Original subtitles

- I'll be back late Friday night.

I'm sorry I'll miss the Teacher Appreciation Awards.

- Oh, no worries.

Enjoy your animal rescue convention.

Tell everyone in Milwaukee I saw hi.

Not everyone, but at least the people on the plane

and in the hotel.

- Love you guys. - Love you too.

- Keep him out of trouble.

[gentle music]

- When the dad cat's away, the mice will play.

Know what I mean?

So I brought "Jurassic Park," "Alien,"

"Back to the Future I, II and III,"

and "Baby Geniuses."

But that one's just for me.

- Cool, but I have a math test tomorrow.

- Oh, don't worry. I'll quiz you on the way to school.

Look at us.

We're two wild and crazy guys!

Christopher Walken.

[rock music]

- ♪ Teachers ♪

♪ Oh ♪

- So Kyle and I are making our celebrity free pass list.

So far I have Mark McGrath and Carson Daly.

Who am I missing?

- Joey Lawrence?

- Ah, ooh, that's good!

- Or any other sad douche who peaked in the '90s.

- Mavis, where are the staples?

- Don't have any.

- [sighs] - Think the copier's broken.

- No, it isn't. We just ran out of paper.

- How do we not have any paperclips?

- Mavis, the light's out in the faculty bathroom.

Do we have any new bulbs?

- No, but I know you have a match.

I've been in there after you.

- I just want to attach one piece of paper

to another piece of paper.

It shouldn't be that hard. What is going on?

- An inadequate budget.

I'm sorry, we're S.O.L.

If you guys need supplies,

you're gonna have to get creative.

- So what am I supposed to do about the paper?

- Here, this is technically paper.

Use this.

- It's too big, Mavis!

[rock music]

[flatulence]

Jada, please keep your IBS in check.

People are taking a test.

Blake, wake up!

- I wasn't doing anything.

- [gasps]

You were cheating?

- No, I was sleeping, like you said.

- Nobody cheats on me!

That sounded weird, but you know what I mean.

You're a liar!

I'm calling your father.

♪ ♪

- You do it for the tee-ball league.

Consider it a similar type of sponsorship.

You provide supplies for my students,

and in exchange I promise your business in my classroom.

I'm also highly connected to major influencers.

One of my student's parents is a tour guide a Navy Pier.

And another one is Mike Dikta's niece.

- Whoa-oh-oh-oh. You shoulda led with Ditka.

Deal.

- Thank you. My students can't thank you enough.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lorenzo, what are you doing to me?

You're killing me with all these pepperonis.

I keep telling you, four pepperonis per slice.

There's eight slices. What does that equal?

48 pepperonis.

Oh, boy.

Sometimes I wonder if these morons

can even open an oven door by themselves.

- [strained laugh]

- So my people will drop a detailed contract,

including branding guidelines,

and I'm looking forward to seeing your students graduate

with the Saucy Lawrence logo

printed on their caps and gowns.

- [laughs] Yes.

- I'm dead serious.

- Oh.

You got it.

[rock music]

- So am I supposed to treat you like a parent?

- I am a parent. Sort of.

I can't believe he cheated.

We were all so proud of him

for making it to the third grade.

- Just in time for his moustache to come in.

- It's my fault.

I was trying to be a cool stepmom.

I told him he could watch movies instead of studying.

Can you let him off the hook?

- You know I can't, girl.

If I do, it'll set a bad example.

It would be like if I ate ice cream

in front of a woman who's a size six.

- Just this one time, please?

- Sorry, I have to give him detention.

- How am I gonna explain this to his dad?

- Just give him a blowjob when he gets back

and casually break the news to him

right before he falls asleep.

That's how I told the last guy I dated

that I racked up 5 Gs on his credit card at Express.

Dude didn't bat an eye.

But he did bust a nut.

- And as you write your answers with your new pencils

in your new notebooks, remember to thank...

[blows note]

all: ♪ The guy who shows pizza who's bossy ♪

♪ It's Saucy Lawrence ♪

- Now let's put on our thinking caps

and slice our way into long division.

If Saucy Lawrence charges 39.96 for...

four pineapple and ham stuffed-crust pizzas,

how much does each pizza cost

during the Simmer Summer Super Sale?

- Why do we keep talking about pizza?

- I'm not talking about pizza, Rhett.

I'm integrating pizza

in a totally natural and non-invasive way.

[rock music]

So I now have more pencils, pens and markers

than I know that do to with.

My hair constantly smells like pepperoni,

but, hey, beggars can't be choosers.

- Damn, I need to get hooked up like that.

- Seriously.

- Well, find your own sugar daddies,

because Saucy Lawrence is taken.

- Hey, wait, Deb,

do you think Vegan Vinny's would ever sponsor me?

- [groaning]

- Blake, Gideon, what are you doing?

What's this?

[scoffs] Are you stealing Davey's homework?

I'm calling both of your parents.

- This is my second conference this week.

I'm clearly failing as a stepmom.

- No, you're not. Listen, I'm in here all the time.

You just gotta know how to handle these teachers.

All right, everything they say is a suggestion.

So when it comes to our children,

we need to tell them what to do.

- Hi, Mary Louise. Hello, Paul. Nice to see you again.

- Let's just get this over with.

- Okay.

Well, I caught Gideon

and Blake stealing another student's homework,

so I'm going to have to give them both detention.

- Blake's already had detention once--

- I got this. What evidence do you have

of this alleged theft?

- My eyes, and it's not alleged.

I asked them if they did it, and they both said yes.

- Is there video footage?

- No. - Photos? Fingerprints?

- This is an elementary school.

- Okay, so what you're telling me is that you have no case.

- We get it, Paul. You're an attorney.

- Yes, I am, and if you're going to accuse

our children of something as iniquitous as theft,

I'm gonna expect proof.

- [scoffs]

Are you gonna help me out here?

[tense music]

♪ ♪

- I'm sorry, Caroline, but if there's no evidence...

- This has been a colossal waste of my time.

You're lucky I don't bill you for this.

- Really, Mary Louise, I--

- In 25 short days,

that boy will be my son.

If you come for my almost-son, you better have proof.

- Nice work yesterday.

I didn't think you had it in you.

- This whole stepmom thing is turning out

to be a lot harder than I thought.

- Oh, you'll get the hang of it.

Blake's a good kid,

and if he's acting out, that's not your fault.

It's these teachers. They're all hacks.

No offense, but...

- Well, I don't think that's true.

- No, no, it is. Yeah, yeah.

I can tell you're a good parent

and just want what's best for Blake.

But if you don't demand it, no one will.

- Now remember, you are homeless children

living on the streets.

Website's up and running.

These are gonna sell like hotcakes.

- What do homeless people paint?

- Public bathrooms with their feces.

But don't worry about that.

Just think hungry thoughts while you paint,

and we'll be able to buy construction paper.

A rainbow, George? Think darker, kid.

[rock music]

- Guess who's got paper.

- Good for you, girl, but you look pale as hell.

- That's because I've been donating plasma

for school supplies.

I've already hit up four clinics today.

- That's great, and I can finally afford my markers.

I don't have to do imagination coloring anymore.

Life is good.

- Yeah, plasma's a renewable resource,

so these veins are gonna keep me stocked with supplies

for the rest of the school year.

- I need to think of something that I can sell.

My most valuable asset is my hot body.

Ugh, I wish I could sell that.

- You can, dumbass. It's called prostitution.

- [gasps]

- I need to talk to all of you about Blake.

It's come to my attention that you're all a bunch of hacks.

It's not Blake's fault he's acting out.

It's all of yours.

- Say what?

- Yeah, Chelsea, you're his teacher,

and if you were actually giving my future stepson

the one-on-one attention he deserves,

he wouldn't have had detention twice this week.

- Don't be ridiculous, Mary Louise.

You're a teacher. You know that's not true.

- Yeah, dude, don't be that parent.

- Well, I am that parent now, Debra.

So you all better adjust or suffer the consequences.

[tense music]

- That was weird. - I know.

She called you the wrong name.

- Debra's my full name.

- [chuckles] Deb is short for Debra?

Eww.

[rock music]

- We're open seven days a week

from 11:00 a.m. to 2:00 a.m.

For delivery, please call 773-555-0172.

- Great.

Now what do you think the author is really saying?

- The store's hours and phone number.

- Very good!

Hey!

If it isn't the godfather himself.

- You are legally bound to not mention

any other franchises, Deb.

- Right, sorry.

- I thought I'd stop by to check out my sponsorship.

Do you mind if I observe? - No, not at all.

- Excellent, and I also brought you this.

It just came in and I thought you might want to try it on.

- No. No way.

I just lost all the baby weight.

- That's too bad,

'cause I thought if you wore this costume,

then I could spring for a smartboard.

But, oh well.

- I assume I can wear leggings?

[rock music]

- Wow, it's busy tonight.

Are we finally voting on my teachers' lounge

tanning bed proposal?

- No, parents are here to tell the council

how Fillmore can improve.

- Ah, thank God. We could really use the support.

- Uh-huh.

- Our first order of business is an emergency proposal

by Paul Ballinger.

- The teachers at Fillmore are out of control.

We've had multiple reports of a teacher taking

unauthorized field trips to plasma clinics.

Another centering all of her lesson plans around pizza.

- And one of the teachers is selling my child's artwork

online for cash!

This is our house.

Someone could find out where we live.

- Things need to change.

- Hear, hear! - [gasps]

- Fellow parent Mary Louise Bennigan and I

have come up with a proposed list of demands.

Teachers will offer ten office hours per week

outside of school hours.

They will send home daily progress reports.

They will be available anytime for updates via phone.

They will also be required to administer 15 minutes

of one-on-one time for each student every day.

[applause]

- You can't do this!

- Teachers need to learn to care.

both: Teachers need to learn to care!

all: Teachers need to learn to care!

Teachers need to learn to care!

- You're a teacher, dildo! You need to learn to care too.

- Everyone looks to be in favor of Paul's motion.

So passed!

New teacher requirements are effective immediately.

[applause]

- Quickly people!

I don't know how we are gonna do all this!

- I, for one, am excited.

We're gonna have so much fun.

- I just need a little espresso and 15 more minutes

to complete your daily progress reports.

Then we can move on to the Declaration of Independence.

- Deb?

- Which would have been much better

if Thomas Jefferson had been eating

a Saucy Lawrence sausage pizza.

[phone rings]

- Hi, Mr. Murphy.

Yes, Peter's doing well.

No, I don't think Peter's cold.

Peter, are you cold?

Okay, yes, Peter's cold.

I'll give him my jacket,

but, yeah, I do need to get back to teaching.

- So what is 12 times 12?

- I don't know.

Are you gonna do anything about that?

[rhythmic clapping]

- No, because this is your time.

[rock music]

- [groans]

♪ ♪

- [gasps]

♪ ♪

[line beeping] - Hold on.

I have another call.

[rhythmic clapping]

[phone rings]

- 'Cause your son is able to wipe his own heinie.

I don't need to go in there with him.

- And so it was

the Emancipation Proclamation that made--

- Deb, why am I paying good money for a costume

if you're just gonna sit behind your desk?

I want to see the whole pie. Stand up.

- Okay, that's it! [groans]

[phone rings]

- What do you need help with, Nicholas?

- Nothing. My mom just needed to drop me off early

[in slow-motion] so she could go to Starbucks

and not be late for work.

- [screams]

♪ ♪

- Everything hurts.

- I fell asleep on the way home last night

and almost drove into Lake Michigan.

- Thank God it's Teacher Appreciation Week.

I could really use some pampering.

- Remember that year the PTA got us a manicurist?

- Yes, she was so good.

She drew my family crest on my nails.

- If I don't get a 90 minute massage soon,

I might die.

I'm dead.

- That's our gift?

- This pizza will haunt me forever.

- I can't believe this. What are they gonna do

at the Teacher Appreciation Awards, stone us?

- Maybe it'll be like "The Handmaid's Tale,"

and we'll have to stone each other.

Dibs on going first!

- It's okay, guys.

We don't teach for the capitalist rewards.

We teach for the love.

- You make me sick!

- Okay, no. Stop.

- Ahhhh!

- [yawns]

Hey there, Blake-o.

What's up? - Nothing.

- Oh, no, is it porn?

I don't know how to talk to you about that.

All I can say is you gotta get to know a pizza man

and really trust him for those kinds of things to happen.

- It's not porn.

- Thank goodness.

- [sighs]

- An answer key.

Did Ms. Snap give this to you?

- No, I took it from her desk.

- Blake, why?

- I'm sorry, I just can't get held back again.

The other day I got sent to the office,

and they asked me what class my child was in.

- You're not gonna get held back, I promise.

I'll talk to Ms. Snap.

She's obviously not doing enough for you.

- No, she is. She always tries to help me.

I just haven't been studying like I should,

because I wanted to watch all those movies you brought.

- [sighs]

Cheating isn't the answer.

Okay? Hard work is.

Let me help you with this, okay?

And when we're done, as a special treat,

we can go home and watch "Baby Geniuses."

[playing flute]

[applause]

- Thank you, Mindy F., for that original piece

dedicated to Ms. Cannon,

entitled "Art Cart in My Heart."

- Thank you, Mindy. That was sweet.

- For the next Teacher Appreciation Award,

welcome Rhett G. from Mrs. Adler's class.

[applause]

- I want to thank our teacher, Mrs. Adler,

who got us a sponsorship from Saucy Lawrence.

Hey, we're making pizza here!

So our class could have almanacs, puzzles,

and an up-to-date atlas.

I'd like to give her the Most Dedicated Award.

[applause]

- Thank, Rhett, very much you.

I sound like Yoda. I'm not on drugs, I swear.

I just have had a lot of caffeine. Adios.

[applause]

- I want to present Ms. Snap

with the Keeps It Fun by Keeping It Real Award.

She taught us international geography

by following Eminem's Revival Tour.

We learned fun facts about each city he performed in.

Ms. Snap, this is for you.

- [snoring]

- Ms. Snap.

Ms. Snap?

- [snoring]

- [sighs]

- I'd like to give my teacher, Ms. Watson,

the Blood, Sweat and Tears Award,

because she literally gave up all those things for us.

Thanks, Ms. Watson, for selling your plasma

so we don't have to share an eraser.

[applause]

- Thank you, Harrison.

[all gasp] - Where's the school nurse?

- They let her go. Budget cuts.

- Caroline? Caroline?

- She's probably exhausted from making false accusations

against students.

- Oh, you wanna know why she's passed out?

Because our school doesn't get any funding.

Teachers aren't the problem. The government is.

If you want your children to get a better education,

then you need to put pressure on the school board

so that we get better financial support.

Not just for our paychecks,

but for your kids.

Help us help our students.

Teacher contract negotiations are coming up,

and I think it's time that we join forces

so teachers and students get the funding they deserve.

[cheers and applause]

I let my desire to be a good mother get in the way

of sticking with my fellow teachers and sisters.

I'm sorry.

And, Chelsea... Chelsea?

- [snoring]

- Listen, if you expect the teachers

to do more for the students,

they're gonna need more resources.

- No.

- Then if you're not going to give us more resources,

we need more support staff.

We're spread too thin. - No.

- Okay, if you want us to do all these things ourselves,

then we need to be compensated.

- [chuckles] No.

- So you want us to do all this extra work

outside of our jobs and not get paid for it?

- No.

I mean, yes.

I'm just so used to saying no.

Look, I'm sorry, but things just aren't going to change

this school year.

You're just gonna have to learn to live with that.

- Okay, while we're spitting truths,

your husband kissed me on the lips at a New Year's Eve party,

and it was longer than three seconds.

And you're just gonna have to learn to live with that.

- [clears throat] Next order of business.

Somebody say something.

- I wanna talk about that more.

[Raphael Lake's "Teach Ya"]

- ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ I'm gonna teach ya ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Give what you need ah ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Said I'm gonna teach ya ♪

- [snoring]

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