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(dog barking)

Mom, it's 6:45.

Mom! It's 6:45.

Again?

No. Dummy.

Oh... Oh! Oh.

(meows)

What are you eating?

A doughnut. For breakfast?

I put peanut butter on it.

What are these dishes doing in the sink? It was your turn to do them.

I'll do 'em tonight.

Is that when you're gonna put everything else away?

What's wrong with the refrigerator?

It's warm. It must've broke down during the night.

Didn't I just have it fixed?

Didn't I just pay those guys $47?

Thieves, all of them. Goddamn thieves.

God damn it! Why won't that door lock?

It's warped because of the rain.

With any luck, they'll steal the refrigerator.

(sputters and jerks)

What's wrong with it?

It's a year older than you are.

(car backfires and sputters)

Hey, why don't you get a new muffler, lady?

Why don't you try living on a teacher's salary?

I'm in a terrific mood today, aren't I?

Why do you stay up all night marking exams?

I have 18 kids flunking English.

18 out of 39 does not exactly give a teacher a sense of accomplishment.

It had a big engine.

How you doin', man?

Hey, Barry, how's it going?

(Nora) What do you want for dinner tonight?

(Michael) Oh, I don't care.

You had I don't care last night.

Anything.

What's up, Mike?

Hi, Steve.

I thought they expelled that one.

Oh, he's all right. Well, I gotta go.

Where's my kiss? Oh, I owe you one.

Ah, ah, I don't give credit. Come here.

Sorry to put you through torture, but it gets me through the day.

(boy) Sixth period. (girl) OK, I'll come.

Hey, how you doin', Mike?

What's goin' on with you, man?

(bell rings)

Two heels and sole.

Excuse me, I'm late for work. Would you mind terribly if I went ahead of you?

Go ahead. I got nothin' to do all day.

Aw... there you go. Thanks a lot. Bye. Thank you.

Wait a minute. Wait, uh, uh...

Sir, sir, did you see a '64 Volvo parked right there?

Sorry, lady.

Oh, no, this isn't happening. This is impossible.

Oh, my God. I can't find my car. Something wrong?

I can't find my car. You can't find your car?

No. Did you park it here?

Certainly. I parked it right here.

Oh, I don't believe this. They stole my car. Who did?

What do I know? Car thieves.

Oh, I don't believe this. The dirty bastards.

I was just standing behind her in line.

All my school papers were in there,

even the final English exam papers. I didn't even finish correcting them yet.

What happened?

Somebody stole her car.

Can I see your registration, please?

It's in the car.

You should always carry it on you.

If I ever get another car, I'll remember that.

Were there any distinguishing markings on the vehicle?

There's the dent in the fender.

Which one?

All of them. And the parking lights didn't work.

You know that's a violation?

When you catch the new owners, you can give them a ticket.

Hello, lieutenant. Thank you.

Mrs. McPhee, I'm Lieutenant Costello.

I'd like to ask you a few questions if I may.

I am so angry. I'm so goddamn angry at people.

I understand.

It's enough they stole the radio last month.

Did you leave the vehicle unlocked?

I just told you they broke into it last month.

The locks didn't work.

On each side of the vehicle?

Why do you keep calling it a vehicle? It was hardly even a car.

Don't you watch TV? We all talk like that.

You left the keys in the ignition?

Yes, I must've. They're not in my purse.

I had ten minutes' sleep last night, OK?

And you were not insured for theft?

I didn't think it would come up.

Oh, this is terrific. My first class just started.

What do you teach? English literature.

Contemporary?

Not when I show up with 39 exam papers missing.

I'm sorry. I think we have all the information we need. If you just sign there...

(siren wailing)

Who's your favorite writer?

I beg your pardon?

I took English lit at Michigan.

I was curious who your favorite writer was.

2,000 detectives in L.A., and I have an English lit major looking for my car.

I may not find your car, but my reports will be impeccable.

If my kids find out their final-exam papers are missing,

you may have a more serious case than auto theft to deal with.

Somebody should lose my kid's papers.

If I hear anything about your car, I'll let you know.

Thank you.

Austen.

What?

Jane Austen. I like a writer you can depend on.

Thackeray. I like somebody who makes you work a little.

(all talking/ music on radio)

I'm sorry I'm late.

Wendall, turn off the radio.

Patrick, get your feet off Luis.

Celia, take the gum out of your mouth.

It's not gum.

I would rather not hear what it is. Just get rid of it.

All right, I'm going to ask the class to bear with me.

I have some rather bad news. My car was stolen this morning.

(students murmur)

Where'd you lose it? Maybe I know who did it.

Third and Magnolia?

Nah, ain't none of my boys.

(class laughs)

If you're ready for the really bad news,

your final test papers were in the car.

They're gone. I don't know where they are.

I don't remember what your grades were.

What?

So now what happens?

What happens? We take the test over tomorrow, that's what happens.

(all protest)

I'm sorry. Look at it this way...

for those that passed, they're not gonna have any trouble passing again,

and for those that failed, you have an extra night to study.

Shit.

This is English, Luis. Save that discussion for Biology.

I suggest we spend the rest of the period brushing up on Shakespeare.

Get out your Hamlet books. Shakespeare.

We left off with, uh... beginning of Act Two last class.

Page 46. Luis.

Oh, man.

Do you wanna read Polonius?

Yeah. "Give him this money and these notes, Reynaldo."

Uh, Reynaldo... Wendall?

"I will, my Lord."

"Man -"

No, no. No "man." There's no "man" in the script.

"You should do marvelous wisely.

Good, Reynaldo. "Now, before - man...

There's no "before" and no "man."

Yeah, there's "before" right there.

"And before you visit him,

to make inquire of his behavior."

"My Lord, I did intendeth."

Very good.

"Marry. Well said." Oh, yeah, "Marry, well said. Very well said.

Look... Look you, sir." Man, this don't make sense.

Sure. Look you, sir. Instead of saying, "Hey, look, man,"

he's saying, "Look you, sir.

"Look you, sir."

Ha-ha. You're dumb.

(class laughs)

Man, shut up. I'm on a roll now, bro.

(bell rings)

Miss McPhee.

Maybe it's about my car.

Any news?

They found it at the bottom of Topanga Canyon. It was totaled.

Well, that's just wonderful. I'm really sorry.

Come on, I'll give you a lift home.

We'll try and figure something out.

(whistling)

(car horn honks)

Mike, get in.

Where's the car?

Well, thanks for the rides.

A very nice day. I'm sorry, that sounds insensitive.

No, not for a man who reads Thackeray.

Listen, if I was out of line,

you can file a formal complaint by dialing 555-3000.

Ask for Lieutenant Costello.

I'm in charge of formal complaints. Nice meeting ya, Mike.

Ohh.

I can't believe that you left the keys in the ignition.

Please. Be thankful I saved your shoes.

Hey, here's one.

A '64 blue Chevy Corvair, white walls and radials.

$250.

It comes in a box. You assemble it yourself.

Yeah. Well, you can't find anything decent for less than $1,000.

How much money you have in the bank?

Funny, I was just gonna ask you that.

Isn't there anybody who you can borrow from at school?

You mean teachers? Please.

What about relatives? Didn't Pop have any?

Not with any money.

Hey, what about your father?

You never talk about him.

What did he do for a living? I don't know. Whoops.

You don't know what your own father did for a living?

Well, he worked in a bank for a while,

he was an accountant, he did a lot of things.

When did he die?

He didn't. Well, he might be dead. I'm not sure.

You told me he was dead.

Yeah, well, he probably is.

I haven't seen him since before you were born.

How come?

I don't know. Look, can we change the subject?

What we need right now is a car, not a grandfather.

(doorbell rings)

Are you expecting someone? No.

Hmm. Please, God, let it be the United Way.

(doorbell rings)

Outside. What?

I said outside. Let's go.

What are you doing?

Know how to ride one of those? No.

Want to learn? No.

Afraid? Yeah.

OK, forget it. I'll see ya.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Can we stop having these Dragnet conversations and just talk like human beings?

Yes, ma'am.

Well, uh, whose is this?

Formerly smashed-up stolen property

reconstructed by the police and sold at auction to benefit needy kids

who probably stole it in the first place. It's mine.

I bought it. I use it on weekends, when I have 'em.

You want to rent it Mondays to Fridays?

For how much?

Dinners Saturdays and Sundays.

I'll pay ya $20 a week plus parts and maintenance. Does that sound fair?

What do I know? I'm not Avis. Sure. Is it a deal?

Well, you better show me how to work this thing.

OK. Put your helmet on.

Is this dangerous?

Only if you start it.

Hey, where you going?

I don't know. Keep your fingers crossed.

Your mother get a new friend?

Yeah, I guess so.

Just take a firm grip on the handle bars right here.

Put your hands right here where mine are. Uh-huh.

OK, got it? Yeah.

Now just relax. Uh-huh.

Ready? Yeah.

OK, she's all yours. Got it? Uh-huh.

Take it easy, relax. You're all right.

Don't take your hands off. Wait a minute.

You're doing fine. Now don't worry about it, OK?

You got control? No, not really.

Aah!

You're all right. Don't worry about it. Just relax.

I am trying to relax.

Ease your grip on the handle bars. You're choking the handle bars.

I'm beginning to get it.

Just keep your balance. Wait a second.

You are now proceeding the wrong way down a one-way street.

Aah! How do I make a U-turn?

You're not ready. You can't go straight.

Well, I just made one.

That doesn't mean you were ready. That's a stop sign. Yes, ya did.

I'm in the traffic. I'm riding straight.

That's good. I'm riding straight.

Watch out for the Jeep.

(speaking Spanish)

(pleads in Spanish)

Aah!

(owner yelling)

What are you doing? Hang on to me tight.

(sirens wailing)

Police officer.

Just take it easy.

Just take it easy.

Holy cow.

Would you like to come in for a cup of coffee or a medal?

I would, but I gotta be back at work in half an hour.

You mean that was leisure-time activity?

Some of us make arrests,

and some of us mark exam papers at night.

I'll see you Saturday night. We'll eat in a low-crime area.

Would - oh, thanks.

Would I be asking for trouble

if I told you I'm very impressed?

Nope. You'd be asking for this.

I think I bought a little trouble.

See you Saturday night.

Lieutenant, I don't know your first name.

I knew I'd pique your interest.

Brian.

Hey, what happened? Can you ride it?

Can I ride it?

I just made an arrest on Venice Boulevard.

Watch it.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

(Brian) Did I wake ya? No.

I thought I made a good impression tonight.

I see. Is that observation or overconfidence?

Just probing, hoping I'd get a positive response.

You really do put in a full day, don't you?

Only on the interesting cases.

Thank you. Listen, lieutenant, I have to get up at 5:30 in the morning

to practice on my bike.

I'll see you on Saturday, OK?

Hey, first line, what book?

"Buck Mulligan appeared from the stairhead bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror..."

James Joyce, Ulysses.

Terrific.

Straight A's. Magna cum laude.

I've got my work cut out with you.

I gotta go.

OK. I'll see ya Saturday. Bye.

Bye.

(phone rings)

You're not gonna quote the whole book, are you?

(man) Nora?

Oh, you remembered my name.

Now look, may I speak to you for a moment?

It won't take long for me to tell you what I have to.

Who is this?

See, that would take long. I'm just down the street.

I'd call in the morning, but it's urgent.

What's this all about?

Look, I just need five minutes of your time.

Nora, look, please don't refuse me here.

For old times' sake.

(hangs up/dial tone)

(thunder rumbling)

Uh, yes. This is Mrs. Nora McPhee.

Could I please speak to a Lieutenant Brian Costello?

(man) I'm sorry, the lieutenant is out on a call.

Oh, well, is there any way to reach him?

No, I'm afraid not. May I help you?

You see, I got this rather strange phone call,

and it's probably a prank, but it made me sort of nervous -

Ma'am, did they use any obscene language?

No, it wasn't obscene.

Let me transfer you to the officer in complaints.

Well, it's probably nothing, but would you please have him call me as soon as he could?

Does he have your number?

Yes, he has the number.

OK. I'll give him your message. Bye.

(dog barking)

(man coughs)

Who's there?

The one who just called. May I speak to you, please?

I've just called the police. They're gonna be here in five minutes.

You better tell me who you are and what you want.

Does 1125 Franklin Street, North Chicago,

apartment 2B, pink elephant wallpaper in your room

mean anything to you?

Max Dugan?

Well, I was half-hoping you'd still call me "Daddy,"

but Max'll be fine. I've got a gun.

I can assure you, I am your father.

After what you did to us, that doesn't make you any safer.

Can I come in, please?

OK.

Close that door, would ya?

Is the boy sleeping?

What boy?

Michael, my grandson.

Just about 15 now, isn't he?

Who told ya that? I get around.

Hey, listen, do you have any brandy in the house?

My blood isn't as thick as it used to be.

Try to picture me with darker hair. Mm-hmm.

Well, the teaching profession doesn't afford many luxuries, does it?

How did you find me?

Oh, I still have a few friends in Chicago.

Apparently my mother wasn't one of them.

Did you know she died last year?

I did and I'm deeply sorry. I sent her flowers anonymously.

Say, do you mind if I pull down these shades?

I wouldn't want a young attractive widow getting a bad reputation.

What is it you want?

Me? A brandy.

Wait a minute. Why are you pulling down shades?

Why'd you call me in the middle of the night, afraid to say who you are?

This window needs a new lock. Are the police after you again?

I'm a popular man. Many people seek my company.

Oh, shouldn't keep a gun with a small boy in the house.

I'm not afraid of small boys, just older men.

Look, if it's a handout you're looking for, I'm sorry.

I have too little, and you're too late.

I don't care where you've been for the last 28 years or what you've been doing.

There are no openings in this family anymore.

Family reunions aren't what they used to be.

Neither are fathers.

Quick, very quick. OK, Nora, let's make a deal.

If you won't favor me with your hospitality,

can I at least buy a drink from you?

You mean you can actually pay for it?

* Liquor by the mile

* Can take you to places... *

I think that should at least buy me a good brand of scotch.

It's $10,000. In Las Vegas, I can get 2 drinks for that.

I do have certain talents, you know.

Yes. They bought you six years in jail.

Ha-ha. Refined 'em since then.

Well, I see I'm not gonna get the drink, so, uh...

perhaps we could use the precious time

to conduct a little business.

What kind of business?

I think you might wanna sit down.

I'll decide that for myself.

Hmm. There's little doubt I've been a neglectful father, to say the very least,

but we can go into that some other time.

We could go into it now.

I am 63 years old, and according to a very reputable doctor,

if I take very good care of myself

and avoid all stress and tension,

it'd be a miracle if I lived another six months.

(thunder)

I say this not to alarm you or to elicit your sympathies,

which are vigorously undisplayed at the moment,

but merely to present you with the facts.

My heart and the surrounding valves have turned in their notice.

Now, I have enough money in that suitcase

to spend the next ten years of my life living like Hugh Hefner,

but I have neither the workable equipment to do so nor the ten years.

To complicate matters, there are certain parties

who think that six months is much too long for me to live

and would like to get their hands on me.

I'd like to buy something from you, and I'm willing to pay handsomely for it.

And even you must admit that your ramshackle roof could use some shackling.

What do I have that you would wanna buy?

The last few months of my life with my grandson.

Are you serious?

Deadly.

You show up here in the middle of the night afraid to say who you are,

I haven't seen you since I'm nine years old,

and you greet me with the same affection you left with,

throw $10,000 in front of me, which is probably counterfeit,

and then expect me to burst into tears

because you tell me you only have six months left to live.

How do I know you only have six months left to live?

We could sit here and wait.

Excuse me.

(thunder)

Nothing for dear old dad?

Ah, thank you.

Did you steal that money?

One of the subjects I mastered in prison was real estate.

When I got out, I bought a small piece of property in Las Vegas,

parlayed it into a larger piece,

until I finally owned ten lots that a large hotel wanted to expand on.

I wouldn't sell it to them.

So they used their political power

to legally separate me from my land.

Took me for every cent I had.

Well, I took my loss stoically

and even accepted another job in another hotel

owned by the same nefarious faction...

as a blackjack dealer.

I worked there seven long and hard years,

and day by day, dollar by dollar,

I ingeniously skimmed off the top

what was rightfully mine.

H-How much is in this satchel?

Exactly what they took from me - $687,000.

Perhaps a pot of coffee would be safer?

Could I see it?

Yeah. I look all the time.

(whimpers)

Ah...

Ah...

Oh...

It's your money now.

Wha...? Wha...? What do you mean, "my money"?

It's your legacy.

Yeah, yours and Michael's. You're my only heirs.

That's my last will and testament.

I need a decision as soon as possible.

The sun is my enemy, and it'll be up in a few hours.

Wait a minute. Do you think I'd touch a cent of that money?

I don't care if there's $5 million in there. That money is stolen.

From me. I might've got it back in litigation,

but it would've taken six years, five and half of which I'd be dead,

and the lawyers would've got most of it, anyway.

This is family money, Nora. Well, find another family.

Just take that money and go. I don't want any part of this.

Nora, I can never make up for the years we didn't have together,

but I don't wanna lose the few remaining days I could share with my grandson.

If you don't want the money, fine, I'll accept that,

but a trust fund set up for Michael would more than get him through college

and a start in life I was never able to give you.

Think of him, not us.

(phone ringing)

Oh, that's probably Brian. Who's Brian?

A lieutenant on the police force.

Hello. Oh, Brian. Sorry I'm late...

You wouldn't hold a little thing like abandonment against your father, would ya?

Do you mean they're after you, too?

Nora, are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine. What's going on?

I got a message said you got a crank or mysterious call?

It was nothing, just a couple kids in the neighborhood playing a prank.

I just felt like calling you and saying good night again.

Did you?

Once we get the hang of "good night,"

maybe we could start... working on "good morning."

Thanks for calling back. I'll see you Saturday.

You take care of yourself, OK?

Little Nora Dugan has grown into a compassionate woman.

Well, you've seen the last drop of it.

I want you to go.

I want you to take your $687,000 and just go.

It doesn't go with my furniture, and if you want to see Michael,

$1.50 at McDonald's will buy a terrific afternoon.

I have to say I was sorry to hear about your husband.

Understand he was a first-rate man.

Thank you.

I suggest you don't mention this to the policeman.

I've always found 'em to be busybodies.

Where will you go?

Well, there are some motels that still accept cash.

Good-bye, Nora. I would've enjoyed getting to know ya.

Wait a minute.

I don't trust you.

Caution is a valuable trait. And I don't want anything from you, either.

Independence is something I've always admired.

I feel funny about letting you go like this,

so you can spend the night, but you leave in the morning, OK?

I pick up things quickly. I can tell by the satchel.

Do me a favor. If this ever happens again, send me a postcard.

Morning, Mom.

Morning.

Who are you?

Me? I'm Mr. Parker.

Mr. Parker? Mm-hmm.

Is my mother up?

I don't believe so.

You a friend of hers?

We became acquainted last night.

Oh. You stayed over? In the guest room.

You have a guest room?

The one next to yours. I rented it from your mother.

Oh. When was that?

Now, that was about 12:30 last night.

She didn't tell me. No. You were sleeping.

I heard there was a vacancy, and I called rather late.

I see. You gonna be here long?

That depends on your mother.

Would you excuse me a minute, Mister...

Parker. Certainly.

Mom... (knocks on door)

...it's Mike. Are you up?

(knocks)

Mom, Mom, it's ten to seven. Wake up.

(alarm sounds)

Oh, I didn't sleep. I was up all night.

Did you have your breakfast?

Yeah. Well, I was going to until I met Mr. Parker.

Who?

Mr. Parker, the man you rented the room to.

I rented a room?

Yeah, that's what he told me.

Mr. Parker?

Don't you remember?

Oh, my God, wait a minute. Let me think.

Why didn't you tell me?

Why didn't I tell you?

Well, actually, I didn't know I was gonna do it.

You see, it all happened suddenly.

Just so quickly.

In the middle of the night?

Yes, well, you see, he didn't have anyplace to go, and it was only for one night.

You rented a room for one night? You can't make any money that way.

Uh, I know that. So why did you do it?

Look, don't question me. I don't know.

Actually, I was gonna rent the room for a month,

but then I thought it was a little weird having a stranger in the house.

So why did you let him spend the night?

Well, I didn't think he was that strange.

What does he do for a living?

What?

What does he do?

I don't know.

Does he have any references?

Uh, I didn't ask him. You didn't ask him?

No. It was late at night, I was tired.

I never rented a room before. Is he in there? Yeah.

Good. I'll take care of it. I'm much clearer now.

You go and make your bed. I made my bed.

All right, then, make mine. I don't wanna be late for school. Go on.

Just what do you think you're doing?

Making pancakes. The boy needs a hot meal before he goes to school.

Would you come outside with me, please?

Outside? My batter is all ready.

Where did you get the name Parker from?

I saw it inside on a box of dinner rolls.

It sounded more plausible than Birds Eye.

Why did you give him a phony name?

I was trying to take the pressure off you.

If I told the boy he was my grandson

and you decided to throw me out,

he might've resented you enormously.

Wait a minute. You intend to stay.

Yes, but I leave that up to you.

Why don't you try my pancakes? I won three Bake-Offs in my cell block.

How long do you think we could keep up this subterfuge, Mr. Parker?

According to my doctors, five months at the most.

Will you stop saying that. I find it in very bad taste.

But I'm the one who's dying. I think I should reserve the right -

All right, I won't say it ever again.

A week. I'll give you a week.

I think that's enough time to get to know your grandson.

Certainly more than you ever spent with me.

And we'll stick to Mr. Parker, and you stick to the house,

because I don't want any of your Las Vegas friends around here with shotguns,

or the police, for that -

What do I tell Brian?

I'd stick to lying. So far, you're doing great.

(phone ringing)

I want $100 for the week, and you clean up your own room.

Make it 250. I said a hundred.

Make it 250. No! I said a hundred...

Hello.

Good morning, Michael. It's Brian Costello.

Is your mother there? Yeah.

Could I talk to her, please? Hold on a second.

(Max) And can we have breakfast now?

After you, Mr. Parker.

After you, Mrs. McPhee.

Brian's on the phone. What did you tell him?

I told him I'd get you.

Well, you must never, ever mention Mr. Parker,

because I don't have a license to take in boarders.

You like pancakes? Hello, Brian?

We don't have 'em much. From now on, you're gonna have 'em.

No, no calls. ...the boarder, huh?

You OK? Sit down.

I dreamt about you last night. I owe you an apology...

Hand me that plate. Thanks. Drink your orange juice...

Listen, I've got to get ready for school.

I'll talk to you sometime, OK? You like baseball?

Yeah. Can you hit?

Not too well. If you learn to hit...

Tomorrow night? Shh!

Don't disappoint me. I don't wanna have to repossess your transportation.

No, no, tomorrow night is fine.

I'll pick you up about 7:30?

Pick me up? You mean here?

I could pick you up here, but you don't live here.

Stove's no good... 7:30. Drive the bike carefully...

Bye.

Bye.

Nothing in this kitchen works. Try these, will you?

Where'd you learn how to cook?

Me? Books. Learned everything from books.

Now, is there anything special you want for dinner?

I'll take care of his dinner. Michael, come on, we're late.

Go get your pants on, for school, and don't forget the helmet.

I'm gonna get dressed. Finish your pancakes.

Thanks for the breakfast, Mr. Parker. You're welcome.

You didn't lose any time hitting it off, did you?

Just doing what comes naturally. We have a fine boy there, Nora, don't we?

Yes, I do, thank you.

Listen, why don't you just leave that stuff in the sink? I'll do it when I get home.

Man in your condition should probably be laying down.

Yeah, doctor said it could just as easily happen lying down.

Sorry, bad taste again.

Say, why don't you go to school?

I have a few chores to take care of.

(water runs)

Why didn't you ever get in touch with me before?

I never had anything worth giving you before.

I always thought affection would've been enough.

(all talking at once)

Celia, I want you to stay. You, too, Maria.

I saw the note, Celia. Were you passing answers to Maria?

Were you?

Yes, ma'am.

You know the rules. I have to give you both failing grades.

Yes, ma'am.

I'm surprised at you.

You're one of my best students. Why did you do it?

She didn't know the answers.

Maria has to deal with that. I don't understand your behavior.

Maria's my cousin.

Does that make any difference?

It does to me. In my family, we help each other, no matter what.

(bell rings)

That'll be all, girls.

Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.

Party up in the balcony or something like that.

Yeah, I'm into it.

It'd be good. We can do it whenever you want.

I gotta go. Take care. Nice to see you.

Bye-bye.

Hi, Mom.

What'd they expel him for? Who, Steve?

I don't know. He was selling some stuff.

What stuff? You mean drugs?

I suppose so. I never bought any.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

(siren wailing)

What's wrong? I was only doing 40 miles an hour.

It's a 35-mile zone.

That's the first speeding ticket I ever got in my whole life.

Give the ticket to Brian, he'll take care of it.

Don't you ever talk that way.

You break the law, you pay the fine, do you hear me?

I hear they stole your car.

Yes.

Did you hear about the woman who got raped last week around the corner?

No, I didn't.

I'm glad you've got somebody staying with you now.

What is he, a relative?

Uh, he just rented the room for a few days.

Get references. I never trust anybody.

Mom, Mom, you better come in here.

What is it? Is it Mr. Parker? Just come in here, please.

Where did this come from?

I don't know.

You didn't buy it?

I didn't pay for the old stuff yet.

It's got a microwave oven. You could cook pork chops in three minutes.

It can cook dinner while you're in school.

No, this isn't ours. Don't touch it. It's a mistake.

Holy Christmas.

Close it. Don't eat anything. It's all going back. It's not ours.

Look at that. Turkey. Chicken.

Ham. Ice cream. We could live for a year on this.

No, we can't. Put all these things back. It's not ours. Where's Mr. Baker?

Mr. Parker. Mr. Parker! Mr. Parker.

Crushed-ice dispenser.

Don't crush ice. Don't crush anything. Leave it alone.

Mr. Parker. Mr. Parker, are you in there?

I believe so.

That is stolen property in there.

I will not cook on a stolen stove,

and I will not eat stolen turkeys and stolen chickens.

I have receipts. I paid cash.

Yes, which you stole from a casino.

They took my money, I took their money,

and Sears, Roebuck has our money.

That is called circulating cash flow.

That's how our economy operates.

Well, you have been spotted by Mrs. Litke next door,

so you and Sears, Roebuck better go tonight, Max.

Nora, no one is looking for Mr. Parker.

Max Dugan, on the other hand, is a very sought-after person.

Just let me buy a little more time.

Time I can afford. A wonderama kitchen I can't.

A few small pleasures. What harm can it do?

Would you refuse a dying grandfather - Don't say things like that.

Never again. I'm sorry.

Max...

it's not that I'm not appreciative,

but when I think about where that money came from to buy those things...

It's not from the mouths of innocent babes.

It comes from men with names like Boomie Bonozo

and Mario Bananas.

And you'll take all those things with you when you...

It's all right, you can say it. I can't, you see. I'm the one who's not allowed.

(sighs) What am I gonna tell Michael about all those things?

Don't worry about it. Just leave it to Grandpa.

Mom, you're not gonna believe what's in my room. You gotta come see this.

Come on. It's got everything.

It's got a TV, it's got a stereo, AM-FM radio,

shortwave, video recording.

It's like my own studio.

Is this the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?

Over there is a video camera. You can tape your own shows.

Wow, I can film me taking batting practice

like the big-league teams do.

It's got a zoom lens, too.

No, Mike, not me. Why not?

Well, certain primitive tribes believe that pictures steal your soul,

and I don't have all that much soul.

Did you buy this?

Me, no. Who did?

Mr. Parker was just going to explain that.

You won it. I what?

You won it on a TV show.

What TV show? I don't know.

One of those TV shows that people win prizes on. I was never on a TV show.

It was one of those shows that you don't have to be on.

I was in here cleaning up the breakfast dishes

when the doorbell rings,

and in comes a lawyer with a blue suit - No, no.

No.

No, I don't think so.

I don't think I won this. I never won anything in my life. This is a mistake.

But it had your name and address on the invoice. I signed for you.

She'll probably have to go down and do a few publicity pictures, but that's it.

The stuff is yours.

Maybe it's on the 6:00 news. It's not on the 6:00 news.

Just turn that thing off and put everything down.

A man with a blue suit, huh?

Mm-hmm. He said you didn't have to worry about the income tax

because it was already paid for.

That was first prize, tax-free.

Second prize, you had to pay the income tax.

Now, an elderly couple in Billings, Montana, won that one.

Billings, Montana?

That's it. Just one of those wonderful things that happens now and then.

Shall we have dinner?

Ah, not crazy about my chicken pizzaiola, huh?

There's just so much a person can digest in one day.

You won some cigars, too, but I'm sure you'll probably wanna pass on that one.

Can I be excused?

Yes, after we finish the dishes.

No, no, you don't have to do the dishes. Just put 'em in the machine.

What machine?

You didn't see the machine? It's right over there under the cardboard boxes.

Cleans, scrapes, dries,

presses and packages the leftovers.

Clever little thing, isn't it?

I can't believe it. No more dishes to do.

With the time you'll save, you'll probably graduate a year early.

All right, Mike, go do your homework.

He doesn't have something in his room that does his homework, does he?

I'll check the catalog.

Good night, Mr. Parker. Thanks for the dinner.

Mm, you're welcome. That was terrific.

Oh, Mike, write down what you want for tomorrow night

and slip it under my door in the morning.

Are you a basketball fan?

I sure am.

There's a Laker game on at 10:00, if you'd like to come in and watch.

I was hoping you'd ask me.

See you later.

I think the boy likes me.

He just hit the jackpot. You expect him to be hostile?

Life hasn't been all that wonderful to you, has it, Nora?

You take what comes along.

Why not take the good as well as the bad?

When it comes from the same place, I get a little suspicious.

Watch your ashes.

Oh, does my smoking bother you?

No. Doesn't it bother you? What does the doctor say about those things?

Oh, he said, "Send me what you don't finish." He's not sentimental.

Michael has a terrific sense of values.

I don't want somebody coming along and corrupting them.

Whoever told you that abject poverty was a character builder

was misinforming you.

I can see he's a fine boy.

You built a solid foundation there.

I just wanna spruce things up a bit, that's all.

(Max) Good night, Mike.

I told ya the Knicks would lose.

Yeah. Good night, Mr. Parker.

Good night, Nora.

Uh, Max... Yeah?

I've got a problem. OK.

Yeah, I'm in a jam.

Oh. Well, talk to me, honey. That's what fathers are for.

I don't wanna be Cinderella. Somewhere along the line, you gotta pay for it.

I see. You've been reading Freud,

the man who was responsible for the invention of guilt.

Yeah, something apparently you have none of.

I did six years in the big house, kid. I paid my debt.

I'll, uh, make a bargain with you.

Stay here, live with me and Mike.

I'm not a nurse and not much of a daughter,

but I'll take care of you the best way I know how.

In exchange?

Don't become a hero to Mike.

He's got a 15-year-old drug dealer for a friend.

He doesn't need a 63-year-old hardened criminal for a role model.

When the time is right, I want you to tell him what you've done,

how you did it,

and most important, that what you did was wrong.

I can live with that.

An ill-chosen phrase, if I ever heard one.

Max, one - Oh, Max, one more thing...

Brian Costello, the lieutenant, I like him.

Don't worry. I give my approval.

He's smart, and he's dedicated.

I think if he had to choose giving me up to bring you in,

we'd both lose.

I understand.

I'll, uh, move to another place

and visit you and Mike on the weekends.

No, I didn't say that. I think you should be careful. I don't trust Mrs. Litke.

I think you should stay in the house.

Back to prison, eh?

Nora...

I never had it so good.

(dog barking)

(Mrs. Litke) Shh! Shh! Be quiet, I mean it.

You're gonna stay in the house all day.

I'm not gonna take you for a walk tomorrow. Be quiet.

Now you be quiet.

(crowd cheering)

Come on, Mike, let's go, babe. It's all yours.

All yours, kid. Remember what I said. Keep your eye on the ball.

Swing nice and level. (umpire) Play ball.

(boy) Over the fence, Mikey. Over the fence.

Oh, why him? Why do they all leave it up to him?

(coach) Come on, Mike.

Come on, Mike.

It's all yours, kid.

Come on, Mike, hit it out of the park!

(man) You can do it, Mike, you can do it.

Strike!

No problem, Mike. Just don't press.

Come on, Mike, you can hit it out of the park!

Now come on. Take your time. You can do it.

No problem, Mike. You're just pressing too hard.

Just take it nice and easy.

(catcher) No problem.

Don't worry about it. You got two more shots.

He can't hit, Scotty.

Come on, he's a bum. Scotty, get him. Strike.

Oh, I hate this game. I wish they never invented it.

Come on, Mike. That guy can't pitch!

(coach) Just take it nice and easy.

Shh.

(opposing team razzes him)

Here we go, Scotty, here we go. Strike three. You're out.

Feel like getting a pizza? No.

You don't feel like a pizza?

I feel like quitting the team.

Aw, Mike, don't say that. You're a terrific first baseman.

You never make an error.

I never get a hit, either.

Maybe I need glasses. I don't even see the bike.

It's right behind this yellow truck.

Look, what if we came out real early in the morning, and I pitched to you?

I used to pitch softball in high school.

It's not the same thing.

Where is it?

No. No, no.

Dear God, not again. They took the bike?

Why, this isn't happening to me.

This isn't happening!

Didn't you put the chain on it?

Well, I couldn't find the lock,

so I just tied the chains in a knot.

You tied them in a knot?

Look, don't start with me. I had a lousy day, too.

Oh, those bastards. Those dirty bastards.

What am I gonna tell Brian?

A car and a bike in one week.

He's gonna think it's some kind of disease.

I can't believe you tied the chains in a knot.

Will you stop saying that? I don't tell you how to hit, do I?

Mike, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

Wha...?

What's the matter? What's wrong?

(gasps) Oh!

Oh, my God.

Don't touch it!

It's a mistake. Somebody parked it in the wrong place.

It's a 380 SL.

They delivered it this afternoon.

Who did? Do I ask questions?

Mr. Parker.

Mr. Parker!

Schopenhauer. Really?

Is that his car parked in my yard? No, it's yours.

Registered in your name. The plates will probably be here this week.

You promised me. You gave me your word.

My word isn't worth diddly-poo.

It's my money, my five months, and if you don't like it...

you can make it into a flowerpot. (Michael honking horn)

Hey, where's the motorbike? It was stolen.

Stolen? Didn't you chain it up?

I don't wanna talk about it. (horn honking)

Michael, get out of that car! It's not ours!

I can't drive that to school.

I don't make enough to pay the insurance.

It's paid for. It's yours, Nora.

Don't be stupid.

Take what's coming to ya.

Look, you've gotten enough dirty deals in your life.

Don't turn your back on a payoff.

He almost stole a baseball glove last summer.

How do I explain to him it's OK to keep that thing?

Let me explain it to him.

The whole story? The works.

About jail, where the money came from...

Just give me ten minutes alone with him.

Michael, come in here, please.

It was all for nothing. I spent seven years in a Vegas pit,

all for nothing.

I didn't think getting to know one another again

is exactly nothing. Ma, look at this. I can't believe it.

It even tells the time in China.

Where did you get that?

Oh, it was in the front seat of the car.

It was in a little box that said, "Happy Birthday, Mike."

Do you know what time it is in Shanghai?

(watch beeping tune) Michael...

Michael?

Mr. Parker has something he wants to tell you.

I've gotta take a bath. Brian is picking me up at 7:30.

Brian Costello, the lieutenant on the LAPD.

Everything.

Everything.

Come on in, Mike. Sit down.

Make yourself comfortable.

(Nora whispers) Everything.

What time is it in Istanbul?

(watch beeps tune)

3:15 am.

3:15 am, huh?

You're probably the only boy in Southern California that knows that.

Mmm.

Well, first of all,

my name isn't Parker.

It isn't? No.

It's Wittgenstein.

Wittgenstein? Gus Wittgenstein.

I was a friend of your grandfather's.

I shared the same cell with him for six years in Joliet Prison.

You did?

Max Dugan was a fine man.

Made a few mistakes in his life and always regretted it.

One of them was not getting in touch with you.

Died, a year ago, in Nevada.

Does Mom know about this?

Yeah. Told her the night I got here.

She never said a word.

Well, the Dugans were all like that.

Now, when your grandfather died,

he left a will and made me the trustee.

The money was to go to you and your mother.

There was a catch to it, though. What's that?

When Max was on his deathbed...

You were there?

Sitting at his feet.

He said, "Gus, take care of them,

"but don't tell them the money came from me.

"Make up some cockeyed story, but keep my secret.

"See that Mike gets a good education

"and make sure he goes to a good college back east

and majors in philosophy."

Philosophy? I have to take philosophy?

Well, it's just a suggestion.

Then his heart just stopped beating,

and his hand went cold in mine.

So, that's the story.

It's up to you now. What's up to me?

The reuniting -

your beloved grandfather and your mother and yourself -

by accepting his gifts of love and affection.

I accept.

That's good.

I know he'd appreciate it.

It's your mother that's the problem.

You see, a promise made on a deathbed is sacred.

Yeah. You've got to convince your mother somehow

to grant your grandfather's dying wish.

I don't think the man will rest in peace until she does.

Wow. Sounds like a story that I once saw on Movie of the Week.

How often art imitates life.

Yeah.

Will you help me, Mike?

I'll try. Good boy.

Can I ask one question?

Anything.

What business was my grandfather in?

Philosophy.

That's why he wants you to go into it, too.

You can make money from philosophy?

Oh, yes, sir, if you got the right one.

You OK?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

He told you everything? Yeah, he told me.

About jail? Yeah.

Where the money came from? Yeah.

Then you can understand why I can't accept it.

Oh, yeah, I can understand.

Oh, thanks, Mike. I knew you would.

Are you gonna give everything back?

Well, don't you think I should?

Dying wish is sacred.

He told you about that, too?

Ohh...

I'm sorry. I know how you feel.

I feel the same way.

What are you gonna do?

(sighs) I don't know.

I just have to think about it.

But not tonight. I have to see Brian tonight.

Aah!

What's that? Is it real?

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

There's a card in the box.

"For past days lost but not forgotten.

Your beloved father."

Try it on. See how it looks.

You think I should? It's yours, isn't it?

Oh, you look great.

The card. He got me with the card.

Did you know that your father

wanted me to go to college and major in philosophy?

No. He didn't mention it.

Who didn't mention it?

My father.

Your father? You spoke to your father?

Well, I may be angry with him, but I still talk to him, don't I?

Joy.

He put Joy in there. That's $200 an ounce.

How can you talk to your father? He's dead.

Who's dead?

Your father. He died in prison in Nevada.

Who told you that? Mr. Wittgenstein.

Who's Mr. Wittgenstein? Mr. Parker.

Mr. Parker is Mr. Wittgenstein? (doorbell ringing)

Should I get the door? No, no, don't get the door.

I don't want Brian to see my father.

How can he see your father? Because Mr. Wittgenstein is my father.

I mean, Mr. Parker is. I thought Max Dugan was.

He is. Uh, he was.

Well, I mean... What did he tell you?

Look... wait. We'll talk about this when I get home.

(ring) And, listen, don't go into what's-his-name's room.

I think there's something severely wrong with him.

You want me to get that? It's the policeman.

Never mind. (ringing)

Michael, just go answer the door, and...

but don't let Brian in the house

and just tell him I'll be right there.

Don't you like doctors or dentists?

Wittgenstein? Yeah, the German philosopher.

It's the only name I could think of.

Well, what's wrong with Max Dugan?

How do you know I am Max Dugan? You told me you were.

I told you a lot of things, but so far, you haven't liked any of them,

so I'll keep on telling you new ones until you pick out one you like.

Hi. Hi.

Mom's getting dressed.

Is that as far as the door opens?

Oh, she'll be right with you. I have to do my homework.

Excuse me.

Are you telling me that you're not my father? Maybe I am and maybe I'm not.

Maybe I'm your father but you're not my daughter.

Do you know what Kierkegaard once said?

Yes, and I am not interested in any more of your roommates.

I have to go. I have to live my life.

I have to try and appear calm and intelligent.

I am dating a person.

We will discuss this when I get home.

Hi.

Hi.

It's been jammed all day.

Oh. They're for you.

Thank you. That's very nice of you.

You don't want to go in and put 'em in water?

The pipes are rusty.

We have brown water. It would kill the flowers.

I'll, uh, I'll carry them.

You look nice. That's a beautiful necklace.

What? Oh... thanks.

If only they were real.

Shall we go?

Sure.

Who does that car belong to?

What car? Oh, the Mercedes.

I don't know. You don't know?

Well, I don't know who actually owns it.

I only rented it for a couple of days.

You rented a 1982 Mercedes Benz convertible?

It was the only one that they had left,

but they're charging me the same as they would a Chevy.

That's their policy.

You didn't like the motorbike? I loved it.

You loved it? You don't love it anymore?

I don't have it anymore. It was stolen in a parking lot.

But I told the police.

I'm surprised they didn't tell you.

They tell me when other vehicles are stolen.

They don't tell me when it's mine.

You mean, the man tells you he has no Chevys or Fords left,

so he gives you a Mercedes at the same price?

I guess I'll have to pay for the mileage.

I really don't know.

Is that all we're going to talk about tonight - cars?

Sorry. They just fascinate me.

Listen, is there something wrong?

I mean, other than their stealing your bike - our bike?

I am gonna pay for that bike, every cent.

I just need a little time. I don't care about the bike.

What I care about is what's happening to you.

I'm glad you do. It's just that going out right now comes at such a bad time.

Why is that?

I'm really going through a very trying period right now.

I've got a lot on my mind, and, I don't know, maybe for the time being,

it would be better if we didn't see so much of each other.

This is our first date.

I realize that.

It's just that Michael is very insecure

about me seeing people - men.

It's not that he doesn't like you. He does.

I'm just not sure that he is ready

to accept someone new in the house just now.

I haven't been in the house yet.

I know. I know.

He's 15. It's a very difficult age.

I understand.

My kid's 14. It's a tough time.

Oh, no, 15 is worse. They're very weird at 15.

So maybe if you didn't come around for a while...

This way, please.

Thank you.

I don't know. I can't think straight.

I've lost 37 exam papers and 2 vehicles, all in one week.

It's the money, too, isn't it?

I know what it's like to be that broke.

It can make you half crazy.

Would you give me the honor and the privilege of loaning you some money?

I don't want any money.

I haven't asked you for any money, have I?

No, you wouldn't. That's why I thought - Well, you're wrong.

I appreciate it, but please don't offer me any money anymore.

It makes me feel terrible. I'll get it.

(gasps) Shit.

What's that? Nothing.

Could we please just order?

Was that $5,000 in cash?

I don't know. I didn't count it. Waiter?

What are you doing with $5,000 in cash?

How's the halibut? It's delicious, ma'am.

It's not mine. It's the school's. The school's?

Yes. I'm on the finance committee. It's parents' donations.

We're building a brand-new swimming pool.

What are you doing carrying it around in cash?

Well, why not? I'm having dinner with a cop, aren't I?

It's safer than being at home.

Could we... just order, please?

I'm going to be frank with you.

I had a lousy time. I know. I'm sorry.

It's all my fault.

Do you wanna see me again? Yes.

Can I come in for a minute? No.

Why not? I told you, it's Michael.

No, it isn't. You're lying.

You're dealing with a professional now.

I'll go to your place. Now?

Well, if you want me to.

Is that what you want? Yes.

You're lying again. What is it with you?

Listen, I'm trying to keep so many people happy all at the same time,

and I'm not one of them, but don't give up on me.

I'm worth it, I promise.

I'll, uh, I'll call you tomorrow, OK?

Good night.

Good night.

Take it easy with him. Don't pitch too fast.

I want him to hit. All right, Mikey, you're up.

Come on, let's go. (boy) Come on! Go, Mike!

Come on, kid. Get ready, Craig.

You all right? Yeah, I'm fine.

All right, nice and easy. Just keep your eye on the ball.

Let's go. (boy) Come on, dude...

Level bat, level bat. Remember what I taught you.

All right, Craig. Go!

Pitch to him, now.

(boys groaning) No pressure. No pre--

Hey, guys, come on. Let's hear some chatter...

(boy) Aw, man.

Just concentrate. Just concentrate.

You can do it. Come on.

Look alive.

(clapping)

All right, Craig, let's go, let's go!

(boy) Aw, man!

Michael, you're pressing too hard. That's it.

Just take it nice and easy, all right?

Yeah. Hey, you're not pitching the All-Stars.

Take it easy. Pitch to him.

Just don't press. Level bat.

Keep your eyes on the ball. That's all you gotta do.

It'll be all yours. It'll be over the fence. OK.

(boys groan)

Oh, man, if you can't hit, let somebody else practice.

(coach) Pipe down, Pop. It's all right, Mikey.

Come on, you can do it. Let's go. Wait, wait, wait.

Are you sure you're OK? I'm fine, I'm fine.

All right, you can do it. I believe in you.

That's all you need. (boys laughing)

All right, Craig.

(Pop) Next. Damn.

(coach) Mikey, take it easy, now. What's the matter with him?

Don't be so hard on yourself. It's gonna be all right. All right. OK.

Danny, why don't you hit a few?

Are you Michael McPhee? Yeah.

I'm Charley Lau. You ever heard of me? No.

I'm the batting coach for the White Sox.

What White Sox? Chicago White Sox.

I've been watching you swing the bat,

and you stink, you know that? Oh, yeah, no kidding.

It's not your fault.

No one taught you the basics.

If you wanna learn, I'd like to teach 'em to ya.

Are you serious? Yep.

Why would you waste your time teaching me?

I'm not wasting my time. I'm well paid.

I got a nice check in the mail along with a letter that said,

"Teach this young man a basic swing

and the philosophy of hitting."

The philosophy of hitting?

You don't have the right philosophy,

you're not gonna hit your weight.

You understand?

Yeah... I understand.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Lau.

Well, pal, we got some talkin' to do.

When they're done, we're gonna work,

but we're gonna talk right now,

and we're gonna talk about what we're gonna do out there.

We're gonna work on stance, a balanced, workable stance

that allows you to swing the bat and not turn your head.

Take your stance and let's see what happens.

Let's just see if you are balanced to start with.

That's not awful, awful good.

Where's the weight on your feet?

It's on this foot.

I don't know of anything you can do

sittin' like that.

Now, if that guy's not your friend -

and believe me, he's not your friend -

you have got to get positive and aggressive,

and you've got to go at him.

Keep that distance, relaxed and nice and...

There can't be any tension.

If this is a tee

and you're gonna hit that ball off the tee,

what would you do?

Go ahead and hit it. OK.

Swing at it and hit it.

All of a sudden, we're gonna do this, all right?

Nice little wiggle. That works.

I want you to be aware of the discipline of your head

and a good transfer of the weight.

I want you to get to a firm front side and explode your hips.

Keep the head. Try and hit that handkerchief.

Not bad. Let's do it again.

Hey, dummy, you can't hit what you can't see.

I like it. You got a chance.

(bat cracking)

Gettin' better. I like it.

Michael, I need a little more wiggle now.

Relax.

Come on, dummy.

(bat cracks)

Oh! I did it!

(laughs)

Oh! Oh! Ha!

(grunting)

I did it. Mike, what a shot.

What a shot.

(laughs)

Whoa!

You're a genius. You genius!

Oh!

...three of them over the fence.

Charley says he has to leave in a week to go back to spring training.

He's gonna try and come back on Saturday when we play the Bears.

That's terrific, Mike.

I couldn't believe that it was really Charley Lau

until he mentioned the philosophy of hitting.

Then I knew who it was who sent that check.

Hi. Hello.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

I like what you did to your house, honey.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Litke.

(giggles)

I like what you did to your car, too.

Yes, the car. Of course.

Here, I'll get the gate for you.

I think it's just beautiful.

I like the front even better.

Come on, Tiger. Come on, Popeye.

Well, how did he...? Oh, that's... (dogs barking)

Pigeons and doves.

They raise the teachers' salary this year?

No, no, no. I've been doing private tutoring in the evening.

Who you tutoring - Arabs?

Promise me you won't get angry? You got an airplane in there.

He brought you a tiny, little jet plane in there.

Is that what it is? If you let me keep this one,

I'll give back everything else, I promise.

I'll pay for this one myself.

Open the door.

(barking)

His name's Plato.

It was on his collar.

Plato?

Yeah, you know, like the dog from Mickey Mouse.

Pluto.

Yeah, whatever. Isn't he beautiful? He's a purebred.

Yeah. He comes from royal lineage.

You can still see the little marks on his head

where he used to wear a crown.

Max. Yeah?

We have to talk. Oh, sure.

Mike, you wanna take Plato out for a walk? Sure.

Does he fetch?

He fetches, he builds, he destroys.

Anything you want.

Come here, Plato.

(laughing)

Come on. (Plato barks)

Well, you don't have to worry about bathing him.

I can always take him to a car wash. (cat screeches)

I can't fight ya anymore, Max.

Should have seen the look on Mike's face

when he powered that ball over the fence today.

Damn, it was terrific.

You were there in broad daylight?

Yeah. I'd have cashed my tickets in today to see that.

(coughs) What's wrong? Are you in pain?

Well, we may have to cut our visit

a little shorter than planned.

(murmurs) Water.

Ahh.

Nora, my love,

I'm havin' one hell of a grand time.

If I knew it was gonna be this much fun,

I'd have had a dozen grandchildren.

Now you listen to me, Max.

You're not gonna give up on me now.

I don't care how much strength it takes.

You're gonna fight, and I'm gonna help you.

I'll do whatever you want.

You wanna buy Mike and me a present? Yeah.

Buy me six more months with an option for another six,

and then we'll negotiate from there.

Is it a deal?

And if you ever run out on me again, I'll never forgive you.

(* rock on radio)

Have a nice day! (Nora) You, too!

I'll get the gate!

(door opens/ Plato barking)

Can I help you?

I'm sorry. I was lookin' for Miss McPhee.

Oh, she's at school. Oh.

How'd you get in?

Well, she must have left the door unlocked. I knocked, and...

My name's Brian Costello. I'm a friend of hers.

She left these flowers in my car the other night.

Oh, thank you. I'll take care of them. Thank you.

I do odd jobs for her now and then.

Do ya?

She didn't tell me.

Sort of a caretaker, are ya?

No, no. I pick up a meal here and there.

Anything you want me to tell her?

No, no, no. No, I'll, uh, I'll drop by the school later.

Anything you want me to tell her?

Can't think of anything. Good.

Well, it was nice to meet you, Mister, uh... Parker.

Parker.

Thank you.

See ya.

(Plato barking)

Parker?

Do you do plumbing?

I'm always having trouble with my plumbing.

Little out of my line.

I'm moving out of state in a few days, anyway.

Aw, Miss McPhee's going to miss you.

You've done just terrific work here,

especially when you consider her income.

(camera shutter clicking)

I'll have the salad, a small grapefruit juice,

coffee - black, no sugar.

(man) You got it? Thanks. OK.

If they stole the Mercedes, I don't wanna hear about it.

I thought you were gonna call. I'm sorry. I've been busy.

Collecting more money for the swimming pool?

I saw one downstairs in the basement.

What'd they do - rent it for the weekend?

I've only got 15 minutes for lunch.

Could we talk about this some other time? I went by your house.

I'm really crazy about the paint job. It's a rented house.

The landlord owed it to me for two years.

Mrs. Litke has the same landlord, and she's been there ten years.

She doesn't know how to talk to him.

He give you the dog as a bonus? What dog?

The big one. The one in the backyard.

The one that looks down into the house.

Michael wanted a dog, and we certainly can't afford one.

So we went down to the pound and picked him out.

That dog has championship class.

He probably cost $2,000, $3,000.

You mean nobody claimed him?

Maybe he was badly treated.

There are a lot of rotten rich people in the world.

I think it's time you and I had a little talk, Nora...

in private.

Your neighbor, Mrs. Litke, makes a routine call to the police

complaining about a large dog barking in the middle of the night,

but we're a little busy for dog-barking complaints.

But the boys put it in the computer, just for future reference.

The computer punches out that the dog owner just had a car and a motorcycle stolen

and also recently called

to complain about an obscene caller

and a possible prowl suspect.

When the name of Mrs. Nora McPhee - widow,

mother, schoolteacher - prints out,

the card, naturally, is dropped on my desk

by a burly sergeant with raised eyebrows.

Shall I go on?

Do I have a choice?

Mrs. keen-eyed Litke

volunteered that delivery vans pull up to your house twice a day,

including Saturdays,

unloading large boxes bearing such distinguished names

as Westinghouse,

General Electric, Honeywell, Mitsubishi.

This, compounded by the fact

that one of the lowest-paid Mercedes-driving employees of the county

carries around $5,000 in brand-new bills,

compels me to ask a very serious question -

what the hell is going on here?

There is a kid not 50 yards from here

who is selling drugs to 14-year-olds.

Surely you have more important things to do

than drag a schoolteacher away from her lunch.

Who is the man living in your house?

What man?

This man.

Mr. Parker.

Does odd jobs, he tells me.

Came ten days ago wearing a black hat, black coat,

carrying a black satchel.

Mrs. Litke is more dependable than the CIA.

Who is he, Nora?

An uncle, a relative from back east.

A close relative?

No. He's only staying a couple of weeks.

He deposited $400,000 in California First Federal this morning, in cash.

It's none of my business. I'm late.

The account was opened in your name.

Talk to me, Nora.

I can't.

Please, don't ask me anything else, Brian.

What are you mixed up in? I'm just trying to help you.

Asking me questions is not going to help me.

Why is he so generous to you? What does he owe ya?

Nothing! He's just very rich and very eccentric.

He does things like that.

It's his Mercedes. He's taking it with him.

And the 400,000?

Can't you stop being a cop for five minutes and be a friend?

No. That's why I don't have too many friends.

Well, if it's one less you want, you're doing a terrific job.

Nora.

I don't buy any of it. I been at this job too long.

I don't think he's your uncle.

I think you're involved with something you don't know how to handle.

I'm going to take this picture and follow up on it.

If you've got anything you want to tell me, you better tell me now.

All right. Good-bye, Brian.

(bell rings)

$3, please.

Thank you. Thank you.

No prob.

* Na-na ja ba-da dunh *

Wow.

Fantastic.

Gee, this must have cost a fortune.

You like it, Ma? Where were you?

I went to pick you up after school. You weren't there.

I stayed late to practice hitting with Charley,

and I took a taxi home.

A taxi? It's OK. I had money.

Give it to me.

You are not to accept any more gifts, you understand?

No watches, no TV, no taxi money, no dogs.

Nothing. Is that understood?

Yeah, sure, but Mr. Wittgenstein said that you wouldn't mind.

He is not Mr. Wittgenstein or Mr. Parker.

He is Mr. Dugan. Max Dugan.

He is my father and your grandfather.

My grandfather?

And he spent six years in jail for embezzling and forging,

and all of this money doesn't belong to him

and it doesn't belong to us,

and everything is going back, including Pluto.

Plato. Whoever he is.

Michael, he is in trouble,

and I have got to figure out something really fast.

(sighs) I didn't realize how happy we were

before all this came.

I mean, I think we managed pretty well, didn't we?

I thought so. (* violin)

Me too.

Max! (Max) It's open.

(* violin continues)

If I had six more months, I could learn to play this damn thing.

(music stops)

Oh, you don't like the living room. I can tell.

Max. Hmm?

You gotta leave - today. Tonight. The police know you're here.

I know. We met.

He's smart, that one. I can always tell by the eyes.

He doesn't know who you are, but he's got a picture of you taken outside of a bank.

Well, I'm slipping, Nora. Not as sharp as I used to be.

Listen, I've got an idea, a plan. Yeah?

I think you should give yourself up.

You interrupted Bach to tell me that?

If you give back all the money, maybe they won't press charges.

Considering your condition, they wouldn't be anxious to prosecute.

You could stay with Mike and me for as long as you wanted.

All three of us living on your salary?

Heart failure doesn't frighten me, but malnutrition does.

Aw, come on. We could work something out. At least we'd all be together.

I am not going to my grave

without leaving some security for you and Mike.

It's all I been living for, for chrissake.

I'm not giving myself up.

You told me in this very room to put up a fight,

and I'll be damned if I'll take the count without doing it.

(sighs)

Damn it. I blew it.

I could be sitting on a sandy white beach in Brazil right now,

drinking piña coladas and fornicating my way straight to heaven.

What if we went away together, all of us,

to New Mexico or Arizona?

I could teach, get a job, just until -

And the detective?

He's more interested in getting his man than his woman.

You'd do that for me? Why?

I'd miss your pancakes in the morning.

You've grown into an extraordinary young woman, Nora,

and I deserve all the credit.

If I didn't abandon you, God knows what would have happened to you.

(both laugh)

Well, let's sleep on it,

and we'll discuss it in the morning.

No, we go in the morning. You mean, we just -

Yep, just go with the clothes on our backs.

There's a moral to all this, you know. What?

It doesn't always pay to get in touch with your children.

Oh, is that so?

Mike?

Hey, Mike.

What time is it?

Huh? I don't know. Uh...

(watch beeps tune) In Singapore, it's around lunchtime.

Are you just coming in?

No, I'm going out.

I'm leaving, Mike. Leaving for where?

Oh, south. You know me - easy come, easy go.

You mean for good?

No. You see, in the East, they have a philosophy.

Once you meet a man you like,

you're destined to meet him again.

Are you going because of the police?

Your mother told ya, huh?

Well, sort of.

You see, if I hang around,

it makes your mother kind of an accessory.

She could go to jail,

and I lied to you before, Mike.

The only thing I ever learned in jail

was that it was a terrific place to stay out of.

So keep your nose clean.

Keep your eye on the ball.

So long, kid.

So I'll probably be heading for

those white sandy beaches and piña coladas.

I didn't deposit all the money.

I may be sentimental, but I'm not stupid.

Thank you both

for the best two weeks of my life.

Sorry I won't be there for the game today, Mike,

but if you happen to get ahold of a long one,

as you're rounding the bases,

I'd be very proud and pleased if you said,

"That one was for you, Wittgenstein."

Be sure you destroy this tape after you've heard it.

(click)

Why did he leave?

I didn't tell you everything, Mike.

I didn't tell you that he was sick.

I think he was grateful for whatever time he did have.

If you knew that, why did you let him leave here?

I offered to move, the three of us,

but it was his decision.

I mean, how could I stop him?

I don't know. You're a teacher.

You could have thought of something.

(siren wailing)

I'm a police officer, that is a police car,

and that is a siren on a police car.

Now, when you hear a police officer yell, "Stop,"

you goddamn well better stop... Was I speeding?

Did I go through a red light?

Did I make a right-hand turn in the left-hand lane?

If you stop me, you better goddamn well have a reason to stop me!

I have.

He's your father, isn't he? That's right.

There any more questions? I have a ball game to go to.

You know he's wanted in Las Vegas, not only by the police

but by some very irate gentlemen who break your legs...

If it's money you want, pull up a van and take away the house, including the car.

Now get out of my way.

Where is he? I believe he went for a piña colada.

They're gonna ask questions, Nora, like "Did you know where the money came from?"

Of course I did. He told me.

You're not under oath. You don't have to stick to that.

Move along.

Why shouldn't I? He's my father.

He came to me in trouble. What do you expect me to do?

I'm a goddamned detective. What do you expect me to do?

The chief of police is not your father.

Our problems have nothing in common.

You don't understand. It's your neck I'm worried about, not your father's.

Now give me a break, will ya? Where is he?

I don't know. Yes, you do. Of course you do.

I always know when you're lying.

You wanna end up in jail, Nora?

I'll wait for ya 'cause I'm nuts about ya,

but I won't see you on weekends.

I see my kid on weekends.

I'm going to Michael's baseball game.

If you wanna stop me, you're going to have to shoot me.

Nora!

Here, take the Mercedes. You'll never get a cab in this neighborhood.

Thank you.

Tell me something.

Do you think I'm corrupt?

Aren't we all, just a little bit?

Just a little bit?

(spectators cheering) Come on, Craig.

Come on, Craig. He's getting tired!

Come on. Now whack it out!

(man) Right there on the letters! (cheer)

Get a piece of it, Craig!

Hit the wild ball, kid!

Please, God, don't leave it up to Michael.

(team cheering)

(Venice coach) No problem, Craig.

You can do it, Craig. Hit it outta here!

Come on, Craig! (cheerleaders chanting) Santa Monica's number one!

Why didn't you tell me how sick he was?

Would it have made any difference to you?

Yeah. I don't know.

How did you find out?

It's my job.

I'm sorry, Nora.

Well, save your sympathy for Michael.

We're losing 2 to nothing in the ninth.

You're losing 2-nothing.

My boy plays for Santa Monica.

Let's go, Kevin, baby!

Your boy? Which one? The one pitchin'.

(Venice coach) All right, Craig!

Don't swing! Let him pitch to ya!

Easy out, Kevin.

Easy out. That's your son?

He should be in the major leagues. I thought he was a midget.

(Venice coach) Yeah!

All right, Craig! Great!

(spectators cheering)

(spectators chanting) Go, Mike, go!

We're in a jam now, Mike. You haven't hit your weight all year.

We got a chance to win this game,

but I'm gonna leave it up to you.

Want me to pinch-hit for you, or you wanna swing?

(spectators chanting) Santa Monica's number one!

I wanna swing.

What plane is he taking, Nora?

You'll never catch him now. I don't care about catching him.

I care about you telling me. Then you're off the hook.

My kid's coming up to bat.

Piña colada, you said. Tropical climate?

Come on, get ahold of one, Michael!

You can do it now! Riviera?

Hawaii? Tahiti?

South America?

You looked at me. It's South America.

Copacabana Beach. Brazil.

It's Brazil, isn't it? ...Michael, hit it out of the park!

I'm calling the airlines, Nora, right now.

You're gonna leave while your son is pitching

and my son is gonna hit that ball right out of the park.

Against Kevin?

For how much?

All the information you want.

(Venice coach) Over the fence, Mikey. Over the fence.

Come on, Michael!

Knock the hell out of that goddamn ball!

Just concentrate. Put it all together, kid.

(Craig's mother) Wild man pitcher up there.

He can't pitch to anything!

Strike!

(Nora) Come on, just concentrate!

You can do it, Kevin! Nobody up there!

Swing, Michael! Just one swing!

Hit the shit out of it!

Hey, Nora, watch your language.

You're supposed to be an English teacher.

They stole my car, my bike, my goddamned exam papers.

You gotta fight back sometime.

Hit it, Michael!

Hit it for Gus Wittgenstein!

You're the best, Kevin!

Come on! Remember what Charley taught you, Michael!

Now watch the ball!

Strike two!

It's OK, Mike. Nothin' to worry about.

We're behind ya.

For Schopenhauer, Michael, and Spinoza

and Sophocles and Aristotle!

Come on, Kevin! Doesn't even know the names of her own team.

(Nora) Come on, Michael!

Do it for Pluto! I mean, Plato...

(Venice coach) Look alive there, kid. Look alive!

...Michael! You can do it!

Please, God. Please?

(Brian) Come on, Kevin!

(Venice coach) Come on, Mikey. Let's go!

(Nora) Don't pay any attention to Brian.

(bat cracks)

Hey, son... can I see that ball for a minute?

(cheering)

(screams)

Whoo!

He did it! He did it!

I hate that kid of yours. I'll get over it, but I hate him.

That was for you, Wittgenstein!

(boy) Up yours, McPhee.

(cheering)

That was some hit, wasn't it?

Yeah, I just saw it. Now give it back. I tell you what.

You take $5 for it?

$5? Yeah, and 5 for your friend here?

(both) Sure.

Sold.

Thanks, boys.

That ball means a lot to me.

Oh, you were wonderful! I can't even catch my breath.

I was so proud of you. You know, I just wish that he were here.

I mean, I wish that he were here to see it. I know, sweetheart, I know.

No chance. You pitched a terrific game.

Only somebody like Hank Aaron could have hit that ball.

Yeah, well, he swung like Hank Aaron.

You two guys oughta meet. Michael!

Nora!

Michael McPhee, this is my son Kevin Costello.

Hi. Hi.

You're one terrific pitcher.

Hi, Kevin. Nora McPhee.

Yeah. My pop told me where you teach.

Mom and I are moving next year, and I'll be going to your school.

Really? What grade? Tenth.

Tenth? I teach tenth-grade English.

You may be in my class.

You might be in trouble.

You may be teaching it in a state institution.

Brazil. He's going to Brazil.

Damn it. What's wrong?

I no longer have any idea whether you're lying or telling the truth.

Anybody hungry for a giant pizza?

(Michael) For sure! (Kevin) Totally!

I gotta make a phone call. No, you don't.

It's the weekend, and nobody works 24 hours a day.

You haven't had your lunch yet.

And besides, nobody important is going to get away

while you're having a pizza.

The Pizza Hut on 8th Street?

Come on, Mike! Let's ride in the Mercedes!

(laughs)

Where is it?

It was here.

I locked that car...

How can you lock the car and it's not here now?

(horn honking)

Was that...?

My God, he's gonna drive to Brazil.

So long, Pop.

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