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1
00:00:07,344 --> 00:00:08,827
- I'll be back late
Friday night.
2
00:00:08,896 --> 00:00:10,896
I'm sorry I'll miss the
Teacher Appreciation Awards.
3
00:00:10,965 --> 00:00:12,103
- Oh, no worries.
4
00:00:12,172 --> 00:00:13,793
Enjoy your
animal rescue convention.
5
00:00:13,862 --> 00:00:16,896
Tell everyone in Milwaukee
I saw hi.
6
00:00:16,965 --> 00:00:19,344
Not everyone, but at least
the people on the plane
7
00:00:19,413 --> 00:00:23,068
and in the hotel.
8
00:00:23,137 --> 00:00:25,172
- Love you guys.
- Love you too.
9
00:00:25,241 --> 00:00:27,068
- Keep him out of trouble.
10
00:00:27,137 --> 00:00:32,620
[gentle music]
11
00:00:32,689 --> 00:00:34,482
- When the dad cat's away,
the mice will play.
12
00:00:34,551 --> 00:00:36,482
Know what I mean?
13
00:00:36,551 --> 00:00:38,586
So I brought "Jurassic Park,"
"Alien,"
14
00:00:38,655 --> 00:00:41,000
"Back to the Future
I, II and III,"
15
00:00:41,068 --> 00:00:43,206
and "Baby Geniuses."
16
00:00:43,275 --> 00:00:44,689
But that one's just for me.
17
00:00:44,758 --> 00:00:46,862
- Cool, but I have
a math test tomorrow.
18
00:00:46,931 --> 00:00:49,241
- Oh, don't worry. I'll quiz
you on the way to school.
19
00:00:52,310 --> 00:00:54,034
Look at us.
20
00:00:54,103 --> 00:00:58,896
We're two wild and crazy guys!
21
00:00:58,965 --> 00:01:01,793
Christopher Walken.
22
00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:03,620
[rock music]
23
00:01:03,689 --> 00:01:05,896
- ♪ Teachers ♪
24
00:01:05,965 --> 00:01:07,517
♪ Oh ♪
25
00:01:07,586 --> 00:01:09,931
- So Kyle and I are making our
celebrity free pass list.
26
00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:12,862
So far I have Mark McGrath
and Carson Daly.
27
00:01:12,931 --> 00:01:14,034
Who am I missing?
28
00:01:14,103 --> 00:01:15,310
- Joey Lawrence?
29
00:01:15,379 --> 00:01:16,827
- Ah, ooh, that's good!
30
00:01:16,896 --> 00:01:19,551
- Or any other sad douche
who peaked in the '90s.
31
00:01:19,620 --> 00:01:21,103
- Mavis, where are the staples?
32
00:01:21,172 --> 00:01:22,413
- Don't have any.
33
00:01:22,482 --> 00:01:24,448
- [sighs]
- Think the copier's broken.
34
00:01:24,517 --> 00:01:26,241
- No, it isn't.
We just ran out of paper.
35
00:01:26,310 --> 00:01:27,931
- How do we not have
any paperclips?
36
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,551
- Mavis, the light's out
in the faculty bathroom.
37
00:01:29,620 --> 00:01:30,793
Do we have any new bulbs?
38
00:01:30,862 --> 00:01:32,344
- No, but I know
you have a match.
39
00:01:32,413 --> 00:01:34,000
I've been in there after you.
40
00:01:34,068 --> 00:01:36,103
- I just want to attach
one piece of paper
41
00:01:36,172 --> 00:01:37,551
to another piece of paper.
42
00:01:37,620 --> 00:01:39,379
It shouldn't be that hard.
What is going on?
43
00:01:39,448 --> 00:01:41,000
- An inadequate budget.
44
00:01:41,068 --> 00:01:43,103
I'm sorry, we're S.O.L.
45
00:01:43,172 --> 00:01:44,275
If you guys need supplies,
46
00:01:44,344 --> 00:01:45,724
you're gonna have
to get creative.
47
00:01:45,793 --> 00:01:48,620
- So what am I supposed to do
about the paper?
48
00:01:48,689 --> 00:01:51,310
- Here, this is
technically paper.
49
00:01:51,379 --> 00:01:52,896
Use this.
50
00:01:56,344 --> 00:01:58,827
- It's too big, Mavis!
51
00:01:58,896 --> 00:02:02,862
[rock music]
52
00:02:02,931 --> 00:02:04,000
[flatulence]
53
00:02:04,068 --> 00:02:06,448
Jada, please keep
your IBS in check.
54
00:02:06,517 --> 00:02:09,517
People are taking a test.
55
00:02:14,517 --> 00:02:15,620
Blake, wake up!
56
00:02:15,689 --> 00:02:16,965
- I wasn't doing anything.
57
00:02:17,034 --> 00:02:18,551
- [gasps]
58
00:02:18,620 --> 00:02:19,793
You were cheating?
59
00:02:19,862 --> 00:02:21,413
- No, I was sleeping,
like you said.
60
00:02:21,482 --> 00:02:23,551
- Nobody cheats on me!
61
00:02:23,620 --> 00:02:25,137
That sounded weird,
but you know what I mean.
62
00:02:25,206 --> 00:02:26,413
You're a liar!
63
00:02:26,482 --> 00:02:28,344
I'm calling your father.
64
00:02:28,413 --> 00:02:29,931
♪ ♪
65
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:31,586
- You do it for
the tee-ball league.
66
00:02:31,655 --> 00:02:33,689
Consider it a similar type
of sponsorship.
67
00:02:33,758 --> 00:02:36,034
You provide supplies
for my students,
68
00:02:36,103 --> 00:02:40,137
and in exchange I promise
your business in my classroom.
69
00:02:40,206 --> 00:02:43,827
I'm also highly connected
to major influencers.
70
00:02:43,896 --> 00:02:47,344
One of my student's parents
is a tour guide a Navy Pier.
71
00:02:47,413 --> 00:02:49,724
And another one
is Mike Dikta's niece.
72
00:02:49,793 --> 00:02:52,137
- Whoa-oh-oh-oh.
You shoulda led with Ditka.
73
00:02:52,206 --> 00:02:53,620
Deal.
74
00:02:53,689 --> 00:02:55,517
- Thank you. My students
can't thank you enough.
75
00:02:55,586 --> 00:02:57,655
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lorenzo,
what are you doing to me?
76
00:02:57,724 --> 00:02:59,689
You're killing me
with all these pepperonis.
77
00:02:59,758 --> 00:03:03,517
I keep telling you,
four pepperonis per slice.
78
00:03:03,586 --> 00:03:06,275
There's eight slices.
What does that equal?
79
00:03:06,344 --> 00:03:09,655
48 pepperonis.
80
00:03:09,724 --> 00:03:10,724
Oh, boy.
81
00:03:10,793 --> 00:03:12,689
Sometimes I wonder
if these morons
82
00:03:12,758 --> 00:03:15,000
can even open an oven door
by themselves.
83
00:03:15,068 --> 00:03:16,344
- [strained laugh]
84
00:03:16,413 --> 00:03:18,379
- So my people will drop
a detailed contract,
85
00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:20,275
including branding guidelines,
86
00:03:20,344 --> 00:03:23,724
and I'm looking forward to
seeing your students graduate
87
00:03:23,793 --> 00:03:26,206
with the Saucy Lawrence logo
88
00:03:26,275 --> 00:03:27,551
printed on their
caps and gowns.
89
00:03:27,620 --> 00:03:30,206
- [laughs] Yes.
90
00:03:30,275 --> 00:03:31,379
- I'm dead serious.
91
00:03:31,448 --> 00:03:33,206
- Oh.
92
00:03:33,275 --> 00:03:34,448
You got it.
93
00:03:34,517 --> 00:03:35,965
[rock music]
94
00:03:36,034 --> 00:03:38,275
- So am I supposed to treat
you like a parent?
95
00:03:38,344 --> 00:03:40,758
- I am a parent.
Sort of.
96
00:03:40,827 --> 00:03:42,172
I can't believe he cheated.
97
00:03:42,241 --> 00:03:43,517
We were all so proud of him
98
00:03:43,586 --> 00:03:45,000
for making it
to the third grade.
99
00:03:45,068 --> 00:03:47,310
- Just in time for
his moustache to come in.
100
00:03:47,379 --> 00:03:48,551
- It's my fault.
101
00:03:48,620 --> 00:03:51,000
I was trying to be
a cool stepmom.
102
00:03:51,068 --> 00:03:54,379
I told him he could watch
movies instead of studying.
103
00:03:54,448 --> 00:03:56,275
Can you let him off the hook?
104
00:03:56,344 --> 00:03:57,517
- You know I can't, girl.
105
00:03:57,586 --> 00:03:58,965
If I do,
it'll set a bad example.
106
00:03:59,034 --> 00:04:00,758
It would be like
if I ate ice cream
107
00:04:00,827 --> 00:04:02,620
in front of a woman
who's a size six.
108
00:04:02,689 --> 00:04:04,827
- Just this one time, please?
109
00:04:04,896 --> 00:04:06,689
- Sorry, I have
to give him detention.
110
00:04:06,758 --> 00:04:09,724
- How am I gonna explain this
to his dad?
111
00:04:09,793 --> 00:04:11,586
- Just give him a blowjob
when he gets back
112
00:04:11,655 --> 00:04:12,827
and casually
break the news to him
113
00:04:12,896 --> 00:04:14,137
right before
he falls asleep.
114
00:04:14,206 --> 00:04:15,965
That's how I told
the last guy I dated
115
00:04:16,034 --> 00:04:19,517
that I racked up 5 Gs
on his credit card at Express.
116
00:04:19,586 --> 00:04:22,448
Dude didn't bat an eye.
117
00:04:22,517 --> 00:04:24,275
But he did bust a nut.
118
00:04:24,344 --> 00:04:28,103
- And as you write your answers
with your new pencils
119
00:04:28,172 --> 00:04:31,310
in your new notebooks,
remember to thank...
120
00:04:31,379 --> 00:04:32,827
[blows note]
121
00:04:32,896 --> 00:04:36,344
all: ♪ The guy who shows
pizza who's bossy ♪
122
00:04:36,413 --> 00:04:39,034
♪ It's Saucy Lawrence ♪
123
00:04:39,103 --> 00:04:42,620
- Now let's put on
our thinking caps
124
00:04:42,689 --> 00:04:46,000
and slice our way
into long division.
125
00:04:46,068 --> 00:04:50,827
If Saucy Lawrence charges
39.96 for...
126
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:57,758
four pineapple and ham
stuffed-crust pizzas,
127
00:04:57,827 --> 00:04:59,655
how much does each pizza cost
128
00:04:59,724 --> 00:05:03,034
during the Simmer Summer
Super Sale?
129
00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:05,551
- Why do we keep talking
about pizza?
130
00:05:05,620 --> 00:05:08,068
- I'm not talking
about pizza, Rhett.
131
00:05:08,137 --> 00:05:09,965
I'm integrating pizza
132
00:05:10,034 --> 00:05:15,448
in a totally natural
and non-invasive way.
133
00:05:15,517 --> 00:05:16,931
[rock music]
134
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,620
So I now have more pencils,
pens and markers
135
00:05:19,689 --> 00:05:21,068
than I know that do to with.
136
00:05:21,137 --> 00:05:23,206
My hair constantly smells
like pepperoni,
137
00:05:23,275 --> 00:05:26,172
but, hey, beggars
can't be choosers.
138
00:05:26,241 --> 00:05:28,448
- Damn, I need to get
hooked up like that.
139
00:05:28,517 --> 00:05:29,827
- Seriously.
140
00:05:29,896 --> 00:05:31,172
- Well, find your own
sugar daddies,
141
00:05:31,241 --> 00:05:35,000
because Saucy Lawrence
is taken.
142
00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:37,103
- Hey, wait, Deb,
143
00:05:37,172 --> 00:05:39,689
do you think Vegan Vinny's
would ever sponsor me?
144
00:05:39,758 --> 00:05:41,137
- [groaning]
145
00:05:41,206 --> 00:05:43,965
- Blake, Gideon,
what are you doing?
146
00:05:45,275 --> 00:05:47,206
What's this?
147
00:05:47,275 --> 00:05:51,379
[scoffs] Are you stealing
Davey's homework?
148
00:05:51,448 --> 00:05:54,551
I'm calling both
of your parents.
149
00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:56,896
- This is my second
conference this week.
150
00:05:56,965 --> 00:05:59,241
I'm clearly failing
as a stepmom.
151
00:05:59,310 --> 00:06:01,275
- No, you're not. Listen,
I'm in here all the time.
152
00:06:01,344 --> 00:06:03,379
You just gotta know
how to handle these teachers.
153
00:06:03,448 --> 00:06:06,034
All right, everything
they say is a suggestion.
154
00:06:06,103 --> 00:06:07,724
So when it comes
to our children,
155
00:06:07,793 --> 00:06:09,862
we need to tell them
what to do.
156
00:06:09,931 --> 00:06:13,206
- Hi, Mary Louise. Hello, Paul.
Nice to see you again.
157
00:06:13,275 --> 00:06:14,965
- Let's just get this
over with.
158
00:06:15,034 --> 00:06:16,344
- Okay.
159
00:06:16,413 --> 00:06:18,103
Well, I caught Gideon
160
00:06:18,172 --> 00:06:20,206
and Blake stealing
another student's homework,
161
00:06:20,275 --> 00:06:22,793
so I'm going to have
to give them both detention.
162
00:06:22,862 --> 00:06:24,172
- Blake's already
had detention once--
163
00:06:24,241 --> 00:06:25,655
- I got this.
What evidence do you have
164
00:06:25,724 --> 00:06:26,931
of this alleged theft?
165
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:28,931
- My eyes,
and it's not alleged.
166
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,448
I asked them if they did it,
and they both said yes.
167
00:06:31,517 --> 00:06:33,068
- Is there video footage?
168
00:06:33,137 --> 00:06:35,034
- No.
- Photos? Fingerprints?
169
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:36,896
- This is
an elementary school.
170
00:06:36,965 --> 00:06:38,965
- Okay, so what you're telling
me is that you have no case.
171
00:06:39,034 --> 00:06:40,586
- We get it, Paul.
You're an attorney.
172
00:06:40,655 --> 00:06:42,517
- Yes, I am,
and if you're going to accuse
173
00:06:42,586 --> 00:06:45,413
our children of something
as iniquitous as theft,
174
00:06:45,482 --> 00:06:47,275
I'm gonna expect proof.
175
00:06:47,344 --> 00:06:48,827
- [scoffs]
176
00:06:48,896 --> 00:06:50,689
Are you gonna help me out here?
177
00:06:50,758 --> 00:06:53,586
[tense music]
178
00:06:53,655 --> 00:06:55,241
♪ ♪
179
00:06:55,310 --> 00:06:58,241
- I'm sorry, Caroline,
but if there's no evidence...
180
00:06:58,310 --> 00:07:01,310
- This has been a colossal
waste of my time.
181
00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:03,068
You're lucky I don't
bill you for this.
182
00:07:03,137 --> 00:07:04,620
- Really, Mary Louise, I--
183
00:07:04,689 --> 00:07:06,586
- In 25 short days,
184
00:07:06,655 --> 00:07:08,344
that boy will be my son.
185
00:07:08,413 --> 00:07:13,034
If you come for my almost-son,
you better have proof.
186
00:07:24,310 --> 00:07:25,655
- Nice work yesterday.
187
00:07:25,724 --> 00:07:27,068
I didn't think
you had it in you.
188
00:07:27,137 --> 00:07:29,172
- This whole stepmom thing
is turning out
189
00:07:29,241 --> 00:07:31,000
to be a lot harder
than I thought.
190
00:07:31,068 --> 00:07:32,379
- Oh, you'll get
the hang of it.
191
00:07:32,448 --> 00:07:33,758
Blake's a good kid,
192
00:07:33,827 --> 00:07:35,896
and if he's acting out,
that's not your fault.
193
00:07:35,965 --> 00:07:39,275
It's these teachers.
They're all hacks.
194
00:07:39,344 --> 00:07:40,517
No offense, but...
195
00:07:40,586 --> 00:07:41,931
- Well, I don't think
that's true.
196
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:43,586
- No, no, it is.
Yeah, yeah.
197
00:07:43,655 --> 00:07:44,965
I can tell
you're a good parent
198
00:07:45,034 --> 00:07:46,965
and just want
what's best for Blake.
199
00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:50,689
But if you don't demand it,
no one will.
200
00:07:52,275 --> 00:07:55,344
- Now remember, you
are homeless children
201
00:07:55,413 --> 00:07:56,896
living on the streets.
202
00:07:56,965 --> 00:07:58,206
Website's up and running.
203
00:07:58,275 --> 00:07:59,689
These are gonna sell
like hotcakes.
204
00:07:59,758 --> 00:08:01,103
- What do homeless
people paint?
205
00:08:01,172 --> 00:08:03,344
- Public bathrooms
with their feces.
206
00:08:03,413 --> 00:08:04,724
But don't worry about that.
207
00:08:04,793 --> 00:08:06,172
Just think hungry thoughts
while you paint,
208
00:08:06,241 --> 00:08:08,517
and we'll be able to buy
construction paper.
209
00:08:08,586 --> 00:08:12,137
A rainbow, George?
Think darker, kid.
210
00:08:12,206 --> 00:08:13,310
[rock music]
211
00:08:13,379 --> 00:08:15,172
- Guess who's got paper.
212
00:08:15,241 --> 00:08:17,379
- Good for you, girl,
but you look pale as hell.
213
00:08:17,448 --> 00:08:19,620
- That's because
I've been donating plasma
214
00:08:19,689 --> 00:08:21,137
for school supplies.
215
00:08:21,206 --> 00:08:23,000
I've already hit up
four clinics today.
216
00:08:23,068 --> 00:08:25,310
- That's great, and I can
finally afford my markers.
217
00:08:25,379 --> 00:08:27,448
I don't have to do
imagination coloring anymore.
218
00:08:27,517 --> 00:08:28,827
Life is good.
219
00:08:28,896 --> 00:08:30,586
- Yeah, plasma's
a renewable resource,
220
00:08:30,655 --> 00:08:33,206
so these veins are gonna
keep me stocked with supplies
221
00:08:33,275 --> 00:08:34,862
for the rest
of the school year.
222
00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:36,724
- I need to think of something
that I can sell.
223
00:08:36,793 --> 00:08:38,724
My most valuable asset
is my hot body.
224
00:08:38,793 --> 00:08:40,758
Ugh, I wish I could sell that.
225
00:08:40,827 --> 00:08:43,310
- You can, dumbass.
It's called prostitution.
226
00:08:43,379 --> 00:08:44,793
- [gasps]
227
00:08:44,862 --> 00:08:46,482
- I need to talk to all of you
about Blake.
228
00:08:46,551 --> 00:08:48,724
It's come to my attention that
you're all a bunch of hacks.
229
00:08:48,793 --> 00:08:50,827
It's not Blake's fault
he's acting out.
230
00:08:50,896 --> 00:08:52,310
It's all of yours.
231
00:08:52,379 --> 00:08:53,586
- Say what?
232
00:08:53,655 --> 00:08:55,482
- Yeah, Chelsea,
you're his teacher,
233
00:08:55,551 --> 00:08:58,241
and if you were actually giving
my future stepson
234
00:08:58,310 --> 00:09:00,206
the one-on-one attention
he deserves,
235
00:09:00,275 --> 00:09:02,862
he wouldn't have had
detention twice this week.
236
00:09:02,931 --> 00:09:04,931
- Don't be ridiculous,
Mary Louise.
237
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:07,793
You're a teacher.
You know that's not true.
238
00:09:07,862 --> 00:09:09,241
- Yeah, dude,
don't be that parent.
239
00:09:09,310 --> 00:09:12,137
- Well, I am
that parent now, Debra.
240
00:09:12,206 --> 00:09:15,931
So you all better adjust
or suffer the consequences.
241
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:19,448
[tense music]
242
00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:21,068
- That was weird.
- I know.
243
00:09:21,137 --> 00:09:23,689
She called you the wrong name.
244
00:09:23,758 --> 00:09:26,137
- Debra's my full name.
245
00:09:26,206 --> 00:09:29,137
- [chuckles]
Deb is short for Debra?
246
00:09:29,206 --> 00:09:30,793
Eww.
247
00:09:30,862 --> 00:09:32,689
[rock music]
248
00:09:32,758 --> 00:09:34,103
- We're open seven days a week
249
00:09:34,172 --> 00:09:35,793
from 11:00 a.m. to 2:00 a.m.
250
00:09:35,862 --> 00:09:41,517
For delivery, please call
773-555-0172.
251
00:09:41,586 --> 00:09:43,517
- Great.
252
00:09:43,586 --> 00:09:47,655
Now what do you think
the author is really saying?
253
00:09:47,724 --> 00:09:49,758
- The store's hours
and phone number.
254
00:09:49,827 --> 00:09:52,344
- Very good!
255
00:09:52,413 --> 00:09:54,379
Hey!
256
00:09:54,448 --> 00:09:56,241
If it isn't
the godfather himself.
257
00:09:56,310 --> 00:09:58,655
- You are legally bound
to not mention
258
00:09:58,724 --> 00:10:00,586
any other franchises, Deb.
259
00:10:00,655 --> 00:10:02,172
- Right, sorry.
260
00:10:02,241 --> 00:10:05,034
- I thought I'd stop by
to check out my sponsorship.
261
00:10:05,103 --> 00:10:07,206
Do you mind if I observe?
- No, not at all.
262
00:10:07,275 --> 00:10:10,034
- Excellent,
and I also brought you this.
263
00:10:10,103 --> 00:10:14,137
It just came in and I thought
you might want to try it on.
264
00:10:14,206 --> 00:10:15,931
- No.
No way.
265
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,689
I just lost
all the baby weight.
266
00:10:18,758 --> 00:10:20,793
- That's too bad,
267
00:10:20,862 --> 00:10:22,931
'cause I thought
if you wore this costume,
268
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:24,689
then I could spring
for a smartboard.
269
00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:25,793
But, oh well.
270
00:10:25,862 --> 00:10:27,551
- I assume I can wear leggings?
271
00:10:27,620 --> 00:10:31,448
[rock music]
272
00:10:31,517 --> 00:10:33,931
- Wow, it's busy tonight.
273
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,448
Are we finally voting
on my teachers' lounge
274
00:10:35,517 --> 00:10:36,896
tanning bed proposal?
275
00:10:36,965 --> 00:10:38,586
- No, parents are here
to tell the council
276
00:10:38,655 --> 00:10:40,172
how Fillmore can improve.
277
00:10:40,241 --> 00:10:42,448
- Ah, thank God. We could
really use the support.
278
00:10:42,517 --> 00:10:44,379
- Uh-huh.
279
00:10:45,517 --> 00:10:48,620
- Our first order of business
is an emergency proposal
280
00:10:48,689 --> 00:10:50,413
by Paul Ballinger.
281
00:10:50,482 --> 00:10:53,034
- The teachers at Fillmore
are out of control.
282
00:10:53,103 --> 00:10:55,310
We've had multiple reports
of a teacher taking
283
00:10:55,379 --> 00:10:59,344
unauthorized field trips
to plasma clinics.
284
00:10:59,413 --> 00:11:03,241
Another centering all of her
lesson plans around pizza.
285
00:11:03,310 --> 00:11:05,413
- And one of the teachers
is selling my child's artwork
286
00:11:05,482 --> 00:11:06,965
online for cash!
287
00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:08,344
This is our house.
288
00:11:08,413 --> 00:11:10,551
Someone could find out
where we live.
289
00:11:10,620 --> 00:11:11,689
- Things need to change.
290
00:11:11,758 --> 00:11:14,000
- Hear, hear!
- [gasps]
291
00:11:14,068 --> 00:11:16,241
- Fellow parent
Mary Louise Bennigan and I
292
00:11:16,310 --> 00:11:18,896
have come up with
a proposed list of demands.
293
00:11:18,965 --> 00:11:21,862
Teachers will offer
ten office hours per week
294
00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:23,827
outside of school hours.
295
00:11:23,896 --> 00:11:26,517
They will send home
daily progress reports.
296
00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:30,206
They will be available anytime
for updates via phone.
297
00:11:30,275 --> 00:11:32,965
They will also be required
to administer 15 minutes
298
00:11:33,034 --> 00:11:37,379
of one-on-one time
for each student every day.
299
00:11:37,448 --> 00:11:39,655
[applause]
300
00:11:39,724 --> 00:11:40,965
- You can't do this!
301
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:43,275
- Teachers need
to learn to care.
302
00:11:43,344 --> 00:11:46,344
both: Teachers need
to learn to care!
303
00:11:46,413 --> 00:11:48,931
all: Teachers need
to learn to care!
304
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,758
Teachers need to learn to care!
305
00:11:50,827 --> 00:11:54,068
- You're a teacher, dildo!
You need to learn to care too.
306
00:11:54,137 --> 00:11:56,862
- Everyone looks to be
in favor of Paul's motion.
307
00:11:56,931 --> 00:11:58,448
So passed!
308
00:11:58,517 --> 00:12:01,655
New teacher requirements
are effective immediately.
309
00:12:01,724 --> 00:12:04,448
[applause]
310
00:12:08,620 --> 00:12:10,034
- Quickly people!
311
00:12:10,103 --> 00:12:12,758
I don't know how we are
gonna do all this!
312
00:12:12,827 --> 00:12:14,482
- I, for one, am excited.
313
00:12:14,551 --> 00:12:16,517
We're gonna have so much fun.
314
00:12:16,586 --> 00:12:19,172
- I just need a little
espresso and 15 more minutes
315
00:12:19,241 --> 00:12:21,413
to complete your daily
progress reports.
316
00:12:21,482 --> 00:12:24,172
Then we can move on to the
Declaration of Independence.
317
00:12:24,241 --> 00:12:26,448
- Deb?
318
00:12:26,517 --> 00:12:28,965
- Which would
have been much better
319
00:12:29,034 --> 00:12:31,068
if Thomas Jefferson
had been eating
320
00:12:31,137 --> 00:12:33,482
a Saucy Lawrence
sausage pizza.
321
00:12:33,551 --> 00:12:34,586
[phone rings]
322
00:12:34,655 --> 00:12:35,689
- Hi, Mr. Murphy.
323
00:12:35,758 --> 00:12:37,965
Yes, Peter's doing well.
324
00:12:38,034 --> 00:12:39,689
No, I don't think
Peter's cold.
325
00:12:39,758 --> 00:12:40,931
Peter, are you cold?
326
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:42,551
Okay, yes, Peter's cold.
327
00:12:42,620 --> 00:12:44,275
I'll give him my jacket,
328
00:12:44,344 --> 00:12:46,620
but, yeah, I do need
to get back to teaching.
329
00:12:46,689 --> 00:12:48,482
- So what is 12 times 12?
330
00:12:48,551 --> 00:12:49,965
- I don't know.
331
00:12:50,034 --> 00:12:52,517
Are you gonna do anything
about that?
332
00:12:52,586 --> 00:12:54,206
[rhythmic clapping]
333
00:12:54,275 --> 00:12:56,965
- No, because
this is your time.
334
00:12:57,034 --> 00:12:59,413
[rock music]
335
00:12:59,482 --> 00:13:02,241
- [groans]
336
00:13:02,310 --> 00:13:09,310
♪ ♪
337
00:13:12,827 --> 00:13:14,413
- [gasps]
338
00:13:14,482 --> 00:13:16,896
♪ ♪
339
00:13:16,965 --> 00:13:18,448
[line beeping]
- Hold on.
340
00:13:18,517 --> 00:13:19,551
I have another call.
341
00:13:19,620 --> 00:13:21,896
[rhythmic clapping]
342
00:13:21,965 --> 00:13:23,413
[phone rings]
343
00:13:23,482 --> 00:13:25,137
- 'Cause your son is able
to wipe his own heinie.
344
00:13:25,206 --> 00:13:26,862
I don't need to
go in there with him.
345
00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:28,448
- And so it was
346
00:13:28,517 --> 00:13:30,448
the Emancipation Proclamation
that made--
347
00:13:30,517 --> 00:13:33,482
- Deb, why am I paying
good money for a costume
348
00:13:33,551 --> 00:13:35,379
if you're just gonna
sit behind your desk?
349
00:13:35,448 --> 00:13:38,034
I want to see the whole pie.
Stand up.
350
00:13:38,103 --> 00:13:40,241
- Okay, that's it!
[groans]
351
00:13:40,310 --> 00:13:41,413
[phone rings]
352
00:13:41,482 --> 00:13:43,137
- What do you need
help with, Nicholas?
353
00:13:43,206 --> 00:13:46,034
- Nothing. My mom just needed
to drop me off early
354
00:13:46,103 --> 00:13:47,931
[in slow-motion]
so she could go to Starbucks
355
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,448
and not be late for work.
356
00:13:50,517 --> 00:13:53,000
- [screams]
357
00:13:53,068 --> 00:13:56,413
♪ ♪
358
00:13:56,482 --> 00:13:58,137
- Everything hurts.
359
00:13:58,206 --> 00:14:00,068
- I fell asleep
on the way home last night
360
00:14:00,137 --> 00:14:02,068
and almost drove
into Lake Michigan.
361
00:14:02,137 --> 00:14:04,482
- Thank God it's
Teacher Appreciation Week.
362
00:14:04,551 --> 00:14:07,068
I could really use
some pampering.
363
00:14:07,137 --> 00:14:09,689
- Remember that year the PTA
got us a manicurist?
364
00:14:09,758 --> 00:14:11,758
- Yes, she was so good.
365
00:14:11,827 --> 00:14:14,034
She drew my family crest
on my nails.
366
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:16,275
- If I don't get
a 90 minute massage soon,
367
00:14:16,344 --> 00:14:18,241
I might die.
368
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:23,931
I'm dead.
369
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,413
- That's our gift?
370
00:14:25,482 --> 00:14:27,551
- This pizza
will haunt me forever.
371
00:14:27,620 --> 00:14:30,172
- I can't believe this.
What are they gonna do
372
00:14:30,241 --> 00:14:32,344
at the Teacher Appreciation
Awards, stone us?
373
00:14:32,413 --> 00:14:34,103
- Maybe it'll be like
"The Handmaid's Tale,"
374
00:14:34,172 --> 00:14:35,517
and we'll have
to stone each other.
375
00:14:35,586 --> 00:14:37,586
Dibs on going first!
376
00:14:37,655 --> 00:14:39,068
- It's okay, guys.
377
00:14:39,137 --> 00:14:41,068
We don't teach
for the capitalist rewards.
378
00:14:41,137 --> 00:14:42,586
We teach for the love.
379
00:14:42,655 --> 00:14:44,620
- You make me sick!
380
00:14:44,689 --> 00:14:46,344
- Okay, no. Stop.
381
00:14:46,413 --> 00:14:48,000
- Ahhhh!
382
00:14:48,896 --> 00:14:50,758
- [yawns]
383
00:14:50,827 --> 00:14:53,172
Hey there, Blake-o.
384
00:14:53,241 --> 00:14:55,206
What's up?
- Nothing.
385
00:14:55,275 --> 00:14:56,965
- Oh, no, is it porn?
386
00:14:57,034 --> 00:14:58,586
I don't know how
to talk to you about that.
387
00:14:58,655 --> 00:15:01,793
All I can say is you gotta
get to know a pizza man
388
00:15:01,862 --> 00:15:05,344
and really trust him for those
kinds of things to happen.
389
00:15:05,413 --> 00:15:06,965
- It's not porn.
390
00:15:07,034 --> 00:15:08,482
- Thank goodness.
391
00:15:08,551 --> 00:15:10,586
- [sighs]
392
00:15:12,137 --> 00:15:14,103
- An answer key.
393
00:15:14,172 --> 00:15:15,862
Did Ms. Snap give this to you?
394
00:15:15,931 --> 00:15:17,724
- No, I took it from her desk.
395
00:15:17,793 --> 00:15:19,931
- Blake, why?
396
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:22,137
- I'm sorry, I just can't
get held back again.
397
00:15:22,206 --> 00:15:23,965
The other day
I got sent to the office,
398
00:15:24,034 --> 00:15:26,137
and they asked me what class
my child was in.
399
00:15:26,206 --> 00:15:28,862
- You're not gonna get
held back, I promise.
400
00:15:28,931 --> 00:15:30,310
I'll talk to Ms. Snap.
401
00:15:30,379 --> 00:15:31,896
She's obviously
not doing enough for you.
402
00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:34,965
- No, she is.
She always tries to help me.
403
00:15:35,034 --> 00:15:36,482
I just haven't been
studying like I should,
404
00:15:36,551 --> 00:15:39,000
because I wanted to watch
all those movies you brought.
405
00:15:40,655 --> 00:15:42,275
- [sighs]
406
00:15:42,344 --> 00:15:44,724
Cheating isn't the answer.
407
00:15:44,793 --> 00:15:47,206
Okay?
Hard work is.
408
00:15:47,275 --> 00:15:49,172
Let me help you
with this, okay?
409
00:15:49,241 --> 00:15:51,517
And when we're done,
as a special treat,
410
00:15:51,586 --> 00:15:55,551
we can go home and watch
"Baby Geniuses."
411
00:15:55,620 --> 00:15:56,551
[playing flute]
412
00:15:56,620 --> 00:15:58,137
[applause]
413
00:15:58,206 --> 00:16:02,275
- Thank you, Mindy F.,
for that original piece
414
00:16:02,344 --> 00:16:04,241
dedicated to Ms. Cannon,
415
00:16:04,310 --> 00:16:07,862
entitled
"Art Cart in My Heart."
416
00:16:07,931 --> 00:16:10,655
- Thank you, Mindy.
That was sweet.
417
00:16:10,724 --> 00:16:13,172
- For the next Teacher
Appreciation Award,
418
00:16:13,241 --> 00:16:16,827
welcome Rhett G.
from Mrs. Adler's class.
419
00:16:16,896 --> 00:16:19,172
[applause]
420
00:16:19,241 --> 00:16:21,413
- I want to thank our teacher,
Mrs. Adler,
421
00:16:21,482 --> 00:16:24,310
who got us a sponsorship
from Saucy Lawrence.
422
00:16:24,379 --> 00:16:26,482
Hey, we're making pizza here!
423
00:16:26,551 --> 00:16:30,551
So our class could have
almanacs, puzzles,
424
00:16:30,620 --> 00:16:32,379
and an up-to-date atlas.
425
00:16:32,448 --> 00:16:34,655
I'd like to give her
the Most Dedicated Award.
426
00:16:34,724 --> 00:16:36,724
[applause]
427
00:16:36,793 --> 00:16:38,206
- Thank, Rhett, very much you.
428
00:16:38,275 --> 00:16:41,206
I sound like Yoda.
I'm not on drugs, I swear.
429
00:16:41,275 --> 00:16:43,862
I just have had a lot
of caffeine. Adios.
430
00:16:43,931 --> 00:16:45,413
[applause]
431
00:16:45,482 --> 00:16:47,103
- I want to present Ms. Snap
432
00:16:47,172 --> 00:16:49,275
with the Keeps It Fun
by Keeping It Real Award.
433
00:16:49,344 --> 00:16:51,068
She taught us
international geography
434
00:16:51,137 --> 00:16:53,000
by following Eminem's
Revival Tour.
435
00:16:53,068 --> 00:16:55,896
We learned fun facts about
each city he performed in.
436
00:16:55,965 --> 00:16:57,517
Ms. Snap, this is for you.
437
00:16:57,586 --> 00:16:59,172
- [snoring]
438
00:16:59,241 --> 00:17:01,413
- Ms. Snap.
439
00:17:01,482 --> 00:17:02,896
Ms. Snap?
440
00:17:02,965 --> 00:17:05,034
- [snoring]
441
00:17:05,103 --> 00:17:07,413
- [sighs]
442
00:17:07,482 --> 00:17:09,827
- I'd like to give my teacher,
Ms. Watson,
443
00:17:09,896 --> 00:17:11,758
the Blood, Sweat
and Tears Award,
444
00:17:11,827 --> 00:17:15,827
because she literally gave up
all those things for us.
445
00:17:15,896 --> 00:17:18,620
Thanks, Ms. Watson,
for selling your plasma
446
00:17:18,689 --> 00:17:20,620
so we don't have
to share an eraser.
447
00:17:20,689 --> 00:17:23,344
[applause]
448
00:17:25,137 --> 00:17:27,344
- Thank you, Harrison.
449
00:17:28,620 --> 00:17:31,517
[all gasp]
- Where's the school nurse?
450
00:17:31,586 --> 00:17:33,758
- They let her go.
Budget cuts.
451
00:17:33,827 --> 00:17:35,586
- Caroline? Caroline?
452
00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:38,482
- She's probably exhausted
from making false accusations
453
00:17:38,551 --> 00:17:39,827
against students.
454
00:17:39,896 --> 00:17:41,793
- Oh, you wanna know
why she's passed out?
455
00:17:41,862 --> 00:17:44,896
Because our school doesn't
get any funding.
456
00:17:44,965 --> 00:17:48,793
Teachers aren't the problem.
The government is.
457
00:17:51,310 --> 00:17:54,551
If you want your children
to get a better education,
458
00:17:54,620 --> 00:17:56,793
then you need to put pressure
on the school board
459
00:17:56,862 --> 00:17:59,103
so that we get
better financial support.
460
00:17:59,172 --> 00:18:01,689
Not just for our paychecks,
461
00:18:01,758 --> 00:18:04,034
but for your kids.
462
00:18:04,103 --> 00:18:06,689
Help us help our students.
463
00:18:06,758 --> 00:18:09,827
Teacher contract
negotiations are coming up,
464
00:18:09,896 --> 00:18:12,620
and I think it's time
that we join forces
465
00:18:12,689 --> 00:18:15,965
so teachers and students
get the funding they deserve.
466
00:18:16,034 --> 00:18:18,241
[cheers and applause]
467
00:18:23,862 --> 00:18:26,000
I let my desire to be
a good mother get in the way
468
00:18:26,068 --> 00:18:29,482
of sticking with my fellow
teachers and sisters.
469
00:18:29,551 --> 00:18:31,586
I'm sorry.
470
00:18:31,655 --> 00:18:34,034
And, Chelsea...
Chelsea?
471
00:18:34,103 --> 00:18:35,310
- [snoring]
472
00:18:38,241 --> 00:18:40,379
- Listen, if you
expect the teachers
473
00:18:40,448 --> 00:18:41,724
to do more for the students,
474
00:18:41,793 --> 00:18:43,896
they're gonna need
more resources.
475
00:18:43,965 --> 00:18:45,517
- No.
476
00:18:45,586 --> 00:18:48,068
- Then if you're not going
to give us more resources,
477
00:18:48,137 --> 00:18:49,517
we need more support staff.
478
00:18:49,586 --> 00:18:51,965
We're spread too thin.
- No.
479
00:18:52,034 --> 00:18:54,793
- Okay, if you want us to do
all these things ourselves,
480
00:18:54,862 --> 00:18:56,448
then we need to be compensated.
481
00:18:56,517 --> 00:18:57,793
- [chuckles] No.
482
00:18:57,862 --> 00:18:59,827
- So you want us to do
all this extra work
483
00:18:59,896 --> 00:19:02,517
outside of our jobs
and not get paid for it?
484
00:19:02,586 --> 00:19:03,965
- No.
485
00:19:04,034 --> 00:19:05,620
I mean, yes.
486
00:19:05,689 --> 00:19:07,758
I'm just so used
to saying no.
487
00:19:07,827 --> 00:19:11,034
Look, I'm sorry, but things
just aren't going to change
488
00:19:11,103 --> 00:19:12,620
this school year.
489
00:19:12,689 --> 00:19:14,896
You're just gonna have
to learn to live with that.
490
00:19:14,965 --> 00:19:17,413
- Okay, while we're
spitting truths,
491
00:19:17,482 --> 00:19:20,517
your husband kissed me on the
lips at a New Year's Eve party,
492
00:19:20,586 --> 00:19:22,344
and it was longer
than three seconds.
493
00:19:22,413 --> 00:19:24,724
And you're just gonna have
to learn to live with that.
494
00:19:29,896 --> 00:19:33,206
- [clears throat]
Next order of business.
495
00:19:33,275 --> 00:19:36,068
Somebody say something.
496
00:19:36,137 --> 00:19:38,206
- I wanna talk about that more.
497
00:19:41,034 --> 00:19:42,896
[Raphael Lake's
"Teach Ya"]
498
00:19:42,965 --> 00:19:45,137
- ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
499
00:19:45,206 --> 00:19:47,344
♪ La-la-la-la ♪
500
00:19:47,413 --> 00:19:49,793
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
501
00:19:49,862 --> 00:19:51,172
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
502
00:19:51,241 --> 00:19:52,965
♪ I'm gonna teach ya ♪
503
00:19:53,034 --> 00:19:55,275
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
504
00:19:55,344 --> 00:19:57,379
♪ Give what you need ah ♪
505
00:19:57,448 --> 00:19:59,862
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
506
00:19:59,931 --> 00:20:02,758
♪ Said I'm gonna teach ya ♪
507
00:20:03,827 --> 00:20:06,034
- [snoring]
508
00:20:06,084 --> 00:20:10,634
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