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Ladies and gentlemen, and people of the Leicester Square Theatre,

please welcome to the stage me, Rachel Parris!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

PLAYS PIANO SOFTLY

# What is the point? Why are we all here?

# What does our life mean? What is it worth?

# Where are my car keys? Is custard liquid?

# How do we unlock the secret To life on this Earth...? #

These are not rhetorical, by the way.

# How did we get here? Why did we get here?

# Who did we get here And which how we be?

# How is your nephew? How are we doing?

# Leave a review, please Your feedback is key

# What are we doing? What are you doing?

# Are you called David? Where are you parked?

# Are you a Virgo? What are you wearing?

# Have you considered A new life on the island of Sark?

# Where are we going? Where are we headed?

# Are we nearly there yet? And are we insured?

# What destination? Is it near a station?

# Are you convinced That we'll all fit

# In your little Ford...? #

I'm not sure we will, David.

# Is there a God Or a Garden of Eden?

# Are they in Sweden? And how do we check?

# Who is the maker? Who's the creator?

# Yes, it seems likely it's Ant But is it also Dec?

# Where is our money? What is it kept in?

# Trapped in a spreadsheet Or up in the sky?

# What's in Barocca? What's in kombucha?

# Have you considered a new life On the island of Skye?

# How do we Marmite? Where do the bees go?

# How is that horse you bought When you were drunk?

# Who is controlling What we see when we're scrolling?

# Have you received this Or is it in junk?

# What does our life mean?

# What even is money?

# What are your bank details? Please write them down

# So much unknown

# Like your security code

# All of our lives are so fleeting The world is repeating

# And all that we thought Is in a tiny proportion

# A smidge in a trace Of an infinite space

# And we live on the cusp of it Humans adjustably

# Try to adjust a bit This is the thrust of it

# We should be needing less Fortune is meaningless

# Thank you for reading this

# Please transfer £3,000. #

This is not a scam.

Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, Leicester Square.

So nice to be here with you. Thank you for coming, London.

London, thank God.

I've been on tour. Obviously, I live in London.

Why wouldn't you?

You can't say that, I know.

You can't say anything any more, can you? Erm...

No, you really can't. It's important...

Obviously, there's many places of value

all over the United Kingdom.

WHISPERS: There's not.

It's lovely to be back here. CHUCKLES

I've been so scared.

So, this show is called Poise,

and it comes in a year in which I am turning 40,

and... CHEERING

Don't patronise me.

And of course, we're having a general election.

And those things mean a lot of big questions.

Hence asking all the big questions. You know, why are we here?

Is custard liquid? And the show...

The reason that I find myself asking so many questions,

particularly as I approach 40, is that...

I'll give you some context.

A few years ago, I did a show here on this stage.

Erm, it was a, er... CHUCKLES

..award-winning show...

..in which I, as...

The thrust of the show, I did a chalk drawing

of a house, and a little stickman husband,

and little stickmen children, and a car in the drive,

and a pathway, and a chimney with smoke coming out of it,

and a little stick dog -

the dog was horrifying.

And at the end of that award-winning show,

I painted a big chalk cross through it

in an act of feminist defiance.

And I sang a song about not needing

any of the traditional things that would be expected

of a normal life like that.

And now, five years on,

I have all those things, and I've run out of jokes.

I never saw that coming. Never saw that coming.

I find myself in roles

that I genuinely never expected to be in.

The role of wife, the role of mother,

the role of stepmother.

I never thought that I would be those things.

I never thought I would be

a homeowner.

A homeowner. I realise, by the way, the privilege of saying that.

I am aware. Like, I'm a millennial.

So I, in my entire friendship group,

I've only ever known one person

who owned their own home,

and I married him.

LAUGHTER

Obviously, cos I'm no fool.

So, I'm a homeowner.

I never thought I'd be, you know, a pension... pusher,

a mortgage regretter, a farmer's market attendee.

I have things like a skincare routine now.

Er, I have things like an air fryer.

I have an air fryer, and I know how to use it.

Things like my local butcher knows who I am, right?

Well, actually, let me be specific -

my local butcher doesn't know who I am,

but he really, really knows that he doesn't know who I am,

and that's actually almost the same thing.

Our local butcher, it's actually two Scouse brothers who run it,

and my husband - who's here tonight... Hello.

MAN SHOUTING Hi.

He's a comedian as well. He's called Marcus.

And the local butcher knows him

and is pleased to know him, and gives him a 10% discount.

And not me.

We're in the same household.

And every time we go to the butcher's,

the butcher goes, "All right, Marcus, how's it going?

"And who's this with you?"

And my husband goes, "This, again, is still my wife.

"Six years on, it's still my wife." And he goes, "All right.

"And you are a comedian too, ain't you? You're a comedian too.

"What you been in?"

And I go, erm, "Oh, don't worry about it."

And he goes, "No, cos I ain't seen you in nothing.

"I ain't seen you in nothing. What you been in?"

I go, "Oh, God, erm... Mock The Week."

And he goes, "No."

As if I'm lying.

"No, I ain't seen you in that."

And I go, "Oh, erm, I was on a show called The Mash Report."

And he goes, "No," as if I've just made it up.

And then he goes, "Are you Stacey Solomon?"

LAUGHTER

"Sort Your Life Out - are you Stacey Solomon?"

And I go, "No, no, sorry, I'm not Stacey Solomon."

And he goes, "Ah, shame."

And I go, "Sorry, just to say as well,

"Stacey Solomon, she's not a comedian."

And he goes, "No, I think she is."

And I go, "No, she... she's not."

And he goes, "Oh, she is, she is.

"I've seen her on all the comedy panels.

"There's always, like, three male comedians,

"and then there's Stacey Solomon."

"Yeah, that is true. That is true." I haven't got time.

I haven't got time to explain the misogynistic TV industry

to the local butcher.

Anyway, then he goes, "Never mind, what can I get you?"

And I go, "Four vegan sausages."

And then he spits on the floor and kicks me out of the shop.

That's what my life is now. That's what my life is now.

And I feel like...

Part of the reason why I reject these, what I see as,

quite traditional roles is that for so much of my adult life,

I was like the fun, partying single girl.

In my friendship group,

loads of my friends settled down very early,

and they would come to me for my stories

of, like, dating and drinking and partying

and, you know, doing, erm, some of the drugs.

Erm, I think you can tell that I didn't do many of them

by what I just said -

"Doing some of the drugs."

But I would regale them with these stories,

and they'd live vicariously through my free, single, mad life.

I'd go to their house, and they'd be like, "Sit down, Rachel.

"Tell me, tell me all about it. Tell me...

"are you taking care of yourself?"

And I'd be like, "I'm taking care of business!

"Yes, I'm taking care of...

"Whoo! Double-shots Fridays, LOL, men be crazy."

And they'd be like,

"It just doesn't sound like you value yourself very highly.

"This is an intervention."

And then I'd cry,

and they'd cry, and we'd hug.

And that was the crazy single life I had.

And I do miss it. It was a simpler time.

The equivalent of that now is

that I will arrange to go out for a drink

with my equally partnered-up friend,

and we will take it in turns to list things

about our partner that baffles us,

while the other one goes, "Same. Same.

"Exactly the same. Same for us. Same for me.

"Same for us. Same for me. No, the same.

"No, sorry to interrupt, but carry on, but it's the same.

"Exactly the same. It's unbelievable how the same it is.

"Same for me. Same for me." Then we'll finish our tap water...

..and we'll get home at a timely hour

in time to watch a glass-blowing programme on Netflix.

I think most of you know the one I mean.

So, yeah, it's interesting.

It's... It's a... It's a big change.

It's not something that I expected.

I am at a point,

and I'm aware my husband's in tonight,

that I've reached a point in my relationship...

If I lean in, he probably won't hear.

Sometimes,

when I'm going out, like to work or to meet a friend,

I'm getting ready, and I've got just this thought

at the back of my head, right, that maybe...

I'm getting ready, and I'm hoping that tonight,

someone who isn't my husband might notice me

and be like, "Oh, who's that?"

And be like, "Who's that mysterious lady?"

Is that OK? MURMURING

WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Yeah! Thank you.

God, that took a long... Jesus Christ!

Judgemental pricks.

"No, your marriage is over." I'm not gonna do anything.

It's just a thought at the back of my head.

And I think, you know... I'm not going out of my way

to create a sense of mystery or anything.

Just, you know, a pair of Converse,

you know, an interesting blouse

and a copy of Jurgen Klopp's biography,

just poking out of my bag there.

I like to look sport-curious.

Which is a lie cos I'm not. I'm sports-sceptic, if anything.

And I think what makes me feel more guilty about that

is that I'm aware that my husband is someone

who is not doing that.

If he was trying to create a sense of mystery

and look special for someone who wasn't me,

he would ask me to style his hair.

And if he left the house looking mysterious,

it would be because deep down,

he knows that he's forgotten his keys.

So I do... It's interesting, I find even...

Even my politics is softening.

Don't worry, I know.

I know most of you are here to hear me slag off the Tories,

and of course I'll do that - I'm not crazy.

LAUGHTER

Course I will.

Also, just to address, there's always,

in any crowd of mine, there's always a few people

who don't have the same politics as me.

There's always a few Conservative voters in the room,

and if that is you,

what a bold move to come.

Well done, you. Well done, you.

Not on what you vote, but well done, you,

on coming tonight.

I think it's brave.

I hardly ever willingly go to events

where I'm just repeatedly told that I'm wrong.

I mean, I've been to my kids' parents' evenings, but I...

Still, good for you. Good for you for coming.

And I hope you change your mind.

So, politics. So, erm, just to give you an idea,

could you, at this point, give me a cheer

if you know the programme The Mash Report?

CHEERING Lovely.

Give me a cheer if you don't know the programme The Mash Report.

ISOLATED WHOOPS Lovely, good. Good.

About seven of you, lovely.

So, for the seven of you who don't know,

The Mash Report was a programme on the BBC,

it started in 2017,

and it was a satirical comedy show hosted by Nish Kumar.

And I was like a sidekick to him.

And it went on for a few years.

It switched to Dave, it became Late Night Mash.

Essentially, I conducted a six-year bullying campaign

against Nish Kumar

until he finally - phew! - quit.

Oh, it took ages.

And then I was able to take over as host,

as I'd always planned.

And then, about two years ago,

I was able to achieve my ultimate aim

of finally running that show into the ground.

LAUGHTER

It's now been cancelled.

Cancelled twice, actually.

Cancelled first by the BBC, and then cancelled by Dave.

And that one really hurt.

LAUGHTER

Dave.

Under exactly the same circumstances.

Both times, they said that it was because of a lack of funding,

but I think, those of us on the show, it was very apparent.

It was actually cos we weren't being impartial enough.

They didn't like that we weren't impartial on the show.

And I look back and I think that's really fair, actually.

That's a totally fair critique

because we gave a disproportionate amount of airtime

to views that made some sense.

LAUGHTER

You know? So...

Anyway, the reason I bring up The Mash Report is that

because of doing The Mash Report for so many years,

I've had this weird, incredibly intense eight weeks

in every year for the last six years

where I'm, like, really absorbed in party politics,

in the Westminster news cycle, reading it, understanding it,

regurgitating it, making jokes about it,

presenting it, promoting it.

So now when I come and do live shows,

I don't do loads and loads of politics

because I like to get my politics over and done in eight weeks

and then draw a line under it.

Like Liz Truss.

CHEERING

APPLAUSE Thank you.

COUGHS

Thank you. Worth it.

Worth it. Worth her whole premiership for that joke,

I think we can all agree.

Liz Truss.

I didn't expect, obviously,

to still be talking about Liz Truss now,

but we do have to keep talking about Liz Truss,

for several reasons.

One of the reasons, obviously, you know,

is that we're still literally paying for the mistakes

that she made in all of our bills, all of our mortgage rates, you know.

That is... That is still happening.

So the impact she had is still ongoing.

The second reason we have to keep talking about Liz Truss

is that she hasn't gone away.

We thought she'd gone. She went off across the sea.

We thought she was gonna be like Galadriel

and diminish into the west.

But she wasn't.

She was like the bad Galadriel where she goes crazy.

She, erm... She's come back

with ever-increasingly alarming necklines.

She's been told by Steve Bannon that she didn't go far enough.

She's retracted any hint of apology about what she did.

And I think it's quite apparent that while, yes,

she is running for MP,

I think her future is joining up, in every possible way,

with Lee Anderson... LAUGHS

..and running some sort of nightmare party

that an awful amount of the country will vote for.

The next reason that I do have to keep talking about Liz Truss

is that I'm aware that all of you are sitting there

with one question in your head, which is,

"Rachel, are you going to sing Candle In The Wind,

"but it's about Liz Truss?"

I know that's what you're thinking.

And the answer is yes.

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

Er, just before I sing this, can I just check,

do we all remember when Liz Truss was in power

that the Daily Star, my favourite newspaper,

ran a picture of an iceberg lettuce every day?

God, that was great.

PLAYS INTRO FROM 'CANDLE IN THE WIND'

I know, I'm really doing it.

"How did she get the rights?"

I didn't. LAUGHTER

Don't tell him.

# Goodbye, Lettuce Liz

# No-one never knew you at all

# You had the nerve to back yourself

# As you watched the country fall

# You thought your Budget would work

# You tried to call it "Trickle down"

# But then the market Shat themselves

# And you swiftly tanked the pound

# And it seems to me You served your time

# Like a candle in the wind

# Never knowing who to blame

# For all the shit you were in

# I'm a fighter not a quitter

# You said that, then you quit... #

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

# Your candle in this metaphor

# Is a burnt-out pork market

# Kwarteng got it rough

# And took the blame Oh, he got played

# You were in bed with Tufton Street

# And made sure oil pipes got laid

# You even met the Queen

# Then she immediately died... #

LAUGHTER

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Don't clap.

# And when the new King met you

# He said, "Oh, dear, Oh, dear,"

# And sighed... # Don't you remember?

# And you seem to me To be someone who

# Would light a candle in the wind

# Never knowing windy weather Might blow a candle out

# You'd have a policy of candles

# To try to keep us warm... #

You'd say something like,

"We are a country of candles,

"and we will withstand the storm."

# You'll be talked about for years But mainly in satire

# Your candle burned out long ago

# But your legend's a bin-fire. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

But of course, at least for a few more weeks,

we have Rishi Sunak.

Rishi Sunak.

Little Rishi Sunak.

Rishi Sunak, little Rishi Sunak.

# Rishi, Rishi Sunak, we love you

# Oh, you, Rishi, Rishi Sunak Rishi, Rishi Sunak, we love you. #

You'll never stop thinking about that now.

LAUGHTER

You're welcome. You are welcome.

Rishi Sunak. Rishi Sunak.

Now, here's what I mean about my politics softening.

I've learnt, from being cancelled by the BBC and Dave,

that I have to be more impartial, so here we go.

I have mixed feelings about Rishi Sunak.

On the one hand, I think that he has been cowardly...

OK? Hm.

..in dealing with, you know,

people like Boris Johnson and Nadine Dorries,

erm, people who were disrupting the party,

and he just didn't deal with them at all, gave them what they wanted,

and in dealing with important votes about equal marriage

and about abortion before he was Chancellor.

Cowardly, cowardly, cowardly.

Erm... and also, I think that he... LAUGHTER

I think, arguably, he's, like, far too personally wealthy

to be governing a country in a time of recession.

Erm...

No, sorry. And also...

Wait, I'll get there. So, er...

also, I do think it is a bad look for a prime minister

to try and change the law

to fit a policy that you want to go through -

so, take the Rwandan scheme, just off the top of my head,

something that has been deemed illegal.

To try and change the law to fit your purposes,

I think that's not, hmm, is not OK.

But on, er... No, sorry, one more.

And I... I do also think that he has no moral code.

No moral code. So, erm...

I think I should just precis this hand, actually.

So, on the one hand, we've got,

sure, I think that he's a morally vacuous, power-hungry,

overly wealthy, cowardly criminal.

But on the other hand...

I think he's got kind eyes.

LAUGHTER

I do. I really do as well. I really...

Kind eyes. Lovely eyes. Gorgeous eyes.

Picture his eyes now. Think of those lovely big eyes.

They're gorgeous.

I could look into those eyes all day.

I could fall into those eyes.

"Argh!" CHUCKLES

"I've fallen in!

"Help!" CHUCKLES

"I've fallen in."

But he wouldn't help you.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE So...

Rishi Sunak, little Rishi Sunak.

Little Rishi Sunak.

I think we can all agree that one of the biggest deceptions

that Rishi Sunak has pulled off since his time in power

is that he ran on a platform

of appearing to be in the region of six foot tall.

And I feel like it's only in recent months

that it's really coming to light the extent to which

he's five foot six, and that's to a great extent.

I'm aware there are bigger things to worry about

in the country right now,

but I am curious as to how he did it.

Was it clever camera angles? Is he wearing secret high heels?

Of course, he's not wearing secret high heels.

He wears trousers that are tight and short.

He's essentially wearing pinstripe Capri pants.

He's not wearing high heels under there.

And I'm sorry for suggesting that he was wearing high heels

because that might put in your head the concept of Tory drag.

What an awful thought.

Just have a think about what that would look like.

Hard to imagine. No, it's not hard to imagine.

Red, white and blue sequins, buck me boots, and a Windsor knot.

And it's Michael Gove.

Course it's Michael Gove, he's got nothing else to do now.

It's Michael Gove, coked up to his eyeballs.

Tory drag, and that would be the drag name.

Or maybe "Yuni and Jacqueline".

I don't know.

He's... CHUCKLES

He's got an ethics advisor...

..if that reassures you, Rishi Sunak.

Famously, Boris Johnson fired his ethics advisor.

Rishi Sunak has an ethics advisor,

so we can all sleep easy in our beds.

His ethics advisor is a former hedge fund manager

who worked with Sir Philip Green and Robert Maxwell.

Perfect. Perfect.

Hard to know, isn't it, whether you want someone

who will appoint an ethics advisor,

or who doesn't need an ethics advisor.

I don't know... I don't know. I...

I have never had an ethics advisor,

and yet I've sent hardly anyone to Rwanda.

So...

again, mixed.

A mixed bag.

National service... LAUGHS

Fucking hell.

INHALES

National service is the idea now that he's thrown out

to try and get, I assume,

the grey vote, is what I'm calling it,

but I don't think it's gonna work.

Why I don't think it's gonna work - and hear me out on this.

I don't think you'd like this, but I think national service,

if you take the military aspect of it away,

is quite a left-wing idea, isn't it?

Like being made to work

for the greater good, to contribute to the country.

Like, instead of just volunteering to do it.

I think that's quite communist.

But, you know, I'm not saying we should vote for him.

I'm just saying I think that

while Starmer is sort of getting more central,

I do feel like Sunak is throwing out absolutely random ideas

that are accidentally left-wing.

But I'm not completely against national service. I'll tell you why.

Because, again, I think if you take the military training out of it,

cos they said you can just volunteer for one weekend out of the month.

I'm gonna say three phrases to you -

national service, young people,

childcare crisis.

Can you see where I'm going?

I, personally, and I know I'm not alone

cos I've read all the articles in The Guardian...

LAUGHTER ..I need baby-sitters,

I need cheaper nurseries, I need childminders.

Who is gonna do that?

It's the young, for free, with no choice.

And now I'm saying that, the idea of the young

looking after, for example, my child or the children I know,

maybe they would need to have military training.

So let's say national service is military training,

and actually, I'm on board with that,

and then after that, it's volunteering to look after my...

I'm gonna vote for Rishi Sunak. LAUGHTER

Gonna vote for Rishi Sunak.

That's what I'm ultimately coming back to. So...

So, in terms of my politics, actually, I genuinely find,

as I have been approaching the age of 40,

I've found that I am less sure than I used to be

about a lot of political issues about all sorts of things.

I thought, as I got older, I would get more sure, more certain.

I would know the world more, I'd know myself more.

But actually, there's lots of things I'm unsure about,

but I try and combat that by trying to come across

as quite a wise woman.

I'm really enjoying this new phase for me.

And I've started making up idioms

and phrases just spontaneously,

and trying to pass them off as if they exist.

I inflict quite a lot of these on my step-kids.

My step-kids are 19 and 21, which is a great age for this

cos they're old enough to need life advice,

but not quite old enough to know when I'm spouting absolute bullshit.

So it's perfect.

So, like, to give you an idea of what I do -

so, my stepson was talking about a flatmate of his

who's very dirty and messy in his room,

leaves, like, dirty cups and plates.

And he's worried about mice, you know, in their flat.

But he said, "At least he keeps the mess to his room.

"It's not all over the flat." And I said, "Well...

"you know what they say about mice."

And he looked a bit worried.

I said, "You know what they say about mice."

And he said, "No." And I said...

.."They come for the room, but they stay for the house."

LAUGHTER

He said, "Do they say that about mice?"

I said, "Yeah. They come for the room, but they stay for the house."

SNIFFS, SIGHS

My stepdaughter was talking about someone that she likes,

and who likes her,

but we were talking about how to get that person to, like,

make the first move.

And I said, "Well, the thing to remember is...

"..if they need a push at the start, they need a push forever."

"If they need a push at the start, they need a push forever."

She said, "What?"

I said, "If they need to push at the start, they need a push forever."

I said, "It must be true -

"I've got it printed on a tea towel over there."

I don't know who... Who am I? Who am I now?

But I'm enjoying this phase for myself.

And I think that this persona gives the impression

of me being quite sorted, quite a sorted person,

someone whose life is filled with purpose and poise,

someone who knows where their towel is.

And that couldn't be less true. That couldn't be less true.

And I'm gonna give you a story now which illustrates

how sorted my life is.

Just before I tell you this story... CHUCKLES

..I'm gonna say, please don't leave...

LAUGHTER ..as I tell this.

Previous audiences, some of them, have left.

And I'm gonna say it's fine to be appalled. Do be appalled.

But don't leave.

Just stay. If you leave, I'll consider it an act of misogyny.

OK.

CLEARS THROAT So, picture the scene.

Last year, I was visiting my sister-in-law for the first time.

She lives in Canada, in Toronto.

I was visiting her, her partner,

her three teenage daughters and their new dog.

And I went on this trip with my husband,

my two, at the time, teenage step-kids and our baby, OK?

Quite a full house.

And it's an open-plan house. That will become relevant later.

Now, on the second day,

I went into our bedroom,

and I saw the new dog behaving strangely.

And I knelt down, and what it was doing

was, it was ravenously chewing on...

What's that? I looked. What's that?

My used tampon.

GROANING Don't leave!

Don't leave. I know! You can be... I was appalled.

This doesn't happen to me every day.

This has never happened to me before. I was like,

"Oh, my God, that's disgusting...

"Agh! Er, I don't know what to..." And I've never had a dog.

I've not acquainted with dogs, really.

I don't know what to do with dogs.

So I just stood in front of it going,

"Stop.

"Stop it. Stop."

And my husband heard me shouting stop at a dog,

and he came into the room and said,

"Why are you shouting stop at a dog?"

And I said, "The dog... Look! The dog!

"The dog's eating... eating a..."

And he went, "Oh, my God, that's disgusting."

And he got involved, he got down and started trying

to, like, get the jaw open and get it out.

This panicked the dog.

The dog ran through my legs, through my husband's legs,

down the landing, down the stairs,

into the open-plan house

in which sat my new sister-in-law,

her partner, three nieces,

two step-kids and a baby.

They wanted to know what was going on,

why me and my husband were chasing a dog, shouting "stop".

And I said, "It's got something in its mouth."

And they said, "What has it got in its mouth?"

And I didn't want to say, so then

they all started guessing.

It was the least fun family guessing game

I have ever played.

They were like, "Is it a mouse?" And I was like, "No."

And they were like, "Is it a rat?" And I was like, "I wish."

And then they thought they'd got it.

They were like, "Oh, no. Oh, God.

"Is it... Is it one of the baby's used nappies?"

And I was like, "It's worse!"

"It's worse!" INHALES SHARPLY

In the end,

as a family...

It was quite lovely, really.

We managed to get hold of the dog

and extract what was left of the tampon...

GROANING I'm sorry.

..and put it in the bin.

Or, as I should say, put it BACK in the bin.

It did come from a bin. I'm not a monster.

It did come from a bin.

It's just a really fucking tenacious dog.

We put it back in the bin. Everyone was fine.

And if I'd known then what I know now,

I might have said...

.."You know what they say.

"You know what they say.

"The family that extracts a used tampon from its dog's mouth together

"stays together."

That's not what I said.

Erm, I said...

.."I suppose it's an extra bit of protein."

She didn't like it, either.

She didn't like it... Canadians.

They're too clean. They're too clean.

So I'm coming now towards the end of the first half,

and we're gonna have a singalong. Are you on board?

AUDIENCE: Yes! I could tell that you would be.

Er, I'm gonna lead this. I'm gonna split the room.

I can't see, where's half? About here, about here.

Er, and I'm gonna come to...

What's your name, sir?

Chris! This whole side of the room, you're Team Chris. Give me a cheer.

CHEERING Lovely.

OK, I'm gonna come to...

This... WOMAN: Zoria.

Zoria? This is Team Zoria. Give me a cheer.

CHEERING Don't worry, Zoria.

I can see you're worried. You don't have to do anything.

Apart from, like, inwardly,

you have to really, like, feel like you're representing.

Do you feel like that? Thank you.

You sure? Great.

OK, so, er, this is gonna be in C minor.

I know that some of you like to know. OK.

PLAYS CHORD Now, usually, when comedians, say,

try and lead a singalong, they write something

that's quite accessible and simple,

so that people can just relax and enjoy it.

I haven't done that.

This is a two-part counterpoint.

Er, there's interweaving melodies, there's harmonies,

and you are singing against my melody.

OK, so please do concentrate, do use your diaphragms,

and don't bleed onto the other people's melody.

Lovely! We're going to have fun.

Erm, I did, if you're wondering,

used to be a music teacher in schools.

Yes, I did.

But not one of the ones that the kids love.

LAUGHTER

You know that genre of teacher, they're like,

"Oh, my God, music, cos music's so fun.

"I love Miss Parris." That wasn't me.

I did produce some fantastic productions, but...

what I would say is... So, they let me go...

..because they said that children

shouldn't have to audition for the Nativity,

which I wholeheartedly disagree with.

You know, I don't want a below-par Away In A Manger.

And they said in their parting letter

that I have a duty of care to the children.

Which I think is true.

But what I said in my parting letter was

I have a greater duty of care to music itself.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, so, um... So, Team Chris, you're starting on G.

PLAYS NOTE You're gonna go like this.

CLEARS THROAT After me.

# Da, da-da. #

Have a go.

# Da, da-da. # AUDIENCE JOINS IN

Then you're gonna go...

# Da, da-da. #

Have a go.

WITH AUDIENCE: # Da, da-da. #

Then you're gonna go up again. # Da, da-da. #

Have a go. # Da, da-da. #

It's those three phrases, and then you stop.

You've got to stop and let me sing.

If you don't stop, I don't get to sing,

so please don't hog the song, Chris.

LAUGHTER

Let's put those together. Ready?

One, two, three, let's go.

WITH AUDIENCE: # Da, da-da

# Da, da-da

# Da, da-da. #

Perfect. Give them a round of applause, Team Zoria.

APPLAUSE

Team Zoria, your bit's harder.

You're on E-flat.

You're gonna go like this. You sound like little goblins.

# Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da Da-da, da-da, da. #

Go.

WITH AUDIENCE: # Da-da, da-da, da-da Da-da, da-da, da-da, da. #

Then you go down to...

# Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da Da-da, da-da, da. #

Go.

WITH AUDIENCE: # Da-da, da-da, da-da Da-da, da-da, da-da, da. #

Then up again.

WITH AUDIENCE: # Da-da, da-da, da-da Da-da, da-da, da-da, da. #

You've got it. That was brilliant, straight away.

Very good. Hm, quick study.

It's not a competition,

But it could be, couldn't it?

CHANTS: Make it a competition! Make it a competition...

This was mentioned in my parting letter as well.

PLAYS NOTES Those are your notes.

OK, we're gonna try it together now.

# Da, that's your note That's your note. #

OK, let's do... Ooh, I feel like Gareth Malone.

# Da, da. #

One, two, three, go.

WITH AUDIENCE: # Da, da-da, da-da

# Da, da Da, da, da

# Da, da, da

# Da, da-da, da # Da, da. #

Yes! That sounded really good. Give yourselves a round of applause.

APPLAUSE

Suck it, Military Wives Choir.

So, this is a song, again,

about one of the big questions in life.

And I think that we can now agree

that it's a song in which all of you are complicit.

# There's a

# Question that's been festering Throughout the age of man

# It's a quandary They've pondered on

# Since time itself began

# And the chances are An answer are as slim as wafer ham

# Tonight I'm giving you A helping hand

# What do

# Women want? That's the question

# What do women want? I'm gonna tell you

# What do women want? Listen closely... #

All different things because women are all different.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# What can they need?

# This enigmatic breed

# How can we guess

# Their desires?

# What makes them tick?

# They're so esoteric

# Are they fairies? Are they angels?

# Are they liars?

# They're probably liars

# Where do they come from?

# What are they made from?

# Are they flammable? I don't know

# I have never touched one... #

LAUGHTER

# What do... #

Two, three, go.

# Da, da-da

AUDIENCE: # Da, da-da Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da

# What do women want

# Da, da-da Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da

# What do women want

# Da, da-da Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da

# All different things And those things keep on changing

# Is it children, is it cats? Is it heels, is it flats?

# Is it housing that's affordable Or the time to do French plaits?

# Is it the freedom to be anything Or anyone you choose?

# Is it cake? Is it cake?

# Is it beef?

# Is it love or respect Or the plays of Bertolt Brecht?

# Is it diamonds, is it gold Or to never feel the cold?

# Is it pockets in our dresses?

# Is it elderflower presses?

# Is it gloves? Is it gloves?

# Is it gloves?

# Sometimes it's gloves

# There's an

# Unknowable variable They just can't pin down

# Over half the population Are all thinking of it now

# If you ask it too directly You'll get into a row

# I'm offering to help a brother out

# What do... #

Two, three, go.

# Women want?

# Da, da-da Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da

# What do women want?

# Da, da-da Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da

# What do women want?

# Da, da-da Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da

# If you're struggling

# Give them gloves. #

And gold.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Er, I'm gonna talk now a little bit about parenthood.

That's something that, er...

I'm a parent. I'm a parent. CHUCKLES

I've got stepchildren, as I mentioned,

and I've got a little one of my own,

so I've got a spectrum of parenthood, if you like.

And for me, the surprises started quite early.

I remember when they began.

It was in that iconic scan that you see in sitcoms and films,

where you're there with your big pregnant belly in the hospital,

and they put lube on it.

And, erm... Are we calling it lube?

That is what it is, isn't it? Probably.

And you've got a sonographer there. And we had this lovely sonographer.

She really loved her job. She was very kind-hearted.

And she knew that we were both comedians,

and she didn't love that.

And she said,

"Would you like to know the sex of the baby?"

And we said, "Yes, please."

And she said,

"Well, then, you can look at the screen now."

"Oh.

"Is it...

"Is it a grey omelette?"

And she was like... CHUCKLES

"I'll zoom in for you."

And she zoomed in, and then she said,

"You can look at the screen now."

"It's worse.

"Oh.

"Oh, wait, is it...

"Is it Guernsey?

"Is it a topographical map of Guernsey?

"Is it a pile of linen? Is it..."

My husband chimed in.

"Is it the screen from the film Poltergeist

"with the hand coming out?"

She said, "Please stop joking."

She said, "I'll zoom in for you once more."

And she did.

And then she said...

.."There's no mistaking that."

"There's no mistaking that."

Now, let me tell you,

when a sonographer says of your unborn child,

"There's no mistaking that,"

you hope it's a boy.

LAUGHTER

Otherwise, what are we...?

Is she saying, "Oh, I can clearly see a little todger."

Or is she saying,

"Check out the hole on your daughter!

"In all my days, I have never...

"Christ."

Is she saying, "I can see a cheeky little winky?"

Or is she saying, "There's a vagina of note."

LAUGHTER

Anyway, my daughter was born.

LAUGHTER

No, he is a boy.

And it is massive.

LAUGHTER AUDIENCE MEMBER: Ooh!

You just "whooed", that's really strange.

I know, I brought it on myself.

Brought it on myself.

There's a special relationship, I think,

between mothers and sons, particularly at this age.

And I'm gonna sing a song

that's just purely sentimental, to be honest.

I hope you'll indulge me.

This used to be an audience singalong as well,

but so many audiences failed me...

LAUGHTER

..that I've stopped doing that.

PLAYS TUNE OF 'TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR'

I know what you're thinking.

How did she get the rights to that?

I didn't. LAUGHTER

# My star

# Love everything you are

# Every smile you ever smiled Is a photo in my heart

# My boy

# I hope you know it's true

# My song would sound all wrong

# Without the melody that's you

# And as you grow

# I love every brand-new you

# And one day, you'll find someone

# Who loves you as much as I do

# And you'll bring them home

# And I'll look them in the eye

# And say, "Back off!

# "Get away from him That angel boy is mine"

# I'll drive them away

# But I'll be nice to them In front of you

# But I'll bribe them To leave the country

# As soon as you're out of the room

# Now I think about it

# You can live with me forever

# You needn't get a job

# Or maybe we can work together

# You're my baby boy You'll always be my baby boy

# Don't grow up

# All my dreams are on you now

# I hope that's not too much

# Starlight

# It's you who makes it right

# I am yours, and you are mine

# I'll always hold you tight. #

Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Just a nice song.

We had his 20-month assessment recently.

That's an interesting one.

The 20-month assessment is the first time

that the Government officially judges you as a parent.

And I behaved in a way

that I would describe as "cooperative",

and which my husband later described as "maniacal".

LAUGHTER

So, we went into this quite bland corporate room.

There was a lady called Martha,

and there was a few toys on the floor.

And my son, Billy, started playing with a few of the toys.

He picked up a green truck, and, er, Martha said,

"And what colour is that?" And he said, "Green."

And she said, "Oh, good."

And then Billy said, "Where the blue truck?

"Where the blue truck gone?"

And she said, "Oh, he likes the colour blue, then."

And I said, "Yes, but he's not obsessed with it.

"He likes it a normal amount."

LAUGHTER

So...

And she wrote something down.

And then she said,

"Is Billy able to put three words together yet

"to form a sentence?"

And I said, "No.

"He's able to put five words together to form a sentence."

Ha!

And she wrote something down.

And then she said, "There's sort of niche skills and motor skills."

She said, erm...

.."If you name a body part,

"is he able to point at it on his body?

"Like, say, tummy?" And I said, "Yes, I think so."

Then she said to Billy, "Billy, where's your tummy?"

And he pointed at his tummy. Lovely.

And I said, "But he doesn't just know his tummy.

"He knows lots of other parts as well.

"He knows his head, he knows... his arms,

"he knows his hands, feet. Erm...

"Billy, where's your neck? Where's your neck?

"Show her your neck. Where's your neck?

"Billy, where's your neck?" He was a bit tired by this point.

"He knows 'neck'. Billy, where's your neck?

"Where's your neck, darling? Where's your neck?

"Where's your neck? Where's your neck, poppet?

"Where's your neck? Darling, where's your neck?

"Where's your neck, darling? Billy, where's your neck?

"Where's your neck? Show her your neck.

"Show the lady your neck. Show the lady your neck.

"Your neck. Neck.

"Neck. Neck. Neck. Neck.

"Neck. Neck. Neck. Neck. Your neck.

"Billy, your neck. Billy, your neck.

"Billy? Billy. Billy.

"Billy. Billy. Billy. Billy, the lady.

"No, he'll do it, in a minute. Your neck. Your neck.

"Show her your neck. Billy, come back. Come back.

"Come back, come back. Good boy. Your neck. Show her your neck.

"Show your neck, poppet. Show your neck. Give him a minute.

"Show your neck. Show your neck.

"Your neck. Neck.

"Show her your neck. Show her your neck.

"Show her your neck, poppet.

"Show your neck. Neck. Neck. Neck.

"Neck. Neck. Neck. Neck.

"Neck, Billy. Neck. Neck.

"Neck, Billy."

And then he got it wrong.

LAUGHTER

So that was a fail.

It wasn't just me being weird.

There was something about fine motor skills, right?

She said, "Does Billy know

"how to thread beads onto a string?"

An activity - and I can't stress this enough -

that I have never seen him do.

And I went to say, "No."

And my husband chimed up

for the first time in the whole interview,

and with more confidence

than with which he said "I do" on our wedding day,

said, "Yes, he does."

And I looked at him, and I was like, "Does he?"

And he went, "Pretty sure he does."

Now, to give you a bit of background,

my husband is a very confident man.

It may be related to the fact that he has had

three private school educations,

every one of which he's squandered.

LAUGHTER

Now, full disclosure,

I have had one private school education,

but I was on a scholarship there - an assisted place, to be specific.

Thank you very much, the '90s. Thank you very much, John Major.

Thank you, the Conservatives. Again, I am voting for Rishi Sunak.

LAUGHTER

No, I was a scholarship girl.

So I have the privilege and the confidence

of a private school education, paired with

the imposter syndrome of being the scholarship girl in the year.

So what that leaves me with, as a personality,

is that with any given task, I'm like,

"Oh, I won't be able to do that.

"No, I can't. I can't possibly do that.

"Yeah, but I know I can't do that.

"And I know that better than anyone."

But my husband has got a lot of confidence.

Erm, to give you an idea,

recently, he suggested that we go on a barging holiday.

Now, I've never been on a barging holiday before.

I don't even know what the verbs are.

Like, do you drive it? Do you sail it?

Do you ride it? I don't know.

And I said to him, true to my character, like,

"But when do they teach you how to barge?

"I don't know how to barge. How do we learn?

"Do they teach you when you arrive?

"Do you have to YouTube it in advance?

"Do they give you a pamphlet through the door?

"When do you learn how to barge?"

And he said...

.."I wouldn't worry about it."

LAUGHTER

And I said, "Why?

"Do you know how to barge?" And he said...

"Pretty sure I do."

Sometimes it's sexy, sometimes it's annoying.

Anyway, back to the assessment.

It turns out my son is a professional jeweller.

LAUGHTER

The last thing that Martha said to us was, she said,

"What does an average day look like for you and Billy?"

And I said, "Well, if he's not at nursery,

"then we might play with some toys, we might go to the park,

"maybe watch a bit of TV and then have dinner."

And she said, "Oh, that sounds lovely.

"But we do say to all parents,

"do try to limit TV to half an hour per day."

LAUGHTER

And I've never been more proud, actually.

Both of us put on such a united front and both went,

"Oh, might have to cut down a little bit, then."

As opposed to what was going on in our brains, which was,

"What the fuck are you talking about?

"Half an hour, per day?

"Half an hour? Of television? Per day?

"HALF an hour? HALF an hour per day?

"Of television? With a toddler?"

I don't know how to be a mother on half an hour.

My son has watched two full-length Disney feature films

before he leaves for nursery at 8am.

LAUGHTER

What an offensive, demoralising thing to say to us.

And I have reported her.

LAUGHTER

It's at this point in the show I think I should tell you...

Sorry, I'm just trying to sort my hair out.

Don't include this in the DVD.

Erm... It's not a DVD. They don't exist any more.

It'll go on the YouTubes or something.

It's at this point in the show I ought to mention

I am at my sexual peak.

WHOOPING

Another curtsy. Thank you.

I'm meant to be at my sexual peak, according to "staticians".

Erm... women, approaching 40, it's meant to be your sexual peak.

But if people tell you, you should be at your sexual peak,

but you don't feel like you're at your sexual peak,

then being at your sexual peak becomes yet another thing

I haven't got around to doing.

It's just, the list on the fridge, it's just endless.

Erm, I don't know if I'm at my sexual peak.

I don't know if my husband's at his sexual peak.

I'll show you my husband's sexual peak. Hang on.

Now? LAUGHTER

Bit of fun. APPLAUSE

Bit of fun. Yeah, I'm meant to be at my sexual peak.

And what this reminds me of was, a few years ago,

I was doing Bath Comedy Festival,

and it was sponsored by Lovehoney.com.

I know. Thank you.

Some of you know what that is,

and some of you are pretending not to.

Which is adorable.

Lovehoney.com, obviously, is a sex website.

It sells sex toys, lube and lingerie.

But not the lube you put on a pregnant belly, presumably.

It was sponsored by Lovehoney.

At the end of my gig, Lovehoney asked to meet me,

and someone from Lovehoney gave me a goodie bag.

Woo-hoo-hoo. Thank you very much.

Bit disappointing as a goodie bag.

It had absolutely zero birthday cake in it.

No balloons, no streamers.

Did have poppers. I...

LAUGHTER

And it did have something called a sherbet dip, but...

..there's not enough Canesten in the world.

LAUGHTER Erm...

Not even, no.

So, they gave me a goodie bag,

and then the person from Lovehoney said to me...

.."Would you consider becoming a brand ambassador for Lovehoney?"

And I was surprised. I was surprised.

And I said, "What makes you ask me?"

And she said, "We think that you,

"Rachel Parris, are the perfect person

"to normalise sex toys."

LAUGHTER

I'm gonna say that again. I want you to drill down into it.

The perfect person

to normalise sex...

The perfect... Think about everyone you know

and everyone in the world. Who's the perfect...?

It's me.

Turns out it's me.

To normalise sex toys.

Not to glamorise them, not to make them look good.

To normalise them. So the job is,

there's someone on the street thinking,

"Oh, I really wish I could own a dildo.

"I want to own a dildo,

"but that seems too luxurious, too exotic.

"But wait!" LAUGHTER

"Look in that window. The nation's frump, Rachel Parris!

"Maybe...

"..if she owns a dildo, maybe I can, too."

That's the job. That's the job.

Now, I turned this down,

not because it wasn't flattering, which it wasn't.

I turned it down because I thought about what that entailed,

and that's a very difficult job.

Like, someone's got to do it, I presume,

but I don't think it's me.

Who is the perfect person to normalise sex toys?

Is it Monty Don?

Is it Monty Don? Who did you say?

WOMAN: Lorraine Kelly. Lorraine Kelly? I get that a lot.

I get a lot of votes for Lorraine Kelly.

I've had Lorraine Kelly, Clare Balding.

LAUGHTER

I think it's a good shout. I think it's a good shout.

Now, remember, before you shout out,

this is to normalise sex toys, not to glamorise them.

So I don't want your Joel Dommett,

I don't want your Katherine Ryan, your Anita Rani.

They would glamorise them. This is to normalise them.

OK, any thoughts?

MAN: Liz Truss. Liz Truss?!

Liz Truss isn't normalising anything.

What a weird suggestion.

WOMAN: Jeremy Corbyn! She's already fucked the country,

I don't want her fucking herself as well.

Jeremy Corbyn? Hmm...

No, I don't... I'm not sure about that.

MAN: Nicola Sturgeon!

Nicola Sturgeon? LAUGHTER

Nicola Sturgeon!

Maybe. She's got a lot...

She's got a lot of time in that caravan. Maybe.

WOMAN: Ann Widdecombe. Ann Widdecombe!

No. LAUGHTER

I won't have that. I won't have that.

Is it Stacey Solomon?

Pretty good shout, isn't it?

You know, normalising sex toys.

So, the reason I know that this is gonna be a difficult job

is that I went on Lovehoney.com,

and I looked up the kind of thing that I would be normalising.

Lovehoney sells an item which...

To describe it to you, I would have to check,

do you all know what a Fleshlight is?

Yes. Some of you do.

For those of you who don't know, please guess.

LAUGHTER

It's called a Fleshlight because it's a play on "flashlight".

Yeah? So, it's like, roughly,

it used to be sometimes the shape and size of a flashlight.

And you'd hold it down there,

but you wouldn't look around the room with it.

You'd more move it.

It's the opposite function of a dildo, OK?

So, I think we know where we are. So, that's a Fleshlight.

The British version was called a Florch.

LAUGHTER

If that helps.

I can see it's helping. Erm...

So...

Where was I? OK, so, erm...

Lovehoney.com sells a water-resistant,

hands-free shower mount for your Fleshlight.

I'll say it again - a water-resistant,

hands-free shower mount for your Fleshlight.

And here's what I'm not sure of. I'm not sure...

I'm not 100% sure

that I am the perfect person

to normalise that.

I don't know if... I don't think I am. I'm not sure.

There's someone on the street right now thinking,

"Oh, I really... Oh, I really want to...

"frop my shower cubicle without using my hands

"or worrying about the mount perishing."

LAUGHTER

But wait - that seems...

that seems too niche, too embarrassing.

GASPS Wait!

Run-of-the-mill, platonic, sexless figurehead Rachel Parris!"

LAUGHTER

"Maybe I can."

But weirdly, now, in the space I am just right now in life,

life is very busy, I'm very tired, my husband's very tired.

We've got two step-kids, we've got a toddler.

We're very busy, we're touring.

I feel like there is a purpose in normalising

all different swathes of sexual activity.

And at the moment, I could normalise the one that is

someone on the street thinking...

SIGHS "You know what?

"I want to have sex, but maybe I'm not having it as acrobatically

"or energetically as I used to.

"Maybe I'm not getting as fancily dressed up as I used to.

"Maybe we have to plan it a bit more and it's not as spontaneous,

"but that feels too... too boring.

"But wait! LAUGHTER

"Professional everyman Rachel Parris!

"Maybe, even I...

"can fuck my shower."

LAUGHTER

That could be me. That could be me.

I find the idea of using sexuality to sell things very interesting.

It's not something that's really ever been my bag.

But I look at people who do it well, and I admire it. I admire it.

I admire the girls from Selling Sunset.

Selling Sunset is a programme on Netflix that I love.

It was big in lockdown.

Some of you... Some of them are here tonight.

Selling Sunset is about a team of, erm, mostly female

Amazonian women in Hollywood

who have all had quite a lot of plastic surgery,

they're nearly all blonde.

They're just so glamorous,

and they all, crucially, hate each other.

And they all, crucially,

never tell each other to fuck off.

And it's amazing what they can say

when they... There's so much hatred there.

But what they do is,

they take the person they hate out to lunch, and then they say...

CALIFORNIAN ACCENT: .."Chantrice?

"Can I just say that I really admire you?

"Because I think that you're the kind of person

"who isn't afraid to show

"completely different sides of yourself to different people

"depending on who you're with at the time."

LAUGHTER

"Whereas I feel like I'm the kind of person

"who just shows one side of myself, whoever I'm with."

And the other one'll go,

"Thank you for saying that, Jessifer."

LAUGHTER

"I really appreciate us getting together like this.

"Can I just say that I feel like

"I'm the kind of person who has different facets of my personality

"to show to different people?

"Whereas I feel like you're the kind of person

"who is just one thing."

LAUGHTER

"And there's no right way to be.

"Sometimes I wish I was like you.

"Sometimes."

And then a third one, who's sort of mediating,

will be like... She'll be, like, Chrishelle.

Chrishelle will be like,

"Guys, I'm so proud of us for doing this.

"Can I just say that you, Jessifer,

"are the kind of person

"who really cares when you see that other people are hurting?

"But what I love about you, Chantrice,

"is that you don't let the suffering of others affect you at all."

LAUGHTER

"Your nails look amazing today."

And I just think it's remarkable diplomacy,

and it's a level of diplomacy that I think that we could be employing

on the foreign stage.

I think UK foreign policy is fucked.

Erm, it's bad, isn't it, at the moment?

And I don't think it can get much worse.

So my suggestion is that the girls from Selling Sunset

teach our leaders how to deal

with foreign diplomatic situations.

Imagine Liz Truss dealing with Putin in that way.

I think it would work. You know, she'd be like...

.."Can I just say,

"I feel like you're the kind of country

"who needs more and more land to feel validated?

"Whereas I feel like we're the kind of country

"who could feel validated by arguing

"over whether jam or cream goes first on a scone."

And Putin would be like...

.."I feel like you are the kind of country

"who would lose your shit if there was a little bit of purple

"in your Saint George Cross."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"You are weak and feminine, and I despise you."

CALIFORNIAN ACCENT: "You're doing it wrong, Vlad."

I, er, haven't thought much

about our foreign policy since Brexit.

I'm not going to talk about Brexit.

What is there to say? It's just going well.

LAUGHTER

The Brexiteers told me to get over it,

and I have.

I have. It was easy because, you know,

the industries that we were promised would flourish are flourishing.

Our economy, that we were promised we'd get back and would boom...

INHALES SHARPLY ..is booming.

Immigration, that we were promised would drop...

STRAINS: ..has dropped.

CHUCKLES: It hasn't.

I would like to tour to Europe with this show,

but I can't. LAUGHTER

I'm over it. I'm fine with it.

So, look, I'm not gonna talk about Brexit.

I'm certainly not gonna do a song about Brexit.

What I am gonna do a song about is...

the biennial, now, snaking queues of traffic,

leading up to the Port of Dover

every major holiday.

You may be aware of this,

it's just a small by-product of Brexit.

No, not of Brexit, necessarily. Could be anything causing it.

But roughly between 2016 and 2018,

erm, whenever there was a major holiday, at Dover,

the amount of extra paperwork would mean -

not necessarily that -

would mean that people got stuck in queues for days.

For days. Truckers, tourists, holiday-makers,

people trying to get in, people trying to get out.

Last Easter, people spent the actual Easter weekend

in their coaches and cars at Dover

instead of in Paris or Belgium or wherever they wanted to go.

It's tragic, but it's funny. LAUGHTER

So, this song said...

And, you know, it might not be Brexit, why that's happening.

It could be a cohort of learner drivers

all stalling at the same time.

It could be some kind of elaborate flash mob. Erm...

Could be one of the, I don't know, fascinating car crashes

that people slow down to look at. I like to think,

if you look at the snaking queues all interweaving,

and you zoom up, and you get a bird's eye view,

you'll see a tiny Neil Buchanan going, "This is an art attack."

LAUGHTER

So, this song is called Easter In Dover.

PLAYS PIANO SOFTLY

# The wheels on the bus

# Do not go round... # LAUGHTER

# They are stationary, quiet, still

# There are bluebirds over The white cliffs

# And they're crapping On the window sill

# Oh, I do like to be Beside the seaside

# Beside the back-seat of seat B

# Coach C of Crawley Luxury

# Easter In a seat, in a coach

# In a queue, in a port in Dover

# Easter Put seat 9 in recline

# Froglet wine and a 60-berth motor

# Somewhere stationary Adjacent to the coast

# Is the place where I want to eat My lamb roast

# How blessed are we to celebrate

# In a queue stretching Halfway to Ramsgate?

# Easter I'm glad we never reached the coast

# For this is just what we hoped for And more

# No working toilet No air-con, no food

# Happy Easter Praise the Lord

# Yes, we wanted to be in Paris But we were wrong

# It's nice to be in a bottleneck Six miles long

# Forget the Eiffel Tower

# Trevor hasn't had a shower now For four days

# That's a record

# We were anticipating The romance of France

# But Kent is even nicer Given half the chance

# And Trevor's only packed A single pair of pants

# So it really feels like spring

# Easter Here so long, going strong

# This vehicular conga is a party

# Party Ann and Nick have got the looks

# So if we're stuck here We might throw in our car keys

# We've been here so long

# I'm finding Trevor interesting

# We've been here so long

# France has actually finished Protesting... #

LAUGHTER

# We've been here so long

# I've written the sequel to Les Mis

# It's just as long and brutal And it's about

# Well, this

# I dreamed I didn't need a wee... #

LAUGHTER

# That Tena Lady came in handy

# Easter And all the days all around it

# All around It's a resounding success

# No mistakes were made And we don't regret our choices

# It's not because of what you think We'll have no dissenting voices

# Blinkers on, fingers in ears Eat an egg off Trevor

# Happy Easter to us. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

One thing that's new as I've got older is that I now get anxiety.

Erm, I get anxiety.

I'm learning to deal with it. I deal with it quite well now,

sometimes in big overarching, life-changing ways.

And some of the ways I deal with it are small, everyday ways.

And the small, everyday ways include a lot of apps.

I've got a lot of apps.

I know - mental health. There's an app for that.

But there is. I've got them all.

I keep them in a special folder on my phone

labelled "Millennial Stereotypes".

I've got them all. I've got one called Headspace.

Er, has anyone got Headspace? ISOLATED CHEERS

Lovely. I've got one called, er, Breethe,

which is just guided breathing exercises. Anyone got Breethe?

Yeah? Someone's got Breethe.

They spell it with three Es, don't they?

Which pisses me off.

INHALES SHARPLY

LAUGHTER

I've got one called Calm. Calm is lovely. Anyone got calm?

Yeah, Calm's popular.

But Calm is quite high-end. It's got, like, soundscapes.

It's got meditations, it's got guided breathing.

It's got something called sleep stories.

Sleep stories. The idea is that there are stories

that are so boring... LAUGHTER

..and read in such a tedious way

that it helps you to go off to sleep.

Now, I think it's a good idea,

but Calm, recently,

have started employing people like...

Cillian Murphy,

Tom Hardy, Chris Hemsworth

to read those stories.

And I think the goal has changed.

LAUGHTER

They know exactly what they're doing, don't they?

They're not sleep stories.

They're bedtime stories for anxious straight women.

They know exactly what they're doing.

There's Calm, there's one called Mantras.

Mantras is... No, it's simple.

It sends you a few simple words to live your day by

in a lovely calming font, maybe a sloping Helvetica,

on a beach or forest background.

And if you don't change the default settings,

it sends you a mantra

13 times a day.

On an alert.

And it won't leave you alone until you let them know...

CHUCKLES ..that you've read the mantra.

It's the most stressed I've ever been.

But it says nice things. It says things like, erm,

"You are enough."

Lovely. Or...

"Live, laugh, love."

Lovely. No, I like that one.

It's annoying when you forget to live.

LAUGHTER

Or... It doesn't always get it right.

The other day, it sent this one.

You'll recognise this one, it's quite a famous one. It said,

"Do something every day that scares you."

What?!

Do something every day that scares you?

That's...

I've got anxiety. The threshold is low.

Who is that advice for? Just dig down into that. Do some...?

Behave in a way that disturbs and upsets you,

and do so constantly.

Who is that advice for?

I'm feeling a bit anxious.

I think I'll go out and punch a pitbull square in the face.

I've lost an arm, but I do feel better.

I don't know who's living by that advice.

The only people I can think of living by something like that advice

are the current crop of politicians,

or recent other ones.

I mean, Rishi Sunak is living by,

"Do something every day

"that scares young people."

And Suella Braverman, arguably, the last few years, is living by...

"Do something every day

"that would scare even Enoch Powell."

LAUGHTER

And I sort of wish that Keir Starmer was living by...

.."Do something."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I am... I am quite an anxious person.

All sorts of things make me anxious.

I'm gonna sing a song now about one of my anxieties.

This song is called I Don't Know How To Greet You.

PLAYS PIANO SOFTLY

# You've gone for a handshake

# But I've leaned in for a hug... #

LAUGHTER

# And now my hand is trapped Between our torsos

# You've gone for a kiss On the cheek

# And that's been OK

# But I've gone for a second kiss

# But you only planned To do one kiss

# So you withdraw your face As I lean in

# And now I'm kissing you

# On the chin

# I never wanna see you again

# I never want to see anyone again

# I'm biting my hand off I'm moving to Prague

# I'm living off-grid Until this world burns

# I am changing my name I'm wiping my memory

# I'm living a life of prayer

# On the Isle of Mull

# Or Sark

# It's seven years later

# I'm out of the bunker

# And I see you on a street near me

# My heart is thumping Can't you see?

# We walk towards each other

# We run towards each other

# How can you get over such a thing?

# I reach up

# And fist-bump you

# On the chin. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm just gonna have a lot of water cos I've got two songs left,

and I'm worried I'm not gonna get through them vocally.

So do just tell your own jokes to each other now.

Any good ones? LAUGHTER

Mm.

OK. CLEARS THROAT

It's nearly the end of the show.

AUDIENCE: Ah.

Don't, I'll carry on.

LAUGHTER A lot of songs.

It's nearly the end of the show, and...

the phrase that comes back to me

is "life begins at 40".

But for me,

all of the big, emotional, impactful events

that I think are likely to happen in my life happened

before I'm turning 40.

They happened in the last few years.

You know, break-ups, breakdowns,

trying for a family, pregnancy,

illness and loss,

and now...

Nigel Farage running for Clacton.

LAUGHTER

It's all there, and I'm not 40 yet.

So, I'm gonna sing a song.

This is in C major.

LAUGHTER

Don't join in. LAUGHTER

# They say that life begins

# And thank you for that gift

# But what of all I have done before?

# I'm pretty sure I've lived

# I am not stale, I am not new

# I am no blushing ingenue

# I do not need a clean, fresh start

# Can't be returned cos I am marked

# What of all my wisdom And my nonsense?

# All the words I could pass on

# Once I am of a certain age

# I am not new, I'm a sage

# And I find I have

# Some shit to say

# Cos my life did not begin today

# Don't smoke, do vote Not too much dope

# Do love your bum Don't dress your age

# Do mostly things That give you hope

# But still some things That make you rage

# I know my worth, I know myself

# I really know my mortgage rate

# I know how to put up a shelf

# But I can't remember Your last name

# I have some scars like most I know

# They say these things Will make you strong

# Well, I feel more deeply Than before

# But as for strength I think they're wrong

# I did not get My strength from strife

# I've been a lion all my life

# What really is there left to say

# Before we all sashay away?

# I'm glad I did not know the way

# My life did not begin today

# But what a ride

# Oh, what a gift

# To say for sure

# That I have lived

# To say for sure

# That I have lived. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now...

..I'm not gonna leave you on an acapella folk song.

That would be weird. LAUGHTER

That would be so weird. Erm...

Bear with.

I feel like, in all of the big questions

that I've been asking, I'm looking for a role model

of womanhood, er, of this age, you know?

And I don't know where to look for it,

but actually, it's been there all along,

in all of the representations that we see in media,

in TV and film.

The ultimate woman -

the Bond girl.

LAUGHTER It's perfect. It's perfect.

Because there is progress there, actually.

You know, it's much-maligned as a stereotype,

but you look at Bond girls of the '60s and Bond girls now...

I mean, Pussy Galore.

Pussy? Galore! Wow!

What a positive, great offering that is.

Pussy Galore. And really, Bond girls, you know...

Things are improving cos they don't even call them Bond girls any more.

They call them lady spies,

or SILFs.

LAUGHTER

And, you know, Bond girls in the '60s,

they used to be, like, chirpy, and confident,

and sassy, and horny.

And now, Bond girls are pale and miserable and damp.

So that's better, isn't it?

I think that's better. I think that's better.

So, by great coincidence, I've recently been asked

to write the Bond theme song

for the forthcoming film.

I know - what a privilege.

They've given me a huge amount of leeway...

LAUGHTER

..on it.

And, erm, one thing I said is,

"Well, look, I'm gonna centre the woman.

"I'm gonna send to the woman."

I'm looking at the Bond films and other representations,

and I'm gonna write a song

about that perfect model of womanhood

that we see in the Bond films and across TV and film.

Just to say as well,

just before I sing it, I wanted to do my job properly.

I paid attention to what the title should be.

Cos there's a lot of themes in the Bond franchise

of death and die and live -

Living Daylights, Die Another Day.

There's time, forever, twice, never,

erm, diamonds, gold, jewels, isn't there?

There's a lot of that. And guns, you know.

I like the ones that are a joke.

Like, instead of you only live once, they did You Only Live... Twice.

Agh, brilliant!

I love that. I tried to emulate that.

I nearly called it, instead of Once Upon A Blue Moon,

I called it, like, Twice Upon A Blue Moon,

or, erm...

Once Bitten, Twice Twice.

LAUGHTER They didn't make the cut.

I tried, um, The Gun With The Golden Yesterday.

Or, erm, Forever Is A Long Time To Diamond.

Don't Count Your Chickens Until Their Death.

Er, I played around with things.

But I hope you like what I've gone for.

As I sing this song,

I would like you to imagine the classic Bond graphics.

So, you know, legs turning into guns

and, erm, boobs

turning into... guns.

LAUGHTER

Guns turning into, er...

LAUGHTER

..Judi Dench.

LAUGHTER

OK. Hang on.

I'm just gonna have a bit more water.

I hope that will increase the tension.

LAUGHTER

Thanks, and, um...

SINISTER PIANO MUSIC

# She sits in the dark

# One look from her Can light a spark

# She's strong

# But she's thin... #

LAUGHTER

# She's stunning She's damaged

# Her hair is easy to manage

# And she has a twin

# She's been crying

# But neatly

# Not wailing, just discreetly

# She's sad

# But you don't feel awkward

# And her feelings Are complex

# But she does want To have full sex

# She's not a virgin

# Hm, but sort of... #

LAUGHTER

# She walks through the night

# She can hold a pint

# One look

# And that look can linger

# The girl with the diamond

# Finger... # LAUGHTER

# She's elusive

# But local

# Her opinions are strong But not vocal

# She's tired

# But she doesn't look it

# She's rich, she's tragic

# Her boobs are held up By magic... #

LAUGHTER

# She's smart

# But she doesn't know it... #

Perfect.

# She's beautiful

# Without make-up

# But she's

# Wearing make-up

# Just really

# Really expensive make-up

# The sort that looks Like you're not

# Wearing make-up

# That makes people like you

# Say you prefer women Without make-up... #

EXHALES SHARPLY, LAUGHTER

WHOOPING

APPLAUSE

# She's a dream

# She's a nightmare

# On a bad day, she can be a biter

# She's helpless

# But she carries a knife

# She's open, she's hidden

# She's a murderer That one's a given

# She's got a Lotus

# But prefers if you drive... #

LAUGHTER

# She walks through the dark

# But she can't reverse park

# She loves any gift

# You bring her

# The girl with the diamond

# Finger

# Her finger's gone

# Dead

# One jewelled digit

# Zirconian thumb

# Diamonds are

# A girl's best

# Twice... #

LAUGHTER

SHE VOCALISES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much!

You've been an amazing audience. Thank you so much for coming.

Thanks, guys.

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Have a wonderful evening.

I hope to see you very soon. Goodbye!

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com

KAZOO BLARES, LAUGHTER