Original subtitles

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♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart As much as you ♪

♪ Tell me all your secrets ♪

♪ And I'll tell you Most of mine ♪

♪ They say nobody's perfect ♪

♪ Well That's really true this time ♪

♪ I don't have the answers I don't have a plan ♪

♪ All I have is you ♪

♪ So darling Help me understand ♪

♪ What we do ♪

♪ You can whisper in my ear ♪

♪ Where we go ♪

♪ Who knows what happens After here ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump into The final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'm mad about you ♪♪

Paul.

Hey.

What happened? How are you?

I don't think the red sweater is right.

For school tomorrow. It's my first day.

I don't think jeans and that sweater will cut it.

Okay, here's how happy I was a minute ago.

Here's how happy I am now.

You see the difference?

It's okay.

What? What is okay?

If you don't want me to back to school, I won't.

I missed something here.

You're right. I've been to school.

I'm like that guy who's seen Miss Saigon 116 times?

What, it's going to have a different ending?

What was I thinking? You're right.

What red sweater?

You see?

I don't want you to go back to school?

You've had me all to yourself.

Maybe you don't want to share me with the world.

That's so not true.

You do want to share me with the world?

What'd I tell you about these trick questions?

I'm serious.

I don't understand.

You mailed in your check,

you mailed in the course cards,

you're all signed up, you're all paid for.

It's what you want.

Therefore, it's what I want.

Then why'd you forget to pick up my red sweater?

You said you'd stop at the cleaners.

I must have forgot.

Yes, but why?

Why?

Because I must have forgot.

Because maybe you don't really want me to do this.

You know what?

You don't need me for this conversation.

Oh, God.

What?

Who am I going to eat lunch with?

What?

What if I'm standing with my tray,

and everybody has somebody to sit with except me?

Who am I going to eat with?

Bob Howard.

I beg your pardon?

Bob Howard.

Every school, every camp has a Bob Howard.

And they're everywhere, and they're friendly.

I don't want to go to school.

You do want to go to school,

you're going to school, so cut out the shenanigans.

I'm only going back to school to meet men.

I understand. Good night.

Honey, you're slobbering.

Sweetie, I don't want to.

Good morning.

Hi.

What the...

Time for you to get up and go to school.

No. My throat hurts, and I'm too old.

Look at the coffee pot, please.

I've seen...

You haven't seen one like this.

Come on. Hurry! Hurry!

What is it? I really have to pee.

Surprise!

Oh, my God. This is so sweet.

Who thought of this?

I did. I did.

Oh, stop it.

To my wife's new adventure.

Oh, thank you.

And to get you started...

Look, a pencil case.

Oh, erasers, reinforcements...

Ooh, I love those.

Lisa... Don't ask.

I used to put these on my nipples.

I warned you.

Just give me the other thing.

My red sweater.

Okay, now?

Okay.

You have to pee? Go pee.

A little fire there, who puts it out?

I put it right out.

You really are on the side of good.

I forgot my sweater.

Ooh, I got it.

Can I have that?

What for?

It's my little secret.

What's this?

"Oops! Forget something?

"These items were found in your pocket.

Your friend, Jabar."

Who's Jabar?

Jabar, the cleaning genie.

It's where we go.

Ow!

My mother's birthday card.

I forgot to mail it.

Nice knowing you.

Oh, God!

What?

Oh, God!

"Department of Continuing Education

Tuition and Course selection."

Oh!

You didn't mail her registration?

She's supposed to start school today.

How could you do that?

I didn't do it on purpose.

My shrink would beg to differ.

What do I do here?

About what?

Get out of here.

Another surprise.

Yeah. Go. Yes, really.

Okay, all right,

I can fix this. I can fix this.

First, we'll tell her. She'll understand.

Second, don't tell her.

Well?

Well, just a sec!

I can fix this.

Shh! Just go get her dressed.

Take your time.

The surprise. You said there was a surprise.

I did... oh.

Uh, go. Yeah.

♪ For she's A jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For she's A jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For she's A jolly good fellow ♪♪

Wow. Could I have my sweater?

Show us your outfit.

Oh, man. How stupid am I?

What's the limit? Just tell her.

She already thinks I don't want her to go.

Why don't you want her to go?

I do. You think I don't want her to go too?

No, but she knows you better than I do.

You're both so... Hi. How are you?

Hypothetical situation...

I'm supposed to start school this morning,

but my husband forgot to register.

What can I... Oh, good.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I bring a check down, I can still get her registered.

Here we come!

We got to get to school, so stall her.

How do we stall her?

Trip her.

Tell her you've got a problem.

I don't have any problems.

I'm looking at you, I see five problems.

We'll handle it.

Come on.

Where's Paul?

He and Ira had to go.

Where?

The poultry mart.

The poultry mart?

They're having a sale.

I have to go. I'm going to be late.

Let me get you your elevator.

What? The elevator's broken?

You're kidding?

We're going to have to walk down 11 long flights of stairs?

Well, when do you think the elevator will be fixed?

The elevator's broken?

Yes! The elevator's broken,

and it won't be fixed for 10 minutes!

I suppose I can wait.

The elevator's bro... The elevator's broken.

Yeah, we heard. I'm taking the stairs.

They just waxed them.

They're carpeted.

That guy lied to me!

Jamie, Jamie.

What?

I have a problem.

We'll talk tonight.

I might solve it by then.

Fine. We'll talk about it on the subway.

Let me drive you.

The subway's faster.

Not if there's a derailment.

Fine. Let's go.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Check if the elevator's fixed.

Is it?

No!

Are you sure about that sweater?

Why?

You'd better go look in the mirror.

What? You guys haven't fixed the elevator yet?

Lisa. What's yours?

Oh, hey, Tom. Yes, I do like Thai food.

Tonight? I think that's a little short notice.

I have attitude? You have attitude!

Is the elevator fixed?

No.

Yes.

All right. Here we go.

Piece of cake.

Ooh. No cake.

What have we got?

"Non-pre-paid payment for course submissions."

We've got "Pre-paid. Proceed to pickup."

"Non-pre-paid course card submissions.

"Non-pre-paid paid schedules.

Pre-paid pre-course non-submitted

schedules for all payment."

If this was a cartoon,

I'd pull your tongue like a window shade.

She didn't pay, so she's non-paid.

She didn't submit, so she's non-submitted.

So non-paid, non-submitted.

Right.

So where do we go?

She didn't pay. She's non-paid.

She didn't submit. No submitted.

No submit, no pay.

What are you, the pope?

I'm going to take the subway. Let me out.

I'm not letting my best friend

go to school on public transportation.

Why are we going through the garment district

at rush hour?

Maybe we should take our coats out for a walk.

Get it?

Maybe we could study together.

I don't think that's wise.

Trust me. It's a marvelous thought.

I don't date professors.

No, no, no, no. I'm not a professor. He is.

I'm a professor, and you're, what, a student?

That's right.

You got, like, three hairs on your head.

Next.

The name is Jamie Buchman.

There's your form. Here's the course card.

Here's the check, and that's everything.

Thank you.

We're all paid?

All paid.

Thank you.

Wait, Jamie.

Take your course cards.

Don't you keep these?

These are pre-paid course cards.

You didn't pre-pay.

You have to trade these

for the non-pre-paid now paid cards,

and return to paid course cards submission for scheduling.

Do me a favor. Talk to me like I'm four.

Go over there.

Thank you.

Next.

♪ Anything you can do I can do better ♪

♪ I can do anything Better than you ♪

♪ No, you can't ♪ ♪ Yes, I can ♪

♪ No, you can't ♪ ♪ Yes, I can ♪

♪ No, you can't ♪ ♪ Yes, I can ♪♪

Guys, guys, guys!

This is ridiculous. We were closer 20 minutes ago.

I think the East Side is more scenic.

You want to see Woody Allen's house?

I heard he takes out his own garbage.

Listen, guys... mm.

What?

Nothing. I just... Ooh.

What?

Is it hot in here?

No.

Roll down your window. You too.

You going to barf?

I hope not.

Maybe I should pull over.

These aren't my shoes.

I just need some air.

Let her out!

Where's she going?

She's headed for the subway.

She's making a break for it!

Next.

Yes. Thank you. Okay.

The name is Buchman, Jamie Buchman.

I've got to trade in my course cards.

Did you pre-pay?

Yes. No.

You just paid.

That's not pre-paid.

What does "pre" mean?

Pre... Before.

Did you pay before?

No. I paid over there.

When? Before.

I rest my case.

Let me start again.

The name is Jamie Buchman. I need four cards...

One for Ethics, Psychology,

Logic, and Intermediate French.

Well, that'll prepare you for the world.

Is that it now? Am I all set?

Were these signed by the department yet?

Were they?

No.

I need these signed by each department?

Yes.

Is there an easier way?

Yes. Pre-pay.

Pre-pay, she says.

Come on.

So, where do we go?

Hey.

Where's Jamie?

I don't know. She got away.

We've got to get these signed by each department

before she gets here.

Let me see if there's a map.

We'll meet you outside.

Hey.

You using your hat?

What's up?

Hi. You using the hat?

You into them?

Who? I'm very into them.

Yo, did you catch their last show at the Dungeon?

Wasn't it sold out?

I couldn't. I didn't, no.

Sorry, man.

Let me buy the hat.

I can't. It's my roommate's.

Here's $20.

Cool.

Thanks.

Bonjour.

Hi. Is this where I get my card signed for French?

Oui.

Comment vous appelez-vous?

Uh, Jamie Buchman.

Bonjour, Jamie.

I'm not actually Ja... Oh, yeah, yes.

Bonjour.

Quelle classe?

Hmm?

La classe?

La classe... Intermediate French.

En français. En français.

Oh.

Um... La classe français...

Uh... that right there.

Quel est votre niveau scolaire?

I don't understand.

En français.

Oh, great.

Je no... pardonnez...

Je no... comprendo.

Quel est votre niveau scolaire?

Scolaire?

Scolaire. Scolaire.

Scolaire.

I am a little scholar? Yes.

I am a little scholar.

I try.

I am asking what is your education!

I took a little French in high school

but switched to Spanish.

En français!

Yeah. I need to get this signed for the Logic seminar.

Oh, I'm sorry. Logic's closed.

Well, open it.

I'm afraid I can't do that.

Why not?

The class is limited to 20 students.

20 students have already signed up.

So, it's full.

But I love logic!

This is really very simple.

You see, there's 20 chairs,

and there's 20 students.

So, how many people can fit in the class?

How should I know? You're the teacher. Duh.

Let's try this again.

Why are you interested in studying psychology?

I'm not Jamie.

I'm just doing this for a friend.

The requirement is,

each student present him or herself

for course submission.

I am.

You said it was for a friend.

No, I didn't.

You clearly said...

Well, I'm my friend. I'm my best friend.

You said your name wasn't Jamie.

Well, sometimes it is, and sometimes it's not.

Do you mean that literally?

What do you mean?

Are you saying you see yourself as two separate individuals?

Yeah. Sign the card.

Does this other individual have another name?

Okay. Fran.

May I speak to Fran?

For God's sake, fine. Hi!

Hello, Fran.

I'm sorry. The class is filled.

I understand, but after your first lecture,

some kids will drop out.

It's no reflection. It happens.

Try again next semester.

Whoa, whoa, boss. What's it worth to you?

Excuse me?

I know how much you professors pull in.

Name your price.

It's got to come in handy.

What do you teach?

Ethics.

Oh.

Would you just sign le card?

La carte.

Le carte.

La carte.

Le card.

La...

Le...

Le...

La...

La carte.

Le card.

La carte.

Just sign it. I'm begging ya.

Begging you.

I'm begging ya.

Begging you.

Beg ya.

Begging you... ya.

Ya. Begging ya.

Begging ya.

Trés bien.

Was that so hard?

Oh, hey. I got it all signed.

Uh-huh.

I take it in and I'm all set?

You have your I.D., right?

What did you say?

Once I take your picture, bring this receipt back.

Then you can pick up your permanent I.D.

Can we skip the picture?

No picture... no I.D.

No I.D... you're incomplete.

Name.

Buchman. Jamie Buchman.

Okay, Jamie.

Big smile.

Each of these tic-tacs represents one student.

Right.

And there's 20 tic-tacs in the class.

Right.

And here is the end of the desk.

Beyond that, just empty space.

Right.

So, where would another tic-tac go?

There.

I was right?

Yes.

Jamie Buchman.

Weren't you just here?

I don't think so.

Thank you.

Jamie?

Would you like me to sign one for Fran too?

Let me ask her.

No!

Jamie Buchman.

I think I know my own name.

Thank you.

What? What?

Come on, come on. Gimme, gimme.

Good luck.

She's still here. We've got a shot.

Come on. Over here.

Come on, come on. Come on, come on.

You know what?

We're not going to make it.

Excuse me. Cards, please.

You're in the wrong line.

You belong over there.

Thank you very much.

Cards, please.

You're missing a signature.

You're over here. There you go.

You, over here. Come on.

You're in.

You are so low.

It's a good thing.

Hi. Here we go.

Jamie Buchman.

Jamie Buchman.

J-A-M-I-E.

B-U-C-H-M-A-N.

Want me to help you type that?

I already registered by mail.

Here we go. Here we go.

I sent it in weeks ago.

That's it? I'm all in?

Thanks. That was easy.

You want a lift?

No. I've got a meeting nearby.

Thank you, guys. I won't forget this.

I won't let you.

I can't believe I have class tomorrow.

Fish sticks and Sprite.

Okay, let me explain.

That is so sweet.

What?

I can't believe you did this.

What did I do?

You remembered what I said about having nobody to sit with.

You are the sweetest man in the whole world.

Yeah, well...

How many husbands would do what you did?

Oh, well, hardly any.

How was your first day of school?

Great.

You're all set up?

Yeah. Want to see my I.D.?

Wow. You look beautiful.

Really?

I thought I looked a little bit like you.

You know what they say.

Married people will start to look like each other...

Or sometimes their husband's cousins,

or their sisters.

They look like their sisters.

Or Fran.