Original subtitles

Oh, man, he was right.

He was just teasing you.

Teasing me? Guy tells me I look like Charles Laughton.

He's teasing?

Maybe he was talking to somebody else.

Son of a bitch calls me Charles Laughton.

Charles Laughton was a terrific actor.

Terrific, yeah, but he had like nine chins.

He had a huge, huge chubby face.

You are not getting a chubby face.

Did you ever see Henry VIII?

He was the guy, he'd rip open half a goose

and eat it right there at the table.

You look gorgeous.

I'm getting this double chin.

You are not. Go like this:

Now go like this:

Mm.

Little bit.

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart As much as you ♪

♪ Tell me all your secrets ♪

♪ And I'll tell you Most of mine ♪

♪ They say nobody's perfect ♪

♪ Well, that's really True this time ♪

♪ I don't have the answers I don't have a plan ♪

♪ All I have is you ♪

♪ So darling Help me understand ♪

♪ What we do ♪

♪ You can whisper in my ear ♪

♪ Where we go ♪

♪ Who knows what happens After here ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump Into the final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'm mad about you ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪♪

Listen to those high notes.

I'm telling you.

I need you to taste this.

Listen to this.

Mm. That's a good finger.

What about the pasta?

Pasta's also good.

Really?

Yeah. Listen to this.

It's flat.

How is that flat? It's gorgeous.

I mean the pasta.

It's bland. It's flat.

It has no purpose.

How much purpose could it have?

There's nothing special about it.

It's a noodle. We eat it and then we get rid of it.

Yeah, but what's the point?

Honey, do yourself a favor.

Grab the ladle, give yourself a little tap on the head.

Does allspice really have every spice?

Yes it does, everything except paprika.

Really?

How do I know?

Why'd you make so much?

Because Lisa's coming over.

I'm sorry?

My sister's coming over for dinner.

What?

Naw, I just thought it was going to be you and me tonight.

Then you were fooled.

Better?

Yeah. What'd you put in there?

Everything.

That's what it needed. It's much better.

I mean, why doesn't she just... Just...

What a clever, clever girl.

It means she's happy.

Don't go hide in the bedroom.

Hey.

Hi.

I'm famous.

My shrink wrote a book.

Manics?

That's been done. Years ago. Mike Connors. Big hit.

No. Manics. Like more than one manic.

Chapter 26.

Weep for me.

"Chapter 26.

Edna on the road to nowhere."

Who's Edna?

Me. I'm Edna.

Wow, I can see why you'd be so proud.

How do you know it's you?

"resentful of her mother's large breasts,

"Edna doused her brassieres in kerosene and ignited them."

Oh, my God.

Your mother's got large breasts?

When she was younger.

Then what happened?

They went away. We don't know. Nobody asks.

Isn't this great?

Great? This is terrible.

Are you okay?

Sure. I'm Edna.

This is so sad.

I know, it's the saddest chapter in the whole book.

What about this guy: "Henry out on a ledge"?

Oh, nothing.

Guy had a couple breakdowns. Boo-hoo.

Ah, listen to this, interesting:

"Edna's earliest sexual fantasy

"can be traced back

to her youthful preoccupation with clay."

I just really don't need to know that.

This is tragic.

I know.

So why are you so happy?

I'm on a road. I've never had a road before.

She's got a road.

But it's a road to nowhere.

At least it's a direction.

You're right. You are.

We should celebrate this.

Ugh.

Too spicy?

Ugh.

Paul liked it. Didn't you?

Or we could go out.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

I love hot wax.

You know,

it makes a very tasty beverage, too.

There you go.

I'm sorry, this is what?

Right, that's your check.

Unless you want to get something else.

I thought we'd order dinner first.

Oh, right.

What can I get you?

Menus.

And some water.

Menus and water.

That'll be fine.

"Edna's emotional growth

"was thwarted by Stella's overbearing

and suppressive ways."

Oh, my God.

I am going to get a salad.

This is serious.

This is my family.

Now it's out there in print for the world to read.

Mom would die.

How is anybody going to know that it's about your family?

I'm hiring a publicist.

Um, do you need more time?

Yes, and menus.

And water.

Menus and water.

Oh.

Lisa,

you cannot let Mom read this.

I already sent her one.

Are you nuts?

Ooh, that's not a term we like to use.

She's going to be devastated.

"During Edna's adolescence,

"it was Stella

"that suffocated her ability to relate to others

and tethered her..." She was tethered.

"to a lifetime of insecurity and neurosis."

You're 33 years old. Give it up.

Oh, this is interesting.

"and once Edna's sister got married,

"Edna's screwy life became a humongous burden

on her very attractive brother-in-law."

Which I made up, I made it up.

When are you going to stop blaming Mom for your life?

I don't blame Mom.

Well, the book does.

No, the book blames Stella.

Well, who is Stella?

You are.

I'm Stella?

Yeah.

Meanwhile, your shrink's got some schnoz, huh?

Look at that.

How do you mean I'm Stella?

I don't know, I guess she

couldn't use "Jamie" for legal reasons or something.

I don't believe this, I spend half my life

looking after you, and this is what you think of me?

I thought you'd be happy for me.

Happy about what, that you're publicly ridiculing me?

Of course that's all you see, you don't see the fact

that I'm finally getting some recognition.

As a mental patient!

It just kills you that I'm better

at something than you are.

Honey, say something.

Uh...

What would that be?

Say something, how would you feel

if you were smeared all over this book?

Sweetie, it's a stupid textbook

written by a stupid shrink with a big schnoz.

Look at the schnoz there.

He's in there. He's Raul.

Look.

Where?

Oh, look at this.

"Stella and Raul."

Yeah, that makes sense, right? You take Paul,

you add a little leg to the P,

You got "Raul." That is clever.

I just can't believe this is how you would describe me

to your shrink.

"Stella and Raul lived as though

the world revolved around them."

Hey, I'm in here a lot.

I suffocated your ability

to relate to others?

You never liked any of my friends.

I got a "way." She says I have a way about...

Do I have a way about me? Yes.

Menus.

You never had any friends.

Which is why I let you hang around with my friends.

What about Cindy Cline?

She was my friend until you just took her over.

She got sick of you, okay? She thought you were a flake.

I had to jump in there and do something before

she ditched you all together.

Did it ever occur to you that I may not need your help?

Yeah, right.

Ladies, how are we doing here?

You know what Lisa? I'm so overbearing? Maybe you're right.

Maybe you'd be better off without me.

Oh, grow up.

I'll get some water.

No, Lisa, you grow up.

Let somebody else do your laundry. Have somebody else

get their heart broken trying to fix you up.

Eat dinner with somebody else every other night.

Fine, I'll hope in a cab right now, and I'll go home.

Fine. Fine!

Oh, you are pathetic.

And don't think you're doing me a favor

because you're the one who scared me out of taking subways.

Because I care about you!

I don't need this!

Whoa, whoa. Where's Edna going?

I'm never speaking to my sister again.

Yay.

Can we get a check, please?

No, mom.

I'm not going to call her.

I know it's been three days.

Let Lisa be the sane one.

I don't think that's something that'll happen.

Because she's an idiot.

See, I say that, you get mad.

Mom, no, no. Stop it.

We are not going to fight like this after you're gone.

Tell you're just getting it out of your system now

so you can both enjoy yourselves when she's dead.

I'm on the phone.

I know.

You know what? It's been 23 years.

I'm sick of hearing about her ant farm.

Mom, hold on one second, okay?

I'm sorry.

Yeah, the thing about... On page 47...

Yes, about the diary.

That wasn't even me. That was you.

No, I'm not saying you're a bad mother.

Oh, nobody reads the footnotes.

Honey!

Paul's calling me. I got to go.

Oh! Look what happened in here.

I really, really have to go.

No, I am not going to call her.

Oh, look!

I broke the... The big thing.

Bye, mom.

God. "The big thing"?

I couldn't think of anything.

She called me puerile.

Well, meanwhile,

not to be whatever,

but I rather dig the fact

that your sister's not been around for a while.

Me too.

You know? No one's calling us 3 in the morning

to pick her up in Trenton.

Nobody's coming over, licking the salt off our crackers

and putting them back.

She's really selfish isn't she?

She's very selfish.

She's petty. She's petty and selfish.

I'm going to call her right now.

And tell her what?

All right. You're right.

Let her call me.

Let her call you.

Lisa?

Probably. She would call and hang up.

She's the one who's puerile.

Childish. That's what I thought.

Oh, ho, ho, you got to remember,

when I first started singing scat,

nobody dug it.

They didn't appreciate what I was doing.

So who gave you the name "King of Scat"?

I did.

Can you do that?

Are you allowed to just declare yourself king?

Yes, you are.

What if there's another guy,

he says he's the king?

Then they joust.

Oh, I learned scat from my Uncle Cecil.

He was...

His Uncle Cecil

was a prammatee and a dweezil bone?

Unless this guy is lying.

Back then, it was...

You understand what this guy's saying?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Oh, oh,

back then, it was...

We'd sing away on the tips of our toes?

Look it.

If I tell you,

how are you going to learn?

Oh, oh.

Back then,

it was...

Back then,

we would send away for our elbows.

We would...

We would sing towards our nose?

What?! What is he saying?

Only the club in Houston

would pay them cash.

Hey.

Hi. What are you doing here?

It's not like I've never been here before.

No, it's very much like you've never been here before.

Whatever. Hey, Warren.

Hi, Edna.

You read it?

I read it out loud.

Me too.

I thought that was you.

Lis...

What do you make of this?

Oh, oh.

Back then, it was...

Oh, yeah, that's true.

All the clubs in Houston did pay cash.

All right, all right. So, Pauly...

What?

How's everything going over at, uh, you know?

The apartment?

Wherever.

It's okay.

Yeah? And how's Murray and, um...

The doorman?

Whoever.

She's good. Call her.

Why should I? Because you should.

Oh, you mean because I'm wrong?

No, no, no, I didn't say that.

You know, I bet Sybil's sister was proud of her.

Sybil who?

You know, Sybil, Sybil.

You know, the one with Sally Field,

but she had a book first, too.

I don't think she had a sister.

Well, she must've had a cousin

or someone who would not yell at her

when she was in a restaurant or ridicule her,

or pick on her, make her feel like a screw-up

just because she didn't have a job, a boyfriend, or a pen.

A pen? Yeah, yeah, remember the time

she asked me for a pen. I didn't have one,

and I saw her roll her eyes.

So she rolled her eyes. That's what she does.

You don't have a pen. That's what you do.

Call her.

You know, I could get a pen if I wanted to.

I've always said that about you, yes.

What's that going to prove?

I don't know what to tell you, Lis.

You shouldn't be talking to me,

you should be talking to Jamie about this. Talk to Jamie, huh?

No, she's only going to agree with herself.

Why can't I just talk to you for a while?

Sure.

Sure.

So, what's new?

I started my period 20 minutes ago.

Oh, good.

So, anyway, I say hello, and she just hangs up.

Like I don't know it's Lisa.

Two coffees.

Wait.

Where?

For here.

Two coffees for here, please.

Right. Okay.

Oh. What's wrong?

I think I'm getting a cold.

Now.

The heat's been off in my apartment.

Have you called your landlord?

Of course I called my landlord.

But you know how they can jerk you around.

Want me to call them?

And say what? That you're my friend

and you're outraged that I have no heat?

Yes. Call the tenants association. Want me to call?

James, I am not Lisa.

I know. Now.

I can take care of myself.

I know. Now.

You don't have to fix my life.

I know, I know. Fran, you know what? You're going to blow it.

Let me just finish this up.

Well, is he cute?

So go introduce yourself.

Who are you talking to?

Ira.

Who do you think I'm talking to?

Lis, why would he not like you?

What are you doing?

She called. So I picked it up.

What does she want? Hang on a sec.

She thinks Liam Neeson moved into her building.

Well, she thought she had Lyndon Johnson for algebra.

Jamie.

What? What about me?

Nothing. She just wants to know who I'm talking to.

Who does she think you're talking to? My God.

Wow. Listen,

I got to go.

I... I'll call you tomorrow.

I won't forget.

All right. Bye.

Why was she calling here at 3 in the morning?

She always calls at 3 in the morning.

She and her friend went to this thing...

I don't want to know.

All right. What friend?

Harriet.

Which Harriet?

I don't know. She knows two Harriets.

The bulimic one. They're both bulimic.

Your sister knows two... Two bulimics named Harriet?

Yes.

What the hell are the odds of that?

Where did they go?

Some new club or something. Oh, God.

Sounded pretty cool. They had snakes.

And she thinks she saw Ethel Kennedy.

Why are you encouraging her?

I'm not. I'm just listening.

You know what it means when she spends time with Harriet?

Which one? Either one.

I really don't. Honey, I'm new to this whole world of Harriets.

Well, I'm not, and I'm telling you.

What? You're telling me what?

Never mind. Let her make her own mistakes.

And you can pick up the pieces.

What pieces?

You'll see. There's always pieces with her.

So why don't you do something about this?

Like what? Call her.

I'm not going to call her. She doesn't need me.

She's got you and two Harriets.

The Harriets are going to Disneyland.

Well, then I guess that leaves you.

Ooh, right here we put in the Chet Baker footage?

What'd you have for lunch?

Harriet.

No, well, that's the thing about crab cakes.

We don't even have that.

Did you call the lab yet?

On what, my shoe?

Lis, Lis...

Harriet, wait one second.

Sh.

We need the phone, Lisa. We are trying to work here.

You know, I'm going to have to call you back. Okay.

What are we doing here?

Well, Warren and I are trying to cut the sequence,

And you are... You were...

See, that's where I'm stumped. I don't know.

You mean you want me to leave?

I don't want you... it's just...

I don't want to hog your time up.

Oh, that's okay.

Do you like this scarf?

I like the scarf a lot. Yes.

I think it's too busy.

Leave her alone. You know what? We can't even do that.

I'm wrong, we can't use the piece here

because the other stuff we have doesn't...

Blah, blah, blah.

Don't you ever talk about anything but movies?

No, we don't. So you know what?

If we're boring you, I would suggest...

Oh, great. Now you're mad at me too.

No, I'm not mad at you. It's just that, you know,

we're under a lot of pressure here.

Well, I... You're having a tough week too.

I understand that so, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...

Whatever you need, huh?

Thank you. All right.

Will you go to the dentist with me?

Hey.

I just want you to know something.

Yes? You see this?

Four yearbooks from high school,

four yearbooks from college,

three yearbooks from camp.

There are over 200 signatures here,

and not one of them said I was overbearing.

Well, that settles that, doesn't it?

I tried to call you and Warren said you were with Lisa.

I had to take her to the dentist thank you very much.

Why did she need you there?

Because you're not talking to her,

and she says the laughing gas

makes her depressed.

Is she okay?

Ah-ha, you see? You do miss her.

Why would I miss her? Because she's your sister.

So what? So that's how it should be.

You know, look, I talk to you, and you talk to me.

But you should talk to Lisa.

And Lisa should talk to you about her dentist

and leave me the hell out of it. That's our world.

Right now our world's a little out of whack,

it's a wacky world.

Well, you're going to have to get used to it.

Mm. I can get used to anything,

But I just... Frankly, it hurts me to see you so unhappy.

You are so full of crap.

Nevertheless...

Oh, come on.

Stella!

Don't you call me Stella.

Sorry, I was kidding.

Listen, just don't make me do this anymore.

I'm begging you. Take her back!

You can't handle her for one week?

You're going to talk to her.

I'm not calling her. You don't have to.

She's right outside in the hall.

What?

They gave her too much Novocain.

I couldn't send her home like that.

Come here.

All right, you hear that?

Hear what?

She's saying to you, saying "Jamie, I'm sorry," right?

Either that or the club in Houston pays her cash.

Are you sorry? Are you sorry?

What?

Are you sorry? Are you sorry?

Are you sorry?

I'm sorry, that's all I know. I'm very sorry.

The stuff you said in that book really stinks.

"My shrink wrote that, not me."

Well, where'd she get it from?

"I don't know. I just lie there and gamble."

Ramble. It's got to be ramble.

"Half the time, my shrink's not even listening."

Did you tell her that I was overbearing?

Yeah. No.

Yes, yes.

"But I didn't say there is anything wrong with it."

So you like that I'm overbearing?

"Of course. That way I can be underbearing."

Is that really what you just said?

Mm-hm.

Well, then, I am sorry.

"Screw you?"

You too?

Yeah.

All right. You know what?

All right, you know what?

You're drooling on your beautiful shirt. Come here.

She says, "It's your shirt." I know what she said.

Your skirt.

Wrong?

Uh, Al Hirt.

Something about Al Hirt.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Here you go.

Ursula, this is our bedroom.

Oh, right. Okay.