Original subtitles

[water dripping]

[playful music]

♪ ♪

[desk scraping]

♪ ♪

[water dripping]

♪ ♪

- Are you kidding me?

[desk scraping]

[water dripping]

[desk scraping]

♪ ♪

[sighs]

Happy Valentine's Day to me.

♪ ♪

This hellhole.

[rock music]

- ♪ Teacher ♪

- This year, I'm gonna have

each of the students make a valentine

for everyone in their class.

That way, they all get to feel special.

- Cecelia, you're an idiot.

V-Day is a time in a child's life

when they find out if they're worthy of love.

Don't interfere with nature's course.

[horn honking] - Oh, crap.

- Oh, no, no, no, no. - Oh, no.

- Yay, it's Willy Schmiedler!

Hi, Willy!

- Mary Louise, don't!

People like you are the reason

that bag of cholesterol comes to the school every year

to sell us one of his lame ass TV carts.

- Seriously. We can't even afford hand soap.

I've diluted mine so many times

it doesn't even foam anymore.

- I love Willy.

He once sold a TV cart to Barry Gibb's mother.

Barry Gibb!

- Hello!

- Oh, no. - Uh-uh.

- Heidy-ho, Willy.

Ooh, you're wearing your lucky sales tie.

♪ ♪

- "Too cute."

Duh.

- Are you and Kyle doing anything special tonight?

all: Ooh!

- You guys!

Stop! [giggling]

But, yes, Kyle's planning

a very special surprise for me.

I imagine something small, like dinner

that's candle-lit

on a yacht that's privately chartered

and fireworks that spell my name.

But honestly, I am super laid-back,

so I'd be fine with whatever.

- When are we going to meet him?

- Friday at the Valentine's social.

But play it cool

and act like you've never

heard of him before, okay?

Let's practice. I'll be Kyle.

[as Kyle] Hey, everybody.

- I hope you and Ms. Snap get married!

- Delia, we have talked about your thirst.

Take a timeout.

♪ ♪

- Now raise your hand if you've ever lugged

an unwieldy television into a classroom.

Hmm?

- I for sure have.

- Ah. What if I was to tell you

you would never have to do that again?

- What?

How?

- By using a fucking TV cart, Mary Louise.

- Is anyone else's ceiling leaking?

- No.

- Mine won't stop. And Mavis says

the school doesn't have enough money to fix it

so now I have to spend the rest

of the year in a classroom

that looks like the boiler room

of the "Titanic."

- Don't worry about that squeaking.

A little WD-40 and this baby

will be running smoother than your daddy's Caddy.

- I can stop by and take a look.

My dad used to let me help

with repairs around the house.

It was his way of accepting my lesbianism.

Turns out I was just unpopular with both sexes.

- Thanks.

- Turkey, turkey, turkey!

- Hey, that's mine, Schmiedler!

It literally says "Caroline" on the Pyrex.

- I thought it said "communal."

- I can't believe you let him back in here

after I successfully convinced him last year

this was a women's bathroom.

- Yeah, this loser has gotta go.

- But he's just doing his job.

- Which is now obsolete.

He's wasting his time, Mary Louise.

You need to tell him.

Sometimes it's kinder to be honest.

- Fine.

- [grunts]

- I'll talk to him.

- Hey, is this up for grabs?

- If it's got someone's name on it,

it is not.

- Deeb?

♪ ♪

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, hey! I stopped the leaks.

But when I was up there

I found a crap-ton of mold.

So it might be a little longer than I thought.

- Well, as long as it's done in time

for the Valentine's Day social.

Parents will be here. - Deb.

Why is my linoleum all ripped up?

I asked you to change one lightbulb.

- It turns out you also have

what we call in the business a floor issue.

It all needs to be replaced.

But don't worry, I got a guy.

[phone ringing]

Oh, speak of the devil.

Talk to me, Stosh.

Yeah, it's a go.

- Happy Valentine's Day, Caroline.

- Happy Valentine's Day, Toby.

- I like your new headband.

The floret is masterfully done.

- Thank you.

I've been waiting all day

for somebody to notice.

- Well, I noticed.

- [chuckles]

- Okay.

Bye-bye now.

- Bye.

[knocking, door opening]

- [gasps] Kyle! Ah!

Hi, hi, hi!

- Don't you look nice!

- Aw.

- Happy Valentine's Day.

- Oh, thanks.

So what are we gonna do?

- You said you didn't want to do anything.

- No, I didn't.

- What do you want to do for Valentine's Day?

- Ew. Nothing.

- I feel like we should do something.

- Seriously, let's not.

- We should at least go out to dinner.

- God, what is your obsession

with that lame holiday?

Stop bringing it up.

I don't want to do anything!

Oh, well, obviously I was lying

and you should have known that.

- That makes absolutely no sense.

- [groans]

Now what am I gonna tell my students?

They're all at home following my Twitter

for updates on the big night!

- I'm not a mind reader, Chels.

You gotta communicate and tell me what you want,

not a bunch of eight-year-olds.

Hey, you gotta be honest with me.

- Well, at least when I tell them

I don't need daily compliments on how low my BMI must be,

they know to do it anyway.

- Okay. Look.

I'm sorry I didn't plan anything.

- It's fine.

- Okay, good.

- I'm lying, Kyle!

No one has let me down this badly

since my dad told me he'd be right back!

♪ ♪

[rock music]

- I don't know.

It just really hurt my feelings, you know,

because, like, I know I said not to do anything,

but I, like, wanted him to, you know?

- We know, Ms. Snap.

[knock at door]

- Excuse me.

I have a very special delivery

for a very special lady.

- Oh, my God. It's Kyle.

Kyle's here!

- Excuse her.

Some of the girls are clearly parched

from being so thirsty.

What are you doing here?

- I'm really sorry about last night.

I should have known you were lying

and just planned something anyway.

- No, it's my fault.

I'm so sorry.

I was being unrealistic.

I don't know how we would have gotten a helicopter

in my apartment's courtyard.

- Let me make it up to you.

I want to take you out.

And to make sure that I get it right,

I want you to tell me exactly what you want to do

and we'll do it.

- Really? - Yep.

So, uh, are you gonna introduce me?

- Yes.

Class, this is Kyle. Kyle, class.

- Oh, hello, Kyle.

Valentine's Day flowers the day after?

I'm sure the sale was great.

♪ ♪

- There's my favorite girl!

I'm having a hard time chasing you guys down this year.

Either you guys are getting faster

or I'm getting slower.

- Willy, I need to talk to you.

- Oh, some interest!

[cart squeaking]

I take the Venmo now.

So you just have to walk me through it.

- No. No one's gonna buy a TV cart.

- Did I tell you you can put snacks on the bottom?

- We don't even use TVs anymore.

- Okay, but if your granny comes over

you can stick her on top, use it as a wheelchair.

- Willy, no one's gonna--

- Put a motor on it and drive it to school.

- It's done, Willy!

God, it's over.

The era of the TV cart has passed, and...

it's time to move on.

- Okay, I...

I hear what you're saying.

It's just that after 52 years, I never thought

I'd go out this way.

Hey, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you take this old girl?

I'm not gonna be needing her anymore.

- Oh. Thank you, Willy.

I'd be honored.

♪ ♪

[drill whirring] - It's just weird, you know?

Last Valentine's Day was so much fun.

Toby hired a caricature artist

to come to the apartment to draw us.

So I think I'm gonna

give him this card.

[drill whirring]

But I don't know.

Is it strange to give your ex a valentine?

Or is it thoughtful?

It's not desperate, is it?

It's just that we've finally gotten to a good place.

I don't want to ruin anything.

[drill whirring]

Deb.

Are you listening to any of this?

- Yeah, I am.

It's called multitasking.

Sit on the card, see if he gives you one first.

If he does, give it to him.

If he doesn't, toss it.

That's the only way you're guaranteed

to avoid looking like an awkward loser.

[drill whirring]

[dance music]

♪ ♪

- I gotta say,

this is the last thing I expected you to choose.

- Oh, pole dancing is seriously an amazing workout.

- I bet it is.

- And it is great your boots have a little heel.

It's gonna give you a good lift

in all the right places.

- Okay, everyone.

Welcome to Cardio Pole Dance. - Whoo!

- Oh, looks like we have someone new today.

Let's all clap it out for...

- Kyle.

- Okay, let's get started.

Everyone, pole-walk it out for ten seconds.

Now grab the pole with your right hand

and swing clockwise,

throwing your head back,

letting your hair cascade

down your back.

Yes! Yes!

Okay, let's take it up a notch.

Tighten those tushes and flip upside down.

- [grunting]

[indistinct chatter]

- So are you obsessed?

- So obsessed.

- Really?

- Totally. I loved it.

It was surprisingly liberating

to slap my own ass.

- That means so much to me.

A lot of people think pole dancing

can be a skanky, slutty way to exercise.

Thank you for being so open-minded.

You can choose the next date.

- Mm. - Mwah.

-Whoo! - Agh!

Be gentle!

♪ ♪

- Why is it so quiet in here?

- We're missing the incessant drone

of a decrepit fool trying to sell us

worthless shit?

[all laughing] - Ah, that's it.

- Guys, stop.

I talked with Willy yesterday

and it couldn't have gone better.

He's decided to retire and have some fun.

- Morning.

I have some bad news.

Willy Schmiedler killed himself last night.

[all gasping]

- Peas and rice.

You killed the TV cart salesman.

- What?

No, our talk only lasted five minutes,

tops!

- You probably took away

his only purpose in life.

- Oh, poor Willy!

You couldn't have put up with him

for just a few more days?

- But you all told me to get rid of him!

- We didn't mean get rid of him

like rub him out, Mary Louise.

- There'll be services tomorrow.

One of his sales buddies

is collecting money for the burial.

As you may know,

Willy had some lean years recently.

- Should I donate?

- You should pay for the whole thing

since you killed him.

- Remember how his cart would squeak?

- Yeah. [squeaks]

[all squeaking]

- Shill Stelpersteed--ah,

I mean Shel Silverstein--

was a beloved children's author.

[dark music]

- Ms. Bennigan,

is everything okay?

- Yep. Just a sec.

[cart squeaking]

There. That's better.

One of his best known works is "Where the Sidewalk Ends."

[cart squeaking]

And it just so happens that my favorite poem in the book

is "Where the Sidewalk Ends."

- [Willy's voice] Hello!

- Which is also the name of the book!

- Turkey, turkey, turkey.

- Isn't that weird?

- After 52 years, I never thought

I'd go out like this.

- No!

[all screaming]

- What are you screaming about?

- Uh...

The death of a salesman.

- [male voice] Assemble your warriors.

- So how do you play again?

- This button's your jump.

This one's your spin-kick.

And these two together

form an impenetrable force field.

- And the first player to make it to the top

of Bonzai Mountain wins. - Three, two...

- Got it? - Got it.

- One. together: Let's get

our game on!

- Saber of Deliverance!

I see the Saber of Deliverance!

- Use your force field to block him, Chelsea.

He can't get the Saber of Deliverance.

- Chelsea, block him. Block him! Block him!

Block him! - Block who?

- I got it! I got the Saber of Deliverance!

- Oh, curse of Rocknow!

He got the Saber of Deliverance!

- What did he get? - The. Saber. Of. Deliverance.

- Good luck feeding your Cordanian troops.

[buttons clicking]

- Do you guys like Cardi B?

- Don't beat yourself up about losing.

It's really difficult to navigate

Sombia's lair without a cloaking amulet.

It's nice to meet you, Chelsea.

- Night, Melvin. Night, Zorb.

- So?

Are you obsessed?

- No. That was boring, stupid, and sucked.

- Wow.

Okay.

- What?

I thought you wanted me to be honest.

I'm just communicating

that that video game was more of a waste of time

than going to a museum.

- Yeah, but you don't have to be rude about it.

I didn't like your pole dancing cardio

but you don't hear me complaining.

- What?

You said you loved it.

- I lied.

- [gasps]

- It made me feel skanky and slutty.

- You are such a hypocrite.

You're the one with the communication problem,

you liar!

You know what, you can make this up to me

tomorrow night at the Valentine's Day social.

- No, I can't.

My "Dominion" tournament is tomorrow night.

I sent you a Facebook invite.

- That's like sending a carrier pigeon.

Oh, my God, whatever!

You know what? Enjoy your minion tournament.

Don't forget your goggles.

- That's an Illumination film.

And we don't wear goggles!

[rock music]

- He's acting like I'm cray cray

but he's the one who's cray.

Why do people always blame me

when it's never my fault?

- It's no one's fault.

You were both just trying

to give the other person what they wanted.

- So what do I do now?

- You like him, right?

- Of course!

He's sweet, funny, kind.

I never dreamt in a million years

I'd find a guy who liked me for me

and not just my ti...

...ips. And assets.

- Then that's all that matters.

Working out communication in a relationship

takes time.

- Or just do whatever he wants.

That way, you'll never lose him.

- Delia, stop living in the Sahara.

You're too thirsty.

Wait, have any of you ever heard of "Dominion"?

[organ music]

[cart squeaking]

- Hi.

My name is Mary Louise.

I knew Willy.

- Mary Louise Bennigan?

- Yes?

- Pleased to meet you.

I'm Richard Paritz.

Willy spoke so fondly of you.

- Oh, no.

- Said you were one of the good ones.

Never felt like he was selling you.

Always felt like he was

having a conversation with a friend.

- Please don't tell me any more.

- Thought of you like a daughter.

- I can't.

Here.

He left me a sample model.

I think it's only right that you should have it.

- No, I couldn't.

- Maybe you could bury it with him.

- Company beat you to it, sweetheart.

♪ ♪

- "Dear Care Bear.

"Chatting with you on Valentine's Day

"made me realize how much I miss you.

"I'd really like to get back together.

"If you feel the same, please let me know.

"If you don't, you don't have to say anything.

"Just know that I will always care deeply for you

"and wish you nothing but happiness in your life.

Love, Toby."

[soft music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, Deb.

I can't believe it. This place looks great.

It makes me feel bad for all the terrible things

I said about you behind your back this week.

- Huh.

- What are you doing here?

- Just wanted to see how the place cleaned up.

You know, to see what I have

to look forward to.

Caroline, your room looks lovely.

- Thanks, Deb really came through.

- Yes, she did.

Oh, look at that.

Okay. Bye-bye.

[ceiling cracking]

[thud] - Oh!

[all gasping] - Oh, my God!

Deb, you said you fixed the leaks!

- No, I said I stopped the leaks

by putting a few buckets in the ceiling.

- Are you kidding me?

♪ ♪

- Oh, hey, Melvin.

I'm here to get my "Dominion" on.

Have you seen Kyle?

- Isn't he at your social?

- Wait, really?

- You have an Envoy and a Black Market.

Weren't they only released at conventions?

- Yeah, I slept in a tent for two nights to get those.

[female singing ringtone]

Hello?

- What are you doing at my social?

I'm at your tournament.

- You are? - Yes.

And I'm so sorry.

I'll be better at telling you

what I need in our relationship.

I realized there was a fine line

between being honest and being rude.

I'll work on it.

- I'm--I'm sorry too.

My communication is not perfect.

I should have told you that pole dancing

is not my cup of tea.

Although,

you know, I have been working

on my ass clapping.

- Oh.

[clapping]

[kids giggling]

[clapping]

You know, why don't you come meet me here?

- No, you come here.

I've been learning how to play "Dominion" all day

and your bae is about to slay!

♪ ♪

46, 47, 48.

Beat that, Melvin!

- Damn.

I'm only at 43.

You are a worthy opponent, milady.

- Oh, my God, I won?

I won! [shrieks]

- You're really good at this.

- Honest?

- Honest.

That and you're the hottest girl here.

- Duh.

I had a really great time.

Did you know you can win cash at these things?

I blew all my dollar dollar bills

freezing my eggs,

but at this rate, I'll be able

to cut this big schnoz off after all!

- I love your schnoz.

- Shut up. - Okay.

- Hey.

Did you ever end up getting a card

from you-know-who?

- No, so I just threw mine away.

It was just a stupid valentine.

[cart squeaking]

- Still can't get rid of the cart, huh?

- No, I guess I'll just hang onto it.

Maybe the Smithsonian will be interested in it

in a few years.

- Or you could just leave it

in the parking lot.

I'm sure someone will figure out

how to smoke crack out of it.

- I have news.

- Did Toby finally kill himself?

- I'm right here, Deb.

- Due to the concussion Mr. Nichols

received from the ceiling,

the school's agreed to repair it.

all: Oh, ooh.

- All it took was a head injury, huh?

- Yes, and unfortunately you'll all feel the consequences.

Fillmore's officially on a shoestring budget

until the end of the school year.

- Are you serious?

- It's okay, guys. We'll get through this.

- [shrieks] [all shrieking]

- You were saying?

[rock music]

♪ ♪

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