Original subtitles

All right, come here. Stand right here.

There. Tell me you don't hear it.

I don't hear it.

Wait a second.

Okay, now. You don't hear that?

I don't hear it.

It's humming.

It's like a high hum.

You don't find it annoying?

Yes, I do.

I meant the hum.

Why do you let this stuff bother you?

I don't let it.

You look for it.

I don't look for it. It's like you.

You can't let go of the slanty floor?

Well, that slants.

It doesn't slant.

Oh, come on. Right here it slants.

Whoa! Every time I'm here, I'm telling you.

I don't feel it because there's no slant.

You don't feel it? You've lived here all these years?

Every time I come in here: Whoa!

Every single time. I think it's at the bottom.

I'm not even as tall as I am down here.

Whoa!

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart As much as you ♪

♪ Let's take Each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump ♪

♪ Into the final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

Murray, I never knew you had a thing for terriers.

I thought you were like, a poodle man.

No, no, no, no, I'm not judging.

How is it out?

It's a little nippy.

Sweater nippy or jacket nippy?

Cold as hell nippy.

Ask me again. I like saying nippy.

You want to come with me?

Where are you going?

Going up to 44th Street to pick up my mother's watch,

and then to 1st Avenue to buy a new bath mat and some towels.

Wow. Okay, first of all, not only don't I want to go,

but had I gone and you led me to such places,

I would literally never forgive you.

Want to at least come and have brunch with me?

No. You know what? I'm tired. I'm just going to hang out.

All right. See you when I get back.

Okay. You have fun.

Want to go to Dvorik's and get some shoes?

Not so much.

You need shoes.

Yeah, but you know what, I'm just going to...

If I get a bath mat you don't like...

You won't hear a peep out of me.

Would you mind turning the music down?

Hal has a me-graine.

A what?

A me-graine. A headache.

You try giving him some a-spirin?

I beg your pardon?

We'll turn it down.

Thank you.

I hate her.

It's not even loud.

You won't even come have brunch with me?

I can't. I got to wait for the handyman.

You're going to spend a whole Saturday inside

because of some stupid hum in a refrigerator?

It was a hum, now it's a buzz.

If it was a hum,

I would have lived with it, believe me.

Fine. Goodbye.

Should I get light or dark?

What?

The bath mat.

Light.

What if we... Dark.

But don't you think...? Light.

Dark!

You see what they do, Murray?

They try to wear you down.

You must never, ever fall for that.

Whereas that you can't fight.

How long can it take to buy a bath mat?

I don't really know, and frankly,

I don't want to find out.

We'll go there first, and then you can come home.

Never going to happen my friend.

Oh, I love that expression.

There you go.

Oh, well... That was tea, but...

Right. Okay.

That is good.

Meanwhile, I ordered mozzarella, not jack.

You can tell the difference?

Yeah.

Oh, good for you.

You don't need that.

You don't need a bath mat and you're getting one.

We do need a bath mat. The one we have is torn and faded.

But it does the job, you know?

It gets between the warm foot and the cold tile every time.

And let's be honest, that's what we're paying the bath mat to do.

Fine. You don't want to go, just say so.

Okay, do you guys have another credit card?

Sure. What's the matter?

I had to cut this one up.

You... What do you...? What?

Yeah.

Why? Why would you do that?

They told me to.

Who?

Right. The voice over the phone.

Did you pay the Visa bill? Of course I paid the Visa bill.

So why would they tell her to cut it up?

I don't know. Must have been a mistake.

What kind of mistake is that?

I don't know. The computer?

It's not even like they declined it.

They told her to literally cut it in half? They said that?

What kind of terrible thing would it say

in that computer about me?

Won't go with wife to the bath store?

That's good. Make a joke.

It's not a big deal.

Okay. Better?

Yeah. This one was much easier to cut.

Are you kidding?

Oh, now it's a big deal?

You didn't even bring me the right cheese.

Okay.

You know what, honey? Let's just pay cash.

All right? This is just about there.

All right? Nice big tip for you

for ripping up our cards. Thank you.

I've got like $1.04 to my name.

We can go to the cash machine

on our way to the bath store.

All right. Great. I'm not going to the bath store.

You know why it's taking so long?

It's not a bank, it's an "ank."

What, is this guy entering his fail-safe code?

I have to get enough for the bath store.

What is it with the bath store?

It's like the biggest thing in your life now.

Hmm?

Why don't you just ask the man to take his pants off?

All right, all right.

Then you can see what is and what isn't.

I can't believe that waitress rips my card right in half.

She did it to mine too.

No, I'm saying I can't believe she ripped your card,

that she would do that to you,

is what upset... English or Spanish?

Why would they give it to you in English?

So if you speak Spanish,

you can't even understand the choice.

Okay.

It's working out.

Withdraw from...

Checking.

Checking.

Oh, I love that sound.

Right in half. She just rips it right in half.

"Cannot complete transaction.

Your card is confiscated."

Why is this?

What?! They can't do that.

Hey! Hey!

Your friend with the nice ass took all the money.

Use the phone.

Why don't we just go in?

Because the phone is faster.

I'm already on hold.

Oh, God. I hate Harry Connick.

What do you mean? You like Harry Connick.

It's the new one.

Oh.

Why don't we just go in?

Yes. Hello. Your machine ate our card.

Yes. No.

Fine.

Just go in.

Hello. What can I do for you?

Your cash machine ate my card up.

Oh, it does that sometimes.

May I have your cash card number?

Sadly, no, because the cash card number's

on the actual cash card itself,

which, as I mentioned earlier in the sentence,

was eaten by your machine.

Let's solve this together, shall we?

Please, sit down.

Your name?

Buchman. That's B as in "ank."

Ooh, look at all the Buchmans.

I'm twelfth.

Paul.

What?

Oh, Paul.

Ooh, look at all the Pauls.

We have 10,000 accounts in this branch alone.

And two tellers open.

Hmm...

I think I've found your problem.

Oh, which is what?

You're dead.

Excuse me?

He's dead.

In the sense that what?

It says here that you died two days ago.

I'm so sorry.

Well, clearly, I'm not dead. See? Look.

Well...

It says you are.

Can you make it say otherwise?

Bring me back to life?

I'm afraid I'm not authorized to do that.

Well, probably it's one of your other Paul Buchmans.

Probably. Do you keep joint accounts?

Mm-hm.

Oh. As long as you're dead, she's dead too.

So how do we fix this?

Oh, you just fill out these forms

and give them to my supervisor, Mr. Williams.

I bet he's gone for the weekend, isn't he?

Yes, he is.

He has a house on Montauk...

And a companion.

Are they happy?

Very.

We don't really care.

Okay.

So, what happens now?

Um... I'm afraid you're both dead till Monday.

That's why I felt so tired.

I can't find this guy's obituary anywhere.

Found a quarter.

Seventeen more of these and one of us can go to a movie.

Meanwhile, where is this guy?

Do me a favor. Next time you're dead,

do it on Friday so I can cash a check.

Here it is, here it is, here it is.

Buchman. Buchman, Paul David.

Blah, blah, blah.

"Manhattan...

Survived by family, friends, and dog."

Oh, a dog. That's sad.

"Services today, Everly Chapel, 2:00."

He's a Shriner.

Wonder what they do with the hat.

Maybe they bury him in it.

Just seems like such a waste.

Did you hear something?

Yeah, like a... pfft.

Yeah.

Maybe we won something.

We may already be a winner.

It's from the landlord.

"Condolences on your loss.

"Vacating the premises

"requires 60 days notice.

Sadly, Mel Wertzel."

Very nice of Mel to think of you

in your time of need.

I'm never giving this place up.

What do you need all this space for?

I don't know. Everything is here.

Everything except me. Because I be dead.

Can we stop this?

I wonder how he died. They don't say how he died.

Yeah, me too. I was just wondering the same thing.

What are you doing? You're depressing me.

Come on, let's go out.

And do what? We're dead...

And broke. We're dead and broke.

We've got to have something.

Don't we have like, an emergency 20 somewhere?

I spent it.

On what?

Fruit.

It was an emergency.

When did we have a fruit emergency?

I didn't want to tell you.

I'm going to check all my pockets.

Found another quarter.

I'm so sorry.

What did we do now?

I realize that Hal and I

haven't been the best of neighbors at times.

You started a petition.

I can't tell you how stunned we were

when we read the obituary this morning.

Really?

Well, thank you.

You know, Paul always wanted so much

for you to like him.

And we tried, but, um...

Why speak ill?

You must be devastated.

Ah, easy come, easy go.

I beg your pardon?

Listen, you don't know any single men, do you?

Single men?

Ooh, eats. Fantastic. I have a date tonight.

Even the Kramdens, they always had $12 they kept...

Hi, how are you?

Ooh. That's just rude.

What the hell was that?

I was toying with her little British head.

Did you find any money?

Four dimes and a Necco wafer.

When did you buy Necco wafers?

1972.

Can't you teach your sister to knock?

Leave her alone.

Hey, what's up? Hey.

Well, I'm dead.

You're dead? I didn't get in till 4:00.

What is this from?

Your doorman was holding them for you.

"So long, old sailor."

Probably the wrong Paul Buchman.

I'd say so. Sure.

Do you have any English muffins?

Do you have any money?

You're going to charge me?

No. We need to borrow a few dollars.

What's a few dollars?

I don't know. 20 or 30 bucks.

Really not comfortable with that.

I'm sorry. What?

It creates bad vibes.

How about the like, $600 you owe us?

See?

You have two 10s. I'm taking one.

Okay, but just remember it's a loan.

Of course.

Hey, why don't we deduct it

from the amount you already owe us?

What kind of scam is that?

We will pay you back.

Soon. Hey, any bacon?

Go look.

"So long, old sailor."

That's just what it comes down to, isn't it?

Kind of sad, isn't it?

Yeah. Well, not necessarily.

He was old,

and he could sail, and he had a dog.

So that's a full life, huh?

You're really putting the whole puzzle together,

aren't you?

Here's what I got.

This guy, he had a boat.

He had a big mahogany 50-foot beauty,

and he would sail, he would just sail all over the world,

just him and his dog.

And his wife. You didn't let me finish.

And his wife... Ellen.

I've decided Ellen.

And they would sail, the three of them,

and he was a fighter.

You know, he would drink a lot.

He was a drinker and a fighter.

And he would... He knew sea chanteys.

That's what I'm thinking, he knew sea chanteys,

and he would sing the chanteys to his wife

as he beat the crap out of others.

That's what I think he did.

What are you doing?

I'm calling the florist so they can pick them up.

Oh, they're not going to care.

Well, we can't keep them.

Hey, you know what we should... Why don't we bring them over?

Where?

To the chapel.

I think Paul should know

that he got a lovely arrangement here.

Oh, come on. What?

You don't care about this guy's flowers.

You just want to meet him.

I want... The dead guy? I want to meet the dead guy?

That's, like, the sickest thing you've...

All right, a little bit. Yeah.

Forget it. Why? Come on.

We can't afford to do anything else.

We're not crashing a funeral.

It's going to be fun. No.

It's on the way to the bath store.

Okay. See?

Hello! How are you today?

Why am I asking?

You must be sad.

No, uh...

This is the Buchman funeral?

Sign the book. I'm right back.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

He said to sign the book, so I'm just signing...

Ooh, what should I put?

I shouldn't put Paul Buchman.

They'll think I'm clowning around.

Um... Pete?

Fine.

Pete... Pete.

I don't look like a Pete.

Leonard.

Leonard? I look like a Leonard to you?

Just sign it. All right, then.

Who do you want to be? Just put Mr. and Mrs.

I thought you hate that.

Because last time we were at the Hilton,

you said your identity gets all blurry.

Donna.

Donna?

Donna's good. Good.

Leonard and Donna.

Ah...

That's probably him.

It better be. Come on.

Just put the flowers down and let's go.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Oh, look. Look. His little hat.

Honey, let's go.

You want to look?

What?

Sometimes they like to look.

No, no, no, no. Thanks. No.

Who can blame you?

Death. What a crazy business.

Wait a second.

Is it really okay to look?

That's what he's here for.

What, are you kidding?

Come on, I'm just curious.

This, you know, this could be me in there.

Then you, my friend, you would have to remarry.

Beautiful young girl like this

would remarry very fast.

Thank you.

Who would you marry?

I don't know. You want me to be a widow?

No, I just want to know who the guy is.

You're dead. Why's it your business?

Here. This is for you, for whenever.

Thank you.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

You don't need this. My parents have the guy...

Oh, that's right. Come on. No, wait a second.

I'd like to know who this guy is you're marrying?

Don't start.

Maybe we should look for a triple plot.

There is no guy.

If I'm going to be buried next to the guy,

I'd like to be introduced. You won't be next to him.

I'll be in the middle. You make a joke like that...

It's good to see you.

It's good to see you.

You don't recognize me, do you?

I got to say... you know, I'm trying, but, uh...

Monty.

Monty. Yes, and I am, uh...

Gladys' kid, right?

That's exactly... Yes, of course.

And you must be, uh...

Donna. Donna.

Donna.

So how do you like Toronto?

We like it.

You know, it's nippy.

It's nippy, but it's friendly,

so we enjoy it there in Toronto.

Paul said that he loved your cabin.

He said that? He was at the cabin?

Sure. He used to write to me a lot.

What was it about him, do you think, really?

He was Paul Buchman, one of a kind.

I'd like to get this guy's number.

Okay, we've had enough fun.

Wait a second. Did you hear what he said?

One of a kind.

Paul Buchman was one of a kind.

Now he's gone. But you're not.

I know, but I could be. Honey, come on.

I mean, look, as far as Visa and everybody else is concerned,

that's me. I am in there.

You know?

Oh, honey, I feel terrible.

I haven't told your mother yet,

but I left her a message.

Your husband was a good man,

a good man.

Bad credit, but...

I'm so sorry.

I had the worst weekend. Oh!

Did he mention that $10 he owes me?

Yes, he did.

Great. Thanks.

Okay.

Man, does that dress look good.

You're here.

Of course I'm here.

What did you think, I'd miss this?

Well, then, who's that?

Who is that?

Oh! I guess I'm not so here.

I mean, I'm here, but I'm there,

so that's... interesting, huh?

You mean you're a ghost?

That's what I'm thinking,

because otherwise this makes absolutely no sense

to be in two places. That's it. I must be a ghost.

How am I going to live without you?

What are you talking about? I'm here.

But you're dead.

Well, that's the bad news.

What's the good news?

Good news is,

I have been assigned to haunt you.

How are you going to haunt me?

Same as before.

You never haunted me.

You just did annoying things once in a while.

Like what?

What difference does it make? I'd like to know.

It doesn't matter now. You say something like that...

I'm saying once every blue moon. Well, yeah, like...

Like this kind of thing. Yeah, well, boo.

God, you look good.

Oh, it's unbelievable.

You can eat whatever you want.

You know what I had for breakfast?

Four eggs and a pie.

I never shave. It's unbelievable.

I want to go with you.

Well, you can't. You have things to do.

Like what?

Don't you have to get a bath mat?

Suddenly, that doesn't seem so important now.

Jamie. Come on. We're double-parked.

Hey, hey, hey, wait a second.

What?

Uh, nothing. Nothing.

Go ahead.

Have a good life.

You too.

I did.

Really?

Yeah.

Go.

James?

Um, come here a sec.

Just... Maybe it's silly, but you know...

You know, I was thinking...

Oh, why did you have to do that?

Because I figured...

Yeah, but play fair.

Go. Enjoy yourself.

Oh, fat chance now.

I know.

Forget it.

Ooh!

What?

Hey, hey.

What was that for?

Just like this.

So sad.

Oh, it's sad, the whole thing.

It's all sad. It's amazing.

You know, he sailed all around the world

and never had so much as a cold.

Then one morning he steps out of the shower,

slips, and breaks his neck.

If only he had a bath mat.

Whoa! There's a slant. You're right.

Whoa! Absolutely right.

There's a big slant right there, like a whoa!

Told you.

Yeah. Sorry I doubted you.

You hear the hum? I don't.

You don't hear the hum? Hm-mm.

I felt the slant.

Honey, I'm really trying.

Person gives you a slant, you give them a hum.

I'm sorry, I don't hear it.

What am I, crazy? There's a hum there.

There's no hum.

There's a big hum.