Original subtitles

The usual phone token?

- Thanks! - With us, or London?

I have to make a call first.

Then I'll wait at the restaurant, I know what she'll say...

"Not today. Tomorrow, perhaps!"

Tomorrow comes, you leave and return...

No, die!

I'll dine with her this time. She promised!

Well remember, the plane leaves at 9:25.

So you've got two hours to consumate the meal.

You're too old! Two hours won't be enough for you!

I'm in charge of the super jets, women as well!

I'm like a rocket! I disintegrate women!

Watch where you're going!

Excuse me!

This won't take long. Let's wait.

Hello?

Vera, wait a minute!

It's the token! No, I mean it's Giorgio.

How are you, Vera? Listen...

I've got two hours.

No, Vera! Say yes...

Because I...

Yes! Then I'll fly!

Not on an airplane, I'll fly to you!

I'll see you at the motel in half an hour.

Exactly, half an hour, at the motel.

Jinx! The walls of Jericho have fallen!

Illusion!

- Pardon! - Foolish romantic!

- Good evening. - Fill it up...

Check the water, the oil, clean the windows...

- Ready for the morning! - Leave it to me.

Good evening, engineer.

They're all engineers and doctors here, and I scrub!

Good evening.

- "Kisses", please. - Kisses?

You're not my type.

Who cares?

- Manfredi. - Yes?

- My cottage? - Number 6.

- Champagne? - Chilling in the room.

- My lady? - Warming up in the room.

Diabolical!

Come in.

Vera?

You're so beautiful! For you.

How I've dreamt of this moment!

You know I love "kisses"!

Me too!

You scoundrel! I'm talking about the chocolates.

But you thought... Take care of the champagne.

These... They're delicious!

Cheers!

- Some champagne? - Of course!

Vera...

- I love you! - Giorgio!

You know, it's the first time I've cheated on my husband.

- Don't you believe me? - No, sure I do, it's just that...

Nothing, my love!

No, Giorgio.

I'll end up going crazy!

- What is it? - The champagne's given me the hiccups!

Come, my love.

- Please, my love! - Where are you taking me?

Let's have a little nap.

My lovely lady!

God damn it!

Don't get upset. It will pass.

Close your mouth, and try to breathe through your nose.

Poor thing! Do you want a glass of water?

That jinx, Franco! Damned murderer!

Impostor!

- Try to drink small sips. - How many?

Three.

One, two...

and three.

It's gone!

My love!

We'll try something else, don't give up.

Lie down.

- You next to me! - No, you must stay calm.

Don't breathe while I count up to twenty, okay?

- Yes. - One...

Two. Three.

Four. Five.

Six. Seven...

- It's getting late. - Looks like Giorgio did it this time!

- What are you talking about? - Nothing...

A personal reflection, nothing important.

Let's go through control, we fly in 40 minutes.

Giorgio's been consumating his adventure for 1 hour and 20 minutes!

- While you? - Pleasant flight, captain.

101, 102, 103...

Resist, Giorgio! It'll pass at 140, you'll see.

No, it's only getting worse.

- What is it? - My husband!

- Your husband! - Outside!

Quick, in the bathroom!

- Lock yourself in! - No, it's not safe!

Under the bed, they all do it, but it always works!

- Hurry, he's outside! - Have I put on weight?

I won't fit under this damned bed!

Don't go all crazy on me! I'm begging you!

I'll defend you. I'll kill him!

- Don't go crazy! - Have your hiccups gone?

Yes, they've gone, but your husband's here, let's kill him!

I only said it to frighten you.

They say a fright can cure the hiccups.

Right!

Right, they've gone!

My love!

- God! - What is it?

My plane is leaving soon!

I have to go.

You know how it upsets me, but promise me you'll come back.

- Promise you'll come back. - I promise, but no champagne next time.

Just chocolates! Goodbye, my love.

One day dies, and another one is born.

The only thing that changes is the music...

But when there's a bed involved, the music's all the same!

What are you saying?

Forever?

- Forever? - No...

Since He had the great idea to create Adam...

And complicate his life by giving him Eve.

You're mistaken, your Adam was created by Eve.

You're marvellous, even if that lie is as big as a leg!

I never tell lies! Anyway, I don't talk to strangers.

I'm a knight from the old guard!

- Knight? - From Capodimonte.

- I'm a bridesmaid from S�vres. - I'm honoured to have you as my guest.

A stroke of luck, you've replaced an annoying common lady.

You're adorable!

And I'm sure you won't make me regret leaving my previous apartment.

- It was most gracious! - Two beds?

No, only one bed.

Well this a double.

You understand?

- What are you saying? - We get all shapes and sizes here!

Please!

Someone's here.

- Do you speak Chinese? - No.

Then forget about that famous saying by Julius Ceaser...

To look but not touch, is enough to kill you...

Even if it is earthenware!

- How much? - 600.

- No, keep it. - Thanks.

Francisco.

Francisco!

Claudia!

- Did anyone see you? - No, no one.

Darling!

- How I've longed for this moment. - Me too!

- I know you're in there! - It's him!

- Don't go! - Don't make me cause a scene!

- Open up! - I knew he'd find us!

I said open it! Open it, or I'll kick it down!

- Don't go! - We don't have any choice.

Sir, I...

There's no one here, sir.

- Finally, I've caught you in the act! - But there's no one there!

What do you mean there's no one there?

- I never expected this from you! - Try to understand.

- It's the worst betrayal! - What have we done wrong?

You're asking me? I find you together, and nothing's wrong?

But she's my wife! I'm allowed to see her every now and then!

It doesn't matter whose wife she is!

You can't sleep with anyone before the return match!

I paid you three million!

And I want a center-forward in perfect shape this Sunday!

- Not a husband destroyed by his wife! - I married a man not a centre-forward!

- Claudia, calm down. - Calm down?

Not on Monday, because you have to rest after Sunday...

Gymanstics on Tuesday, training on Wednesday...

On Thursday he leaves for the return match...

- When can he be a husband? - After the championship.

Then there's the Italian Cup, the Fair Cup, Champions Cup...

And whatever next damned cup!

The damned cup, what's that? Another tournament?

We'll win that as well! Get dressed, we're leaving!

Get out of this room, and leave us alone!

You be quiet!

For the first time, since the shortest honeymoon...

An international game and a tournament in Brazil...

I've managed to get him in a double room!

- And I intend to use it. - Not at my expense.

I'm not throwing three million away on a double bed!

But I want a husband on my bed, not your three million!

I'll buy you a husband if it means that much to you but I'm keeping my centre-forward!

Say something, this man is offending me!

My wife is right, I won't let you...

No, I'm the one who won't allow it! You should be in bed...

And alone!

Get your jacket, let's go.

- Don't go, stay here! - Cover yourself.

- Please go. - I'm not leaving without you.

And if you were to leave alone, and with force?

It would cost you dearly!

A spiteful act worth three million, not including the money from the match.

Claudia, we're young, we have our whole lives ahead of us.

What about your fans?

You want to let down thousands of men...

Who abandon their wives and their families every Sunday...

They save their cigarette, to see you, to applaud you...

To shout: "Come on, Francisco, show him what you've got!"

What will you show them? A double bed?

- True. - He's right.

- Sunday's going to be a tough game. - I put a bet on it!

Well, then? That's right, you understand.

I'll buy you a big present! So you'll get your reward as well.

Take your jacket. Let's go.

- Hold on. - What is it?

I'd like to say goodbye to my wife.

Okay, make it quick.

Francisco!

Sorry, the game.

Come on, let's win this championship!

Poor thing, she wanted this legitimate meeting with her husband so much!

A football player is a national monument, he can't waste his energy!

A kiss, what's that?

You're a tough one! You don't want to understand.

Every kiss for his wife is one less kick of the ball...

Every Sunday, he has to tumble, fly, jump...

Until he sets alight thousands of brains!

That's love!

That affectionate, homely, Sunday!

Football championship 1962-1963...

The famous teams are making their entrance on the pitch!

The referee isn't giving the penalty and the match continues...

Vultures, they've always got it in for my husband!

Bridesmaid, refereeing is a hobby that costs dearly!

Enough to lose a wife!

- A wife must learn to wait. - She waited!

But why did she bother?

Her husband is tired from working all day...

He spends his evenings talking about football and comes home tired.

He spends his Sundays chasing after a ball, and comes home...

He brings it on himself, it's all his own doing!

- Spy! - My Gemma!

- I'm busy! - I wanted to...

- Hands off! - I just...

- Damn it! - Watch what you say!

I meant that idiot!

We need to talk. It's always later!

Coming!

Good evening.

Washed, waxed, filled up, and ready by the morning...

- We're leaving early. - Yes.

This one's got money, he's got a woman...

And he's in a hurry? I could smash his tail lights!

And I scrub!

- Your room, sir. - And the lady?

- She's next door. - Thank you.

Enjoy your stay.

- Hello? - Yes?

- Giuseppe, it's me. - Who?

Don't you recognise my voice?

It's Fabrizio, I want to talk to my father.

- He's in the dining room. - Then bring the phone to him.

Right away!

Fool.

Hello?

- Daddy. - Yes?

- The irreparable has happened. - What?

- It's your fault. - What?

- I've run away with Gabriella. - Where are you?

- We've run away. - Run away?

- I've kidnapped her. - What does Gabriella say?

- She agrees with me. - Come home.

We won't return until you've given us your consent.

Screw you then!

What do you want? I told you to stay in your room.

- Did you call? - Yes, I spoke to daddy.

- What did he say? - He doesn't care.

The old man is vulgar, don't you find?

No, it's not his fault.

He's someone who came up from the gutter, a tough one!

- Did you call? - Yes, mummy.

- Did you tell her everything? - I couldn't.

- You didn't have the courage. - You're kidding...

She was in a conference and hung up on me.

I believe she's resting before a pyjama party.

One of those do's.

In Princess Otta's castle, Puppi's mother.

Listen, Gabriella, return to your walls now.

- No. - But we promised.

Everyone has to think we... While we...

I know, Fabrizio, I know.

It will be a terrible test, the end of the world.

But you and I aren't just any aristocrats...

- We must know how to win. - Horribly terrifying, but stronger for it!

I'll stay here, quietly, watching you.

I can resist your warm sensual voice...

But not your eyes. I can't resist!

They're devastating. They destroy me!

I lose myself... But I want to respect you.

I must respect you!

No!

It's unheard of!

A young boy in a bedroom, alone, with his girlfriend...

He respects her!

It's offensive! Anything but respect!

No, it's marvelous.

Sublime! True love!

Love raised on a vegetarian diet!

- Real love is nourished with meat! - Ruffian!

- I'm tired. - Go back to your room.

Someone's sweating here, madam! Sweating!

Their closeness is pure.

Spiritual.

I won't stand for these insinuations!

But they're sweating. Under the nose, but they're sweating!

Will you take off my shoes.

- Turn around. - Why?

I want to take off my suspender belt.

You men have no idea how much they make us women suffer!

What a tease!

How wicked! Over some tights?

- Even Eve started... - With tights?

No, with an apple, and that ended in doomsday!

My tights, please!

This woman isn't sexy, this woman isn't sexy...

She doesn't excite me!

You disgust me!

Stop talking nonsense!

It's called autosuggestion, stupid!

There's no need for that. I don't want to!

Strongly!

What I want is to marry with a white veil, seven metres long.

No, nine!

- Is that the only reason? - Isn't it enough?

I thought you wouldn't do it on principle, against our parents!

I couldn't care less about our parents!

- Then why are we doing this? - It's a demonstration of personality!

- Personality? - Yes, personality!

We could have done what all our friends do, without telling anyone...

But we'll say it, but we won't do it. Isn't that personality?

It's utter lunacy!

That's how you talk to me, and we're not even married!

- And we never will! - What a loss!

- I can find as many husbands as I like! - Sure, with daddy's money!

- But I'm through with you! - Yes?

Well I'll show you!

- Brute! - Liar!

- Country boy, fledgling idiot! - Brainless doll!

- Upstart! - Fool!

- Social outcast! - Evil!

Witch! We promised we wouldn't touch each other!

It's over!

See what it means to starve yourself?

The stomach gets nervous, and war breaks out!

Better to lose a battle today, than a war tomorrow!

That's what they say in China.

How does that fare with; better a man today than a hen tomorrow...

- As they say in Naples? - Macaroni!

Motel Paradiso. Good morning, Mr. Amella.

The usual room? With lots of ashtrays!

Don't let me down. Yes, tonight.

Make sure she's a woman... You know I'm a firm man!

- Me and the ladies... - At your service!

I'll be very careful.

We'll all be very careful for you!

Yes, thank you. I'll see you tonight.

Herminio!

- Making a call? - Yes, it was a business call.

I don't care who you were calling. It's how you were calling!

- How? - Yes, how!

You pick up the phone, you say hello, how are you?

You were smoking!

You don't smoke when you're on the phone.

- It's got a filter. - It doesn't matter, you can't.

- I can't? - No.

- But if you want... - Sure...

But I don't want it!

- Then I won't use the phone. - Good, good...

Then you'll lose business because of your vice...

- Your craving for tobacco! - Craving?

I can see the craving in your pants!

I get it, you want to get rid of me!

You know that for every bit of ash that falls on the floor...

You take a year off my life! You know, Herminio!

Okay, then I'll stop smoking cigarettes tomorrow.

I'll smoke Cuban cigars, then you'll see!

Take it, smoke, smoke.

Destroy your poor lungs, but not my house.

- Will you be careful? - Am I in danger?

No, you're not in danger, but my tiles are!

Luckily I bought some skates.

Skates? Rollerskates?

- Quiet. - Artistic rollerskating?

Here.

Put them down.

- Stand on them. - You said put them down.

I said put them down and stand on them.

- Stop! - Who's there?

You can't leave. Carmela is waxing the floor.

- Wax? - Yes.

- There wasn't any wax. - But there was.

Then why add more wax?

- If it's already there. - Please, Herminio.

Yes, Gertrude, yes...

Gertrude, may I?

One centimetre.

Why are you shaking? You'll spill it, put it down...

And use this one, that one's dirty. Put the bottle down, take the glass...

Now take the bottle and try to pour it! Why are you shaking like that?

Use a handkerchief!

Sit down!

Gertrude, I have to go out tonight.

- Where? - Dinner at the Parodi's.

- But you haven't called Parodi. - I'll call now.

- You were going without calling? - I'm not going now...

- I was going to the bathroom. - You can't, Carmela's put acid down.

But I have to go. I'll try the servants quarters.

- No, the cat's there. - The cat?

Yes, the cat is in the servants bathroom!

- The cat? - Yes.

Where can I go?

- Excuse me... - No excuses!

You don't question my orders in this house!

I demand maximum discipline! Absolute obedience!

- Yes, sergeant! - Remember a house is like your country...

And we'll do anything for our house!

A house may also be needed to stand guard over a falling leaf!

At ease!

Your mask won't be enough this time, close your eyes.

She's well built!

What accessories!

She's heavy artillery!

- Good evening, sir. - Hello, Enrico.

Listen carefully, two and a half litres of gas, and no more.

- Enough for me to get home and back. - Don't worry.

Listen, has the lady in cottage six arrived?

- Yes, she's here. - Is she tall?

She's got a fine... She's good.

- I mean up here... - More than enough for you!

- You can have the leftovers! - Good luck.

Good luck?

If I had that women here...

If we...

- I'll explain later. - I got it.

Enrico.

- The moon's so beautiful. - Let me fill it up, it has to be precise.

- A pennypincher? - No, his wife, she measures everything.

Good! It's shameful, a married man coming here to see those tarts!

- Lucky him! - What are you saying?

He can do without them, but what about me?

- You want to...! - You keep pushing me away.

- I knew it! - Don't get upset, let's talk about it.

- I was joking. - Well it wasn't funny!

- Not till we're married! - Come here...

Back to work.

Scrub, Enrico.

I'll throw them wherever I please!

Because I'm the master of the house, and I can do what I like! Got it?

Fine.

- What did you say? - Nothing.

- Listen here... - I'm not listening, don't question me!

I want silence, my dear Gertrude.

- I'm Dolores, I'm not... - And don't speak, and don't breathe...

And don't blow, we don't blow here! You must be quiet and submissive.

Submissive!

- You know what I say? - No.

- You know what I say? - What?

If I really feel like it, I'll put out my cigarettes on the sofas, the rugs...

The bed sheets. You know?

Aren't you clever!

- What did you say? - Clever.

I don't want to see any ashtrays.

- I hate ashtrays! - Who cares?

I destroy ashtrays!

He's going to destroy everything!

I'm the master of the house.

I'm in charge!

I wear the trousers!

And I want to know when you're going to take them off?

- What are they doing there? - It's an addiction!

Look at him!

I throw them and...

It feels so good!

He really is crazy!

- You have to send them to me! - I'll even spit on the floor!

- Who cares? - No, no...

You must forbid me. Tell me I can't.

Okay... You're not allowed to spit.

Well I'm going to spit!

It's so satisfying! It's such fun!

- What are you looking at now? - Nothing.

Then why are you looking at my feet?

I know why, because they're dirty, and I'm not wearing slippers!

And I'm not going to! My house isn't a skating rink...

It isn't a ski slope, and I'm not Tony Sailer!

- Got it? - I didn't say you were!

- And don't say a word! - Who's talking?

And stand up.

I'm the master of the house, and I can do what I want!

Don't start getting offensive!

You midget!

- Crazy midget! - Midget or not, I can do what I want!

And I can even sleep with my shoes on!

And dance a tarantella!

And smoke!

I'll smoke and I'll tip the ash, and I'll do it while I'm making a call!

- You need to call an asylum! - I'll call them!

I pay for everything, and I want the satisifaction of doing as I please...

Right, Gertrude?

Enough of this Gertrude. Look, I'm Dolores!

You don't want me to use the phone!

Well if I can't use it, then no one else can!

- That's not all... - No, I'm done, your two hours are up!

Don't go! Stay another ten minutes.

You're joking? You expect me to sleep with you after all that?

- Forget about it! - Look, please stay...

Don't take away my satisfaction of having a shower, and dripping everywhere!

- Do it alone. - It's not the same.

Please stay! Look...

I'll pay you another 10,000 lira!

Then I'll order dinner for two, we'll dine here...

So I can spread sauce all over my shirt, and pour oil all over my trousers!

Go fry yourself!

I'm taking the 30 I'm due, and I'm leaving!

I've met some really crazy people in my time...

But I've never met anyone like you!

That's not all, I still don't get it?

You've been ordering me around for two hours!

I do this job for the money, okay...

But you need some satisfaction in your work!

I wanted to be bossed around I'd get married!

No, wait. Just one minute...

- One for the road! - What road?

Then a farewell word! May I?

Go on.

- Low-life! - Who? Me?

You're the low-life! You dirty midget...

Go jump off a cliff!

- You don't know who I am! - Sure! You're the idiot who got slapped!

You know what I say, you hussy?

Mr. Amella.

- A Cinzano, please. - May I?

- Excuse me, is she your daughter? - No.

- Why? - Because she isn't.

Mr. Amella, what are we adding to your tab this time?

Seven ashtrays... No, eight!

The telephone, and the usual damage to...

Good evening.

- You look a little worried. - Yes, she was a disappointment!

It's pointless, she's too attached to her professional dignity.

I need a woman who's more like a wife.

More house proud!

- I understand. - Would you do me a favour?

- Sure. - For tomorrow night...

Will you be so kind as to find me a larger woman...

- A larger woman? - Yes, a nice...

One of those retired colonels, with a moustache, even!

A large physique, or character?

No, I mean...

You know... No, let's exclude hippo's.

Wait, look. Keep it.

You deal with it, someone like that.

You can look now...

Nothing exciting this time, a legitimate couple.

- Finally, some fresh air! - A salesman, he travels a lot...

- And he always brings his wife with him. - Poetry in motion!

Here as well, madam, it's only prose...

It's to save money. He makes her cook in his room.

You're a damned miser! That's what you are!

My mother kept telling me when we were engaged...

"Don't marry the stranger. " I didn't want to believe her!

And this is what I get!

A rag for a dress, and nothing more!

It might work in another season.

Then the seasons change, and the years pass...

But the dress stays the same!

Pretending you can't hear me! But I won't wear it anymore!

I'll destroy it!

Then you'll be forced to buy me another one!

You see what I'm doing to it, Riccardo?

I'm talking to you!

Open your eyes! Look!

Look!

I can't leave this room any more!

Did you hear? Do you understand what I said?

I can't leave!

Hold on...

Sure I can leave, because if you don't leave immediately...

And buy me a new dress...

I'll go out... Naked!

Do you understand?

Naked!

Riccardo, I'm going out, naked!

No, Margaret, wait!

As you're going out, would you mind posting this letter?

A taste of love, madam. And I remind you...

They were here on their honeymoon seven dozen moons ago...

Eager, passionate... In love!

Forgive my silence, my dear, I'm terribly tired from all that driving.

It's okay, my love. I still have that annoying migraine.

- Operator? - Yes?

Put me through to 75-44-79.

- Ambretta! - My love!

I'll be with you tomorrow!

No, don't be jealous.

- My wife is dead! - Swear, Maurizio, please!

You know she doesn't exist as a woman anymore!

She was left completely paralyzed after the accident!

She's in a wheelchair.

If you knew how much more I love you when you say certain things!

She's beyond that. If you could see her now...

She's become a shadow of herself. A saint...

Only a saint can stay with her.

It's pointless, darling, she could die. Actually, she's bound to die at any moment.

There's no life in her. She's finished!

Yes, my love!

Just be on time! The steamer for Capri at two.

I swear I'll call you back in half an hour.

I have to help her get into bed.

Darling!

May you have so many wonderfully happy dreams!

With this migraine?

It seems like I love you less when I feel this terrible ring around my head!

- Why don't you find some painkillers? - I only ever want to serve you!

Thanks, dear.

Put me through to 42-66-39.

- Andrea, dear! - What's the latest?

My rat of a husband will be busy tomorrow.

- Very good. - Can I see you?

- Sure! - I'll always be with you, my love!

- Just me? - How can I possibly love my husband?

Please don't be jealous. He's sixty, he's old...

- Ambretta, my love. - I want you!

- I'll cover you in kisses! - Lots, lots!

- Life is meaningless without you! - Yes, in the arms of another!

Don't keep going back to my wife, I can't throw her in the river!

But you can put her in a clinic!

Then promise me it's over between you and Pino.

Yes, a hundred times!

- I love you! - Me too!

- A kiss, dear, I'll see you tomorrow. - What number invoice?

No, but I'm scared my wreck of a husband will return.

- Yes, all the stock. - Okay.

- Tomorrow, okay? - Okay, to tomorrow!

I'm not saying anything against women...

But how can she put up with a man who suffers from car sickness and won't get it cured?

How, madam? You skid round corners and swerve!

Come... Come to your darling!

- What's got into you? - I'm shy!

- Why? - I'm shy!

What are you talking about?

We're married now, what's wrong with getting a double room?

Only if you show the certificate, otherwise I'm leaving.

Okay, I'll show the certificate.

- Would you like a room? - A double.

- I figured! - We're husband and wife.

- It doesn't matter. - Our marriage certificate.

There's no need, married or not, you can still have the room.

Please show him, Ciccio!

- If you'll just look at it. - Let's see this blessed certificate!

It is blessed! We were blessed by the priest of Calascibetta!

- Any luggage? - Yes, but don't worry...

We leave for Venice in the morning. We only stopped tonight to...

I'm embarrassed!

Make your way to cottage 6, I'm sorry, but all the staff are busy.

- No trouble at all, we'll find it. - It's just outside, 50 metres ahead.

Ciccina, the bar. Come on!

No, heavens no! I'm shy!

A glass of wine on the first night of our honeymoon?

No!

This is all I need!

- How much? - It's a long story...

To start with, I'm Franco Standanato and Sons...

Almonds, pistacchios, and coconuts.

The motel fits the bill and I'm staying!

- Fill it up three litres. - Oil?

A rough ounce!

Tell me something, what are the foreign ladies like here?

- Too expensive for you. - You've never met a Sicilian!

- Shall I'll fill it up with Super? - Normal!

Slowly! My new shoes are hurting me!

Then I'll remove with them with this exquisite hand!

- My naked feet? - Didn't your mother tell you anything?

- No, she didn't tell me anything. - Come...

Your darling will tell you!

Bless the Virgin Mary!

Alone at last.

A pleasure, Franco Standanato and Sons. Salesman, almonds and coconuts...

As you can tell by that fine sample over there on the table!

You know, I'm staying tonight, tomorrow morning I leave early for Milan...

- I'll take the ring road straight there! - Alone?

Unfortunately. You know, I like the ladies...

- And you? - It must be a double, the singles are full.

Make it a triple!

Let the bone rest! I sleep belly up, and you?

- I'll give you 9. - Thanks!

- Your coconuts. - Right!

I can't sleep if I don't drink some coconut...

It's refreshing, and with all due respect, it cleans.

- Do you know why they're good for you? - No.

Then I'll tell you! From the time of Adam and Eve...

Come, Ciccina.

You want to dishonour me!

But I'm your husband...

Signed, stamped, and blessed by the Archbishop of Calascibetta!

He didn't say I have to sleep with Ciccio in the dark!

Listen, thirteen years we've been dating and you never let me kiss you...

Never let me touch you...

- You're tickling me! - Ciccina, stop!

The priest says where there's a husband the wife must rest.

That's true! He does say that.

No, it can't be true! You're a liar!

It's the truth, Ciccina.

No, you're only saying it because I'm naive and I've never been married before!

I'm telling you the truth, this is what a husband and wife do.

I don't believe it unless my mummy tells me...

- Because you're all liars! - Okay, let's call mummy...

- She'll tell you the same. - What do I know about telephones?

I've never been married before!

- You're a devil! - Let's call the night porter...

- Or this night's going to end in ruin! - No, I'll go alone!

I'll feel embarrassed if my mother tells me certain things while you watch.

I want to find flowers when I come back, because I'm a romantic!

Where can I get flowers at this hour?

If you really want them then they'll spring from your heart!

Ciccio, I want to find flowers!

Just you be careful of that nightporter's masculine eye!

Ciccina and Ciccio together forever!

So romantic!

- Gardener? - Room service.

Room service, gardener, it's all the same...

I'm the male hunter, and I usually aim for the best!

- What do you want? - I'm alone, you're alone...

And that's how we'll stay, if you don't mind!

Keep me company and I'll give you a coconut.

It's refreshing and, with all due respect, it cleans!

Just go!

If you change your mind, I'm in room 9...

And don't forget to turn up with a bunch of flowers!

I'm a vigourous male! Volcanic!

I warned you!

I'm sure you'll come, continental gardener!

Very soft!

You son of a coconut! To us!

Better clean today, than an idiot tomorrow!

Wicked cat! I'll go, break, and come back!

He who dares wins!

Did I leave them here?

The light's on?

The light's off?

I broke it, wicked cat!

Let's take care of the coconut!

That will do.

Where are my pyjamas?

Perhaps I pushed them under the bed.

The more I wash, the longer I get!

It's on?

It's off!

It's off! There must be a breeze!

It's open?

It's on!

Ciccina's back!

See? Your darling didn't lie to you!

We're going to have a marvellous first night on our honeymoon!

I'll be reserved, delicate... Maybe even poetic!

The gardener changed her mind! She couldn't resist my coconut!

She's naked!

I'll wait for you on the marriage bed.

She's got fake breasts! Liar!

Ciccina, you've betrayed me!

You shouldn't have done this to me.

The more I wash, the shorter I get!

My magnificent gardener!

You're like marble!

And forest like!

Ciccio, it's Ciccina!

In bed with another man on our wedding night!

- Who are you? - No! Who are you?

You could have told me you weren't a man!

- You could have told me as well! - Me?

What are you saying?

You're the one who tried to seduce me with a bunch of flowers!

It's not true!

You brought him flowers, but not me!

He's the freak who disguised himself as a woman!

- Out of my room, Mr. transvestite! - Okay, I'm leaving, Mr. green ballet!

Just remember, I haven't been dishonoured!

Calm down, it's a terrible misunderstanding!

Let me explain. Take your Coco in your arms!

Coco, my ass! That's my coconut!

Franco Standanato and Sons. Salesman; almonds and coconuts...

- Will you leave? - I'm leaving...

Mr. Girl Scout!

Corruptor of newlyweds!

Shameful corruptor!

Deceiver of women, and seducer of men!

Who have I married?

Nut's trick!

Excuse me, a play on words. I meant a trick of fate!

Hello, girls!

Enrico, you're always between some woman's legs!

Enrico!

- Come here, I'll dry you! - You're crazy!

Come here!

Pull me up...

- You're going to kill me! - Not before I teach you to live!

You're all wet!

- It's him! - No, it's another one.

The cards don't lie. An ace of cups and an ace of cups!

A dangerous game!

I'll see, then I'll tell you.

Quite a sparrows nest my husband promised you!

Exactly, but it's obvious he doesn't have refined taste.

A month on the French Riviera is far more chic...

Which you've promised me...

- For helping you with this ambush! - Two months if he's in his underwear.

Add fifteen days in Paris, there and back on a superjet...

- And I'll serve him up naked like a fish! - No, in his underwear...

He has to run off like hare! Pig! Cheating on me with my best friend.

But it hasn't actually happened, yet.

Besides, if you hadn't forced me to come here...

He wouldn't have come looking for me.

Not to be a puritan, but...

But your husband really isn't my type!

I believe you, but he's my husband...

And, in my spare time, I do vaguely love him!

And it sickens me that he's buying all my friends diamonds and fur coats!

He's had all of them, that pig. You were the only one left.

- I'm costing you quite a bit! - Yes, but I'll catch him in his pants!

He'll be caught red handed and I'll put him in his place...

A director general! And he'll go back to being a farmer!

All I need is confirmation.

What are you doing? Who are you calling?

I've got it! You're having an affair as well!

- This is Mrs. Mondini. - We're ready!

Everything's ready? Thank you!

Try to hurry because the situation here is getting unbearable...

- I don't know how to calm him! - Okay, keep him isolated...

I wouldn't want anything serious to happen!

Please hurry!

And remember, I have to kick him out in his underwear.

- And he'll find his surprise outside! - Yes, and I'll create the atmosphere!

Listen.

Do you like it?

To us two, Mr. Mondini. A dear husband...

- Mr. Mondini! - You're looking good, most elegant...

- The man with a flower in his mouth! - The doll is in the sparrow's nest.

- Lying down, I believe. - Already?

You see Manfredi, it might seem nonsense...

But that thing with the nests, the sparrows...

You bring them all in! They come!

- It's a question of form. - Those who know!

Like that! I defend myself...

Tell me, what do you think of this one?

Elvira.

- I'm starting to feel sick! - What's wrong?

What if he doesn't come?

- You'll have to pay for my holiday! - That pig won't refuse the acorn.

It's a good thing he won't refuse the acorn!

You know, I could almost pass out from the anxiety!

It's so soft!

You never know...

I'll lock myself in the bathroom!

Yes?

- Who is it? - It's me, your Cesarino!

Your little sparrow that goes chirp, chirp!

Here's your little sparrow!

- Are you crazy? - Me?

Yes! You're crazy!

You're in league with my wife!

- Why? - You present yourself like this!

Naked, like a nymph, my heart gives out, I die...

- And the old witch gets everything! - Old witch!

You must be cold.

Maybe it's the emotions, but I'm very hot.

Yes? I can fix that, it's air-conditioned!

Air-conditioned! Wait.

Et voila! There you go!

Don't you feel cold?

Doesn't it feel like Spring? Do you hear the sparrows?

The little birds that go chirp, chirp!

I've got the shivers!

Let me warm you!

Purr, my beautiful big cat!

Come, my love! My heart howls!

And mine? Is it whispering?

Yours howls as well? Then why do you resist me?

- First, undress. - Undress?

- You must have been an athlete. - Olympic!

I want to enjoy you naked first!

- You must be a brutal force of nature! - You got it in one!

It's true... Check out my pecs!

Then there's the forbidden muscle! Touch the muscle!

How you touch it!

Undress!

Undress, undress...

Forbidden muscle!

- Well... - Well?

- Undress! - Everything?

As you wish! Leopard!

You want to play cat on a hot tin roof!

My beautiful leopard!

We're finally alone!

Are we going to do this chirp, chirp?

Yes!

Yes, it's me! The miserable witch who married an old pig like you!

What are you talking about? Who's old?

Who's old? I'm not old!

- What's got into you? - I'll tell you...

What's got into you? Who's this?

I don't know her! Who are you?

No, I don't know her! Calm down and we'll talk!

- I am calm! - Good, then I'll explain...

- Later! - Okay, at home.

First I'm going to kill you!

Will you stop getting in the way?

Who are you going to kill? You're crazy!

How can I explain if you kill me?

The dead don't talk!

You're so unreasonable!

- Calm down. - I am calm!

I'm incredibly calm!

I'll explain everything. You see her...

Look at her!

I've never been here before! I don't know these people!

He's crazy! He attacked me!

See? He's naked! He took all his clothes off!

- I'm in my underwear! - He attacked me naked!

He says he's my husband but I don't know him!

But I am your husband! Let go of me!

You're going to regret this!

- Say something! - I already have!

Are you all crazy?

You're right, the lady's a lunatic. I'll take you somewhere safe.

But I want to go home!

- I'm Jimmy! - Who cares?

A calm day today.

- The solitude is starting to worry me. - Someone will come, don't doubt it.

It's Wednesday and on Wednesdays this apartment is reserved...

For the casanova of the skies! With the hiccups, perhaps!

You can set your calendar by him!

- This time you're staying with us. - Sure!

You know I can't!

- Why's he in such a hurry? - The usual call, usual appointment...

The usual 'no'.

Hello, Vera. I'm back!

Laugh, laugh... You'll see!

Die!

I have to teach him a lesson.

Every time we land in Rome he dumps us with this story...

But this time...

A chocolate?

- Contraband or local? - No, neither...

They were in the box Giorgio had under his arm...

I substituted them for naughty chocolates!

For you, sir!

Guaranteed quality! Rapid effect, ten minutes maximum!

The latest speciality from Geneva. They call them coup de foudre!

A bolt of lightning!

For you... And I'll have this.

Now, I'll put it in your mouth, and you'll put yours in mine!

There's something else...

Twist for lovers.

The English say it's good for self-control...

It shakes you deep inside!

I want to love and dance. Dance and love!

I want to love and dance with you!

What happened to them? I don't get it.

You wouldn't understand. We're made of clay, we don't have these needs!

But it's undoubtedly a twist that doesn't go well with chocolates!

The papers came through, we're getting married!

- How do you like your surprise? - You know what the boss told me?

- What? - We can stay here for our honeymoon!

We'll be treated like royalty!

- Damn it. - Don't ignore your work.

We have to settle down. We've got so much time ahead of us!

Read it!

I'm sorry but we've got some newlyweds in number 6...

You know them well, our Enrico and our Gemma...

- They tied the knot today. - What did they do?

- They got married this morning. - Married?

We're all free to choose the armour we prefer!

But I can give you 43.

Are there ashtrays to break? Plates, dishes, cups?

There's also a beautiful new sheet on the bed!

I'll have dinner in the room.

Some nice spaghetti with tomato and garlic...

With lots of oil and tomato, so I can spread it all over my shirt!

And some of that red wine that really stains the tablecloth!

I'll go to bed with my shoes tonight!

Not with me?

You're needed in the restaurant.

No, I'll stick with the shoes!

- Your daughter? - No.

- Why? - Because she isn't!

- Old pig! - No, a man of the world!

Enrico and Gemma, just married!

They're so nice!

They exude a happiness that's pure, beautiful, real!

Gemma!

You're always running away!

Perhaps you should get undressed. I'll leave, if you like?

No, face the other way.

- What is it? - Nothing.

Turn around.

Do we really have to sleep together, here, in this room?

- On that bed? - But we're married now!

I know, it's not because I'm shy.

- There's something about this room. - I know, but it will pass.

- I'll switch off the light. - No.

I don't feel up to it. I can't do it!

What's up with you? People get married for this as well.

We couldn't do it when we were dating...

Now you don't feel like it. You know what?

I'll write a letter to a stork and tell it to bring us a baby...

Because you won't even sleep with me on our wedding night!

You're a brute!

Don't you understand that being in here, for the first time...

But you grew up here! You know what?

I'm going to bed, you do what you want, okay?

My wedding night as well!

You're leaving me dry, and we're married!

You're abandoning the conjugal bed!

What are you doing now?

You walk slowly!

What's got into you? Look at you!

I'm taking you back home. Let's go!

Remember Enrico, at the gas pump?

You left him dry. So I'm taking you to your mother!

Maybe you didn't get it? First, I'll take you to the moon...

Then I'll throw you out to sea! I'll show you who I am!

- Where are you taking me? - I'll show you!

Damn it, trees as well!

You won't run away from me now.

- The statuette! - Gemma, I'm so happy I married you.

You missed a great show.

Amore! No, Ammore...

With two M's, lots of R's...

A grammatical mess, but all beautiful!

Coming!

I forgot!