Original subtitles

Can the lemon in a lemon muffin go bad?

That's banana.

The muffin is, yes. No, but I'm saying in general.

No, I don't think so.

That's all I'm saying.

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart As much as you ♪

♪ Tell me all your secrets ♪

♪ And I'll tell you Most of mine ♪

♪ They say nobody's perfect ♪

♪ Well, that's really true This time ♪

♪ I don't have the answers I don't have a plan ♪

♪ All I have is you ♪

♪ So darling Help me understand ♪

♪ What we do You can whisper in my ear ♪

♪ Where we go ♪

♪ Who knows what happens After here ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump into The final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'm mad about you ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪♪

Honey, hurry up.

My parents are picking up your parents at 7:00.

They'll be here any second.

No, they won't,

because my mother will be doing

her purse thing upstairs for 20 minutes

while your parents are downstairs

freezing their ass off in the car.

Is that the tie my father gave you?

It has ducks.

Please?

Tell me how you got us into this.

They both called at once. I got sandwiched.

It's that damn call-waiting.

You really have to learn how to say no to your mother.

You're just the guy to teach me how.

You know what's going to happen,

because she does not know how to handle her mother.

Am I right or am I right?

Yeah, yeah, thank you.

You wearing my mother's pin?

It hurts my back.

I'm wearing a tie with ducks.

All right already.

If I were you, I'd hide under the bed,

because somebody doesn't know how to handle his mommy.

Do we know where we're going to eat?

I made reservations at Nagori.

My mother hates sushi.

She figures why should she pay If they're not going to cook?

How about El Pueblo?

My mother hates Mexican. What about Da Vinci?

It's terrible. Are you kidding?

The waiters sing and they give you balloons.

Maybe they'll both hate it

and have something to complain about besides us.

It's not a pin. It's a wall sconce.

Do me a favor.

You're not going to mention the blender thing, right?

Oh, duh.

You saw me call my Aunt Selma, right?

And if anybody mentions quitting my job...

I will steer the conversation straight to my dad's prostate.

And do not mention

that my sister went to the dentist.

Why not?

Trust me on that.

What can we talk about?

Just... nothing. Just order and chew.

I could fake cramps during the salad,

and we can go to a movie.

Yes?

Why?

Tell them we'll come right down.

Oh. Two and a half hours, it'll all be over.

I really think we can do it.

We're morons for trying.

Sometimes we think something will be good,

it turns out bad.

So this we already know will be bad.

I think it could turn out good.

And you have a good time.

Your mother or mine?

It's yours.

Hello, Ma.

Ma.

Yeah, Ma...

Ma...

I'm like a sheep, but with "M" s.

Ma?

How is that an insult?

Look, you wanted the scampi,

and Jamie's mother wanted the scampi.

Who knew there would be one order left?

She told her to take it.

And she told you to take it.

How is that patronizing?

I'm not using a tone.

Listen...

She didn't take the scampi either,

so nobody wins, nobody loses.

You both went scampi-less.

I saw no affront.

You know, Ma, I don't want to talk about this.

I don't want to discuss it.

Let's move on with our lives.

Have a good night's sleep.

Well, try.

I didn't use a tone.

Don't buy into that.

She creates a tone.

So tell her that.

I'm going to walk Murray.

I need more ice cream.

You don't need more.

I need something.

There was no tone.

Oh, sorry. Hang on one second.

Yours.

Oh, man, she's going to be bubbly.

Hi, Mom.

Aw, man, she's bubbly.

Hi. What's the matter?

Yes, there is.

Mom, nobody calls from a pay phone on the FDR drive

just to say hello.

What's wrong?

Mom, you didn't have a wonderful time.

Yes, I can hear the big smile on your face.

I also know you're furious. Just say it!

Say, "I wanted the scampi. Now I'm really mad."

You're on the FDR drive. No one's going to hear you.

Okay, sweet dreams to you.

She blames me!

Why do you say that?

Because when we were leaving the restaurant,

she took me aside and said, "I don't blame you."

I need more ice cream.

You don't need more ice cream.

I need something.

There's frittata in the swan.

What is wrong with these people?

My mother wreaks havoc.

She is a havoc wreaker.

And then your mother,

she smiles right through the havoc.

I know.

Scampi they argue over!

At least your mother can express her anxiety.

It's healthy. It's sick, but it's healthy.

Boy, if you would call her and tell her that.

See? You cave in every time.

I'm asking you to cave in.

Never going to happen, my friend.

Don't get mad at me

because you're mad at your mother for not getting mad.

I'm not mad. I really hate this swan.

Give me the swan.

Let's just go to bed.

Do they see what they do?

How can they not?

Maybe this is what happens when you become parents.

Promise me we'll never be like that.

Never. What do they do? They weld this together.

I'll have your phone working again in no time.

No rush.

You got a bad jack.

I'll replace it.

Sure. May as well.

Because if I fix this, could go bad again.

Nobody likes being without a phone.

You got friends and family trying to reach you.

Yeah, well, no rush there.

Hey, Pauly, you busy?

What are you doing here?

Guess what?

You bought cake.

I have cake.

You brought cake.

I was given cake.

Somebody gave you a cake?

Yeah. Your mother.

Oh, what is she doing?

I tried to call. The phone was out.

He's got a bad jack.

He's going to replace it.

I'm going to replace it.

What is she doing?

I don't know who ordered the scampi, and I don't care.

Your mother calls me, she feels terrible.

She feels terrible about what?

She's afraid she's putting you and Jamie in the middle.

She is.

She doesn't want to aggravate you.

Yet she does.

She wants you to enjoy this cake.

No, she doesn't. You don't understand my mother.

This is cake.

It's not cake. It's a message.

Remember Luca Brazzi Sleeps with the Fishes?

What they're holding is a fish.

What they got was a message... "Luca is dead."

Luca Brazzi. All right.

So here we're holding a cake, but the message is...

Is what?

"I know that you like cake,

and Jamie's mother is a peasant."

It's... it's cake!

And why does she involve you?

Because you'll take her side

because you find her amusing.

I do.

Because she's your aunt, not your mother.

Your mother doesn't bother me.

Now that I don't get.

My mother is impossible. Your mother I adore.

You know what it is?

The grass on other people's mothers is always greener.

Okay, you're going to feel a little bit of pressure.

What are you doing?

There's potential hors d'oeuvres in here.

Fran's coming over for dinner.

Oh, don't invite me.

Do you want to come?

Can't. I have plans.

Mom's taking me to see Carousel.

She was going to take me to see Carousel.

Well, that's when you were the good one.

So you spoke to her?

We just had lunch.

We found this great all-you-can-eat shrimp place.

Perfect.

She also took me shopping.

Hey, what do you think?

Don't you see what she's doing?

I love when she's mad at you.

Remember the time she found out you lost your virginity?

I got a toaster oven.

If she's mad,

why can't she stop smiling and say it?

She did say it. She just said it to me.

Hey, check this out. Pearls!

I can't believe you let her manipulate you like this.

She's not manipulating me.

She's using me to manipulate you.

It's not going to work this time.

Don't fall for it.

I wouldn't even call her.

I won't.

Promise! I really want to go to Europe.

I don't know what the problem is.

I get along great with my mother.

You moved her to Florida.

She was pale!

Hello.

Hi. What's that?

A cake.

Oh, my goodness.

What kind?

It's a message cake.

Listen to this. She calls Ira...

Honey, it doesn't matter now.

We'll have a wonderful dinner.

Fran's here. Now we have dessert.

It's not a dessert. It's muscle.

Because she's setting me up.

That is a set-up cake.

My mother makes set-up cookies.

Well, not like my mother makes them.

What... What are you doing?

It's a bird of paradise.

Say hello.

Oh, no!

What?

You're bubbly.

I got it.

Hello. Buchman residence.

It's Fran.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Buchman.

No, my husband hasn't come back to me yet.

She wants to talk to you.

Ask her if it's about scampi.

He wants to know if it's about scampi.

What tone? I'm not using a tone.

See that? She's wreaking havoc with other people now.

Your mother was in labor for 26 hours?

I had a very big head.

Tell her I appreciated the accommodations back then.

I am out now, and get over the scampi.

Mrs. Buchman, hold on. I've got another call.

Hello, Buchman residence. Oh, hi, Mrs. Stemple.

Yeah, she's right here.

No. Forget it.

No, she sounds happy!

Of course she does.

Tell her to call back when she's not.

Mrs. Stemple, can you hold on?

Mrs. Buchman?

I don't want to discuss it.

Mrs. Buchman, can I tell you something?

Last Labor Day

when Jamie's parents had that barbecue...

No, no, no, no!

Jamie's mother spent 20 minutes

telling me how wonderful you were.

What?

Well, I'm sure she meant to invite you.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Hold on a second.

Mrs. Stemple?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh!

Well, I'm just going to eat.

How can you eat at a time like this?

Well, every time's a time like this

since you recommended the scampi.

I'm sorry?

Forget it.

What... What is that?

You're blaming me for this now?

Well, you were pushing it like nobody's business.

Try the scampi! You've never seen such scampi.

They're shrimp the size of your nose.

Well, I wanted everybody to enjoy their meal.

You always want everybody to enjoy their meal.

Every time we go to a restaurant,

you have to recommend a dish.

Why can't you let people eat what they want?

Why don't you just start a restaurant column

and be done with it?

We would never have gone out in the first place

if you didn't let our mothers tag-team you

on our damn call-waiting!

So this is my fault?

You wanted call-waiting.

I didn't want call-waiting.

I'm perfectly happy with a busy signal.

Because you don't have many friends.

I have plenty of friends,

but I'm not worried about getting back to them.

I'm not like you...

"What if someone's trying to get us?"

Well, they got us, baby. You happy now?

I'm always happy. I'm my mother's daughter!

What is this?

That can't be good.

Come on, Murray.

Want to play? Come on!

Let's play.

Go get the ball. Go get the ball.

Good girl!

Meanwhile, I called the vet.

You want me to wash that shirt?

I'm wearing it.

Why would you want to wash it if I'm wearing it?

Does that make sense? She's a big nutty nut.

Yes, she is.

Hey, this is really low. How do you do this?

Wow. Come on, Murray.

Want to get the mouse?

Look, there he goes. There's the mouse!

You don't want to get the mouse?

This is really serious!

He hasn't touched his food.

Look at him. He's laying...

He's like a rug with organs.

Murray, go get the mouse.

He doesn't want to.

Murray, look, go get the mouse!

Here he comes. Here he comes!

Here comes the mouse!

Son of a bitch!

Aw!

Look at you.

You know there's no mouse, don't you?

I know!

Hey.

Hi!

Why are you dressed up?

I'm having lunch at the Russian Tea Room.

Does he look normal to you?

Who are you having lunch with?

Mom.

Lunch at the Russian Tea Room with mom,

and I'm not invited?

His mom.

You're having lunch at the Russian tea room

with my mother?

Honey, they're crossing the line.

They're, like, franchising out now.

Was I going to say no?

Yes, and stay out of this one.

I didn't recommend scampi.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hello. Dr. Arzupian!

It's Dr. Arzupian, hon.

Um, he's not himself.

He hasn't done anything constructive in two days.

I want to know everything his mother says,

and I'm not kidding.

I'll get his mother for Europe and push ours for a condo...

Listen. It's voice-activated.

His last bowel movement?

Monday.

Oh. Can you believe this?

Saturday.

Huh? Oh, that would be great.

Yes. We'll bring him right over.

He's going to see him right now.

Hey, Murray, we're going to go to the park.

You want to go to the park?

We're going to go to the park,

play ball, and eat a big hot dog.

Great. Lie to him.

It works.

No! It's like when I had my adenoids out

and Mom told me we were just going

to watch them tape the Match Game.

Hey, Murray, have a good time at the vet.

Why do you come here?

Honey.

Sorry. Sorry.

Well, heart sounds good.

Sit.

No, he doesn't do sit.

Why not?

It's just not one of his things.

You've got to do it manually.

His coat looks good. He seems nice and healthy.

Why is he so moody?

What would that be?

Moods!

What do you mean, moods?

You don't think dogs have emotions?

You're saying our dog has emotional problems?

He might.

That's ridiculous.

Wait a second.

He doesn't have emotional problems.

Honey, he's not saying it's a reflection on you.

Of course it's a reflection on me

if the dog has emotional problems.

What... What are you doing?

Have you been sleeping well?

Yes.

Eating healthy?

I try.

When was your last...

First thing this morning.

So is Murray an only dog?

Yes. We thought about having another,

but I don't think we're ready.

How old was he when you got him?

Oh, we was like... this old.

I found him in the park.

Ah-hah.

Ah-hah. What's "ah-hah"?

He may have just wandered off from his home.

He did. He had a tag with a guy's number.

The guy asked if I wanted him.

I had just broken up with this girl, Leslie,

so I thought, yeah.

Who's Leslie?

Nobody.

Did you try to take him back?

I thought it would upset the dog.

It's hardly nobody

if you had to get a dog afterwards.

I'm begging you to stop this.

You're like my mother.

Anyway, there's been some tension, yeah.

Such as?

Problems with our mothers.

Oh, my God.

Mother.

Asparagus.

Mother.

Do you think that could be the problem?

Could be. He might have unresolved issues.

With his mother?

It's just silly.

No, it isn't.

Wouldn't you want to find your mother

if you were lucky enough to lose her for a while?

What's that? The Murray box.

We still have the Murray box?

Of course. His baby teeth are in here.

What a sweet lady.

What does it look like?

It's a little tag with the number.

Aw! Aw!

Look at this.

That's an aw, this is not an aw?

Aw!

Aw! Oh!

Here's his certificate from dog school.

How do you flunk "sit"?

Here it is.

We're sure we want to do this?

We have to do something.

But she hasn't seen him in, like, 49 years.

What if she doesn't remember him?

A mother never forgets, especially in this family.

Look at this guy's name. Herbert Urbont.

Urbont?

Our dog's last name is "Urbont"?

Yeah, but he dropped the last name, like Wynona.

Go call him.

Come on. Murray, want to get the ball?

Come on. Get the ball!

Get the ball!

Don't pressure him.

You realize now I've got to get the ball?

You sure this guy knows how to find us?

Yeah, I told him right by the "bite me" bench,

which, as you know,

is next to the lovely

"Jesus and Janice" water fountain.

Murray, look at me.

She's not going to look at his hair.

She's going to sniff his ass.

It's his mother!

They're dogs.

Hey, Swifty!

Hey. He used to be "Swifty"?

Like the wind.

What happened to him?

I don't know. What did you do?

Nothing. It was the scampi.

We call him Murray.

This is Mona.

This is her gift.

Are you kid... You telling me she made kugel?

No. It's her special meat loaf.

Oh! Isn't that nice?

Look, Murray, look!

Look what mommy made you.

Huh?

Look. Isn't that nice?

This is why 14 of her kids left home.

In other words, there's nothing you can do.

Nothing you can do.

We thought you'd want to know, the part of Murray's mother

was played by Murray's actual mother.

Seriously. Really. No kidding.

This dog is this dog's mother.

So, everything has been real on this show.

Hello?

Yes. Hold on one second.

It's your mother.

Ask her if it's about the scampi.

No, Paul. It's seriously your real mother.

My actual mother?

I'm not here. I'm not here.

We're doing the tag. Where you going to go?

Talk to her. Talk to her.

Mrs. Reiser?

No, no, no, I didn't write it.