Original subtitles

My.Life.As.A.Zucchini.2016. Enjoy the movie. Cheers!

Liar!

They're all liars!

Liar!

What's going on?

Zucchini!

Zucchini, answer when Mom calls you!

Yes, Mom.

And who will clean up after you? Mom!

Zucchini!

I didn't do it on purpose!

I'm sorry!

What am I going to do with you?

You're going to get the spanking of your life!

- No, please Mom, no! -You're gonna feel it!

No!

MY LIFE AS A ZUCCHINI

How old are you, son?

Nine.

Was your mom nice to you?

She... She drank a lot of beer.

But she made good mashed potatoes

and sometimes we had fun together.

Yes...

And other times not.

OK... Where's your father?

Here...

And there's my dad's chick.

Mom always said he liked chicks very much.

Alright...

Listen, I'm taking you to a place

with other children like you.

Who have no dad and no mom.

But I have a mom!

Your mom is gone, Icare.

My name's Zucchini!

Zucchini...

Did your mom call you that?

I’m Raymond.

Did your mom call you that?

Shall we fly your kite?

Come on, boy!

Hello, Sir.

Hello, Madam.

This is Icare.

But I think he'd rather be called Zucchini.

Zucchini?

This is what his mom called him

and I think it's important for him.

Isn't that right, son? Come on...

Welcome to the Fontaines...

...Zucchini

Don't worry, you'll be fine here.

I’ll come and visit you.

- Goodbye, Madam. - Goodbye, Sir.

Will you come with us?

Rosy will show you your room.

Here's a big drawer for all your things.

Look!

I'll let you do it, and this is your bed.

Is everything alright?

OK, put your things away and I'll be waiting in the hall.

Good morning, Ma'am!

Children, this is your new friend, Icare.

- Zucchini. -Yes uh, sorry...

Your new friend, Zucchini.

- I'd say potato, with that head. - Simon, that's enough!

Quiet! Quiet, children!

Well, uh... I'm off!

- See you later, Mr. Paul. - See you later.

Sit down, son.

Let's continue!

So, as I was telling you, the cow is a ruminant.

Which means that it ruminates.

It eats the grass the first time

without chewing, so it regurgitates in its stomach

and then quietly chews it.

So children, we don't know exactly why the animal developed this...

Welcome to prison, potato!

Oooooh, things will get very hot for potato!

It's really roomy in there after all that digging.

Stop it, Simon!

Move over!

So, potato, why are you here?

Tell us.

Come on, tell us!

Why did they bring you here?

Wait, those are potatos on your plate!

You're a potato who eats potatos?

Isn't that a bit weird? Hey guys, potato's a cannibal!

That's enough, Simon!

Your parents threw you out! Because your parents didn't want you anymore.

A rotten potato!

Into the rubbish dump!

Won't you cut it out?

Shut up, big trap!

Hey guys, look! Alice is in vibrator mode.

Look at you with your bandages!

Rosy put them on because I had a headache!

That's enough of you and your fork!

Anyway, I'll find out why you're here.

I’ll find out!

Yet another moron!

Come on, it's time!

In your dormitory!

Night-night, boys. Sweet dreams.

Tonight, straight to bed, boys!

Zucchini is already asleep.

Ahmed, have you peed yet?

Uh... I think so!

-Think so, or know so? - I... think so.

You're completely nuts, man!

Yeah, totally nuts!

- Ahmed, the girlie who wets his bed! -That's enough!

- Come on! - He hit me!

Shush! Kisses all round, then lights out.

- Night-night. -Thanks!

See you tomorrow!

ls the potato asleep?

No, the potato's not sleeping.

And it won't sleep all night.

It's gone really high!

Come on, let me try, please!

Wow, look how it flies!

Leave that!

Oh yeah? And what will you do if I don't leave it?

Will you take out your magic wand, Harry Potato?

Harry Potato, rubbish!

Fight, fight, fight!

Beat him up!

Kung Fu Zucchini!

Don't you ever touch my kite again, get it?

No, no I don't get it.

If you touch my stuff once again, I'll break your arm.

Wow, ace Zucchini!

-That's too much! -This guy is too strong...

Well we were quietly playing football, and he arrived from behind

and jumped on me.

Zucchini? You're not saying anything?

I want to go home, to my mom.

Leave us a minute, Simon, will you?

It's impossible, Zucchini.

Your mom's gone, she's in heaven.

But you'll be fine here.

I promise!

Hey, potato!

Zucchini!

My parents took drugs.

Both of them.

All the time.

So I was brought here.

You don't want to tell me why you're here?

I can tell you about all the others.

I know their case histories by heart.

D'you see Bea? Well, her mother was deported.

She was sent back to Africa while Bea was at school.

Jujube, his mother spends her time opening and closing the fridge.

Click clack, click clack, all the time.

Or she starts scrubbing the toilets for weeks.

She's completely nuts.

Come on, I'm here! Shoot!

Ahmed's father, well, he held up a store.

Can you imagine, a holdup?

In a service mall, to buy him sneakers.

Do you want me to go and get Rosy?

Alice, her father, he used to do creepy things to her, disgusting stuff.

I'm not quite sure what...

And Alice, she used to have nightmares every night.

He's in jail now.

Well I think I killed my mom.

But I didn't mean to.

I didn't do it on purpose.

We're all the same.

There's nobody left to love us.

Well... In the morning we get up...

And Ahmed, he's peed in his bed again.

And then we wash.

Except Simon, because Simon always pretends he washes.

Jujube, he eats the toothpaste.

Because his mom, she told him it'd be good for his health.

This is the orangutan.

The gorilla.

At school, Mr. Paul tells us the story of the people who were here before us.

They lived when soap didn't exist.

And then, they never showered.

Like Simon!

Sir!

And then Jujube asks to go to the infirmary.

Because of the toothpaste.

And in the meantime, we play Cro-Magnon.

Alright, very good. It sounds like fun.

Yeah, it's fun.

What's the matter, son?

It won't be as nice when you stop coming.

You think I come because I have to?

I don't know, it's your job.

Well no, it's not my job. I come to see you because I like you.

I like you too.

They don't like cops, I think.

Particularly Ahmed, he thinks you sent his father to jail.

Hello, Ma'am!

Mom!

What the hell does she want?

Come on, hop! Let's go!

Move your bum, I don't have all day!

Well...

She's rather uninviting, that one.

She's probably in her room.

Poor little darling.

It's so hard, so hard!

No, she's not here.

She must be in the courtyard.

My name's Camille.

And I'm Zucchini.

Hey newcomer, tell us a bit why you're here!

- Oh, are you the boss? - Correct.

- And we must do everything you say? -Yeah that's right, you got it!

This is how you talk to girls!

OK.

I’m here...

because every morning,

my mom...

she forced me...

to go to school dressed as a dinosaur.

Oh yeah?

Hey, don't mess around with me!

Watch out, I wouldn't laugh if I were you.

I like dinosaurs so much!

You freaks!

See you later, boss!

- Hey, Simon! - Yeah, kid?

Can I ask you something?

- Do you know how THE thing's done? - What thing?

The thing, with girls and boys.

I know it all by heart, my parents had films.

It's kind of strange.

Well if you want to, you wriggle a bit like this,

then the girl wriggles too, and then bah...

- Pow, you see! - What pow? Does the willy explode?

-Yeah, it explodes! - Seriously Simon!

I mean you're exhausted.

- I'm sooo tired! - And what does it do to girls?

Well, girls sweat a lot, and they keep saying they agree.

Like, "Oh yes, yes, yes!" Like this.

Ah!

You're very silent, Zucchini.

Zucchini!

Oh no, but that's because he's in love!

Yeah? You're in love?

Rubbish!

But of course, man! It's obvious miles off that you're in love with Camille.

No, I'd just like to know why she's here.

But we know why she's here, it's because of that dinosaur thing.

I know why she's here!

Well, do you really want to know why she's here?

-You're sure? - Shush!

- What if we get caught? - Do you want to know or not?

Yes.

Hold this!

Oh yes, got it!

Interesting!

OK well, if you need to know, she killed a guy.

Because he was in love with her.

What?

I’d be careful if I were you...

Your chick's got an issue with guys with vegetable names.

The guy's name was Carrot.

- Stop it! -You're scared, aren't you?

For real... her father, he killed her mother.

Because she loved someone else.

And uh...

- He committed suicide. - Show me that!

And it even says that Camille, she saw it all.

Here. Look.

Oh yeah...

Lt shines in her eyes,

that she saw it all.

"CHILDREN'S WEATHER"

Hey Jujube, take a look!

Well, this is called foreplay.

And if Rosy, if she were in a bed with Mr. Paul,

Rosy, she would be sweating ten times more.

And Mr. Paul would have his willy exploding.

- Is it true or isn't it, Simon? - What D'you think? Of course it's true!

- It's disgusting! - Come on, it's just because he's in love.

He squeezes her tight because he's afraid she'll go.

Oh, alright.

So kids, ready to discover snow?

- Sir, Sir! -Yes, Ahmed?

I want to ask a question! Uh, in fact is your willy alright?

Ahmed, what are you saying?

If his willy explodes, we won't be able to see the snow.

What's this? So what's this, potato?

- Don't touch it! - Guys, the potato's a drunkard!

Give it to me! It's a souvenir from my mom!

- Don't you touch it! - Cool, man!

It's a bit cold here!

- So, who's thirsty? - Me!

Behave, OK?

Your glasses are so cool!

Hey, I can see myself!

- Want to try them on? -Yeah!

Wow! Oh, that's classy!

What's this?

Little thief!

Where's your mother?

She left with a man, and she doesn't want to see me ever again.

- And your father? - He's in prison.

You are a thief, and you're a liar too!

No, I'm not lying! I don't lie, Ma'am.

Come on, darling, let's go.

No, I'm not the liar, I don't lie!

Come on!

Cool!

Watch out!

We're going faster! We're going faster!

Oh! Look!

His mom is pretty.

Maybe she's not his mom.

Hey, are you asleep?

No.

And you? Are you asleep?

Me either.

And you?

Still not.

Shush! Come!

I have something for you. For your birthday.

But my birthday's already been.

I know, but we didn't know each other 3 months ago.

So, I couldn't make you a gift. Here!

How do you know my birthday was three months ago?

I went sneaking into Mrs. Papineau's office.

So you know everything.

Well, yes.

When my parents died, I went to live with my aunt.

The one who brought me the other day.

She's a real witch, I swear.

As soon as we're alone together, she shouts at me constantly.

Now... the home's good.

Sometimes I dream I'm grown up and I'm still with my mom.

She's still talking to herself, drinking beer.

And I drink a lot, too.

I'm quite happy to know it will never happen.

If I hadn't been brought here, I wouldn't have known you.

Where have you been?

Did you make your willy explode?

We made the most of the snow, we're leaving tomorrow.

Oh no, I don't want to leave, it was my dream to see the snow.

And to ride a horse.

Come on! Snowball battle, girls against boys!

We're out of ammunition!

Hi, Raymond. Here, everything's fine.

You know, something unbelievable happened.

Look Ahmed, if you lay your hand here, very softly, you will feel something.

Rosy is expecting a baby.

- Can you feel it? - Yeah!

It's because of Mr. Paul's willy, I think.

And we were so scared she'd leave.

She said he'd be everybody's little brother.

We decided to call him Spiderman.

Otherwise, I'm really looking forward to seeing you.

Oh yes, there's something else I wanted to tell you!

The new girl's called Camille.

362, 363, 364, 365...

- What's your record? - My record is 747.

-You're good! - I'd like to get to 1,000.

I read in a book that the world record is 27,057.

The girl, she jumped for 13 hours. Can you imagine?

Oh yeah, not bad.

347, 348, 349...

3, 2, 1...

Mom!

Oh no, what the hell is she doing here?

Camille?

- I don't understand. - She refuses to see you.

- I saw you nutters! - What are you doing?

Nothing...

What's this letter?

It's a letter from my mom...

Why don't you open it?

I'm good at opening letters, give it to me!

- Wow, an MP3 player! - Lucky you!

- Is there a letter with it? - No.

Sorry, man.

Did she say so?

- I'm sorry but... - She's traumatized.

She doesn't want to betray her poor mother and...

Yes, it's possible, this tragedy must have shocked her terribly.

Just be patient!

I'll give her all the time she needs if she'd come and live with me.

Let's first see how the weekend goes.

Oh it's disgusting, it's gross.

Let's go, guys!

What's happening to you?

We saw Camille's aunt! I swear, when you look up close, it's scary!

Poor Camille, I wouldn't like to live with such a woman!

-Thank God she's not moving there! - Of course she is, Mrs. Papineau said so.

What?

There's something I don't understand,

why does she want you to live with her, if she doesn't like you?

It's for the money... If I live at her place, she'll get a lot of money.

You know... If I have to go back, I'll kill myself.

Or I'll kill her...

I won't let you go.

Mom!

Are you ready, shall we go?

- Sorry, they... -They don't like cops, I know.

OK, wait here and I'll tell Mrs. Papineau we're leaving.

- Oh, it's heavy! - So heavy!

Come on guys, hurry up!

Next time, I’ll kick your friend's ass!

But your bag's enormous!

Here we go!

Well, you're awfully quiet...

Tell me, this girl you told me about...

What is she like?

Not bad!

Only "not bad"?

You seemed more enthusiastic in your letter.

Her hair...

She has soft hair...

Long...

And she has eyes that go right through me.

What color are they?

What the hell?

- I wanted Camille to come with us! - Why didn't you ask?

Her aunt wouldn't have agreed.

- OK, we're going back. - No!

If I go back there, I'll have to go to my aunt's and she'll beat me.

Alright, alright.

But I must tell the home.

Yes...

Yes, fine.

Yes, Sir, very good.

I’ll check with her aunt.

Are you alright, Zucchini?

That's my home.

Do you want to go and have a look?

What's this?

This is where my mom used to measure me.

Here... It's when I repeated a year.

And here, when my father left.

And here... I can't remember.

Well... Ln any case, you've grown a lot!

Raymond, watch out!

Watch out, get down!

I would have been a lousy cowboy!

OK, give it to me!

Cool!

- We had a pistol at home. - Just like in a western!

It's, it's my father who taught me how to shoot...

He...

And...

Yeah, I know.

Well... We'd like the biggest teddy bear possible, please Ma'am.

-Your kids are beautiful! - Oh, they're not my...

Thanks...

- She left with Zucchini. - What do you mean, "Zucchini"?

I mean Icare, who's with the policeman.

A zucchini, a policeman, what's all this?

- She hid in the car of the... - A policeman who steals children.

You call that a gentleman?

But she hid in his car! He didn't know!

What's for sure is that she didn't want to spend the weekend with you.

Camille must spend the weekend with me!

- Where does this man live? - Be reasonable.

It's Camille's choice.

Oh please, children don't have will!

I’ll go and get her!

Excuse me, Ma'am, excuse me!

Could you please give this to Camille?

What's this thing?

It's... her lucky charm,

she forgot it.

Well, if it's her lucky charm, it changes everything!

ls this you when you were younger?

- No, it's my son. -You have a son?

Yes! But he lives very far away. I don't see him anymore.

Sometimes, children abandon their parents.

Shall we continue the visit?

- It's the jungle here! - I like to grow stuff.

ls this where we sleep?

- Alright with you? -Yes!

Stop! Stop it!

You know, in the bus...

I wasn't sleeping.

They're not in bed!

And they're doing filthy things!

Come, my little darling. We're going home.

Being kidnapped by a cop, unbelievable!

Let me go!

- Let her go now! - I'll file a complaint!

Camille didn't want to stay with you. I think she has her reasons.

I'll file a complaint! She's coming with me.

And the judge will agree with me!

I don't think it was a good idea, I’m starting to have hallucinations.

This french fry is talking to me!

What is it telling you? Is it saying "Eat me, eat me, eat me, fatso"?

What's the matter here?

Aren't you eating?

You don't like it?

We're on a hunger strike, until Camille comes back.

But Camille will come back!

She'll come back to see the judge, and he'll decide if her aunt can keep her.

Dear Camille...

Since you left, we don't laugh much.

We tried to go on a hunger strike, but it didn't work out.

And Beatrice's mom came.

She hid in Rosy's arms.

I want to stay with you.

And Ahmed, he's wet his bed again.

What...

1, 2. 1, 2.

This is Simon. If you can hear me, raise your arm.

No, the other one.

Sorry, I couldn't help pulling your leg.

OK, the situation's pretty bad.

So now, listen carefully.

You're a tramp like your mother.

But your stupidity is actually in my favor.

The judge won't like that!

You've dug your own grave, you silly girl!

Your Honor, I'll give her an excellent education,

healthy surroundings, comfort, and most of all, tons of love.

I love her like my own daughter.

And on top of that, Camille and I get along so well.

She doesn't seem that thrilled.

You must understand, after the trauma she's been through...

She must feel she's betraying her mother.

Camille, what do you think about it? Would you like to live with your aunt?

You will admit that after what happened,

I'm worried about her safety in this...

institution, whose lax ways leave a lot to be desired.

You are a tramp like your mother!

Running away with a boy, shame on you!

The home's totally useless!

The judge won't like that!

Give it to me!

Stop, stop, stop! ! !

You've dug your own grave!

- What are you dressed up as, Alice? - As a pirate.

- What are you dressed up as? - As a mummy.

- What are you dressed up as, Beatrice? - As Camille.

So Super Zucchini, what are your powers? Can you make vegetables grow faster?

And you, what are you dressed up as? A nutter?

Yeah, remind me who saved you?!

He's dressed up as a cop!

Watch out, Sir, I still don't like cops.

But then, I think I'll keep the hat.

- So, when are you coming back? - Soon!

How soon?

Actually, Zucchini... I’ve talked to the judge...

I've talked to the judge because I'd like to be your foster home.

Yours and Camille's...

- It means you're taking us in? - Uh...Yes.

And you'd be our family? Even if you're alone?

That's right.

You'll come and live in my house, with me.

Actually, it would be your home...

If you like.

- Does Camille know? - Yes, the judge has told her.

And what did she say?

I don't know, but you have time to think about it...

You and Camille. OK?

Alright then, see you soon, son!

See you soon, Raymond!

I wanted to thank you all... for saving my life.

Most of all Simon, thank you.

And I never thought...

that life could be so cool. And with you here, it's really cool.

- We'll stay together for our entire life! - Cool!

No, it's not true, we won't stay together forever!

Camille and Zucchini are clearing out, with the cop on top of that!

Hey, Simon.

Simon...

We're not leaving, Simon!

We want to stay here!

It's not fair, if we leave! It's so nice all together here!

Simon...

You have to leave...

You don't know how rare it is for people to adopt children as big as us.

Yeah but no, you must go for us.

Get it?

A cop and a superhero hugging!

It's a bit weird, isn't it?

Simon, Simon, a little more to the left!

That's it!

Don't move!

Stop playing the fools!

Come on. And it's a picture for real!

Careful! Cheese!

Yeah!

OK buzz off, Super Zucchini!

Goodbye!

OK, let's race. The last to finish...

will wash my pants until the end of his life!

This is the day you became my children!

Do you like it?

- Are you alright, Camille? - Yes.

I don't know why I'm crying!

Sometimes we cry because we're happy.

Right, Raymond?

Yeah, uh...

Dear Simon,

You said the home was a place for those without anyone left to love them.

But you've made a mistake because we haven't forgotten you!

And the others, neither.

He opened his eyes!

Ah, he won't let go!

- What's his name then? - Antoine.

- It's pretty. - Yes, but Spiderman was better still!

Will he live here all the time?

No.

- Unless you abandon him! - I’m not going to do that!

Even if... even if he's super ugly?

Even if he smells like poo?

Even if he cries all the time?

- Even if he wets his bed? - If he's hopeless at school?

- Even if he's stupid? - Even if he eats like a pig?

Even if he forgets his name and has stinky feet?

Even if he's unbearable and keeps yelling constantly?

Even if he farts?

- Even if he scribbles on walls? - Even if he wants to be a cop?

- Even if... - Even if his neck is as long as a giraffe's?

Even if he's a punk?

3YEARS EARLIER...

Next!

Hello!

Come and sit here.

We're just going to ask you a couple of questions.

My mom says I shouldn't speak to strangers.

So, would you like to be in a film?

Oh, yeah!

Like Shrek!

Except I...

I don't know how to fart.

All I do is burp.

You do that well!

Don't know...

Well...

Everyone at school makes fun of me...

Except Salah...

She laughs at everything!

What if we asked you to play a boy who lost his parents?

Well, since my parents got divorced...

They don't love each other anymore and they've got loads of problems...

I don't know...

Sometimes I'm a bit sad inside...

Can I ask you something, mister?

Yes, of course!

Is it you that chose the name "Zucchini"?

No, it wasn't me, that's the name in the book.

It's his mother, in the book, who calls her son "Zucchini."

Why? You don't like "Zucchini"?

Well... Zucchini, it stinks...

It's really girly!

- Ah... - Cheeky little bugger...

If I'm chosen for the film, can I change the name?