Original subtitles

And that's why you should elect me

as your Second Grade President.

Vote for some-bunny you can depend on.

[ Cheering ]

You know, that bunny-eared freak really grates me.

She's been president every year since kindergarten.

She's lost touch with the people.

It's ridiculous -- this whole election.

Back in my day, it was

"Heads down, hands up. Timmy wins.

Uhp. There's the nuke siren. Duck and cover."

[ Up-tempo music plays ] Okay, shut up, shut up. It's time.

* La la la la la la la la la

* La la la la la la laaaa

* Hai Si Ja

* Hold tight

What up, Hilltop?

I'm Rory Banks, here to announce

my bid for Class President!

[ Cheering ] Whoo!

I will not rest until we eliminate math.

I've said it before -- we all have calculators!

[ Cheering ]

I don't envy you.

Elections are a total time suck for parents.

It's canvassing, cold-calling --

all while the kids in China are learning engineering

and preparing to destroy us.

Anyway, have fun. Mm-hmm.

Now, if any of you would like to donate any of your lunch money

or help pad out my circle of "yes men,"

please speak to one of my running mates.

Who wants a T-shirt?

[ Cheering ]

Ooh!

See that? Those ladies are yo ladies.

Welcome to the ticket, fool.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

-- Captions by VITAC --

Do you have any red wine that's even redder?

Like, more the color of the blood of The Sacred Ox?

Okay, what's happening here? Is this a cult thing?

If it's a moon cult, I'm in. I love moon stuff.

No, it's just "Joust" night, baby!

Ohh! That fantasy show with the knights and dragons?

They are not dragons. They're not dragons.

They're stegasuses.

They're like a pegasus with armor, like a stegosaurus.

Okay.

I'm sorry I... called them that.

Angie and I are binge-watching the first three seasons

before the new one drops next week.

Yeah, we've developed a nightly ritual of watching, drinking,

and speaking in an unspecific pan-European dialect.

[ Pseudo-European accent ] It's a smith's barrel of fun!

Are you guys sure watching a show this hard is healthy?

Because you remember what happened

when people saw the finale of "Lost."

I loved the "Lost" finale.

Well, it's a lot healthier

than obsessing over my breakup with Owen.

Yeah, Angie and I are kind of nailing being single.

Bingeing is the best way not to deal

with my grand gesture I made towards Tracy.

It's been so weird since I showed up at her house

to ask her out and met her boyfriend instead.

Yeah. That was a big swing.

Yeah, but there's something between us.

All of our conversations are charged with chemistry.

This toaster's pretty slow.

Not as slow as the last one.

Huh.

Is that the end of that story, or...?

[ Scoffs ] There's no good way to convey chemistry

through conversation, okay?

But trust me, our vibe is electric.

Howdy.

Miggy, what are you wearing?

You look like you mugged a mannequin at a golf shop.

When you're dating Bobbi Babsen, Golf Pro to the Stars,

there's an image to keep up.

So she's been putting me in new threads. [ Chuckles ]

Turns out being a kept man is kinda dope.

Well, we don't need love.

We have the whole "Joust" universe

of the stegasus, the Guardians of Corynne Wood,

and The Grand Priestess of Lazarian's Mount.

I love that theme song.

* Joust! Joust! Joust!

* Joust! Joust! Oh, I can do that!

* Joust! Joust! Joust! Joust! Joust! *

* Joust! Joust! Joust! Joust! * Okay --

* Joust! Joust! Joust! * All right. I'll --

**

It's not gonna work. [ Sighs ]

All right, Rory, I got your glitter glue and scissors.

Could not find a strobe light.

All of these buttons are pictures of me from the left side.

So?

My left side is my bad side, Mother. Please fix this.

Okay, Douglas, you maybe want to step in here?

I made you two blond helpers. What more do you want?

You gotta see this!

Bunny Ears: Rory Banks says he's pro-recess.

But what was he doing on the sunniest day of the year?

[ Gasps ] Oh, my gosh.

It's hard to read with the glare!

He says he wants to cut math.

But then why choose a running mate who knows...

algebra?

You two swore that there was no compromising footage of you floating around.

A vote for Rory is a vote against fun.

I'm Bunny Ears, and I approve this message.

Losers?! M-My kids are not losers!

Who the hell does that child think she is?

And why the hell do we have buttons

with a picture of Rory from his bad side?

I gave birth to that bad side, and I still hate it.

All right, Emma, fetch me my expensive marker.

I'm tagging in!

Let's go!

You look great. Thank you.

Thank you for throwing out that hideous bomber jacket.

Oh, you're welcome.

Hey, does Miggy's new relationship

seem odd to you?

I dunno.

Louisa made me carry a pocket watch.

Oh. And where's the braided belt I got you?

Oh! Uh, I-I-I got bored and unbraided it.

I'm sorry, Bobbi.

I wanted to see what would happen.

It's what you think.

Mm.

[ Cellphone buzzing ] Oh.

I'll be right back. Oh, okay.

Hey, guys.

Miggy, let's dish.

Is this new relationship making you miserable?

You kidding? It's amazing!

Bobbi takes me to dinner every night at the club,

she buys me all new stuff,

and all I have to do is be a completely different person.

Love is about changing yourself

to be whatever the other person wants.

True story.

I don't think that's true.

Actually, I am nervous about the Whistling Pines Clam Bake.

I don't know what they do at clam bakes!

And if I mess this up in front of her celebrity clients,

she's gonna dump me for sure.

It's gonna be hard going back to that DFBL.

Dat Frozen Burrito Life.

Well, you're in luck.

I know everything about clam bakes.

My American Girl doll, Tinsley, summers in Nantucket.

Yeah!

One question.

What's clams?

Ignore him.

* Joust! Joust! *

[ Groans ]

Damn. That was a good episode.

Yeah, I just stress-ate that whole pizza.

[ Knock on door ]

* Joust! Joust, Joust, Joust! *

Mm.

Tracy Freeze?! [ Chuckling ] Hi.

What are you doing here?

Did I leave the green screen down?

What? No.

Okay, this might be insane, I know,

but I broke up with Travis -- finally.

And I found myself driving here without a plan.

And then I sat in my car rehearsing

what I was gonna say to you for 10 minutes,

and now I'm here, and --

I forgot everything I was gonna say.

[ Inhales deeply ] So, to sum up...

you wanna get a drink...

with me?

[ Chuckles ] I -- Well, I --

Hey.

Ohhh...hi!

Why are you looking at me like that?

Do I have sauce on my face?

I didn't realize I was interrupting something.

No! Pbht!

You're not -- really. I am no one.

Yeah, she's no one.

This was nuts, and I know that.

So...I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Um, I'll see you tomorrow at the toaster.

Toaster.

Oh, my God! What just happened?

I think your boss just broke up with her boyfriend

and immediately drove here to ask you out.

That's so awesome! How did I do?

Bad! You straight-up rejected her.

Why did I do that? I'm such an idiot!

Oh, God, you got to go and catch her!

Oh, and she's s-still out in her car!

But what about "Joust"?

We were just gonna watch episode 8.

Dude, we can pick it up tomorrow. Go! Now!

Okay. I'm gonna go.

Don't steal anything.

[ Both laugh ]

But seriously, don't steal anything.

**

Hmm.

Not bad for someone who's had two glasses of scotch.

It's four. [ Laughs ]

And actually, this would be much better

if I could use my charcoals.

Charcoals? That's right.

Oh, you fancy.

[ Laughs ]

I'm impressed, by the way.

You are? Why?

I don't know -- it's late, you're here,

killing yourself over a poster for our kids...

Yes. ...and you could be at the club.

Oh, you know, I could be.

And it happens to be surf 'n' turf night.

Tonight?

You heard me.

And I haven't missed one of those since the late '90s.

They have a plaque for me above the lobster tank.

Oh. Well, then you should go. I mean --

No. I don't want to go.

You should go, Douglas. I -- [ Muttering ]

I'm taking a week off shellfish.

We can do this later. [ Laughs ]

I don't want to go. I want to be with you.

O-Oh.

Yep.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Oh, my God.

It's Rory.

He said Bunny Ears dropped out of the election.

No. Yes!

That means he's running uncontested,

so he's automatically gonna win.

My son is a young black president. [ Laughs ]

I made an Obama! Amazing!

Ooh! We did it!

We did it! Ahh!

[ Laughs ]

**

Whew.

What just happened?

Unclear.

So, I'm gonna go, 'cause it's...late.

Yes. So late. Great.

Okay. Awesome.

Bye. Bye.

I'll finish the posters.

Last night was so fun.

It was so fun. We were at that bar for like three hours.

Four, if you count the hour we made out in the parking lot.

Ahh! [ Chuckles ] [ Laughs ]

Hey!

Can someone give me a ride home?

I left my car at an Arby's, Lord knows which one.

Guy. Not now.

Fantastic.

[ Laughs ]

Uh... [ Chuckles ]

What if we... hang out again tonight?

Is -- Is that crazy?

Yeah, I'm down.

Oh! I have plans with Angie.

But you know what? Let me give her a call.

One second.

**

[ Line ringing ]

[ Cellphone buzzes ]

Well, hello!

Will: Hey, Angie phalange.

It's your boy Will Cooper.

Things are going so well with Tracy,

so I think we're gonna go out again tonight,

which means I'll be late for "Joust."

Wow! Pbht.

Three nights in a row, huh?

Is anyone even doing the news over at KZOP anymore?

Or is it all just toast and make-outs?

Are you annoyed?

No, not at all. I just...

want to know what my night looks like, that's all.

Plus, we have to stay on schedule for the premiere, remember?

Will.

[ Knife scrapes ]

Your toast is ready.

[ Chuckles ]

I'll be there by 10:00.

Bye. [ Cellphone beeps ]

Well, Will's having his toast made by some broad at work.

So that's great. Happy for him.

I kissed Douglas.

Huh?! Fogerty? Yes.

Douglas Fogerty? Yes.

Douglas Fogerty? Yep.

No! Ow!

Were you drunk? I wish.

That would explain it. It just --

It happened, like Chris Harrison said it would.

Did you like it?

I mean, Douglas stands for everything that I hate.

He calls dinner "supper."

Blegh.

But...I mean, I didn't not like it.

Oh, my God.

You liked it! Eh.

Did he?

Of course he did. You're a total piece.

Thanks, girl. So, what happened after?

Nothing. We haven't talked -- I mean, I haven't even seen him.

And you weren't drunk?

Girl, you already asked me that!

Am I drunk? What's happening?!

I gotta figure this out.

Damn.

Another crazy day at the picnic tables.

In a past life, I died on a ship.

All right.

**

Mmm!

Strong brine, smooth finish.

This is a delicious East Bay littleneck.

How am I doing?

You've become a real pro.

Yes!

[ Cellphone buzzes ]

Ooh, gotta go meet my makeup guy.

Your makeup guy?

Bobbi wants me to cover up my tattoos.

The clam bake's on the beach, so I'll have my shirt off,

and she says my tattoos don't go with clams.

Miggy, do you hear yourself?

She's treating you like a Barbie doll.

I'm not a doll. I'm a boyfriend.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

W-Well, maybe I've been so busy taking care of Jack,

I like having someone take care of me.

Well, I can't stand by and watch you erase your Miggy-ness.

S-Sophie -- [ Sighs ]

Eh, sounds like a pretty sweet setup.

I say just go limp

and enjoy the easy river, muchacho.

**

Hi!

Sorry I am late.

The restaurant was packed,

and then Guy McCormick crashed our dinner,

and long story short, we had to call his sponsor.

I just lost track of time,

but I'm here now...

[Pseudo-European accent] ready to watch episode 8,

"The Winds of Bloodfire."

* Joust! Joust! Joust! Joust! *

I already watched it.

[ Normal voice ] You watched it? Without me?

Well, yeah. I mean, you said you were gonna be here hours ago,

and then you weren't, so...I watched it.

Okay. You seem upset.

Au contraire!

I am thrilled that everyone is finding love.

Over the moon!

"Everyone"?

You and Tracy, Miggy, Poppy --

Who's Poppy into?

No one!

And if you knew, it would blow your mind!

Okay, so now you're punishing me by withholding gossip?

You know what? You're the one who watched the episode without me.

You're the betrayer.

You are the half-hand of Tirélea.

[ Gasps ]

I think we should "Joust" separately.

You don't mean that. I can't depend on you.

You are not committed to the Tournament!

Yes, I am!

You're just mad 'cause I'm finally the one canceling plans.

When you were with Owen, you would cancel on me all the time.

You even texted me once, "Sorry. Got a ticket to Bone Town"!

Okay, it was a round trip to Doinks-ville,

and it would've been rude to refuse it!

Meanwhile, I'm at home, single,

binge-watching "Planet Earth" on my own,

and I got by fine.

Well, I guess we're good on our own.

I'll just log out of your Netflix account.

Good! Great!

Wonderful! Awesome!

Do it!

I'm doing it!

Okay.

Uh, I guess... I'll be going, then.

Actually, can you log back in really quick?

That was a crazy move.

I don't want to pay for my own account.

**

Poppy. Hey.

Hi.

[ Exhales deeply ]

So, about last night --

the...kiss.

Yes.

Yes, the kiss. I-I was there.

Right.

Should we...talk about it, or...?

Sure. Yeah.

Talk.

H-Hey, you know what?

Tony is, uh, making me supper, and, uh...

[ Chuckles ]

...would you care to join, or...?

Uh, join you? For dinner?

Like -- Like a date?

Well, it doesn't have to be a date.

Or it -- it could be, I guess.

Oh. We could toast to Rory winning.

Okay.

Was that crazy or what?

I mean, Bunny Ears just dropped out of the race.

That was an act of God.

Mm-hmm.

Why do you have a weird look?

What -- Did you do something?

It doesn't matter.

The point is, the rabbit is out of the race.

What did you do, Douglas?

I merely encouraged her to step aside.

Look, Poppy, everyone has their price,

and her price was a $600 scooter.

I talked her down from a Jet Ski.

You rigged a child's election?

What is wrong with you?!

And what the hell kind of bougie-ass scooter costs $600?!

Where are you going?

To fix this.

[ Glass thuds ] To put Bunny Ears back on the ballot!

What, you don't want Rory to win?

Not like this.

I can't believe I let you kiss me.

I -- E-E-Excuse me.

You kissed me.

Oh, no, no, no. No!

You kissed me. You leaned down.

[ Laughing ] Oh! You leaned up.

What?! No! You leaned down! Yeah. You leaned up.

Down! Down! Up.

Down! Up!!

You leaned -- Doesn't matter,

'cause it's never gonna happen again.

Okay?

Down!

[ Door closes ]

Amazing work!

Really brings out your nipples.

They're great, by the way -- perfectly symmetrical.

Well, you could see them before, but thanks. [ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ] You are just too good to be true.

I can't believe I met

a perfectly nippled man who loves clams

and spends all of his free time watching me golf.

Mwah! [ Laughs ]

We should have these tattoos removed permanently. What?

I have an in with a top plastic surgeon.

I fixed his slice, he lowered my hairline 2 inches.

Get your shirt. Let's go.

**

Bobbi, I --

I don't want to get rid of my tattoos.

They're who I am.

Well, so was my widow's peak, but I looked like Nosferatu.

That's cool. And you should be whoever you want.

But so should I.

What are you doing?

Stop that! [ Sighs ]

Miggy! [ Scoffs ]

I'm not a guy who belongs at a clam bake.

And, Bobbi, this is gonna sting, but...

I don't enjoy watching you golf.

So, then, what do you enjoy?

I-I enjoy staying up all night

looking at pictures of sneakers.

I enjoy every odd-numbered installment

of the "Fast and the Furious" franchise.

#JusticeForHan.

Who's Han?

I enjoy starting sentences with "Yo."

I enjoy ending sentences with "Yo."

I enjoy quality time with my son.

And I enjoy orange slices...

yo.

That took a lot of courage.

[ Chuckles ]

I appreciate your honesty.

Thanks.

And sorry I didn't say this sooner.

I guess I was scared that you wouldn't like me

if I was just myself.

Ohh! [ Chuckles ]

Yeah.

Your instincts were right.

Wait. What? Sorry.

I have no interest in the man you just described.

Be well.

Delete the photos I sent you.

All of them? Yeah.

Okay.

Bye-bye.

[ Door closes ] Dang.

[ School bell rings ]

And as you make your way to the polls,

which open in five minutes,

remember, I'm all you've ever known.

Thank you.

[ Cheering ]

Girls, I'm shiny. Blot me.

I hope you're happy, Mother. Getting Bunny Ears back into the race --

Oh, Rory, don't you want to win on your own?

Not because some kid got bribed with a scooter?

A win is a win!

Oh! Fogerty! Thank God.

Okay, I need a big idea.

I got five minutes to turn this crowd.

All right, look, all you got to do is --

is speak from the heart.

All right? Don't sell them on promises.

Sell them on yourself.

Wait.

Talk about me? Of course.

It was right in front of me the whole time.

Thank you!

Am I losing my mind,

or did you just give my kid some decent advice?

[ Sighs ] Every now and then, it happens.

Look, uh, about Bunny Ears,

that was stupid.

I know how much the election meant to you,

and I... just wanted to help.

Listen, I get it.

And...

accidents happen.

And I may have leaned down.

Really?

Yeah, well, that's how it's always gone

when I've... thought about it.

Oh, so you've thought about kissing me?

Once or twice.

You?

Rory: Attention, Hilltop voters.

A wise and very old man

has told me to be honest about myself.

Here I go.

I, Rory Banks, love things.

My mom buys me things, and she can buy you things, too.

[ Whispering ] No. Let my mom buy you things.

Rory Banks! 2019!

Out! [ Cheering ]

**

Ugh!

**

Okay, you're definitely chipping in for this.

[ Plastic crinkling ] [ Sighs ]

Okay, so, we're just walking into each other's houses now?

I have a very soft knock. You just didn't hear it.

But I brought a peace offering.

Oh, my God.

Giant turkey legs?

[ Sniffs ]

Just like they eat at The Winner's Feast.

Where did you find these?

At a, uh, Ren faire that was oh so far away.

But I wanted to show you how sorry I was.

You don't need to be sorry.

You met a girl. You liked her.

It happens.

Also, these are really heavy.

No turkey should have legs this huge.

Yeah, those are full of hormones.

I would not eat a--

Oh. Too late.

Anyway...

I'm sorry, too.

I shouldn't have raged out at you.

I guess maybe I was a little jealous.

Jealous? Interesting. [ Laughs ]

You had a little taste and you wanted more.

Take it easy. I just got used to our hangs. That's all.

[ Chuckles ]

But I'm excited for you.

You deserve to be happy...

ya big weirdo.

[ Chuckles ]

Thank you.

So...

are you gonna tell me who Poppy's dating?

Oh, it's not happening anymore. They were friends.

It's... a little too complicated.

Yeah, I get that.

But seriously, who was it?

Nope. Classified information, bro.

Please? [ Whimpering ] Please? But you know what?

If you make me some popcorn, maybe I'll tell you.

I'm on it.

And wash my car. Okay.

And empty the dishwasher?

Oh, I see. You're never actually gonna tell me, are you?

Correct. But do make the popcorn, because...

[ Pseudo-European accent ] season 4 is about to start!

* Joust! Joust! Joust! Joust! * * Joust! Joust! Joust!

* Joust! Joust! Joust! Joust! Joust! *

[ Panting ] Ooh, a pin!

Hey, guys.

Hey! Hi, Miggy!

You look...comfortable.

I am! My armpits can't stop smiling!

How was the clam bake?

Did they have sweet corn?

Oh, I didn't go.

Um, turns out Bobbi's not a fan of the real me.

I'm sorry, Miggy.

Ah, don't be.

As much as I liked Bobbi taking care of me,

you guys do a better job than she ever could.

Attention! Attention, please. Thank you.

I just received a phone call from President Bunny Ears.

She has conceded.

[ Cheering ]

Now, my first order of business

is that there will be no more elections!

Bow before me!

You heard him! Bow!

Bow before your president!

Bow!

**

Oh, we've done something terrible.

Maybe I've been too supportive.

**

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