Original subtitles

I thought you were going to buy cornflakes.

No. They were all out.

They had no cornflakes?

No, I'm lying.

Do we have bananas or did you finish them?

Yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, you finished them, or yes, we have no bananas?

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart As much as you ♪

♪ Tell me all your secrets ♪

♪ And I'll tell you Most of mine ♪

♪ They say nobody's perfect ♪

♪ Well That's really true this time ♪

♪ I don't have the answers I don't have a plan ♪

♪ All I have is you ♪

♪ So, darling Help me understand ♪

♪ What we do ♪

♪ You can whisper in my ear ♪

♪ Where we go ♪

♪ Who knows what happens After here ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump into The final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'm mad about you ♪♪

A Day at the Zoo.

I make a brilliant documentary on animal behavior,

and they want to call it A Day at the Zoo.

What's wrong with that?

What's wrong?

It's just... It's so... peppy.

Plus, they've had the film for a week.

So?

They won't like it.

They'll love it.

Nobody likes a documentary on Saturdays...

Traditionally.

Okay, there you go.

Can I get you anything else?

No, thanks.

I'm just going to go get your check then.

It's here.

Great. Okay. Right.

Did I mention what they want to call it?

Day at the Zoo? Really?

I have no business working for the family network.

Why would you say take this job?

I said nothing.

You should've.

They're so stodgy.

They said I could only shoot monkeys from the neck up.

No, they didn't. I swear.

Look at this.

These guys will pick up everything...

Clothes, records, pots, and pans, and...

Wow, they'll box it for you.

Isn't that unbelievable of them?

A Day at the Zoo.

What time's your meeting?

5:00. Oh!

Oh, what?

You can help me clean out the closets.

What?

I was trying to think of anything

I'd enjoy less than that,

and there isn't.

Picture this.

We pull everything out of the closet.

It's all messy and dirty and sloppy and bad.

We throw stuff away, put everything back,

and it's all nice and clean and orderly and good.

You know you want to.

Do you know what you have is a sickness?

I can do this alone,

but I'll throw away your Allan Sherman records,

and you'll get upset.

Well, don't do that.

I can't promise you.

They're autographed.

Let's go upstairs.

And clean a closet?

Okay.

This isn't right. Excuse me.

Excuse me, you charged us for pancakes,

but, remember, we didn't order pancakes,

You brought us pancakes.

Yeah. They're very popular.

Right, but I had eggs and a bagel,

and he had French toast.

And we split the oatmeal,

which you didn't charge us for.

Leave off the oatmeal and put on the pancakes.

Let's just pay her.

Yeah.

Are you throwing this out?

Definitely.

Can I have it? Sure.

Fish!

Boy, I'll tell you something.

There never would've been a Robocop 2 or 3,

if they called the first A Day at the Zoo.

Can I have this?

Sure.

I'm convinced someone sneaks in

and puts stuff in our closet.

What are you doing with my new coat?

Paul said I could have it.

What? Like I was paying attention?

Are you going to help?

You wanted to get organized, so I'll watch these tapes,

then I'd return them

and clear off that shelf for you.

I didn't even believe what I just said.

Hey, hey!

What are you throwing away there?

What?

No, no, no, no, no.

What is it?

This, my friend, is a piece of wood.

So?

I could build something.

Do you want a summer home or not?

Hey, have you seen our dog?

He's over there someplace.

I'm starving.

Want to order from someplace?

We're not really hungry.

Well, maybe your guest is.

So, why don't you go down to Riff's

and get something to eat?

Oh, sure, send me.

Listen...

Look at all these shoes.

This is what I've been saying.

We didn't even buy those.

Okay, I have the saved pile, the storage pile,

the Goodwill pile, and the paisley pile...

Which I don't even want to discuss.

Hey, what are you... Throwing out my Bullworker?

You never even took it out of the box.

Because, sadly,

I'm not strong enough to open the box.

We said only necessary items.

Oh, excuse me.

Like... Necessary like your pompoms?

I need those.

For what?

To cheer you on while you do your Bullworker.

Now you're talking.

It's isometric, isotonic,

and, plus... Look, it's got a power meter.

What is this?

That is a clarinet.

Is this the tape?

Yes.

This is the tape?

Yes, that is the tape.

I thought you were going to throw this out.

I did. I threw it in the closet.

You told me you burned this.

Ow!

Well, obviously, I didn't.

Somebody could've seen this.

Hey, I'm on there too.

My God!

I'll give you $1,000 to stop hitting me.

I'm getting rid of this.

No, wait! Come here!

What is the big deal?

We did it one time, and it was fun.

Plus we were young.

We were young. We were foolish.

Let me have it.

Why? Why?

We said that no one would ever see it.

But we can see it.

We can't. Why not?

Get rid of it.

Why can't we watch it?

Because it's wrong.

My hair was in between lengths.

Give me the tape.

What do you guys want to eat?

What's that?

It's a tape.

We're going to watch it?

No! No, no, no.

Why? What's on it?

Nothing, nothing.

Fine. I know what's on it.

What?

I know.

I do. Really. I just don't care to discuss it.

It's me, isn't it?

Yes.

Hey, Ursula.

Hey.

Wow, Gary, it came out great.

I'm Lisa.

Lisa. Good choice. I like Lisa.

So, um... How do you feel?

I need to get some stuff to go.

Yeah, no problem.

Hey, everyone, look who's back. It's Gary.

Did you throw it out?

Yes.

The incinerator?

You bet.

Do you think we should've?

It doesn't really matter because it's too late.

Maybe we should've watched it first.

You didn't want to.

I know. So?

You say throw something out, I do,

but you wish you still had it.

I do.

Yeah, here.

You didn't throw it out!

No, I didn't throw it out.

Let's watch it.

No, no!

We'll watch it one time.

One time. Then we're throwing it out.

Right the hell out, we'll throw it.

What are you doing?

Someone could see.

Oh, you. You're absolutely nuts.

Hey!

What?

I found Murray.

Murray, go on. Get in the other room.

He's comfortable there.

He shouldn't see this.

Oh, would you please?

Murray, go on. Go get the mouse. Get the mouse!

There's no mouse.

Shh.

Very nice.

All right. Here we go.

Now... are you ready?

Ready.

You've never watched this... honestly?

Okay, honestly? I... I... I almost did.

When?

Last weekend, when you were at your grandmother's thing,

and then I thought

just watching it by myself was too wrong.

I'm glad you waited.

All right.

What day at the zoo would be complete

without a visit to the possum family?

I don't remember this part.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

What?

When you were away,

remember I was trying to finish the zoo film

because I was really iffy about that section with the possums...

The possum in, possum out, possum in, possum out...

And I was cranky and exhausted

and missing you,

so I got our tape, and I said, "No,"

so I took out our tape and took a nap,

and that's when the messenger guy came

to pick up the zoo film,

and he was tall.

He's waiting, and he was surly,

so I shoved into a box and gave it to him,

and now I realize I've got the box to our tape,

but the tape to A Day at the Zoo.

The family network has a box to A Day at the Zoo!

How could you do this?

God!

Hit me again.

Oh, my God!

I'm back!

Jamie?

Paul?

Oh, this is real mature.

Where are they?

Fine. I know where they are.

Mr. Lark!

Mr. Buchman. Hi, how are you?

How are you?

Okay.

I see you got my tape there.

Oh, yes.

Have you watched that yet?

Oh, yes, I watched it.

Have you met my wife?

Hello.

Nice to meet you.

So you watched the tape?

Mr. Buchman, there seems to be some mistake.

I can explain it.

I thought you could.

And I'm going to.

And I'll be listening.

He never does this type of thing.

And neither does she.

In college,

when a bunch of us went to Nantucket,

I made lunch

while everyone else went skinny-dipping.

Honey...

What? I'm making a point.

It's just that we were young.

And foolish.

Sometimes things happen

between a man and a woman during the night...

I'm sure even yourself...

Between you and your wife in a very loving way.

But it's not something that's abnormal.

It's very normal.

It's just not normally done on tape.

Unless there's some cheesy guitar music,

which we would never consider.

We don't even have a guitar.

Which doesn't really explain why...

No, it doesn't.

It's just... It's just...

The messenger was so tall.

In other words, you're telling me...

Could I have that tape?

With pleasure.

Thank you.

Mr. and Mrs. Buchman, it's been enlightening.

Thank you.

Robocop 2?

What?

Robocop 2?

Oh, God.

What?

When you were away,

I rented, like, eight movies,

like Robocop 2,

and seven others you'd hate.

It's at the video store?

But the next day, I hadn't watched any,

so I returned them,

otherwise it would cost $1,200.

It's at the video store?

So I went right down to the video...

It's at the video store! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Road House, Road to Hong Kong,

Road to Rio...

Robocop, Robocop, Robocop. There's no Robocop 2.

Somebody rented it.

Ooh! You found it?

Robin and the Seven Hoods.

I didn't know you could get that.

Go find out who rented Robocop 2.

Yes.

Don't tell him what's on the tape.

Don't tell him it's you and me?

Just go.

Dutch, how you doing... good?

Everything's relative.

Listen...

You were right about The Pope of Greenwich Village.

Don't you love Eric Roberts?

"Pauly, they cut off my thumb.

They cut off my thumb..."

Hey!

What are you doing?

Nothing.

I've asked you not do that.

All right, all right.

Go over to Hanratty's and get me some eggs.

Any kind of eggs? I mean, cooked eggs...

Eggs!

Eggs.

I'll get that.

What can I do for you?

We're looking for Robocop 2.

It's out.

Who rented it?

Why?

Because I need to see it.

Why?

Because she saw the first one,

then she saw the third one,

so until she sees the second one, she's hanging.

Sorry.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

I'll have to ask you not to do that.

Let me talk to the man for a second.

Step into my office.

What is it worth to you?

You're offering me money?

Yes.

$237.

237?

I need snow tires.

That's how much snow tires are... $237?

Good ones.

Honey, I think we're okay.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Okay. Never mind. Thanks.

Well, wait. Where are you going?

Robin and the Seven Hoods.

Let's go!

6-E...

6-G...

6-J...

Roy Osterback.

What if he recognizes us?

He's not going to recognize us.

When I was in the seventh grade,

my friend Joel's father

had some cards with dirty pictures.

Years later, I saw a lady

who I could've sworn was the seven of clubs.

So I'm just saying...

Just knock.

Let me say this...

If he has watched the tape, and he critiques us,

I won't be able to live.

Okay.

Hey!

Hi.

Come in. I'm making lunch.

We're very sorry to interrupt.

No, don't be silly. Come on.

You're letting the heat out.

Um... I'm sorry. Do you recognize us?

Should I?

I don't know. Should you?

I give up. You want a drink?

No, listen, we're here to exchange this.

Here's Robocop 2.

I've got it rented.

Have you watched that?

You guys want something to eat?

No, no, no! Here.

Just pop these babies in the oven.

We're not hungry.

There's turkey, veal, and Salisbury steak.

Salisbury steak?

You're just in time if you want to watch it.

No!

What?

It would make us happy

if you'd let us exchange our tape for your tape,

then we'll leave.

No.

No?

I like this one.

He likes this one.

Bill, why don't you

get the tape out of the machine.

Bill, get the tape.

Bill!

Hmm?

I-I-I'm Bill.

Mm-hmm.

What's going on here?

That tape's been recalled.

Recalled?

That's correct.

Are you from the video store?

Hey, you guys want a Charlotte Russe?

Mr. Osterback...

We're from the Federal Communications Commission,

and we don't enjoy being paged on a Saturday

to do a video recall.

What is this? Some kind of government secret?

Just give us our tape,

and then enjoy your lunch.

Oh, don't worry. I'm good with secrets.

Um, Mr. Osterback...

watching this tape could affect your health.

How?

Tell him, Bill.

Bill!

I should tell him?

You should. I can't.

You have clearance. I do?

There's nothing wrong with this tape.

That's where you're wrong, Mr. Osterback.

The magnetic stripping is entirely defective.

There's no magnetic stripping.

How do you know?

Because I work in a video lab!

You do?

Yeah!

But you don't work with chloride-based tapes.

Chloride-based tapes?

That's right.

I never heard of that.

They've just come out with it.

The truth is what the chloride does is

it will "vinvectify" the entire tape.

Oh, my God.

Not always, but most of the time.

Oh, wow.

Careful now! "Vinvectification."

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Thank you. Let's go, Bill.

Are you sure you don't want a drink?

We've got to go.

I'll be up later, if you want to come back.

If they call, have them patch it through to central.

Got it.

That wasn't necessary.

I know.

Oh, good, Jamie, just lie there.

Would you stop being so hard on yourself?

Why am I so passive?

You're not.

Meanwhile, you ate all the chicken.

There's plenty of chicken.

Where? At the bottom.

Wow.

How did we do that?

We were young.

Why don't we do that anymore?

That's why.

That is what happened to that lamp.

I didn't break that lamp.

You did.

Excuse me. Pause. Whose leg is that?

Don't pause there. We look ridiculous.

I must say, I'm very proud of this performance.

Oh, we're almost near the end.

You're getting that look on your face.

What look?

You know, that really intense look.

What really intense look?

That look you get.

I don't make that face.

Run it back.

No.

Because you know I'm right.

You're not.

Fine. Give me the remote.

You're "vinvectifying" the chicken here.

Give me the remote.

Where are you going?

Show me.

Show me the face.

Do you think I'm afraid of you?

I want to see that face.

Paul! Paul! He's our man!

If he can't do it, no one can!

P-a-u-l, Paul Buchman!

I can't open this box.

Paul! Paul! He's our man!

If he can't do it, no one can!

P-a-u-l, Paul Buchman!

It won't open!

Paul! Paul! He's our man!