Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Sabrina Carpenter.

This is the one and only Paul Simon.

I sang this song with George Harrison on Saturday Night Live in 1976.

I was not born then, and neither were my parents.

I'm glad they're getting a chance to hear it tonight.

Me too.

And each town looks the same to me.

The movies and the factories and every stranger's face I see reminds me that I want to be homeward bound.

When I wish I was homeward bound.

Homeward bound.

Home when my thoughts escaping.

Home when my music's playing.

Home when my love lies waiting silently for me.

Tonight I'll sing my songs again.

Play the game and pretend.

But all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity like emptiness and harmony.

I need someone to comfort me.

Homeward bound.

Homeward bound.

Homeward bound.

Homeward bound.

Home where my thoughts escaping Home where my music's playing Home where my love lies waiting Solently for me

Carol Simon and Sabrina Carpenter. Miley Cyrus and Brittany Howard. Lil Wayne and The Roots. And Paul McCartney.

Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Martin!

Good evening and welcome to the 50th anniversary of Saturday Night Live.

I'm Steve Martin, Saturday Night Live's newest diversity hire.

And what a thrill it is to be here. When I heard that SNL wanted to do an anniversary special, I literally wanted to leap into the air.

And the only reason I didn't is because at the time I was wearing a short skirt with no underwear.

Now I can't believe...

I can't believe I even made it here in time. It was only a few days ago that Lauren told me I was doing the monologue

and I was actually vacationing on a friend's boat down in the Gulf of Steve Martin and I finally...

It took me a while to get here, but I did. Now, Saturday Night Live, as you know, turned 50 years old this year and I turned 79.

But I feel like I'm 65. Which is also not good.

Now, seriously, I do not mind getting older. Um, do you think these hearing aids make my ass look smaller? I do.

And I'm still learning about life. Uh, actually my wife, who's a very smart, wise person, taught me something the other day.

She sat me down and she said,

Steve, you know, babies don't get sarcasm.

And I realized I've been wasting my time going up to strollers on the street and saying,

Oh, what a cute baby! Whoa! Jesus!

Now, a fun fact. A person born during the first season of Saturday Night Live could today be easily dead of natural causes.

Now, you're going to see a lot of familiar things tonight. Uh, musical guests, sketches, cameo appearances, the news. And this is the monologue. Traditionally, the weakest part of the show.

Yes, the monologue is like a rent controlled tenant. It's not going anywhere, even though it stinks.

And there's so many members of the SNL family here tonight. The great Bill Murray is here.

And we wanted to make sure that Bill would be here tonight, so we didn't invite him.

And David Letterman is here.

Wow. Dave, thanks for leaving the sheep at home.

And we can't forget the writers who have always been the heart and soul of SNL.

In fact, let's please have the great writers from the past 50 years stand up and take a bow.

By the way, that tribute to the writers was written by A.I.

Oh, my God.

John Mulaney, I didn't know you were even going to be here.

Oh, you would if you'd ever come to rehearsal. By the way, congratulations on the Emmy win.

Nope.

Emmy nomination?

Nope. Grammy win.

No.

Grammy nomination?

No.

Golden Globe win?

No.

Golden Globe nomination?

The writers really appreciated that tribute, but I believe that the heart and soul of this show is the celebrity hosts, many of whom are in this room tonight.

You know, as I look around, I see some of the most difficult people I have ever met in my entire life.

Over the course of 50 years, 894 people have hosted Saturday Night Live, and it amazes me that only two of them have committed murder.

Each week, each week, a new celebrity host comes in with their own dynamic and they throw everything off.

But not you, Steve, because you have no dynamic.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks, Steve.

Oh, my God.

Ladies and gentlemen, the only Canadian who wasn't in Schitt's Creek.

Are you sure?

Thank you.

But you know, wait a second. I thought we were hosting together.

Oh, uh, do you have your passport poured on you?

No.

Ice, get him!

No!

No!

Oh, I'll cooperate. Don't take me.

I'll name names.

Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, Cameron Harris.

Damn you, you white-haired son of a bitch!

You know...

Marty and I have been working together so long that we can actually finish each other's careers.

Now, I hope that you are enjoying my monologue tonight, but if you aren't enjoying it, maybe you should get up and take a good look at yourself in the mirror and say to yourself, what have I become?

Oh, my God.

Did they put LSD in my Caesar salad or do I see three beautiful ladies hitchhacking my way?

Hi, traveler.

Hi, traveler.

Hi, traveler.

We want a ride.

We'd love to sit right by your side.

And then we hope you will decide which one of us will be your bride.

...

Whoa, volume.

I felt that in my breasts.

And did you say bride?

Buy a guy a Caesar salad first.

Call back.

I don't even know your names.

Well, that's easy.

I'm Janice.

Oh, Janice alert.

I'm Holly.

Like the bush.

I'm Margaret.

You sure are grit.

And I'm Janice.

...

Soon you'll fall for one of us three.

We keep forgetting Mom had four.

I came out of a different hole.

...

If you're trying to do the math on that one, when you think of the hole it should be, it's the one behind that.

Okay, goodbye.

Oh, now we're talking.

With the snuggle.

Finally some comfort.

With the tickle.

Yes.

Whether you'll find out.

What is happening?

...

Oh!

Certainly the half.

That reminds me.

I need to get some oral surgery done soon.

You know what? I don't hate it.

I don't hate it.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I love you.

Yes.

I love you.

And there's nothing you could say that would change my mind.

I put a bird in my mouth.

Then I went to the movies.

Then I laughed at the movies.

Then the bird flew out.

But the bird choked on popcorn.

And I gave it CPR.

And the bird flew away.

But I caught it and ate it raw.

Is that bad?

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

Wow, and to think I almost picked Kim Kardashian.

Isn't love wonderful?

And by wonderful, I mean visually upsetting.

And thanks once again to three of the former Harald sisters.

Denise, I got a motorcycle helmet made for you.

Come here.

The Lawrence Welk Show is brought to you by Stouffer's TV Breakfast,

Silent Tammy Dahl, and Dr. Wilson's Sleeping Fudge.

We'll be right back.

Thank you for having me on Sleeping Fudge.

The Lawrence Welk Show is brought to you by Stouffer's TV.

That's okay.

We hear you, Tracy Morgan.

I refuse to ingest three cheeses.

Four chees...

You're right.

Four cheeses.

We got it, Tracy Morgan.

Thank you.

All right.

Let's take a look at our categories.

We got look here, this joker talking bout, leave Bronnie alone, man live from New York, and as always white people.

...

All right, Shanice, you're our returning champion, so you pick.

Let's go with look-a-here for a hundred.

Okay, the answer there.

Your 11-year-old is asking for something while you on the phone.

Shanice.

What is?

Look here!

You this close!

This close!

That's right.

That is right.

Yep.

Yep.

Yeah.

Get a little closer and see what happens.

Exactly.

All right, pick again.

Let's go with man for 300.

Okay, the answer there.

There's 30-something people at the park wearing the same red t-shirt.

Darius.

What is?

Man, that's just a Jansen family reunion.

That's right.

That's right.

Yeah.

Shirt got a picture of a tree on it or something.

I don't know.

Speaking of family, Darius and Tracy, y'all seem like y'all might be related.

Yeah.

Well, James L. Jones was my biological father.

James L. Jones impregnated my mother on the set of Claudine.

On Edgecombe Avenue in Harlem.

You know what?

I think we might be related.

I don't see it.

You know what?

Let's just...

Let's just move on.

Darius, it's still your pick.

...

Okay.

Let's go.

We're live from New York for 100.

Okay, the answer there.

This legendary late-night show created some of comedy's biggest stars.

It's a sketch comedy show.

It's been on for a long time.

Ah, Darius.

...

What is a living color?

No.

No, I'm sorry.

I think y'all know this, though.

Um, as kids, you probably stayed up late on Saturday to watch.

Tracy.

What is Showtime at the Apollo?

...

Featuring Sandman Sims.

No.

Come on.

Y'all really don't know?

Hosted by Steve Harvey.

Again.

No.

Y'all ready for your next act?

Let me hear you say, yeah!

This is not that.

This is not that.

Oh, my God.

Shanice.

Okay.

Of course, this show's been on every Saturday for years, right, Darnell?

...

Yes.

And it's got a host and a musical guest, right?

Yes.

Okay, okay.

Can I say the famous catchphrase that opens the show?

Well, go ahead.

It's Soul Train!

No!

Now, y'all know the answer.

It's Saturday Night Live.

What is Saturday Night Live?

Now, come on, Darius.

I just gave you the answer.

No, I'm asking.

What is Saturday Night Live?

I don't know that.

...

It's Sunday Night Live.

SNL.

It's a sketch comedy show.

It's been on for 50 years.

What day do they tape on?

Saturday.

It's in the name.

Now, Tracy, you were on it with Tina Fey.

What is 30 Rock?

You know what?

I tell you what, let's just hear about today's sponsors.

Johnny!

...

All right, let's stick with Live from New York.

And to help, here is a special guest clue from Mr. Chris Rock.

Thank you.

Thank you, Darnell.

It's an honor to be here on Black Jeopardy.

I've been a fan of the show since the 70s, when it was called Mama's Got Questions.

...

Okay, now some of y'all might remember me from Saturday Night Live.

I was the black guy who came after Eddie Murphy.

You know, that's kind of like being the point guard after Stephen Curry.

Okay, here's your clue about SNL.

This religious character has made people laugh for years.

Who is my dear?

No.

That is not Tyler Perry.

Can't you see that?

She's right...

Oh, it is Doug!

How you doing, Darnell?

Now, I heard a fellow could win some money here, and I know exactly who that is.

The church lady.

...

Yes.

Yes, that is correct, Doug.

Thank you.

That is the church lady.

$400 for you.

Oh, well, thank you.

Hey, now speaking of church, can I say something?

If more folks went to church, we wouldn't be in this mess we're in now.

You know what?

I agree with you, Doug.

I'd like to shake your hand, sir.

Here we go.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, no, no.

It's just a handshake.

Yeah, it's just a handshake.

Yeah, all right.

You're welcome to Black Jeopardy anytime.

Thank you, my brother.

...

You know, maybe I'll start a show for you to come on, and we'll call it Black Jeopardy.

No.

We don't need it.

We don't need it.

But slow it down a little bit, Doug.

All right.

We're gonna take a break.

When we return to Black Jeopardy, we will see if anyone has watched any of this year's

Oscar movies.

...

I doubt it.

We'll see ya.

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry to sneak in it.

Hi, everyone.

Tonight is a celebration of classic moments, but SNL will always have that contrarian edge.

never wanting to do anything that feels too obvious, too on the nose.

Um...

Come on up here.

Who are you?

What's your age and your name?

Ladies...

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Sally O'Malley.

Yeah.

Baby, don't hurt me no more.

Say what?

What is love?

What is love?

What is love?

You're making me very, um, uncomfortable.

No, I'm not.

You kind of are.

I'm gonna stop.

Yeah, I could eat a whole bottle.

Yeah, I could...

I could eat a whole bottle, too.

Don't even try to...

I don't know.

I guess...

Jesus Christ.

Everybody breaks yourselves.

What?

...

When our daughter Kelsey told us that she and Matt wanted to do a bowel renewal, we were a little surprised since they've only been married less than a year.

But, hey, what's another 70 grand at Best Western?

And I just wanna say, congratulations, you guys! Drinks for everyone! Open bar!

I apologize. My wife is doing wet February.

Oh, well, yes I am.

Anyway...

...

Kelsey and Matt...

You were...

May you...

I wanna say...

Let me take the rain.

Sure!

Anytime!

Kelsey and Matt...

Yeah.

May you have a marriage as loving and passionate as daddy and me, cause...

Oh, baby.

Look at...

How about you?

Mmm!

Mmm!

Mmm!

Mmm!

Mmm!

Mmm!

Mmm!

...

Oh, whoa!

What happened?

What happened?

What happened?

Okay!

Weird speech.

So, for those of you who don't know me, I'm Sophie, the bride's childhood bestie.

I couldn't make it to the wedding cause I was unfortunately in prison.

You got so skinny in jail, girl!

I know, right?

I couldn't eat the food.

Anyway...

...

I'd love to invite up Kelsey's best friends, AKA the Kel Squad.

Hey!

So, instead of a speech, we're gonna do something different for y'all.

Cause we're a little bit basic.

A little bit toxic.

So, as some of you know, we took Kelsey to New York City to celebrate the vow renewal.

Matt said it had to be a day trip cause he doesn't trust Kelsey on overnights anymore.

Guilty as charged.

...

Seriously though, I love strong women.

While in New York, we got blackout drunk and went to Wicked.

So, Matt and Kelsey, this is for you.

Something has changed within her.

She's ready to commit.

She sees something in Matthew that honestly we do not get.

...

Okay, well, that was great and now the song is over and we will not learn anything else.

Really?

Cause a lot more happened.

Oh my God, Taylor!

How is she doing Taylor?

...

After the show, it's Madame Tussauds in Times Square.

There's a wax Keanu Reeves but Kelsey doesn't care.

It's clear that Kelsey's mind is elsewhere.

What were you thinking about?

...

My friends are singing.

Next up, we take a petty cab in Central Park.

LT says there is a giant hole in my heart.

She throws a coin into a fountain and then she whispers, I wish I could be with him.

We all know she's talking about Domingo.

Even though she can't be with Domingo.

She's out in the middle of New York and she screams to the sky.

What she's looking for is this home Latin guy.

That she can't not live with Domingo.

That's why you try to live without Domingo, baby.

...

Come on, say, D.C.

Open relationship.

Hi, Domingo!

Mamá, papi, how are the kitchen renovations going?

Wait, you guys know Domingo?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

He was my primary care physician and Domingo, do you know that you were right?

I do have Hashimoto's.

Gross.

God, I can't believe Domingo is at another major life event of mine.

Don't worry, Matt, we got you.

Sup.

Sup.

Yeah.

Thanks, yeah.

Reception's lit.

As many as you know were Matt's groomsmen, a.k.a. the doormats.

We took Matt on a golf trip to the real city that never sleeps, Scottsdale, Arizona.

Which is also our hometown.

And our names.

.

These are the three Scotts, and I'm Dale.

Scottsdale!

And let's just say, to play 18 holes, we needed a little espresso.

The groomsmen had a local staycation, cause we've been hit hard by inflation.

And we knew Matt needs a break from Kelsey.

I'm sorry, who is Rinaldo?

Don't worry, honey.

Rinaldo is in my past.

Matthew, I'm here.

Hey, Matt.

Hey.

Hey, Matt.

Came all this way.

Had to explain.

Direct from Rinaldo.

Matthew's my guy.

Said he's not mine, but we did hook up, though.

What?

Matt?

I'm sorry, you two know each other?

Of course!

We are brothers!

I'm the older brother.

And I'm the younger brother.

And I'm the hot brother.

Hi, Santiago.

Hi, Santiago.

Santiago?

Wait, Mom, Dad, how do you know him?

I did the kitchen renovation and then I had sex with the wife.

How are you feeling, Santiago?

I just love the wedding!

Hey, Matt.

Came all this way.

Had to explain.

Direct from Domingo.

Word to the wise that you got Hawaii.

Titan from the Tribal!

Domingo!

And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Hanks.

Wow!

What a night!

Well, even after 50 years, there are still things about SNL that people don't know.

So, we are here to answer any questions people still have about the show.

Don't be shy.

Just raise your hand.

Yes, Quinta Brunson.

Hi!

Hey!

Hi!

Hi!

Hi!

Um, Quinta Brunson here.

.

First off, I'm gonna say, you ladies look great.

What's your secret?

Wow!

Thank you for asking that question we wrote.

Mm-hmm.

Um, I'm wearing a 3D printed mask of my younger self.

And my face is all natural, but full disclosure, this is the back of my head.

I flipped my hair and started over.

I love that.

Well, it's working for you, baby girl.

Anyway, I am an SNL super fan.

Um, my question is kind of a deep cut.

In the March 18th, 1993 good nights, Tim Meadows whispered something to musical guest Shade.

What was he saying?

Oh, wow.

Let's find out.

Tim?

Are you here?

Tim, do you remember what you were saying?

Uh, yeah.

Wow.

Thank you.

Uh, yeah, if it was March 93, I'm pretty sure I was saying, hey, Shade, you wanna drink

some Zima with me in my dressing room?

We could play Mortal Kombat 1 and watch the new cool Mendez trial.

That's exactly what I thought.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

Um, also, it worked, by the way.

Shade and I are still together.

Aw.

That's awesome.

That's awesome.

Who else?

Who else has a question?

I have a question.

Oh, hi.

Ryan Reynolds.

Hi.

Hey.

Ryan Reynolds, how's it going?

Great.

Why, what have you heard?

.

Yeah, okay.

Well, my question is that, you know that the materials that they made the cone heads with,

are those, are those edible?

Edible?

No, no.

And based on them being made in 1975, I'd assume that they're highly toxic.

Oh, oh, okay.

So if somebody, you know, hypothetically took a couple of nibbles backstage and, uh, you

know, got excited, should they go to the hospital or should they?

Yes, they should go to the hospital right away.

Good.

Good luck.

Great.

Okay, next question.

Uh, I have a question.

Yes, there it is.

Thank you.

When I hosted the show, there was a woman who pulled me behind a little curtain and took

my pants off.

Does she work here?

Is she a blonde woman with a stopwatch?

Yeah.

She put her arm around my waist and kind of picked me up and shook me till my shoes fell

off.

Like, did I dream that or is that...

.

No, that's, that's Donna.

Come out here, Donna.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Donna.

Donna has been dressing every host since 1997.

She has seen every celebrity here in their underpants.

.

Donna, I know it's hard to pick, but who was your favorite host?

Jason Momoa.

Okay.

Our next question was submitted by a viewer.

.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sorry.

John, it's a medical thing.

You really need that dog.

Right, Julia?

Oh.

Uh, no, no, no.

I'm here for him.

He's blind.

So, so, Ricky, the blonde woman who you just talked, that's Amy Poehler.

...

And the older woman next to her is Tina Fey.

And the intense energy that you're feeling to your left is Adam Driver.

He's an...

He's an absolutely incredible actor.

And right now, he's acting like he's not attracted to me.

How you doing?

This is my puppy here.

Yeah.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

Let's take another question.

Um...

Yes.

Cher, you have a question.

Uh, no.

I don't.

I got a lot of answers.

...

Hey!

Yeah.

Cher, we believe.

We'll hook up with you after the show.

Okay.

Next question.

Yes.

Keith Richards.

That's right.

I left a scarf here in 1988.

And, uh...

I'm kind of wondering if anybody's seen it around.

A scarf?

Yeah.

It's, uh, in 1998.

Well, I...

I don't know.

Yeah.

I don't think so.

I'm not sure.

Look, it's simply not here, okay?

Can we all just stop looking?

Next question.

All right.

Okay.

Okay.

Uh, yes.

Jon Hamm.

Uh, yeah.

Hey, guys.

Uh...

This might be a weird question because I've hosted three times and I know I'm part of the family,

, but, uh...

Am I funny?

What?

Funny?

What?

Funny?

We...

What?

Whenever we ask you to do a bit, you always say yes.

Yes!

And that's what matters.

Yes!

Okay.

...

Bad buddy!

Eh, hola, um...

Bueno, yo voy a preguntar lo mismo, so...

Lo...

Para no repetirlo, lo voy a preguntar en español.

Eh, yo...

Soy chistoso.

Oh.

Oh, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí.

, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí.

Tú eres legit comico.

Uh, podras haber estado en el reparto, but...

Uh, pero no, le digas eso, uh, John Jamón.

Ha, ha, ha.

Okay, okay.

Ese va a ser nuestro secreto.

Shh.

Tranquila, man.

All right.

Yes.

Next question.

Seth.

Yeah, hey, hi, guys.

Um, it kind of feels like this whole question and answer thing is just a way for you guys to give

, um, airtime to celebrities who aren't in other parts of the show?

Oh, really?

It doesn't seem that way to me.

And what do you think, Reverend Al Sharpton and Ray Romano?

It seems...

It seems very natural to us.

Really, don't...

Don't...

Don't be so cynical, Seth.

We're having a nice time here.

There you go.

There you go.

All right, yeah, Jason Momoa.

Yeah, Jason Momoa.

Yeah, this, uh, that Donnie lady.

Uh, she liked to travel or, like, what's her vibe?

...

You'll have to ask her.

All right.

Good to know.

Yeah, Freddie.

Uh, hi.

Um, Fred Armisen.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Thanks, you guys.

Um, my question is, do you know why Lauren cut Vampire Office?

What?

Well, in 2005, I wrote a sketch called Vampire Office, and it...

it played pretty well at dress and then didn't get on air.

...

Okay, I guess maybe other sketches did better?

No.

It was a pretty bad show, front to back.

I don't know.

Okay, well, maybe he just didn't like it.

Well, do you know if he saw the changes I was gonna make?

Because...

I cut the beat where Finesse comes in as Simon Cowell and...

Wait, are you holding the sketch right now?

Yeah.

Do you think I should resubmit it?

Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Great.

Next time, Spacey hosts.

Okay.

Okay, we only have time for like a hundred more questions.

Yes.

Uh, yes.

Peyton Manning.

Yes.

Is, um...

Is Lauren gonna retire now?

No, I don't think so.

I don't think so.

that's great news.

Uh, Lauren, never retire.

It's brutal out here.

They had me doing all these commercials, insurance, beer.

I did one the other day for something called Fan Fight Power Monster 3.

I don't even know what the hell it is.

I just assumed it was a video game, but then in the last voiceover, I said,

now in diet chili flavor.

I hate being retired.

Okay.

Okay.

...

Seriously, Lauren, getting old sucks.

You feel like such a loser.

Galifianakis knows what I'm talking about.

Please don't bother me.

I just want to relax and watch Kanye perform.

Okay, you got it.

You got it, Jack.

Let's all watch this.

...

Hello?

Bowflex.

Andor.

What's up, dude?

Hey, are you going to the 50th?

No, actually, I don't think I can. I'm not gonna go.

What?

What are you talking about?

It's gonna be incredible.

Everyone on Earth is gonna be there.

I know. It's just, honestly, it stresses me out too much.

What do you mean?

Come on, Andy. You know SNL gives me anxiety.

Bowen, listen.

You are not alone, my friend.

And we also all have IBS.

Wait, what?

Oh, yeah. Tell them, Sarah.

The brain-to-gut connectional is a complex and bi-directional

of communication between the central nervous system and your butt.

So when you're watching SNL, just imagine everyone you see

right before the show went to the bathroom and took a crazy...

Right.

Oh, that these pipes could die.

Oh, that these pipes could die.

The stories they would tell.

That these pipes could die.

Oh, that these pipes could die.

Oh, that these pipes could die.

Oh, that these pipes could die.

Oh, that these pipes could die.

Oh, that these pipes could die.

I think they sound a little like this.

You've got to stop doing that.

No promises.

Jump to the 90s, Anna and Molly.

Making them laugh with sweaty balls.

On the outside, come and collect it.

But that's not how they felt at all.

Oh, we were freaked out as hell.

And we wanted to die.

Yeah.

Since you took your love away.

Since you've been gone, I can do whatever I want.

Yeah, I can see whoever I choose.

I can eat my dinner at a fancy restaurant.

Oh, but nothing, oh, nothing can take away these blues.

Oh, but nothing, oh, nothing can take away these blues.

And all the flowers that you planted, Mama, in the backyard.

All the flowers that you planted, Mama, in the backyard.

All the flowers that you planted, Mama, in the backyard.

All the flowers that you planted, Mama, in the backyard.

All died when you went away.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update.

I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well, it is a honor and a thrill to be hosting Weekend Update for the 50th,

and if it was up to our president, final season of SNL.

.

It is incredible that SNL is still going after all this time,

and I'm just talking about tonight's show.

There are so many famous hosts and musical guests here tonight

that some huge names actually have to watch from Studio 8G next door,

as well as from the Metropolitan Detention Center in Brooklyn.

Oh, you went to the parties. Okay.

Saturday Night Live has won 95 Emmys, one Grammy, three Peabody's,

and has over 100 Tonys on the crew.

I'm kidding, but you know what?

Let's actually take a moment to thank those hard-working crew guys.

And, yeah.

I want to thank those crew guys.

And also, also, I would like to congratulate them all on their January 6 pardons.

Good to have you back, fellas.

A lot of Tonys. A lot of Tonys.

Health experts are facing increased pressure this winter in the face of outbreaks of COVID,

the flu, RSV, and norovirus, which they're calling a quademic.

So we did the smart thing and packed every beloved entertainer over 60 into one tiny space.

SNL's first major cast change was in Season 2, when Chevy Chase left the show and was replaced by Kenan Thompson.

You know, me and Colin are actually the longest-serving Weekend Update anchors.

I've done Weekend Update for so long.

Next season, I'm co-hosting with my son, Bronny.

And since the 40th, we've lost the late, great Norm MacDonald, who hosted Weekend Update.

That's right.

Norm MacDonald, uh, who hosted Weekend Update until he was fired for making jokes about O.J. Simpson.

-and he's obviously one of my heroes. So if you're watching up there, I just want to say we love you, O.J.

Well, there's a lot going on in the world right now.

And here to tell us her thoughts on all of it is the girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation without a partner.

Hello, Michael. Hello, Colum. You know something different about me?

Oh, are you pregnant?

Wow. You just assume I'm pregnant just because I have a baby inside me. That's misogynastic.

Well, congratulations. We're so happy for you, and it's nice to see you.

Oh, is it nice, Michael? Yeah.

Yeah, is it nice to be on the verge of the apocalypse?

It's devastating. It's a constipational crisis. Literally, for me.

And it's like, do I even want to bring a baby into this world, or should I just, like, keep her in here for another three and a half years?

I don't think you can do that.

Oh! Oh, I guess you know more than my OBGNY.

Do a research, Michael.

Fact. 90% of babies born today will never know who your father is.

My father?

Yeah.

Three out of four kids got bullied, and only two of them deserve it.

What?

And there are people in Africa right now...

Was that it?

Yeah. There are people there now. You should know that, Michael. Read a phone.

So, can I do...

Can I do Elon's salute really quick?

No, no. Don't do that.

Okay, fine, fine. But hold this. I had to do this dance for work.

All right. I'm sorry. Where do you work?

I'm the press secretary at the White House.

It's just like, if people are so angry about DEI, it's like, we'll stop drinking and driving.

Bettina! Bettina!

Who are you talking to?

That's Bettina. She's a horrible person.

Oh.

It's like, at least now we have some good people in charge. Like, everyone's mad that R.F. Carls Jr. is a Nepo baby.

But his brain worm earned it. It ate its way to the top.

Oh, my God.

In collusion, it's like, why is no one talking about Luigi Womangioni?

Yeah. I just blew Michael Che. You're welcome.

Well, thank you. And by the way, can I ask who the father is?

You sure can!

Whoa!

Wow.

Huge reveal. Oh, my God.

Huge reveal.

Drunko, you two are together?

Yep, we're just a typical Hollywood couple.

You know, beautiful woman in her 30s, drunk idiot in her 70s.

So you're really gonna be a dad?

Hey, you know, if Alec Baldwin can do it.

You know, when I was a kid, you know, everyone was pregnant.

Okay?

It went, high school baby married Vietnam job you hate!

Okay?

But nowadays, it's just, oh, I'm sorry, can you yassify my chickpea pasta?

Oh, excuse me, excuse me, are these flare genes AI?

Ooh!

Oh, great! Oh, great! We're in a brave new world!

Not my Captain America!

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Drunk Uncle, this is not the...

Panama Canal is ours, garlic!

You ripped my...

You ripped my buttons!

I ripped your buttons off!

If I could turn back time!

If I...

...

Oh, my God!

I ripped your shirt!

That's okay!

Drunk Uncle!

So I'm not Landshark, okay?

Oh, God.

So I'm not Brian Fellows, Safari Planet, okay?

So I'm not musical guest, Timothee Chalamet!

...

Cheeburger!

Cheeburger!

Cheeburger!

Cheeburger!

Cheeburger!

Cheeburger!

Right, yes, right, from the 70s.

No, I misplaced four cheeseburgers!

Okay.

All right.

Well, Drunk Uncle, I'm sorry, but I think you might be too drunk.

...

Yeah, I tried to tackle Paul Simon!

But I missed, and now Sabrina Carpenter's dead!

Okay.

Drunk Uncle and Girl at a party, everyone.

He's not the girl!

I saw Bettina!

Bettina.

Bettina!

And now we will throw it over to you, Seth.

Thank you, Amy.

I really appreciate it.

You know, it's important that we spend some time tonight talking about Lorne Michaels, and no one knows him better than our next guest.

, please welcome Lorne's best friends from growing up.

Hi, guys.

So you know him better than anyone.

What's Lorne really like?

Oh, he's the best.

He's, like, relaxed and chill.

Yeah, he's super down-to-earth and approachable.

Like, we just love him.

We love him.

He's our buddy.

He's our Lorne.

Totally, yeah.

Um...

I will say...

, but sometimes it can be a little rude.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, like a month ago, he asked us to help him move.

And we're like, sure.

Of course.

Help you move.

Have, like, a little dinner or whatever.

So, we get there.

Lorne opens the door, and he's like, oh, you two.

And we're like, what?

You invited us.

, yes.

Who has us to be here?

So, you look around.

Nothing's packed.

Nothing's packed.

We're like, what?

What?

You haven't even started yet?

Okay?

Okay.

Then he starts pointing at paintings and saying, like, oh, this is from Steve.

This is from Paul.

This is from Mick.

Yeah, and it's like, does he mean Mick Jagger?

Just say it.

Just say Mick Jagger.

I'm sorry.

You guys have to speak up.

I don't think anybody can hear you.

, but also, it does sound like maybe Lorne can be a little difficult.

No.

No, no, no, no.

He's our friend.

He's our best friend.

Love him.

Easy breezy, crazy kind, like, all of it.

Um, I will say, he can be kind of, like, inconsiderate.

Like, we're packing his stuff for hours, and he's gone.

And he comes back, and I'm like, oh, hey, like, which bathroom can I use?

And he goes, he goes, there's a Starbucks across the street.

But you have to buy something first, so get me a latte?

What?

We're helping you move.

Like, we're helping you.

Yeah, and you guys have to speak up.

But it seems like maybe you guys aren't that good at friends with him.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

He's our best friend.

He's our person.

He's like our person.

My first phone call, my emergency contact.

He gets all my organs if I die.

Like, I love him so much.

But anyway, it's like, it's nighttime.

And he's like, he's like, I'm going to dinner.

Keep at it.

And we're like, we're like, we've been packing your stuff all day.

Where are we supposed to eat?

And he goes, by the way, you two look, I don't think you need help finding food.

And then he goes, he goes, you guys had a problem with me from the moment you walked in here.

You didn't ask me how my day was or notice my haircut.

You don't understand how much pressure I'm under.

NBC is breathing down my neck.

Peacock is making a hundred documentaries and they don't even give me a free membership.

Guys, I can barely hear you, but it sounds like you have a deeply dysfunctional relationship with him.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

It's kind of like how you feel about Colin and Che.

Oh, come on.

No, I love Colin and Che.

They're the best.

.

I will say, like, I do feel like their chemistry is like a work in progress.

Seth Meyers, everybody.

Lauren's best friends for growing up, everybody.

Well, you guys, if you may have seen in the lead up to the 50th anniversary, there have been a lot of SNL related lists and rankings.

And we'll start with number one.

And this is, by default, Michael Che.

Now we'll move on to the regular weekend update.

Regular?

What the hell do you mean regular?

These are in no particular order, so I've listed them from worst to best.

Okay.

Okay.

Now, I had you for a second.

No, you'll...

Don't worry.

Don't worry.

Numbers nine, eight, and seven.

Okay?

Heads up.

Kevin Nealon.

Come on.

Janet Miller.

And Seth Meyers.

I just wish we had the time tonight to say something nice about any of them.

Yeah.

We actually do probably have enough time.

Yeah.

We're right here at six now.

Okay?

All right.

Colin, this could be you.

Huh?

Is it?

No, it is not.

The next two are controversial.

This was tough.

I'm going to put Tina and Amy just ahead of Tina and Jimmy.

Okay?

I'm sorry, Jimmy.

I'm sorry.

And congratulations, Tina.

It was close, but I checked online, and Girl on Girl is still, like, very, very popular.

OK.

Next up, Cornelius Crane Chase, who we've all come to know as Connie.

Let's face it, Weekend Update simply would not exist without him.

So, it would be wrong to have him listed at anywhere but number four.

Number three, Jane Curtin and Danny Ackroyd.

The true story, I was the first to call Jane an ignorant slut backstage.

Danny had the brilliant idea to say it on camera and really, really mean it.

Number two is Norm MacDonald.

He may have been the best ever, but more importantly, he made me, for one, ask the question of myself,

could O.J. possibly have done it?

So, that brings us to number one.

Colin?

Got a good feeling about this.

OK.

Number one is funny.

He's got a great smile.

Ha!

And he's currently sleeping every kind of way with the lovely actress Scarlett Johansson.

Of course, I'm talking about my brother, Brian Doyle Moore.

I'm told, I'm told he's a very, very considerate lover.

That's it.

I couldn't be happier to be here.

Bill Murray, everybody.

I apologize.

I'm Michael Che.

, good night!

Ian Peacock.

Thank you all for coming.

I'm General Fairfax with the U.S. Space Force.

This is Dr. Tyler from SETI.

...

We are eager to talk to you as you have all experienced a verified alien abduction.

This is wild.

One minute, we're three friends slamming Miller Tallboys behind a Dollar Tree. Now we're sitting at the Pentagon.

Hey, I've been meaning to ask, like, why do you call it the Pentagon when it's only got five sides?

Because a shape with five sides is called the Pentagon.

I don't think that's right.

We'll look into it.

Now, uh, let's start with how you were all brought aboard the spacecraft.

Well, this-this-this beam of light appeared from the bottom of the ship, floated me up like a-like a soft hand beckoning me.

Same, same.

Uh, and we met these two beautiful glowing aliens who took our hands and said, welcome.

I-I-I've never felt so safe.

And you, Miss Rafferty?

Yeah, a little different for me.

I was less, uh, cradled by light and more grabbed by a giant rusty claw, which yanked me right out of my slacks.

So, I'm pantsless, right? I'm folded in half like a wallet, nips to knees.

I'm getting winched skyward with my vagety and my tragedy flapping in the breeze.

And I'm tossed into the bottom of the ship.

I see my old pals, the gray aliens with the big dumb eyes.

And, Mrs. Rafferty, I'm told this is your fifth time being abducted by these gray aliens?

Yeah.

Only other place I've been pantsless five times is Six Flags.

OK, well, let's move past that.

Uh, now, what happened next in the upper part of the ship?

Well, uh, the smart aliens bathed us in this glowing liquid that erased all my pain.

My-my bad knee didn't even hurt. I-I busted a few years back playing paintball.

Competitive.

-OK, don't know why you winked at me after saying that, but let's continue. Were you also bathed in this light, sir?

Yes, ma'am. Uh, it felt better than any drug, including the ones I'm on right now.

-OK, see, now that really tweaks my cheeks, because down in Steerage, the mood was tense.

Strange. Now, what do you think could have caused this reaction?

Well, between you, me, and Jesus, see, I think it had to do with the state of my down-there hair.

Because remember, I'm-I'm Donald Duckin' it, OK? Shirt, no pants.

So my poke bowl and my smokey hole are out.

And pubically speaking, nature has reclaimed the earth.

Last time I had a Brazilian down there, it was 2002. His name was Diego, and he got strep throat.

-I don't know, who-who mows the lawn in winter, am I right?

Amen!

OK, I'll-I'll ask you maybe not to say amen to that kind of comment.

Ms. Rafferty, I'm failing to see what your unkempt private area has to do with the alien's demeanor.

OK, my theory is, I think they thought it was an animal.

Because, wait, Kermit, do you mind? Here, look.

-but first, they don't-they didn't know if it was friendly, so they're cautious, and they're kind of-they're going up, tapping it, and then going.

And then-then the alpha comes in, and he challenges it, right? He goes like this.

And then-so he gives a thumbs up, like, we're good, it's tame.

And then, whoa, it's playtime. And then one of them-sorry, Dusty, do you mind?

one of them comes up under it.

Puts it on like a wig.

He's doing this. He's, like, doing prop comedy.

And then another one, he's trying to-he's so excited, he's, like, wrestling with it.

Like it's his brother pulling me all around the room.

So I look down, I see a guy between my legs with a smile on his face, and I'm like, I don't know, first time for everything.

Amen.

Okay, again, not a thing to say amen to.

Anyway, this goes on about 15 minutes until who comes through the door but my friggin' mother, Colleen Senior.

Yes, we actually had some questions for her as well.

Yes.

I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.

Sorry, sorry, my bathroom break took longer than I thought. My number one turned into a number three.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

-hey, man, you gotta stop.

Please, stop.

Stop.

Anyways, I still had my pants on

when, uh, they took me.

But it was good, that was good,

because much like her,

I got an into-the-woods sort of a situation.

And my ex used to say

that it was, like, trying to hack his way

through the Black Forest.

Okay.

OK.

I feel like we're off track.

Um, you said that after arriving

on the ship, the aliens lost interest and, quote, stuck you in a closet? Yeah. Yeah. Can you believe that? I mean, I'm used to being stuffed into closets, but it's usually, you know, when the guy's wife comes home late or something. Or early or whatever. Anyway, so I'm... All of a sudden, I hear the screaming, this one. And so I just kind of bust out of that.

I just bust out, and I just kick those little... I just kick those little pervs away. Wow. You are a good mama. Yeah. Well, a good mother can also be a bad girl. What's your name, mustache? Okay. Can we not do any of that right now, please?

All exit the spacecraft. That same soft light picked me up and placed me back in my bed. Me too. That light even tucked me in, which was so thoughtful of it.

And how did you two depart the spacecraft? Well, in the past, I've just been pushed out of a hatch, but this time, that's what happened, too.

Yeah, but my pants got snagged on a piece of metal, so they're gone. And then, uh, as for underwear, underwear-wise, you know, this devil wears nada.

Basically, we just, uh, kind of, it was a free fall for 40 feet with our carpets and our tar pits on full display. Yeah.

We crash through a ceiling. We land ass up on top of Phil McDermott. Yeah. And who is Phil McDermott? He's a gentleman whose family, I bet, wished they went with the clothes casket funeral.

That's not the worst thing my mom and I have done in a church. Okay. Let's, let's, please, let's not finish that story at all. Thank you for your candor. We're gonna take you for some psychological tests now. Oh, we'll save you the trouble. Fail.

That's a wrap. It was early. Only 50 bucks. Oh, young man. Oh, my God. Lorraine Newman. Would you mind keeping this studio open a few minutes longer? Of course. Take as long as you need.

Oh, God. 50 years. Excuse me? What up? Oh, you startled me. That's all. I thought I was alone. I'm Lorraine. Newman? Okay. Well, what's your name?

Chad. Well, hi, Chad. I'm sorry to disturb you. I just, I used to work here. Back when the show first started. Hey. Oh, Chad. Chad, do you think maybe you could take a five-minute break? I was hoping to have a quiet moment in here. Okay. Actually, would you join me? It might be nice to have some company.

Wow, look at us. Look at our clothes. Gay. God, I was so young. But you know what I had back in 1975? Big-ass bush? No, Chad. I had ambition. We all did. But, God, we were terrified.

. Okay. Chad, would you do me a favor? Eh? Do me. Would you put a follow spot on me? I just want to feel what it's like to walk onto that stage one more time. Okay.

I can almost see my old friends.

I have so many wonderful memories here. I'm sure you do, too. I hope you realize how lucky you are to work here, Chad.

Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Sandler. Yeah, baby! Let's hear it for Jack, baby! Jack made it out tonight! Love you, brother. Okay, here we go.

Everyone in this room has something in common. All of our lives were changed by the show. Everyone in this room has something else in common. None of us were allowed to use the little bathroom in Lorne's office. Fifty years. Fifty years.

Paddling Night Live's been on for fifty years. Fifty years of your sketch killing at read-through and finding out they didn't pick it because the host didn't want to take off his shirt.

Fifty years of Tuesday late-night pizza. Thirty-five years of Pepto-Bismol from Nurse Teresa.

Yeah, baby!

That a baby, Wally!

That a baby, Wally!

Fifty years of writers seeing Spielberg at Lorne's monitors. Not laughing at one of their sketches that he obviously hated. Fifty years of those same writers then getting wasted at the after party. And loudly telling everybody that Jaws was overrated. Fifty years of Frank calling some New York magazine critic.

Fifty years of finding out your favorite musician's anti-Semitic. Fifty years of asking an intern to pick up your laundry at 2.30 a.m.

Not realizing that the intern was Martin Scorsese's kid. Or Nora Ephron's kid. Or Randy Newman's kid. Or whoever Lorne had dinner with on Wednesday night's kid. Fifty years of cast members saying I'm not getting on enough. Their spirits are broken and their hearts are full of malice.

Wizarding.

Then he's coming on to tell Lorne how they really feel. Then chickening out and saying, hey Lorne, I knitted this scarf for Alice.

Fifty years of waking up Sunday afternoon depressed. Fifty years of Downy not writing the cold open till five minutes before dress.

And, Colin, 50 years of wondering who's going to take over the show when Lorne retires. But everyone knows that the answer is, of course, Speedy.

That a baby, Speedy!

50 years of young comedians getting hired for the show. From Stand Up, Ground Lane, Second City, and all the rest.

50 years of cast members saying, I think our cast is the greatest of all time. But we all know that the first cast was the best. And because of them...

We got four years of Eddie Murphy, eight years of Will Forte, five years of Chan Hooks and Gilda, six of Victoria, eleven of Che.

Three years of Melanie Hutzel, Michael McKee, and Crushed It, and two. One of Billy Crystal, six of Dennis Miller, eight of Harbin the Glove, seven years of Dratch and Wick, five years of Lowe, Terry and Quinn, four of Kazarenski and Klingon, eleven of Armisen,

.

Eighteen of Audrey Dickman and Davey Wilson, plus Among and Disco and Bobby Van Rye, thirty years of Downey, forty-five years of Lorne, six years of our boy Farley, five of our buddy Norm.

Fifty years of one of us getting to say, live from New York, it's Saturday night. Fifty years of standing on home base, waving good night and goodbye. Fifty years of the best times of our lives.

All right!

Thank you, Lorne!

Tuesday on NBC and Peacock.

Hot dogs and heroin! Get your hot dogs and heroin here!

Hello, kind sir. We just moved here from the small towns we grew up in.

That's right. We're both young and the same age.

And we have dreams of making it big here in New York City.

You're moving to New York? Now? It's 1975. New York is dying. It's a bankrupt hellhole.

Oh, it is? Well, let's get out of here.

No. We're poets and dreamers and New York is where we belong. So, one hot dog with heroin, please.

Very well. Hot dog and heroin, tell these boys what New York City is all about.

Baby, look at me. And tell me what you'll see. This old city is going to hell. Trash and urine is all you can smell. Living in shame.

You're gonna get shot in a taxi. You're gonna get stabbed on the train. Trash and urine. The president told us to drop dead. Baby, remember the shame.

La Von Uber in space.

The law is full of reopening. The state's going to hell. Seattle talks come down.

Oh, gotcha. Natalie talks come down.

My name is聞so.hargon, city talks come down.

Whoa! Where are we now, John?

It's the 1980's. We're at a power lunch on Wall Street.

Oh, New York is fine now?

If you're white, yes.

Wow!

And it will be white as well.

Whoa! Where are we now, John?

Whoa!

It's the 1980s.

We're at a power lunch on Wall Street.

Oh, New York is fine now?

If you're white, yes!

Yes. It's all thanks to the boom on the stock market and a new diet that's been sweeping the city.

Need no sleeping for a couple of days. It's a power mix that tricks your dicks. Cocaine and some vodka. Cocaine and some vodka. Cocaine and some vodka. Wow, I bet Disney's gonna be psyched. Yeah, but won't all this Wall Street money make it harder for artists like me to afford to live here?

the square will be transformed from pimps and pornographers into something even filthier. Cartoon mascots. But the old guard will not go quietly.

Look down. Look down. You're standing in my grave. Look down, you fool. This city I have sank. Pimps like you will never change. I swear I do.

No, you're thinking so is dead. My two tears to parade. The tourists will pose next to me. And maybe also have sex with me. Or you'll see how there he goes.

But look, it's...

It's the one who will unite them. The one character in Times Square who's family friendly but also a prostitute. The green M&M.

I dreamed a dream of times gone by.

When I was high on meth and Skittles.

So different than it used to be. So different from this hell I'm living. So different now than it used to be.

But Giuliani killed the dream. I dreamed.

Kristen. Kristen, what are you doing? You didn't stop. Kristen.

God bless you. What are you doing?

That's right. Rudolph Giuliani. Here in post 9-11 New York, the city has rallied like never before.

Oh!

Rudy. Rudy, you're America's mayor. You're beloved all across the country. This is your big shot. What are you gonna do with it?

Simple.

I am throwing away my shot. I am throwing away my shot. Hey yo, I'm just like my city. I'm drunk, corrupt and crazy. And I am throwing away my shot.

Everybody sing...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

How do you want me to blow me, y'all?

Rise up. Election conspiracy is gonna rise up.

I'll plant the seeds in there. Rise up. He's getting crazy, five degrees. Gonna rise up. Till I get this ball. You'll never rise up. I am throwing away my shot.

Reputation's gonna burn up my shot. And you're just like your city, but please spare me your pity. And he is throwing away... I am throwing away my shot.

His shot.

Then after Michael Bloomberg took New York to New Heights...

In terms of how unaffordable it became...

Great impression. And...

Bill de Blasio brought us universal pre-K and universal marijuana...

Hey, that's not nice.

The Honorable Mayor Eric Adams brought swagger back to NYC.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Homeless dudes who wanna push people onto the subway tracks, they got that swagger back, baby.

Whoo!

And somehow New York today feels like it's back in the 70s. Back on Skid Row.

That's right. Skid Row.

Oh, oh, my God. Who hit you? Colin?

No, not this time. You see, there's a new menace on the streets of our city.

Suddenly e-bikes. They're flying around me. They're up on the sidewalk. But they're better than cars.

Suddenly e-bikes.

I'm trying to kill you.

It's like a road bike from Mad Max.

Delivering alcohol.

I mean...

Then why even live in New York anymore? It's too loud. It's too dangerous.

They give rats free birth control, but not human women?

I mean, if this is what New York is, I'm out.

I'm out.

Wait, Pete. And where did Spade go, by the way?

Oh, uh, he sat back down in the audience.

Yeah, I got a feel for it.

Pete.

Pete, before you turn your back on New York, remember what this city gave you.

Herpes?

...

No, the city didn't give you that. I meant remember how this city inspired you.

Just because the art scene and the music scene are dead and the city is a bunch of TD Banks and Le Penco Titians, you can't just give up.

...

I'm just asking you, nay, all of us here, to still believe in the power of New York and to give the city we love...

Us.

One day more.

Another day, another destiny. Still have a horse and carriage? How can it be?

Even though it's full of crime, there's no place else I'd spend my time. One day more.

...

Ladies and gentlemen, 17-time host, Alec Baldwin.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Good evening, everyone.

I'm Alec Baldwin.

I should have corrected you about that a long time ago.

...

Um...

The, uh...

I'm here to introduce some of the best commercial parodies to ever appear on Saturday Night Live.

I'm also...

I'd also like to thank the fine folks who are sponsoring this segment.

Are you having trouble falling asleep?

Reach for After Update.

Nothing puts people...

Nothing puts people to sleep faster than the sketches that air After Update.

And also, third-year veneers.

All new cast members arrive here with no money and gacked-up teeth.

But by year three, you better believe they're getting third-year veneers.

Right, Sarah?

You bet, Alec!

And it does never bite into an apple.

And now, without further ado, here are some commercials.

...

You kids go ahead.

I want to have a talk with your old grandma.

You're still having control problems, aren't you?

You just don't feel confident, Harvey.

Come with me.

I want to let you in on a little secret.

Here we are.

It's Oops! I crapped my pants.

I logged a lot of miles training for that day.

And I downed a lot of donuts.

A little chalk of donuts have been on my training table since I was a kid.

...

Well, there's fiber, and then there's high fiber.

Mmm.

Bowlin'Blow.

Wow!

I think I get the picture!

Get the edge.

A chia edge.

Hi, I'm Mel. We're Mel's Jar Palace.

Where you find your own cow, you cut your own steaks.

Wilson Trapdoors.

...

Hedley & Watch.

The British toothpaste.

But can it copy your ass?

The Xerox 790 ass jet can.

So why not share the most intimate moment of them all...

with...

the Love Toilet?

...

The Canon AE-1.

A camera so simple, even Stevie Wonder can use it.

Robots are everywhere, and they eat old people's medicine for fuel.

...

Now there's a company that offers coverage against the unfortunate event of a robot attack.

Old glory insurance.

It's Happy Fun Ball!

Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs.

...

This Mother's Day, give her something that says,

I'm not a woman anymore.

I'm a mom.

But I'm your mom, G.

With Tylenol BM, I know I'm going to get a good night's sleep.

I sleep through my first dump in the morning.

Don!

Did you have a bitch?

How about new Crackle Note Flakes?

Now with ecstasy.

Ooh!

Nutriquick.

Anal suppository.

Pepto-bismol ice.

Jon Hamm's Jon Hamm.

Crystal gravy.

Baby spanks.

Baby toothpaste.

G.O.B. Tampons.

Made for a woman by Republicans.

With Roomba.

It's a robot, and it cleans my business.

My lady business.

And I like that.

Using Bosley's breakthrough technique, hair is harvested from the mezzanine and brought to the head.

...

Now that's what I call a taco.

Well, it's not a Taco Town taco until we roll it up in a blueberry pancake.

TACO TOWN!

It's almost pizza.

Pizza that's practically pizza in every way, except for a few key ones.

I'll eat it.

No!

This ain't a T-shirt, it's a Z-shirt.

Is that an A-shirt?

Um, absolutely not.

Is it a B-shirt?

No, man.

Is it a C-shirt?

No.

It's a Z-shirt.

...

Swiftamine.

For when you realize you love Taylor Swift.

Hey, babe!

We need those Sotinos!

What's going on back there?

I love Duncan, guy.

What are you talking about?

For real?

Hey, you can't smoke in here, man.

I'm not, Mark.

I'm not smoking in here.

You're smoking in here.

Cigarettes outside.

I don't see a cigarette.

It's coming in through the tracks.

Ivanka.

Complicit.

...

Toilet Death Ejector.

Ozempic for Ramadan.

Heroin AM.

E-Meth.

Xanax for Gay Summer Weddings.

Cialis for Three Ways.

Nuva Bling.

Undercover Office Potty.

Bathroom Cobra.

Bro Game.

...

Eye-opening.

Royal Deluxe 2.

It's not a dirty.

For the smile that says...

Yuck.

Introducing wells for sensitive little boys.

From Fisher Price.

You don't want to do the commercial anymore?

Okay.

Okay, he wants to go back to the well.

I agree.

I think Jenna needs a vacation.

I agree.

Hello, hello.

Hello.

Hi, I'm Jodi.

Hi, I'm Betty.

Welcome to Bronx Beat.

Yes.

It's a very special episode because we are coming to you from the SNL 50th Anniversary Show.

That's right.

Ooh la la.

I am seeing so many icons.

...

What an incredible night.

Out there we got very famous people in the audience.

Actor.

Actor.

Conan O'Brien.

Actor.

Actor.

Actor.

And look at this guy.

Oh yeah.

Look at this guy.

He's a cutie.

Hey, hi.

Hi, who are you?

Who are you?

Hi, cutie.

What are you doing?

I'm an actor.

Okay.

Oh, you know what?

Honey, get up here.

Talk to us up close.

Come on.

Hurry up.

Hurry up.

We don't have time.

...

The show's 30 minutes long.

Okay.

Okay.

So, tell us your name, honey.

Who are you?

Miles Teller.

Oooh.

You're cute, Miles.

You're cute.

Miles.

I like your smile.

Yeah.

Miles is smiles for my y'all.

Smiley Teller.

So you're an actor.

So what's that like?

Tell us.

You know what, Miles?

If I was an actor and I had to kiss someone in a movie, I would immediately fall in love.

You know, it's actually not very romantic.

If my job was to be in movies and do love scenes, I'd be in jail.

Yeah.

So, Miles, we want to know every little single thing about you. How'd you get your start?

Well, I really caught the acting bug when I was a sophomore in high school in Florida.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no, no.

Don't start that far back.

Okay.

We don't have that kind of time.

Yeah, Miles, we're not immortal.

Yeah.

Okay.

Stick to the highlights, Miles.

.

What do we know you from?

Well, I was in Top Gun Maverick.

Okay.

There we go.

We've seen that.

We've seen that.

Look at you.

Look at you in Top Gun 2.

Top Gun 2.

It's actually Top Gun Maverick.

Oh, Top Gun 2.

Top Gun 2.

Top Gun 2.

Look at you, little cutie Top Gun 2.

I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of you in Top Gun 2 with Tom Cruise.

Who'd you play?

Who'd you play?

I played Rooster.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay, Rooster.

I remember you.

That was you playing football on the beach, tussling with Tom Cruise, huh?

Let me ask you a question, Rooster.

You like to tussle?

You like to tussle?

You like to tussle on the beach?

You're a tussler?

You're a tussler?

Huh?

You're a world-class tussler?

I bet you like to tussle.

I bet you do.

I bet you like to tussle with Tom Cruise on the beach.

I bet you do.

You like to tussle?

Cock-a-doodle-doo.

Cock-a-doodle-doo and Top Gun 2.

Top Gun Maverick.

Oh, well, yeah.

I'm never gonna call it that.

.

Sit down, Rooster.

Goodbye.

He's cute.

He's cute.

He's cute.

He should be an actor.

He's cute.

Well, alright.

Well, that's all the time we have.

It's a very packed show.

Betty, let's get out of here, you know?

We could go get some coffee or something.

Is somebody talking about coffee?

Oh, my God!

It's Linda Richman, everybody!

We're not worthy!

We're not worthy!

We're not worthy!

.

Touch my monkey!

Touch my monkey!

Oh, you're not worthy!

Six and six!

Okay.

Oh, my God!

Linda, look at you!

It's so good to see you.

Thank you for stopping by.

Well, I was at Zay Bar's picking up a noodle kugel.

And I thought I'd come up and see the girls.

You know, no big woe.

Oh, Linda, we are thrilled you are here.

You look wonderful.

Thank you.

Look at you.

Both of you.

You look like butter.

Skin just like butter.

Oh, my God!

Linda, come on!

Linda, stop it!

...

Oh, come on.

Look at you.

Two big sticks of butter.

That's what you are.

Well, I do use a salve on my skin that is made of stem cells and snail mucin.

I think it's snail sperm.

Yeah.

Well, and I have been drinking only six nights a week.

Good for you.

Good for you.

Good for you.

Good for you.

So, tell us, Linda, how is our mutual friend Paul Baldwin?

...

Well, our dear friend, Paul Baldwin, is in a clinic here in the city.

He's got advanced spilkis in his...

They flew him up from Boca Raton in an iron lung.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Poor Paul.

What a shanda.

Poor Baldwin.

It's terrible.

I'm just telling you right now, I'm getting a little verklempt.

Talk amongst yourselves.

I'll give you a topic.

The progressive era was neither progressive nor an era.

I think I'm going to pull through.

You're all right.

Thanks, God.

Poo, poo, poo.

So, Linda, how are you doing?

Well, it's been a tough year so far.

Oh, no.

Linda, what's wrong?

I have a hematoma prenomia infractrum.

Long story short, my zorch is on fire.

I had to have it moved up four inches, you know, where my belly button used to be.

I can't wear belts.

Wait.

you're what?

Your zorch?

My zorch.

Your what?

Your zorch?

My zorch.

I think she means her downtown area.

Oh, all right, all right, all right.

Yes, yes.

And sit-ups are out of the question, for sure.

Give me a break.

Who wants to do sit-ups?

Who does?

You know what I want to do?

Sit down.

Exactly.

Yes.

You know who likes sitting down?

My stupid husband.

Here we go.

Yeah, I heard about the husband.

All he does is sit around and watch Outlander reruns on Starz.

So dumb.

Yeah.

Now she's getting verklempt.

, yes, I know.

Here comes the waterworks.

Okay.

So stupid.

But I love him so much.

I know, I know.

Gave me my four children.

I want him to live forever.

I know.

All right, well, you better pray he doesn't get, and I'm never going to be able to say

this.

.

Gazoink in is gazoinky-zoink.

Now I'm getting verklempt.

Here she goes.

I'm getting verklempt.

And I verklempt too.

Okay, well, everybody's crying.

My SSRIs must be booming, because I don't feel a thing.

Yes.

I'm a shell.

Can I just say something?

Can I just say something?

We're all miracles.

Maybe the secret of life is that there are no big whoops, only a series of small agonizing

whoops.

You are so right, Linda.

Bring it in.

You are so right, Linda.

You know what?

The whole world's gonna blow up.

Yeah, who cares?

Smoke them if you got them.

Exactly.

Have a glass of wine.

So what?

Who cares?

Have two glasses of wine.

Who cares?

Yeah, you know what, ladies?

You know what we should do?

We should go for a glass of wine.

Right now.

You know what?

Bad news.

It's raining.

But good news.

It's sweater weather.

Sweater weather.

Sweater weather.

Sweater weather.

Sweater weather.

We're gonna have some wine.

Let's go.

Sweater weather.

We're gonna have some wine.

We're gonna have some wine.

We're gonna have some wine.

as we celebrate the achievements of the past 50 years, we must also take a moment to honor those who we've lost.

Countless members of the SNL family taking from us too soon.

I'm speaking, of course, about SNL characters and sketches that have aged horribly.

But even though these characters, accents, and let's just call them ethnic wigs, were unquestionably in poor taste, you all laughed at them.

So if anyone should be cancelled, shouldn't it be you, the audience?

Something to think about.

Anyway, we now present to you this in memoriam.

the last time, it's not the food.

Well, why don't you drop out of that green jumpsuit and show me that fat ass?

Hey, sexy.

What do you say we adjourn to the janitor's closet, drop chow, and see if I can hit baby?

I've been at the library researching cloaking spells.

We are originally ruled by Champaglia, you know?

It looks like this is my lucky day.

I'll take the rapists for 200.

That's therapists.

Don't look at my bum.

I don't look at your bum.

I made a little video diary to show everybody how it is to be a host here.

I made my grandmother's special recipe for Cocker Spaniel.

Oh, right, Margaret.

You wanted prime rib, okay?

I know it's not your first choice, but keep in mind, you're a dog.

That ain't probably the other way.

All right, that's coming.

Jane, you ignorant slut.

They got guys dancing with guys, girls dancing with girls, guys who look like girls dancing with girls.

They're gay, all right?

You don't even know what gay is.

I'm Peter Zane, queer bows.

Jay Hitler, everyone.

I didn't like it the first time when it was called Chasing Amy.

Just shut up, you ass!

Oh, my God.

Ben Affleck just yelled at that mentally challenged guy.

No, I didn't.

Run, throw, and catch like a girl Olympics.

Winner is...

For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be noted that that joke was written by a woman.

No, I'm just kidding. We don't hire women.

Happy holidays to everyone except New Jersey.

Oh, my God.

What the hell is that?

Please welcome Ma Xu Quinn, Xu Chao, and Lee Hai.

Welcome to the celebrity battle of the sexes and races.

O.J. Simpson.

You know you're a pretty beautiful woman, huh?

Robert Blake, Puff Daddy.

Don't judge a book by his color.

My man is like R. Kelly.

Thank you to R. Kelly.

I'm Jared Fogle from Subway.

Black trash.

Jungle bunny.

Hunky.

Spade.

Hunky hunky.

Dead hunky.

...

Well, you know, it's a celebration. I'm thinking some bubbly.

Yeah, let's do it.

I love that.

Yeah, it's great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here you go, guys.

Thank you.

All right.

Cheers.

Party!

SNL 50!

Cheers!

Have you seen the latest study on alcohol?

...

Even one drink can significantly slash life expectancy.

You're enjoying your day.

Everything's going your way.

Then along comes Debbie Downer.

Always there to tell you about a new disease.

A car accident or killer bees.

You beg her to spare you.

Debbie, please.

But you can't stop Debbie Downer.

...

Okay, I think, you know, sometimes you just gotta celebrate.

I mean, this is such a special night.

I agree.

To SNL, here's to another 50 years!

Hey!

Cheers!

Cheers!

This helps humanity last that long.

At this point, it looks like we're going the way of the white rhino.

What are you talking about?

There are only two left in captivity, and they're both female.

Well, here is a toast.

...to all of the friends we've made.

Both old and new.

Aw.

Two friends!

Hey, amen to that.

Yes!

Hey, just a heads up.

We don't have any eggs.

What?

Why would we want eggs?

Bird Blue's on the rampage.

Millions of fowl have already been culled.

Debbie, we're trying to have fun, okay?

We're trying to have a nice time.

Why don't you go take five?

Believe me, I'd love to sit down.

My right foot is throbbing.

Pretty sure it's my old friend, Gout.

Thank you.

, thank you.

Well...

Hey!

Hey, Bobby!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Nice to see you.

Um, excuse me.

I'm just, I'm such a big fan.

Oh.

No, it's good to see you.

That's it.

Uh, can I have a tequila and a soda with a straw?

You talking to me?

...

You talking to me?

Is that supposed to be a joke?

No, I'm asking.

I have dry eye and it's hard to discern if you were talking to me.

No.

Just give me a drink.

Uh, okay, sure.

Coming right up.

Here you go.

There you go with that.

And...

There you go.

...

Kinda surprised you want a straw.

Why's that?

Microplastics.

At this point, we're all walking landfills.

Odds are they've already taken up residence in your testes.

...

Debra, I'm gonna talk now and you're gonna shut it.

I do not appreciate this conversation.

I don't wanna talk about plastic in my balls.

I wanna laugh and feel joy and have a sliver of hope for three goddamn hours of my life.

That's all I want.

...

I came here tonight to get a little friggin' break from our world right now.

Which is like living under a...

In a...

In a full diaper.

Diapers are a leading culprit in the microplastic saga.

No, Bobby! No, Bobby! No, Bobby! No, Bobby! No, Bobby! Bobby! Bobby! Stop, Bobby!

Bobby! Bobby! It's not worth it! It's not worth it!

She thinks she's helping, okay?

My kids taught me to think the best of people.

...

In a criminal lifestyle.

McIntosh! May! Get in here!

All right, here it comes!

On...

Your...

Feet!

Sit your asses down!

...

Before I kill somebody in this mother...

There you go.

All right.

My name is Lorenzo...

...

And my name is...

All the way Ray May.

Because I don't do nothing halfway.

What day in here for, Chief?

Let me guess.

Manipulating crypto...

Market?

...

I...

No, no.

That's a terrible guess.

No.

No, I caught these little bozos shoplifting.

Oh, shoplifting, huh?

Oh, it starts with shoplifting.

Guess where it ends?

Gemicide!

What?

What?

Boy!

You better listen up!

You think you tough?

Huh?

You real street?

Well, guess what?

...

When I was a boy...

I watched both my parents die in these streets.

That's right.

And the family that adopted him...

Made him sleep under the staircase.

Until one day I got a letter...

From an owl telling me...

I had to report to some kind of school for wizards.

Is that what you want?

Huh?

You and Hermione gotta stop he who must not be named...

Before he gets his hands on the sorcerer's stone?

Cause this here is real!

That's definitely Harry Potter.

Hey!

Boy!

You better...

No!

No!

Shut your damn mouth!

Shut your damn mouth!

You must be out your mind.

Cause in prison there'll be a dude entering your chamber of secrets.

And he'll be slipping right into your ass caban.

Yeah.

You not gonna be in Hogwarts.

There'll be warts on your hog...

From all the Hufflepuffins!

Then the dude I would describe as serious black...

...

Is gonna wave his wine in your face...

And say...

Expecto fellatio!

Hey!

Hey!

No, no, no!

Absolutely not!

Get over here!

Come on now!

Come on!

Expecto fellatio!

...

Come on!

That's a children's book!

Come on!

Apologize!

That's on us, Chief!

You know?

We stepped on the line, that's just a two-point shot.

Now, which one of y'all is the ringleader?

...

Well, I didn't realize it was National Rat Out of Latino Day.

Get on your damn feet!

Oh, yeah, look at them pretty brown eyes.

They gonna love you in prison, Arianna Pacquino.

Now, why'd you shoplift, huh?

...

Uh, I was just trying to impress my girlfriend.

She thick as hell.

You think I never tried to impress a woman?

You know, once I was a 400-pound professor?

Huh?

And I fell in love with Jay Pinkett?

But he was ashamed of his weight, so he drank a serum that turned him into buddy love.

Isn't that what you want, huh?

Huh?

Isn't it?

...

Then you go to a den at the clump's house, and you realize that everybody at the table is the same person!

Cuz this is real!

Yo, okay, that's almost certainly the nutty professor.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

I'm a fan of the film!

Come on!

These are children, fellas, alright?

30-year-old children!

Come on!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

�ός!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

How about you?

All back of the film?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

to town, and it'd be Santos comin' in your brain! No! No! No, God! Come on, good God! Close that thing! No, get outta here, man! All right, let's go! Come on, all three! Let's go! That's no way! No way! No thank you, that's okay! That's okay! Fred, come on! Fred, we gotta go! Fred, we gotta go, man! We gotta go, okay? Come on! Boy!

Look, I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know how that would be helpful, you know? Ask what Brad can do for you! Hey, come on, enough! I'm sorry, that's too much. Let's go! No, it's too much, that's all right, you already apologized.

...

...

Hello, y'all! I am Garrett Morris.

Uh, wait a minute, are there any cops in the audience?

Then I am Garrett Morris, okay?

And way back there, when I joined the cast of Saturday Night Live, I had no idea, y'all, that I would be required to do so many reunion shows. But here I am, okay? Now look ahead, this film you're gonna see. It's a great film made by my man Tom Schiller in 1978.

bolists, likes and enjoys the entire cast. So sit back, relax and enjoy Look Back In Anger.

I guess this is my style.

Yeah, they all thought I'd be the first to go.

I was one of those live fast, die young, leave a good-looking corpse types, you know?

Well, I guess they were wrong.

Here they are, all my friends.

This is the not-ready-for-prime-time cemetery.

Yeah. Here's Gilda Radner.

She had her own show on Canadian television for years and years, the Gilda Radner Show.

Well, at least now I can see her on reruns.

Here's a button, God bless her.

Here's where Lorraine is.

They say she murdered her DJ husband.

Then, uh, moved to the valley in California and had a pecan farm.

She was this big when she died.

Jane Curtin.

She married a stockbroker, had two children, moved to upstate New York.

She died for complications during cosmetic surgery.

It was Garret Morris.

Now, Garret, Garret left the show and then worked in the black theater for years.

And he died of an overdose of heroin.

Here's Bill Murray.

He lived the longest.

Thirty-eight years.

He was happy when he died, though.

He'd just grown his mustache back.

Probably still growing.

Over here's...

Chevy Chase.

He died right after his first movie with Goldie Hawn.

Over here...

This is Danny Ackroyd.

I guess he loved his Harley too much.

They clocked him at 175 miles an hour before the crash.

It was a blur.

I had to be called in to identify his body.

I recognized him by his webbed toes.

Yeah?

Yep.

The Saturday night show was the best experience of my life.

And now they're all gone.

And I miss every one of them.

Why me?

Why did I live so long?

They're all dead.

I'll tell you why.

Because I'm a dancer.

And I will sing the lullaby.

Once there was a way...

To get back homeward.

Once there was a way...

And I will sing the lullaby.

Lord, you're gonna carry that weight.

Carry that weight.

A long time.

You're gonna carry that weight.

Carry that weight.

A long time.

I never give you my pillow.

I never give you my pillow I only send you my invitations And in the middle of the celebration I pray down

Oh yeah, alright! Oh, you're gonna be in my dream tonight!

And in the end,