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THAT WAS...

ONE OF MY TOP TEN FUCKS.

YEAH.

DEFINITELY ONE OF MY...

TOP TEN...

THOUSAND.

OH... GOD.

I SHOT BUCKETS.

YOU MIND IF I USE YOUR SHOWER?

WEAR IT HOME PROUDLY.

I'M BUSY.

WHAT, ARE YOU JUST KICKING ME OUT? YOU GOT IT.

WHY ARE THE BEST FUCKS ALWAYS THE BIGGEST JERKS?

RISE AND SHINE, LOVER. HMM.

"LOVER". HUH.

HOW I LOVE THAT WORD. HMM.

MM, WHAT SMELLS SO YUMMY?

I MADE YOU

SOME OF MY SPECIAL ROAST.

HMMM. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

I LIKE MY COFFEE LIKE I LIKE MY MEN.

STRONG, FULLBODIED, AND PIPING HOT.

HUH! STOP.

IT'S TRUE.

YOU WERE....

YOU WERE MAGNIFICENT.

I WAS? MMM, SO...

GENTLE, SO SENSITIVE...

AND YET, SO FORCEFUL.

WHO KNEW?

WELL, EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND,

THERE'RE SOME THINGS ONLY A LOVER CAN KNOW.

HMMM.

"LOVER".

HOW I LOVE THAT WORD.

AND WHAT ABOUT YOU?

YOU ARE...

SENSATIONAL.

NO, I'M NOT.

REALLY? HUH.

THE MIRACLES YOU CAN PERFORM WITH YOUR TONGUE.

TAUNTING ME, TEASING ME...

DRIVING ME MAD. HMM.

AND YOUR ASS. HMM?

YOUR ASS IS...

AS SOFT...

AS MY NEW EGYPTIAN COTTON, 2,000-THREAD COUNT SHEETS.

CAREFUL, DON'T SPILL.

AND THEY SAID IT WOULD NEVER WORK.

FOOLS. WHAT DO THEY KNOW?

AHH. HMM.

OH, MORE CREAM, SWEETHEART?

MM, THANKS, LOVER.

"LOVER".

HOW I LOVE THAT WORD.

HMM, MMMM.

HAVE ANOTHER BITE,

LAMB CHOP.

HUH. THANK YOU, TEDDY BEAR.

I'M GOING TO HEAVE MY HASH BROWNS.

I DON'T CARE WHAT UNSPEAKABLE

ACTS OF PERVERSION YOU TWO FREAKS COMMIT IN PRIVATE,

DO YOU HAVE TO FLAUNT IT IN THE FACES OF DECENT, GOD-FEARING CITIZENS?

YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE WE HAVE WHAT YOU DON'T.

ANAL WARTS?

HUH.

A LOVING, MATURE RELATIONSHIP.

OPEN UP FOR THE CHOO-CHOO, BOO-BOO.

LA, LA-LA, LA...

THERE YOU GO, HONEY.

HOW'S THAT SHINER COMING? IT'S NOTHING.

OW! WHAT, IT STILL SMARTS?

ANIMAL!

LEAVE HIM ALONE, MA.

I ASKED FOR IT.

NOBODY ASKS TO GET PUNCHED IN THE EYE.

SINCE WHEN DO GAY GUYS USE THEIR FISTS?

YEAH, I'LL GET, UH,

BIG HAIRY AL TO EXPLAIN THAT TO YOU.

HEY, UH...

Y-YOU WROTE "RAGE", RIGHT?

RIGHT.

I MEAN...

YEAH, WITH A PARTNER.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME,

Y-YOU KNOW, HAVING A GAY SUPERHERO.

I ONLY WISH HE'D BEEN AROUND WHEN I WAS GROWING UP.

YEAH. ME TOO.

HEY, SO, WHEN'S THE NEXT ISSUE COMING OUT?

YEAH, MIKEY,

WHEN IS THE NEXT ISSUE COMING OUT?

NOT SURE.

WELL, I CAN'T WAIT.

OKAY, UH, BABY,

YOU NEED THREE EGGS, SMASH...

STILL HERE, I SEE?

I TRIED TO QUIT. YOUR MOTHER WOULDN'T LET ME.

YEAH WELL, WE ALL KNOW HOW SUBTLE

HER POWERS OF PERSUASION CAN BE.

BESIDES, I NEED THE MONEY.

I GUESS BRIAN CAME IN HANDY FOR SOMETHING.

LOOK, IF YOU WANT MONEY, THE...

THE COMIC BOOK'S A BIG HIT.

I MEAN, WE SOLD OUT THE FIRST ISSUE ALREADY

AND PEOPLE ARE ASKING FOR IT. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

WE SHOULD WORK TOGETHER?

WE DON'T HAVE TO LIKE EACH OTHER,

BUT WE... WE DID MAKE A COMMITMENT.

YOU BETRAYED ME.

YOU BETRAYED YOURSELF. AND BRIAN.

OH, LOOK, I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH "RAGE".

OR YOU.

WHOO-OO-OO!

MOMMY'S GOT YOU AND ALL OF YOU,

EVERY DAY, EVERY NIGHT, ALL THE TIME!

YEAH... NO,

THEY'RE NOT APPEALING. IT'S SETTLED.

YEAH. WE NEED TO DRAFT UP A PAYMENT SCHEDULE.

UH, THE NOTES ARE ON MY HARD DRIVE.

OKAY.

HEY!

LOOK WHAT MAMA GOT FOR YOU.

OH-H. HEYHEY-HEY-HEY,

NOT BEFORE LUNCH. OOH,

MEAN OLD MOMMY WON'T LET YOU CARB UP AFTER YOUR...

YOUR WORKOUT. UH-UH.

HEY, MEL.

HEY! HAVEN'T SEEN YOU

AT THE SWING SETS LATELY.

THE ONLY RECESS I GET IS WHEN JUDGE HARTLEY CALLS IT.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE IN COURT ALL DAY.

WE FINALLY SETTLED THE KITTRICH CASE.

OH, MY GOD.

OH MY GOD, IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS!

OF DEFERRED FEES, NOW WE'RE PAID IN FULL.

WHOO-HOO!

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU GUYS.

AH, YOU TOO, DUSTY. ON YOUR SECOND?

YEAH, A FEW YEARS AGO, WHO WOULD'VE THUNK

THIS BIG OL' DYKE WOULD BE HAVING A KID?

NOW I CAN HARDLY WAIT FOR MY THIRD.

OH-OH, THREE? OH.

OOH, COME HERE, YOU LITTLE RAT!

HEY, WHAT ABOUT YOU? AREN'T YOU DUE FOR ANOTHER? OH,

ARE YOU KIDDING?

OH, I HAVE MY HANDS FULL WITH ONE.

DON'T I, BABY?

OH, OKAY, OKAY.

YOU OKAY?

YEAH.

THE CLAW JUST GETS TIRED SOMETIMES.

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH HE AVERAGES A DAY?

NO. 40 BUCKS.

I HAD NO IDEA BEING A BEGGAR COULD BE SO LUCRATIVE.

HE'S NOT A BEGGAR.

HE'S A STREET PERFORMER.

HOW ROMANTIC.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

LAST NIGHT, WE MADE LOVE ON THE ROOF.

UNDERNEATH THE STARS.

NEVER DID ANYTHING LIKE THAT WITH BRIAN.

I DON'T KNOW. I RECALL HEARING

ABOUT SOME PRETTY HOT NIGHTS.

HMM. REMEMBER HOW HE'D FUCK YOU SO HARD

YOU COULD STILL FEEL HIM INSIDE YOU THE NEXT MORNING?

DAPHNE.

YOUR WORDS, DARLING, NOT MINE.

IF I HAVE TO PLAY "LA CAMPANELLA"

ONE MORE TIME,

I'M GOING TO SCREAM.

MY POOR LITTLE GENIUS.

HEY, DAPH.

WHAT'RE YOU TAKING NEXT TERM, MAN?

COMP-ANAT AND BIO-CHEM. WHAT ABOUT YOU?

I'M NOT.

WHAT?

I'M DROPPING OUT.

NO WAY.

NO MONEY. WELL,

WHO'S BEEN PAYING FOR IT?

You sound hot.

UH-HUH.

So, uh, what are you into?

SITTING ON YOUR FACE WHILE YOU SUCK MY BALLS.

Oh, yeah!

Oh fuck, I'm so hard.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A HIT OF POPPERS,

STICK A COUPLE OF FINGERS UP YOUR HOLE AND JERK OFF?

Oh my! Call me! Oh...

YOU'RE WASTING IT ON THE PHONE.

WHAT KIND OF PATHETIC TROLL ARE YOU?

HUH. YOU DIDN'T MEAN

WHAT YOU SAID IN THE PARK, DID YOU?

NO COOKIES BEFORE LUNCH? HMM.

NO BABIES AFTER GUS.

WELL NOW THAT HE'S IN PRE-SCHOOL,

I WAS HOPING TO RETURN TO CIVILIAN LIFE.

YOU KNOW, TEACH, GET BACK INTO MY ART.

SARA EVEN SAID THAT IF I HAD ENOUGH PAINTINGS

SHE COULD GIVE ME A SHOW.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT IF WE HAVE ANOTHER KID?

I UNDERSTAND, BUT IT'S NOT LIKE WE CAN...

POP OUT A BABY WHENEVER WE WANT. OH-H.

IT REQUIRES...

TIMING,

PLANNING...

WRONG TIME, WRONG PLAN.

YOU LOVED BEING PREGNANT.

I DID? UH, GOD,

WERE YOU EVER SEXY!

I WAS?

YOU HAD A BIG, HARD...

BELLY AND...

HOT, LUSCIOUS TITS AND...

YOU WERE HORNY ALL THE TIME.

OH-H,

I DON'T REMEMBER IT QUITE THAT FONDLY.

OKAY.

THEN HOW ABOUT THIS?

WHEN WE BROUGHT GUS HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL,

YOU SAID, "I WANT A HOUSE FILLED WITH CHILDREN.

CHILDREN WHO KNOW THEY'RE LOVED,

WHO ARE AN EXPRESSION OF OUR LOVE."

MM-HM.

YOU'RE VERY PERSUASIVE, COUNCILLOR.

MMM! WHAT SMELLS SO YUM-A-LICIOUS?

BEN'S STIRRING UP SOME THAI DELIGHT.

ARE YOU GOING TO JOIN US? THERE'S PLENTY.

OH, THANK YOU, BENJAMIN.

BUT I'M ON MY WAY TO MEET MR. RIGHT.

I THOUGHT YOU ALREADY MET HIM.

OH, IT'S JUST, UH...

JUST THIS GAME THAT TEDDY AND I PLAY.

WE, UH, FIND EACH OTHER AT BABYLON

AND HE'LL SAY SOMETHING TO ME LIKE, "COME HERE OFTEN?"

AND, UH, I'LL SAY SOMETHING TO HIM LIKE, UH,

"ONLY WHEN MY BOYFRIEND'S OUT OF TOWN." HUH.

AND THEN WE GO BACK TO HIS PLACE AND FUCK LIKE BUNNIES.

OH, THAT'S CUTE.

SO, UM, DO YOU GUYS WANT TO HOOK UP LATER?

NOTHING SHORT OF A DISASTER

COULD DRAG US OUT OF THE HOUSE.

ALL RIGHT THEN, POP.

TRY NOT TO BURN THE PLACE DOWN. TA!

BYE.

COME AND GET IT. HUH,

THESE WORDS I HAVE BEEN DROOLING TO HEAR.

MMM. HM-MM.

EMMETT FORGET HIS KEY?

EMMETT NEVER FORGETS HIS KEY.

YOU DON'T SUPPOSE THAT COULD BE...

YOU DON'T ANSWER IT, HE'LL GO AWAY.

YOU SAID I WAS WELCOME ANYTIME.

FUCK.

AT LEAST GIVE ME A LITTLE DINNER

AND SCHMOOZE ME UP FIRST.

SO.

WHAT ARE WE HAVING?

MEE KROB.

HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF MEATLOAF?

I ONLY MADE ENOUGH FOR TWO.

OH, WHICH ONE OF YOU IS GOING TO JOIN ME? BRIAN,

BEN AND I WOULD LIKE TO SPEND...

AN EVENING AT HOME.

ALONE.

BUT IT'S "NINE-INCH NITE" AT BABYLON.

ANY GUY WITH MORE THAN NINE INCHES GETS IN FOR FREE. SO...

I FIGURED I'D BUY YOUR TICKETS.

BUT WE PREFER TO SIT THIS ONE OUT.

I THOUGHT YOU AND MICHAEL

WERE SPENDING A QUIET EVENING ALONE TOGETHER.

THE BEST UN-LAID PLANS...

MM-HM! I HAVE TO TINKLE.

DON'T BE LONG, LOVER.

MMMM. MMMM.

LOOKING GOOD, EMMETT.

HEY, STRANGER. COME HERE OFTEN?

ONLY WHEN MY BOY...

OH MY GOD, IT'S, UM... DIJON.

LIKE THE MUSTARD. RIGHT!

YEAH, I KNEW YOU WERE A... CONDIMENT.

I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU, BABY.

YOU HAVE? THAT'S, UH...

THAT'S SWEET. MORE LIKE...

HOT 'N' SPICY. HMM.

I'M BACK FROM MY FLIGHT.

OH! YEAH, YOU'RE THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT.

RIGHT. RIGHT.

AND I HAVE A THREE DAY LAY-OVER.

PLENTY OF TIME TO GET LAID, OVER AND OVER.

YOU STILL UP FOR THAT DATE?

DATE?

UH, THAT WE MADE AT THE GYM A FEW WEEKS AGO.

MAYBE, UM...

THIS WILL JOG YOUR MEMORY.

AH...

YEAH, UH...

OH YEAH, IT'S... I-IT'S COMING BACK.

UM... YOU...

UH, YOU KNOW, AS...

AS MUCH AS I WOULD...

LOVE TO, UH...

THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT HAS CHANGED.

POSTAGE WENT UP? HMMM.

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

WELL, I WON'T TELL YOUR BOYFRIEND

IF YOU WON'T TELL MINE.

HERE'S THE ADDRESS.

TOMORROW?

SAY, ABOUT 7:00?

HELLO, STRANGER, COME HERE OFTEN?

OH! TEDDY IT'S YOU, HEY.

WHO DID YOU THINK IT WAS?

YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE SO LONG,

I THOUGHT YOU'D FALLEN IN OR SOMETHING.

OR MET SOMEONE ELSE, AH...

MET SOMEONE ELSE!

SO FUNNY.

IT'S ABOUT TIME. ARE YOU READY TO GO?

THE NIGHT IS YOUNG.

NOT AS YOUNG AS IT ONCE WAS.

WHY DON'T YOU COME DANCE? MICHAEL, I TOLD YOU.

I HAVE GOT A CLASS FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

THAT'S PERFECT. YOU CAN LEAVE STRAIGHT FROM HERE.

GOTTA GO.

SURE, MIKEY.

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

JUSTIN TELLS ME YOU'RE A... GENIUS, HUH.

NO, I LIKE TO THINK I INHERITED IT FROM MY GRANDFATHER.

HE WAS AT A CONCENTRATION CAMP.

OH! OH, I'M SORRY...

LUCKILY, HE SURVIVED

AND HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO PLAY.

THANK GOD.

I'M ALSO FORTUNATE TO HAVE PARENTS WHO...

PAID FOR ALL THOSE LESSONS EVEN THOUGH THEY DIDN'T HAVE MUCH MONEY.

WELL, HOW NICE

TO HEAR SOMEONE PRAISING THEIR PARENTS

FOR A CHANGE.

I SAY NICE THINGS ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME.

YOU'RE JUST NOT AROUND TO HEAR IT.

WELL, I GOTTA GO. I GOTTA PRACTICE.

ETHAN'S A FINALIST FOR THE HEIFETZ COMPETITION.

THAT'S WONDERFUL.

I HOPE YOU WIN IT. ME TOO.

NICE TO MEET YOU, MRS. TAYLOR.

MY PLEASURE.

THANKS AGAIN FOR LUNCH. AND YOU...

SEE YOU AT HOME. YEAH.

OH, WELL.

HE SEEMS LIKE A...

AN ACCOMPLISHED YOUNG MAN.

DON'T LEAVE OUT "CUTE". VERY.

CUTE.

AND CERTAINLY...

MORE APPROPRIATE FOR YOU THAN BRIAN.

NOT THAT I HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST BRIAN.

IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR HIM, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT EITHER OF US WOULD'VE... DO YOU MIND

IF WE DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM? I'M WITH ETHAN NOW.

LET ME GET THE TIP.

PUT YOUR MONEY AWAY.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GOING TO NEED IT.

MAYBE I CAN HELP WITH TUITION.

AT LEAST PART OF IT.

YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND MOLLY.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

MOLLY SAYS HE ASKS ABOUT YOU.

LIKE I GIVE A SHIT.

JUSTIN.

MAYBE NOW THAT YOU'RE NOT WITH BRIAN,

HE MIGHT... I'M NOT ASKING DAD FOR A FUCKING THING.

HE'S BEEN VERY GENEROUS WITH YOUR SISTER.

MAYBE IF YOU... EXPLAINED THE SITUATION,

HE MIGHT COME THROUGH. AFTER ALL...

HE'S STILL YOUR FATHER.

I KNOW I MAY NOT BE STANDING HERE

WITH A RAZOR BLADE AT MY WRIST,

OR A LIGHT BULB UP MY ASS,

BUT I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE NOW! I...

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THE GODDAMNED GAY CRISIS HELP LINE

TO TAKE MY CALL FOR THE PAST 15 MINUTES.

YOU SHOULD TELL THEM YOU HAVE A REALLY BAD TINT JOB.

I'M SURE THEY'D PUT YOU RIGHT THROUGH.

SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

THE PROBLEM IS...

I HAVE THIS FRIEND...

THAT WOULD BE YOU.

WHO IS, UM,

IN LOVE WITH HIS BEST FRIEND...

THAT WOULD BE THEODORE.

BUT BEFORE THEY REALIZED THEY WERE IN LOVE,

MY FRIEND MADE THIS... PREVIOUS COMMITMENT.

MM-HM. FUCK DATE.

WITH THIS REALLY, REALLY HOT FLIGHT ATTENDANT.

DIJON? LIKE THE MUSTARD?

GOD, HE'S A FIRST CLASS FUCK.

PLUS YOUR FRIEND WILL GET FREE BONUS MILES.

SO WHAT ABOUT THE REMORSE AND... GUILT?

TELL HIM NOT TO SWEAT IT.

HE'S PROTECTED BY THE GRANDFATHER CLAUSE.

WHAT'S THAT? THAT STATES THAT ANY AGREEMENT

MADE BEFORE THE CURRENT ARRANGEMENT

IS STILL CONSIDERED LEGALLY BINDING

AND MUST THEREFORE BE HONOURED.

SO YOU MEAN MY... FRIEND

COULD ACTUALLY, UM...

BLOW SAID REALLY HOT FLIGHT ATTENDANT

AND STILL BE WITHIN HIS RIGHTS?

AS LONG AS HE KEEPS HIS MOUTH SHUT... AFTERWARDS.

HOW ABOUT A TIDE?

NO, I'VE ALREADY GOT IT.

MULTI-GRAIN CHEERIOS?

FOR YOUR RAGU?

DEAL.

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

REMEMBER WHEN I WAS TEACHING THAT CLASS

ON ABSTRACT EXPRESSIONISM

AND YOU WERE LECTURING ON THE METAPHYSICAL POETS?

NOW WE'RE SWAPPING COUPONS FOR THE SHOP 'N SAVE.

TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I DON'T MIND IT.

BESIDES, WHAT MORE CAN YOU SAY ABOUT ROTHKO OR DONNE

THAT HASN'T ALREADY BEEN SAID?

IT'S JUST THAT SOMETIMES,

I FEEL LIKE I'M MISSING ALL THE EXCITEMENT.

MELANIE'S OUT THERE, MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE,

AND... WHAT AM I DOING?

RAISING BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN TO LIVE IN IT.

CORRECTION, ONE CHILD.

WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT I HEAR.

WHAT? AH, I SAW YOUR BETTER HALF

AT THE CASH MACHINE THIS MORNING.

SHE TOLD ME THE BIG NEWS. WHAT BIG NEWS?

OH, AND I'VE ALREADY GOT YOUR NAMES PICKED OUT.

SHANE IF IT'S A BOY, SABRINA IF IT'S A GIRL.

YOU CAN TELL I'VE BEEN WATCHING AMC.

MELANIE TOLD YOU WE'RE HAVING ANOTHER KID?

YEAH, SHE WAS ALL EXCITED. SHE SAID YOU COULDN'T WAIT.

YOU KNOW, I WAS PUKING MY GUTS OUT LAST NIGHT.

MUST'VE BEEN THE VAST AMOUNT OF DRUGS YOU CONSUMED.

YEAH, OR MAYBE IT WAS THAT WEIRD ASIAN SHIT BEN CONCOCTED.

SO WHAT TIME'S DINNER?

IT'S NOT.

WE'RE GOING TO MY MOM'S.

OH, THAT SHOULD BE FUN.

ALMOST AS MUCH FUN AS THE UNDERWEAR PARTY.

WHAT UNDERWEAR PARTY?

THE ONE I'M ATTENDING THIS EVENING.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT;

WORKING ALL DAY, FUCKING ALL NIGHT.

WELL, THEY SAY IN THE VAST EMPTINESS OF SPACE,

THE FASTER YOU MOVE, THE SLOWER YOU AGE.

I HAVE TO BELIEVE

THE SAME HOLDS TRUE FOR PITTSBURGH.

YOU CARE TO JOIN ME?

YOU'LL HAVE TO STAY FOREVER YOUNG WITHOUT ME.

I UNDERSTAND.

YOU'RE IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR...

WHAT IS THAT HIDEOUS EXPRESSION?

"SIGNIFICANT OTHER?"

LOSER.

DO WHAT I SAY, AND I WON'T KILL YA.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. JUST TAKE IT EASY!

FUCK! BRIAN!

GOTCHA!

YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME!

WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?

I THOUGHT I'D DROP YOU AT YOUR MAMA'S.

YOU ARE SO PATHETIC, YOU KNOW THAT?

ACTUALLY, YOU ARE.

SO WHAT TIME'S THE PARTY START?

WHEN I GET THERE, OF COURSE.

HEY...

WE JUST... YOU MISSED MOM'S TURN.

AH. OR SHOULD I SAY, WHEN WE GET THERE?

I TOLD YOU I CAN'T GO.

UH, TURN BACK.

IT'S TOO LATE.

HUH. THIS ISN'T FUNNY.

JUST LET... LET ME OUT.

SORRY.

I'M CALLING BEN.

THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? YOU...

SIT BACK, AND RELAX.

OH.

HERE'S A LITTLE PARTY OUTFIT I GOT YOU.

AH... I CAN'T STAY.

UH, THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE IS BECAUSE MY AUNT LULA,

SHE ALWAYS TAUGHT ME THAT IF YOU HAVE TO DELIVER BAD NEWS,

IT'S BEST TO DO IT IN PERSON. HUH.

"IT'S JUST PLAIN GOOD MANNERS!" SHE WOULD SAY.

SO, UM...

BYE. WHOA-WHOA-WHOAWHOA-WHOAWHOA... WHOA.

WHAT'S YOUR HURRY, BABY?

COME ON IN.

I-I-I'M AFRAID IT'S, UM, GOING TO BE IMPOSSIBLE

FOR US TO KEEP THIS LITTLE TRYST.

I, UH... I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP SEE?

WITH THIS, UH, REALLY WONDERFUL MAN.

MM-HMM. AND, UM...

AND EVEN THOUGH I COULD CITE THE, UH,

THE GRANDFATHER CLAUSE...

CAN I GET YOU A BEVERAGE? OH, UH...

BLOODY MARY.

I HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO.

INSTEAD, I CHOOSE TO HONOUR MY COMMITMENT.

TO THE LETTER.

PEANUTS OR PRETZELS?

PEANUTS. SO, UH, I...

I HOPE YOU'LL UNDERSTAND THAT EVEN THOUGH I-I WOULD REALLY...

REALLY LIKE TO STAY FOR THE, UH...

IN-FLIGHT ENTERTAINMENT, UM... I...

WHAT'S THAT?

THE, UH, AIRLINE AWARDED THAT TO ME

FOR SERVICING OVER 10,000 PASSENGERS.

AH, "TO...

TO DIJON..."

LIKE THE MUSTARD;

"WHO... WHO WILL GO TO ANY LENGTH TO MAKE SURE

SATISFACTION IS GUARANTEED."

I SEE WHAT THEY MEAN BY, UH...

BY "ANY LENGTH."

AND I SEE YOU'RE ALREADY IN THE UPRIGHT, AND LOCKED, POSITION.

WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE?

I'VE BEEN CALLING AND LEAVING MESSAGES FOR YOU

FOR OVER AN HOUR,

AND NOT ONE FUCKING "BOO" FROM YOU.

WELL YOU'D BETTER BE ON YOUR WAY OVER HERE

IS ALL I GOTTA SAY

'CAUSE MY GODDAMN DINNER'S TURNING TO SHIT.

LOVE, MOTHER.

THIS GARLIC BREAD'S NOT BAD...

FOR A DOORSTOP.

SHUT UP.

HUH.

SO, IT'S A DRIED OUT MESS.

THAT'S WHY ITALIANS INVENTED SAUCE.

WELL,

WE WILL GO AHEAD WITH OUR DINNER,

WITH OR WITHOUT MY SON.

YOU KNOW, IT ISN'T LIKE MICHAEL NOT TO SHOW UP.

OR EVEN CALL.

NO, BUT IT'S EXACTLY LIKE...

YOU-KNOW-WHO.

WHO? BRIAN?

YOU WIN THE VEAL.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE'S WITH BRIAN?

YOU SAID THEY'VE BEEN OUT EVERY NIGHT THIS WEEK.

AND LAST.

WELL YEAH, BRIAN NEEDS HIS BEST FRIEND RIGHT NOW.

THOUGH HE WOULD NEVER ADMIT THAT.

HE WANTS EVERYONE TO THINK HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT. EXCUSE ME.

COVER YOUR EARS, SIS.

BUT HE IS HURTING INSIDE.

AND THE MORE HE'S HURTING,

THE MORE HE TRIES TO HIDE IT.

WHAT AN INCREDIBLY KIND, COMPASSIONATE THING TO SAY.

YOU REALLY ARE A HELL OF A NICE GUY.

THANK YOU, DEBBIE.

FUCK "NICE".

UNLESS YOU KNOCK SOME SENSE

INTO THAT BOYFRIEND OF YOURS,

BRIAN'S GONNA KEEP HAULING HIM OFF TO GOD KNOWS WHERE,

AND HE SHOULD BE HERE WITH YOU.

IT'S NOT UP TO ME. I CAN'T CONTROL HIM.

WHY NOT?

SHE'S BEEN DOING IT FOR 30 YEARS.

LET'S JUST HOPE MICHAEL WAKES UP

AND REALIZES HE'S JUST A SUBSTITUTE FOR JUSTIN.

ONLY TROUBLE IS,

THE SUBSTITUTE'S USUALLY THE LAST TO KNOW.

SAUCE?

YOUR SON WAS A CRANKY LITTLE CUSS TONIGHT.

I LOVE HOW WHEN HE'S CRANKY, HE'S MY SON.

YOU LOOK A LITTLE CRANKY YOURSELF.

DO I?

I WENT TO THE SUPERMARKET TODAY.

MMMM? AND WHILE I WAS THERE,

I RAN INTO DUSTY, WHO TOLD ME THE MOST ASTONISHING NEWS.

REALLY? WHAT?

YOU AND I ARE HAVING ANOTHER BABY. HMM!

GEE, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

WELL, WE... TALKED ABOUT IT LAST NIGHT.

AND I THOUGHT WE DECIDED...

WE DIDN'T DECIDE ANYTHING.

I SAID I'D THINK ABOUT IT.

AND SINCE I'M THE ONE WHO'LL BE CARRYING IT,

DON'T YOU THINK I SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST HAVE SOME SAY AS TO WHEN?

OF COURSE YOU SHOULD, HONEY. I...

OH, STOP TRYING TO PLACATE ME, MEL.

REMINDS ME OF MY GODDAMN PARENTS.

I'M NOT TRYING TO PLACATE YOU,

AND WE ARE DEFINITELY NOT YOUR PARENTS.

OH, COMPARED TO US, THEY'VE GOT THE ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE,

AND WE'RE THE HAPPILY MARRIED STRAIGHT COUPLE OF 1962.

ALL I SAID

IS THAT I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE ANOTHER CHILD.

AND JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BREADWINNER,

THAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO TELL ME WHEN TO...

POP OUT ANOTHER LOAF?

YOU WANT ANOTHER KID SO BADLY, HAVE IT YOURSELF.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST SAID THAT.

THAT IS NOT FAIR. YOU KNOW I CAN'T HAVE CHILDREN.

YOU KNOW DAMN WELL I CAN'T. THE DOCTORS TOLD ME.

THAT WAS YEARS AGO.

YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THERE ARE NEW PROCEDURES.

THEY COULD ZAP YOU WITH A LASER AND YOU'D AS BE FERTILE

AS MOTHER EARTH. BUT...

NO... BECAUSE YOU WANT TO PLAY DAD,

PASSING OUT THE COHIBAS. WHAT...

HUH! SORRY, MEL. NO CIGAR.

YOU WANT A SODA?

I'LL HAVE THE SAME AS YOU.

I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU HAVE A DRINK.

THAT'S BECAUSE I ALWAYS USED TO WAIT UNTIL YOU WERE OUT OF THE HOUSE.

OR ASLEEP.

THANKS.

MOLLY TELLS ME YOU'RE... BETTER.

YEAH, I'M DOING ALL RIGHT.

HONEY?

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I'M JUST GOING TO GET OUT TO THE STORE.

OKAY. SEE YOU SOON.

OKAY. BYE.

SHE'S PRETTY.

YEAH.

HER NAME'S LORI.

WE'VE BEEN SEEING EACH OTHER FOR ABOUT A YEAR NOW.

I BROUGHT SOME OF MY LATEST WORK.

THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO SEE SOME.

SURE.

BUT I'M NOT MUCH OF AN ART CRITIC.

HERE.

IT'S VERY GOOD.

THE NEW TERM'S COMING UP, AND...

I NEED SOME FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE.

I WAS HOPING MAYBE YOU WOULD HELP ME OUT.

JUSTIN, I TOLD YOU WHEN YOU WERE APPLYING TO COLLEGES...

I KNOW WHAT YOU TOLD ME.

BUT NOW THAT I'VE COMPLETED

MY FIRST YEAR WITH HONOURS...

IN SPITE OF THE HAND,

I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU WOULD CHANGE YOUR MIND.

LOOK, I CAN'T GET A SCHOLARSHIP BECAUSE YOU MAKE TOO MUCH MONEY.

AND I CAN'T GO TO SCHOOL AND WORK FULL-TIME.

WHAT ABOUT BRIAN?

WE'RE NOT TOGETHER ANY MORE.

FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS.

I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU'VE COME TO YOUR SENSES.

NOW, IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT GOING TO DARTMOUTH OR...

DAD.

I'M NEVER GOING TO BE A BUSINESSMAN.

AND I'M NEVER GOING TO BE STRAIGHT.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU WERE A KID,

THE ONE THING THAT MEANT THE MOST TO YOU,

EVEN MORE THAN MAKING YOUR MOTHER HAPPY, WAS MAKING ME PROUD.

WHENEVER YOU GOT AN "A" ON A TEST OR A REPORT CARD,

IT WAS ALWAYS ME YOU CAME RUNNING TO.

AND NO FATHER EVER COULD HAVE BEEN PROUDER OF HIS SON

THAN I WAS OF YOU.

NOW YOU'RE ASHAMED?

N-NO...

THAT I'M NOT THE MAN YOU WANTED ME TO BE?

WELL...

I AM THE MAN THAT I WANT TO BE.

I'M THE ONLY MAN THAT I CAN BE.

IF YOU CAN'T BE PROUD OF ME FOR THAT, THEN...

THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.

GIVE ME THE KEYS.

I'M TAKING THE FUCKING CAR AND I'M GOING TO LEAVE YOU HERE.

THAT'S FINE WITH ME.

GIVE ME MY PHONE!

THANK YOU.

THE BATTERY'S ALMOST DEAD.

I KNOW. I WAS FEEDING ON ITS ENERGY.

BEN?

BEN, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

I'M GOING TO BE A LITTLE LATE.

I'LL EXPLAIN LATER.

HELLO?

HELLO?

SHIT! I LOST HIM.

WELL AS LONG AS YOU'RE HERE

YOU MIGHT AS WELL TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES...

AND JOIN THE PARTY. I DON'T WANT TO.

YOU KNOW, THIS REMINDS ME OF THE FIRST TIME I BLINDFOLDED YOU

AND TOOK YOU TO THE LIBERTY BATHS.

YOU WERE SO HOT!

WALKING UP AND DOWN THE HALLS

IN YOUR CORDUROYS AND YOUR FLANNEL.

LOOSEN UP. I SAID NO.

YOU'D RATHER WATCH?

THAT CAN BE ARRANGED.

YOU SEE THAT FINE, UPSTANDING YOUNG MAN

OVER THERE?

FIRST, I'M GOING TO WEAR OUT HIS JAW ON MY COCK.

THEN, I'M GOING TO REACH AROUND... BACK,

AND START FINGERING...

WHY NOT SEE FOR YOURSELF?

I NEED TO GET SOME WORK DONE... IN PEACE.

I DON'T ENVY YOU BREADWINNERS. HUH.

DO YOU MIND IF WE NOT TALK ABOUT BREAD? I'M...

TRYING TO WATCH MY CARBS.

HOW ABOUT SOME EGGS?

DON'T EVEN MENTION EGGS.

EGGS ARE THE LAST THING I WANT TO THINK OF.

ANY PROBLEM WITH PRUNES?

MEL, HONEY.

AFTER A HEALTHY BREAKFAST,

THE BEST WAY TO START THE DAY

IS BY TELLING ME...

WHAT THE FUCK'S GOING ON?

LINDSAY SAYS IF I WANT ANOTHER BABY,

I SHOULD CARRY IT MYSELF.

SOUNDS FAIR TO ME.

EVEN IF I COULD, I... I...

I-I NEVER PICTURED MYSELF THE...

"BIRTHING BABIES" TYPE.

YEAH, ALL THE FUSS AND THE MUSS...

AND, UH... WELL, IT'S DEFINITELY NOT FOR CONTROL FREAKS

OR THE FAINT OF HEART.

HMM. AH-H,

THAT LET'S ME OUT.

YOU SEE, MY LIFE WORKS BEST

WHEN IT'S GOING ACCORDING TO PLAN.

MY PLAN. AND... AS FOR PAIN, PAIN IS...

DEFINITELY NOT ON MY "TO DO" LIST.

SO YOU'D RATHER LEAVE THE DIRTY WORK TO HER.

NO, THAT'S NOT IT.

WELL WHAT IS IT, THEN?

IT'S THAT SHE'S...

BRAVER, AND STRONGER,

AND A BETTER WOMAN...

THAN I'LL EVER BE.

THAT'S THE BIGGEST LOAD OF HORSESHIT I'VE EVER HEARD.

I'M NOT TELLING YOU IT ISN'T SCARY.

'CAUSE IT'S FUCKING TERRIFYING.

AND I'M NOT TELLING YOU THAT IT ISN'T PAINFUL.

ALTHOUGH IT SEEMS I'VE FORGOTTEN THAT.

BUT I AM TELLING YOU THAT HAVING A KID

IS THE NUMBER ONE, TOP-RATED EXPERIENCE

IN MY LIFE.

AND I'D HATE TO SEE YOU DEPRIVE YOURSELF OF ALL OF THAT

BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU'RE NOT WOMAN ENOUGH.

PFFF.

HOW ABOUT I GET YOU SOME EGGS AND A NICE FRESH BUN?

OKAY.

DIDN'T EXPECT YOU UP SO EARLY

AFTER GETTING IN SO LATE.

IT WAS 1:30-ISH.

YEAH. TRY 2:45-ISH.

HE KIDNAPPED ME.

HE KIDNAPPED YOU.

YEAH, AND THEN HE TOOK MY CELL PHONE,

AND SHOVED IT DOWN HIS PANTS.

WELL, THAT IS DEFINITELY OUT OF YOUR CALLING AREA, HUH?

I'M REALLY SORRY.

I'M THE ONE WHO TOLD YOU TO HANG OUT WITH HIM.

ALTHOUGH I DID THINK

THAT WHEN YOU ASKED ME TO MOVE IN WITH YOU,

YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY BE HERE FROM TIME TO TIME.

I WANTED TO BE.

I GUESS THIS WASN'T SUCH A GOOD IDEA. WHAT?

US LIVING TOGETHER.

OF COURSE IT IS!

NO, WE DIDN'T PLAN ON IT, MICHAEL.

IT JUST HAPPENED OUT OF CIRCUMSTANCE. SO?

SO MAYBE WE'RE NOT READY.

WELL... MAYBE THERE ARE SOME THINGS IN OUR LIVES

WE NEED TO WORK OUT FIRST. WHAT...

MAYBE I SHOULD FIND MY OWN APARTMENT.

DON'T USE UP ALL YOUR ENERGY, BUNNY.

GOT TO SAVE SOME FOR OUR WORKOUT.

HUH! IT'S...

UH... OH!

OW! OW.

SWEETIE, WHAT'S WRONG?

I, UH... I THINK I PULLED A MUSCLE.

HAH. OH, YOU POOR BABY.

I, UH... YOU KNOW, IT'S... IT'S OKAY, UM...

I THINK I JUST NEED TO PUT SOME HEAT ON IT. I'M GOING TO, AH...

I'M GOING TO GO TO THE STEAM ROOM. OH YES.

OKAY, IT'S...

HEY, SWEET THING!

HEY! UH...

UH, TEDDY, THIS IS DIJON.

LIKE THE MUSTARD.

S... UH, THIS IS TED, MY BOYFRIEND.

THE ONE I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH.

RIGHT.

I'M ON A FLIGHT TONIGHT TO MIAMI.

OH, THANK GOD. HUH.

I MEAN, UM... THANK GOD FOR YOU!

GETTING OUT OF HERE... COLD...

AND, UM...

WHEN I, UH, GET BACK,

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A CALL.

WHY SHOULD HE GIVE YOU A CALL?

H-HE'S A, UM...

HE'S A FLIGHT ATTENDANT.

SO I THINK HE MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET US AN UPGRADE.

WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

WHY WAS HE TOUCHING YOU LIKE THAT?

UM, YOU KNOW, HE WAS GIVEN AN AWARD FOR SERVICE.

HE'S VERY ATTENTIVE.

YEAH, I NOTICED.

YOU DID IT WITH HIM, DIDN'T YOU?

WELL, AT LEAST I KNOW WHAT MUSCLE YOU PULLED.

I'M AFRAID I DON'T SEE WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

THE PROBLEM IS, THAT UNLESS MR. TAYLOR

IS ALLOWED TO CONTINUE HIS STUDIES,

THE WORLD IS GOING TO BE DEPRIVED

OF HIS STAGGERING GIFT.

AND THAT WOULD BE A SHAME.

IS THERE ANY WAY

THAT I CAN DEFER TUITION

UNTIL I CAN FIGURE OUT SOME WAY TO GET A LOAN?

YOU DON'T NEED A LOAN.

HOW ELSE IS HE SUPPOSED TO PAY?

IT'S ALREADY BEEN PAID.

IT'S IN YOUR FILE.

YOU... YOU SAID YOUR ASSHOLE FATHER REFUSED.

HE DID.

I MEAN, I THOUGHT HE DID.

WELL, APPARENTLY HE CHANGED HIS MIND.

WELL, WHATEVER YOU SAID TO HIM, IT WORKED.

CONGRATULATIONS, MR. TAYLOR.

THE WORLD CAN NOW ANTICIPATE YOUR GIFT.

I SHOULD STAND HIM UP, SAME AS ANY MAN'LL DO.

AND YOU THINK THAT TO KILL HIM

WILL MAKE YOU A MAN?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

AND I KNOW THAT I THOUGHT ABOUT HIM

EVERY DAY FOR FIVE YEARS.

AND THAT WAS THE ONLY THING THAT KEPT ME GOING.

DO YOU?

THERE ARE NOT MANY CHANCES IN LIFE

TO BE HAPPY.

AND I THINK THAT WE HAVE A GOOD ONE NOW.

WON'T YOU TRY TO FORGET THIS...

YOU PLANNING ON COMING IN?

IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, THERE'S NO ONE ELSE HERE.

FOR A CHANGE.

IS THAT A NEW COFFEE TABLE?

MIES VAN DER ROHE. HMMM.

MUST'VE COST A FORTUNE. YEP.

I WENT BY THE BURSARY'S OFFICE TODAY.

I CAN'T ACCEPT IT.

WHAT? TUITION.

OH, THAT.

WHY, IS SOMEONE ELSE COVERING IT?

NO.

WELL THEN, YOU CAN'T AFFORD NOT TO.

BUT WE'RE NOT TOGETHER ANY MORE.

WE SIGNED AN AGREEMENT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO HONOUR IT.

A DEAL'S A DEAL.

I COULD BE POOR FOR A LONG TIME.

YEAH WELL, KNOWING YOUR TASTES, YOU'D BETTER NOT BE.

IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE A SHITLOAD OF GREAT MONEYMAKING OPPORTUNITIES.

YOU HAVE ONE.

AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?

THANK YOU.

NOT THAT.

THAT.

YOUR COMPUTER. I PACKED IT FOR YOU.

IT'S YOURS.

BULLSHIT.

YOU NEED IT.

TAKE IT.

I LOVE YOU.

WAIT A MINUTE...

THE GRANDFATHER CLAUSE?

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D USE SUCH A LUDICROUS EXCUSE!

IT SEEMED TO MAKE SENSE WHEN BRIAN EXPLAINED IT.

OR THAT YOU'D EVEN GO TO...

GULDEN'S HOUSE TO TELL HIM YOU COULDN'T SEE HIM.

DIJON. YEAH, WHATEVER!

HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF THE PHONE?

COREY, DON'T RUB IT RAW, OKAY?

YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER HOUR AND A HALF. WOULD YOU GO, PLEASE?

YOU KNOW THE ONE THING I WISH

MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW?

I WISH THAT I COULD TALK TO MY BEST FRIEND, TEDDY.

HE'S ALWAYS SO... WISE AND CARING.

ONLY NOW HE'S MY BOYFRIEND. AND...

WELL, THERE'S JUST SOME THINGS...

YOU CAN'T SAY TO YOUR BOYFRIEND, NO MATTER...

HOW MUCH Y-YOU LOVE HIM.

ALL RIGHT. WHAT IS IT?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.

I MEAN, I... I MUST BE CRAZY.

I NO SOONER GET TOGETHER WITH THIS REALLY...

WONDERFUL GUY,

THAN I GO AND DO SOMETHING

WITH SOMEONE THAT MEANS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...

TO ME.

I MEAN... WHY DO I DO THESE THINGS?

BECAUSE YOU NEVER MET A COCK YOU DIDN'T LIKE.

IT'S PART OF YOUR CHARM, SO...

DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF.

THAT'S YOUR BEST FRIEND SPEAKING.

BUT AS YOUR BOYFRIEND,

I HAVE TO SAY THAT WHAT YOU DID

WAS A FLAGRANT BETRAYAL.

I'M NOT SURE THAT I CAN EVER TRUST YOU AGAIN.

THEN AGAIN,

AS YOUR... BEST FRIEND, IT'S...

UNDERSTANDABLE THAT YOU'D GIVE IN TO TEMPTATION.

I MEAN, YOU'VE BEEN SINGLE ALL THESE YEARS.

IT'S NOT EASY TO JUST SETTLE DOWN OVERNIGHT.

STILL, IT'S ONE THING TO KNOW THAT

AS YOUR BEST FRIEND,

IT'S ANOTHER THING TO ACCEPT IT AS YOUR LOVER.

I'M SORRY, TEDDY.

FOR HURTING YOU.

AND...

FOR DESTROYING WHAT WE MIGHT'VE HAD.

HERE.

THESE AREN'T USUALLY USED FOR WIPING TEARS.

BUT... YEAH, I KNOW.

I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR HATING ME.

I DON'T HATE YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

I KNOW YOU VERY WELL.

AND I STILL LOVE YOU.

ARE YOU, UH...

ARE YOU SAYING THAT AS MY...

BEST FRIEND? OR MY LOVER?

BOTH?

I'M SORRY, HONEY.

I'M SO SORRY. I KNOW.

I KNOW.

YOU'RE OPEN LATE.

INVENTORY.

I SUPPOSE YOU CAME FOR THIS.

HMMM.

$600?

THAT'S WHAT WE'VE MADE ON "RAGE" SO FAR, MINUS THE COSTS.

I MEANT TO BRING IT BY THE DINER, BUT...

OKAY.

I WAS THINKING.

WHAT IF J.T.

PLAYS THE TRUMPET FOR HIS HIGH SCHOOL BAND,

AND RAGE TEACHES HIM WITH HIS...

MIND CONTROL POWERS, TO PLAY A NOTE

SO LOUD AND SO HIGH,

THAT HE CAN BLOW THINGS UP?

LIKE HIS HOMOPHOBIC PRINCIPAL?

NOT BAD.

IT'S FUCKING GENIUS AND YOU KNOW IT.

EXCEPT I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO WORK TOGETHER ANY MORE.

A DEAL'S A DEAL.

WHERE ARE YOU?

Where you never grow old.

WHAT? Where everything is beautiful.

I SHOULD'VE GUESSED. Come on, Mikey.

We can be beautiful together, just you and me. I... I CAN'T TONIGHT.

I've got some great shit. I SAID I CAN'T.

I-I'VE GOTTA GO HOME. HOME? What?

YEAH, AND IF I'M LUCKY HE'LL BE THERE.

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