Original subtitles

Six months of love

But it feels like a day

Your breath smells like coffee

But I love it that way

Happy anniversary...

[CONTINUES HOLDING NOTE]

- Well, that was special. - Not yet.

I got to take another breath.

Y...

Okay, that's it. That's the end.

[CHUCKLES]

- Happy six-month anniversary, babe. - Oh.

- Oh. - Aw.

Oh, that was something else.

- Oh. - I can't wait to see what you got me.

Yeah. Uh, I-I can't wait to give it to you.

Okay! [CHUCKLES]

- Wh-Where is it? - Oh.

Oh, it's-it's so special,

I'm gonna give it to you tonight at dinner.

- I love surprises. - Yeah, me, too.

- Okay. - Yeah, it'll be a...

a real big surprise.

- Yeah. Bye-bye. - Bye.

Oh, crap.

I got her a hat.

Well, don't panic. Was it a nice hat?

I got it at Denny's.

Oh, no, Charlie. Why?

Because I was there when she texted me

that it was our six-month anniversary.

Who celebrates their six-month anniversary anyway?

I mean, I know we're old, but do you have to count every second?

Well, you know what you got to do now, don't you?

Yeah. Fake my own death again.

No, you got to write her a song.

And it better be better than her song

but not so much better that it makes her song look bad.

- I'll help you. Songwriting's easy. - [CHUCKLES]: Oh,

you think songwriting is easy?

Hell yeah.

I wrote an erotic vampire novel, woman.

Songwriting's a piece of cake.

Charlie, you want to stay with Kathleen, right?

- I do. - Well, then

I would highly advise you

against this particular collaboration.

This is not Hall & Oates.

This is all Oates.

So you saying we can't write a romantic song?

I'm saying you guys have seven divorces

between the two of you.

Yeah, that means we got seven women to marry us.

Okay, well, I, being a woman, understand women.

Not only that but I had a professional songwriting career.

- So I should help. - SID: Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, today

is gonna be the very best day of my life.

Oh, is J.Crew finally selling boy sizes?

J.Crew?

Please, honey, what am I, a youth pastor?

Guess who is signing autographs

at the convention center.

The cutest teen idol

of the early fall of 1969.

Charles Manson?

No! Not Charles Manson.

Kip Samgood.

Kip Samgood?

He is a son of a bitch.

He's the whole reason my music career never took off.

You know Kip Samgood?

You shut your damn mouth.

Tell me everything.

I only wrote his biggest song.

[CHUCKLES]: Oh, please, Margaret.

You wrote "Bellbottom of My Heart"?

I most certainly did.

And I was performing it in clubs

months before it was ever on his album.

You know what, if you are gonna see that bastard today,

I'm gonna go there.

I'm gonna make him admit that he stole it.

Uh-uh. No, no, no.

You are not gonna mess this up for me.

You are not invited.

This has bothered me for years.

I'm gonna go confront this head-on. I am going.

Margaret. You said you were gonna help us write a song.

Just give her the damn hat.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --

All right, Margaret, now,

please let me tell Kip what he means to me.

I wrote an entire speech.

Okay, but when you're done with him,

I'm gonna rip him a new one.

K-I-P is gonna be R.I.P.

And you were a professional songwriter?

How you doing, buddy? What's your name?

Hi. Kip, my name is Sidney, uh, Delacroix,

and I have waited 50 years to read you this letter.

"Dear Kip,

"As a lonely little gay boy growing up in Tex... "

- Here's your tambourine. - Yeah, but I didn't get

- to finish my speech. - Next!

Step aside, sir.

- My turn. - Yeah, well, please,

Margaret, I didn't get to finish my speech.

Well, hello, hotness.

What are you getting signed today?

Boobs are a two-for-one special.

[LAUGHS]

That's my little joke.

Honestly, Kip, are you gonna pretend

that you don't know who I am?

Listen, if you've got a kid somewhere,

I got snipped in '79.

Court ordered.

It's me, Margaret Flynn.

I wrote "Bellbottom of My Heart."

Oh, my God.

You wrote that?

[SCOFFS] You know damn good and well I wrote it.

You... Wait,

you admit that you stole my song?

No, I didn't steal it.

My record company gave it to me.

But I have spent my entire life wondering who wrote it,

because I know that that person...

was a genius.

A genius? Seriously?

I mean, "genius" is a little strong,

but... I'll allow it.

I was at a party with Paul Simon.

Heard of him?

He told me it was his favorite song of mine.

Now, he may have been high as a kite at the time, but...

he said it.

Say, what do you say

you and I... we go to the greenroom.

I would love to hear more about your process.

I've got oodles of questions

- about it. - Well...

The-the greenroom? I'm still really mad at you,

but I-I guess-I guess I am a little bit hungry.

Well, the spread's amazing.

We've got three kinds of cream cheese.

And we've got wraps!

I love wraps. Let's do it.

Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.

I've only got a plus-one.

Now, I must know more about your work.

Have you written any other songs?

Well, I've written a few. I mean, you know, I...

Margaret, what the hell? Kip!

Please, I can be your plus-one and a half.

Sid, I won't be long. I promise. I won't forget you.

Ugh, Margaret, don't do this to me!

At least read him my letter!

You bitch!

All right, now, look, we don't need Margaret's help

- to write no song about no woman. - No.

'Cause one thing I know is

women don't know what they want.

You take my ex-wife... I thought she wanted me,

but apparently she wanted that big son of a bitch upstairs.

Look, Hank, c-can we not talk about Lorraine right now?

We just do not have the time.

You're right. I'm sorry.

There was a point to it, but all right.

Tell me what kind of song Kathleen wants.

I don't know. Something nice and sweet

about how much I love her.

No, no, no. No, no.

You got to give her something dark.

Not a sweet song. A bad-boy song.

- Mm-hmm. - All right, play me a chord.

- Well... - [PLAYS CHORD]

Moodier.

Um...

[PLAYS MINOR CHORD]

All right, that's it, right there.

[CHUCKLES] Okay.

So, I'm just gonna riff, okay?

'Cause, you know, most great songs are just

basically improvisation anyway.

Kathleen

You gonna cheat on me

Kathleen

You gonna turn the kids on me

Kathleen

You gonna tell them lies

Kathleen

With them cheating eyes

Lorraine!

- Lorraine!

- Wait, wait.

- Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank. - Lor...

Hank,

you're back to talking about your ex-wife again.

Charlie, you can't interrupt me, man, when I was riffing, man.

All this talk about my ex-wife got me agitated.

Look, I'm just gonna sit here and let you sing

and I'm gonna listen.

- All right. - Okay.

Um...

Kathleen

I'm feeling so stressed

Kathleen

I'm feeling duress

Darker.

I killed a man

- In Vietnam.

- All right,

no, no, no, no! That's-that's too dark, that's too dark.

All right, let's scrap the dark stuff.

We need to re-gear.

Now, what are all hit songs about today?

The booty!

It's too crass.

Kathleen was raised Protestant.

How 'bout something...

about technology?

No, that's too nerdy.

I'm afraid you're gonna start singing

about conspiracy theories.

Well, I would've said "conspiracy facts,"

but, yes, that is where I was headed.

You know what, we need to shake off

all this bad ex-wife energy.

Um, here, play me a chord.

I got something new.

Lorraine! Lorraine!

Lorraine... !

Lorraine.

_

I can't believe I spent all those years thinking

that you stole my song,

and you had nothing to do with it.

I used to fantasize about killing you.

[CHUCKLES] A lot.

- [CHUCKLES] - Well.

That's champagne under the bridge now, baby.

- [CHUCKLES] - Say, speaking of champagne,

can I, uh, top off your glass?

It's from New York State.

I don't mind if I do.

- [CHUCKLES, SNIFFS] - Mm.

Mmm.

You really can taste the Albany.

Well, come. Sit.

Tell me about your career.

Oh, well, to be perfectly honest, Kip,

my career didn't ever really take off.

I did write a jingle one time

for an adult diaper commercial that I'm pretty ashamed of,

but... [CHUCKLES] other than that,

I only had one real album,

and it was kind of a dud. It was called Carpet.

You wrote Carpet?

I love Carpet.

I used to beg my label,

"Please, let me cover a song from Carpet."

- Really? - Mm.

Which one was your favorite?

Which song was your favorite?

I think "Vacuum" was probably the strongest.

- Oh, it was definitely the strongest. - Hmm.

Oh, gosh, I wish I could hear it now.

I could sing it for you now.

Oh... I would die.

But tragically, we don't have a guitar.

This guy's got a guitar right here.

Oh...

- how wonderful. - [CHUCKLES]

Margaret, just calling you back.

Wasn't sure you got the first 16 messages.

I-I really can't wait to meet Kip.

So call me back.

Uh, it's Sid, by the way.

Delacroix, from Shady Meadows.

I really hate to bother you.

But I'm supposed to be in the greenroom

with Kip and my friend.

Sorry, hoss.

Only VIPs past this point.

Yeah.

Well, I don't normally do this,

but I am... famous.

Super famous.

So I'll just be going in the G.R. now.

That's what we call the greenroom in the biz.

"The biz" being "the business", and by "the business"...

[CLICKS TONGUE] ... we mean show business.

Hold on.

You're famous? For what?

Um...

the Star Wars.

You were in Star Wars?

Uh, yeah.

You know that little robot? R2-D2? [CHUCKLES]

More like R2-Me-2. [CHUCKLES]

It's me. [CHUCKLES]

Prove it. Do the voice.

- Well, I don't think that that's really... - Do it.

Beep. Beep, beep, beep, squeebo.

Furby.

Beep. Ooh. Hee, hee, hee.

No.

[IMITATES SHUTTING DOWN]

Okay, fine.

I really hate admitting this, but I am the little boy

from Home Alone. Does this ring a bell?

I'm Ma-curly Curl-kin

and I'm home alone, y'all.

Aah!

Look, buddy. I'm gonna say this as nice as I can.

Kip Samgood is banging your wife right now.

My wife?

- Yeah. - Ugh. No, no, no.

It's my friend.

And any moment she's gonna realize she left me out here

and come out here to get me.

Vacuum, yeah

[LAUGHS]

HANK: Okay.

Punam, Charlie got to write a song for Kathleen,

but he can't figure out what kind of song she likes.

Now, we reached a compromise, but we just need

a woman's touch to bring it on home.

- All right, Charlie, make it funky. - Okay.

Kathleen

- I'm moody and dark

- Ooh! I like it.

We don't need your thoughts till the end of the song, Punam.

Don't interrupt.

Our cell phones are spies

Elvis Presley's alive

But your Protestant booty still shakes

Robots are putting us in a permanent sleep

Your booty keeps my eyes awake

So, I...

Pretty obvious we're about 90% there.

It is moody, it's sexy...

- Yeah. - ... and it's religiously conservative,

which I indicated in the song when I said the booty was,

um, Protestant.

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

That was a really bad song.

But if you're trying to get your girlfriend to break up with you,

it'll definitely work.

So you're really not gonna let me in there?

It's literally my only job.

This was supposed to be the best day of my life.

It's turning out to be the worst.

It's only a greenroom, man.

I could bring you out a Bagel Bite.

No, you don't understand.

I came down here to get something

off my chest, my heart.

Maybe you can relay to Kip

what I wrote.

I'm gonna read you this letter.

Do you have to?

Yes.

"Dear Kip, as a lonely little gay boy

"growing up in Texas,

"you were my only friend.

"I was constantly bullied but you taught me

it was okay to be myself."

Damn, man. That was deep.

You know, when I was a kid, I got teased.

What'd you get teased for?

My high-pitched voice.

Damn.

Puberty hit you like a truck.

You know what?

Maybe I could help you out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Steam clean my

Dreams.

- [CLAPPING] - [LAUGHS]

Oh, thank you so much.

That was... well, obviously that was

"Steam Clean My Dreams." [LAUGHS]

Hey. It's getting a little crowded in here.

What do you say we go back to my dressing room

uh, for, I don't know, two to four minutes?

Wait, did you just bring me back here to hook up with me?

No.

I wanted to listen to ten crappy songs about rugs.

You lied about even liking my music, didn't you?

Uh-oh. Have I been naughty?

- Mr. Samgood, I have something... - Clancy,

how did he get in here?

- He, uh, overpowered me? - "Dear Kip,

- as a lonely little gay boy... " - Oh,

- growing up in Texas... " - I already signed your tambourine,

didn't I?

Found him. In here.

What the hell are you guys doing here?

- Look, I can admit when I'm wrong. - Yeah.

Actually, I can't. Charlie?

Um... we need help writing a song.

Oh, you came to me. [CHUCKLES]

No, we here for Kip.

Well, wait a minute.

I am the one who wrote the biggest...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mr. Samgood.

Um, I'm in a pinch.

I need a love song

and I need it fast.

Oh, my God.

Okay, first things first.

Clancy, you're clearly fired.

And you... you're just another one of my deranged loser fans.

And I'm tired of looking at you.

Go away.

And you two... I don't know who you are,

but I can't write you a song

because I don't write music.

The whole thing was fake, okay?

You mean your songs were not real?

None of it was real.

Even my name is fake.

You know what my real name is? Greg Napkin.

Well, I can see why they changed that.

You know what?

I can't even believe I fell for your crap.

I should sue you over "Bell Bottom of My Heart."

Well, I don't have any money. I bet big on Betamax.

Sid, come on.

I'm sorry I ditched you. Charlie,

I will write you a love song. Let's go.

Hank, go easy on the Bagel Bites.

Say what? Woman, you can't tell me what to do.

Hey.

And as for you, Napkin,

I may have written "Vacuum",

but you suck.

Oh, Sid.

I'm so sorry I abandoned you.

I, uh, I got a little carried away.

- Oh, honey, I forgive you. - [CHUCKLES]

I still can't believe

that Kip was a fake.

But on the bright side, I guess, I made a new friend.

Clancy and I are going to a Lil Wayne concert tomorrow.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh. Here they come.

I'm so excited to see Charlie

perform the song I wrote for Kathleen.

- Kathleen, have a seat. - Okay.

I've got something I want to say to you.

Hank, can I have my guitar?

- Here it is. Okay. - Thank you.

Okay, darling. This is for you.

Sometimes folks can let you down

Sometimes they do you wrong

Like the wife who banged the football star

And the jerk that steals your song

Your hero can be a zero

But even worse than that

Is when your six-month boyfriend

Buys you a Denny's hat.

Here.

Oh.

- I know... - I love it.

This is where we had our first date.

Oh. Well, yeah, that-that's why I did it. [CHUCKLES]

- I love it. - [CHUCKLES]

I just love you so. Let's go get that dinner.

Okay. Oh, I just can't wait to see what you get

for our seven-month anniversary.

Damn it.

Their first date was at Denny's?

I'm working way too hard

on my relationship.

Hey, Punam.

You know, riffing with Charlie the other day...

that really lit a fire in me.

But compromising with him

was really dragging me down, so I want to know

what you think of my songwriting abilities untethered.

Great, let's hear it.

All right, give me a beat.

[BEATBOXING]

Big ass booty up in the sky

Like a vampire in the night

Sliding upstairs like she don't care

That she's messing up my life

- She's messing up my life

- Up my life

BOTH: She's messing up my life

She's messing up my life

She's messing up my life

Hank, I got to stop you right there.

That song is amazing.

I knew it. [CHUCKLES]

Songwriting is easy.

Lorraine

Lorraine!

Lorraine.

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