Original subtitles

9Sync and correction by Mlmlte 9www.addic7ed.com

- Whoa. - Don't lose her!

[Bleep]!

- Get down! - Down! Down!

[Cans and bottles rattling]

[Door thuds]

[Dog barking]

Both: Freeze!

[Shrieking]

[Car alarm wailing]

Hey, you see they had Choco Tacos back there?

Hell, yeah. You want to get some?

Yeah.

Anybody want a Choco Taco?

Not this guy.

Anybody else want a Choco Taco?

It's like a taco with ice cream.

It's good.

One year ago...

Vampire, werewolves, and zombies...

Descended upon California's San Fernando Valley.

Authorities remain baffled by their origins.

♪ Love is nasty 'cause it gets so rotten♪

♪ I think it's time to put this body in the ground♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh♪

♪ We're losing all control♪

♪ The buildings all turn to dust♪

♪ And I think it's getting closer♪

♪ 'Cause they're coming for us♪

Anybody know what tonight is?

Do not tell me it is the season finale of Glee.

I [Bleep] Hate that show.

Yes, Carla?

One-year anniversary

of the first zombie sighting, Captain.

That's exactly right, Carla.

Here, you got a little captain ass on your nose.

One year ago today,

zombies began besmirching our fine community.

[Mic boom bangs wall] Sorry. Sorry, sir.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

That's right, I said "besmirching,"

and with the zombies came vampires and werewolves

and my personal promise that I would not rest

until we had eradicated this problem completely.

Uh, captain, I thought you said

we're supposed to contain the problem.

You tell me. Are you satisfied

containing the problem?

'Cause if you are,

the door is right there.

It says "contain" right there over your head.

Can I move on, please?

Thank you. Where's your partner?

Uh, he's in the, uh, can, sir.

He had himself a couple Choco tacos.

I always tell him he's lactose intolerant,

but he doesn't listen to me-- Fascinating story, Stubeck.

Okay, you tell officer Pierce we are on high alert tonight.

Do you understand me? We're picking up chatter,

and the vamps are definitely up to something,

and I, for one, am taking no chances.

So let's be vigilant.

Let's stick together.

And let's make sure these nice people from channel five

get home in one piece with their story, all right?

Thank you. Thank you, captain.

My name's Rodney.

I've got some tips that'll help you sound better on tv.

Yeah, well, I got a tip for you, too, Rodney.

All right, a little more than a tip.

You know what I mean?

I can show a man what it is to be a woman.

Final piece of business.

We got a new addition to our unit.

Officer Landry. Kristen, stand up, would you?

Hey, everyone.

Now, she is a rookie,

but I'm sure she's no stranger to zombies.

Actually, I've never seen one

in person.

That's all right.

Take you about two hours around here

to pop your cherry, huh?

Speaking metaphorically, of course.

I don't mean to suggest that you are a virgin.

Then again, I don't mean to suggest

that you are not a virgin.

Any more questions?

Great. Let's get out there and kill something.

Yeah!

[Rock music]

Because that's where they live, man.

[Bleep], I live in the valley.

Now, you want to buy me a crib up in Malibu

overlooking the ocean with a barbecue pit,

then you go right ahead-- I sure as hell won't stop you.

Yeah, you know, you could fit in there.

Yeah. Yeah, I can picture that.

You know, yeah, you living in a beach house,

drinking margaritas with Mel Gibson.

No, no, no, not Mel Gibson.

[Both laughing]

[Siren wailing]

[Rock music]

We're staking out this motel for vampire prostitution.

Blood for sex is a big problem in the valley.

Lot of desperate guys, no cash,

willing to do whatever it takes to get a little action.

That's right.

Take those off. It's nighttime.

[Scoffs] Whatever, dude.

Come on.

[Sighs]

Uh, what was I saying?

[Imitating Stubeck] Zombies, vampires.

- I don't talk like that. - Whatever.

I don't.

[Dramatically] Zombies...

Vampires.

I know a lot of guys who'd cut bait and run,

but not me.

Want to know why?

Damn right.

I risk it all for them. I'm proud to.

You want to know why I do it?

I do it for them. Nice.

Let me see that. I said I do this for my family!

I've had this jpeg so long, it's like my family.

Technically, I guess that makes it incest.

La-la-la-la... Stop it. Come on, grow up!

Stop it!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Here we go.

A fish has taken the bait.

What fish?

A fish is ta-- Jesus [Bleep], Billy.

A man is going in with a prostitute.

- Oh! - Come on, let's go.

Well, let's go. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

- What are you doing? - I'm gonna take some pictures.

- No, stop it! Put that away. - Come on.

Don't. All right, let me get my gun.

Give me a good one.

A little pissed. Yeah, yeah, right there.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Got it.

All right, everybody, hands in the air.

Wow, your hands are really cold.

All right, everybody, hands in the air!

That means you, vampire [Bleep].

Seriously? Vampire [Bleep]? Be a professional.

I wasn't doing anything.

Sofia, how many times are we gonna do this?

Come on, Stubeck, just leave a working girl alone.

You weren't working.

You were humping this guy for blood.

- No. - Am I right?

What are you doing? Stop talking to them.

[Speaking Spanish]

I'm sorry. I don't speak vampire!

It's Spanish, you idiot. Relax.

Come on, Sofia, you know the drill.

Hands behind your back.

This isn't what it looks like.

I thought she was just a human prostitute.

[Mockingly] "This isn't what it looks like.

I thought she was a human prostitute."

What are we, in a cow pasture?

'Cause I smell bull[Bleep].

Go check the back.

I'm gonna go check the back.

I just told you to do that.

You're following an order right now.

Hey, if I don't get to have sex,

then can I get my blood back?

'Cause I'm feeling, like, kind of faint.

Shut up. Don't kick.

Smells like a cat's balls in here.

Aah!

Oh.

Oh, my God!

- Die, pig! - Kill him!

Aah!

- Oh, my God! - Kill him!

- [Grunting] - Oh, my God! My God!

Kill him!

- Oh, my God! - [Laughing]

Oh, my God!

No! I'll give you all the blood you want!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Sit down and shut up!

Whoa!

Oh, my God, he's so strong!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! No!

[Sofia laughing]

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

[Man crying] St...

Dude, this is, like, a $500 boom!

Come on!

Ohh! Kill him!

Unh!

- Aah! - Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God,

oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

- Shut up! - Oh, my--

- you know what they say about boom poles, don't you?

You never hear them coming.

[Groaning]

That was actually a pretty good one.

Effin' "a."

And then you ruin it.

[Snarls]

[Rock music]

♪♪

[Copier beeping]

How you handling everything we threw at you so far?

Well, I've been sitting at my desk for four hours.

I know that.

I've been watching you.

Not continually, of course.

I've been catching up on some paperwork.

That's actually a small fraction of what I do.

I'm out on the beat quite a bit, as it were.

I would love to be out on the beat.

In time, kristen, in time.

It--it's actually, um... It's pronounced "Kirsten."

What'd I say?

Kristen.

Say it your way.

Kirsten.

Okay, I'm gonna be honest.

I'm gonna have a little trouble with that.

But anyway... "Girsten,"

let me explain something to you.

The valley of Los Angeles is a long way away from Kansas.

I'm not from Kansas.

I'm from carefree, Arizona.

Carefree, Arizona,

where we are carefree. [Laughs]

What'd you do in carefree?

You don't look like a golfer.

Actually, I'm a 14 handicap.

Means nothing to a zombie.

You gonna kill a zombie with a golf club?

Well, yeah. You want to...Unh!

Destroy the brain, right?

That's exactly right.

Shoot 'em through the eyes, run 'em over with a truck,

crush his head in with a crowbar.

How's a crowbar different than a golf club?

You ever try to get out of the sand with a crowbar?

Well, well, well, if it isn't my favorite prostitute.

I'm kidding.

I don't have a favorite prostitute...

Not in this country, anyway.

Caught our friend here draining the red vein, captain.

Billy almost got his brains bashed in by her pimp,

but we managed to impale the assailant

with a boom pole through the chest.

- Kabob'd the bastard, huh? - That's right.

- Where's Billy now? - In the can, sir.

- Choco taco? - And a slurpee.

That's gonna hurt coming out.

Your partner killed the wrong vampire.

Well, I guess we'll have to live with that, then, won't we?

- Yeah, we'll see about that. - Ooh! Scary!

You enjoy lockup, Sofia.

I'm going home to my nice, warm bed...

Which I use for sleeping, not sex.

You want to know why?

I'm a happily married man.

Billy, let's blow this joint!

[Pounds on door]

Billy!

Oh!

Billy?

[Ominous music]

[Bleep]!

Billy!

Sofia's not talking, but whoever snatched Billy

sent me this video on his phone.

It's giving me the creeps.

Check it out.

[Radio playing pop song in background]

Well, that's the naked chicks.

Hang on.

"Celebrity nip slips."

Hang on.

Go right down--

- [snarling] - Aah! Unh!

Man, Billy's got a lot of porn on this thing.

"Inactive glands."

Aah!

All right, here we go.

[Spanish accent] Greetings, pig.

If you are watching this video...

Are you sure that's Billy?

No, but I can't say it's not him, right?

[Muffled] Hey!

[Inaudible]

Here's the part where they tell me

to go to Griffith park with the body...

- [Growling] - Aah!

Unarmed and alone.

Well, I guess that's what we got to do, then.

Seriously?

Unh!

Did they say what they'd do

if you went in there with backup?

Yeah, they'll kill Billy.

Well, there you go, then.

They always say that. They have to say that.

Well, it doesn't mean they won't do it.

I'm not going without backup.

Don't be such a girl.

- [Growling] - Unh!

Fine, I'll think about it.

[Taps glass]

How's she working out?

Eh, you know,

I'm not that impressed. Yeah.

[Rock music]

♪♪

- Yo. - Hmm?

Guess what I rented last night.

- Hmm? - Big fat Greek wedding.

What'd you think?

Eh, not for me.

[Over radio] Unit 23, unit 23, do you copy?

Officer Rinaldi here. Copy.

We have a report of a 1-11 in progress

at Wiggly's donuts, 1327 Chatsworth.

Please report. Over.

Affirmative. Officer Johnson and I are en route. Over.

Slow-Walker zombie.

The fresh ones, they move pretty well,

but when they've been undead too long,

we call that a 1-11.

Uh-huh, at Wiggly's donuts.

Now, that's what I'm talking about.

You know, I can go for a bear claw right now.

- [Laughs] Right. - Hit those lights, baby.

[Siren wailing]

[Rock music]

♪♪

Yeah, yeah. [Laughs]

[Muzak playing] Sure. Yeah.

Cool.

What the hell are you doing?

What you mean, what the hell I'm doing?

I'm getting a dozen.

You can't wait?

Um, I don't think he's going anywhere.

You know, you're not helping the cop stereotype

with this doughnut crap.

[Scoffs] Who cares?

It's the only stereotype worth living up to.

Hey, check it out, John-John.

Big man's still got a doughnut in his mouth.

That's not a doughnut. That's a hand.

What? A hand? [Objects clattering]

Oh, I'm sorry.

My bad.

I didn't see it.

Aah! Jesus!

[Snarling]

Jesus, John-John!

What?

You want to check the back?

Sound's still speeding.

Shut the [Bleep] Up. Be still.

No, I don't want to check the back!

I want to get a bear claw! Check the back.

[Bleep] Damn!

Oh-ho-ho.

Oh, we're pulling our gun out now. I see.

You see how dark it is back there?

It's like the [Bleep]Damn black hole.

Check the back.

[Door thuds] Mother[Bleep]!

[Ominous music]

♪♪

- Oh, [Bleep]! - What happened?

[Panting]

Nothing. It's just--it's nothing.

[Rock music]

♪♪

Anybody here?

Hello!

Callate.

You surprised me.

I didn't hear you coming.

Be still.

Yeah, completely still.

Where's Mateo?

I'm sorry. I'm--I'm lost.

Are we here to exchange the same--

- where's the body? [Vampires snarling]

You don't get Billy

until we get the body.

All right. Yeah, you could have just asked me.

- I did ask you. - Yeah, kind of,

but I don't understand what you're saying, so...

The body!

Yeah, absolutely, the body.

Hang on.

Where's Billy?

You'll see Billy.

First I want to see Mateo.

Which is...

- The body. - The body.

Got it. We're on the same page.

Great. I'll get him.

Uh, do you guys want to help me out with this?

I have a lower-back thing. It flares up sometimes.

Okay. Got it.

There we go. We got it. Great.

On your knees.

Hands to your head!

[Rock music]

♪♪

Hands to your head!

[Zipper opens]

Okay, where's Billy?

You stay still.

Revisalo.

[Zipper opens]

[Whistles]

[Groaning]

What'd you do to him, you son of a bitch?

He killed my brother, Cochino!

Corta la cuerda.

No.

No.

Cambie mi mente.

Matalo!

Stay back!

Stay back!

[Remote chirps]

Aah!

[Vampires groaning]

Come on, buddy, let's get out of here!

Lean back, lean back!

All right, hop!

Hop, hop, hop! Hop!

[Gunshot]

Dive! Dive! Feet up!

[Gunshots]

Jesus, dude, you let one rip in here

before you got out?

Dead vampire, Billy.

Dead vampire.

[Snarls]

[Crying]

[Growling]

Mother[Bleep].

[Zombie screaming]

Aah!

[Hissing]

Jesus!

[Grunting]

[John-John shouts]

[Boom mic guy screaming]

[Bleep]!

[Screaming and sobbing]

Oh, God!

Ohh!

- Whoa! Whoa! Shut up! - Aah!

- Shut the [Bleep] Up! - Calm down, man.

- All right! - [Bleep] Damn!

All right!

Acting like a [Bleep].

Calm down.

[Bleep], get some balls.

Whoo.

[Laughing] [Mockingly] Ha ha!

I mean, this [Bleep] Night.

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

[Gunshot]

[Exhales deeply]

Oh, check this [Bleep].

What are you guys looking at?

You got bit, man.

It means you're done.

Real done.

[Laughs nervously]

What are you guys talking about?

I'm your sound guy!

It's the valley, man.

There's lots of sound guys.

[Loud smack]

We deal with this all the time.

Good evening, officer.

Sir, I'm gonna need you to turn the truck off.

[Sighs] Okay.

Turn into a werewolf tonight?

I, um-- I know how this looks.

I was at the library, and I--[Grunts]

You're clearly a werewolf right now.

You're halfway there.

You're shirt's ripped up. You got a hairy belly.

I was waiting for a computer.

I couldn't get online.

Well, you know the deal. It's a full moon.

You gotta lock yourself in, all right?

So turn around. We're gonna turn 'em around

and cuff 'em, okay?

He'll sleep it off. It's fine.

- Just turn around-- - Officer, did you see that guy?

What?

Hey, come on! Get him!

My partner never knows when to get people.

[Panting] [Wolf howls]

All right, you're free to go.

He's free to go.

If they can run like that, we let them go.

[Panting] Hoo!

9Sync and correction by Mlmlte 9www.addic7ed.com