Original subtitles

Who sings this?

What am I, the expert in country music?

Ask this guy.

Why, because he has a hat

he's going to know?

Ask him.

Excuse me.

Pardon me.

Do you happen to know who sings this?

Excuse me?

Do you know who's singing this song?

Oh, it's Garth Brooks.

Garth what? What?

Garth Brooks.

Garth Brooks.

He doesn't know.

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart As much as you ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump into The final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪♪

Should we open some champagne?

For what?

To celebrate.

I lost.

I know, but we won the door prize.

What a splendid door prize... A professional tea brewer.

There's no such thing as professional tea.

Tea that gets paid for being tea?

Look at this. "Used by real Englishmen."

Could you tell me?

How do I lose to a film like that?

The Trouble with Barnacles.

It's all political.

My film is about the first Iraqi-born janitor

to ever work in the Pentagon.

That's fascinating.

He sweeps up after the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Think about what he sees.

All I need's one hour to review this stuff,

then you can complain all you want.

All right. Fair enough.

What a hack.

To call that a film...

You have to stop it, because I have to review this.

Want some coffee? It'll help you stay up.

I don't want to stay up.

I want to review this, listen to you complain,

then go to bed.

All right. I'm done complaining.

Okey-dokey.

A film about national security...

They don't care about that.

But barnacles, that's fascinating.

Scraping off a hull... That's important.

Honor that. That's like a big deal.

Give that guy something special.

Hey, you want a cup of tea?

Maybe I'll use my professional tea brewer.

What a good idea.

Sure.

Okay, the Paris peace talks,

The guy's name...

Peace talks. Le Duc Tho.

That's right. How do you know?

Because our parents used to play bridge together.

The Buchmans and the Duc Thos, yes.

All right. What do we got?

Tea, tea. We got all sorts of tea.

What do we got?

Apple Apricot, Apricot Apple,

Soothing Sunrise,

Kiss-Today-Goodbye Mint.

Hooray for Lemons.

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

What, are you kidding me?

We haven't kept Milkbones there for, like, over a year.

You're so behind in your food movements.

You know, for an animal,

you have very little sense of your surroundings.

Murray?

Want to go play?

I will give you a snack,

and I'll let you eat it right off the table.

You're no fun.

How long are we going to be doing this?

Hey, are you awake?

Yes, yes, I'm awake.

I can't sleep.

Sure, you can. I've seen you do it.

I keep thinking about my test.

Questions keep popping into my head.

Answer the questions, and let me sleep.

Okay, tell me a story.

Tell you a story.

What, are you 6?

Please. Listening to one of your stories

will help me sleep.

Is that going to help me feel good about myself?

I mean because you soothe me.

I see. All right. Comfortable?

Yes.

Okay. All right. Once upon a time...

Not that kind of story.

What'd you just say?

I mean a story about you.

Oh. Even better. All right.

Okay, did I ever tell you

about the time I was in film school?

I had this brilliant idea

for a documentary about the garment district.

A Day in the Life of a Button?

A Day in the Life of a Button. That's right.

And everybody said, "No, it can't be done.

"No one cares about a view of the world

seen through the eyes of a small piece of plastic."

But you weren't intimidated.

You stuck to your guns.

Who's telling the story?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

So I made the film...

Mm-hmm...

And was nominated for my first Silver Sprocket...

Which you lost...

Want to know why?

Because these people are idiots.

They have no vision, which is why tonight,

they give the award to some hack in a rented tuxedo

with his cummerbund upside down,

the ridges going up, catching crumbs.

It was pathetic to watch him standing there.

Am I boring you?

Not enough.

I'm going to make you a cup of tea.

You've made me four cups.

But the fifth cup of this tea really kicks in.

This one will knock you right out.

It's that kind of tea.

I wish we had a lawn.

All right. This, my friend, this is going to put you out.

You'll be snoring in no time.

This... all right.

No. Don't use that one.

Why not?

It has caffeine in it.

It does?

Oops.

What did you say?

I said troops.

They gave it to the troops in the war

because... the decaf.

They couldn't sleep with the shelling and...

This isn't decaf!

You pumped me full of caffeine?

Not on purpose. I...

Atomic Zinger? Does that sound calming to you?

I didn't think it through.

You couldn't give me something

that said "slumber" or "sleepy"

or "She's tired. I'll help her out"?

Tea's tea. What's the difference?

This has caffeine. I'm never going to sleep.

Forget tea. We'll watch the crazy guy on channel 38

with the white beard.

Forget it.

10 minutes of this guy, you'll fall asleep.

The more you try to sleep, the more you can't.

It's like the erection thing.

Hey... I told you, that happens to everybody.

Yeah, and what do you do when it happens?

You just roll over and go to sleep.

I can't roll over and go to sleep.

Well, roll over and try to get an erection.

Of course, by morning I'm going to be crashing like a meteorite.

You're not going to crash.

My brain's going to turn to mush.

I'll flunk and have to learn all that stuff again.

No. I'll do everything I can

to help you fall asleep.

You'll keep me company until I fall asleep.

Even if I have to stay all night up.

And you should because you're the one, hello,

that gave me the wrong tea.

How long does it take

to break in one pair of shoes?

A long time, especially if you're sitting.

You know who moved into our building?

Gomez Addams.

When did we buy doilies?

Seriously. From... From the Addams family?

Gomez Addams moved into the penthouse.

Raul Julia?

No, the real Gomez, John Astin.

John Astin does not live in our building.

Why wouldn't he?

He just doesn't.

That's the basis of your argument,

"he just doesn't"?

Why can't you give this to me?

It costs you nothing.

Rrrr...

Listen to me. I'm telling...

Fine. He lives in the building.

You say that, but you don't believe it.

What are you doing?

Give me your feet.

I'm going to put you to sleep already.

Why would I make that up about John Astin?

I'm trying to impress you?

This isn't working.

I could dance on a tightrope and twirl plates.

What, you're carnival people?

Yes. I'm the amazing awake lady.

Get me... I'm up.

You know, sweetie, when you get a good idea,

you get a good idea.

Ooh. That was the paper.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Finish your thought.

I want to get the paper before the Hamiltons steal it.

Why do you say the Hamiltons steal it?

Because every time our paper isn't here,

I see rubber bands near the Hamiltons' door.

You have this whole other life I know nothing about.

Let's steal the happy face off the Hamiltons' door.

Why would we do that?

Because they've had that stupid happy face

on their door for two years.

It's a happy face.

"Have a nice day."

I don't need the pressure.

Know what? You've snapped.

Please. I think it will make me drowsy.

All right.

Oh, God, I think they heard us.

I hope you're very proud of yourself.

What did you do?

What?

It's locked.

I pushed the button.

I pushed the button. Why?

To unlock the door.

You locked the door.

No, you locked the door.

I was trying to unlock it.

Well, you succeeded in doing the exact opposite.

Look, I... it's not really...

Oh, you're up.

Look, this just fell off your door.

It was...

Oh, great. Now I'm getting tired.

You stay up until we get the key.

You're getting sleepy now

because you know you can't go to sleep.

And because you locked the door.

We had this discussion.

We decided you were wrong.

Hey, Mr. Wicker.

Hello, Buchmans.

Where's Jose?

Aspen.

The elevator guy's in Aspen?

For two weeks. Next month, Eddie's going to Trenton.

Guess who's going to play doorman.

First I get elevator duty at night,

roof duty in the morning...

What is roof duty?

Don't ask.

Everybody wants something from Mr. Wicker.

"Do me this." "Get me that."

I'm human, too, you know.

What can I do for you?

Uh... those slippers we got you for Christmas,

they working out well?

I love them.

We need a key.

Locked out?

Actually, he... We got locked out.

Hop on. Got a spare in the office.

Bet you're wondering how we locked ourselves out.

My guess is, one of you pushed the button,

and then the other one pushed the button.

Uh-huh. 33 years here.

You know, these manually operated elevators,

they've always fascinated me.

It's like a lost art.

I asked to go automatic years ago.

Did they listen? Of course not. Basement.

Watch the elevator. I'll be back in a minute.

I always wanted to operate one of these things.

Don't touch it.

It's like a hankering. I hanker to do it.

P.H., elevator talk for your penthouse.

Wait for Wicker.

Did I tell you John Astin moved into the penthouse?

The same John Astin

that doesn't live in this building?

Miss Naysayer, I'm going to prove something to you.

You don't have a license

to operate one of these things.

What, am I going to veer into the wrong lane?

I just want my bed.

Okay, here we go. Penthouse.

Hi. Floor, please?

The lobby, thank you.

Lobby it is.

Where's uh, Jose?

Aspen.

Jose the elevator man is in Aspen?

Yeah. Two weeks. We're filling in.

We're... we're, uh... big fans of your work.

My work?

Gomez Addams.

Touche.

Tell me that's not him.

That's not him.

Why are you being so difficult?

That's him.

What are you, uh, whispering about?

Oh, uh, this is his first time operating an elevator.

You're doing a bang-up job, my man.

Well, you should see me open the doors.

We're the Buchmans. 11-D?

Oh, glad to meet you, Buchmans.

You'll have to come up to dinner sometime.

Do you eat goose?

What, are you kidding? We're fanatics.

I'll have to alert the wife.

What?

Who was that, Hermione Gingold?

Why would the man lie?

To toy with someone like you.

I can't believe you can't give this to me.

This place gives me the creeps.

What are you scared of?

Mr. Wicker!

Yo! Mr. Wicker!

"Yo"?

I want to sound bigger just in case.

You said there's nothing to be scared of.

Let's get him.

You go.

You don't want to go?

It's creepy.

I'll get him.

Don't leave me here!

You want me to go get him and wait here with you?

All right, let's go.

But if we get murdered,

you're in a lot of trouble.

No office here.

Who said there was an office?

Wicker.

Show me an office.

We must've missed it. Let's go back to the elevator.

"No access."

I can't believe we didn't wait for him.

Didn't I say,

"Let's just wait for him in the elevator"?

I can't believe you locked the door.

I mean, this door.

I didn't touch this door!

Want to know something? I liked that barnacle movie.

I'm sure it's the tea talking now.

Let's walk up to the lobby. Eddie will let us in.

All right.

The barnacle comment, that was just to hurt me.

Yes, it was.

All right.

"No access."

Oh, that's just perfect.

Oh, co... Eddie! Eddie!

He's sleeping.

The man opens a door for a living.

How can he be tired?

I made you a copy so this wouldn't happen agai...

Buchmans.

Buchmans?

This is how they watch an elevator?

Hey, when did Ho Chi Minh first come to popularity?

I believe that was right after Moo Shu pork.

Another locked door.

Loc Door. Didn't he overthrow Moo Shu pork?

Want to pass this test or not?

I have about as much chance of passing this test

as you have of winning a Silver Sprocket.

Wow, are you punchy.

U Punchy. Didn't he come into power in 1932?

Buchmans? Buchmans?

No, the other Buchmans.

Don't worry. They'll come home sooner or later, right?

I just painted the place.

Aah!

Hey.

Want to join the 10-story-high club?

You are a huge goofball, you are.

Ooh, sorry.

No, no, no! No, no, no!

Wait! Wait!

We got a lot of yogurt,

we got Chinese food, we got egg salad...

Number two. Chinese food. Great.

You look like the kind of guy

who doesn't like to eat alone.

Twisted my arm, huh?

Look at this. Somebody's got a lawn.

Buchmans!

So glad you could join us!

What... what... What are we joining?

We were just sitting down to lunch.

You guys eat lunch on the roof

at 4:00 in the morning?

I'd like you to meet my wife, Waula Lea.

Waula Lea,

These are the Buchmans.

Yes, we certainly are.

Enchantee.

Cara mia!

You know what you do to me

when you speak French?

It drives me wild.

It really does, you know.

Okay, it's him, it's him.

That's all I'm saying.

Look at that moon.

Can't even see the moon.

Precisely.

Sit down.

We're not really dressed...

Yeah, we're not dressed,

although... tuxedo shoes.

Perfect. Tuxedo jackets.

What, do you... You... you bring extra jackets?

Jackets for everyone, I say. That's my motto.

He's got a motto.

I see.

I got to get me a motto.

Sit, sit, sit, sit.

This is not a great night for us.

I have this test...

We were up all night...

We were. We haven't slept.

Plus, I lost this award.

Fabulous!

Cara mia... the night air calls.

Do you tango, Buchmans?

Well, uh... not as much as we'd like, no.

Well, grab her, man.

No, no, no. Don't grab me.

I don't think it's him.

What?

I don't think that's John Astin.

Why are you doing this to me?

He's acting exactly like he did on TV.

So the real guy wouldn't do that.

This... this guy, he's... Listen to me. I think...

Buchmans! Switch!

Um, actually, we...

You know, it's been really a lovely evening,

but we really should say au revoir.

You can't fool me. That's French.

Ah!

Ohhh...

You should see me eat corn.

Okay, just settle this with me,

because we've been discussing...

You are him, aren't you?

Of course I am.

No, you're not. No, you're not.

Of course I'm not.

Seriously.

What do you like?

I... I... I...

Oh. Now, you know what?

Now I say you are.

Then I am.

Honey, let it go.

All right, whatever it was,

it was certainly nice to meet you.

Oh... thank you.

Good night.

Au revoir.

Cara mia!

Can you do the flips?

Honey, let them eat.

What's that?

The guy on TV

could do backflips into the next room.

The flips! Say no more.

All right, it's him.

Helloooo, Wicker!

Good thing I got a big canopy.

Wicker, I love living here.