Original subtitles

- Hi, Al. How was work? - Horrible, Peg.

- I fell off a ladder and I hurt my-- - Well, that's nice.

Because I want you in a good mood.

Honey, I bought a new dress. How do you like it?

Well, I don't know, Peg. I'd have to see it without you in it.

What do you need a new dress for?

There's nobody inside the TV looking at you.

Well, I bought it so I'd be ready.

See? My horoscope says: "Buy a new dress.

You're about to embark on a new and unique undertaking." Isn't that great?

Well, the undertaking has a kind of a nice ring to it.

But Peg, I don't believe in horoscopes.

And yet you believe in a 19-year-old in Playboy pouring honey on her tush...

...is really interested in saving the environment.

I never said I believed her...

...just that I supported her and loved her very much.

Let's just do your horoscope, Magoo.

Now when's your birthday?

It's two months after yours.

The only difference is that I have mine every year.

Look, Al, you're a Cancer.

Right back at you.

Honey, you have an amazing horoscope.

It says-- Now brace yourself.

"Good luck's a-coming."

Oh, well, that's a-different.

I always thought horoscopes were a lot of hooey...

...but after hearing "good luck's a-coming"...

...I realize they're based on hard scientific data.

Tell me, does it say anything in there...

...about "The wife is a-leaving"?

"And the kids are a-with her"?

Hey, Daddy.

Daddy, I'm afraid I have bad news for you.

Well, pumpkin, that can't be.

The horror with the scope here says, "Good luck's a-coming."

The health inspector's closing the diner for two days.

- Well, that's not so bad. - Well, then they're tearing it down.

Can you believe it? I'm unemployed.

And it's all because of those stupid raisin cookies.

What, the raisin cookies you were getting me free every day?

Yeah. You know, it turns out that only half the raisins were actually raisins.

Well, what was the other half?

Oh, believe me, Daddy, you do not wanna know.

Oh, well, I guess I'm out of a J-O-D.

All right. Well, now I guess you won't have enough money to move O-U-L.

Well, not necessarily.

One of the guys from the extermination company that deloused me...

...remembered me as the Verminator and want me to be their local mascot.

Here's the part that's important to you.

You're going to tell me what the other half of those raisins were?

I can't, Daddy. The guys from the Atomic Energy Commission...

...said mum's the word on this one.

Anyway...

...the good news is, I'll be making more than at the diner...

...and I'll be able to move sooner than I thought.

Well, I'd better get busy.

I'm under court order to burn this uniform.

- Remember to take it off first, honey. - Oh, thanks, Mom.

All right, now won't you admit that your horoscope is right?

- Good luck is a-coming. - Come on, Peg.

Even if Kelly does leave, Bud'll still be here.

Having only one kid is like having only one noose around your neck.

Family, good news.

I pledged a fraternity today...

...and if I'm accepted I'm moving to the frat house.

Al, did you hear that?

I can't believe it. I'm finally gonna be a cool frat dude.

I'll have respect. I'll have honor.

I'll be my own man.

Dad, can I have some money?

I gotta go buy a tutu with a trap door in it.

They're gonna spank me on the corner of 5th and Main for my initiation.

Make me proud, son.

Bula bula, big guy.

- Do you realize what this means? - Yes, Peg, I do.

After Bud's arrested, all four of us will have a record for indecent exposure.

Honey, why is it so hard for you to admit...

...that you're having good luck?

Peg, have you ever heard of the Bundy curse?

You mean that foot odor thing?

The other curse.

See, the minute a Bundy starts having good luck...

...he immediately starts to build up an equal amount of bad luck.

It's simple Bundy-nomics.

For example...

...when I was 18 and scored four touchdowns in one game...

...I became the greatest football player in the history of Polk High.

And what bad thing happened after that?

Like I'm the one that said, "Al, show no ambition.

We can live off of your income of rocks and leaves."

There is nothing wrong with having good luck.

Yes, there is. And you know what's worse than a Bundy having good luck?

A Bundy wearing Speedos while having good luck?

Good guess, Peg. No.

A Bundy admitting he's having good luck...

...because that's when the bad luck starts.

Look, I don't care what you say. Good luck is a-coming.

- Peg, you won't believe this. - I know, Al.

A fat woman came in the shoe store today.

No, actually, an attractive woman came in today.

Nothing but attractive women came in today.

So, what you're trying to say is that you had a good day?

No! You know I can't say that.

It was okay, that's all.

I hit every green light.

All the songs on the oldie station were some of my all-time favorites.

A cop pulled me over and told me my taillight was out.

Gave me his.

But I wouldn't say it was a good day.

Well, here's some more good news you won't wanna hear about.

It seems that Kelly is gonna appear as the Verminator...

...at Bud's homecoming rally.

A few more gigs like this and she will be able to move out soon.

Yeah, well, how about Bud? He didn't get in that fraternity, did he?

No. Fraternities have standards and they have traditions, you know?

Gamma gamma sigma pi

Gonna, gonna get some thigh

I'm in.

Words a male Bundy has never uttered before.

It's gonna be great.

This time tomorrow I'll be into the frat house and out of the rat house.

- No offense. - None taken.

Oh, by the way, Dad.

They made me scrub all the toilets with a toothbrush, so I borrowed yours.

Well, at least the part about the toothbrush was bad luck.

No, Peg, this is good luck.

This is yours.

All these good things happening, the kids moving out.

I'm doomed.

Hi, Daddy.

Are things still going well?

I'm afraid so, pumpkin.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I wish you would come to the homecoming rally tonight.

Been working on a special entrance. I'm gonna ride this Harley up a ramp...

...jump over a bonfire pit and then light the flames with my exhaust.

Kelly, just exactly how did you learn to do stunts like this?

In your car, ditching the police.

- How'd you learn to build a bunker? - In bed, ditching your mom.

Sweetheart, I really would love to go...

...but with all this good luck I'm afraid to leave the fort.

Something good will happen and then I'll be in for a fate worse than death.

But considering I'm married to your mother, a fate worse than life.

Well, I'll make you proud of me, Daddy.

You know what the great thing is? Career-wise? This is just a start.

You know, like Michael Jackson before he became Diana Ross.

I mean, I know I'm just a local mascot now...

...but with a little luck I could be a dancing fruit in somebody's underwear.

Well, better you than Bud.

- Go away. Go away. - Okay.

Yeah, that'll be the Grim Reaper.

- Hey, Kel. - Hi.

- Break a leg. - Pass a stone.

Oh, Al. Remodeling?

If you throw in a couple of ears of corn and some mud...

...you'd have a mighty fine sty.

Jefferson, don't look now...

...but something followed you home from EI Pollo Loco.

I heard you've been having a run of good luck lately.

Too bad it hasn't extended to the hair fairy.

- Where's Peggy? - Bud's leaving tonight...

...so she's upstairs converting his room into a tabloid reading lounge.

I'm gonna take this camera to her. She wants pictures of Kelly tonight.

What happened to my camera?

What you refer to as "your" camera was actually our camera.

Much as what you refer to as your garbage can...

...is actually our backyard.

Plucky little gal, isn't she?

Yeah, but she makes money.

Anyway, I've been a little worried about this lucky streak you've been having.

It might wear off before I've had a chance to take advantage.

- Hells bells, we can't have that. - Agreed.

So naturally, I just happen to know a few well-heeled rubes...

...always in the mood for a poker game.

Oh, that's a good idea. I'd better check my cash reserve.

Well, maybe I'd better call my broker, E.F. Nutton.

Not to worry, Al. You are having such a run of good luck.

That's why Marcie and I will be happy to stake you.

All you have to do is not tell Marcie.

And you and I will split the winnings.

- But Jefferson, I'm cursed. - Fine. We won't tell Peggy either.

No. But it's-- It's all this good luck I'm having.

See, if I won a big poker game I'd be dead.

I'm sorry, but I gotta look out for number one here.

No amount of money is worth my life.

- What if we get you a big-screen TV? - I'm in.

Full house, cowboys over nines.

Can you believe this guy's luck? He ain't lost a hand all night.

I say we shoot him.

Shooting these days is so childish.

I am up for a good beating though.

Jefferson, is it me or are your friends getting a little touchy?

Relax, Al. I know these guys.

- They talk big but never hurt anyone. - Good.

- Where'd you meet them? - Prison.

- Hi, Peggy. - Incoming.

I'm ready to go.

Jefferson D'Arcy, are you gambling?

No, honeybunch.

I'm just having my environmental sensitivity meeting.

And as a matter of fact...

...this is our guest speaker, Dr. William "The Weasel" Sullivan. Doc?

Yes, ma'am. Tonight our focus is on Oregon.

Where the logging industry keeps raping the old-growth forest...

...which the endangered spotted owl depends on for sanctuary.

Jefferson, I'm so ashamed.

How can I make it up to you?

Oh, I'll survive, Marcie.

It's the little owls I'm worried about.

Well, I give a hoot. Maybe this can help.

Thanks, Marcy. I'll see that this is put to good use.

Oh, Peggy, come on. These men have important work to do.

All men do. Too bad they aren't better at it.

Hey, Weasel.

I'm impressed. How'd you know all that about the spotted owl?

Well, we bury a lot of our guys in the northwest.

And we care.

Well, I'm tapped.

Come on, guys. Let's hit the road.

I say we hit Bundy and then the road.

Hey, hey, what are we, a bunch of wimps?

No. A bunch of pissed off ex-cons who don't like people calling us wimps.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

Least we can do is give you a chance to even things out.

How you gonna do that? You got all our money.

Yeah, but you still have one thing left to get it back.

Our guns?

Okay, two things.

I was thinking of your cars.

Jefferson, this is something you should know. I don't own the D-O-D-G-E.

You don't need to. Okay, boys, here's the deal.

We'll play one hand. All of Al's winnings...

...against all of your cars. What do you say?

Jefferson. If I lose will you still get me my big-screen TV?

Sure, buddy.

The biggest.

All right, let the game begin.

- I'm in. - Me too.

Hello Kitty?

Well, yeah, it looks funny.

But it feels really good in my pocket.

Excuse me.

I'm going to Disneyland!

Okay. Who needs cards?

- I'll take two. - Two.

- Give me three. - Three.

- One. - One.

- And Al stands-- - Four.

Excuse me?

I had to. I was getting that same feeling of dread I get...

...when Peggy finishes reading a romance novel.

Nobody gets a hand like that. I'd have been cursed for the rest of my life.

All ten minutes of it. Now give me four.

- Two pair. - Three tens.

I got you both beat. Flush. Bundy?

He's got four aces. I win! I win!

Oh, God, I love you.

I hope those are chips in your pocket.

Mostly.

Well, wait a second, Jefferson. Look what happened.

I won and nothing bad happened.

Nothing.

The curse is over. For 40 years in the darkness...

...finally I can lift my head up into the light and proclaim...

...to one and all that Al Bundy is a winner!

- Hands up. This is a raid. - Of course.

All right.

Who owns the Mercedes, the BMW and the Porsche parked out front?

He does!

Well, we're running a make on the plates.

I think they're all stolen.

I'm sure of it.

Officer, could you do me a favor and turn on the TV?

- Why? - Just a hunch.

Tonight our TV Ten cameras...

...caught one of the most spectacular accidents in Chicago history.

Here we go.

A young girl dressed as the Verminator...

...was temporarily blinded by a red-headed woman...

...taking a flash photo of her as she jumped over a bonfire...

...on a motorcycle.

Al Bundy, this is your life.

Upon landing...

...she crashed into a nearby fraternity house, igniting a fire...

...which will force fraternity members to move back home for the semester.

No one is sure at this time which fraternity was destroyed.

Oh, I'm sure.

Fortunately, the Verminator escaped injury...

...but since she had no insurance...

...someone will be paying for the damage for a long time.

But not with those winnings, eh, officer?

What winnings?

My mistake.

Let's go.

Well, at least this curse is over. I'm a free man.

Lock me up.

And for tonight's weather. Balmy and clear.

A perfect Chicago night.

Except over one man's house.