Original subtitles

Yum. Extra chunky.

Don't tell me I don't love you.

Mmm-mmm-mmm. Oh, it's so good.

I'm going. Will you be back by 6:00?

Because you got the thing tonight.

I'll see you later.

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart as much as you ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump into The final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

If we don't go now, we may as well not go.

Factory outlets on a Saturday... murder.

We take the tunnel to 46th,

46th west, service road to Secaucus.

That's how we beat the crowds.

Relax. We're going to be fine.

Want to hear the letter again?

Pauley, we heard it.

"Dear Paul."

Please don't do this now.

"saw your recent film..."

Blah, blah, blah.

"Enlightened.

A sensitive eye."

These outlet stores have lunch?

How can you think about food when there's 60% off?

"Artistic soul."

We'll eat afterwards. Let's just go.

"A lifter of human spirit."

If the good stuff is gone, I'm blaming you.

"With love, Yoko Ono."

See. It says "Yoko," then it says "Ono,"

So it's Yoko Ono.

It starts "Dear Paul" and then "love, Yoko."

It's very cool, Pauly.

Are we going?

Let's go.

Are you ready?

I've been ready.

Are you ready?

I'm waiting for you.

Let me read from this part. "Dear Paul..."

It's not stealing.

It's not not stealing.

Yes, it is.

How many shirts did you pay for?

Two.

How many shirts are in that bag?

They gave me an extra shirt.

You're still on this thing?

I'm teaching her a sense of right and wrong.

So you done with the Happy Delight shrimp?

We found out in the tunnel.

Did you want to drive back?

I would have felt better.

If nobody's eating the Wonderful Taste chicken...

What is this stuff?

Bean curd of Majesty and Wonder.

Next time we go back, we'll return the shirt.

Would you feel better?

Ordinarily, I wouldn't mind.

It's just that Yoko Ono...

Pauly.

She feels I'm a lifter of human spirits.

It doesn't look good for me

if my wife is a lifter of shirts.

Keep the beige one. Give back the taupe.

What is taupe?

Taupe, it's like beige.

The two I bought are beige.

I thought the first one was tan.

It looked tan, but it was beige.

That sweater I bought was beige?

That was off-white.

More like a camel.

That guy never said camel.

Of course not. Camel's not a selling point.

Does that sweater make me look lumpy?

No.

I'm getting a headache.

It's the MSG.

There's no MSG.

This whole thing with MSG is a myth.

My ma put Accent on everything. There was never an incident.

I'm so full, I could puke.

Thank you.

No!

Here you go, Frannie.

You never hand someone their fortune.

I thought it was electric wires you don't hand people.

You're supposed to take the one folded toward you

and pass it to the right.

No! You can't put it down after you touched it.

Tell me there's no MSG in her food.

"Sunny smiles make for pleasant days."

Bend over.

"You are loved by many."

"Bad luck follows the guilty."

Hey.

I'm not guilty. Who says I'm guilty?

Look at this. This is mine.

"Your wife is guilty,

and you're right all the time."

What's going on?

I had to use your phone.

See? Bad luck's already here.

Harriet...

What is wrong with your phone?

After 120 days,

they shut it off. Like I'm not going to pay them?

Did anybody call for us?

Harriet, that's why you should break up with her.

Honey, who called?

Your mother, my mother, your mother again.

What is this?

Yo-yo called.

Yo-yo?

Do you mean Yoko?

Whatever. She's your friend.

You didn't get a number?

I was on the other line.

Get off the phone, please.

Excuse me?

Lisa, you're being bad.

I'll call you back. What?

Do you know who that was?

Harriet. Doy!

No, no, before.

That was Yoko Ono who called.

It didn't sound like her. Hey, Lis...

Why would she be calling you?

Now I'll never find out

because you didn't get her number.

Call information.

How many Y. Onos can there be?

She'll call back.

How do you know?

She's Yoko.

What does that mean?

She just will.

I can't believe you didn't get her number.

Can I call Harriet,

or are you still yelling at me?

Please go elsewhere.

It's too late to call her now, anyway.

You know what time Yoko Ono goes to bed?

Yes, I do. I read an article in Vanity Fair.

"Sleeping Habits of the Stars."

Tony Randall takes naps.

Are you done?

Yes.

Ira, it's me. Did you call here

and pretend you were Yoko?

Swear to me.

Swear? If you're lying, I'll punch you in the lungs.

I don't know why she would call.

Huh? Hold on a second.

Tell him he doesn't look lumpy in his sweater.

You don't. I already said.

Stop with the lumpy sweater.

I'm going. Yoko may call back.

I don't know why she would call back.

I'll tell her you liked the poetry. Goodbye.

It wasn't Ira.

Excuse me very much. Yoko Ono called our home.

I understand.

What? What do you understand?

She called.

You know, you... you... you...

I can't believe...

Before me, you didn't even like The Beatles.

I liked them.

Oh, well, not enough.

I don't have to love everything you love.

Well, it wouldn't kill you if you did.

Which one do you like better?

Which one is stolen?

I didn't steal it.

It was given to me.

Yeah, well, still, it's ill-gotten gains.

Oh, ill-gotten gains?

Yes, ma'am. Gains that were illy gotten.

You eat grapes.

I don't know what you're saying.

In the supermarket.

Grapes in the supermarket? That's not stealing.

Besides, they factor that in.

They probably factor in the shirt.

They know once in a while somebody makes a mistake.

They're set up for that.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Wait. A grape isn't stealing, but a shirt is?

That's exactly right.

So what is the issue, size?

Size, value.

Wait. It's smaller than a shirt, but bigger than a grape.

What is?

What you're allowed to steal.

You're not allowed to steal anything.

Well, I didn't steal anything,

and I'm not driving back to New Jersey.

Close the window. It's freezing.

You should return it

because bad luck follows the guilty.

I know. Stop quoting our dessert.

Yeah, well... hey, hey!

What happened?

That was meant for you.

Is this the stupidest thing I ever bought?

Yes.

Well, stop me.

Stop.

I can't.

I have to punish myself for being so stupid.

Ow!

What happened?

That almost hit my foot.

Do you know what?

I think I'm getting your luck.

What luck?

The bad luck that follows the guilty.

That luck.

One day I'd like to try hitting you.

All right, fine. I won't say anything.

Okay, all right, come here.

If that shirt is not a jinx,

how come all of a sudden

I'm out of cereal?

Where?

Right here.

Right here. No cereal.

By the way, you notice it's my cereal.

No problem with your cereal.

So somehow you and I got all crossed

in the cosmos.

They got us confused.

Who?

Whoever they are. The people in charge there.

Damn. They got to make a thing

for getting the shell out of the egg.

Damn. Like an eggshell magnet thing.

Now what?

What have you got, a fur ball or something?

I got a little pit.

Heimlich me. Heimlich me.

If you can say "Heimlich," you don't actually need it.

Humor me, would you?

It's, like, stuck...

Okay, okay.

This is not so funny anymore.

What?

You know that taupe shirt?

It's trying to kill me.

Come on.

Since when are there pits in concentrate?

Are you kidding?

I was before. Now I'm not so sure.

Where are you going?

To turn your life around.

What are you doing?

I'm getting rid of the taupe shirt.

Thank you.

Are you happy?

I think we'll live longer now.

Hello. Yes, he's right here.

Hold on one second.

It's Yoko.

Ono?

I'm pretty sure.

The second you throw the shirt...

It's Yoko Ono on the phone.

Hel...

Hello?

Hi, hi.

Well, how are you?

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

That's very sweet. Thank you.

Tomorrow night? Well, we would love that.

My parents wanted to have dinner.

We will absolutely be there.

Oh, we look forward.

Thank you very much.

Bye, now.

What? What? What?

Got to go to a little cocktail party

at Yoko Ono's house.

Wow.

A little cocktail party at Yoko Ono's house.

Wow, wow, but you know what? Why?

Don't.

Why would she invite me?

Don't look for the bad in this.

I'm not. I'm not.

Maybe she wants me to do a film.

Maybe.

Maybe she has this rare Beatle footage

she wants me to look at.

I'm the only one she would trust to look at this stuff.

Wouldn't that be cool?

What am I going to wear?

Thank you for caring.

Wear whatever you want as long as it's not cursed.

I don't want anything to mess this up.

She loved your work. She's going to love you.

I'm going to do my strong, admiring wife thing,

which I got from her.

She's going to love me too.

You know what? Suddenly this is a good day.

Look what I found in front of your building.

It's still got the price tag.

This is going out the window.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Your back?

Pins! Pins! Ow! Ow!

Okay. I'll return it.

What time are we supposed to be there?

8:00-ish.

"Ish"? Yoko said "ish"?

She said it right on our phone, baby.

We are so cool!

We are very cool.

You don't even like The Beatles that much.

I like them.

Not enough.

I love Yoko.

Hey, what are you doing?

What?

Blouse of death! Blouse of death!

No, it's not.

That looks taupe to me.

It's beige. I returned the blouse of death.

You returned it? All right, all right.

Did you go to the dry cleaner's?

Yeah. Are you kidding?

Got my lucky jacket pressed.

You have a lucky jacket?

This is the jacket I was wearing

the time I got the great parking spot.

In front of Gristede's.

Honey...

I was wearing this the time we won the free pancakes

at the IHop... The scratch-off thing.

I'm not sure the jacket was...

Trust me.

This wool was worn by lucky lambs.

Who the hell is that?

I don't know. Would you get it?

Yes. I'm so much closer to the door than you.

Should I wear earrings?

Absolutely. Definitely.

What do I care what you're wearing or not wearing?

It's Fran.

Hi.

Hi. What's going on?

We're getting dressed.

You just missed the earring discussion by two seconds.

We're leaving in five minutes.

What's going on?

Nothing. What are you doing?

We're going to Yoko's.

Oh, right. Was that tonight?

Wow. Where are you going?

Nowhere. I'm free.

Fran, I can't just bring you.

I'm your best friend.

I can't.

I hired a babysitter.

I'm a widow.

You're divorced.

I'm divorced.

Could I borrow your earrings?

Sure.

Cute outfit.

The black offsets the taupe.

Shh!

What?

It's not taupe. I returned the taupe.

What are you doing?

I'm proving a point.

You ready?

Uh-huh! Call you in the morning.

I memorized the entire album where they were naked.

Good night.

You got cab money?

No.

I got money.

What was that?

It wasn't me.

I ripped my jacket!

Aww...

Well, wear the gray one.

It's my lucky jacket.

Fine. I will sew it in the cab.

How could I possibly rip my lucky jacket?

Are you sure that's not taupe?

I'm telling you, it's beige.

You said off-white.

It's so off-white it's beige.

Yeah, but...

It's not the one.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

Thank you.

72nd Street, please, and Central Park West.

Ohh...

See how lucky we are?

How are we lucky?

This is a Checker Cab.

There are six of these in the whole city.

I love the little jump seats. Ow!

Ow!

God.

You sure you returned the right shirt?

Yes. Give me your sleeve.

All right. Hey...

You should count your blessings.

What, you don't have a steak knife?

You could've ripped this at Yoko's.

You'd have been embarrassed.

Yeah, well...

Excuse me.

It says "no smoking" back here.

That's in the back.

Yeah, but still. Would you mind?

It calms me.

Fine. I understand.

227. Come in, 227.

Don't you 227 me.

What time are you getting home?

Make your own dinner.

Did it ever occur to you I might miss you?

We never cuddle anymore.

Explain to me the luck in this.

They're sweet.

You're right. I've been remiss.

You don't care. What do you care?

I'm out here driving

in bad weather with bald tires,

no brakes.

I could drive off a bridge.

You want me to drive off a bridge?

No. Nobody wants that.

What do you want?

I want you to pull your weight in this marriage.

I'm not working hard enough?

Fine. I'll pick up two fares.

Uh, excuse me... Uh, Rita.

You already...

Get in!

Just get me out of this city

and as close to England as possible.

Got it.

Stop on 72nd Street on the way, please.

I don't grab you Yanks.

I'm sorry. What did we do?

Oh, really.

Excuse me, this is the no-smoking section here.

I have no patience for health.

He's allergic.

Fine.

If we ever go to England, now we'll know someone.

Hey, you driving without your glasses again?

No.

Then what are they doing here on my desk?

You used to tell me I had pretty eyes.

Maybe we can get a little more air?

I'll toss it out. Will that make you happy?

Very much so, yes.

Fine.

Ooh! Ow!

Ow, I'm on fire!

Rita, pull over!

Ow!

What are you doing?

It's taupe, all right?

I was trying to prove a point.

You win.

Are you kidding? You practically killed me!

What are you looking at?

She reminds me of my mum.

There's a Macy's right there.

So what?

So I'll get another blouse.

They're having a sale.

How lucky.

Come on, we're already 20 minutes late.

Women's blouses.

Seventh floor.

Thank you.

Ahem.

Second floor...

Men's furnishings and accessories.

Wallets, belts, ties, cravats,

suspenders...

Excuse me.

Who are you telling this to?

You.

Watch bands,

hosiery,

handkerchiefs...

We really don't need to know this.

Would you rather just push a button?

No, no.

Sorry. Please, go on.

Go ahead.

Thank you.

Outerwear,

sportswear,

camping apparel,

tents,

huts, hats,

socks,

hip boots...

Seventh floor.

Women's apparel.

Casual wear,

evening wear,

active wear,

fun wear,

leisure wear...

Careful getting out.

Better dresses, miniskirts...

You got the blouse. Let's pay for it.

Yoko's waiting.

I just want to look at some shoes.

Well, these don't match anymore.

I will end your life right now.

All right, 72nd Street.

Where is Rita?

She's looking at shoes.

We're two hours late. Let's just forget it.

They already buzzed us up.

I'll bet we woke her.

Her parties go on all night.

I read it in Vanity Fair.

I actually did this time.

Good evening.

Hi.

Uh, Paul and Jamie Buchman.

Oh, yes. Come in.

Paul Buchman.

You're on the guest list for tomorrow night.

Right.

Did you say tomorrow night?

Yes. The missus comes back from London in the morning.

I don't know what... I... I... could've sworn...

Excuse us. We're very sorry.

Are you all right?

Actually, I'd love to use the powder room.

Of course, dear.

Right there, in the back.

Thank you.

I've had a very rough day.

Would you like some tea?

I would really love some tea.

Thank you. I'd love some tea.

And a cookie?

Make yourself comfortable.

I will be right back.

Thank you.

Excuse me...

Is that... is that actually his...

Yes.

Wow.

You're in heaven.

I'm in heaven.

See?

If there were a party,

we'd have to talk to people we don't know.

You'd never get near this.

Do you believe where we're standing?

Boy...

What I would give to sit at this piano

and play one note.

Well, go on.

No. No.

Go on!

No. It's not right.

Says who?

I don't know. I just feel like I shouldn't.

Will you do it for me?

Come on.

Ahem.

"Life with no f is a lie."

Duh.

Life with no...

"Confucius say, but who will listen?"

Ah, now this... yeah.

"Hats are wasted on a man with no head."

Haven't I said that?

My grandfather said that, and I wouldn't believe him.

Here it is again.

"When in doubt, cut to the skyline."