Original subtitles

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart As much as you ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump into The final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪♪

What?

Happy anniversary.

Hi.

Same to you.

You want your present?

Meaning you want yours?

I really do.

All right. Here you go.

Hey. Well, that seems fair.

No, no, no. You go first.

Yeah? Yeah.

No.

Yes.

Yes? Yes.

Okay.

All right.

For God's sake!

Hey, look what I got!

It's a Swiss Army knife.

I was thinking of joining the Swiss Army.

You can take it back.

What are you talking about?

Really?

It has a can opener, corkscrew, and nail file.

Scissors, tweezers, a fish scaler,

and a little thing to punch holes in your belt.

Why would I want to do that?

I don't know, but the guy made it sound important.

He said it was great for camping.

Sure. There's something here for trapping bear.

You really like it?

Sure. If you don't like it,

this thing comes out and stabs you.

This is very cool. Thank you.

Okay, my turn.

Here.

I got it. I got it.

It took her 45 minutes to wrap this in the store.

Wow!

You like it?

I do!

It's a cotton candy machine.

I see.

Get it?

No.

Cotton. Second anniversary.

Oh, yeah, that's good. That's really good.

The guy said it'll pay for itself in six months.

Now we don't have to go to the circus all the time.

No, really, I love it.

Yeah?

Want to try it out?

For breakfast?

What the hell?

Remember, we're having three lunches today.

Why does everybody want to take us out?

We're only fun when we're alone.

Swear to God, you like this?

Oh, I do. I really love it.

Oh, me too. Mine. I love it.

Hey.

Happy anniversary.

You can't keep a secret in this town.

For you.

You don't have to do that.

It's a big day. It was a big day for us.

I know.

I just want Fran to be happy.

If it's without me, fine. If it's with Ira, so be it.

If Buddha's testing my patience...

Zei gezunt.

What can I get you guys?

Just sugar.

We have sugar, we have onions,

we have Aspergum and Yodels.

Yodels now?

Where's the sugar?

Sugar on the shelf,

onions by the door.

Who's looking for onions?

How did we get three lunches in one day?

It would have been four,

but I consolidated our sisters.

Hello.

How are you?

Oh, any day now.

Ooh. A little kick.

Right now?

Mm-hmm. Here.

Come here.

Wowee.

It's like a whole little person in there.

But if you weren't pregnant,

this would be so inappropriate of me.

You didn't find the onions.

What's with him and the onions?

Any children?

Not yet.

Oh, when?

Not for some time. Maybe soon.

Here. Kim said you wanted onions?

I never heard you use those words before...

Maybe soon?

It's not like we've never discussed having kids.

We never discussed maybe soon.

Is this level?

Like the horizon.

We said after a couple of years.

Yeah, a couple of years.

We've now been married a couple of years.

Do you believe I bought the onions?

A couple doesn't mean two.

It means 2, 3, 10... whatever.

Not 10.

I'm not saying 10. I'm saying... whatever.

Sometime between 2 and 10?

Yes.

When?

Like closer to 10.

No. Wrong.

You pick a number. You think we're ready now?

Not now, but sometime soon.

Maybe soon.

That sounds so soon.

This isn't working.

We used to be together on this.

Suddenly you change the rules.

This isn't something I decided.

It's something I'm starting to feel.

Well, cut it out.

Feel something else.

Shouldn't we wait until we both feel the same way?

Oh, God.

This thing takes confectioner's sugar?

What is this?

Regular sugar.

What's the difference?

I don't know.

See? What if we had kids,

and they asked us a question like that?

What'll we say?

That's why we can't have kids?

I want to know more.

My father knew everything.

Like what?

He knew how to build a bench

and why the clouds move so quick.

Why do they?

Something about the way they're made.

See? You can learn that.

I haven't.

But you will.

Okay, don't rush me.

It doesn't have to be tomorrow.

You can forget tomorrow.

But I want to start talking about this.

And we will.

When?

Maybe soon.

Use the standard form and you'll be fine.

I had the exact same one, but in red.

I wasn't this good, but...

Honey.

We could use some bread here.

Uh, Ursula... some bread?

Oh, no, thanks.

Not interested.

Honey, that's not a toy.

I'm having lunch with my brother and his wife.

And me.

And Noah.

And me.

And Lisa.

Yeah, that's the one.

Okay, okay.

Bye.

I'm sorry. It's just so crazy.

Well, two years married to my brother.

How does it feel?

I think the most wonderful thing...

Excuse me.

She's very busy.

Oh. Hi, honey.

How do they make crayons?

How do they make crayons?

You know how they get wax from bees?

It's the same kind of wax.

They take that wax and color it

with crayons they already have.

Neat.

Can you do this?

Know what that is?

That's called condensation.

You're making this up from nothing.

He's not our kid.

Noah.

Honey, how can I?

I have Noah.

I want to sit next to Aunt Jamie.

Did you schedule the parent/teacher conference?

No. That's next Wednesday.

Noah, want to play a game?

Let's see how long

we can make our spoons be quiet.

I lose.

Okay.

Not Saturday. That's Ricky's birthday party.

I'm bored.

Mingle.

That's no good. He's got Little League.

Billy Goodman called me a spaz.

Are you? No.

So what are you worried about?

I don't think that's really... helping.

Honey, honey,

just call the school and coordinate.

Thank you.

I want to sit next to Uncle Paul.

And who wouldn't, huh?

And Aunt Jamie.

Deb, why don't you slide over?

Oh, sure.

I like to sit next to Jamie.

There we go.

You may sit there,

but you have to eat your hamburger.

I'm not hungry.

You'll be hungry later.

So get me a hamburger later.

You're never going to Disney World.

How'd you learn to do this?

My first kid.

When are you going to start trying?

Not for a while. Maybe soon.

See the way he laughed

when I put the breadsticks in the mouth like a walrus?

I was very proud.

That kid loves me.

When the milk comes out their nose...

That means they love you.

I had such a good time with Noah.

You didn't have his Salisbury steak in your lap.

Your sister threw that.

Murray, what are you staring at?

You've never seen a couch?

Call your mother and tell her we're running late.

I don't want to.

She'll know from my voice I already ate.

You said you don't need arms, huh?

You know what I think?

Having a kid isn't going to be all that tough.

It's like Murray, but with overalls.

Oh, my God!

It's not that hard.

Did you see what your sister was going through?

She didn't get to eat any lunch.

She has F.A.O. Schwarz in her purse.

Her hair is thinning.

Her hair was thinning while we sat there.

You're the one who wants to have a kid.

I said I think I want to have a kid.

All right. I'm just saying, keep thinking.

♪ Goodness, gracious great balls of fire ♪♪

All right. Enough already.

Take the diaper bag.

I got it.

That's the activity bag.

Then somebody took a poop in the activity bag.

All right.

Walker, stroller,

blankie, highchair,

car seat, porta-playpen.

Porta-playpen. Isn't that in Spain?

No.

Got the green horsy?

I got the green horsy.

Ready? All ready.

The baby?

I'm not bringing the baby. We got too much stuff.

Ma, this is not our only lunch today.

What, you're not hungry?

It's delicious.

Maybe you'd like some mooshed potatoes?

What's that?

When he was little, he called them that.

"Ma, are we having mooshed potatoes?

"I love my mooshed potatoes.

Ma, can we have mooshed potatoes?"

I think she gets it with the mooshed potato.

Pauley, look, the potato moosher.

Oh, it's adorable.

Yeah. Moosh, moosh, moosh, moosh.

Why don't you quit the floor show

and sit down and eat something?

I will.

She's never sat at a meal.

I don't know why we have a chair for you.

Can I get you something else?

Really, I'm stuffed.

How often do you get a good home-cooked meal?

Ma, please. Sit down, huh?

All right.

Try it. What do you think?

Oh. Oh.

What?

Two years.

That's right.

Who would've thought it?

We thought it.

I was 19 when I married his father.

How long before Paul was born?

Mmm, Sharon was 2.

Was he planned?

In what sense, honey?

I mean, did you decide to have kids or did you...

Whoa, let's not go there.

What? I'm interested.

Really?

Yeah, sure.

Well, actually,

it was during your father's vacation...

Way back when he used to take vacations.

Where did you go?

Who could afford to go? We were just getting started.

We'd just gotten this apartment.

We were each other's vacation.

We'd go to Coney Island, the movies...

We were kids. We didn't know

you had to go somewhere to have fun.

Get to the part with me.

Oh, well...

We'd gone to see Gigi at the Loew's,

and we were sitting here sharing a frappe.

I used to make my own hot fudge.

And, uh,

your father was doing his Maurice Chevalier...

You know how I love Frenchmen.

I actually don't, but go ahead.

Well, hmm, mmm... Ha ha!

He was dancing around.

I was, uh, laughing,

and, uh... that's when it happened.

No!

Yeah. Here in the kitchen.

No.

Yeah, I'm saying... On the table.

Oh!

I forgot to put out the coleslaw.

What, on this table?

Yeah.

That I've eaten at for 18 years?

I didn't wipe it off?

I wasn't allowed to put my elbows on this table.

It's rude.

I've never seen so much food in my life.

This is how I grew up.

No meals. Just food until you lie down and cry.

Murray, why put it in a place

that you're unable to retrieve it from?

Oh!

What's wrong?

My first two lunches just collided.

Where you going?

To put on my fat pants.

Hey, you know what?

I'm going to actually use this belt-hole puncher.

I can't believe your mother!

Yeah. On the table they did it.

For the rest of my life,

I'll not be able to not know that.

Your mother is a striking woman.

Where you going with that?

She's beautiful. You have her eyes.

Well, maybe our kid will have my eyes

and, like, your smile,

and... and...

my forehead.

What's the matter with my forehead?

Nothing.

So why can't our kid have my forehead?

Fine. He'll have your forehead.

Your forehead, your eyes, your smile.

My ears maybe.

Your ears are kind of droopy.

Are they really?

Either way, we're going to love it.

Moosh, moosh, moosh, moosh, moosh.

Honey...

What a beautiful baby.

Yeah, b-but... but, honey?

He's a monkey.

He's a beautiful monkey.

Yeah, but...

I don't want to belabor the point,

and far be it for me to speak ill of any child,

but this... It's... He's a monkey.

But he's our monkey.

You're emphasizing the "our" part.

I'd like to highlight, if I might,

the "monkey" portion. Our monkey.

He's smart.

He can do a triple axel off the jungle gym.

That's good, but...

May God strike me dead for saying this...

Every baby is beautiful.

That's true. Yes, they are.

But this one's a monkey.

I can't believe it's been two years.

So, it's two years.

Leave us alone already.

When you going to have kids?

When are you going to get married?

All right. Truce.

Hey, how you doing, Ursula?

Oh, hi, Bill. Hi, Dave.

Okay, once again.

It's Ira. Paul.

You guys crack me up.

Give us a couple of Rolling Rocks,

a club soda, and a Zima.

I'm curious.

Sometimes I think things are so good between us, why not?

Then I think, why mess with it?

Aw, have a kid.

What?

You got to do it.

Why?

It's like Europe, a pain in the ass,

but you got to do it.

Sweet little Richie's four years old.

Norman says it costs him 40 grand a year.

Maybe the kid's embezzling from them.

The kid goes through over three Gs a month.

He's got a nanny, a shrink, he wears corrective shoes,

he goes to private school,

he's got allergy medication, goes to summer camp,

and, dig this, he drives a Schwinn.

That's not cheap.

40 grand a year for one kid.

No, you can get them cheaper.

You've got to know where to go.

Ursula, what's happening with these drinks?

You guys were serious?

What did you think?

I thought you were pulling

one of your Bill and Dave things.

Oh.

Hey, Kim, what you got for nausea?

Depends.

You want to get nausea or not get nausea?

Oh... not.

I got Pepto, I got Bromo, I got Alka Seltzer.

Let's take all three. One for each lunch.

Can you break a 50?

Uhh!

I can get smaller.

Oh! It's my back.

Should I call the doctor?

Mark was a doctor.

Get something we can use as a pillow.

Uh, as a pillow?

I got flour sacks, marshmallows, paper towels.

Hey, guys!

Mark, thank God.

What's going on?

Where does it hurt?

My back.

Probably labor.

In her back?

Often, labor pains

are experienced as back spasms,

especially if the baby's

in an occipital-posterior position.

A regular delivery boy wouldn't know this.

Should we get her to a hospital?

No. You got hours.

Kim, take her to a movie.

Play with her nipples.

What?

No, no, no! It stimulates labor.

Let's go. Let's go.

Oh.

Oh!

Is that true about the nipples?

Yeah.

My friend's doctor

told her husband to bring her to orgasm.

It induces labor.

The guy doesn't have enough things on his mind?

Hey, Jamie. Is this a tomato or what?

It's a beauty.

Yeah. Tomato. What a great idea.

Hi.

Hi.

Congratulations!

Ah.

I have a market, a wife, a daughter.

Oh, a baby girl!

Hello.

This is Rose.

Oh, God, she's beautiful.

Your husband was just here.

He was?

He came by to see the baby,

but she was sleeping.

Oh. Hi, Rose.

Here.

Really?

Mmm.

How many years did you go to college?

Four.

Med school?

Four.

How long were you an intern?

One year.

A resident?

Two.

Good. Give me a pound of grapes.

I'm going to see the baby.

Jamie's inside.

Hey.

Look what I got.

Ohh.

This must be Rose.

Isn't she sweet?

You're a very tiny person there.

Oh. Smell that.

Ooh, I love that baby smell.

So, you were here before?

Yeah.

I, uh... I stopped to smell the Rose.

You look very good with one of these.

I do?

Yeah.

Hi, Rose.

I think she wants you.

Okay.

You handle the complaints, don't you?

Oh, yes.

Okay.

Bye, Rose.

Come on.

Do you think we should buy something?

What, just for sport?

It's rude to hold their baby and not buy anything.

You're a very nice person is who you are.

Honey?

Coming!

What you got here?

Triple chocolate chunky chip.

That's... that's just a flavor for the sake of being a flavor.

I want to be pregnant.

Let me know if there's anything I can do for you.

I will.

Any idea when I'll be getting this call?

I'm not exactly sure.

Tell me again why I'd be doing this?

Because you're in love with me.

That's what it is.

Of course. Sure.