Original subtitles

There you are.

Why aren't you in bed?

I just put the moves on your pillow.

I remembered that Emme has to do a "My Life" project for school

and she asked for some baby pictures.

Project, school, baby.

These are not sexy words.

I can't find any of Emme.

We have a ton of the older kids. You see?

We have Kate and Teddy, each going potty for the first time.

Look at the boy strainin'.

Face like a frustrated tomato.

Well, what happened? It's like we started off

as good parents and then we just gave up.

Okay, let's look at it in baseball terms, okay?

We won the first two games of the series,

and then we phoned in the third.

We were saving our bullpen.

Wait a minute. Didn't I ask you to put a box

of old baby pictures in the top of Kate's closet?

I don't know. You tell me to put a lot of boxes a lot of places.

Come on, help me get them down.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. What if we fooled around,

thengot the pictures?Oh, honey,

if you're that worked up,

just finish what you started with my pillow.

I don't even know if your pillow likes me like that.

[whispering]: Shh. We don't want to wake her up.

She's our favorite.

That's not funny.

[whispering]: Kate.

What are you doing? Did you sneak out?

Why am I still whispering?

Downstairs. Now.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

This is her first sneak-out. Hold on.

Oh! It's a keeper.[chuckles]: Yeah.

♪

Kate, why would you sneak out?

Was it boys? Booze? Boys andbooze?

No, it wasn't like that. I-I was at Shelby's.

We both like A55-4U.

Wh-What is that?

What is that? Some new drug? Huh?

Andi, get me a frying pan and an egg.

We're doing the "brain on drugs" thing.

No, no, no! It's-it's a band I like.

Okay, well, if that's true,

why didn't you just tell us you were going out?

Because it's a school night, and I knew Dad wouldn't let me.

It's like I'm in jail.

Oh, well...

we don't want you to feel like a prisoner.

Yes, we do.

This is a prison, and your sentence is 18 years.

Hold on.

Maybe we should hear what she has to say.

She did her talking when she climbed out her window.

Adam. Andi! Dad!

You go to your room.

[huffs] This is so unfair!

I was just listening to music!

Katie stomping up the stairs--

that's music welisten to every day!

Hilarious!

Adam.

Wait for the door slam.

[door slams]

What are you doing?What are youdoing?

I am thinking about our daughter, okay?

Caring about how your children feel

is part of being a modern parent.

Oh, modern parenting is ruining our country.

Okay? We coddle

our kids so that everyone thinks they're special.

You know who was special? Mary Lou Retton.

Oh, this is gonna take a while.

Yeah. Settle in.

Did Mary Lou Retton get a hug

when she fell off the balance beam?

No. She got screamed at by an angry, old Romanian.

So she dug deep and won the gold.

Well, maybe Mary Lou would've been happier

if she'd gotten a few more hugs.Uh-huh, yeah.

You know what feels better than a hug?

Kicking Russia's ass in gymnastics!

And while I feel like I have the upper hand,

there's something else I want to say

that I have been holding in for a long time.

This all goes back

to sleep training.

Oh, my God. That was 15 years ago!

Since the beginning of time,

kids have figured out how to go to sleep.

They cried until they got bored, and when no one came in,

they nodded off.

And those cave kids were so well-rested,

they invented fire!

But then, in the year 2003,

some parents decided that they knew better.

And those parents... are sitting on our couch.

I know we agreed to let Kate cry it out,

but I couldn't do it.

All right?

And when I picked her up, she loved me so much.

Well, I hope it was worth it.

Because I can draw a direct line

between you picking Katie up

to her climbing through a window.

Modern parenting.

Well, I don't want our kids sneaking out.

I don't know.

Maybe-- maybe-- I've been too easy on her.

Yes.

And maybe-- maybe--

we need to shake things up, get this thing back on track.

No, I-I can see that.

I mean, you know, somewhere between cave kids

and angry Romanians, you made a good point.

Okay. You're in charge.

Really?

Yeah. What do you want to do?

I have dreamed about this moment.

Okay, first of all, no more modern.

We are going old school. Shock and awe.

Huh? But you got to back me up.

Oh, you-you have my word.

I won't even give her the pizza bagel I made

'cause she was hungry from sneaking out.

[timer dings]I'll take it. Dads eat first.

That's old school.

ANDI: So, Emme,

obviously, I took

a million baby pictures of you,

but I can't find any of them

because your old babysitter stole them.

Yeah, yeah, she, uh,

she-she sent them to a modeling agency

since you're so darn cute.

But don't try to track those pictures down.

That modeling agency was swallowed by a giant whale.

Uh-huh.

So, for your school project,

we are going to...

fake a baby picture.Pop in this binky,

and we'll take one from far away so you look small.

KATE: Oh, my God! Mom!

Dad took my door!

Welcome to the old school.

Katie, you have shown

that you can't be trusted.

This way,

I can keep track of your every move.

Plus, what are you gonna slam now, Slammy Davis Jr.?

Why do we have so many doors?

This seems hard. Have you considered

just letting it be her boyfriend's problem someday?

[Kate laughing]Oh-ho-ho-ho.

[Kate continues laughing][mock chuckling]

What are you doing?

Katie is in her closet laughing it up

with her friend on the phone.

She is in trouble. Why is she laughing?

Well...I'll tell you why.

Okay, you go.

Modern parenting.

Oh, that's it?

I thought you were gonna talk for ten minutes again,

and I was gonna go grab a granola bar for sustenance.

She doesn't get to be happy.

In old school, no one is happy.

Look at any old-timey picture. Miserable!

Mm.

[Katie continues laughing]

Eh-eh-eh?

Busted.

For what?

Excessive laughing.

You just lost your closet door, missy.

Andi, get my tools.

Why don't you just take her phone?

That's smarter.

And meaner. [chuckles]

You just lost your phone, missy.

[sighs]

She'll call you back in a few years.

[chuckles]Wait, hold on.

I need that. I'm doing a group project for Spanish.

Oh. Okay, well, if it's for school,

you can have a phone. I'm reasonable.

I'm not reasonable.

Enjoy your new phone.

It's so old; is it for talking to dead people?

From now on, this...

is the only phone you are allowed to use.

AndI can keep an eye on you, because you can only go as far

as the cord will reach. [chuckles]

I got to make that cord shorter.

Where'd you even get that thing?

Where's our phone?

Adam said he needed it.

He better not be calling long distance.

KATE: So, I'll start the presentation

by saying, "La historia de los conquistadores

es muy fascinante."

Enjoying your breakfast?

I know this is annoying, but it is all gonna pay off.

Spoon?

Thank you. [chuckles]

And then you'll say, "Yo no sabia eso."

I'll bet she's saying curse words.

She's real mad at you.

Good. By the way,

part of our old-school rules, kids clean up after themselves.

Can you please put your dirty glass in the sink?

Happy to.

Mm-hmm.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I will clear the table.

Yeah, that's good.

And then I'll say,

"Los conquistadores eran guerreros viciosos."

All right.

Katie, honey... [chuckles]

let me show you something.

[chuckling]

Adam, do we have a...

time frame on how long this is gonna take?

I mean, when do we know we won?

When she says, "I was wrong. You were right. I'm sorry."

You know, that thing I always end up saying to you.

But you're so good at it.

Practice does make perfect.

Kate was outside speaking Spanish into my telephone.

If that was an international call, you're paying for it.

Hey, Dad, you're gonna love this.

Since we caught Katie sneaking out,

I have been making her life miserable

with some tough, old-school parenting.

Oh, really giving her the business, huh?

Oh, I am locked in.

I was up all night thinking of different ways to bum Katie out.

So you're turning your life upside down

to teach a kid a lesson?Yeah. [chuckles]

That's the furthest thing from old school I've ever heard.

What? What? You don't get it.

I took Katie's bedroom door.

A door is like a teenager's favorite thing, and I took it!

That is stone-cold old.

Son, when you were a kid,

I didn't even know if you had a door.

That'sold school.

We believed in fresh air for kids.

Every morning, we just put you outside like a milk bottle.

What?

Oh, no.

Adam, what's wrong, honey? Are...? Oh.

Are-are you sad 'cause your dad didn't know if you had a door?

What? It's worse than that.

I'm a modern parent.

Bev, he seems upset.

Give him one of your muscle relaxers.

I can't believe this. I'm so modern,

I don't even know what old school is anymore.

I'm like a cat wearing a dog costume.

Well, you've always been sensitive.

Remember that time

you stood in front of

the lobster tank crying?

I was six.

You told me to pick my favorite one.

I didn't know what was gonna happen next.

They put the bib on him, and all hell broke loose.Yeah.

Well, don't beat yourself up.

I mean, you're not so modern.

You still hose down the driveway in your bathrobe.

That's just to give the neighbor ladies a thrill.

Hey,

Grandma, do you have that baby picture for my project?

I sure do, honey.

There you go.Thanks.

Hmm. Wow.

Did you see that? We didn't have

what Emme needed, so she asked Bev.

She's resourceful.

Yeah, we raised her right.Yeah.

She's the one we raised the least.

That's true.

We did the best job with Emme by barely doing the job at all.

That's what we should be doing with Katie.

Back off and let life teach her some lessons.

Oh, I like it. I can really

get behind that, instead of fake getting behind

what you were doing before.

Yes, you can, because I re-figured this out.

I thought I was old school, but I was really new school.

Now I need to go oldold school.

You already talked more about this

than I've talked about you in your entire life.

I keep looking for a way to leave,

but he just won't stop.Yeah.

You know what?

Keep the phone. Life's too short.

Your mother and I have decided to go

with a different punishment.

From now on, we're gonna give you morefreedom.

How do you feel about that?

I... like it?Hmm.

Well, you won't for long,

because in real life, there's consequences.

Yeah, you think we're tough?

Life's a real son of a gun.

Yes, it is, so good luck running your own life.

Cool. I'm going to a concert Thursday night.

What?Andi, that's her decision.

Yeah, but that's a school night. Mm-mm-mm.

You know, for your first choice,

I was expecting...Mm-mm-mm.

...something small, like, you know,

swimming right after you eat.

But I can still go, right?

Absolutely.

And on Friday morning,

when you're too tired

to learn anything at school, and you don't get into college,

and you end up a milky-eyed drifter, that's on you.

Enjoy sleeping in a boxcar.

ADAM: Come on!

This guy's climbing a jungle gym.

He does not deserve the title of "ninja warrior."

Adam, I don't like this.

I mean, Kate is at a concert on a school night.

I mean, what's she doing? Is she dancing?

Is she vaping? What's vaping? I...

Stay strong.

Remember Emme?

I mean, remember how we didn't remember Emme?

Lady Gaga would say she was just born that way.

I don't care what the Lady of Gaga says.

I am Adam of Pittsburgh, and I say we need to back off

and let Katie learn about consequences.

Okay.

But maybe I'll just google the band to see

if there's any news stories from the venue.

You do what you need to do. I want no part of it.Okay.

Oh, hey, what was the name of that band again?

It was a bunch of letters and numbers.

I could do this.

I should try out for this.

Oh, hey.

Emme, honey, do you remember the name

of that band that Kate likes?

Yeah, it's A55-4U.

Ah.

God, Emme's great.

A55-4U. Huh.

What does that even mean?

You know, when we were kids, bands had names that made sense.

Like... Men Without Hats.

You knew what they were, and you knew what their problem was.

Wait, wait, wait. Look at this.Mm.

When I typed it out, the two fives look like S's.

"A55-4U" is really... "Ass-For-You."

Oh, we're gonna lose the next war.

Okay, well, there's no bad news from tonight's

Ass-For-You concert at... Obermeyer College?

What? The concert's at a college?

Where college boys are?

Yeah, and-and their college-boy beds.

That's the thing about college boys-- they have beds!

Yeah.The hell with this. I'm calling her.

[sighs]

[phone ringing]

You didn't give her back her phone?

You didn't remind me to give her back her phone!

You didn't tell me to remind you to give her back her phone!

This consequen-- [shouts]

This consequences thing is happening to us!

Life isa son of a gun!

We-we have to go get her.

Yeah, okay. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

If we go down there,

she'll know we couldn't old-school her, either.

[sighs]Okay.

What if we send someone else down there to go check on her?

Way to find a loophole, baby!

But what kind of weirdo grown-ups do we know

that would drop everything to go to an Ass-For-You concert?

[music playing]Thanks for the tickets, Adam.

Ass-For-You is my workout jam.

Lowell, have you seen Katie?

Not yet.

Put Don on the phone.

Oh, good idea. He'll spot her.

He's so tall, he can see everything.

He's like Google Earth.

Go for Don.

Any sign of Katie?

No dice. I even stood outside the girl's bathroom

for a half hour until security told me to move along.

We need to find Katie!

Don't worry, brother.

You got the right two guys on this mission.

Lowell?!

I-I'll tell you what.

I'll find Lowell first, and then I'll find Katie.

Adam, I'm worried.

And I love you enough to tell you

that if anything happens to her, the media is gonna blame you,

and I am not gonna be that wife that sticks up for you.

Screw it. Let's go get our girl.

Oh, yeah.

And after all that modern parenting,

Kate can't survive on her own. Yeah.

She's like a monkey raised in captivity.

Yeah, we can't set her free now.

She'll never find her own bananas!

[gasps] Ah! Our monkey's safe!

Oh, you came home. I'm so proud of you.Oh.

You are? Yeah.

Yeah, you realized that going to a concert

on a school night was not smart.

Old school works. [chuckles]

No, I still

wanted to go to the concert,

but no one else was allowed to go.

The other parents think you guys are crazy.

I'd expect some angry calls.

Oh. So you didn't learn any lessons?

Not as far as I know.

Don't look at me. I wanted to hug her.

So, what happens now? Can I still do whatever I want?

Huh.

Yeah, that's what I think: huh.

That's a confusing answer.

It sure is.

And it's supposed to be,

because that was our plan all along.

That's right. All along, we had a plan.

Yeah. We wanted to keep you guessing

by veering wildly from crazy strict to super easy.

Crazy strict, super easy.

Where are we? You don't know.

Yeah. You...

are in the hands of masters here.

Ha! Masters!

Yeah, so go to your room. And do whatever you want.

[both laugh]

BOTH: I... I don't know.

Well, we squeaked through that one. Yeah.

If she hadn't come home, we would've gone to get her.

Yeah. We're not new school, or old school,

or oldold school.

We got expelled from every school.

[scoffs]

We have no power because we love 'em too much.Mm.

You know, kids-- they lock you in early with their cuteness,

and then you're screwed.[scoffs]

So, how do you control someone you love?

Wait. How did you get me to go see Mamma Mia on Ice?

I locked you in early with my cuteness,

and now you're screwed.

Ah, so I guess we just white-knuckle it

till Katie's out of the house.

Mm, maybe we let her be her boyfriend's problem,

go with Don's solution.

Scary times.

Hey, party people.

Lowell, what happened? Are you okay?

It was the greatest night of my life.

I got swept up in the crowd,

and someone gave me a breath mint

that made me love everybody.

Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.

You guys, look.

[whispers]: I found Kate.

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