All language subtitles for Freaks and Geeks (1999) - S01E03 - Tricks and Treats Bluray-720px264 AAC.en

All right. Here's the bet.

For 10 bucks...

I'll drink this much
of anything.

Anything?

Anything.

As long as it's something
you can eat.

Okay? Only stuff
from the kitchen.

Nothing from the bathroom
and nothing from the garage.

Okay.

And it has to be food, okay?

Nothing from under the sink.

Okay? No cleansers,
no detergent.

No furniture Polish,
and no cut up bits of sponge.

Okay.

I'm just trying
to win ten bucks here.

I don't wanna die.

All right, now put on...

The blindfold.

I don't want to mess up my hair.

All right, and now step
into the soundproof booth.

I'm trusting you guys.

Okay, put in some mustard
and some ipecac.

It'll make him barf.

Don't make him barf!
My mom cooks dinner in here!

If we're not trying
to make him barf,

then why are we doing this?

I can hear everything
you guys are saying.

Come on, bill!

Quit listening!

I can't help it.

Then hum so you can't hear us.

Cayenne pepper.

Ooh! Good one!

Pass me the pickle juice.

You know, my cousin

once drank an entire jar
of pickle juice.

He had to sit on the toilet
for ten hours.

Oh, god, that's nasty!

Oh, this is gonna be great.

Sardines...

Aw! That's disgusting.

Oh, man!

Vinegar! Mmm.

- Wait, wait...
- Vinegar!

Soy sauce.

Soy sauce!

Chili!

For texture.

- That's disgusting!
- Exactly.

And just a little bit of jelly.

Some dairy creamer.

And to top it all off...

A couple of afterdinner mints.

All right.

- Now mix it up.
- All right.

Oh, god!

Oh, it's bubbling.

That's disgusting!

All right.

Ouch!

It's showtime!

Let me see the money first.

Come on, drink up already.

Don't rush me.

Both: Eww!

It's not bad.

Eww! Oh, come on!

It's making me sick!

J“ I don't give a damn
'bout my reputation

j“ livin' in the past,
it's a new generation

j“ a girl can do
what she wants to do

j“ and that's what I'm gonna do

I and I don't give a damn
'bout my bad reputation

j“ oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no

I not me

j“ me, me, me, me, me, me

j“ oh, no!

J“ no, no, no, no, no, no

I not me

j“ me, me, me, me, me, me

j“ I don't give a damn
'bout my reputation

I I've never been afraid
of any deviation

I and I don't really care
if you think I'm strange

j“ I ain't gonna change

I and I'm never gonna care
'bout my bad reputation

hey, look! Maplefarm realty

gave everyone in
the neighborhood free pumpkins!

Wasn't that nice?

Well, there's nothing
nice about it.

It's a cheap way
to get customers.

They give you a 20 cent pumpkin,

you give them ten grand
to sell the house.

Some deal.

Well, I just think it was nice.

Hey, can I have the prize?

My bowl... my prize.

Come on.

Sam, what are you
trying to do, kill me?

Sorry.

Hey, Sammy, what are you
going out as for Halloween?

I-I'm not going out.

Bill and I are gonna see
“the nude bomb" at parkway.

Hey, that's a dirty movie.

Dad, it's the “get smart" movie.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

You're not going
trick or treating?

Mom! I-I'm in ninth grade!

I know,
but you went out last year.

Yeah, well, last year
I was in junior high.

Yeah, but Sam...

Honey, the boy's 14 now.

He can miss a night of walking
around the neighborhood

beggin' like a tramp.

Halloween's
for little kids anyway.

Hey, Lindsay, you're still
gonna hand out candy

with me, aren't you?

Remember how much fun
we had last year

looking at all the little kids
in their costumes?

Yeah, mom.
I told you I was going to.

Well, good.

'Cause we're gonna have
a really good time this year,

I promise.

Hey, Lindsay.

Long time no see.

I saw you out here yesterday.

Why are you wearing a hat?

It's the day before Halloween.

Is that your costume?

No, it's devil's day.

Each year, the seniors
bring in hair removal foam

and spray it
on freshmen's heads,

then all your hair falls out.

- Really?
- No.

That stupid rumor's
been around for years.

Yeah, I know.
I was just goofin' on 'em.

N o I you we re n't!

Yes, I was.

- Hey, Lindsay.
- Hey, Millie.

What are you doing
tomorrow night?

My church is having
a Halloween dance.

You wanna come?

Oh. Well, I would go,

but I gotta hand out candy
with my mom.

Oh. Okay.

Do you want some lik-m-aid?

No. You're gonna eat candy now?

Millie, it's 7:30
in the morning.

It's just lik-m-aid.

It makes my spit
taste like fruit juice.

Hey, check it out. It's Lindsay.

Hey, Lindsay.

What's up?

Hey, Daniel.

Hey, Kim.

Hello, brain.

So this is your bus stop?

We've had the same bus stop
since kindergarten.

How fast does your car go?

150, if I hook up
the nitrous tank.

Your car is really loud.

My dad says you need a muffler.

Once he even threw a rock
at you when you drove by.

But I guess you didn't hear it.

He threw a rock at me?

Hey, kid, what the hell
are you eating?

Is that laundry soap?

It's lik-m-aid. Want some?

Millie...

Um, I'll pass.

Uh, yeah. We gotta get goin'.

I'd give you a ride, linds,

but I got an engine block
in the backseat.

Yeah.

Thanks for the candy, skinny.

See? My dad's right.

He needs a muffler.

So are you guys going
to Sara's party tomorrow night?

Yeah, but I think
I'm going to Jim's first.

If it isn't the Amelia earhart
of McKinley high.

What does that mean?

Well, you head to class,
but you never seem to get there.

Mr. Rosso, could you
not humiliate me

in front of the whole school?

Come on, Lindsay,
don't turn me into the man here.

I'm just trying to help you.

And if, when you graduate,
it turns out I did help you

but you hate me,
I'm okay with that.

I gotta get to class.

See? It's workin' already.

Embarrassing.

That's the only word
I can think of

to describe these books

you've chosen
to do your reports on.

“Ai jaffee's snappy answers
to stupid questions."

The novelization of “star wars."

“Yes, I can,"

the autobiography
of Sammy Davis, Jr.

Uh...

“Crime and punishment"
is a good example

of the kind of book
you should be reading now.

In it, Fyodor Dostoevsky
was attempting to create

what some would call
an existential enigma...

A protagonist
who was both a nihilist

and a moralist.

Now, I know this sounds
confusing to you all,

but soon you'll all know
what I'm talking about,

because I expect you to have
the first half

of this book read by Monday.

It's time to grow up, people.

- You like that?
- No.

- Does it get you hot?
- Would you knock it off?

You're making me sick.

Hey, why don't you
make out with Nicky there

and we'll call it a foursome?

Yeah, and why don't you
make out with my butt

and we'll call it love?

Hey, you guys, be cool.
The narc's here.

Yeah. Watch out,
or I'll bust you.

Hey, man, I ain't joking.

I heard about what you did
to Brian stoker.

Saw him smoking a "j"
outside the quick fill

and went inside
and told some cops?

Brian's in prison now, man,

and I heard his brother's
looking for you.

What? I didn't do that.

Yeah. I know.

I was just messing with you.

She got me
with that same joke last week.

It's kinda funny though.

Hilarious.

Um, hey, what are you
doin' for Halloween?

Oh, I have to hand out candy
with my mom.

I know, it...
Sounds really dorky.

- Um, she gets really into it.
- Oh, Lindsay.

I don't think
that sounds dorky at all.

You know what?
At least she's bein' nice.

Just because
you hate your mother

doesn't mean that
everybody else does, okay?

No, everybody hates her mother.

Well, what are you guys doing?

Oh, well, uh, Kim,
Nick and I are goin' out.

We're borrowing my uncle's
bigass caddy, and...

We thought maybe you'd like
to come with us.

Oh, you mean
like a... double date?

If that's what
you need to call it

in your diary, Princess.

I can't.

Your loss.

Oh, the bell.
Let's not be late for class.

Yeah, right.

Hey, Lindsay...

I-you know, I think it's-
I think it's nice

that you're helping your mom
hand out candy.

So I'll see you later.

See you later.

This is gonna take, like,
a trillion years to read.

I don't even know
what it's about.

Whitman said
it's about an ax murderer.

That sounds kinda cool.

I guarantee you
it's not gonna be cool.

I mean, look how small
the printing is.

Uh, perhaps you've never heard

of a little thing
called cliffsnotes?

You still have to read them.

Whitman is such a jerk!
You know?

She says you have
to be young adults.

We're not adults.

We're kids until we turn 18.

Whoa, whoa.

Maybe you are, but when I
hit 13, I became a man.

That's only in your temple,
Neal, not in the real world.

We should go trick or treating
tomorrow night.

In case you haven't noticed,
we're a little old.

No, we're not, okay?

We went trick or treating
last year.

Come on,
let's go out tomorrow night.

No way, I'm going
to the jc's haunted house.

The hot dog on a stick girls
from the mall are workin' it.

- The tall ones?
- Yeah.

Judy.

- They're hot.
- Okay.

- Judy!
- Tootie, tootie!

All right, then why don't we

go trick or treating
before that?

Why don't we just go buy candy?

Oh, yeah, that's really fun.

Come on! It'll be a blast.

It's better than sitting at home

reading some
stupid Russian book.

Sure.

Okay, yeah, i-

yeah, I guess I could
you know, we

yeah, I guess so.

I don't know.

You're never gonna dress up
as Groucho again?

Well that's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard!

Groucho sucks.

Tommy!

Honey.

Lindsay!

Hey, Lindsay.

What's up?

Millie, who is that?

Who?

Millie!

Man, you weren't
supposed to see.

That's Tommy, my secret love.

We met this summer
at church camp.

You have a boyfriend?

Lindsay, you've gotta
keep this a secret.

I mean, Tommy and I
don't even French kiss yet.

Tommy says that if you do
before you've been going out

for six months, you go to hell.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want
to make you feel bad...

Since you don't
have a boyfriend and all.

Come on, no way!

I'm telling you, man. It's true.

When I heard him play
at coble hall, guy was amazing.

Whoa, whoa, so hold on a second.

What?

So they're called
santana, right?

- Yeah.
- But that guy who's singing...

Is not santana?

No, santana's the guitar player.

Then how did he get them
to name the band after him?

I don't know, man.

Maybe he's just a badass.

If that's true, that's amazing.

Hey, maybe we should
name our band “desario.”

I'm going out with you guys
tomorrow night.

Hey! Hey, that's great!

Yeah, but what about your mom?

How's she gonna hand out candy
all by herself?

Well, she'll survive.

Well, well, well.

He did the mash

he did the monster mash

it was a smash

It was a graveyard smash

right?

Hey mom,

Neal, bill, and I decided

to go trick or treating
tomorrow night.

Oh, Sam, that's great!
We have to get you a costume.

No, I'm gonna make my own.
I'm going out as gort.

He's the robot from
“the day the earth stood still."

Ooh, gort! How exciting!

Sam, what are you doing?

You're too old
to go out trick or treating.

Oh, Harold, stop.

Well, it's true!

There was this kid
in my neighborhood

when I was growing up,

Scott Byron.

Now, he kept on
trick or treating

until he was well into his 205.

You know where he's living now?

At home,
with his 90-year-old mother.

He's the laughingstock
of the community.

Never took a wife, either.

I don't think
there's anything wrong

with acting like a kid
every once in a while.

I know Lindsay and I

are gonna have
a great time tomorrow night,

aren't we, sweetie?

Yeah, mom, we sure are.

He did the mash

he did the monster mash

both: It was a smash

it was a graveyard smash

Then bill and I
will come by your place.

And bring pillowcases.
No grocery bags.

If your bag rips,
you're on your own.

I'm gonna bring
my plastic pumpkin.

Ugh, don't bring that.
It gets full after one street.

Not if I eat the candy as we go.

Last time you did that,
you puked

before we got past our bus stop.

Hey, guys,
I heard you were going out

for trick or treats tonight.

How did you find out about that?

Word gets out. People talk.

You gotta be
especially careful, though.

The Halloween candy's gonna
be really dangerous this year.

They say that every year.

Yeah, but this year
there's a bunch of evil hippies

who don't want Reagan
to be president,

so to disrupt the election,

they're going to inject
the candy with heroin

- and turn kids into addicts.
- That's not true.

You just have to watch out
for pins and razor blades.

Yeah, and rat hair's a big one.

You're gonna find yourself
wishing for rat hair.

Word on the street
is they're putting a poo

in funsized candy bar wrappers
and handing those out.

I love funsized candy bars.

Oh, that's stupid.

Like nobody'd be able
to tell what it really was.

They dip it in chocolate first

so you can't tell the difference
until it's too late.

See ya.

Actually, it sounds kinda fun.

Do you mind
if I come with you guys?

In the kitchen!

Hey, Lindsay,
where have you been?

You're gonna miss
the first trick or treaters.

You know the cutest ones
always come early.

Yeah, well, I was hanging out
with my friends.

Lndsay, looah! Ow.

Look at what we're
gonna hand out this year.

Halloween cookies!

That's great, mom.

What's up with all the cookies?

Hey, Sam, I laid your
robot costume out on your bed.

You didn't rip it, did you?

No, but I wrote,
“my son's the cutest boy

in the whole world"
on the front of it.

Lindsay, I got you a costume.
Go put it on, sweetie.

I'm gonna put
these cookies by the door.

We are gonna have so much fun!

Mwah! Mwah!

I kinda hate when mom
gets goofy like that.

J“

Lookin' for chaplin,

I'm only seeing Hitler.

If I were the bionic woman...

What would I wear?

This is ridiculous.

I look like Tom Selleck!

I gonna raise hell

I gonna raise hell

I gonna raise hell

I'm sorry, Steve Austin,
I can't marry you.

I'm mad at you right now.

What?

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

Hold on, I'm gonna put the phone
on my bionic ear.

That's-that's better.

No, don't talk so loud!

Don't forget,
I've got bionic hearing.

No, these are not bionic.

These are all me.

Oh, I heard that crack, pal.

Oh-oh, it wasn't you?

Oh, okay, I guess I'll just

doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo...

Oscar Goldman,
it's me, Jaime sommers.

Steve Austin is trapped
in the-in the reacting, uh...

Hi, mom. Okay.
You can use the phone.

Oh. Hey, Lindsay,

hurry up, honey.

Our first little visitors
are here!

Linds?

Oh! Oh.

Oh, my...

What an... interesting costume.

Oh, wa-

here you go.

All right, happy Halloween.

Do you-do you want
another cookie?

Okay.

I'm, uh, I'm here to go out

for trick or treats
tonight with Sam.

Oh, you're one of Sam's frien-

I am so sorry. Come on in.

My gosh!

Sorry.

Nice costume.

You look like Richard Benjamin
in “westworld.”

Say, don't you look nice?

What in the hell
are you supposed to be?

I'm a guy with a knife
through his head.

Oh. Well...
Mission accomplished.

Hey, mom!

Mom, I gotta talk to you.

Get your costume on, honey.

The trick or treaters are here!

- No, mom... oh!

Both:
Trick or treat, smell our feet,

give us something good to eat.

If you...

You guys are both great.

Come on in! Get in here!

Wow, Harris,
that looks really real.

How do you know it isn't?

Oh!

If I held you any closer,
I'd be in back of ya.

Hey, cut that out!

You know, bill,
you look really lovely.

I'm Jaime sommers,
the bionic woman.

Oh, of course you are!

What was that?

I'm gonna go hang out with
my friends a little bit, okay?

- I'll be back.
- Wait, Lindsay-

- mom, I'll be back!
- Sweetie, wait!

Come on, Lindsay. Let's go.

Um, you have
any fake blood around here?

Sort of wanna freshen up
my wound before we go out.

What?

She did what?!

She said it was only gonna
be for a little while.

She'll be back.

I know she was really
looking forward to this.

That's all I can say.

That daughter of yours
is on thin ice.

Until she gets back,
would you put this on

and help me pass out cookies?

Oh, for crying out loud.

Whoo!

Don't fall out.

Boo.

His plans fell through,
you know?

I'm sorry.

She's a roller

a high roller, baby

will you knock it off, blondie?

You're gonna blow the speakers.

Oh, I'm sorry, grandpa,

I'll try not to blow
anything of yours from now on.

Hey, what are we gonna do?

There's this haunted house

that's supposed
to be really scary.

Yeah, hey, that could
be kind of fun, right?

For who, losers?

Hey, shut up.

I like haunted houses.

I rest my case.

I don't know, listen.

We're gonna just drive around,

see where the night takes us.

Is that cool with you?

Lindsay?

I'm up for anything.

Right on, kid.

Hey, I'm really glad
that you decided to come.

Thanks.

So am I.

You two are adorable.

Mom, look.

Jessica, come on. Don't stare.

It's not polite.

Why is everybody staring at me?

I mean, you'd think they never
saw “the bionic woman" before.

They just probably didn't know
she was so hot in real life.

You-are you-are you joking?

You're joking, right?

You know, I saw
the real Jaime sommers

at the auto show last year.

Her boobs weren't that big.

Hey, we should go
to the rich neighborhood first.

They hand out the best candy.

That's not true.

Rich people traditionally
give out the cheapest candy.

It's how they stay rich.

I just hope I get some candy
I can eat.

Yeah, I'm allergic to peanuts,
licorice, and nougat.

How can you possibly
be allergic to nougat?

I don't-i don't know.

Uh, my doctor says
I'm allergic to more things

than anyone he's ever seen.

Then I got dibs
on all your malt balls.

You can have 'em.

I like pixy stix.

- Pixy stix rule.
- No way.

Chunkys are the best.

Uh-uh. Candy corn, my friend.

I must admit,
I'm a wax lips man myself.

All: Trick or treat!

Why, you're the cutest things!

Hey, Harold, come look!

Raah!

Oh, kids! I was just kidding!

I'm not really a vampire.

I own a sporting goods store.

Hey? What's the big idea,
scaring my kids?

I- I didn't mean to.

No, i-I'm sorry.
I made him put this on.

Here, give these
to your children.

They're homemade.

Are you crazy?

I've been lecturing
my kids for weeks

not to take unwrapped candy.

Those cookies could have
razor blades or pins in them.

I- I wouldn't do that.

Come on, cowgirl,
enough of this kid stuff.

Let's head out to the barn
and I'll give you

a real good roll in the hay.

Oh, Harold, not now.

When?

I mean, think about it.

All the people in this town
are real religious,

but just 'cause it's Halloween,

they'll hang pictures
of devils, witches, ghosts

all over their houses.

It's a joke.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

It's total white,
middleclass hypocrisy.

- Right.
- Yeah, right, exactly.

You wanna know
what I think about it?

That's lovely, you know.

Your years in charm school
have really paid off.

By the way, how are things
going at ass school?

Getting all “a"s.

Oh.

Hey, you know
where we should go?

We could go to the movies.

There's a new
“Friday the 13th" playing.

God, brain!
Why are you so hung up

about doing something?

What? Are we boring to you?

No, what are you talking about?

We should do something.

We can't just drive around
all night, man.

Hey, man, we ain't
gonna just drive around.

It is Halloween.

We are...

All: Gonna raise hell

gonna raise hell,
gonna raise hell

All: Trick or treat!

What do you want?

Uh... trick or treat.

Aren't you guys
a little old for this?

We're only freshmen
in high school.

High school? That's too old.

We're young at heart.

Ooh, circus peanuts.

What the hell are you
supposed to be anyway?

The tin man?

I'm-I'm gort.

He's the robot from
“the day the earth stood still."

You look like
the fricking tin man.

Uh, ma'am...

I hope there aren't any peanuts
in these peanuts,

'cause if there are,
I could die.

Good night.

These are so cute.

But, you know, Jean,
they train the kids

not to take
unwrapped foodstuffs.

You should see all the parents

who are dumping
the cookies on your lawn.

They're all covered with ants.

What?

Well, happy Halloween.

I give up.

Harold, run up to farmer Jack
and buy some candy.

What? Dressed like this?

All right.

Don't answer the door
till I get back.

Stupid kids' holiday.

I say we make Lindsay do it.

No, I'm going in.

Hey, no, no, man.
Let me do it, all right?

- Okay.
- All right.

Hey, relax.

It's Halloween.

We're supposed to do this stuff.

Whoo!

- Whoo!
- Oh!

Oh, man. That is so uncool.

I can't believe
we just did that.

Yes, congratulations
to us all, indeed.

I'm so happy I'm not
at the Ted nugent concert.

- Come on.
- Go ahead, linds.

- Go.
- You can do it.

Come on, you'll be fine.

- Jeez.

Come on, what are you doing?

Oh, my...

- She's so... oh, my god.

- Come on!
- Come on, Lindsay!

Happy Halloween.

This one's for you.

Oh, look. It's fun-sized.

Mm-hmm.

You guys having a good time?

Happy Halloween.

Um, thank you.

Uh, I'll eat it-
I'll eat it later.

Whoo! Whoo!

You look too good to me

your beady eyes

they cut me in two

and I just can't let you be

well it's a free-for-all

and I heard it said

you can bet your life

the stakes are high and so am I

it's in the air tonight

it's a free-for-all

batter up, baby!

Watch it, baby!

It's a free-for-all

yeah, it's a free-for-all

all right, there it is.
Go for it, Weir.

- Do it already.
- It's coming up.

- Do it.
- Okay, okay.

Whoo! Whoo!

Great. Thanks a lot.

I can't believe this.

I can't believe the hot dog
on a stick girls saw us.

That's months of groundwork
down the drain.

Like they'd ever
go out with you.

Hey, shut up. They like me.

They always give me
free lemonade refills.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the geek patrol.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, my god.

Hey, Alan. What's up?

I don't know whose ass
I want to kick first.

You better watch out, Alan.

We kicked your ass once,
we'll kick it again.

I don't think so.

That was three against one.

Now we got us a fair fight.

It's time to settle the score.

Oh, yeah.

No, no, no. I got it. I got it.

Let's go soap
the school's windows.

No, look, I say
it's time we get down

to some serious damage.

Breakfast, anyone?

Oh, my goodness.

We don't want
to fight you, Alan.

You don't have to.

Just give us your candy
and you're free to go.

Okay, here.

Now you, dork.

Forget it.

We went through a lot for this.

Shut your mouth,
you little girl!

I'm not a little girl.
I'm a-bionic woman!

Yeah? Prove it.

No, cut it out. Stop.

Just take the candy.
This is my grandpa's coat.

Ow. I fell on my knife.

Come on, let's get out of here.

That's it. That is it!

This is all your fault.

I never should have
let you talk me into this.

I didn't talk you into anything.

Oh, well, it sure as hell
wasn't my idea.

Oh, yeah, you're too cool
getting free lemonade refills.

Guys!
Let's just stick to the plan.

Is this thing on straight?

- Dig in, children.
- Awesome.

- Thank you.
- You enjoy it.

All right, jackpot.
Jackpot. Come on.

- All right, where?
- Ready? Over there!

Where?

You're such a little baby.

You have to have
your little baby's evening.

Oh, yeah, and going
to some stupid haunted house

- is that much better.
- Yeah, and you're stupid.

- Takes one to know one.
- Yeah, well, you are one.

Enough, guys. Come on.

My bra's chafing.
Let's get home.

Where? I can't see.

- Kim, you're blocking my view.
- Incoming!

Awesome, man!
That was so awesome!

Nailed 'em, baby, nailed 'em.

- That was amazing.
- What?

- Oh, my god.
- What?

We just egged my little brother.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Wait, stop the car.

It's just eggs. He'll be fine.

No, stop the car.
Please, Daniel.

Will you just take it easy?
Take it easy.

Let me out of the car!

Hey, Daniel,
stop the car, all right?

Just stop the car. Let her out.

Don't get out. We'll get him.

Gentlemen, I'm going home.

Oh, my god, they're
coming back to finish us off!

Run for it!

Let's go cut through
their backyard!

Sam, I'm sorry.

Look, get in the car.

Sam, I'm really sorry.
Please? Come on.

Let us give you
a ride home, okay?

Kid, it's not
your sister's fault.

She didn't even know it was you.

Look, she's really,
really upset, kid.

I swear to god.

It's true, Sam. I swear to god.

Sam! Sam!

God!

Hey, is it just me,
or did he seem upset?

Would you shut up, please?

Just give her a break,
all right?

Man, I am in so much trouble.

Just take me home.

No, hey, why don't you
just stick around-

just take her home,
already. God.

I told you she'd be a drag.

Why don't you calm down?

I mother!

Trick or treat!

Oh, my god. Sam, what happened!

- I got egged.
- What's the matter?

- What's going on?
- Sam got attacked.

- Are you all right?
- Did you get egg in your eyes?

- I'm fine.
- Oh, my god.

Well, well, well.
Look who's here.

So happy you could grace us
with your presence.

What kind of terrible people
would do this

to a little boy?

Who the hell
did this to you, Sam?

Some freaks.

Freaks? Like circus freaks?

Jean, I don't think
there's bearded ladies

running around
throwing eggs at kids.

He means hippies.

You know who these freaks were?

Just a bunch of dirtbags.

Oh, honey. My little baby boy.

I'm not a baby.

Certainly glad we all decided
to celebrate Halloween.

Last time I had this much fun,

I was pinned down in a foxhole
by the north Koreans.

I'm sorry, hon.
You did a nice job.

And you are on thin ice, missy.

I didn't
expect you back so soon.

Mom, I told you I'd be back
in a little bit.

Who were those people
you went off with?

Just some friends from school.

- Anyone I know?
- Mmmmm, not really.

Lindsay, if you didn't want
to hand out candy with me,

you could have just told me.

No, I couldn't.

Mom, I didn't want
to make you feel bad.

Oh, I don't know.

The world is such
a different place

than the one I grew up in.

Everyone just seems
so much meaner these days.

Mom, kids didn't throw eggs
when you were in school?

I don't know. I guess so.

I just know I never did.

Nothing like getting
yelled at by dad

when he's dressed
like a vampire, huh?

Thanks for not turning me in.

I'm really sorry.
You know that, don't you?

Nobody thinks you're cool,
you know.

Trust me, I know.

Trick or treat!

Oh, no.

That's the wrong costume.

You were supposed to be
my little Princess.

I guess I'll have to be
your little prince instead.

- 1'|| get it.
- Oh.

All: Trick or treat!

Aren't you the cutest things?

Lindsay, aren't they cute?

Yeah, they are.

Here you go.

Happy Halloween.

Sam? Can I come in?

You okay?

Yeah, I'm just reading
a book for school.

Is it any good?

I don't know yet.

Everyone's name
is really weird and long.

Well, don't stay up too late.

I won't, dad.