Original subtitles

Hey! Are you nuts?

I'm sorry.

We talked about that.

Don't do that.

You're nuts.

You're a big, nutty nut.

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart As much as you ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump Into the final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'm mad about you ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

As of today, the stock is at 21 and change...

He's running him all over the court.

Are you listening?

I'm listening.

For $10,000...

I'm no longer listening.

For $10,000, and I already got my half...

We could each own 500 shares.

How did Agassi miss a shot like that?

I could have hit that shot, and I don't even play tennis.

With this virtual reality stuff, you could play tennis.

What do you need me for?

Because that's how they're selling the shares, in chunks.

If I had 10 Gs, I wouldn't even need you.

You're talking about a lot of money.

Have you seen my course catalog?

Wow. Nice legs.

Your course catalog. I saw it.

Right there under the soda.

You used my future for a coaster?

Listen, Ira's got a thing.

What kind of thing?

An investment opportunity.

Goodbye.

There you go.

Pauly, you got to believe me.

This could be our shot.

Who says we even get a shot?

Everybody gets a shot.

I don't know that everybody gets a shot.

Have I ever led you down the wrong path?

You have never led me

down any type of path whatsoever.

Forget about it.

Where you going?

Home. You're making me nuts.

See you.

I'm leaving.

I understand.

See you later.

Bye.

Oh, come on, Pauly. This is a small company.

It could become like Sony.

We could make a million bucks.

Think of what you could do with half a million dollars.

I know what I'd do.

I'd go to the Plaza Hotel gift shop,

I'd buy a pen.

One of those big, fat pens for $119.

That's what you'd do?

And buy one for the wife.

Two pens.

Well, there you go.

What do I need a pen for $119 for?

Do me a favor. Just meet the guy.

How come nobody's heard of him?

He was an engineer for a toy company.

Who's going to hear of him?

I'm telling you, this is like investing in Steven Spielberg

when he was directing Columbo.

Spielberg directed Columbo?

Yes.

Hey, you remember Janet Leigh in Psycho?

Sure.

You remember the first time you saw the co-ops on her?

Fondly.

Well, with virtual reality, I'm telling you,

it's like you could actually touch them.

How much is virtual,

and how much is reality?

Come see for yourself.

I'm going to meet the guy tomorrow.

You sure Spielberg directed Columbo?

Positive.

So, what do you think, Pauly?

Janet Leigh, good actress.

So, what do you say?

Maybe.

Just come and see it. That's all I'm asking.

What time are you meeting him?

Two.

2:00?

No, the year 2 BC.

Call me tomorrow, and I'll meet you.

Good.

2:00 what? What's 2:00?

I'm going to meet Ira.

For what?

For brunch.

On a Tuesday?

For lunch.

A brunch-lunch.

We're going to go eat something.

What?

I'm just going to go see the thing.

See what thing?

Virtual reality.

I swear that's all I know.

Look at this.

I'm an electric Kitty Carlisle.

This is Interactive II.

It's more advanced than my earlier model.

Your earlier model?

When was this, when you were 8?

No, 7.

With this, you create your own cyberspace.

The picture and sound are fully digital.

It offers a menu

of over 1,000 images that you're able to interact with.

Could I have that? Thank you.

What was this?

That's you.

That's a digital image of you.

Let's put this on.

I'm not going to get electrocuted, am I?

You can be. It's on the menu.

Hey, hey, what am I, Shemp?

All right.

Alrighty.

You're sure this looks cool?

Yeah.

Put your thumb on the cursor.

Take it away.

Look at this...

Astronauts, baseball, Broadway,

Brinkley, David,

Brinkley, Christie,

Buddhism,

Christie Brinkley.

I wanted Brinkley. How'd I get Bus Stop?

Hi. Can you help me?

I've got an itch.

It must be this damned garter belt I'm wearing.

Got a garter belt problem?

Yeah. If you could just give it a little scratch.

Okay.

On the inside.

Ooh, yes.

Oh, that's perfect.

Uhh!

Hi.

Is this cashmere?

No, it's not real.

Well, but you're not exactly real either.

Are you complaining?

No, no, no, not at all, no.

Would you like to go to the beach?

I'll go anywhere you like to do anything you like

for as long as you like.

If you don't mind,

I'd love for you to rub some of this on my back.

I just like this so much.

It's okay to do it hard.

Am I being too gentle?

No, it's just perfect.

I just want you to know

you can't do it too hard or too soft.

Everything you do is just right.

That's what I think. Thank you.

Tell me about your work.

Are you kidding me?

No. I want you to rub my back while talking about you.

This is really very, very, very, very good.

You have a nice back.

Honestly?

That's such a lonely word.

What? No, that's "honesty."

Are you sure?

"Honesty" is the lonely word.

Are you positive about that?

No, no, you're right, you're right.

Okay, okay, time's up.

Time's up.

I'm in, I'm in, I'm in.

I'll have coffee,

and he'll probably have tea.

Actually, I'll just wait till he gets here.

Now, are you expecting someone else?

Yes.

Okay.

You should have seen this thing.

Hi.

Phenomenal. Phenomenal.

I've read about this stuff. It's supposed to be amazing.

It's unbelievable.

You had fun?

Yes, and they're selling shares of this thing.

Oh, God, did Ira invest?

Ira's got a piece of it.

He's so gullible.

Well, no, Ira's pretty shrewd.

Since when?

Now, this is for when he gets here.

Ira... Don't underestimate Ira.

He's got his ears

and his fingers into everything.

He knows what's going on.

I'm surprised he didn't try to talk you into it.

I am too, but if he had,

I don't know what I would have done.

I think somebody's going to make a fortune on this.

Somebody could lose a fortune too.

Like who?

Like Ira or any other poor slob who invests.

I don't think so.

As a matter of fact,

I think this is something you and I should consider.

We're not investing in a video game.

It's not a video game.

This is... it's wild.

It's interactive, you know, so it's cyber... cyber...

What is it?

Cyber... cyber... cyber something.

This is where technology is headed.

Says who?

Says this 14-year-old kid who teaches at Columbia.

I think it's a bad idea.

I think it's a good idea.

Not for us.

I'm not working.

I just don't think it's smart.

Yeah, but this is going to be huge.

What if it's not?

Why are you being so negative?

I'm not. I'm being practical.

Sometimes it's not good to be practical.

Sometimes you've got to take a risk.

That way, you can watch your money grow

and be happy about the fact

that you got in on something like this

when you could.

You already invested, didn't you?

Did you order already, because I...

Pardon me?

Do they still have the chicken thing?

How long are you going to go

without talking to me?

Eventually, you'll come home

and say, "look how much money

we made on your investment."

So, you want to fool around?

Uh, you know, it's not like I bought a house or something.

It doesn't matter. It's the principle.

I did it for us.

Then why didn't you tell us?

I did.

After the fact.

I had to give them the money today.

Otherwise, the shares would have been gone.

I would never do that without talking to you.

So you're a different person.

You invest our money

in something you know nothing about?

I went down there.

I played with the thing.

You play some video game once, and you have to have it?

It's not a video game. I keep telling you.

What's the difference?

You can't even compare.

On this, you can do anything you want.

You can ski on the Alps,

you're riding a raft through the Colorado River,

be in the space shuttle,

you can sing on Broadway.

You're on stage.

Everything you do, it's like you're doing it.

You're right there.

Could we do these things together?

Of course, yeah.

What did you do?

I gave Christie Brinkley a massage.

She had an itch.

Listen, I got to tell you, it's phenomenal.

You can't believe what this is.

It's like...

It's Christie Brinkley.

I'm looking at Christie Brinkley.

I'm talking to Christie Brinkley.

Christie Brinkley's talking to me.

Christie Brinkley and I were talk...

You could see her.

I could feel Christie Brinkley.

They had this oil,

so she asked me to put it on her.

I'm rubbing oil right on her.

I'm telling you,

you've never felt skin like this.

You're a little, little man.

What?

You could choose anything,

and you chose to be with another woman?

I was waiting for a bus. She started it.

Ohh.

She did.

Have you no shame?

It's not like I was really with her.

You just told me how incredibly real it was.

Yes, but I didn't know that.

As soon as I realized how real it was, ten minutes

I shut it off.

Oh, God.

I turned the whole thing off.

Come on. You never fantasize?

Yes, but I don't do anything about it.

I didn't do anything.

I virtually did it. That's the beauty.

It wasn't just sex. We went to the beach.

She's really nice.

Do yourself a favor. Stop talking.

I can't believe this bothers you.

Well, believe it.

It's a video game!

Where did you go?

I had to run some errands.

You still mad?

No.

Really?

About which, deceiving me or cheating on me?

I can't believe you're not over this.

Over what? I don't know.

That's my point.

Please tell me what I did.

You were just wrong,

wrong all over the place.

Just a general wrongness?

Could you be more specific?

No, that covers it.

You know, you're a very odd potato.

You come in here,

and all you have is a blurry sense

that something is wrong.

The only thing you'll pinpoint is that it's all me.

Yes. None of what's going on is you?

Not today, no.

No.

Do you want me to stop the check?

No, I want you to admit you were wrong.

I may have been a few minutes too impulsive.

No, no. That's not it.

Listen, it's not impossible that my judgment was impaired

by the enthusiasm...

Can't you just say you were wrong?

This isn't the most right I've ever been.

You are pathetic!

What? How am I pathetic?

Forget it. Is there coffee?

I was going to make some,

but I thought I should check with you first.

What did you do?

What did I do?

What did you do?

Let's just keep saying that.

Our little partner just called me

from his bike phone.

His people are furious.

What did I do?

You stopped the check.

I didn't...

Sweetie?

Honey, these errands that you ran,

did you happen to go by the bank?

Yes, I did.

Did you stop the check?

Yes, I did.

How do you do that without talking to me?

You invested our money without talking to me.

Wait a minute.

You didn't tell her?

Oh, shut up.

Shame on you!

You see that? Even him.

May I speak here, as the voice of reason?

No.

All I'm saying is we got a chance

to make a very sound investment

that can put us on Easy Street.

I'm not doing this.

I am.

There you go.

He didn't want to do it till he saw it.

So?

You might want to see it.

That's fair. Go see it.

If you still say no...

It will be no?

Then we'll talk.

Look at this. You can climb Mount Everest

from the privacy of your own home.

Put it on the list.

River rafting, hang gliding, shoes.

What about shoes?

It's got to be buying them.

Either that or being one.

Space shuttle, surfing...

I don't know what to pick.

You can design your own.

I'm telling you, be the Pope.

Why?

Are you kidding? Free rent,

all the loose-fitting clothes you could wear,

plus we could drive around in that little bubble car.

Fine. Be a shoe.

There's just too many choices.

Just do what Paul did.

I'd like to think

I have more imagination than that.

Ooh, look. Sean Connery.

Where?

Once she's in that helmet, we'll never see her again.

Wait till she gets Gerard Depardieu's hands

on her ass.

Who is that, that fat French guy?

Well, whoever she wants.

What makes you think it's going to be a who?

You picked a who.

Yeah, but she won't.

A who bothers you?

No.

You think she'll find somebody better than you?

Where? In the helmet.

There's nobody in...

It's... it's not real.

Like who?

Relax. She knows there's better guys out here than you,

and she picked you anyway.

See, nothing you say helps me.

Let's go. I said we'd be there by 3:00.

Let Jamie finish her lunch.

You ready?

I'm ready.

You'll love this.

You figure out what you're going to do?

I've narrowed it down.

Yeah, to what?

Whatever.

I hear that convent thing is spectacular.

You understand how it works?

I use these buttons to select the fantasy

and these to interact with it?

Right.

And this, the digital image of you we just took.

Here you go.

It fits okay?

Yep.

See you in 10 minutes.

Have a ball.

Bye.

So?

Wow.

You all set there?

Yep.

You feel good about your choice?

Yeah, very.

I hear good things about the skydiving thing.

It's not skydiving.

Yeah, well, what or whoever.

Why, would a who bother you?

No, why?

It might mean you were wrong.

It's good you're letting that go.

Why don't you just admit you were wrong?

Will you go away?

All right, all right, all right.

Enjoy. Do whatever you want to do.

Okey-dokey.

All right.

It's going to be a who...

See you later.

Aw.

Excuse me.

Would you get a token out of my pocket?

Here you go.

Thank you.

Hi.

Oh, fancy meeting you here.

What happened to your little friend?

Who, him?

I guess he was waiting for the bus.

So just, like, a big coincidence?

I guess.

Oh.

What am I doing here?

I wanted you here.

I don't get it.

The fact that I could pick anything

and I picked you?

Did you read the whole brochure?

Yeah.

Wow.

Hmm, go figure.

Want me to rub some oil on your back?

No, thanks.

Want me to talk about myself?

Well, you must want something.

Hmm.

You can have anything that...

I was wrong.

Excuse me?

I'm saying...

I was so wrong.

I didn't quite hear you.

You can pick anything...

I was wrong. I was just wrong.

You were right. I was wrong.

I was so wrong,

the vastness of my wrongness was staggering.

It was astounding how wrong I was.

To not be able to admit I was wrong,

more wrong.

Let's go.

I have eight minutes left.

I was wrong.

I was wrong.

Honey, give him a check.

Hi.

Oh, hi, honey. You're home.

I just spoke with Lisa.

Fran might be coming over.

I was about to take Murray for a walk.

How was your day?

Christie? That's my part.

We talked about this.

Um, here, um...

Helen, let her play.

Those are my pajamas.

I know. Just...

Have you seen the rest of the apartment?