Original subtitles

You're so pretty.

Stop. No, you are.

No, stop. Seriously.

Oh, I, um, I almost forgot, I got you something.

You got me something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I think you've done enough for me already.

Well... actually...

OK, wait. Tell me when.

Well, I don't want to get your hopes up,

'cause I‐it's, uh, it's actually not for you.

Oh.

It's, uh...

Check it out.

There's this guy outside my, uh, uncle's diamond store...

Mm‐hmm.

And he sells these on, like, one of those tables,

and I thought that, uh, Ali would really like it, you know?

I mean, they had a bunch of different kinds,

but, you know, it's, uh, it's a fidget spinner.

You know?

I know. I know what a fidget spinner is.

What's‐what's happening here now?

Um... sorry, did I do something? I don't‐‐.

Can you just put that away, please?

Why would you do that?

Like, why would you get s‐‐ what‐‐.

Fuck.

W‐I‐I thought‐‐ I thought it would be nice.

You thought it'd be nice?

What about this seems nice?

We're fucking in the bed that my husband's gonna sleep in later on tonight,

so what‐what exactly seems nice about that?

You think a toy's gonna make up for that?

OK, all right.

It...

I just‐I‐I don't know, I didn't‐‐.

OK, look, it's just this‐‐.

It was just a little thing. Can we just forget about it?

And why exactly are you thinking about my son?

I wasn't thinking about‐‐

I was thinking about you, and so I thought about him.

I didn't know you had this, like,

magic rule where you can't get someone a gift.

No, we have broken every rule, magic or not, there is to break, OK, Ramy?

And a toy is not gonna make up for anything that we're doing.

We're not fucking good people here.

I'm‐I'm not the one who's married, OK?

Let me get this straight, man, OK?

So, her husband leaves, she drops off her kid,

then you bang her by lunch, then she kicks you out?

What part of that routine told you to buy a gift?

I just thought it would be nice, man.

I... her son's cool.

He's not your fucking kid!

You're breaking up a marriage.

This is real. It's against all the rules.

It's a huge fuckin' sin!

Don't curse in front of your son.

What, you want to raise my kid now, is that what you want?

He doesn't understand what you're saying,

and if he does, I hope he learns from your fuck‐ups.

You need to go feed the homeless, visit the sick,

cleanse yourself.

Take a fuckin' shower.

- I‐I know. - Hey buddy, see your uncle here?

See your Uncle Ramy?

He's a homewrecker.

He's a dirty homewrecker.

- Stop, dude. - Can you say it with me?

Homewrecker.

That's right, buddy. Mwah!

What's up, man?

'Sup, terrorist?

How's it goin'?

Oh, fine.

What, uh... what are you playin', man?

Goddamnit!

So, uh, what'd you do this time?

What do you mean?

You only come here when you're feeling guilty.

No.

You must have really fucked up this time.

Yeah, I'm here to hang out with you, man. I miss you.

That's why‐that‐that's the only reason I came.

What's going on?

Tell me about your life.

Take my headphones off.

OK.

Got a bit of a lady situation myself.

Met this girl playing Call of Duty online.

She's awesome.

Dude, that's amazing.

Yeah, like, we just talked about life.

You know, and I haven't really felt

like I've ever connected with someone like this.

You know, and she invited me over to her apartment today.

That's awesome. You got to go.

Ahh... can't.

She's all the way up in Mahwah.

Can't ask my mom to take me to a date.

Let's go, man. I‐I want to take you.

Right now?

Yeah, yeah, no‐‐ this is‐this is‐‐

I haven't seen you for a while,

the fact that she invited you today‐‐.

This‐I think this was meant to be. Let's do it.

Take my ventilator off.

So, what's, uh‐‐ you didn't even tell me, man.

I mean, like, what's she look like? Like, what's‐what's‐what's her deal?

Is she in, like, a similar, like, situation?

Huh? What?

Has she got dystrophy, or is she, like, a chair person?

A chair person? What?

No, that's not a crazy question. You're acting like I'm, like, being rude.

Think about it. What would we do?

Play fuckin' bumper cars?

OK, yeah, no, that makes sense, sorry.

I didn't‐I didn't mean that.

Oh, and I almost forgot‐‐

Mikaela asked if we could pick up booze along the way,

so we got to make a pit stop.

All right, man.

What, uh, what kind of alcohol you want?

I don't know.

All right, and don't pull the whole Muslim, "Oh, what's alcohol?"

You've been to way more parties than me.

Yeah, but I don't drink at them.

I... I'll just‐‐ I'll figure something out.

I'll‐I'll find something that looks good.

Thank you. All right.

And a box of condoms.

Dude, no.

We can't do this. You have a heart problem.

We're not gonna experiment with sex.

Don't start with the heart, all right?

How is it even gonna happen?

Like, what‐how are you gonna have sex with her?

If it happens, be there for the setup, and I'll take it from there.

All right, man, I'll get the‐‐ I'll get the condoms.

Thank you.

But we're‐we're gonna have to talk about how the execution happens.

How are you, friend?

Hey, um, can I also get a box of condoms?

Which one?

Let's do the yellow one.

I. D., please. Yeah.

There you go.

Thanks.

Ramy Hassan‐Muslim name. You are Muslim?

Yeah.

As‐Salaam‐Alaikum.

Wa‐Alaikum‐Salaam.

Uh... thi‐‐this one‐this is‐‐ this isn't for me, actually.

This is for my buddy, so...

No, no, no, no, no. You cannot buy for buddy.

Buddy must show I. D.

Well, he's, uh, he's‐it's, um, kind of hard to get him...

you know, getting him out of the car is like‐‐

I need to see this buddy.

Yeah, you know, um...

This is for me.

I'm... I'm gonna‐I'm gonna drink it, and I'm gonna use them a lot,

later.

OK. Yeah, so.

I‐I‐I actually haven't drank before, though.

You know, this is gonna be my first time.

If I do it. Like, I don't even know if I'm gonna do it.

I'm still‐I'm really kind of struggling with the choice, so...

I‐I fa‐I fasted Ramadan too, like, the whole month.

Sa‐Salaam‐Alaikum.

Next!

All right, man, that's it over there.

You ready?

I'm fuckin' ready.

Let's do it, man.

Dude. I thought you said there was one step.

Shut the fuck up. It's only two.

Steve! You look just like your avatar.

I'm so glad you came.

Of course. I said I would.

Who's this?

Oh, yeah. Uh, this is Ramy.

He's just... my aide.

Yeah, I'm‐I'm, uh, just his aide.

Uh, very, very minimal involvement, uh, with his life.

That's so chill.

Come in.

Welcome to the abode.

That's Kristi over there.

She's being fucking weird today.

Did you bring the shit?

Of course.

Ramy.

Ramy.

OK.

Oh, sweet! We finished out my parents' cabinet,

and they're gone for the weekend,

so we were like, "Oh, we got to get more!"

So, this is awesome.

Ohh! This shit is lit!

This shit is gon' be lit!

This shit is lit!

This shit is gon' be lit!

This shit is lit, this shit is gon' be lit!

- Lit. - Uh, I'm gonna pour us some.

Awesome. Yeah, for sure, thanks.

Dude, you bought some good stuff.

Dude, what the fuck is happening right now?

What?

These girls are really young, man.

She said that she lives here with her parents?

OK. We live with our parents. It's a fucked‐up economy.

Yeah, I don't think this is because of the economy, man.

Heh... hey!

Ohh.

Uh, no, I don't‐I don't need a shot. I'm good.

I, uh, I actually am driving,

'cause I'm his aide, so, I'm on the clock.

More for us. Yes!

Should... I...?

Be my guest.

Uh, he's actually, he's...

really can't either, he's a little bit of a lightweight,

and his condition and stuff, so, um, it's probably better if he doesn't.

Well, they're already poured, so there's no turning back.

OK, you wanna pace yourself a little, or...?

Mmm! Coconut is my jam! All right, let's go!

Light that fucking blunt, bitch! Light that fucking blunt, bitch!

Sit down, stop being weird.

Eh‐OK.

Oh, you're on duty. I remember.

Yeah.

Uh, Steve's good, actually.

Uh, he needs a ventilator to breathe,

so I don't think smoke's gonna help him.

I use a ventilator so I can live... for this.

He's fine, thank you.

Hey, Mikaela,

you said you wanted to show me your gaming setup?

Oh, yeah!

Let's go!

OK.

Hey, um...

it's...

Kristi. Kristi. Yeah, hey.

Hi.

You been um, like, partyin' all day, or‐‐?

You call this a party?

I don't know. Mikaela's, like, on one or something.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go check on Steve, and just make sure that we're‐‐

I'll‐I'll be right back.

OK.

Can I, like, control your joystick?

I don't see why not.

So many buttons.

Ramy!

Those shots you got were lit as fuck!

I've got to get more.

Oh. H‐hey, Mikaela, uh,

you think you could give Steve and I a sec?

I just want to, like, check out his, uh, oxygen and, you know,

heart rate and all that.

That's cool. A bitch got to pee anyway.

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Maybe ha‐have some water too? Yeah? Just, like, a sip of water.

Dude, we got to get outta here now.

These girls are definitely in high school.

Yeah. She's 16.

You knew that? Dude, she's underage.

According to the State of New Jersey, 16 is the age of consent.

We bought them alcohol, dude. That's definitely illegal.

They were drinking before we got here. If anything, we're chaperoning.

Yeah, we are chaperoning. That girl has braces, Steve.

- You're judging. - If she's drunk,

how can she even fuckin' consent to the age of consent?

Um, I can't physically force myself onto anyone.

I think that's pretty fucking obvious.

I'm "Me Too" ‐proof.

I don't feel good about this, at all.

Ramy, I don't have the same options that you do.

I can't just go to a party on the Upper East Side.

I can't just use apps to meet people.

I know this shit's weird,

but we've been flirting all week,

way before she was drunk.

She likes me, I like her,

and she wants me here.

So, please...

just let me have this one.

Want one?

Um, nah, I'm OK, I don't drink.

You're straight edge?

Yeah, something like that.

Yeah, I tried that once. It was a fucking failure.

Mikaela always does this.

She's, like,

always trying to be, like, open‐minded,

or alternative or whatever.

Like, last year she was hooking up with this cholo dude from Patterson,

and I was like, "Dude! He's in a gang!"

And‐and she just said that she was trying to help immigration or something.

I don't know, she's just, like, really into woke dick.

I guess disabled is a step up.

Yeah, disabled is, uh‐‐ sounds better.

She slept with my boyfriend last year.

I'm sorry. That, um, that sucks.

How could you hook up with someone that's already in a relationship?

It's just, like, so messed up.

I mean, like, at least in college, people have their, like, shit figured out.

Yeah, you know, I mean, like...

college doesn't make all those things any clearer, you know?

I‐I mean, I think sometimes people sleep with the wrong person,

and they don't know, you know,

the‐why they did it.

It just‐it just happened,

and‐and‐and it doesn't mean they're a bad person. You know? Um...

If anything, these things get a little more complicated the older you get.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just, like, fucking kill myself.

What?

Everyone says these are the best years of our lives,

and if that's true, that's just, like, fucking depressing.

Like you said, huh, it's not gonna change.

But it‐it‐it does change a little bit.

Like, it doesn't fully change, but there's definitely change.

I just don't want to be here anymore.

I just can't do it anymore. I just can't, OK?

What‐what if I, um,

what if I just‐what if I take a drink with you, huh?

Yeah.

Let's have that drink.

OK?

Come on, here we go. I'm‐I'm gonna‐‐

I need‐I need someone to "cheers" with, right?

I mean...

OK...

You probably don't even drink this girlie shit, do you?

No, I‐I'll‐I‐I'll drink. Just‐ju‐I'll drink it with you.

Just let's have a "cheers." Come on, let's do it.

I‐I can't do it if you don't‐‐.

Cheers! Just cheers!

There you go. The‐‐.

Ahh.

Wow. Ah...

That's, um...

That was really good,

and‐and‐and this is‐‐

this is really good, yeah?

Like, loo‐‐.

Like, look, I‐I‐I know I haven't known you that long,

but you're one of the coolest people I've ever met.

Seriously, like, the fact that

you were able to forgive Mikaela after she slept with your boyfriend‐‐.

There's...

not a lot of people like that, you know?

Like, the‐the‐the world needs more people like you to...

to be alive, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah? Mm.

I actually wrote a song about everything that happened after.

Do you want to hear it?

I‐I would love to hear it.

Are you sure?

Yeah. OK.

I mean, I'm just gonna play the backtrack

and‐and do the vocals, like, live.

Yeah, live vocals, that's‐that's great.

Wow, that was‐‐ that was really powerful.

I mean, that‐that‐that whisper at the end.

That‐that‐Wow.

It was just so vulnerable

and so... so you.

Yeah?

And, uh...

it's good.

Thank you.

You know, I love your beard.

Yeah, it's, like, so cool.

Like, all the guys at school try to grow beards,

but it just looks like pubic hair.

Takes time. You know, like, people usually grow them in college,

you know, which is where you'll‐you'll be going soon, yeah?

Well, thanks for being such a good listener.

Yeah, of cour‐‐.

Look, it's‐it was a‐‐ it was a really good song,

so it was easy to listen to.

No... I mean, sometimes I feel like no one can hear me...

But you do.

You know, I've been thinking about what you said before.

About, uh...?

About‐about forgiveness,

and how that makes me a stronger person.

I think I really needed to hear that...

to know that there's something good about me,

that I'm, like, worth love.

Yeah.

Can I, like, touch your beard? It's so cool.

Yeah, OK.

What does your beard smell like?

- Ah, it just‐it just smells like hair. - It what?

Yeah, just like‐like‐it's like the hair, like, on your head, yeah.

Ramy!

Ramy!

Shit.

Steve? What's up, buddy?

Mikaela's just throwing up everywhere.

Well, hey‐hey, can you open the door?

When we locked it, we did a real complex job.

OK, can Mikaela‐‐ can you open the door, please?

Oh, fuck, she's out.

Mikaela?

Mikaela, are you OK?

- Oh, fuck! - Mikaela!

Shit.

This happened once before.

OK, look, I told her she can't drink anything unless she eats something first.

OK, Kristi, how 'bout this‐‐

why don't you go see if you've got a knife or something in the kitchen,

and I can try to get this doorknob open.

OK.

Kristi, go, go. I believe in you. Go.

All right, man, we're getting a knife. I'm gonna try and get this door open.

Oh, shit.

Bitch is pissing herself.

- What? - Fuck. This is bad, man.

Fuck.

Aah!

- This stuff's really bad. - Kristi, give me the knife.

Dude, you were right.

- Um... - This is real bad.

Yeah, I'm‐I'm trying, dude.

Maybe we got to call somebody.

We're not calling the cops.

No one's calling the cops, all right? No cops.

Let's just figure this out ourselves.

WikiHow says to kick the door down.

What?

WikiHow says the best way to break down a door is with a forceful kick.

Kick the fuckin' door!

OK, OK, OK.

No, don't do a jump kick, OK?

You lose momentum that way.

It says‐it says plant one foot on the ground...

Yeah? And kick with your dominant foot.

OK, OK.

No! Do like the picture!

Above or below the lock!

Hurry!

Kick with your heel! I'm trying to‐‐.

Say Allahu Akbar.

What?

I don't know, do your prayer shit.

Allahu Akbar.

Yeah, OK.

Um...

Allahu Akbar!

Allahu Akbar!

Akbar!

Allahu Akbar!

Allahu Akbar! Yeah!

- Allahu Akbar! - Allahu Akbar!

Allahu Akbar!

Come on, man, get her up.

Yeah, I know. Here, help me lift her up.

Help me lift her, help me lift her.

OK, here we go. Come on, come on.

- Mikaela. - Come on, come on.

Come on. All right.

I don't care about any of that stuff with Brandon, OK?

Please just, like, wake up, OK?

What are we gonna do?

I'm just seeing if she's breathing.

Well, don't you have a procedure? I thought you were a nurse.

Um...

Aide. Much less training.

No, she's breathing, she's definitely breathing.

Mikaela. Mikaela.

- Mikaela. - Huh? Mikaela? Huh, huh, huh?

Come on, Mikaela.

Hey. Mikaela.

Oh, fuck.

OK, Kristi. OK.

I need you to get me some seltzer water, right,

something that we can give her to just calm herself down.

And, uh, I know where we can take her.

Yo, she's in the front seat.

She's up front? OK.

Thank you, man. I got you, man.

Well, I got everyone, I'm a doctor, but you get it.

I got her, I got her. OK, here we go.

All right, this is my friend Ahmed.

Hi, Mikaela. You're gonna be OK.

Yeah?

Yeah, I'm not letting you go to jail, man.

I told you Steve's the devil.

Shoulda been dead four years ago.

- OK, OK. - Just unlatch it right there.

Here? OK.

There you go. See? Here we go.

Tell her little friend to go through the front.

Okay, I will. Dude, thank you, man. Just text me, let me know.

I got you, I will.

Thank you.

Dude.

Allahu Akbar.

You know, you're normally a bitch,

but you really manned up tonight.

We made out? What?

She tasted like piña coladas.

Yeah, I'm sure she did. She‐‐ she fuckin' drank that whole thing.

Come on, dude, let's go.

Where have you been?

Hey, I w‐I was just hanging out with Steve.

Sit down, I wanna to talk to you.

Uh, I‐is everything OK? I... why are you up so late?

I want to tell you about my day. Sit down.

OK.

I received a phone call today from a guy I knew from the mosque.

He tells me about his new job he has as an investment banker,

where he has to travel a lot,

and, uh, that kind of put some stress on his marriage.

So, uh, Taheem comes home today from the airport.

He finds his wife crying, and before he knows it,

she confesses everything to him.

Apparently, while he is away,

you have been seeing his wife Salma.

Um...

Yeah, I‐I, um...

Look, I...

It kind of happened really fast, and I didn't know what I was doing‐‐.

How could you do this to a married woman?

And finally, after months,

they sent me a tape back,

and it was my father, cursing at me for leaving.

Ya Allah, at least you're not gay.