come from a bin.

It's just a really fucking
tenacious dog.

We put it back in the bin.
Everyone was fine.

And if I'd known then
what I know now,

I might have said...

.."You know what they say.

"You know what they say.

"The family that extracts a used
tampon from its dog's mouth together

"stays together."

That's not what I said.

Erm, I said...

.."I suppose it's
an extra bit of protein."

She didn't like it, either.

She didn't like it... Canadians.

They're too clean.
They're too clean.

So I'm coming now towards the end
of the first half,

and we're gonna have a singalong.
Are you on board?

AUDIENCE: Yes!
I could tell that you would be.

Er, I'm gonna lead this.
I'm gonna split the room.

I can't see, where's half?
About here, about here.

Er, and I'm gonna come to...

What's your name, sir?

Chris! This whole side of the room,
you're Team Chris. Give me a cheer.

CHEERING
Lovely.

OK, I'm gonna come to...

This...
WOMAN: Zoria.

Zoria? This is Team Zoria.
Give me a cheer.

CHEERING
Don't worry, Zoria.

I can see you're worried.
You don't have to do anything.

Apart from, like, inwardly,

you have to really, like,
feel like you're representing.

Do you feel like that? Thank you.

You sure? Great.

OK, so, er,
this is gonna be in C minor.

I know that some of you
like to know. OK.

PLAYS CHORD
Now, usually, when comedians, say,

try and lead a singalong,
they write something

that's quite accessible and simple,

so that people can just relax
and enjoy it.

I haven't done that.

This is a two-part counterpoint.

Er, there's interweaving melodies,
there's harmonies,

and you are singing
against my melody.

OK, so please do concentrate,
do use your diaphragms,

and don't bleed onto
the other people's melody.

Lovely! We're going to have fun.

Erm, I did, if you're wondering,

used to be a music teacher
in schools.

Yes, I did.

But not one of the ones
that the kids love.

LAUGHTER

You know that genre of teacher,
they're like,

"Oh, my God, music,
cos music's so fun.

"I love Miss Parris."
That wasn't me.

I did produce
some fantastic productions, but...

what I would say is...
So, they let me go...

..because they said that children

shouldn't have to audition
for the Nativity,

which I wholeheartedly
disagree with.

You know, I don't want
a below-par Away In A Manger.

And they said
in their parting letter

that I have a duty of care
to the children.

Which I think is true.

But what I said
in my parting letter was

I have a greater duty of care
to music itself.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, so, um... So, Team Chris,
you're starting on G.

PLAYS NOTE
You're gonna go like this.

CLEARS THROAT
After me.

# Da, da-da. #

Have a go.

# Da, da-da. #
AUDIENCE JOINS IN

Then you're gonna go...

# Da, da-da. #

Have a go.

WITH AUDIENCE: # Da, da-da. #

Then you're gonna go up again.
# Da, da-da. #

Have a go.
# Da, da-da. #

It's those three phrases,
and then you stop.

You've got to stop and let me sing.

If you don't stop,
I don't get to sing,

so please don't hog the song, Chris.

LAUGHTER

Let's put those together. Ready?

One, two, three, let's go.

WITH AUDIENCE: # Da, da-da

# Da, da-da

# Da, da-da. #

Perfect. Give them
a round of applause, Team Zoria.

APPLAUSE

Team Zoria, your bit's harder.

You're on E-flat.

You're gonna go like this.
You sound like little goblins.

# Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da
Da-da, da-da, da. #

Go.

WITH AUDIENCE: # Da-da, da-da, da-da
Da-da, da-da, da-da, da. #

Then you go down to...

# Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da
Da-da, da-da, da. #

Go.

WITH AUDIENCE: # Da-da, da-da, da-da
Da-da, da-da, da-da, da. #

Then up again.

WITH AUDIENCE: # Da-da, da-da, da-da
Da-da, da-da, da-da, da. #

You've got it.
That was brilliant, straight away.

Very good. Hm, quick study.

It's not a competition,

But it could be, couldn't it?

CHANTS: Make it a competition!
Make it a competition...

This was mentioned
in my parting letter as well.

PLAYS NOTES
Those are your notes.

OK, we're gonna try it together now.

# Da, that's your note
That's your note. #

OK, let's do...
Ooh, I feel like Gareth Malone.

# Da, da. #

One, two, three, go.

WITH AUDIENCE:
# Da, da-da, da-da

# Da, da
Da, da, da

# Da, da, da

# Da, da-da, da
# Da, da. #

Yes! That sounded really good.
Give yourselves a round of applause.

APPLAUSE

Suck it, Military Wives Choir.

So, this is a song, again,

about one of the big questions
in life.

And I think that we can now agree

that it's a song in which
all of you are complicit.

# There's a

# Question that's been festering
Throughout the age of man

# It's a quandary
They've pondered on

# Since time itself began

# And the chances are
An answer are as slim as wafer ham

# Tonight I'm giving you
A helping hand

# What do

# Women want?
That's the question

# What do women want?
I'm gonna tell you

# What do women want?
Listen closely... #

All different things
because women are all different.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# What can they need?

# This enigmatic breed

# How can we guess

# Their desires?

# What makes them tick?

# They're so esoteric

# Are they fairies?
Are they angels?

# Are they liars?

# They're probably liars

# Where do they come from?

# What are they made from?

# Are they flammable?
I don't know

# I have never touched one... #

LAUGHTER

# What do... #

Two, three, go.

# Da, da-da

AUDIENCE: # Da, da-da
Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da

# What do women want

# Da, da-da
Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da

# What do women want

# Da, da-da
Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da

# All different things
And those things keep on changing

# Is it children, is it cats?
Is it heels, is it flats?

# Is it housing that's affordable
Or the time to do French plaits?

# Is it the freedom to be anything
Or anyone you choose?

# Is it cake? Is it cake?

# Is it beef?

# Is it love or respect
Or the plays of Bertolt Brecht?

# Is it diamonds, is it gold
Or to never feel the cold?

# Is it pockets in our dresses?

# Is it elderflower presses?

# Is it gloves? Is it gloves?

# Is it gloves?

# Sometimes it's gloves

# There's an

# Unknowable variable
They just can't pin down

# Over half the population
Are all thinking of it now

# If you ask it too directly
You'll get into a row

# I'm offering to help a brother out

# What do... #

Two, three, go.

# Women want?

# Da, da-da
Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da

# What do women want?

# Da, da-da
Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da

# What do women want?

# Da, da-da
Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da

# If you're struggling

# Give them gloves. #

And gold.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Er, I'm gonna talk now
a little bit about parenthood.

That's something that, er...

I'm a parent. I'm a parent.
CHUCKLES

I've got stepchildren,
as I mentioned,

and I've got a little one of my own,

so I've got a spectrum
of parenthood, if you like.

And for me,
the surprises started quite early.

I remember when they began.

It was in that iconic scan
that you see in sitcoms and films,

where you're there with your big
pregnant belly in the hospital,

and they put lube on it.

And, erm... Are we calling it lube?

That is what it is, isn't it?
Probably.

And you've got a sonographer there.
And we had this lovely sonographer.

She really loved her job.
She was very kind-hearted.

And she knew that
we were both comedians,

and she didn't love that.

And she said,

"Would you like to know
the sex of the baby?"

And we said, "Yes, please."

And she said,

"Well, then,
you can look at the screen now."

"Oh.

"Is it...

"Is it a grey omelette?"

And she was like...
CHUCKLES

"I'll zoom in for you."

And she zoomed in,
and then she said,

"You can look at the screen now."

"It's worse.

"Oh.

"Oh, wait, is it...

"Is it Guernsey?

"Is it a topographical map
of Guernsey?

"Is it a pile of linen? Is it..."

My husband chimed in.

"Is it the screen
from the film Poltergeist

"with the hand coming out?"

She said, "Please stop joking."

She said,
"I'll zoom in for you once more."

And she did.

And then she said...

.."There's no mistaking that."

"There's no mistaking that."

Now, let me tell you,

when a sonographer says
of your unborn child,

"There's no mistaking that,"

you hope it's a boy.

LAUGHTER

Otherwise, what are we...?

Is she saying, "Oh, I can
clearly see a little todger."

Or is she saying,

"Check out the hole
on your daughter!

"In all my days, I have never...

"Christ."

Is she saying,
"I can see a cheeky little winky?"

Or is she saying,
"There's a vagina of note."

LAUGHTER

Anyway, my daughter was born.

LAUGHTER

No, he is a boy.

And it is massive.

LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Ooh!

You just "whooed",
that's really strange.

I know, I brought it on myself.

Brought it on myself.

There's a special relationship,
I think,

between mothers and sons,
particularly at this age.

And I'm gonna sing a song

that's just purely sentimental,
to be honest.

I hope you'll indulge me.

This used to be an audience
singalong as well,

but so many audiences failed me...

LAUGHTER

..that I've stopped doing that.

PLAYS TUNE OF
'TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR'

I know what you're thinking.

How did she get the rights to that?

I didn't.
LAUGHTER

# My star

# Love everything you are

# Every smile you ever smiled
Is a photo in my heart

# My boy

# I hope you know it's true

# My song would sound all wrong

# Without the melody that's you

# And as you grow

# I love every brand-new you

# And one day, you'll find someone

# Who loves you as much as I do

# And you'll bring them home

# And I'll look them in the eye

# And say, "Back off!

# "Get away from him
That angel boy is mine"

# I'll drive them away

# But I'll be nice to them
In front of you

# But I'll bribe them
To leave the country

# As soon as you're out of the room

# Now I think about it

# You can live with me forever

# You needn't get a job

# Or maybe we can work together

# You're my baby boy
You'll always be my baby boy

# Don't grow up

# All my dreams are on you now

# I hope that's not too much

# Starlight

# It's you who makes it right

# I am yours, and you are mine

# I'll always hold you tight. #

Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Just a nice song.

We had his 20-month assessment
recently.

That's an interesting one.

The 20-month assessment is
the first time

that the Government officially
judges you as a parent.

And I behaved in a way

that I would describe
as "cooperative",

and which my husband
later described as "maniacal".

LAUGHTER

So, we went into this
quite bland corporate room.

There was a lady called Martha,

and there was a few toys
on the floor.

And my son, Billy, started playing
with a few of the toys.

He picked up a green truck,
and, er, Martha said,

"And what colour is that?"
And he said, "Green."

And she said, "Oh, good."

And then Billy said,
"Where the blue truck?

"Where the blue truck gone?"

And she said, "Oh, he likes
the colour blue, then."

And I said, "Yes,
but he's not obsessed with it.

"He likes it a normal amount."

LAUGHTER

So...

And she wrote something down.

And then she said,

"Is Billy able to put
three words together yet

"to form a sentence?"

And I said, "No.

"He's able to put five words
together to form a sentence."

Ha!

And she wrote something down.

And then she said, "There's sort of
niche skills and motor skills."

She said, erm...

.."If you name a body part,

"is he able to point at it
on his body?

"Like, say, tummy?"
And I said, "Yes, I think so."

Then she said to Billy,
"Billy, where's your tummy?"

And he pointed at his tummy. Lovely.

And I said, "But he doesn't
just know his tummy.

"He knows lots of other parts
as well.

"He knows his head,
he knows... his arms,

"he knows his hands, feet. Erm...

"Billy, where's your neck?
Where's your neck?

"Show her your neck.
Where's your neck?

"Billy, where's your neck?"
He was a bit tired by this point.

"He knows 'neck'.
Billy, where's your neck?

"Where's your neck, darling?
Where's your neck?

"Where's your neck?
Where's your neck, poppet?

"Where's your neck?
Darling, where's your neck?

"Where's your neck, darling?
Billy, where's your neck?

"Where's your neck?
Show her your neck.

"Show the lady your neck.
Show the lady your neck.

"Your neck. Neck.

"Neck. Neck. Neck. Neck.

"Neck. Neck. Neck. Neck. Your neck.

"Billy, your neck. Billy, your neck.

"Billy? Billy. Billy.

"Billy. Billy. Billy.
Billy, the lady.

"No, he'll do it, in a minute.
Your neck. Your neck.

"Show her your neck.
Billy, come back. Come back.

"Come back, come back. Good boy.
Your neck. Show her your neck.

"Show your neck, poppet.
Show your neck. Give him a minute.

"Show your neck. Show your neck.

"Your neck. Neck.

"Show her your neck.
Show her your neck.

"Show her your neck, poppet.

"Show your neck. Neck. Neck. Neck.

"Neck. Neck. Neck. Neck.

"Neck, Billy. Neck. Neck.

"Neck, Billy."

And then he got it wrong.

LAUGHTER

So that was a fail.

It wasn't just me being weird.

There was something about
fine motor skills, right?

She said, "Does Billy know

"how to thread beads onto a string?"

An activity -
and I can't stress this enough -

that I have never seen him do.

And I went to say, "No."

And my husband chimed up

for the first time
in the whole interview,

and with more confidence

than with which he said "I do"
on our wedding day,

said, "Yes, he does."

And I looked at him,
and I was like, "Does he?"

And he went, "Pretty sure he does."

Now, to give you
a bit of background,

my husband is a very confident man.

It may be related to the fact
that he has had

three private school educations,

every one of which he's squandered.

LAUGHTER

Now, full disclosure,

I have had one
private school education,

but I was on a scholarship there -
an assisted place, to be specific.

Thank you very much, the '90s.
Thank you very much, John Major.

Thank you, the Conservatives.
Again, I am voting for Rishi Sunak.

LAUGHTER

No, I was a scholarship girl.

So I have the privilege
and the confidence

of a private school education,
paired with

the imposter syndrome of being
the scholarship girl in the year.

So what that leaves me with,
as a personality,

is that with any given task,
I'm like,

"Oh, I won't be able to do that.

"No, I can't.
I can't possibly do that.

"Yeah, but I know I can't do that.

"And I know that
better than anyone."

But my husband has got
a lot of confidence.

Erm, to give you an idea,

recently, he suggested
that we go on a barging holiday.

Now, I've never been on
a barging holiday before.

I don't even know
what the verbs are.

Like, do you drive it?
Do you sail it?

Do you ride it? I don't know.

And I said to him,
true to my character, like,

"But when do they teach you
how to barge?

"I don't know how to barge.
How do we learn?

"Do they teach you when you arrive?

"Do you have to YouTube it
in advance?

"Do they give you a pamphlet
through the door?

"When do you learn how to barge?"

And he said...

.."I wouldn't worry about it."

LAUGHTER

And I said, "Why?

"Do you know how to barge?"
And he said...

"Pretty sure I do."

Sometimes it's sexy,
sometimes it's annoying.

Anyway, back to the assessment.

It turns out my son is
a professional jeweller.

LAUGHTER

The last thing that Martha said
to us was, she said,

"What does an average day
look like for you and Billy?"

And I said,
"Well, if he's not at nursery,

"then we might play with some toys,
we might go to the park,

"maybe watch a bit of TV
and then have dinner."

And she said,
"Oh, that sounds lovely.

"But we do say to all parents,

"do try to limit TV
to half an hour per day."

LAUGHTER

And I've never been more proud,
actually.

Both of us put on
such a united front and both went,

"Oh, might have to cut down
a little bit, then."

As opposed to what was going on
in our brains, which was,

"What the fuck
are you talking about?

"Half an hour, per day?

"Half an hour? Of television?
Per day?

"HALF an hour? HALF an hour per day?

"Of television? With a toddler?"

I don't know how to be
a mother on half an hour.

My son has watched
two full-length Disney feature films

before he leaves for nursery at 8am.

LAUGHTER

What an offensive,
demoralising thing to say to us.

And I have reported her.

LAUGHTER

It's at this point in the show
I think I should tell you...

Sorry, I'm just trying
to sort my hair out.

Don't include this in the DVD.

Erm... It's not a DVD.
They don't exist any more.

It'll go on the YouTubes
or something.

It's at this point in the show
I ought to mention

I am at my sexual peak.

WHOOPING

Another curtsy. Thank you.

I'm meant to be at my sexual peak,
according to "staticians".

Erm... women, approaching 40,
it's meant to be your sexual peak.

But if people tell you,
you should be at your sexual peak,

but you don't feel like
you're at your sexual peak,

then being at your sexual peak
becomes yet another thing

I haven't got around to doing.

It's just, the list on the fridge,
it's just endless.

Erm, I don't know
if I'm at my sexual peak.

I don't know if my husband's
at his sexual peak.

I'll show you my husband's
sexual peak. Hang on.

Now?
LAUGHTER

Bit of fun.
APPLAUSE

Bit of fun. Yeah, I'm meant to be
at my sexual peak.

And what this reminds me of was,
a few years ago,

I was doing Bath Comedy Festival,

and it was sponsored
by Lovehoney.com.

I know. Thank you.

Some of you know what that is,

and some of you are pretending
not to.

Which is adorable.

Lovehoney.com, obviously,
is a sex website.

It sells sex toys,
lube and lingerie.

But not the lube you put on
a pregnant belly, presumably.

It was sponsored by Lovehoney.

At the end of my gig,
Lovehoney asked to meet me,

and someone from Lovehoney
gave me a goodie bag.

Woo-hoo-hoo. Thank you very much.

Bit disappointing as a goodie bag.

It had absolutely zero
birthday cake in it.

No balloons, no streamers.

Did have poppers. I...

LAUGHTER

And it did have something called
a sherbet dip, but...

..there's not enough Canesten
in the world.

LAUGHTER
Erm...

Not even, no.

So, they gave me a goodie bag,

and then the person from Lovehoney
said to me...

.."Would you consider becoming
a brand ambassador for Lovehoney?"

And I was surprised.
I was surprised.

And I said, "What makes you ask me?"

And she said, "We think that you,

"Rachel Parris,
are the perfect person

"to normalise sex toys."

LAUGHTER

I'm gonna say that again.
I want you to drill down into it.

The perfect person

to normalise sex...

The perfect...
Think about everyone you know

and everyone in the world.
Who's the perfect...?

It's me.

Turns out it's me.

To normalise sex toys.

Not to glamorise them,
not to make them look good.

To normalise them. So the job is,

there's someone
on the street thinking,

"Oh, I really wish
I could own a dildo.

"I want to own a dildo,

"but that seems too luxurious,
too exotic.

"But wait!"
LAUGHTER

"Look in that window.
The nation's frump, Rachel Parris!

"Maybe...

"..if she owns a dildo,
maybe I can, too."

That's the job. That's the job.

Now, I turned this down,

not because it wasn't flattering,
which it wasn't.

I turned it down because I thought
about what that entailed,

and that's a very difficult job.

Like, someone's got to do it,
I presume,

but I don't think it's me.

Who is the perfect person
to normalise sex toys?

Is it Monty Don?

Is it Monty Don? Who did you say?

WOMAN: Lorraine Kelly.
Lorraine Kelly? I get that a lot.

I get a lot of votes
for Lorraine Kelly.

I've had Lorraine Kelly,
Clare Balding.

LAUGHTER

I think it's a good shout.
I think it's a good shout.

Now, remember, before you shout out,

this is to normalise sex toys,
not to glamorise them.

So I don't want your Joel Dommett,

I don't want your Katherine Ryan,
your Anita Rani.

They would glamorise them.
This is to normalise them.

OK, any thoughts?

MAN: Liz Truss.
Liz Truss?!

Liz Truss isn't normalising
anything.

What a weird suggestion.

WOMAN: Jeremy Corbyn!
She's already fucked the country,

I don't want her fucking herself
as well.

Jeremy Corbyn? Hmm...

No, I don't...
I'm not sure about that.

MAN: Nicola Sturgeon!

Nicola Sturgeon?
LAUGHTER

Nicola Sturgeon!

Maybe. She's got a lot...

She's got a lot of time
in that caravan. Maybe.

WOMAN: Ann Widdecombe.
Ann Widdecombe!

No.
LAUGHTER

I won't have that.
I won't have that.

Is it Stacey Solomon?

Pretty good shout, isn't it?

You know, normalising sex toys.

So, the reason I know that this is
gonna be a difficult job

is that I went on Lovehoney.com,

and I looked up the kind of thing
that I would be normalising.

Lovehoney sells an item which...

To describe it to you,
I would have to check,

do you all know
what a Fleshlight is?

Yes. Some of you do.

For those of you who don't know,
please guess.

LAUGHTER

It's called a Fleshlight
because it's a play on "flashlight".

Yeah? So, it's like, roughly,

it used to be sometimes the shape
and size of a flashlight.

And you'd hold it down there,

but you wouldn't
look around the room with it.

You'd more move it.

It's the opposite function
of a dildo, OK?

So, I think we know where we are.
So, that's a Fleshlight.

The British version
was called a Florch.

LAUGHTER

If that helps.

I can see it's helping. Erm...

So...

Where was I? OK, so, erm...

Lovehoney.com
sells a water-resistant,

hands-free shower mount
for your Fleshlight.

I'll say it again -
a water-resistant,

hands-free shower mount
for your Fleshlight.

And here's what I'm not sure of.
I'm not sure...

I'm not 100% sure

that I am the perfect person

to normalise that.

I don't know if...
I don't think I am. I'm not sure.

There's someone on the street
right now thinking,

"Oh, I really...
Oh, I really want to...

"frop my shower cubicle
without using my hands

"or worrying about
the mount perishing."

LAUGHTER

But wait - that seems...

that seems too niche,
too embarrassing.

GASPS
Wait!

Run-of-the-mill, platonic,
sexless figurehead Rachel Parris!"

LAUGHTER

"Maybe I can."

But weirdly, now, in the space
I am just right now in life,

life is very busy, I'm very tired,
my husband's very tired.

We've got two step-kids,
we've got a toddler.

We're very busy, we're touring.

I feel like there is a purpose
in normalising

all different swathes
of sexual activity.

And at the moment,
I could normalise the one that is

someone on the street thinking...

SIGHS
"You know what?

"I want to have sex, but maybe
I'm not having it as acrobatically

"or energetically as I used to.

"Maybe I'm not getting
as fancily dressed up as I used to.

"Maybe we have to plan it a bit more
and it's not as spontaneous,

"but that feels too... too boring.

"But wait!
LAUGHTER

"Professional everyman
Rachel Parris!

"Maybe, even I...

"can fuck my shower."

LAUGHTER

That could be me.
That could be me.

I find the idea of using sexuality
to sell things very interesting.

It's not something
that's really ever been my bag.

But I look at people who do it well,
and I admire it. I admire it.

I admire the girls
from Selling Sunset.

Selling Sunset is a programme
on Netflix that I love.

It was big in lockdown.

Some of you...
Some of them are here tonight.

Selling Sunset is about a team
of, erm, mostly female

Amazonian women in Hollywood

who have all had
quite a lot of plastic surgery,

they're nearly all blonde.

They're just so glamorous,

and they all, crucially,
hate each other.

And they all, crucially,

never tell each other to fuck off.

And it's amazing what they can say

when they...
There's so much hatred there.

But what they do is,

they take the person they hate
out to lunch, and then they say...

CALIFORNIAN ACCENT: .."Chantrice?

"Can I just say
that I really admire you?

"Because I think
that you're the kind of person

"who isn't afraid to show

"completely different sides
of yourself to different people

"depending on who you're with
at the time."

LAUGHTER

"Whereas I feel like
I'm the kind of person

"who just shows one side of myself,
whoever I'm with."

And the other one'll go,

"Thank you for saying that,
Jessifer."

LAUGHTER

"I really appreciate us
getting together like this.

"Can I just say that I feel like

"I'm the kind of person who has
different facets of my personality

"to show to different people?

"Whereas I feel like
you're the kind of person

"who is just one thing."

LAUGHTER

"And there's no right way to be.

"Sometimes I wish I was like you.

"Sometimes."

And then a third one,
who's sort of mediating,

will be like...
She'll be, like, Chrishelle.

Chrishelle will be like,

"Guys, I'm so proud of us
for doing this.

"Can I just say that you, Jessifer,

"are the kind of person

"who really cares when you see
that other people are hurting?

"But what I love about you,
Chantrice,

"is that you don't let the suffering
of others affect you at all."

LAUGHTER

"Your nails look amazing today."

And I just think
it's remarkable diplomacy,

and it's a level of diplomacy that
I think that we could be employing

on the foreign stage.

I think UK foreign policy is fucked.

Erm, it's bad, isn't it,
at the moment?

And I don't think it can get
much worse.

So my suggestion is that the girls
from Selling Sunset

teach our leaders how to deal

with foreign diplomatic situations.

Imagine Liz Truss
dealing with Putin in that way.

I think it would work.
You know, she'd be like...

.."Can I just say,

"I feel like
you're the kind of country

"who needs more and more land
to feel validated?

"Whereas I feel like
we're the kind of country

"who could feel validated by arguing

"over whether jam or cream
goes first on a scone."

And Putin would be like...

.."I feel like
you are the kind of country

"who would lose your shit
if there was a little bit of purple

"in your Saint George Cross."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"You are weak and feminine,
and I despise you."

CALIFORNIAN ACCENT:
"You're doing it wrong, Vlad."

I, er, haven't thought much

about our foreign policy
since Brexit.

I'm not going to talk about Brexit.

What is there to say?
It's just going well.

LAUGHTER

The Brexiteers told me
to get over it,

and I have.

I have.
It was easy because, you know,

the industries that we were promised
would flourish are flourishing.

Our economy, that we were promised
we'd get back and would boom...

INHALES SHARPLY
..is booming.

Immigration,
that we were promised would drop...

STRAINS: ..has dropped.

CHUCKLES: It hasn't.

I would like to tour to Europe
with this show,

but I can't.
LAUGHTER

I'm over it. I'm fine with it.

So, look,
I'm not gonna talk about Brexit.

I'm certainly not gonna do
a song about Brexit.

What I am gonna do
a song about is...

the biennial, now,
snaking queues of traffic,

leading up to the Port of Dover

every major holiday.

You may be aware of this,

it's just a small by-product
of Brexit.

No, not of Brexit, necessarily.
Could be anything causing it.

But roughly between 2016 and 2018,

erm, whenever there was
a major holiday, at Dover,

the amount of extra paperwork
would mean -

not necessarily that -

would mean that people got stuck
in queues for days.

For days. Truckers, tourists,
holiday-makers,

people trying to get in,
people trying to get out.

Last Easter, people spent
the actual Easter weekend

in their coaches and cars at Dover

instead of in Paris or Belgium
or wherever they wanted to go.

It's tragic, but it's funny.
LAUGHTER

So, this song said...

And, you know, it might not be
Brexit, why that's happening.

It could be a cohort
of learner drivers

all stalling at the same time.

It could be some kind
of elaborate flash mob. Erm...

Could be one of the, I don't know,
fascinating car crashes

that people slow down to look at.
I like to think,

if you look at the snaking queues
all interweaving,

and you zoom up,
and you get a bird's eye view,

you'll see a tiny Neil Buchanan
going, "This is an art attack."

LAUGHTER

So, this song is called
Easter In Dover.

PLAYS PIANO SOFTLY

# The wheels on the bus

# Do not go round... #
LAUGHTER

# They are stationary, quiet, still

# There are bluebirds over
The white cliffs

# And they're crapping
On the window sill

# Oh, I do like to be
Beside the seaside

# Beside the back-seat of seat B

# Coach C of Crawley Luxury

# Easter
In a seat, in a coach

# In a queue, in a port in Dover

# Easter
Put seat 9 in recline

# Froglet wine and a 60-berth motor

# Somewhere stationary
Adjacent to the coast

# Is the place where I want to eat
My lamb roast

# How blessed are we to celebrate

# In a queue stretching
Halfway to Ramsgate?

# Easter
I'm glad we never reached the coast

# For this is just what we hoped for
And more

# No working toilet
No air-con, no food

# Happy Easter
Praise the Lord

# Yes, we wanted to be in Paris
But we were wrong

# It's nice to be in a bottleneck
Six miles long

# Forget the Eiffel Tower

# Trevor hasn't had a shower now
For four days

# That's a record

# We were anticipating
The romance of France

# But Kent is even nicer
Given half the chance

# And Trevor's only packed
A single pair of pants

# So it really feels like spring

# Easter
Here so long, going strong

# This vehicular conga is a party

# Party
Ann and Nick have got the looks

# So if we're stuck here
We might throw in our car keys

# We've been here so long

# I'm finding Trevor interesting

# We've been here so long

# France has actually finished
Protesting... #

LAUGHTER

# We've been here so long

# I've written the sequel to Les Mis

# It's just as long and brutal
And it's about

# Well, this

# I dreamed I didn't need a wee... #

LAUGHTER

# That Tena Lady came in handy

# Easter
And all the days all around it

# All around
It's a resounding success

# No mistakes were made
And we don't regret our choices

# It's not because of what you think
We'll have no dissenting voices

# Blinkers on, fingers in ears
Eat an egg off Trevor

# Happy Easter to us. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

One thing that's new as I've got
older is that I now get anxiety.

Erm, I get anxiety.

I'm learning to deal with it.
I deal with it quite well now,

sometimes in big overarching,
life-changing ways.

And some of the ways I deal with it
are small, everyday ways.

And the small, everyday ways
include a lot of apps.

I've got a lot of apps.

I know - mental health.
There's an app for that.

But there is. I've got them all.

I keep them in a special folder
on my phone

labelled "Millennial Stereotypes".

I've got them all.
I've got one called Headspace.

Er, has anyone got Headspace?
ISOLATED CHEERS

Lovely. I've got one called,
er, Breethe,

which is just guided breathing
exercises. Anyone got Breethe?

Yeah? Someone's got Breethe.

They spell it with three Es,
don't they?

Which pisses me off.

INHALES SHARPLY

LAUGHTER

I've got one called Calm.
Calm is lovely. Anyone got calm?

Yeah, Calm's popular.

But Calm is quite high-end.
It's got, like, soundscapes.

It's got meditations,
it's got guided breathing.

It's got something
called sleep stories.

Sleep stories.
The idea is that there are stories

that are so boring...
LAUGHTER

..and read in such a tedious way

that it helps you
to go off to sleep.

Now, I think it's a good idea,

but Calm, recently,

have started employing
people like...

Cillian Murphy,

Tom Hardy, Chris Hemsworth

to read those stories.

And I think the goal has changed.

LAUGHTER

They know exactly
what they're doing, don't they?

They're not sleep stories.

They're bedtime stories
for anxious straight women.

They know exactly
what they're doing.

There's Calm,
there's one called Mantras.

Mantras is... No, it's simple.

It sends you a few simple words
to live your day by

in a lovely calming font,
maybe a sloping Helvetica,

on a beach or forest background.

And if you don't change
the default settings,

it sends you a mantra

13 times a day.

On an alert.

And it won't leave you alone
until you let them know...

CHUCKLES
..that you've read the mantra.

It's the most stressed
I've ever been.

But it says nice things.
It says things like, erm,

"You are enough."

Lovely. Or...

"Live, laugh, love."

Lovely. No, I like that one.

It's annoying
when you forget to live.

LAUGHTER

Or... It doesn't always
get it right.

The other day, it sent this one.

You'll recognise this one,
it's quite a famous one. It said,

"Do something every day
that scares you."

What?!

Do something every day
that scares you?

That's...

I've got anxiety.
The threshold is low.

Who is that advice for?
Just dig down into that. Do some...?

Behave in a way
that disturbs and upsets you,

and do so constantly.

Who is that advice for?

I'm feeling a bit anxious.

I think I'll go out and punch
a pitbull square in the face.

I've lost an arm,
but I do feel better.

I don't know who's living
by that advice.

The only people I can think of
living by something like that advice

are the current crop of politicians,

or recent other ones.

I mean, Rishi Sunak is living by,

"Do something every day

"that scares young people."

And Suella Braverman, arguably,
the last few years, is living by...

"Do something every day

"that would scare
even Enoch Powell."

LAUGHTER

And I sort of wish
that Keir Starmer was living by...

.."Do something."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I am...
I am quite an anxious person.

All sorts of things make me anxious.

I'm gonna sing a song now
about one of my anxieties.

This song is called
I Don't Know How To Greet You.

PLAYS PIANO SOFTLY

# You've gone for a handshake

# But I've leaned in for a hug... #

LAUGHTER

# And now my hand is trapped
Between our torsos

# You've gone for a kiss
On the cheek

# And that's been OK

# But I've gone for a second kiss

# But you only planned
To do one kiss

# So you withdraw your face
As I lean in

# And now I'm kissing you

# On the chin

# I never wanna see you again

# I never want to see anyone again

# I'm biting my hand off
I'm moving to Prague

# I'm living off-grid
Until this world burns

# I am changing my name
I'm wiping my memory

# I'm living a life of prayer

# On the Isle of Mull

# Or Sark

# It's seven years later

# I'm out of the bunker

# And I see you on a street near me

# My heart is thumping
Can't you see?

# We walk towards each other

# We run towards each other

# How can you get over such a thing?

# I reach up

# And fist-bump you

# On the chin. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm just gonna have a lot of water
cos I've got two songs left,

and I'm worried I'm not gonna
get through them vocally.

So do just tell your own jokes
to each other now.

Any good ones?
LAUGHTER

Mm.

OK.
CLEARS THROAT

It's nearly the end of the show.

AUDIENCE: Ah.

Don't, I'll carry on.

LAUGHTER
A lot of songs.

It's nearly the end of the show,
and...

the phrase that comes back to me

is "life begins at 40".

But for me,

all of the big, emotional,
impactful events

that I think are likely to happen
in my life happened

before I'm turning 40.

They happened in the last few years.

You know, break-ups, breakdowns,

trying for a family, pregnancy,

illness and loss,

and now...

Nigel Farage running for Clacton.

LAUGHTER

It's all there, and I'm not 40 yet.

So, I'm gonna sing a song.

This is in C major.

LAUGHTER

Don't join in.
LAUGHTER

# They say that life begins

# And thank you for that gift

# But what of all
I have done before?

# I'm pretty sure I've lived

# I am not stale, I am not new

# I am no blushing ingenue

# I do not need a clean, fresh start

# Can't be returned cos I am marked

# What of all my wisdom
And my nonsense?

# All the words I could pass on

# Once I am of a certain age

# I am not new, I'm a sage

# And I find I have

# Some shit to say

# Cos my life did not begin today

# Don't smoke, do vote
Not too much dope

# Do love your bum
Don't dress your age

# Do mostly things
That give you hope

# But still some things
That make you rage

# I know my worth, I know myself

# I really know my mortgage rate

# I know how to put up a shelf

# But I can't remember
Your last name

# I have some scars like most I know

# They say these things
Will make you strong

# Well, I feel more deeply
Than before

# But as for strength
I think they're wrong

# I did not get
My strength from strife

# I've been a lion all my life

# What really is there left to say

# Before we all sashay away?

# I'm glad I did not know the way

# My life did not begin today

# But what a ride

# Oh, what a gift

# To say for sure

# That I have lived

# To say for sure

# That I have lived. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now...

..I'm not gonna leave you
on an acapella folk song.

That would be weird.
LAUGHTER

That would be so weird. Erm...

Bear with.

I feel like,
in all of the big questions

that I've been asking,
I'm looking for a role model

of womanhood, er,
of this age, you know?

And I don't know
where to look for it,

but actually,
it's been there all along,

in all of the representations
that we see in media,

in TV and film.

The ultimate woman -

the Bond girl.

LAUGHTER
It's perfect. It's perfect.

Because there is progress there,
actually.

You know, it's much-maligned
as a stereotype,

but you look at Bond girls
of the '60s and Bond girls now...

I mean, Pussy Galore.

Pussy? Galore! Wow!

What a positive,
great offering that is.

Pussy Galore.
And really, Bond girls, you know...

Things are improving cos they don't
even call them Bond girls any more.

They call them lady spies,

or SILFs.

LAUGHTER

And, you know,
Bond girls in the '60s,

they used to be, like, chirpy,
and confident,

and sassy, and horny.

And now, Bond girls are pale
and miserable and damp.

So that's better, isn't it?

I think that's better.
I think that's better.

So, by great coincidence,
I've recently been asked

to write the Bond theme song

for the forthcoming film.

I know - what a privilege.

They've given me
a huge amount of leeway...

LAUGHTER

..on it.

And, erm, one thing I said is,

"Well, look,
I'm gonna centre the woman.

"I'm gonna send to the woman."

I'm looking at the Bond films
and other representations,

and I'm gonna write a song

about that perfect model
of womanhood

that we see in the Bond films
and across TV and film.

Just to say as well,

just before I sing it,
I wanted to do my job properly.

I paid attention
to what the title should be.

Cos there's a lot of themes
in the Bond franchise

of death and die and live -

Living Daylights, Die Another Day.

There's time, forever, twice, never,

erm, diamonds, gold, jewels,
isn't there?

There's a lot of that.
And guns, you know.

I like the ones that are a joke.

Like, instead of you only live once,
they did You Only Live... Twice.

Agh, brilliant!

I love that.
I tried to emulate that.

I nearly called it,
instead of Once Upon A Blue Moon,

I called it, like,
Twice Upon A Blue Moon,

or, erm...

Once Bitten, Twice Twice.

LAUGHTER
They didn't make the cut.

I tried, um,
The Gun With The Golden Yesterday.

Or, erm,
Forever Is A Long Time To Diamond.

Don't Count Your Chickens
Until Their Death.

Er, I played around with things.

But I hope you like
what I've gone for.

As I sing this song,

I would like you to imagine
the classic Bond graphics.

So, you know, legs turning into guns

and, erm, boobs

turning into... guns.

LAUGHTER

Guns turning into, er...

LAUGHTER

..Judi Dench.

LAUGHTER

OK. Hang on.

I'm just gonna have
a bit more water.

I hope that will increase
the tension.

LAUGHTER

Thanks, and, um...

SINISTER PIANO MUSIC

# She sits in the dark

# One look from her
Can light a spark

# She's strong

# But she's thin... #

LAUGHTER

# She's stunning
She's damaged

# Her hair is easy to manage

# And she has a twin

# She's been crying

# But neatly

# Not wailing, just discreetly

# She's sad

# But you don't feel awkward

# And her feelings
Are complex

# But she does want
To have full sex

# She's not a virgin

# Hm, but sort of... #

LAUGHTER

# She walks through the night

# She can hold a pint

# One look

# And that look can linger

# The girl with the diamond

# Finger... #
LAUGHTER

# She's elusive

# But local

# Her opinions are strong
But not vocal

# She's tired

# But she doesn't look it

# She's rich, she's tragic

# Her boobs are held up
By magic... #

LAUGHTER

# She's smart

# But she doesn't know it... #

Perfect.

# She's beautiful

# Without make-up

# But she's

# Wearing make-up

# Just really

# Really expensive make-up

# The sort that looks
Like you're not

# Wearing make-up

# That makes people like you

# Say you prefer women
Without make-up... #

EXHALES SHARPLY,
LAUGHTER

WHOOPING

APPLAUSE

# She's a dream

# She's a nightmare

# On a bad day, she can be a biter

# She's helpless

# But she carries a knife

# She's open, she's hidden

# She's a murderer
That one's a given

# She's got a Lotus

# But prefers if you drive... #

LAUGHTER

# She walks through the dark

# But she can't reverse park

# She loves any gift

# You bring her

# The girl with the diamond

# Finger

# Her finger's gone

# Dead

# One jewelled digit

# Zirconian thumb

# Diamonds are

# A girl's best

# Twice... #

LAUGHTER

SHE VOCALISES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much!

You've been an amazing audience.
Thank you so much for coming.

Thanks, guys.

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Have a wonderful evening.

I hope to see you very soon.
Goodbye!

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com

KAZOO BLARES,
LAUGHTER